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Sara was lying in bed, listening to the humming of the ship. In the day and the evening, she didn’t allow herself to think about it. About what this meant for her future. But in the night, when Ava had gone home to get ready and her team was all asleep, lying on her back on her bed in her quarters, she couldn’t think about anything except the simple fact that she was blind. Sara Lance, ex-assassin, the White Canary, blind. And this blindness could very well be permanent. She may never get her sight back. She may never fight again. She may never get to see her girlfriend’s face again.
And that’s what finally broke her. After being so strong for so long, after trying so hard, the White Canary finally fell apart. In the silence of her quarters, on her quiet ship, alone, she fell apart. She sat up carefully, only to collapse back onto her pillow almost immediately, tears streaming down her face.
Sara isn’t sure how long she’s been crying for now. Judging by her headache, she’d say half an hour. But the wetness that surrounded her head and soaked her pillow seemed like the tears had been falling continuously for hours. She feels herself pulled out of her own mind by the familiar sound of a time courier portal ripping open. She aggressively wipes at her eyes, wincing slightly at the pain she feels when her hand comes into contact with the rawness above her cheeks.
‘Honey, I’m home!’ Ava calls out happily from the other side of the door to Sara’s quarters. Sara had always loved her girlfriend’s indisputable respect for her privacy, but in situations like these, she just needs Ava to barge into her room so she can be in her girlfriend’s arms. Her safe place.
She hears the woman knock on the door and call for her once more, and she manages to croak out a command to Gideon to open the door.
Ava’s bare feet scuffle against the floor as she rushes over to Sara, and the captain feels herself being pulled gently into Ava’s strong arms and manoeuvred onto the bed so that they’re both lying horizontally with their heads on the pillows, under the covers, Sara wrapped in the safe embrace of her girlfriend, her head tucked into the crook of Ava’s neck.
‘Hey, I’m here’ Ava says as Sara starts to sniffle again. ‘It’s okay baby, I’m here, let it out.’
And Sara does. At the request of the love of her life, Sara releases all her tears, and cries until she feels that she can’t cry any more, and she’s as physically weak as she possibly can be.
‘Babe?’ Ava asks when Sara’s tears stop flowing and her sobs quiet down. Sara just hugs Ava tighter and nuzzles further into the crook of her neck in response, an attempt to hide from her feelings. She felt at peace in Ava’s presence. It was only when her girlfriend was around that she really felt she was at home. She could shield herself from the world, or rather she could shield the world from herself. ‘I’m here.’
‘I’m just -’ Afraid. Scared that you’ll leave me. Terrified that I can’t be who the world needs me to be. Who the team needs me to be. Who you need me to be. Sara inhaled deeply and closed her eyes to still her thoughts. ‘I’m fine.’
‘I love you, Sara, but you’re not fine. Please, babe, let me in.’
‘I… I feel like I can’t be what I’m meant to be anymore. Because my team, they need a captain, and I was their captain. But I can’t be that for them anymore. I’m blind, Ava. Permanently. What if I can’t fight as well? Or what if I freeze up in the field? What if I’m out there, and I make the wrong call because I can’t fucking see, and someone gets injured? What if someone dies? And it would be my fault. I’m not their captain anymore. I’m a burden, and I’m a liability.’
‘No.’ Sara feels Ava pull back slightly to look down at her face. She didn’t have to be able to see to know that her girlfriend had been crying, or had been about to cry at least. She could hear it in her voice. ‘Sara, you are their captain. You’re the same captain that I hated when we first met, the same captain I fell in love with. Nothing about you has changed. Yes, you’ve lost your sight. I’m not gonna lie and say it’ll be easy, but we’ll get through it. Together. And you have the whole team behind you.’
‘I just don’t think I can do this. I can’t… I can’t be who you need.’
‘Sara, I don’t need anything from you. I want you.’
‘But I can’t see. I can’t fight. I can’t be who I’ve been my whole life.’
‘Things are going to change, my love. I know that, and I know you do too. But I’ll love you forever. I’m always in your corner and I’m always here for you. Who you are has nothing to do with what you’re physically capable of. You’re the strongest person I know and you’re a beautiful woman with a beautiful soul and that won’t change just because you lost your sight. I love you, Sara. I love you so much, and that’s because of who you are on the inside, not what you can do.’
‘I love you, Ava. I’m just so scared.’
‘I know, babe. I’m scared too. We’ll get through this together.’
‘Okay.’
‘Yeah?’ Sara nods tearfully in response. ‘Good. Now, do you think you’ll be able to sleep?’ Sara nods again, and she can hear the sound of a soft exhale of breath that Ava makes when she smiles.
Ava pulls Sara closer into her body and Sara’s breath slowly evens out before Ava allows herself to drift off to sleep, content that her girlfriend had finally been able to get to sleep.
Sara would be happy to have her sight back, usually. But the captain would much rather be blind than have to watch as her sister’s life is taken from her, only a few feet from the wall that Sara’s chained to. She can hear loud whines, but she’s not sure if they’re hers or Laurel’s. She watches, helplessly, as a knife is pulled slowly across her sister’s bruised neck, as Laurel’s body crumples onto the damp floor. Now there are shouts. Shouts that Sara had heard for most of her life, sometimes directed at her, when she’d inevitably done something reckless and almost died. But this time, she isn’t the one next to death. It’s her father, the next person to be killed. The next person that Sara allows to be killed, right in front of her, while she’s chained, unable to move, unable to save anyone. She’s weak. Sara had spent her life training to be strong, but she’s too weak to save her family. She’s incapable of saving the same people who had saved her time and time again.
She hears their bloodcurdling screams as their souls leave their bodies. She can’t even call out to them, tell them how much they mean to her, how much she loves them. She’s too weak to even open her mouth. She’s only forced to watch their lifeless bodies, lying unmoving on the floor. And then, she hears her name being called out by a voice she knows better than anyone else’s. She tries with all her might to look to the source of the sound, but it just helplessly lolls in its position.
‘Sara! Sara, please save me. Sara? Please!’ Sara prays to all the gods she’s heard of that it isn’t who she knows it is. She can’t take any more loss. She feels her head lifted up forcefully with a hand, but the pain doesn’t bother her. What bothers her are the stormy blue eyes that she finds herself staring into. She struggles in her bindings to no avail, and it forced to watch as the colour slowly drains from her lover’s face. ‘Sara? Babe?’
‘Sara?’ The captain jolts up suddenly, expecting to be met with more death, only to meet darkness. ‘Ava? You’re okay?’
‘Babe, I’m fine. I’m not the one who had a nightmare’ She says, letting Sara guide the taller woman’s hand to her sternum and cover it with her own. Ava knows better than to make Sara talk in this state, so she just rubs soothingly with her thumb and hopes that her girlfriend will say something.
‘It was terrible. They made me watch as they killed Laurel. And my dad. And…’ She sobs, ‘…you.’
‘Oh, baby, I’m so sorry.’ Ava says, slowly wrapping her arms around Sara so she doesn’t get too alarmed.
‘And you know the worst part?’ She asks tearfully. ‘The worst part was not knowing who it was. Why they did it. And I could see. But god, Ava, I’d rather lose all my senses forever than watch anyone I love go through that again. It just- it felt so real.’ She cries, collapsing into Ava’s arms. ‘I’m so sorry. I’m sorry I couldn’t save you.’
‘Sara, it’s okay. It wasn’t real. I’m right here, and I’m alive, and we’re together. None of it was real.’
Sara keeps crying in Ava’s arms, and barely registers herself being pulled to lie with her head on top of Ava’s chest. After a few minutes of Sara sobbing into Ava’s chest and her girlfriend softly stroking her hair, Sara speaks up again. ‘I’m so scared of losing you.’ Sensing that Ava was about to say something, she continues, ‘Ava, what if something like that actually happens, and I can’t protect you. I promised myself that I’d never let you get hurt and I’d never be the cause of your pain, physical or emotional. What if someone takes you from me, and I can’t do anything about it because I’m blind? What happens when you realise that I’m not good enough for you, especially now that I’m blind.’
Ava’s hand stills on Sara’s head for a moment while she thinks, before she continues her ministrations. ‘Babe, no one will ever be able to take me from you. I promise.’
‘You know that’s not a promise you can make.’
‘I don’t care. I’m not letting go that easily, and neither are you. And I would never leave you. I couldn’t leave you if I tried, which I wouldn’t. You’re the love of my life. Everything new I learn about you makes you seem more perfect to me. You’re not flawless, no one is, but you’re perfect, and I love you with everything I have. I’ll love you for as long as you’ll let me. And, Sara, you being blind changes absolutely none of that.’
Sara feels more hot tears running down her face, these ones more of relief than sadness. ‘I love you so much, Ava. I don’t deserve you.’
‘I mean this in the most respectful, loving way, but that’s complete bullshit. We’re not debating this again. I, write frankly, couldn’t give a fuck about who deserves who in our relationship. We love each other, and we want each other, and that’s all that matters to me.’
‘I know. I’m sorry. It’s just this whole been blind thing is dredging up old insecurities and making new ones.’
‘Don’t apologise. I’m always here for you.’ Ava says, planting a kiss on her girlfriend’s head.
‘Thank you.’ Sara says with raw sincerity and love in her voice, her tone husky from crying.
‘I love you too, babe. I’ve got you.’
For the first time in a while, Sara truly feels that she has someone here for her. While she still isn’t convinced that she’s the best person for Ava, she drifts off into a nightmare-less sleep, content that, if anything happens, Ava has got her.