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"Yoongi, you look amazing I can't believe this," Yoongi reads.
"JHOOOOOOOOPE," Hoseok reads.
They have finished performing a few opening songs for BangBangCon The Live. Quite tiring, as expected. But they can't wipe their excited smile off. Even the sweat trickling down doesn't dim their elated face. After 2 months, they are finally performing for ARMYs.
Behind the cameras, stand a big screen showing world map littered with purple lights and comments on the side. Even if they can't hear ARMYs excitement directly, seeing the comments flood with love and excitement makes them feel content. Even though it's only words, it doesn't make it any less heartwarming.
While resting they decided to read some comments. Funny comments are found, lots of them. Keyboard smash are sometimes seen once in a while, even then the fans also put in a little words about how much they miss them.
One by one, the seven members read one of the comments. Some of them opts for funny comments and the others read the heartwarming ones. Sometimes they giggle a little seeing the flooding comments.
Namjoon's turn come quicker than he expected, he freezes for a second. While the other six were making jokes here and there, he was staring at the screen intently. All the while, he hoped that his name will pop up read that comment with swelling heart. But no, instead sadness creeps in to his heart. His already tired body become more tired, at least mentally.
None of the comments is directed to him.
"I'm so happy I can meet you guys," He says.
Even when his chosen comment doesn't have "Namjoon" or "RM" written on it, he still feel happy.
'At least, ARMYs are happy to meet seven of them. Indirectly, it also means they miss you,' He consoles himself mentally.
Even with a ting of sadness, he still misses the excitement bubbling in his chest. Those tiresome performance, excited cheers and screams, not to forget heartfelt teasings and comments thrown by the his members. He can't describe how excited he is to perform, even when he can't see ARMYs physically,
Namjoon never doubted that the members and fans love him. Sure, there are some comments who used to hurt him badly. But at the end of day, his members and fans love him unconditionally.
He knows they get his back and stand by his side. He also knows insecurity will always be at the back of his mind, waiting for the right moment to take over his whole emotion. The rational and logical part of him knows these, yet other part of him is doubting every single reason.
Whenever the stadium roared with happiness, he checked whether the large screen was showing his face.
He can't help but feels, "Am I really enough to be loved by them?"
Namjoon realizes that he shouldn't freeze and think too long. He needs to say his line so they can continue the live concert.
"It's fun. Even though there is a bit of delay, sadly. Thank you for all your lo, ah, s-support and love," He stutters. But he manages to hide his sadness behind a chesire grin.
The members teases him, "Are you nervous for performing after so long?"
Namjoon hopes the member won't notice the way his lip trembled nor the way his smile didn't reach his eyes. He has to act like the mentally strong leader and finishes the live concert.
So, he he throws his whole doubt and sadness to the back of his mind.
***
The concert finishes off with a tiny bit of tears.
The members tear up a little when the director gives cue for them to each gives closing speech. After they finish the last part of performance, they begin to walk to the hallway they first started.
Namjoon stays behind the line, because he wants to be the last thing ARMYs see in this concert. He knows that all of them feel sad to finish up the concert. They still miss their fans, 2 hours seems like a short time.
He knows the members intentionally slows up their walk and that they reminisce last minutes of performing for ARMYs. The long hallway now seems to short, they have reached at the end of the hallway. Namjoon gestures for them to line up in front of the doors.
Namjoon gives cue to the other six, "2! 3!"
"See you later," They say.
The other six usher to go first, so he stays. When it really is the time for him to close the doors, he manages to hid his emotion.
The moment he closes those purple doors, some of the members tears up.
Namjoon is thankful no one notices his fake smile the whole time.
Through out the whole concert, he managed to steal a few glances to those monitors. He was positive if he keep looking, then he will find his name. But each time he stares at it, he only got disappointment buillding up. Most comments were directed to the maknae line.
Even though hyung line is not as popular as the maknaes, a few comments were written for Seokjin, Yoongi, and Hoseok. Sure there are lots of comments mentioning seven of them, but he just wants to feel appreciated for his hard work too. He can't help but feels sad, he wonders if his name will ever be written there.
'Was my hardwork not enough?' This thought floods his mind when he changes his clothes in to comfortable ones.
One of the staffs tells them It is now time for them to go to the dorm. Without thinking, he puts on his thick rimmed glasses and grabs his stuff. He wants to go first so he can rest in the car while waiting for the others.
When he gets out of the building, he is surprised of the flashing camera.
Namjoon takes off his glasses then. He knows for a fact that he is almost blind without his glasses, but those glasses are ugly. His already ugly faces are going to be called out again if he was seen with this glasses. Then, he smiles and bows to the camera, well what he guess is camera, and walks away to the car.
"Are you okay?" Jimin asks.
"Yeah, just a little bit tired," Namjoon answers.
"Rest, hyung. It is going to be long before we arrive," Jimin says.
Namjoon hums. His body is tired, yes, but he is also exhausted mentally. He may have to close his eye to try and get some sleep.
***
A nice yummy smell fills up Namjoon's whole room. His sleepy nose seems to sense an interesting and familiar smell, making his eyes flutter open. His foggy brain is processing the whole thing.
He feels soft material crinkles up behind his body. The room is not too cold, like the way he loves it to be. Then he freezes.
He does't remember moving from the car to his room. All he remembers is how Jimin told him to rest so he closed his eyes.
"Am I really that sleepy?" He questions himself.
He searches for his phone and looks at the clock. It says 11PM. Thankfully he is not that sleepy to sleep the whole night away. The boys agreed to meet and have midnight snack every time they finish a concert. He then walks to the dining room to join the other six.
In the dining room, he finds out that Seokjin has cooked a variety of things. There are Haemul-Tang (Seafood soup), Ojingeo Bokkeum (Stir-fry Squid), Fried Mackarel, with kimchi on the side. Namjoon is happy Seokjin makes them instead of ordering take out food like usual. He can also see the Grape Soju, which he guesses is Taehyung's doing, on the dinner table as well.
"Namjoon, I see you are finally awake," Hoseok chimes.
"I may have been more exhausted than I think, I don't even remember moving to my room!" He said.
Seokjin gives him a look.
"We both know that it takes a lot more than just physical exhaustion for you to be like that," Seokjin scolds. "I make this for our tradition night to boost the members mood, especially you, Kim Namjoon."
"Seokjin is right, you know," Yoongi said while leaning in to the wall.
Was yoongi there the whole time? Did he walk in just know? Namjoon is shocked, he didn't even hear someone is walking! He swears that hyung is like a cat moving silently from one place to the other in silence.
"See, you are contemplating again. We know that there are some reason for you to be this exhausted. You are hiding your feeling again, so we will help you to come out of that shell just like what you did to us." Yoongi explains. "Remember? You are the one who said we should NOT hide anymore feelings, so you shouldn't too."
Namjoon nods. He didn't realize that the members know him that well. He knows he can no longer hide his sadness.
"Sit. Stop thinking because you are hungry and this," Hoseok motions to the whole food, "is your favorite food. We will wait for the rest and eat together, okay?"
Namjoon just nods, still processing the whole thing.
***
Dinner went by smoothly.
Seokjin shares a lot of dad jokes, making Hoseok and Jimin giggles while Yoongi stares at him with murdering eyes. Taehyung and Jungkook bicker to get the last bit of food and Namjoon, being the supposedly. one of the mature members, gives them his portion so they stop bickering.
When the whole food has been cleared, Namjoon feels nervous. He knows the members are not going to force him to tell them, but he wants to put this feeling out of his chest.
"So..." He starts.
Hoseok and Seokjin have came back from the fridge with ice cream. Taehyung and Jimin also get more wine for them, while Jungkook and Yoongi is in the dining room with him. He has drink a little more than 2 glass of wine, so he can feel haziness clouding his mind. It makes him lighter to tell them his part of the story.
"You may have, or maybe not, noticed that I am perhaps a little bit of sad when we are performing the whole time. I don't know how to say this, but may be it is because I'm insecure..?" Namjoon said, explaining his emotion.
"Namjoon Hyung, can you please elaborate more? Why are you insecure? As far as I noticed, you are not making any mistakes in the performance." Jungkook asks.
"This may sound like I'm selfish and childish, but I'm sad of seeing the live comments."
Seokjin and Hoseok are exchanging glances, while Yoongi and the maknaes are thinking.
"I'm quite confused, but why are you sad? I'm not saying that you are selfish or childish, but I want to know why did the comments make you sad?" Taehyung asks.
"I kept glancing at the live comments screen, but I didn't see any of the comments are intended for me. I know ARMYs love me, but today is one of those days which I feel doubtful. Am I doing my part right?" Namjoon tears up.
"Am I not enough for ARMY to love me? Or maybe I wasn't working hard enough for today's performances?"
By the time he finishes his explanation, tears are flowing down freely to his cheeks. The bubbling emotion and ugly thoughts crept up and eating a big portion of his mind.
Lots of voices whisper to him that he is in fact not enough for ARMY, not enough for Bangtan. Those hate comments he used to see are mocking him in the face.
The members brought him back with hugs.
When Namjoon is calm enough, Seokjin voices out.
"You know, you are not wrong for having feeling like this. We may not know what exactly you are feeling, but we know how it feels." Seokjin wipes his tears and stares at his reddened eyes with worry.
"Your feeling are acceptable, Hyung. It doesn't make you seem selfish or childish at all, I think you are brave! You are brave for telling us about your feeling instead of hiding it." Jungkook adds.
"We know how it feels to be disappointed in our own selves. We appreciate you for telling us to let it all out when we breaks down. You never stop letting us know that ARMY love us. So know, let us be the one who tell you, Namjoon." Yoongi cups Namjoon's face.
"You are amazing and you did an astonishing job in that Live Concert. Sure, the live comments might not have your name on it, but have you seen the other platforms? The whole timeline is flooding up with how you kills it with those black outfits for Go Go!" Yoongi explained while looking intently in to his eyes.
Namjoon giggles a little. "So ARMYs can't comment about my name because they are panicking with how my performance kills it?" He asks.
"Yes, hyung! I might know what you're talking about. Rationally, we know that ARMY love us, but sometimes you just can't help but feel like you are not working hard enough. That's okay, Hyung! Your emotions are your own, so please don't listen to who say you are not allowed to feel what you feel. " Jimin said.
"I am going to say this again, you are amazing the whole time. You can see from your private account's timeline that ARMYs are going crazy for you!" Taehyung chimes.
"You know, Joonie. Your whole performance are unforgettable! What was it they said..... AH! You eats the whole dance routine, Joon! So freaking smooth." Hoseok cheers him. "We know that all of us can't help what we're feeling and that's totally okay! Your feelings are your own business, not the others. So please don't listen to them!"
"Besides, you got us here to remind you how amazing you are! Please, let us know what you are feeling so we can help you. Please let it out so we know how to make it better, or at least bearable. We will make sure you never forget how you kills those choreo in tight jeans, Joon! Ooohh," Hoseok adds while ogling his eyebrows.
The whole room erupt in laughter. They also see that Namjoon is smiling now, even with tear stain decorating his cheek.
"So, group hug?" Namjoon asks.
In which, the six other people jump to him for a bone crushing hug. Sure, Namjoon knows that his insecurity will always pops up anytime it has chance. But he is thankful that he get bangtan to remind him how he shouldn't be insecure.
He is thankful, he meet six other people that will listen to him and remind him how amazing he is, every. single. day.
***END***