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He tripped slightly on the side walk, nose scrunching momentarily before he straightened, trying to inject some awareness back into his bones. Honestly, if that nice old lady hadn’t nudged him awake he’d have slept on the bus overnight, and then what would kibum have done? Jinki pouted at the thought and tightened his hands on his shoulder strap, adjusting the lapel of his navy suit, as though it were the beginning of the day and not the tail end of it. Two more days until Friday and then a whole Saturday for him and kibum alone; maybe a visit to a parent slotted in somewhere, but definitely lots of bed, lots of quiet and lots and – god please – lots of kibum. He smiled to himself as he approached their building and skirted around the smelly bins, thoughts full of kibumkibumkibum, soft smiles and dimples and sudden laughter that erupted as though he couldn’t contain himself. Honest kibum who worked hard and played quietly in the backrooms of his heart, plucking at his heart strings and catching his breath from his lungs; his personified dialysis for long days and hours of overtime eking out a living with work that dragged itself from one day into the next. But no matter now, he was nearly home…
His breath plumed, forced past pursed lips as he looked down to pull out his key, buzzing in through the entrance and making his way slowly up the stairs. When they’d first moved here, the stairs seemed endless, but as a year, two years and now their third had gone by, he walked it almost without thinking. But some days, on the days he existed with his last reserves of energy, it all felt new again, each cold grey step as daunting as the next, every tired breath too loud in the quiet of the doors he passed, usually so full of life and bustle and children. Dormant now, sleeping, as he too would be soon, maybe when he got to the top, maybe when these stairs ended – if they ever ended. How many were there in the first place? Why had he never counted…
He blinked tiredly as he stepped over an odd couple of discarded trainers and mounted the last few steps, idly wondering if kibum was already asleep or if he was waiting for him, on their sofa perhaps. The key turned smoothly and the latch clicked shut behind him and Jinki stood for a moment, listening. But there was no soft patter of footsteps approaching; only still air and shadows, everyday objects settled ominously in the calm before a raging storm, content with their darkened glamour and the mystery they would never manage by day. He pulled his thoughts back as prickles ran down his spine, cutting off the awakening shoots of fear that had lain dormant for so long, because usually the passage light was left on if he hadn’t arrived yet, usually kibum made sure of that. Which meant kibum had forgotten, and had probably forgotten everything else too. No food, no shower; straight to bed. Sweet glorious bed, with clean sheets and inviting pillows and the warmth of a person next to you. Not that kibum had had that, Jinki thought morosely, ignoring the trembles that shook his hands, his mood dipping as he let his shoulder bag land on the floor, undoing his tie and shucking everything else off before heading to the bathroom. He returned, bathroom light spilling over everything, slightly more awake and a lot more minty, to hang up his jacket and the rest of his clothes. He then turned to the bedroom, mind once again focussed only on kibum.
He was asleep, skin coloured softly with the muted glow of a night light, and he was curled on his side towards the centre of the bed, arm tucked under the pillow he was nestling his head into. His vest and duvet were out of shape as though he’d twisted and turned a lot in his sleep, trying to get comfortable. Jinki felt a smile bloom wider and wider on his face, already feeling warmth steal over his body, sprinkles and tingles down to his toes and he watched, quickly pulling on a thin vest, as dusky pink lips moved slightly and a deep inhale moved the whole mound of sheets and loveable man beneath them. Oh, home.
He tried hard to slip in noiselessly and almost managed, but the weight of his body settling in to the mattress and an accidental brush with an errant leg caused a pause and a snuffle and then a hoarse–
‘Jinki?’
‘Yes? Sorry, I woke you.’
He waited as Kibum shuffled, looking for and finding jinki’s middle to wriggle his arms around until he settled again, breathing evenly with his head resting just below jinki’s chin, sighing once as jinki’s hands crept into the hair at his nape. Despite the lateness of the hour and the leaden fatigue anchoring him down, the weary man felt a shiver of mischief trickle down his spine. His other hand crept under kibum’s thin vest, fingertips trailing back and forth and carefully easing under his waistband, running a soft trail until a disgruntled noise and accompanying wriggle brought him back, eyes turning down to meet kibum’s squint.
‘What’re yu doing…’ he mumbled, barely moving his lips.
‘Nothing?’ jinki whispered back, sheepish smile in place as his hand returned to safer territory, right in the small of kibum’s back. Kibum gave it a moment before hmmphing and mumbling something about old men thinking they’re so young before he tilted his head back a little, over reaching and ending up giving jinki a soft kitten kiss right on the juncture between his nostrils – casting a single critical look over it and continuing his little warming kisses despite the ‘hey – hey – hey, it tickles,’ protests that made his kisses more like pouty smiles until jinki sneezed and there was a silence.
Kibum sighed.
‘Really?’
‘Sorry,’ jinki replied in a little voice, sniffing to waylay another sneeze as kibum vigorously rubbed his face into his neck. He raised his head when he deemed it dry enough and studied Jinki’s face as he scrunched it and yawned, meeting his eyes when he opened them.
‘You’re not actually ill are you?’ he asked quietly, hand already half raised towards his forehead. Despite Jinki’s shake of his head, he lay his palm over the warm skin and Jinki watched, a small smile adorning his face as kibum wriggled his other hand free to feel his own.
‘Kibum,’ he started, when he noticed a discontented frown begin to form between his other half’s eyebrows. ‘Nothing’s wrong babe.’ And he reached up to clasp each of his hands in his own, bringing them to his lips and kissing them until Kibum rolled his eyes and pulled his hands away, frowning at a tremble.
‘Yeah, nothing wrong, I can see that. Now can we go back to sleep? I was doing quite well until you came along –’
‘I only just got here, I haven’t even slept yet,’ jinki began in a wounded tone, face a funeral. ‘I had to stay behind for– what? What’s wrong?’
Kibum looked stricken.
‘The light. I forgot the light.’ He started in a frantic whisper, watching as Jinki swallowed, adam’s apple bobbing slowly.
‘It’s okay,’ he smiled, adding with a little too much enthusiasm, ‘I’m a big boy you know, I can take it! It wasn’t so bad; there wasn’t even anything there, nothing even mo-’
He was silenced by one finger pressing down on his lips.
‘I am really, really sorry,’ kibum whispered, holding his gaze. Jinki dropped his eyes.
‘It was okay, really, I just got over it, I’m fi-’
‘Don’t tell me you’re fine.’ Kibum said quietly, pulling jinki’s hands up. They were curled tightly into fists, but nothing could stop the tremble, and they both watched as they jerked involuntarily in kibum’s hands, jinki’s jaw clenching with the effort to stop. Kibum leant forward, holding on, until he reached the side of his face, pressing kisses and whispering reassurances as he drew closer to his mouth. He held his breath as he checked the intensity of the tremors, and apologised again, worry making him feel sick when jinki barely responded to his lips.
‘It’s okay now, you’re safe. I’m sorry. You’re safe. Jinki. You’re safe. ’ He breathed out in relief as he felt his boyfriend’s hands slowly still, thumbing caresses over them, mumbling more apologies. ‘I’m dumb, I’m sorry I forgot, I…I’m so sorry. I’m really, really dumb…ah, fuck,’ he mumbled, breathing out his frustration against jinki’s lips.
‘But you didn’t want to…’
A cloud of familiar warmth mushroomed in Jinki’s stomach as kibum laughed, looking for all the world as though he didn’t want to but couldn’t help it.
‘You’re an idiot,’ kibum started, laughter making him breathless. ‘God, I love you.’
‘I’m lucky, then?’ jinki whispered.
‘Very. Now can we sleep?’ he asked, thumbs still working patterns over jinki’s skin.
‘Just one more kiss?’
‘Old man…’ But despite his outward exasperation, kibum still felt sorry, and his heart ached for him and he wanted to make it better, make everything better for this man who held him so tightly. So he reached up to kiss him again, softly, recalling the first time it had happened and shy unfamiliar touches that were new and exciting and scary, except that every time jinki’s hand slipped into his it would soothe him and he wondered how it was that he had found a home with someone when he was so far from his own.