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The first time he asks her is right after Virmire. It’s late at night and Shepard is sitting on the floor of the shuttle, bay her head resting against Kaidan’s locker. She is trying her best not to cry.
Her eyes are closed but she can hear some shuffling and clanking as someone in armour crouches down in front of her. “Commander?” It’s Garrus.
“Vakarian.”
“Are you okay?”
Shepard let’s out a bitter laugh and opens her eyes to face him. “Not even remotely.”
“Of course”, he hesitates. “Stupid question really.”
“Yeah, not your best.”, she smiles.
Garrus sits down in front of her. “You know I came down here to check the Mako, but now I guess I’ll have to stay till you feel better.”
Shepard raises an eyebrow. “You came down here to check on the Mako...in the middle of the night?”
“Yes”
“You’re lying”
“Yes”
Shepard laughs, but it still sounds like a sob. Garrus looks concerned. “Can I...do you need a hug?”
“Yeah I think so”, she replies and lets him pull her in.
-
The Alliance insists on holding a celebration after Saren. Shepard thinks the whole thing is tone deaf at best and insulting at worst, but of course she still has to go. She spends the whole time leaning against a wall, beer in one hand, staring at the politicians and army officials shake hands and congratulate each other. It’s nauseating.
Garrus walks over end leans to the wall next to her. He too is holding a drink Shepard suspects to be alcoholic. “Hey.”
“Hey”, she turns her head to face him.
“You liking the party?”
“Are you?”
He laughs. “Not even in the slightest.”
Shepard smiles and takes a sip from her beer “Thought so.”
Garrus turns too, studying her for a moment. “Are you okay?”
“I’m not...terrible.”
“That’s a low bar.”
“I know”, she sighs. “But it’s the best I can go for right now.”
Garrus shrugs. “Fair enough. Just...don’t be so hard on yourself.”
Shepard smiles a little wider and bumps her shoulder into his. “I’ll try.”
-
He’s incredible. Just took a rocket to the face, probably downright high on painkillers and yet the first thing Garrus asks her once Jacob has left the room is “Are you okay?”.
Shepard isn’t. She’s afraid and her body feels wrong and everything is terrible but...Garrus looks worse. His face is bandaged, but even before the rocket hit him he looked tired, haunted. She can’t put this on him right now. “I’m fine.”
Garrus looks like he is about to call bullshit, but she derails the conversation to be about the new Normandy and everything that’s changed and he goes along with it. Shepard decides she’ll deal with her feelings later.
-
“Are you okay?”
“I would be If you’d let me kill Sidonis.”
“No you wouldn’t.”. Shepard is leaning against the wall of the main battery, arms crossed. “You may think that right now, but you’d regret it later.”
“Don’t psychoanalyse me.” Garrus is pacing. “It’s my decision.”
“It’s my job to look out for you”, she replies. “And not killing him was the right call.”
She can tell Garrus is trying to stay mad at her. Blame everything he is feeling right now on her, but he can’t. He pushes out the air, almost like a human sigh, and deflates. His shoulders sink and he stops pacing. “I fucking know it was, Shepard. Still.”
Shepard presses her lips together and remembers an incident like this. When she was the one angry and upset and Garrus was there for her. “Do you need a hug?”
Garrus looks confused for a second, then remembers. “Yeah why not.” Shepard walks through the room and wraps her arms around him. After a second or two he hugs her back.
-
“Shepard, I don’t like this.”
“You’ve said so before and let me say it again: Me neither.”
Garrus sighs, full on human style this time. A habit he picked up from her. “Do you have any idea what might happen to you?”
“Earth doesn’t have a death penalty. The Alliance wont execute me.”
“That’s a low bar”, he leans down to kiss her and Shepard meets him halfway.
“I’ll be okay”, she promises.
“You better be.”
-
It feels good to have him back. Shepard is lying in bed, tracing the plates on Garrus chest, reacquainting herself with him. Inevitably he ends up asking: “How are you?”
“Fine”, it’s a lie and a bad one at that. But Shepard can’t get the images of Palaven burning out of her head. How Garrus pointed at giant spot of fiery orange and said “That’s where I was born.” He doesn’t need her crying over Vancouver right now.
“Shepard.”
“I. Am. Fine.”, she rolls around to face him. “Don’t worry about me.”
-
Deja Vu. Shepard is sitting on the floor of her cabin, head resting against the wall. This time it’s not Kaidan she’s crying about, it’s Mordin and it’s still just as shitty.
The door to hisses open and once again Shepard hears Garrus walking in and kneeling down in front of her. This time he doesn’t ask before he pulls her into a hug.
“You did everything you could.”
“I know.”
“I love you.”
“I know.”
Garrus chuckles at that and shifts around until she can comfortably rest her head against his chest. “I’ll be okay.”
-
After Rannoch she just...breaks down. Shepard sits in her bed, screaming into a pillow, her whole body tense. She has locked the cabin door and she can hear Garrus knocking, but she refuses to let him in. This was her failure, her mistake, she doesn’t deserve to be comforted right now.
The knocking stops after a few minutes, either Garrus has left or he is silently waiting for her to open the door. Shepard doesn’t open it to find out.
-
“How are you?”, Garrus is studying her, leading Shepard to unconsciously wrap her arms around herself.
“I think we should be more worried about Liara right now. Thessia is her home, not mine.”
“Liara’s not my girlfriend. How are you?”
Shepard rolls her eyes. “I’m fine, Garrus.”
“Why are you lying?”
“I’m not…”
“Yes, you are.”
She groans in frustration. “Stop. Stop trying to get me to cry or whatever. I don’t have the time. I can’t afford to fucking...wallow in my emotions right now. I…”
Shepard is shut up by Garrus pulling her into a hug, wrapping himself around her. “Let it out.”
“Garrus.”
“Let it out.”
And just like that she starts sobbing. She spends the night clinging on to him and screaming her lungs out.
-
He comes up to her cabin, just as they are on their way to attack Cerberus HQ. “Tell me how you feel and don’t say fine.”
Shepard laughs and kisses him. “Nervous. But I think we’ll manage.”
Garrus puts his arms around her and kisses her again. “That’s what I like to hear.”
“Well I got you with me”, Shepard smiles.
Because this is what she thinks off, when she is breaking down, when she thinks they’ll all die. Garrus is there. And he will be there. She doesn’t need be perfectly okay, she can’t be, but as long as he’s there she can deal with it.