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Yoongi stares gingerly at his phone. It's been two hours since and he's been waiting to hear from Hoseok and every time the screen lights up with a random message his heart swells up with hope and deflates in the very next second when he finds out it's not from the person he was hoping from. With a dejected sigh, he plops his head down on the desk, squeezing his eyes shut.
It's not like Hoseok needed to call him or anything, the man had plenty of friends, normal interesting people who would surely occupy his time of the day, who would make him happier than he could ever with his monotonous replies and half hearted shrugs. He knew he was being selfish when he wanted the man all to himself and still didn't knew how to string one proper sentence around him.
It was not like he was head over heels for him or anything, it was just a silly crush right. He didn't even know how same gender crushes were supposed to work for crying out loud and to have such feelings for someone who lived all the way in Seoul, totally foolish if you ask him. It was not like he had stayed up two nights in a row to perfect the piece Hoseok had requested him to do for his dance recital. It was not like he was dying to see his reaction, that beautiful glow on his face when he gets excited about something.
Yoongi was not someone who went out of his way to make people like him, yet somehow when it came to Hoseok he seeks that sweet little thrill of validation, the casual compliments that made his heart flutter and the wide smiles that left his belly in twists.
"More coffee?" Taehyung asks from the doorframe and Yoongi almost gets startled.
"How long have you been standing there?" He eyes the taller man.
"Not long." Tae walks inside and deposits the new fully filled cup of coffee infront of Yoongi, sliding down in the extra chair. "It's just funny to see you this nervous about something."
"You think this is funny?" Yoongi deadpans, "This is a big fucking deal. I don't even know why he'd even trust me with something like this. His future depends on this performance, you know? God, if I mess this up for him-"
"Hyung-" Taehyung interjects, his hand coming around to squeeze at Yoongi's shoulder. "Calm down. He obviously trusts you enough to ask you to do this. I'm sure he'll like it."
Yoongi just stares straight, itching to bite down on his fingers but he resists the temptation, knows Hoseok doesn't like it when he leaves them all bloody and chopped. He takes a big sip of the coffee, doesn't even remember why he drinks it anymore just that it keeps his eyes open for long enough to finish tasks that are important. It leaves a bitter aftertaste in his mouth.
"Do you want to talk about it?" The younger speaks from somewhere beside him.
"About what?"
"Your very obvious existence crisis because of one man that made you even more insomniac than before if that's possible." Tae says, a hint of smirk in his voice.
"Fuck off." Yoongi says in mock dismissal but the pink has already crept up to gis ears, giving away his embarrassment.
"You know it's okay, right? It's okay to have a crush on someone and feel real human emotions hyung." Tae says earning a death glare from his best friend.
"Nobody has a crush on anybody," Yoongi declares solemnly. "You've been reading too many books lately."
"Oh really-" Taehyung is about to say when the phone on the other side of the desk comes to life, vibrating to signal an incoming call. Yoongi almost jumps in his skin, stumbling to catch the phone before Taehyung has the chance to take a peak at the caller ID.
"Hey, uh-" He avoids Taehyung's teasing eyes. "Hey, Hobi."
"Nobody has a crush on anybody." Taehyung says doing a poor imitation of Yoongi's voice, masking his expression into the one his friend had held earlier. Yoongi points him to the door, narrowing his eyes condescendingly.
"Hey," Hoseok says from the other line and just the pleasant lilt of his voice has Yoongi feeling ten times better, his annoyance slipping away. "Is now a bad time?"
"No!" Yoongi says, locking out a giggly Taehyung. He takes a deep breath, pressing his back to the door to anchor himself down. "I mean, no of course not. I'm free to talk."
"Okay..." Hoseok says like he doesn't believe him all that much. "So, how have you been? You're still coming for the weekend right?"
Right. How could he ever forget. It's not like it was the only thing he had in mind for the last couple of days, totally not.
"Yeah, I'll be there." Yoongi tells him. "It's okay if I bring Tae with me right?"
Hoseok falls silent for the shortest second and Yoongi wonders if he'd said something wrong. He's about to take back his suggestion of bringing a friend along when Hoseok speaks up again.
"Of course, you can bring him along." He pipes in and Yoongi wonders if he's imagining it or if there's something distant in his voice. "I'll ask Jimin too and we can all hang out like old times."
"Yeah..." Yoongi sighs, like old times. Except there would be nothing like old times. They didn't have to worry about a deadline in their old times, didn't have a clock ticking over their heads signalling the end of their times together. He didn't felt all warm and fluttery about getting to see Hoseok during old timed. "That sounds good. I'm almost done with the track too. It's coming along pretty great."
"Yeah? I'm so excited to be dancing to it, Yoongs." The stupid nickname still makes him smile despite how much he claimed not to like it. "It's my first time dancing to an original piece, you know? And obviously I'm nervous but like at the same I'm so excited!"
Yoongi smiles, wishing he could see the man right now. He misses the way Hoseok seemed to light up the room everywhere he went.
"I'm sure you'd do fine. I stayed up all night working on it so, it better be worth it. Imagine if you listen to it it turns out to be total crap."
"Shut up." Hoseok says with a pout. "You know damn well I like everything you make. All my friends think I'm bluffing when I tell them how good you are at your music stuff."
"You... You talk about me?" Yoongi mumbles unable to hide the ray of hope in his voice.
"Of course, I do. After dancing you're like the next thing I have to brag about." Hoseok chuckles, "They have really high expectations from you so I'm really hoping we blow everyone's mind with this!"
Yoongi laughs along, a low heavy laugh that does absolutely nothing to hide the fact that his heart is nearly twice as big as it were this morning. He picks at the threads on his jeans, so grateful that Hoseok can't see his face right now. God, why the hell is he even blushing this much.
"Well, I have to go now." Hoseok tells him somewhat sadly, "But I'll see you on Friday, okay? We'll have so much fun over the weekend! I don't know if you can tell but I'm so excited, Do I sound too excited? Am I freaking you out?"
"Of course not." Yoongi chuckles. "I'm excited too, you know. But if you force me into unnecessary social interaction with your city boys them I'm getting on the next train and-"
"I don't have any boys, oh my god!" Hoseok complains loudly. "Why are you so convinced I have a boyfriend here, huh? I am not that much of a playboy."
"Your Instagram feeds would beg to differ." Yoongi says, hoping earnestly that Hoseok would deny it. He knows he's being selfish again, Hoseok is allowed to have a boyfriend if he wants to.
"That is all Jimin, that hoe. He's like a man magnet, I swear! I'm still the pure old innocent soul!
"Sure."
"I am telling the truth!" Hoseok insists.
"Okay, okay." Yoongi agrees.
It's sometime later that night that Yoongi brings out the papers from under his mattress and stares at the carefully filled forms, eyes skimming over every little detail. He's thought about this decision over and over again, almost as much as he thinks about Hoseok and that's a lot. It's his one step closer to his dreams, application for Seoul University.
He thinks about all that he could have if he just went along and submitted this. No longer waiting to see his friends once in a week, no longer feeling left out in his small little town away from the rest of the world. Away from Hoseok. But he still wonders how the man would react to it. Will it be too much? Yoongi moving all the way to Seoul?
He wishes he could come make up his mind.
☼☼☼
The train ride to Seoul feels like hell. With Taehyung by his side, it does get a little better but the younger boy gets a knack out if annoying the hell out of Yoongi so they spend the most part ignoring each other. The weight of the pendrive in his pocket feels heavier than it should and Yoongi can't help but feel it over his pants every other while, just to make sure it's safe.
He half wants to fall asleep but Taehyung is such a child, Yoongi nearly expects them to miss the stop so he doesn't risk closing his eyes. There's a hum inside of his chest that's anticipating every second closer he gets to seeing Hoseok. He's decided to let go of his bothering feelings and relish the few good moments he's going to spend with his childhood bestfriend. He can't let his insecurities taint the special bond between them.
He doesn't realise when his eyes fall close, sunlight falling on his back from the window and he dreams of a young boy in yellow sweater with a laugh that puts sun to shame.
"Hyung! HYUNG!"
Yoongi opens his eyes, blinking til they adjust to the light. Taehyung is leaning over him with a bored look on his face, holding both their backpacks close to his chest.
"We're here." He says, tapping his foot as he waits for Yoongi to get back on his feet. The older man stretches a bit, taking his bag and slinging it over his shoulder.
"Sorry, I- uh... fell asleep."
"Stop stammering, hyung." Taehyung rolls his eyes at him. "I can feel your nervousness all the way up to here."
"What the fuck are you talking about? Why would I be nervous? This is not as serious as you think it is-"
"Oh I think I see Hobi hyung-" Taehyung looks over his shoulder and Yoongi feels his heartbeat pick up. Yoongi swallows hard, turning around only to find out Taehyung had not been bluffing, it really is Hoseok. His Hoseok standing there with a wide smile on his face as he waves them over. Yoongi manages a weak little wave before Taehyung is dragging them both over to the other man.
"Hey, Yoongs." Hobi greets, eyes crinkling. "Hey, look we're matching!"
Stupidly enough Yoongi looks down at his yellow hoodie only to find a similar hued hoodie on the other man. He can't believe he did the same mistake again, deliberately picking Hoseok's favourite color to wear out of all the shades available in the world.
"Aww," Taehyung coos from beside them, "A match made in heaven, Am I right?"
Yoongi is so busy reveling in his own embarrassment that he misses the light blush covering Hoseok cheeks.
☼☼☼
"Where the hell is Taehyung?" Yoongi asks, when he's finally done freshening up. Hoseok looks over at him from where he's busy flicking through channels.
"Uh, he went to surprise Jimin. I almost forgot how cute they are together. Minnie would be so happy to see him."
"Right." Yoongi says, walking along to take a seat beside Hoseok on the couch. "What are we watching?"
"What do you wanna watch?"
"You're not going to agree with me so why even ask?" Yoongi smiles and Hoseok makes a face at him, offering a teasing little pout.
"You know me too well." He says after a while, remote long forgotten as he turns to Yoongi, sitting cross legged on the couch. "The people I meet here, they're all so nice, I mean. But there's something about old friends you know? Like I don't have to think about telling you something, or pretend to be someone I'm not."
"Uh oh, this conversation sounds like it's going to end with -"
"Hugs!" Hoseok chimes with a laugh crinkling in the corner of his eyes. Before Yoongi can protest, he's being nearly jumped over, caught into an overly enthusiastic hug. His face breaks into the biggest smile, trying to push his friend away but the latter just juts his bottom lip out at him, tackling him further.
They end up watching Minions and Yoongi would rather watch the beauty in Hoseok's side profile than the stupid movie. He falls asleep in the middle of it and it's somewhere between a dream and reality where soft fingers run through his hair, basking him in the warmth of the sun.
☼☼☼
"Okay I'm gonna play it now-" Yoongi turns to find Hoseok nearly jumping in his seat. "Will you please stop? You're making me nervous!"
"Sorry, sorry-" He apologizes with a grin. "Go ahead, press play."
Yoongi nods, suddenly very nervous. He still gathers up his courage and presses the play button, Hoseok's eyes immediately lightening up as the sound filters through his headphones. He keeps his eyes locked with Yoongi the whole time, his hands gripping onto his thigh. Yoongi can't tell from his expression if he likes it or not, but when the hook of the track cones through and Hoseok's hands fly up to his lips, hiding a squeal it gives him a little idea he might not completely hate it after all.
"Oh my god. Oh my god, Yoongs!" Hoseok jumps, still staring wide eyed at Yoongi.
"Do you like it?" Yoongi asks, a bit insecure.
"Do I like it!?" He jumps, grabbing Yoongi's shoulder to hold him for dear life. "It's so fucking amazing! I'm so gonna smash that competition aahh! You're such a genius!"
"Thankyou, oh-" Yoongi falls silent when he's caught up in a hug, warm bodies pressing together. He feels lightheaded every time Hoseok as much as breathes near him, so sudden displays of affection like these has him malfunctioning. Not knowing what to do, he places his hands on the other man's back, letting that small bubble of warmth float in his mind.
"You're amazing. So fucking amazing." Hoseok says, face pressing into the crook of Yoongi's neck.
"Um, thankyou."
"No but really-" Hoseok pulls back to meet his eyes, appearing immensely soft all of a sudden. "I missed you. I missed you so much. Sometimes I come back to home and I just... Miss your calm presence around me. It sucks that we live so far apart, you know?"
"I missed you too." Yoongi says, a lump tightening up in his throat. He doesn't knows the million and one feelings inside on him right now, how he doesn't even think his feelings could any longer be described as just like. It's so much more, so much more than he can ever begin to describe. And Hoseok looks nothing short of beautiful standing under dim night lights, wearing one of his T-shirts, hair a mess and smile so wide it makes him want to lay the world right under his feet.
He doesn't know what's happening but the next thing he knows is he's leaning forward, eyes trained to the pair of lips he's fantasized every night about. He hears Hoseok's breath hitching when their mouths finally meet but he doesn't push away. Instead Yoongi feels his soft tender mouth all over his and his mind shortcircuits.
He pulls back, breathing heavily with his eyes comically wide. He can't believe he just did that. As wonderful as if felt he can't believe he just let himself get carried away like that. He steps away, heart beating rapidly inside of his chest.
Hoseok is so wonderful, so full of life and sunshine. He doesn't deserve this, he doesn't deserve half ass feelings or someone who has to think twenty times before filing a college application. No, he doesn't. Yoongi is a mess, a stuttering, over thinking, anxious mess and Hoseok should not be made to carry that baggage for him.
Yoongi sprints away, lips still hot even though it was barely just a press of lips than an actual kiss. The other man looks no different, opening and closing his mouth again and again to form any words that might make the slightest sense in the given situation. He comes up with none.
"Yoongi-"
"I'm sorry." Yoongi hates it, hates how his voice comes out shaky and unsure. "I'm so sorry-"
"No, No." Hoseok says insistently, taking a step closer only to have Yoongi take another stey away, always so far away. "Yoongi, wait-"
He doesn't wait. He doesn't wait long enough to hear the words Hoseok says when he's already out the door.
☼☼☼
Why couldn't he have crushed on Hoseok on the inside all his life like any other normal human being. He just had to go ahead and ruin the one thing in life that gave him strength enough to get up in the morning. He tells himself he can't ever look Hoseok in the eye after what he did, he can't live through that humiliation again.
"Yoongi hyung," Namjoon says, offering him a blanket which he generously refuses. "Take it, you're freezing."
"Do you think he hates me?" He says instead, "Do you think he wouldn't want to use my track for his performance anymore? God, I ruined it for him. This was supposed to be his big thing, he was so excited. And now all he'll be able to think about is.... what I just did."
"Did you even pause to look at his reaction?" Namjoon says matter of factly. "From what I know, Hoseok is not someone to overreact. You on the other hand-"
"Right. Go ahead, say it. I'm a big fucking moron who kissed his best friend and ran away the very next moment." He sighs, running his finger through his hair. "I don't even know if I'm gay, for God's sake! What thr hell is wrong with me!?"
"There's nothing wrong with being confused about your sexuality hyung. It's a natural phase, everyone goes through it."
"Stop talking like that. I hate it when you talk like that." Yoongi grunts, shuffling away.
Namjoon sighs dejectedly. He takes a deep breath and then turns back to Yoongi again.
"If you're not willing to listen to me," he says firmly catching Yoongi's attention. "Then why did you even come here, hyung? I'm trying to help, but you're making it really difficult for me."
"What do you want me to say?" Yoongi mumbles, feeling torn.
"Let's do it step by step yeah?" Namjoon offers and his smile is soft and sincere, calming in a way that tells Yoongi that maybe he could be alright. He nods, sinking back on the couch.
"Just answer my questions and maybe a lot of your questions will be answered along the way. Yongi looks at him skeptically but nods nonetheless. He doesn't have much choice.
"How long have you been thinking about kissing Hoseok? Subconsciously or not. Just tell me how long?"
"I-" Yoongi licks his lips. "Just... A really long time? I don't exactly have the dates-"
"No that's okay. You're doing well." Namjoon assures. "Now, would it be so bad? To be in love with him or any guy for that fact? Would it really be that bad if you were gay?"
"That's not what I'm concerned about." Yoongi admits, "It's just I've lived my whole life under this one... thing of being straight. What if I don't know what to do when I'm... You know, bisexual. What if it's not what everyone expected it to be?" What if I become someone they don't want around?
"It doesn't matter, hyung. It doesn't matter who thinks what. When you come to accept it, it's the best feeling. It's not about coming out as gay hyung its more like... You, coming out as you, if that makes any sense."
"Yeah," Yoongi breathes, taking in the words. "Yeah, it does."
"Good." Namjoon smiles, "That's good."
"But what do i do with these... these feelings?"
"You let them out." Namjoon says like it's oh so easy. "When you decided to like Hoseok, did you know your feelings were going to get reciprocated? No, you didn't. So when you get into it so unconditionally then you should live your feelings unconditionally too hyung."
"And if he doesn't like me back?"
"Then you still win because you got to experience the emotions inside of you that you didn't knew could exist."
Yoongi blinks away his tears, pressing the heel of his hands to his eyes. Namjoon is right, he realises with a heavy heart. When did he even get so wise? One thing repeats itself over and over again until Yoongi realises he can't fight it anymore, he doesn't want to. So he takes a nervous glance at Namjoon, his throat tight with the ache to cry away his pain. He hold on though, enough to be able to admit that one thing to Namjoon, to admit it to himself.
"I... I like him. Hobi, I...." He says slowly at first. And louder this time, he says again. "I'm in love with him."
☼☼☼
"Thankyou, for choosing SNU. We'll get back to you soon." The receptionist says and Yoongi thanks her back, stepping away from the office. Taehyung is waiting for him outside and the younger boy gives him a sympathetic smile when they meet again. He'd asked him to bring his backpack along and Taehyung had done so without much teasing or questions, reading the tension in the air.
He takes a deep breath, when they're back on the main road, aware of what his next step is going to be. Bidding Taehyung goodbye, he gets a cab and sets out to his next step. Hoseok.
It only takes the driver a few minutes to drop him off outside Bangtan Dance Studio. Taking his phone out, he dials Jimin's number.
"Hyung- " The man picks up, a little out of breath, probably in the middle of practice. Yoongi hates taking up his time but he also needs to do this, the bouquet of sunflowers in his hands are not going to last forever. Nor will his chances at winning Hoseok's heart.
"Jimin,I... I need a favour."
☼☼☼
Yoongi's feet carry him to the second floor, Jimin's instructions fresh in his mind. He must look like a fool really, running around with sunflowers in his hand. But he doesn't care really, at least he tries not to. If the flowers make Hoseok smile even just for a minute, everything will be worth it.
He's about to turn when he hears it, the familiar push and pull of the music he'd created, stayed up nights working on, with only one thing in his mind. How he wants Hoseok to win the competition, wants to see him jumping around in joy. His music playing in one of the rooms could only mean one thing, Hoseok is there, listening to it, dancing to it. Yoongi's heart swells with pride, he doesn't hate me.
He steps towards the hall with light footsteps, doesn't want to disturb him, doesn't want to cause him any more trouble than he already did. He stops mid track when he catches sight of the Hoseok.
He's dancing, and he looks like the most beautiful man doing it. He's dancing to something Yoongi created, out of his very own hands and he's making the music his own, like he was born to dance to it, moves so on point yoongi almost feels envious of all the people who are going to witness him moving like that.
The world stops when their eyes meeting the mirror and Hoseok falters in his movements, going still. He whips around to meet Yoongi's eyes directly and then he's walking to him. Yoongi forgets everything he's been planning to say, throat clogging up like all those times before.
"How dare you!" Hoseok's voice cracks when he speaks, a weak punch landing over Yoongi's chest. "How dare you run away like that!"
"Hoseok-"
"You're the stupidest man I've ever known! All this time.. I've been holding my feelings back, telling myself that no, Yoongi doesn't like me back and the one time you kiss me," Hoseok sniffs, "The one time I finally get what i want you snatch it away just like that!"
"I'm sorry, I'm so sorry-" Yoongi can't believe what he's hearing. All this time... How could he ever be so stupid?
"Is it my fault that I'm in love with you? Tell me is it my fault? Why did you even kiss me when you were going to back off the next second?"
"Hobi, listen to me please-"
"Don't call me that! I fall in love with you every time you call me that."
"I'm in love with you too!" Yoongi declares, the air around them swelling with silence. "That's what I came to tell you. You won't even listen to me!"
"That's because you're dumb- wait..." Hoseok looks up to meet Yoongi's eyes, shimmering with tears. "You're in love with me?"
"Yes." Yoongi says and it feels so so liberating to be able to say it.
Yoongi doesn't know if Hoseok is crying or laughing in his chest when he falls into his arms but he holds him a little tighter and realises that's where he always wanted to be. Warm under his very own sun.
☼☼☼
Hoseok wins the competition, sweeps the judges off their feet and runs upto Yoongi with his trophy still in hand. Yoongi blushes all the way to the apartment only to have hoseok cooing at him. And maybe a few kisses, or maybe a lot of them.
One week later, the acceptance forms comes through mail.
We are pleased to inform you....