Chapter Text
“You shouldn’t overdo it like that.”
“Ugh.”
“We could have handled them together, you don’t always have to brute force everything you know?”
Right now, all Kili wanted to brute force was his brothers mouth shut, but his own would not comply, nothing but pitiful groans and wordless pleas for mercy leaving his traitorous mouth.
His head was pounding, the neon stars in front of his eyes were flashing him an undecipherable code and it was a wonder he could understand Fili’s words over the ringing in his ears at all.
He was in agony.
And he had no one but himself to blame.
His magic had come in late, so late that everyone had assumed it had just jumped over him, poor little wingless bird, grounded in a world where flight meant everything.
Fili was the only one who hadn’t given up on him, insisted there was nothing he couldn’t do, even without magic at his finger tips.
He was also the only one scolding and taking care of him after every grand gesture, every grand magic Kili cast.
Kili didn’t need to, most of the time, but he still felt like he had to, the pitying looks and hurtful words, the feeling of being broken that had permeated him so long gone for a glorious moment when he was cheered on, celebrated instead of belittled.
He had to prove himself.
To them, to himself, to anyone but Fili, who thought he was being an idiot and refused to stand by silently while Kili all but flayed himself alive.
Magic had consequences, the greater the magic, the bigger the consequence. Both for the surroundings and the caster.
And Kili had a lot of magic to do a lot of grand gestures with.
They figured that was why it took so long - his body and mind hadn’t grown enough yet to support his unusually high magic abilities.
Most people had to deal with low pain, maybe some exhaustion after using their magic too much.
Kili collapsed.
He doubted his body would ever be strong enough to fully absorb the magic’s backlash. Most days it felt worth it, the pain, the misery, to burn bright and fast now that he could, burn away the shameful years.
But-
“You are going to kill yourself if you continue like this, you know that, right?” Fili’s voice had gone merciful quiet, but the emotional blow hurt even worse than his body did.
Kili knew exactly what Fili wasn’t saying.
‘Don’t leave me.’
‘Their false adoration isn’t worth your life.’
‘I can’t do this without you.’
‘Do you really only live for them, for the people who didn’t care before, and won’t care after?’
‘I love you.’
‘I don’t want you to die.’
And Fili would watch him die, someday, if Kili continued on this path.
Fili wouldn’t leave, he would keep healing and taking care of him until there was nothing left but charred ash and broken bones.
And Fili would die with him.
Kili loved the jubilation, the proud smiles, the way he could wipe out a whole group of enemies with nothing but a thought.
He didn’t love the expectation, the demand he do it again and again and again, a wind-up toy used until he broke.
He didn’t want to see Fili break with him.
And maybe, if Kili couldn’t convince himself that he himself was worth fighting for, worth living for, as Fili so often tried to convince him off, then maybe he could live for Fili instead. For the one who had always been there, and always would be.
When the pain finally ebbed out enough that he could force words past trembling lips he didn’t joke, or ask for mercy, just for this:
“Let’s go somewhere else. Somewhere far away, where they will never find us.”
He didn’t say:
‘I love you.’
‘I don’t want to die.’
‘I want to live, with you.’
‘I want to see you smile again.’
‘I want to have adventures with you again.’
‘I want to learn how to be better, how to be more than what they see.’
‘I want to learn how to see what you see in me.’
‘I want to be free.’
‘I want us both to be free.’
And Kili didn’t need to see Fili’s smile, enjoy the tender touch to his cheek or the kiss to his forehead, to know that Fili had heard him loud and clear, like he always did.
They had their own kind of magic, removed from everything else, the kind that got him warm and happy and that would never hurt him.
That magic, that love, was worth living for.