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Ae Shin was listening to the familiar tunes of the music box, while next to her mothers shared the little food they were able to sacrifice between their youngest.
The sound of the melancholic notes had been her companion since the day she had stolen the box from his room more than three years ago. It was the only token she was allowed to have of him, reminding her of all the things she had gained in her life, only to mercilessly lose them later on. Some days, listening to this music gave her a fleeting but all the sweeter feeling of joy, while other days it made her fall asleep with forever unshed tears in her eyes, her heart aching for things that were lost a long time ago and would forever remain unreachable.
This time, the sadness felt heavier than ever before. Even the sight of wonder and joy that made the innocent faces of all those children lighten up while they listened with rapt attention couldn’t stop the tears from blurring her view.
For the longest time, there was silence, everyone too weary and tired to say a single word. Ae Shin was so lost in thoughts, she only noticed his presence when he was already standing in front of Hwang Eun-San. Some of the men were gathering around him, clearly interested in the content of the box he was presenting to their leader. Ae Shin couldn’t see what was inside the box when it was opened, but the sight put the first honest smiles she had seen in a long time on their weary and worn out faces.
They talked for a moment, again to quiet for Ae Shin to hear, then he said something and suddenly all the men gathered around him broke out into uncontrolled laughter. The sound had become so foreign and out of place amidst them that all over the camp people turned their heads in curiosity.
In all that upheaval, their eyes met and the bright and easy smile on his face turned into a much subtler one, just like the shy and cautious ones he used to share with her in private a long time ago. Even now, with all those people gathered around them and with this smile of his for everyone to see, if still felt like the secrets the slight curve of his lips held were only for her to fully grasp and understand. To everyone else, it might be nothing more than a friendly smile, but to her it told a thousand stories that would forever remain unspoken between them but still would find their way to her heart nonetheless.
Ae Shin wished for nothing more than to go straight to him, but suddenly she felt hesitant. There were prying eyes all around them, so she decided to stay where she was, looking at him quietly only from afar. Something they were both quite familiar with. Always in each others sight but forever unable to just freely be together.
The few surviving cadets he had trained back in the day were delighted to see him. They led him to the other side of the camp where all of them could find shelter from the still on pouring rain under the branches of a tree. Ae Shin could still clearly remember how he had constantly complained to her about their lack of competence and discipline when he first had began to train them. The sight of them sitting together now, laughing and joking as if they didn’t have a care in the world, warmed her heart and made her wish even more that she could simply let go of all pretense and just openly sit by his side. Ae Shin herself didn’t quite understand what made her so hesitant all of a sudden. She was no longer the foolish noble girl, destined to become someone elses wife and required to put on an act for others. But this was familiar territory to both of them, only sharing their affection in private and never for others to see. She had never learned it any other way and now that the span of three years and countless uncertainties and unspoken questions lie between them, she was unsure how to best act around him.
Over time, more and more people joined them at the other side of the camp, everyone eager to talk to him to hear news from the city. But despite all the attention, he would still take every chance to look in her direction. At first it was only shy glances, his eyes straying to the ground in uncertainty only seconds after finding hers. His lips and brows would then set in a deep frown, before he would muster the courage to look up again. It reminded her of the uncertain and delicat beginnings of their courtship, when both of them had still tried to find even ground with each other, only giving way little by little, not communication through words but by trying to gauge the others feelings simply by looking and waiting for a reaction. Back then she had thought this were the biggest obstacles they would have to overcome, that everything would be well as soon as they had figured out this mystical thing called love together. She hadn’t imagined that it would be so easy and so hard at once. That after all this time, they would still be sitting here, their hearts full of longing and uncertainties.
Then she realized that despite those three years of silence and the tense times before their parting, nothing between them really had changed. Only one glance from him could still make her forget about the cold of this stormy night and a warmth she hadn’t felt in a long time began to bloom in her chest, making its way up to her cheeks. It was a feeling Ae Shin had only vaguely remembered for the longest time. A feeling from way back when the simple act of learning his name and writing it into her notebook, over and over again, was able to put the easiest of smiles on her face. Her english has gotten worse again over the past three years, but she would never forget the simple yet elegant shape of those two words: Eugene Choi.
Looking at him now made her wish for pen and paper so she could once again find pleasure in this simple act. This time, she would not feel ashamed of proudly showing him this - admittedly childish - evidence of her affection. The delight it would cast on his features would be worth the humiliation. She knew now that giving him this reassurance weighted far more than her pride, especially after all the doubt she intentionally and unintentionally had put into his heart. Making him doubt her like this was one of her biggest regrets in life.
As midnight drew nearer and more people went to sleep, their stolen glances grew bolder. It was a strange form of excitement, attempting to catch each others eyes while trying not to get caught by the people around them. Ae Shin knew that no one would say a word if they were to find out, but for some reason she was protective of this little secret they shared between them. Letting others be privy to it felt like an intrusion that would change everything. This bond they shared was as fragile as never before and at the same time had only grown deeper and stronger during the time they’ve spent apart. His absence in those three years had taught her that much.
That he had come back after all this time terrified her more than the often frightening strength of her own feelings. It made her wonder how much further he was willing to go for her. If one day, the next step he took would be one step too far. Still, there was something reassuring about knowing that he never let his path stray too much from hers. If she could count on someone to always stay by her side, it was him.
Even knowing this, Ae Shin couldn’t help the sudden burst of jealousy that overcame her when one of the women sat beside him and softly touched his shoulder in hopes to get his attention. His eyes left hers only for a moment to look at the woman beside him, but that was enough for Ae Shin to not glance in his direction for the next few minutes. She knew there was nothing rational about it. In their time together, he had never even looked twice at another woman, yet all the while had to put up with two other suitors who tried to gain her affections. He’d always been patient, never judging or angry. But unlike him, she also wasn’t as blind as not to see the interest other women had in him. It was only natural. He might not have the outgoing charm Hee Sung had, but he was handsome, educated and mild mannered nonetheless. That he so clearly had no idea the effect he could have on others somehow exasperated her even more.
When after some time she looked in his direction again, the woman and everybody else had already gone to sleep. The moment their eyes meet, he quickly looked to the ground again and started fidgeting with his hands, like he always did when he was nervous around her. As if trying to pretend that he hadn’t waited for her to look in his direction the whole time. No matter how hard she tried, apparently it always came back to this: Her making him doubtful in some way. She never had wanted to see this look on his face and yet still she had managed to put it right there almost every time they’ve met. The slight furrow of his brows, the downward curve of his lips and the uneasy glances to the ground had for the longest time been second nature to him while in her company. For every smile she managed to steal from him, there had been a frown evoked by a careless word or gesture from her. Ae shin could only hope that one day she would learn not to make him doubtful every step of the way.
For today all she could do was try her most to put that smile on his face again. When she had made sure that everybody else was asleep, she took the music box that was still sitting at her side and carefully made her way over to him. Only when she was standing right in front of him did he look up again. In his eyes she could still see a flicker of weariness, but his lips already formed the brightest of smiles again, as if her simply standing in front of him was apology and reassurance enough. It probably was for him. The thought that she didn’t have to put any effort in making it up to him made her even more ashamed of herself.
“I’m sorry,” she said weakly and held the music box out to him. As if a simple sorry could ever be enough. There were so many things she never properly could apologize for. To him and so many others. She could do nothing more than to try and show her appreciation for the rest of their life.
“Keep it. I don’t need it anymore.” He wasn’t even looking at the music box, his eyes never straying from hers. “It has been yours for a long time now.”
“I’ve been listening to it every night,” she explains for lack of anything better to say. This time, she had said the right thing, for her words made his smile even brighter until the wrinkles around his eyes she so loved to see started to show. There was no doubt to be found in them anymore.
“I’m glad to hear that.”
She wanted to tell him that she had no use to listen to it any longer either, that the low and soothing tone of his voice was much more calming than the tunes of the music box could ever be and that she wanted to listen to him speak before falling asleep every night from now on. Three years of silence had made her forget how reassuring it was to simply hear his voice and be in his steadfast presence. With him at her side, nothing had ever felt impossible. The horizon of his world was so much broader than hers and there suddenly had seemed to be no limits. As he had once said, there was always a way and only through knowing him had she realized that she naively had lived in a bubble all her life. All the things he had shown and done for her, she could never properly put them into words. So instead, she just said: “Come with me.”
As expected, he didn’t hesitate one second and got up right away, ready to blindly follow her no matter where it might lead them. When they left the shelter of the tree the rain began to drench them in seconds. Without hesitating for even a moment, he took off his hat and carefully put it on her head. It offered only little protection from the rain, but Ae Shin still had to smile at the familiarity of the gesture. When she looked in his direction, he smiled mischievously at her and said: “Two men going somewhere alone will arouse far less suspicion, don’t you think?”
Ae Shin couldn’t help but laugh in return. She had missed even his silly sense of humor.
She led him a little away from the camp where they were out of sight from the others and could find shelter under one of the trees. Then she rolled out one of the mats of hay she had picked up on their way and sat on it. When she looked in his direction again Ae Shin could see how he nervously fidgeting with his hands again, clearly unsure how to proceed.
She tried to give him her most reassuring smile. “Come sit with me.”
This time, when he sat down right next to her, she didn’t hesitate but instead rested her head on his shoulder right away. She could feel how he instantly relaxed under her touch and how a deep sigh of relief he must have been holding in for a long time left his lunges and suddenly all uncertainties that had festered between them vanished into thin air. Now every breath she took felt like a new beginning, or maybe it was just the resumption of something they had to abandon along the way when the path they walked together had become more rocky and unsteady. Now finally they had found their footing again, at least for this one night. She didn’t dare think further than that.
There was a long span of silence between them, but it wasn’t an unpleasant one. All she needed to know from him she found in the steadiness of his breath and the relaxed steadfastness of his body right next to her.
After a while, Ae Shin asked: “Aren’t you tired?”
Out of the corner of her eyes, she could see him smile ruefully. “I’m sorry, I should let you rest.”
Before he could fully get up, Ae Shin quickly grabbed his hand to stop him. She could feel the metal of his wedding band, warmed by his skin. The implication of it burn her fingers and her heart. “Wait.”
While he hesitantly sat down again, she took off her necklace and put her own wedding band on her finger once again, right where it belonged. For a few seconds, both of them stared at her hand in silence, then she looked up to him and said: “Isn’t it common in America for a married couple to sleep next to each other?”
Instead of answering, he simply enclosed her hand with his far bigger one. For a moment, he seemed deeply lost in thoughts, silently admiring the sight of their wedding bands right next to each other. The smile that gazed his lips was nothing more than a slight curve, barely recognizable compared to many of the others he had shown her before, but there was an almost fragile tenderness to it that made it all the more beautiful and special. The sight of it did things to her she could barely put into words and this time it was her who’s heart was uncontrollably racing, with him sitting so close to her. A fair price for what she gained in return.
Eventually, when he managed to break free of the spell the sight of their wedding bands had put him under, he silently laid down, without ever letting go of her hand. Ae Shin didn’t hesitate for a second and took her place right next to him until they were facing each other. The only thing between them were their joined hands right next to their faces. They lay so close to each other that their breaths mingled and the hot air that left his slightly parted lips went straight into her lungs, making her whole body burn with a longing she didn’t understand.
For the longest time, they stayed like this, breathing each other's breath, all the while never breaking eye contact. Now that they lay so close to each other, she could for the first time look at all the details of his face in peace. He had changed much since the first time she had laid eyes on him. There was an openness to his features that hasn’t been there in the beginning. The once always present frown had softened to something almost easy and relaxed. Ae Shin didn’t have to fight tooth and nail anymore to ring even the slightest smile out of him, now he gave them generously and in spares. She noticed it in the way people were naturally drawn to him and sought out his company, like they hadn’t when she first had met him. His life was all the more radiating and vibrant now. Maybe it was he who was the flame after all, finally able to burn brightly with a little care shown to him by others. She’d like to think that she did her small part in helping this miracle come into existence.
But there was more about him that had changed. His countenance might be bright and far less burdened than it was before, but when looking closer, Ae Shin could see that the last years had taken their toll on him. There was nothing left of the proper and put together soldier she had known before. His hair was rugged and a little longer than was fashionable in the west, the shadows under his eyes deeper and his cheekbones stood out more sharply than they already had before. He was still the most handsome man to her and he managed to hide it well, but it was still undeniable that something must have happened during those years they had been parted.
“What have you done these last three years? Have you been well?”
There was a short pause of silence while he seemed to gauge the intention of her question. As he finally opened his mouth to speak, she already knew from the look in his eyes and the reassuring smile he put on that what he said next would be a sweet lie. “Nothing of great importance. I was mostly by myself.” When he saw her sceptical look, he added: “I missed you. Every single day. Being parted from you was the heaviest burden I had to endure.” This time, he spoke with fullest conviction. Ae Shin knew that there was more to it and that he again put his own well being behind to protect hers. She wished he wouldn’t do that all the time. One day, she would get the full truth out of him. But tonight she didn’t want to pry too much.
“I’m cold,” she said instead. And it was true. The cold and dampness was already crawling into her bones. Only her hand joined with his was still offering some warmth. “Aren’t you?”
“I am,” he answered and before he could say more Ae Shin had already moved closer, resting her head in the nape of his neck. It took him a moment to react, then he carefully wrapped his arms around her until she was fully enclosed by the heat of his body. At once the cold was gone and a deep sigh of relief left her lungs. She inhaled the scent of his, so familiar to her even if she had only been able to really appreciate it a few times. As if driven by instinct, she pressed her body closer against his, for the first time able to feel all the hard muscles that made up his strong body. That strange feeling of longing and restlessness returned and she had the urge to move even closer until they truly became one.
As she pressed herself even tighter against him, she could hear him make a strange rumbling noise that she felt vibrate through his whole chest. When Ae Shin looked up to him in concern, she could see how red his face was, even despite the dark. He cleared his throat loudly and tried to avoid her eyes, as if mortified by something. His lips were pressed together tightly and his brows were furrowed in concentration.
“Am I making you uncomfortable?” Now it was her turn to feel embarrassed. Of course he would be uncomfortable with her being this intrusive. Ae Shin didn’t know much about the things a married couple shared with each other in private, but she at least knew that men didn’t like women to be too forward. She suddenly felt herself reminded of the time when she so thoughtlessly asked him to do “love” with her. He was fazed by her brashness back then as well. Clearly she hadn’t learned a thing and in some ways was still the foolish young girl she had been back then.
“I’m sorry,” she whispered and made to move away to give him a little space, but before she came far, Ae Shin could feel the steady presence of his hand at her back, pulling her closer again.
“It’s alright!”, he answered quickly, with a voice far too loud and breathless to be considered anything but awkward. “It’s alright. Just stay here with me and don’t … Just don’t move. Please ...”
Ae Shin still felt a slight wave of mortification, but she did plan to do as he said. If it was up to her, she forever wanted to stay like this, not moving even an inch ever again in her life.
There hasn’t passed a day where she hadn’t imagined this. Spending the night with him, falling asleep in the soothing embrace of his strong arms. Only in her imagination, they didn’t lie on the dirty ground but on clean white sheets in his bed in New York, listening to the busy noises of daily life sounding from the streets below. A faraway place of peace and freedom where people didn’t need to fear the terrors of the Japanese forces.
It was a place that forever would only in Ae Shins dreams only. At last she was finally able to sleep in his arms, and no dream of hers could ever compare to this feeling, but the terrors the Japanese army brought with it were realer than ever. Only a few days had gone by since she had witnessed herself what they were capable of.
She hated herself for thinking of it now, but it was too late already to stop it. There was nothing for her to do but to bury her face in the nape of his neck and hope that he wouldn’t notice the silent tears she shed.
Of course he noticed. He might not say a word, but Ae Shin could feel how his arms squeezed her a little tighter against him and how his hand carefully moved up to the back of her neck, reassuringly stroking the patch of uncovered skin there. It was a soothing gesture full of tenderness, but it only made the tears come stronger.
“Does it ever get better?”
“It doesn't. You just learn to live with it and not think about it for every second of every day. That’s all you can do. Survive one more day, and then another, so their sacrifice wasn’t in vain.”
Their sacrifice. Ae Shin was tired of hearing those words. What had she ever done that made her deserving of anyone's sacrifices? “They died because of me.”
“They died for you,” he said with so much conviction that she almost believed him. “And for the people. Don’t belittle what they did by causing yourself even more pain. That’s the last thing they would have wanted.”
Ae Shin knew that he was right. But the manner of their deaths and the mindset that lead them to it was something that frightened her to her core. They weren’t the first to die for her and nothing terrified her more than the thought that they might not be the last.
“I never want anyone to ever die for me again.” The words were whispered right next to his ear, because that was right where they belonged. Who else was still there for her to lose? She didn’t think she would be able to survive if he was taken from her as well. Even when she had known him to be safe and sound on the far other side of the ocean, it had felt like someone had ripped an integral part out of her body and only put it back in upon his return.
For the longest time, neither of them said a word. All the while, he was still tenderly stroking the back of her neck. The soothing motion was slowly lulling her to sleep.
Finally he said with a quiet and pensive voice: “My mother died for me as well. It was the greatest act of love I had ever been shown.”
Now it was her turn to squeeze him tightly. Those words frightened her more than anything else he could have said. Already she was feeling him slip through her fingers. “Never leave my side again. No matter what.”
There was another long breathe of silence. If not for the way he pulled her even closer in his embrace, she would have thought he hadn’t heard her at all. “Please.”
“For as long as my feet can carry me, I will always walk the same path as you.”
His words were nothing but a quiet whisper at the shell of her ear, but he might as well have shouted them for all the world to hear, there was so much conviction and assuredness behind them. They made Ae Shin let out a sigh of relief as her body once again relaxed into the safety of his embrace.
“We should rest. Today was exhausting.” Already she could feel her eyelids become heavy.
“Still, it was a good day.”
“It was?” There was a short span of silence, but she could feel how his lips, still pressed tightly against the shell of her ear, slowly curved into an easy smile. Then he simply said: “I got to see you.” Nothing more. As if it was the most natural thing in the world.
Ae Shin had never looked at it like that, but still, she liked the simplicity and pureness of that thought. Maybe categorizing her days like that would make the ones to come a little more bearable and bright. “Tomorrow will be a good day as well, then.”
“What about the day after?,” he asked teasingly, but even while already half asleep, Ae Shin could hear the hopefulness in his words.
She was already too far gone to answer him, but the thought of more good days to come put her restless mind at ease. And so, she was finally able to fall asleep in his arms for the very first time.