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All in all, college was actually going pretty well for Catra.
Her gpa was still a 4.0, she actually liked the debate team she’d signed up for at the beginning of the year, and she was enjoying her civil engineering classes.
Her only problem was Adora.
Junior year of high school, Adora had been distant from Catra. She’d done everything she could think of to not let space form between them, but Adora kept pushing her away. Catra would try to sit next to her in assembly and Adora would scoot away. Not dramatically, but enough to notice. Catra would try to talk to Adora at lunch, and she wouldn’t make eye contact. She’d hug Adora, like they’d done since they were kids, and Adora would tense up.
It hurt Catra, to feel Adora pull away from her, but her therapist told her to give it time, and that Adora was probably going through some things on her own. Fortunately her therapist had been right, and by senior year it was almost like it had never happened.
Almost.
So they’d applied to the same colleges together and agreed to be roommates. It was everything they’d ever wanted as kids. Except Adora was different.
Throughout high school, Adora had never dated or had a crush on anyone. She hadn’t even had a date to prom. Now, however, Adora seemed to bring a different girl home every couple of weeks.
At first, Catra though it would be temporary. She thought that Adora was just enjoying being free from the ever-present judgement of her foster mother, but Adora didn’t stop. She’d started bringing home girls, always girls, a month after classes started, and now it was three weeks to dead week and she didn’t show any sign of stopping soon. Catra wasn’t usually one to judge people for their life choices, let alone Adora, but she was a bit concerned for her. None of Adora’s relationships lasted very long, and none of them seemed to make her happy, either.
Catra had dealt with her crush with Adora years ago. She knew Adora didn’t feel the same way, and even though her feelings for Adora never went away, she’d learned not to push her away because of it. Unfortunately, that didn’t prevent her from still feeling jealous. She didn’t want to be jealous, didn’t want to begrudge other girls Adora’s attention, not when she knew Adora didn’t like her back, but she couldn’t help it. It made her gut twist to see Adora mess around with other girls, but she was dealing with it. At least her ex-girlfriend, Scorpia, was always there when she needed to vent or to be reminded that it was ok to have these feelings.
It wasn’t how Catra imagined rooming with Adora would be like, but at least they were still together.
***
Adora knew she had a problem.
It was the same problem she’d had for years, but now it was worse.
Adora had been in love with Catra for her whole life, but she had only bit the bullet and acknowledged it in junior year.
She hadn’t wanted to.
In fact, she would have preferred to keep repressing it.
But unfortunately, her crush on Catra had made itself impossible to ignore. Every time Catra had spoken to her, her heart raced. Every time she’d sat close in assembly, every time she’d hugged her, every time she’d gone to hold her hand, she’d felt like she was burning alive.
Her foster mother’s words had bounced around in her head. Accusing people like her of being predatory. Of being unnatural. Of being sinful, manipulative, degenerate.
Adora’s heart had twisted every time she’d seen Catra. She couldn’t look Catra in the eyes when she spoke, or Catra would have seen the way her face flushed, would have noticed how she made her voice stammer. Catra would lean too close, and Adora’s mouth would go dry.
It made her feel like a creep.
It wasn’t right to have these feelings for Catra, especially not when Catra didn’t know about them, not when Catra trusted her, and so Adora pushed Catra away, giving herself time to swallow every sweet, tender feeling she’d ever felt about Catra. It went down like sludge.
Eventually, she was able to reduce her feelings from a forest fire to a low flame, and so she slowly allowed herself to be around Catra again.
The jealousy she’d felt when Catra and Scorpia had started dating senior year had been sickening. Adora had tried to be happy for Catra, tried to support her, but the realization that Catra did like girls, she just didn’t like her had felt like a knife in her stomach. Catra had gone to prom with her girlfriend, and Adora had gone alone, flushed with equal parts shame and jealousy. She’d been supportive of Catra, and tried not to envy her ability to be out. It wasn’t Catra’s fault that Adora’s foster mother was homophobic.
Adora still managed to feel both ashamed and relieved when Catra and Scorpia broke up after the year was over, though.
They’d both applied for the same colleges, just like they’d talked about as kids. The idea of sharing the same bedroom as Catra made the old junior-year shame creep back in, so Adora had subtly encouraged Catra to let them live in a suite style dorm instead of a traditional one. The distance made her feel less like a freak.
College was great. Not having her foster mother breathing down her neck was a huge relief, but her words still taunted Adora.
A few weeks into the school year, a boy in Adora’s chemistry lecture had hit on her, and asked her out on a date. She’d said yes, even though she’d never felt any attraction to a boy in her life.
Maybe, she’d thought, maybe I can make myself like this. Maybe if I make myself do this my feeling for Catra will go away.
But as the day of date had gotten closer, as the boy had expressed more interest in physical activities, Adora had started to panic. The thought of being with a boy in a romantic setting made her unhappy and uncomfortable, but the thought of kissing one, and maybe even having to do more, made her feel like she was about to vomit. Adora cancelled the date, after much panic, and instantly felt relief.
After that, Adora had decided to push the words of her foster mother to the back of her mind, and finally, finally let herself get close to a woman like that.
She kissed a girl at a frat party.
The girl’s lips were soft. Her face had been dotted with freckles, and her hair hung in tight coils around her head. Kissing her had been an out of body experience, but she couldn’t help but imagine the girl as a little shorter, a little rougher, a little more bright-eyed.
That had been the first of many…flings. Adora would meet a girl, flirt, go on a few dates, and then ghost her when the guilt became too much. Adora wanted to find someone, wanted a steady girlfriend, and she tried, she really tried.
But in the end, it all boiled down to this; no matter how much she liked other girls, none of them were Catra.
Adora was still in love with her best friend.
***
Catra was sitting at their kitchen table, set up to get an early start on her term paper for psychology. STEM was more of her thing, so she had to work harder in psych than her core classes, but she was hoping that a good grade on this paper would bump her up to an A+ in the class. Her GPA didn’t exactly need the boost, but it was always good to preemptively prepare for harder classes. She had her guilty pleasure mix playing on low in her headphones, all her sources and formatting guidelines pulled up on her computer, and she was ready to write.
That was, of course, when she heard a giant thunk against the front door.
Catra startled, taking off her headphones. It was probably just frat boys fooling around in the hall, but even that made her anxious. She listened to see if they’d leave. Catra didn’t want to have to go out in the hall and scare them off, but she didn’t want to pay the repair fee when they knocked their room number off the door, either. She was relieved, however, to hear a key push into the lock, and the deadbolt slide open.
Catra sprawled out, carefully careless. Just for the drama, of course. The door swung open,
“Hey, Adora,” said Catra.
Who could judge her? Flirting with Adora was like making passes at a brick wall. A stupidly blonde, stupidly buff brick wall, but Catra still did it all the same. Maybe one day Adora would realize she was flirting and tell her off, but until then, Catra wanted her fun, even if the lack of response did hurt a bit.
But Adora didn’t respond with anything but a shaky wave. She turned and locked the door, and Catra took her in in shock.
Adora’s hair was falling out of her ponytail. Her shirt was half untucked, and her flannel was hanging off one shoulder. Her left sneaker was untied, and the back of both her shoes were under her heel like she hadn’t had time to do more than shove her foot in the shoe. When she turned around, Catra saw that Adora’s eyes were red and her face was splotchy. Adora didn’t ever wear makeup, but Catra imagined that if she did, she’d have mascara running down her face.
Adora threw her keys on the table and took a few hurried steps towards their shared bathroom. Catra heard the door swing shut and stood up quickly when she heard the telltale sound of retching from down the hall.
Catra walked to the bathroom, standing by the closed door. Oh yeah, Adora definitely wasn’t having a good time in there.
Catra waited until she thought Adora was done, before knocking on the door.
“Hey, ‘Dora, you good in there?”
The toilet flushed, and Catra thought she heard a sniffle.
“Yeah,” a pause. Catra heard another sniffle. “Guess I just drank too much on an empty stomach,” Adora laughed. Catra thought it sounded forced.
“You sure? You sound like you’re crying in there.”
There was a longer pause, followed by a shuddery exhale.
Adora opened the door, and Catra couldn’t help but wince. Adora’s face was covered in tear tracks, and she looked ill. She pushed past Catra, not roughly but not gentle enough to be friendly, either, moving to brush her teeth at their shared sink.
Catra bit her lip. Was this one of the things her therapist would say to give Adora space for? They’d mostly fixed their relationship after the junior year disaster, but Catra was afraid that Adora was slipping away again, which made her sick with worry. She didn’t want Adora to exist distanced from her, and she didn’t want Adora to hurt, either. Her gaze found the dark circles under Adora’s eyes in the mirror, and then the dark splotches on her neck. Catra decided to just bite the bullet. Time to see if her years of therapy would help her with conflict management.
“Adora, can you please tell me what’s wrong? You’re not as good at lying to me as you think you are. I can tell something’s not right, but I can’t help you if you won’t let me in.” Catra tried her best to sound gentle as possible, but she still saw the way Adora’s shoulders set with tension.
“I’m fine,” said Adora. But she didn’t sound fine. “I’m just, um, adjusting? Without my foster mother, I mean, it’s just so much different,” a shaky exhale, “I’m just not used to this much….freedom, I guess?”
Catra could tell that wasn’t the full truth, and it hurt to know that Adora was still hiding something from her, but instead of getting angry, she tried to look at it from Adora’s perspective. Whatever it was was obviously deeply personal, and even though they were best friends, Catra knew she wasn’t indebted to know everything about Adora. As her therapist had told her; privacy and respect for boundaries were good for all relationships.
She couldn’t force Adora to tell her what was wrong, as much as she wanted to know. She wouldn’t. She also trusted Adora enough to know that she’d tell her if she was in any danger.
Catra may not have understood what was bugging her, but she could still be there for Adora. She wrapped her arms around Adora, laid her face against her back, and squeezed her tight. It was a little awkward, both because of their height difference and the fact that Adora was still facing away from her, but Catra could feel the way she sagged in relief.
Please don’t pull away.
Catra could feel Adora’s breath hitching. She’d always been a quiet crier.
“Y’know you can tell me anything, right, Adora? You’re my best friend, dummy.” She felt Adora’s chest heave.
“Yeah,” said Adora, lacing their fingers together. “I know.”
Her hands were shaking.
***
“Listen, Catra,” said Glimmer. “Think about all the girls Adora has brought back to the dorm. Notice any similarities? Anything that looks…familiar?”
“Listen, Sparkles,” said Catra, stabbing a baby carrot in agitation. “Like I said, I don’t know what you and Bow are alluding to.” She pointed the fork at Glimmer in an accusatory manner. “And you better not drag Scorpia into this, ok? Adora doesn’t like her, for whatever reason, and if she finds out you’ve included her in your little conspiracy, she might get upset.”
Catra popped the carrot into her mouth, wincing at the taste. Oh, dining hall food. What would she do without it.
“There’s no conspiracy,” explained Glimmer, kicking her legs a little under the booth. “We just want you to look at the girls Adora messes with! I mean, really look at them. We’re not pressuring you into anything! We just think some, uh, reflection could help you figure out what’s up with Adora!”
Catra sighed. She didn’t see how playing hall monitor over Adora’s string of not-girlfriends would do any good, but at this point she was willing to try anything.
“Alright, fine, whatever.”
She only kicked Glimmer a little when she screamed in excitement.
***
Catra felt weird, watching Adora’s not-girlfriends, but she didn’t know why.
Dark curly hair, freckles here, cute laughs there, most on the shorter side of normal. They were all nice girls, but something about them nagged on the edge of Catra’s brain.
Especially when one of them shot Catra a surprised look when she was leaving.
All this leading to where Catra was now: a frat party with Adora. Neither of them were technically old enough to drink yet, but that didn’t stop booze from going around anyways, and after last week’s performance, Catra wasn’t willing to let Adora get drunk by herself again. And so Catra was leaned against the living room wall of some stranger’s house, cup in hand, watching Adora make passes at some girl on the dance floor.
The girl was small, but still probably taller than Catra. Her long, dark hair was pulled into a bun, and her soft face was covered in freckles. She wasn’t really someone Catra would go for, but she could admit that the girl was pretty cute. One of her friends pulled away, leaving Adora alone among the sea of sweaty, drunk college kids. Catra watched as Adora shrugged, tossed back the rest of her drink with a shudder, and began making her way back over to Catra.
Catra couldn’t help but bask in the sight of Adora. She always thought she was attractive, but sometimes it was just so much more obvious than others. Adora was tall. She had at least 6 inches on Catra. If anyone asked, Catra would deny it to her dying breath, but the height difference made her stomach flip. Catra loved her broad shoulders, the little scars on her face from when she crashed her bicycle in fifth grade, the chip in her front tooth from the time she got punched by a school bully for standing up for Catra. She loved Adora’s dorky laugh and innocent nature. She loved how Adora’s eyes glittered when she looked at her, how she laughed with her whole body.
Fuck, fuck, not now, stupid dumb lesbian brain, thought Catra. Oh god, she’s coming over. C’mon, Catra, think straight thoughts. Uh. Riverdale. That one ugly French dude. Don’t think about Adora’s cute butt, or her smile. Oh god, you dumb lesbian she’s almost here-
Catra quickly started drinking in attempt to hide the blush she was sure covered her face. She had to fight the urge to choke when Adora spoke.
“Hey, Catra. This party kind of sucks. Wanna go to Waffle House?”
Catra nodded, relieved. They used to go to Waffle House all the time in high school, partially because breakfast food was Catra’s guilty pleasure and partly because it was the one of the only places open late enough to eat at after Adora could finally sneak out every Friday night.
Adora smiled and reached out for Catra’s hand, tugging her towards the front door. Waffle House was fortunately only a few blocks away, and they were both sober enough to walk. Catra wouldn’t mind walking miles, not as long as Adora was with her.
***
Adora didn’t know why she did this to herself.
She loved being around Catra. She loved that Catra still wanted to be around her, even after the disaster she was Junior year. But being so close to Catra hurt. Adora’s hand was sweating from where Catra’s palm was against her. She felt like a disaster.
Her feelings for Catra were like a bruised peach; sickly sweet and cloying. Still, she couldn’t help but dig her thumb into it until her fingers were sticky with it. It was painful in such a personal way it was intoxicating.
Last week, her now-ex kind-of girlfriend had cut things off with her. She’d said she knew Adora was using her as a stand-in for Catra, and Adora hated that she was right. She’d advised Adora to confess to Catra, telling her that she couldn’t move past her feelings until she let them air, but Adora knew she’d never be able to. Adora would carry her feelings for Catra to the ends of the earth before she risked Catra leaving her over them.
Catra didn’t love her back. Catra didn’t need her like that, didn’t want her like that.
She wanted to be there for Catra, to support her, but she would take whatever she could get, even if it was a constant reminder of what would never happen.
***
Adora watched Catra shovel chocolate chip waffles into her mouth from across the table, laughing to herself. Catra could lie all she wanted, but Adora knew her weakness was carbs. Catra looked up, meeting Adora’s eye. Adora blushed, knowing she’d been caught staring, and moved to put ketchup over her fried eggs and hashbrowns.
Catra wrinkled her nose, sticking her tongue out. “Gross.”
Adora rolled her eyes. She’d been putting ketchup on eggs for as long as she could remember, and she sure wasn’t stopping now.
They ate in silence, content to just enjoy the meal. The little bit of alcohol Adora’d had made her bold, and she kept stealing glances at Catra. It wasn’t often that she let herself think about how pretty Catra was.
Adora looked at Catra. She loved her short, curly hair, which was cropped the summer after Junior year. She loved Catra’s mismatched eyes, always bright and smart as all get out. Adora loved the way Catra’s nose wrinkled when she laughed and the way her cheeks dimpled when she smiled. Adora loved her freckles, barely-there against her brown skin in the wintertime but spread like stars in the sky in the summer. She loved how clever she was, how protective she was, how she made Adora feel like they could do anything in the world together. Almost anything.
Adora’s heart twisted. She blinked, looking down at her plate. Maybe she should just focus on her eggs.
***
Catra frowned, thinking about what Glimmer had told her. What did Adora’s female friends all have in common?
Adora got up to pay for their meal, shutting Catra’s attempt to pay down before it could even happen. Catra watched her from the booth, noticing the glances Adora was throwing her from the cashier’s counter. Adora had been throwing her little looks the whole meal. What was up with that?
Catra thought about it. She kept thinking about it when Adora took her hand and they left Waffle House, and thought it some more as they sat at the bus stop, waiting for the university bus to come and take them back to their dorm. She leaned against Adora’s side, closing her eyes.
What had been up with Adora Junior year? She’d never actually given Catra an explanation. Adora had never actually told her why she’d been so distant. For a whole year, Adora had acted like she could barely stand to be around Catra. She’d looked away, stiffened up, put distance between them.
And then swept it under the rug like it had never happened with an apology and a shy laugh.
Catra thought about the looks Adora had been giving her at the party, so similar to the looks she’d given her at senior prom. Catra thought about how Adora had been tense all night, and unfriendly with Scorpia even though Adora usually liked everyone. Catra thought about how she had looked when she’d offered to dance with her, since she didn’t have a date. How her face had twisted when she’d said Scorpia wouldn’t mind.
She thought about the girls Adora had brought back to the dorm. Dark, curly hair. Short. Freckles. Bright eyes and sly smiles.
Adora wasn’t afraid of commitment. Why hadn’t any of her relationships lasted long? Catra knew she’d never intentionally mistreat anyone.
Bright eyes. Freckles. Curly hair.
She knew those traits.
Adora had tensed up when she’d gotten close to her. The only thing she’d never talk about with Catra was crushes, even though she knew they both liked girls.
Short girls. Dark, curly hair. Bright eyes, bright smiles.
She knew those traits.
She saw them in the mirror.
***
“Adora, all your exes kinda look like me.”
Adora stopped breathing. She felt the blood drain from her face.
Fuck, fuck, this can’t be happening. I thought I’d have longer.
“Adora,” Catra said teasingly, smile spreading across her face. “Adora, do you like me?”
Adora felt fear and shame, heavy and cold, settle in her gut. Every horrible thought she’d ever had about this was about to happen. She pulled away from Catra, scooting down the bench. She turned her face away from Catra as she felt tears prick at her eyes. Her face heated and she looked down, clenching her now-empty hands.
“Aww, do you think I’m hot?”
Adora swung back around, anger added to the miasma in her head. “I’m in love with you, you brat!” Catra’s eyes went wide. The admission made Adora want to vomit, but now that she’d started confessing she couldn’t stop. “I have been for years! I felt like a fucking creep! I finally dealt with it enough to be around you again and then you and Scorpia started dating! Do you know how much it hurt to realize that yeah, you liked girls too, you just didn’t like me?” A pause. Adora caught her breath, pressing her face into her hands. “Fuck, I’m sorry Catra, that wasn’t fair. I’ll deal with this, I promise. Please don’t….please don’t hate me.” Adora drew in a shaky breath, lifting her tear-stained face to look at Catra.
“Please don’t leave.”
Catra’s heart was pounding. Was she hallucinating? Adora liked her too? Adora pushed her away junior year….because she was in love with her? With her?
“Adora,” said Catra, leaning closer. “You dummy.”
Catra grabbed her chin softly, tangling her other hand in Adora’s hair. She exhaled, releasing every worry in the world with it.
“I love you too.”
She kissed Adora softly, running a thumb over her cheek. Catra’s heart soared when Adora gasped softly, pulling Catra into her lap. Adora tilted her head back, letting Catra deepen the kiss. Adora’s hands stopped to rest on Catra’s hips, holding her like she was the most precious thing in the world. They kissed until they were both breathless, stopping only when the kiss became too heated for a public bench.
Adora pressed her face into the crook of Catra’s neck, chastely kissing the skin not covered by the high collar of her shirt. She was still crying, but now they were colored with more joy than she’d felt in her entire life. She felt delirious with it, drunk with the knowledge that she loved her too.
Catra loved her too.
Adora looked up, smiling crookedly at Catra. Catra smiled back.
“Hey, Adora.”