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You stare at the tall boy a few feet away from you. He kept looking around, wandering his eyes all over the place, seemingly trying to find someone. And it’s astounding how in a sea of tens and hundreds of people, you can spot him so easily as if he was the only one there. It was as if your eyes were programmed to automatically focus on this one boy and blur out everyone else around him. It’s funny how easily you get lost and how easily you lose things, but here you are, standing in a crowded shopping mall, easily recognizing someone you have not seen for four years.
Just before you walk towards him, he sees you. He smiles at you, and suddenly it was like the rays of the sun passed through the concrete roof of the building and shone on him. And when he called your name, the sound of people talking, the intercom announcing extended mall hours, the different songs playing on different stores, everything was gone and it was silent except for those three words spoken like a chorus of angels singing.
"I missed you."
You have loved Wonwoo for so long that you don't even remember how and when it started. You have loved him for years that you don't even know now how it felt like not doing so.
Growing up, you have always been the girl who chose to stay inside a box of who you should be. There used to be this handbook of being the girl that you are, just this and just that. You stay only behind yellow lanes, never dared to cross the street once the pedestrian signal starts blinking. You never squeezed yourself inside a packed elevator or went out past ten. You were at the safest you think you could be.
But Wonwoo was the personification of bravery and spontaneity. No, he was not your teen fiction young adult bad boy protagonist. He was just the sweet and young Wonwoo. And so when you opened your door to welcome him in, it was also like opening that door so you could walk out, holding his hand, and see a bigger world out there for you.
Wonwoo was the giggle and chuckle and loud laughter even at dawn. He was the roller coaster at the amusement park. He was the far off end of the swimming pool where it’s the deepest. He was the last full show of a horror movie. He was everything you were terrified of.
But Wonwoo was also the pebble thrown at your window at twelve a.m. because you said you were craving for ice cream. He was the scarf around your neck on a snowy Christmas day when you said you’d rather stay home, but he insisted because he needed to give you his gift. He was the sunrise when you almost chose to sleep in until noon. He was the hand holding yours as you cross the street running because there’s only seven seconds left until the cars move. He was your courage— your most terrifying jump and your sweetest downfall.
Because with the late night Ministop runs, intertwined fingers and forehead kisses, you were suddenly not afraid anymore.
He enveloped you in a hug, and it was a feeling you have missed but have never forgotten for all those years that he was gone and you weren’t together.
You have loved him for so long that you've learned to hide the look in your eyes, the smile on your face and the tone of your voice, so he won't even notice they're specially for him at all.
"I didn't think there would be this many people. Good thing you found me right away."
"Of course," he answered, smiling, "Three years was too short to impair my you-radar."
You looked up at him, and smiled back, “Best bestfriend ever.”
You have loved him for so long that the look in your eyes, the smile on your face and the tone of your voice were enough to conceal the sudden knot you feel around your chest everytime. You have loved him for so long that you've mastered the art of keeping it all to yourself.
He smiled back, and grabbed your hand, “This is a bad place to meet up. Let’s get out of here?”
It was in the middle of walking to the nearest ice cream parlor when the rain started to pour. You were about to run to wherever there was a roof but he clutched on to your hand tightly, and stood still.
“Wonu!” you called, looking back at him.
But he stared at you gently, still standing firmly.
“I really missed you,” he said, so softly that the rain almost swallowed the sound of his voice.
He pulled you in closer and placed his forehead on your shoulder, still not letting go.
“Hey,” you whispered, holding up to touch his hair gently, “What’s wrong?”
You feel him shaking his head.
There was a pause for a couple of seconds before he spoke again, this time it was loud enough that you were sure you heard it even with the sound of rain hitting roofs and floors.
“I love you.”
And you know he has said those words a million times before over years of your friendship, but all those times you were certain they were spoken exactly for the person that you are in his life— his best friend. But right at that moment, four years since you last saw each other, under the pouring rain, you knew it was different.
You just watched as he stood up properly to look at you, and he was about to say something but you shivered from the cold.
“I’m sorry,” he said, but you shook your head.
You slipped your hands into his sides, and buried your head on his chest. You can hear his loud heartbeats maybe as loud as yours if not more. You felt his hands on your back, hugging you tighter. Holding you in place. He was not letting go. You weren't either.
“Yeah?” you answered, still gripping the cloth of his jumper.
“Hmm,” he hummed.
And you smiled. Because this time, you don’t have to hide it anymore. This time, you don’t have to pretend anymore.
You hugged him tightly, not minding the people running around and the look on their faces, not minding the rain, and not minding the cold. Because Wonwoo was there. And Wonwoo was warmth. Wonwoo was safety. Wonwoo was home. And it was all that matters.