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The first time Seokmin kisses you, you are at the corner of 67 and Hakdong, under the faint orange glow of an old streetlamp.
You called him that night, uttering a litany of complaints about work, your boss, the house bills, some guy in the supermarket who cut you in line, about how hungry you are, and how you didn’t have time to make dinner because of it all. He scolded you over the phone, voice low and raspy, but good-natured, nonetheless.
“Why do you keep doing this to yourself?” He was both amused and worried. You felt a little guilty for waking him up and was about to dismiss the idea, but he cut you off. “See, this is what I’m talking about. You always feel guilty just for needing something. I’ll be there in 5.”
And so, a knock was heard on your door after 4 minutes and 38 seconds– but who’s counting?
“What’s on your mind?” Seokmin asked, bumping you lightly, while you were on your way to the convenience store. He gave you a sidelong glance, one corner of his mouth slightly turned upward in a small smile.
You gave him your own, glaring side-eye. “Did you miss my 15-minute TED talk?”
He chuckled, eyes disappearing due to the rise of his cheeks. “That was what, 10 minutes ago? Surely, you’re thinking about something else right now. You’re always thinking.” He looked straight ahead, his smile lingering.
“Well, there’s a lot to think about.”
“Do you think about me?” He teased.
You snorted but were truthful when you answered. “Sometimes.”
There was a millisecond of Seokmin missing his step, but you didn’t say anything. He turned to the side, hiding a blush probably, if his bright red ears were any indication.
You wondered when exactly you started having feelings for your good friend. It hasn’t been easy moving to a foreign country by yourself, so typically, you became attached to anyone who showed you an ounce of kindness.
And Seokmin has shown you plenty.
It was difficult connecting at first, seeing how shy he is and how generally standoffish you are, but constantly hanging out with the same group of friends made your own friendship bloom inevitably. Actually, if you were being honest, you owed most of it to his perpetual kindness and effort.
“You scare him,” Minghao said once. Making sense of the way the other boy has been painfully awkward around you. “But he also thinks you’re pretty, so he tries.”
You frowned. “I didn’t take him for that kind of guy.” And you didn’t, really. There was something about Seokmin that made you trust him immediately despite yourself, so he couldn’t be that kind of guy.
Minghao laughed. “He isn’t. He also said you were probably lonely.”
And before you knew it, Seokmin had burrowed under your skin and made a home out of that little beating box in your chest. You didn’t even notice it until your dreams have started consisting of tousled dark hair, a toothy grin, and a voice like sunshine– except you didn’t really need to sleep for this dream.
I am falling in love, you conceded .
“Do you think about me?” You said, feeling brave.
Seokmin stopped, making you stop. And you both just stood there, at the corner of 67 and Hakdong. He looked at you as if he was seeing you for the first time, and for a second, you were afraid you were wrong. You opened your mouth to say something, anything to diffuse the suddenly thick atmosphere. But before you could, he leaned in, placed his trembling lips over yours, and you stopped thinking about anything that had nothing to do with the warmth that came along with them.
You missed him as soon as he pulled away.
“Oh,” you said and nothing else.
Seokmin looked surprised with himself. Soft rose dusted his cheeks, and judging by how warm yours were, you were sure it was the same for you.
You watched his expression change when he finally realized what he did, so you took his hand in both of yours and smiled up at him. “Come on. I want a hot bowl of doenjang jjigae.”
I am in love, you conceded.
The second time Seokmin kisses you, you kiss him.
It was a week later, and you haven’t seen each other since due to conflicting schedules. He had just been casted in his first musical as the lead – the lead! You would’ve felt bad getting in between that; so, despite living in the same building, your interactions were limited to a few good-mornings, goodnights, and a few don’t-forget-to-eats in text.
You’re proud of him, the kind of proud that made you want to strike up a conversation with a stranger in the subway, just so you can show him off. You’ve never done that before, but for him, you will.
For him, you will.
You and Seokmin met at Minghao’s patio. The latter was hosting a celebratory party for the success of his first art exhibit. You came by yourself straight from home, while Seokmin came with quite the company. You recognize most of them as artists in the same agency as he is.
As soon as his eyes landed on you, Seokmin smiled that smile that made your knees weak. “Hey, you,” he greeted, a steady arm instinctively reaching out for a hug which you happily took.
“Hey, yourself,” you mumbled back against his neck.
This earned you both mischievous looks from your friends, something that you felt even before you turned to them. “Did we miss anything?” Soonyoung mused as he rang the doorbell.
Seokmin laughed nervously. “We just haven’t seen each other for a week.”
Just. You try not to frown.
“Who hasn’t seen each other in a week?” It was Jeonghan who answered the door, instantly catching up.
“These two,” Jun stuck out his thumb towards your direction before going ahead inside.
“You haven’t seen me in a month,” Jeonghan remarked, pouting. “Where’s my hug?”
Seokmin sighed playfully before engulfing the older guy in an embrace as requested. “Ah, you know I always have one prepared for you.”
Laughter filled Minghao’s entryway, as a couple of your friends greeted you, the slightly unusual display of affection between you and Seokmin earlier now forgotten. It got so rowdy that a couple of guests started gathering where you were to see what the commotion is all about. Minghao had to peep from the hallway and beckon you to stop blocking the entrance.
You approached the star of the evening, congratulated him for his successful event, and complimented the luxurious set of silk robe he donned over an equally luxurious set of silk pajamas. Only he could pull this off.
“Thanks, darling.” He wrapped his arms around you, unsteadily swayed you and kissed your cheek. He’s drunk, you thought in amusement. He then led you and the whole entourage of newcomers to the buffet table. And then he turned to you and Seokmin. “You came together?”
“Oh, no– ” You started.
“Cut it out guys.” Seokmin intervened, doing that same nervous laughter he did earlier. “You know we’re all friends.”
He took a glimpse at you and you grudgingly wondered how he has the audacity to look at you with that dumbfounded expression when he’s the one denying what you were.
Or weren’t?
“Yeah,” you agreed in almost a whisper.
He came up behind you later, when you went to get some air. It was a beautiful evening. There weren’t as many stars as you’d like, but the moon was bright and magnificent and comforting.
“You haven’t touched your food.” He noted, and you stared at your untouched plate atop the stone balcony railing. “Nor have you said a word to me the entire night.”
“I spoke to you when we got here.” You hoped your voice was sterner, but a slight squeak was all you could muster. “And I’m talking to you now. What’s up?”
“We’re not friends,” he quietly announced out of nowhere.
You looked at him, knowing full well what he meant, but you refused to give in so easily. “No?”
“No.” He echoed. “But– but I didn’t think you felt the same way.” He was looking at the ground, scratching his neck bashfully. “What do I have to offer, right?”
Why? Was your first thought. Ridiculous , was the second. And then, while trying to formulate your own argument about how irrational it is for someone so wonderful to be so insecure, it struck you too. Trying to grasp his existence– it struck you, and not like an explosive bomb shooting out of nowhere making you run for dear life kind of feeling, but more like dipping in hot spring: slowly, steady, serene. Maybe there weren’t as many stars now because they have all given up their light and made him.
“Seokmin,” you called softly. “You kissed me. And I kissed you back.” Seokmin’s face and neck turned a bright red as soon as you said those words. It’s unfair, really. He wasn’t even done apologizing, but here you were, having an epiphany about how much he meant to you. “Please understand my heart.”
He stared at you. "I think I do." He chuckled to himself. “That was dumb.”
“What was?” Your voice rose a bit, and he misread it as you being offended.
“N-nothing. Me– not you, me. I was dumb.” He took a deep breath. “I thought you’d feel awkward about the others bringing it up. And we never really talked about it, you know?”
“I do feel awkward, but that’s just because I am awkward. Seokmin,I let you stay the night.” You walked closer to him. “You held me.” You tiptoed until you reached his lips and planted a firm kiss there. “I kissed you again. What do you make of that?”
“We’re not friends,” he repeated, breathless, his eyes wide, staring intently at you.
“No,” you echoed. Seokmin then cupped your face in both hands and captured your lips in a kiss unlike the first. Where that was unsure and reserved, this was certain and eager.
“Oh my God,” it was Soonyoung. You’ve been found, it seemed.
“One, two, three…” Seokmin counts as he kisses your shoulder, neck, and jaw.
“Four, five, six…” Seokmin counts as he kisses your forehead, cheeks, and nose.
“Seven, eight, nine…” Seokmin counts as he kisses your lips three times.
This finally stirs you awake. A smile graces your lips before you even open your eyes.
“Hello, there,” you murmur, squinting your eyes as you open them. The sun was too bright, or maybe that was just Seokmin. “What’s on your mind?” You ask, alluding that same question he asked you the first night you kissed.
He stares at you for a good minute, a hand grazing your cheek and tucking away stray strands of hair.
“I love you,” Seokmin says simply.