Chapter Text
Spencer Reid felt it. He‘d felt it for days now, the aching in the crock of his elbow, in need for something that would take away his pain.
But he was clean, almost 6 months, although he still had a vial of the clear liquid he craved and a syringe in his drawer right next to his bed. It was for an emergency. He’d repeated that everyday like a mantra which would save him from falling into that dark hole he‘d been in.
After he got home from work that day he felt the urge, to just open the vial and inject the contents into his system, more than ever. Like everyday in the past week, he opened his drawer took the vial and syringe and placed them onto his coffee table.
He sat there for almost an hour, seeing if he could resist the temptation, until his phone made a buzzing sound that had him shrugged.
Morgan. He sighed. This had become more frequent in the last weeks. Morgan had texted him at almost midnight, asking if he wanted to join him on a beer or just for a walk outside. Spencer had come up with some good excuses but he knew that eventually he had to talk to Morgan because he wouldn‘t let that go until Spencer had talked to him.
After not answering to Morgan‘s text his phone started vibrating again, now he was calling. Great.
„Morgan, it is after midnight, what do you want?“
„I just wanted to know if you‘re okay, the case has been pretty tough.“ Morgan‘s voice was full of concern.
„Yeah i‘m alright, just tired.“ Spencer was trembling, he tried focusing on Morgan but the vial on his coffee table took all of his attention.
„Reid, you still there?“ Morgan asked and Spencer needed a moment to come back to reality and to stop thinking about how easy it would be to get high right now.
„Yeah..I.. I just need some sleep. See you tomorrow.” after he said that Spencer immediately ended the call.
He let out a deep breath after he put his phone away, his thoughts went back to the vial of dilaudid which was still sitting on his coffee table.
After another half an hour he got up, putting the vial and syringe back into his drawer. He got changed and then went directly to bed, he fell asleep pretty soon but his dreams were going into a horrible direction.
The case they had just finished left the team with four dead girls and their broken parents, although they found the UnSub the girls remained dead. He saw them in his sleep, asking him why he couldn’t identify the monster sooner, why he let them die, why he was still there, when they weren’t.
He jerked awake, taking a look at the clock. 2:37 a.m. Spencer knew sleep wasn’t an option for that night anymore, so he got up. After trying to calm his breathing down he made himself a cup of coffee and sat down in the living room.
As he took a look around the room he saw his gun laying on top of his messenger bag. After a few sips of coffee Spencer eventually got up and took the loaded gun into his hands. It would be so easy to end all of this. But he couldn’t, he needed to look after his Mom, he needed to help his team, he needed to help other people, because he didn’t know how to help himself.
After many moments of debating what he would do now he took the bullets out of his gun. Spencer now put the bullets and his gun separated into his messenger bag.
He made his way to his drawer and took the vial and syringe out of it, placing them like everyday onto his coffee table.
Spencer was feeling awful, like he couldn’t breathe. He just wanted to be numb again and it would be so easy but he couldn’t, so he grabbed his phone and dialed Morgan’s number.
„Reid? What’s going on?” Morgan’s voice was nothing more than a sleepy quite sound.
„I’m sorry but I thing I need your help.. can you come over? Please..” Spencer was shaking.
„Yeah of course, I’ll be there in fifteen.” and with that the call ended.
After realising what he had done he quickly got up, took the vial and syringe and hid them in his bedroom drawer. Then he closed the door behind him and went to the sink to do the dishes before Morgan got there.
A knocking on the door made Spencer slip back to reality, he dropped the mug he was just cleaning in the sink and went to open his front door.
„Spencer are you alright?” Morgan pulled him into a hug.
„I don’t know..I don’t want to be alone right now..” Spencer gave him a small smile.
„You want something to drink?” Spencer asked, trying to change the subject.
„Yeah what do you got?“ Morgan sat down on his couch.
„Beer or Juice?” It was odd that he even had alcohol at home, when he’d overcome his problem 6 months ago he was told that even alcohol could make him relapse.
But Spencer wasn’t a big drinker, never had been. So a few weeks ago he bought a few bottles of beer just because he liked the taste and even something not as strong as his old drug of choice made him relax a bit.
He handed Derek a bottle and then grabbed one for himself, Derek frowned.
“Since when are you drinking again?”
“A few weeks.. It’s just beer, you know.” Spencer took a sip from his bottle.
“Alright, as long as you don‘t over do it.” Derek was now even more worried.
„Morgan, I‘m going to meetings every two weeks, almost got half a year. I just couldn’t sleep because of the case. I‘m sorry, I don’t want you to worry about me.“
„Spencer, it‘s good that you called, I think neither of us should be alone tonight.“
And so they sat in Spencer‘s living room, even though they weren‘t talking Spencer was still feeling better knowing that he wasn‘t alone.