Chapter Text
Sirius lived for physical touch.
He relishes in the hugs his friends give him, the platonic cheek kisses, the way Regulus would find his wrist and hold it tight when they hear their mother screaming downstairs. For Sirius, nothing can be as intimate the little touches you exchange with the people you love.
Which is why Sirius felt like dying.
Sirius and Remus have been dating for a month now, and Sirius still finds it so hard to hold him or touch him or kiss him. He’d been afraid to do so ever since the incident that happened in 3rd year. It was the week of the full moon, so Remus was a little more restless than usual, and a lot more irritable too. The tiniest things set him off; Peter accidentally coughed when his mouth was full of biscuits and crumbs spluttered out of his mouth making Sirius and James laugh, but all Remus let out was a harsh criticism. He berated Peter for five minutes about how much of a slob he was and how Remus despised his habits to the point where Peter almost didn’t join them in waiting for Remus when the full moon finally came. It had been horrible, nobody has ever seen Remus so angry. But what really scared Sirius was what happened the same night in the common room.
The Marauders knew Remus wasn’t particularly comfortable with touch. He barely touched any of them during their first year, and the only time he allowed them to hug him was in second year, when they found out about his lycanthropy. They respected that, and they have never tried to do anything Remus would find uncomfortable because Remus meant so much to the Marauders, to Sirius, and his amenity is something he cherished more than others. So when James tripped and accidentally spilled his pumpkin juice all over Remus’ chest while they were relaxing by the fire, the first thing that came to Sirius’ mind was to wipe it away. He summoned a towel and immediately started wiping Remus’ shirt for him without much forethought. He just knew that pumpkin juice is one of the last things Remus would want on his chest, without realizing that his hands were on that list too.
It was only when Remus roughly shoved him back that he realize his mistake.
Remus was shaking, his eyes wide and twitching, his mouth opening and closing to form words with no sound. He was looking at Sirius with an expression he’d never used on him before, clutching his shirt that was still stained with the pumpkin juice.
“I told you-I could’ve-I didn’t need-” Remus rambled, staring at his three friends and around the now silent common room. “Why did you-how DARE you-my che-of all the places-”
No words came out of Sirius’ mouth as he stared at his best friend's breakdown. He stood on the same spot holding the damn towel as Remus continued to ramble. James was trying his best to calm him down, Peter too, but all Sirius did was stand there, horror struck by what he had done. He didn’t know why Remus’ chest was so sensitive, but that didn’t matter, all that mattered was he broke Remus’ trust.
“Remus I’m so so-”
“NO!” Remus shrieked at him, throwing his hard bound book straight to Sirius’ chest. “I don’t want to hear it! I don’t want you- I want you to-”
“Remus please I didn’t mean to! i forgo-”
“STAY AWAY FROM ME!” Remus shouted when Sirius tried to get close. The other two stopped talking too, all of them looking at their friend as he put a hand up to stop them from moving any closer. “Just- just please stay away from me.” His voice was broken, the words that left his lips carried such despair that the trio didn’t dare move until they heard their dorm room close behind him.
The four of them never mentioned the incident again, but it always lingered at the back of their minds--especially in Sirius’s.
It haunts him now, as he tries his best to respect Remus’ boundaries but also dying everyday when he doesn’t get to hug and kiss and simply hold his boyfriend. Everyday without any of those things makes him weaker and weaker. But he would rather die than make Remus feel pressured to do something he wasn’t comfortable in. Sirius would and shall endure this because just calling Remus his boyfriend was enough.
But fuck, why did he have to be the way he is? Why did he have to smell like chocolate and tea? Why didn't he have to wear the thickest sweaters that made him look so soft? Why did he have to have the habit of licking his lips every few seconds? Why is his laugh comparable to hearing angels sing? Why did he have to look at Sirius with so much love and happiness?
Remus was being very unfair for being so addicting yet so out of reach.
That same irresistible Remus was beside him now, reading some thick muggle book Sirius never bothered to learn. They were on the shore of the Black Lake, the sun at its highest. They decided to have a picnic for the weekend, just the two of them. This picnic, like all their other picnics, consisted of Sirius staring lovingly at the werewolf as he read whatever book he happened to be reading. Sirius was sitting cross-legged perpendicular to Remus, who stretched out his long legs in the picnic blanket they sat on. Remus was levitating his book so both his hands were supporting his body. The sun made him glow, his messy sandy hair looking golden in the sun, his eyes like emerald and his lips like shimmering diamonds. It was too hot to wear sweaters, so Remus had reluctantly worn a muscle t-shirt from Sirius. He had never been self conscious about his arms anyway, since they had very little scars for the werewolf preferred another region to mutilate. Sirius had never seen him look so sexy. His biceps were toned and his forearms bore protruding veins that Sirius could stare at for hours. From where he was sitting, Sirius could see the simple inverted triangle tattoo Remus got during the summer break, right at his shoulder. He remembered when Remus first showed him that tattoo and how hard it was for him to just jump his friend and kiss him, because fuck, it’s Remus with a tattoo. How could Remus think so low of himself when Sirius almost lost consciousness when he showed his stupid inverted triangle tattoo? Sirius would spend the rest of his sorry life making sure that Remus felt the same way Sirius felt when he looked at him. He’d make sure that--
“Babe!” Remus clapped his hand in front of Sirius’ face breaking his train of thought. “Are you okay?”
“Huh?” was all that came out of Sirius’ lips. Remus laughed at him fondly.
“You’ve been staring at me for an hour. I thought the real you had left and was replaced by a mannequin,” Remus said as he stood up and started stretching. Sirius could see his abs from the side and suddenly felt warmer. “Let’s go for a walk, my body’s so stiff from sitting.”
Remus was already walking away when Sirius stood up, so he had to jog a bit to keep up. They walked along the shore in silence, enjoying the company of each other, surrounding themselves with the overflowing love they had for each other. Sirius felt happy and content, this may not be what he imagined being with Remus would be, but not having to imagine being with Remus was better than all the dreams he had of the lycanthrope. It didn’t matter what he wanted, as long as he had Remus he would be fine.
Sirius felt something intertwine with his hand.
It was soft and smooth and warm, and it was definitely bigger than Sirius’ hand. It felt strangely right intertwined with his hand, like it was meant to be there all this time, it made Sirius feel as if this was the only thing he should be holding for the rest of eternity. Sirius looked down and saw Remus’ hand intertwined with his and felt his heart burst. He stopped walking and stared at Remus incredulously. Remus had walked on a bit before stopping to look at his boyfriend, feigning confusion.
“What?” Remus asked, cocking his head to the side with a slight smile. Sirius felt like he was about to cry and he did not want to cry over this.
“I- you- I can’t- My- Hold my-” Sirius spluttered, wildly gesturing at their intertwined hands. Remus laughed and walked closer to him and held his other hand too. Sirius let out a whimper.
“It’s not gonna be easy being with me,” Remus said looking down at his still shocked partner. Sirius’ head barely reached his lips, and this was something Sirius found fault in before he realized just how many forehead kisses he’s going to get. “I’m too emotionally unstable, I’m a flight risk, I’m a werewolf, I’m uncomfortable with intimacy...but I do know that I can work on all of those things if it means I can be with you, except maybe the werewolf thing.” They both laughed at that. “So just please be patient with me, I wanna give you everything you want, but I also want to give myself a chance to breathe.”
“Of course, Rem,” Sirius whispered, meeting his eyes. “I will spend the rest of my life with you anyway, so I will always have the time to wait. You’re the best thing that’s ever happened to me, and I would rather die than fuck this up.”
Remus gave him a peck on his forehead, and Sirius knew his statement bore no lies.