Work Text:
☀️☀️☀️
Haechan loved kisses.
It was a universal truth that had been experienced by everyone within the boy's vicinity.
Sometimes Chenle wished he could say the same.
☀️☀️☀️
The first time Chenle had met the odd entity that is Lee Donghyuck, he was still 15 and didn't understand anything the older boy had said to him. They met on the first day Chenle arrived at the studio where he would be practicing for basically the rest of his life. He was just trying to collect his nerves before entering when the commotion at the end of the hall started. There were a few boys running full speed towards his way and he tried to not get bulldozed by the rambunctious bunch. The boys were all laughing and pushing each other and yelling to each other in a language that Chenle's brain couldn't compute. Chenle was basically one with the wall both as a way to not get trampled, but also to not get noticed by them. He didn't know what he would do if they saw him and tried to strike a conversation. Unfortunately, life hates him. One of the boys actually skidded to a stop and took a double look at him, while the rest of them got inside the next room. Chenle let out a soft sigh when the boy walked his way with the brightest grin he had ever seen in his life.The boy was a couple of inches above him, with a handsome face, and sunkissed skin. Chenle would be fumbling if he was not feeling so starstrucked. No one told him they should look like a star from their trainee days.
The boy opened his mouth and spoke to him, and Chenle might not understand Korean, but he knew a good singer when he heard one speak. There was a soft nasal lilt in the boy's already high timbre and Chenle had wanted to know how high the boy could sing. He definitely didn't catch any word the boy said to him, and he truly didn't want to be rude, so he just smiled and bowed politely when it was his turn to respond. He bowed twice before bailing out of the hallways, tail in between his legs as he pushed the door behind him open and quickly shutting it close. Chenle winced at the loud slam it produced. He realized that he's basically cornered when he turned around and found himself in a room with another four people. Four people with the same surprised expression on their faces. Chenle heaved another sigh before bowing in their direction.
After a long stilted moment, one of the boys finally stood up and waved at him as he spoke. Chenle honestly just wanted to cry because how would he survive his training if he couldn't even communicate. His eyes wandered between the boys in a desperate plea for them to understand that he couldn't speak Korean—yet, he would definitely learn the language right after today, at least just to greet people and ask for help. Suddenly one of the boys made a surprised noise as his eyes widened slightly before he spoke at him. Chenle was stunned when the language actually got filtered into his brain in the words that he understood. And maybe the other boy could see how shocked he was or how desperate he was, but the surprised expression turned into something gentle, and he repeated his sentence.
"Hello! Are you perhaps the new trainee?"
"Oh my God! Yes! Yes, I am, thank you, I was so afraid I won't be able to communicate for the rest of the day." Chenle really wanted to cry now, especially when the boy's laugh tinkled around the studio. The boy said something to the other trainees and they all looked significantly less tense after that.
"Don't worry, you have me.'' The boy smiled at him brightly and for the first time today he could feel his face muscles loosen up, letting him smile back. "My name's Huang Renjun! Welcome to the company!"
Chenle grinned as he bowed once again, "I'm Chenle, Zhong Chenle." Just right at that moment the door was slammed open once again. Chenle felt his body jump as a response to the loud noise, and the previous star like boy entered the room like he owned it.
"Renjun-ah~" The boy had run and latched himself to Renjun at lightning speed. Renjun grimaced and tried to squirm away, but the other boy just tightened his arms and stamped a kiss on the back of Renjun's neck. Renjun ended up screaming and fighting harder to break free from the embrace. Some of the boys rolled their eyes at the display, some let out an exaggerated sigh, but Chenle could see the fondness shining in their eyes.
Chenle felt like he's witnessing something he's not a part of.
"Don't mind him." Renjun suddenly spoke to him, his hands were locked tight around the honey skin boy's neck. The other struggled to break away in vain. Renjun then said something to the other boys in Korean, Chenle could catch his name being mentioned. "Chenle, these are your new trainee friends, Lee Jeno, Na Jaemin, and Park Jisung! This boy right here," Renjun said as he pointed at each boy before landing his finger on the now snuggled boy on his tummy, "is Lee Donghyuck, or Haechan, whichever you prefer."
Chenle saw the way Donghyuck looked at him like he finally understood the way the world works, his eyes widened, something in his brain clicked, and finally his gaze softened.
"Hello," he said softly in Chinese. There was hesitation coloring his tone, but the meaning didn't get lost in translation. Chenle grinned at the thoughtful gesture and answered him back in earnest. And once again, he is graced by the too warm smile from the heart-shaped lips. Chenle thought it looked a lot like sunshine.
Maybe the trainee world wouldn't turn out too bad. Chenle had hopes with how his future career would turn out, it was nowhere near clear, but he would love to try his hardest with these people.
☀️☀️☀️
There were exactly three things that Chenle hates about Donghyuck.
One, Donghyuck always got sick. He was always so busy, and he loved being busy. He loved it so much that he tended to disregard his well being. And most of the time, Donghyuck hid in the Dream's dorm whenever he was sick instead of going home. Chenle hated it the most. He hated seeing his brightest hyung being brought down by a simple cold and fever, which would be normal for other people, but Donghyuck's immune system always took a hard fall, leaving him pale and shivering like a leaf under his blanket for days on end.
Two, Donghyuck never talked to him regarding his worries and concerns. It wasn't like they didn't communicate well as group members because anything regarding stages and performance matters, they always discussed it together to the finest point. They traded tips on how to sing their songs, to make them sound the best they could inside the recording studio. And bear in mind, it wasn't like Chenle is complaining because, honestly, Donghyuck could do whatever he wanted with his life, but Donghyuck always, always , only talked about his personal concerns to Mark, Renjun, Jeno, and Jaemin. Chenle hated the way he felt petty over this matter because if Donghyuck didn't want him to know about his life, then who was he to demand otherwise? It was just that Chenle loved to talk to Donghyuck about his life concerns because the mischievous boy always gave him the best advice surprisingly. Sometimes Chenle wished that he could give the same relief to Donghyuck, to let him know that this professional friendship/family thing was more than just a one sided seniority, because let's be real what could a year difference make in giving life advice?
Three, Donghyuck loved kisses.
Okay, to be fair, it wasn't like Chenle hated Donghyuck for it. Hate is a strong word. Everyone knew Donghyuck loved skinship and showing affection way before Chenle even joined the company. However, it didn't mean that he liked it. And he hated that he didn't like it because, for starters, Donghyuck had never attempted to steal kisses from him. Again, it was one of those habits that the younger members were not privy to. Chenle thought that Jisung felt the most grateful to be free from the threat of being kissed every morning. Maybe he should also feel grateful because if he was already feeling squirmish at the sight of Mark being chased down to their car for a simple kiss on the cheek, imagine what he would feel if he were in his hyung's shoes.
He knew he couldn't exactly do anything when his stomach suddenly felt heavy at the sight of Donghyuck latching onto Jaemin's figure, welcoming the happy boy back to their dorm after a year of going back and forth to the hospital. Jaemin's grin didn't waver even at the sloppy kiss Donghyuck was stamping into his cheek. Chenle sighed silently.
"Hyung, be careful, we just got him back," Chenle said and was immediately approved with a quick nod by Jeno. Donghyuck turned to him with his mighty pout on full display.
Oh, and isn't that just unfair. No one could resist Donghyuck's pout, not even Mark. Chenle just let out another sigh as Donghyuck's arms tightened around Jaemin. Yeah, he definitely should be grateful to not be subjected to that no matter how long Donghyuck didn't see him.
"You okay?" He jumped at the sudden voice intrusion that was too close to his neck for comfort, exhaling slowly when he noticed it was just Jisung. "You've sighed twice for the past five minutes." Jisung said as an afterthought.
Chenle nodded quickly, trying to quickly dispel the discomfort in his tummy, so that he didn't raise any suspicions. "Yeah, just tired."
Jisung squeezed his shoulder in comfort before standing up, "Go talk to Jaemin hyung, I'll order you a taxi to go home, okay?" Chenle couldn't stop his lips from blooming into a smile at that. He would be forever grateful to be friends with Jisung.
"Thanks, Ji."
"Always, Le, go get some rest."
And so Chenle talked to Jaemin for a while. The boy was an absolute joy despite the amount of hardship he had gone through. It felt nice. It felt like their team was finally complete once again, ready to face the industry in full force. By the time Chenle's taxi had arrived, the rest of the boys were already on the verge of sleeping right in the middle of the sleeping room. No one wanted to move to their respective room, as if in fear they would wake up to another empty room in their dorm. Chenle bid his goodbye softly before retrieving his keys and putting on his shoes in the foyer, trying to be as quiet as possible to not disturb their neighbors. It all failed in the face of Lee Donghyuck who suddenly decided to materialize out of thin air in front of him. Chenle dropped his keys in surprise as Donghyuck called him. There's a soft giggle coming from Donghyuck.
"What makes you so jumpy today?" Chenle could feel his cheek warming. He just shrugged nonchalantly before taking his keys off the floor. "You must be tired, huh. You're going home right? Let me walk with you, I need to go to the 127's dorm anyway." Donghyuck took his time to rub Chenle's head, making him whine childishly before pouting at his now messy hair.
They walked side by side in comfortable silence—Donghyuck wordlessly walked past the turn to 127's dorm and kept Chenle company to his awaiting taxi. Chenle contemplated whether he should tell Donghyuck about his baseless agitation in seeing the other being too touchy with the rest of the members. He was afraid that it would keep piling and one day the uneasiness in Chenle's stomach would explode. On the other hand, he's afraid that Donghyuck would misunderstand his intention and get upset—as he had that one time Mark tried to scold him for being too affectionate with everyone; worst experience of Chenle's life. He didn't want a repeat of that—didn't want Donghyuck's anger being directed towards him—because he didn't have a problem with Donghyuck being affectionate with the others, he just didn't want to feel agitated or uneasy every time Donghyuck did it.
By the time they reached the gate, no one had said anything. Chenle had also reached the conclusion that he didn't want to tell Donghyuck. He would try to deal with his feelings on his own, maybe he would ask his mother tonight for advice.
"Chenle." Donghyuck's voice was gentle—hesitant.
Chenle stopped himself from getting into the taxi and turned to face the other.
"You would talk to me right? If you have any problems?" There was a layer of concern veiling Donghyuck's expression. Chenle was surprised. He didn't think anyone besides Jisung had been aware of his turmoil, but of course Donghyuck realized. There was a bitter taste at the back of his throat—Chenle hates putting unnecessary worries into his hyung's mind, but at the same time he wished he could throw the question back at Donghyuck.
He couldn't. Donghyuck's life was for Donghyuck alone to control and manage. And so he forced himself to swallow the sharp comment at the tip of his tongue, putting a tired smile on his face for the other to see.
"Of course, Hyung." Chenle tried to relieve Donghyuck of his worries, but he couldn't help himself from adding an afterthought. "You know it's valid for you too, right? You can talk to me… regarding your problems that is. If you want." The hesitation in Chenle's voice was loud and clear, but he saw the way Donghyuck's expression shifted—his eyes were filled with surprise which was quickly veiled with a gentle understanding that washed all the underlying concern in his eyes.
In the next second, Chenle found his arms being filled with a certain sunshine, a tinkling sound of laughter was freed right beside his ear. He couldn't help but melt into the warm hug. His brain slowly notified him about the lack of uneasiness in his stomach at Donghyuck's skinship.
"For a second I thought you're the hyung between us two. Chenle has surely grown up to be a cool person, hasn't he?" Donghyuck's voice rose a key higher, taking its usual aegyo pitch that Chenle was familiar with.
Chenle could feel the frustration seeping back into his veins. There was no camera here.
Once he was released from, Donghyuck quickly took a step back before once again messing with Chenle's hair. A smile that didn't quite reach his eyes adorned his face. Chenle hated it. "Go home, get some rest, okay? I'll see you tomorrow!" Donghyuck grinned and Chenle let it go, slapping another grin on his face.
It wasn't like he would force Donghyuck to open up to him. His heart clenched uneasily.
"Good night, Hyung, see you tomorrow." He took his leave—address at the tip of his tongue, eyes on the road ahead of him—forcing himself to not think of the slight ache in his chest, to not look back at the boy he left on the threshold.
☀️☀️☀️
Unfortunately instead of disappearing, it got worse.
Chenle didn’t know what to do as the agitation in his stomach swallowed him more and more each and every day. It had come to the point where he was feeling downright upset whenever Donghyuck stole kisses from his group mates. He had thought that when Mark finally graduated, the chasing for kisses and hugs habit would die down because usually Mark is Donghyuck’s number one target. But it didn’t. Donghyuck just went around targeting more people in his vicinity—from trapping a sweaty Jaemin in the middle of practice just to pepper kisses on the back of his neck, sitting beside an unassuming Renjun and suddenly kissing the back of his hand, until actually planning to surprise Jeno with cheek kisses basically twice a day. Not even Jisung could escape his fate now because everyone was targeted—everyone else besides Chenle.
And Chenle was not bitter.
Okay, maybe he was. Felix did say he probably was a lot bitter and that maybe he should sit down and talk about his feelings with Donghyuck or someone else that could give him better advice on feelings. Chenle thought that it was bullshit, right? There was no way he was harboring any feelings towards Donghyuck, and if he actually was, how could he ever talk about it with the other members? They would tease him to the moon and back.
But now that he was actually witnessing the happenings in front of him, he was thinking whether talking to someone would actually make the brewing heat at the pit of his stomach disappear. Maybe he could talk to Kun, there was no way Kun would tease him more than necessary, especially if Chenle was actually upset. And he was— upset, for the lack of better terms. They were all hours away from Seoul in a country so hot that the air conditioner almost didn’t make a difference. He was tired after their performance, but he couldn’t sleep yet because the 00 lines were still continuing the vlive, which he and Jisung were just banned from because they weren’t old enough to have a broadcast after 10 p.m. And they had to basically share a bed for the night, so Chenle and Jisung were just waiting behind the camera, watching the other boys singing and playing around dumbly in front of a camera.
And then it happened.
Donghyuck actually kissed Jeno on the lips accidentally—well, or Jeno kissed Donghyuck, which honestly didn’t make Chenle feel better at all. There was surprise painted on both Donghyuck and Jeno’s faces, Renjun halted his speech, creating an awkward silence for two seconds before laughing it off, Jaemin kept talking about whatever he was talking about, and Jisung looked like he was on the verge of a mental breakdown, eyes shifting nervously from his phone screen to the manager’s face, which looked as exasperated as he could be, and back to his phone screen.
Chenle could feel the ugly feelings clamping their teeth back onto his guts, slowly filling him with something familiar. He recognized it as resentment—something he hadn’t felt since his third comeback in the industry. Chenle liked to think that he had grown to be a more mature person, but the bitter taste at the back of his throat made him think twice because right at this moment there was nothing else he would want to do besides walking away from the crowded hotel room and never coming back. Alas, he couldn’t just slam the hotel door to his heart's desire despite the broadcast being there or not, so he chose for the second best option, silently hiding inside the bathroom until the live ended—until he could get a hold of his own mess of emotions.
The problem with resentment was that it never really went away. It stayed at the back of people’s mind, quietly waiting to pounce whenever it was given a reason to. And the one at the back of Chenle’s mind was given a lot of reasons to slowly consume the boy from the inside—because it just worsened from that moment onwards.
The frustration of having to watch Donghyuck stealing kisses from everyone being more and more frequently broadcasted for the whole world to see filled Chenle’s insides like a hot air balloon—steadily growing, hot and aching. From the kiss that Jeno planted on Donghyuck’s cheek in front of thousands of people in Japan to their second accidental kiss on the lips in front of another thousands right in the middle of their concert. The prank kiss cam that Donghyuck did to everyone in 127 also didn’t help in the slightest, and Chenle found himself gradually retreating inside his walls whenever the group was together. Whatever that was growing inside him was ugly, and he would hate if he were to accidentally act on his feelings one day.
He should have talked to someone about it—maybe by now he would have figured out what to do whenever the feelings came back, and yet he hid behind his walls and let the ugly feeling manifest.
“Zhong Chenle!” He turned his head in surprise to Renjun’s direction because the other rarely called him with his full name nor did he ever call him with a raised voice. Renjun visibly sighed in relief when Chenle finally responded to him. “You okay?”
Chenle raised his eyebrow at Renjun’s usage of Chinese language, “Yeah?”
“You’ve been oddly quiet,” he pointed out.
“It’s nothing, Ge—”
“You’ve also been glowering at Jeno for a disturbing amount of time. Don’t lie to me.” Chenle could feel his frustration climbing back up at the way Renjun was addressing him. He was 19, he didn’t need Renjun to babysit him nor did he need to answer Renjun’s every question truthfully.
“I said I’m okay. Fuck off.” The sharp tone didn’t go unnoticed by the people in the room, despite there being only one person who understood Chinese. Chenle felt the immediate guilt that filled him at Renjun’s pinched eyebrows. He didn’t even look angry at the fact that Chenle just cursed at him, and Chenle hated it because he should be upset, not worried. Chenle’s eyes took a quick sweep at the living room and everyone was now attuned to their conversation instead of playing with each other. Great , he just ruined the group’s rare game night. His feet moved on their own as he stood up and moved—desperate to be away from all the worried gaze directed towards him.
“I’m sorry,” he said genuinely at Renjun before switching to Korean and announcing his leave for the night. He quickly retrieved all of his belongings, hastily closed the front door, and power walked to the elevator like he was being chased. And maybe he was indeed because when he was finally free in the apartment’s lobby, waiting for the taxi he ordered just a few seconds ago, the elevator dinged again and his name was being shouted before the metal doors even opened thoroughly.
Lee Donghyuck.
“Hyung, not now please,” Chenle warned the other as Donghyuck skidded to a stop in front of him. His expression was unreadable—Chenle had always disliked his talent to make his face look blank whenever he wanted because Chenle always ended up acting overly cautious around Donghyuck. It felt wrong. “I know I ruined game night, I’m sorry. I promised I’ll make up for this tomorrow on the set.”
Donghyuck didn’t come up with a response for a long time, his eyes kept being trained on Chenle and it really felt like he was being stripped to his core. Donghyuck finally heaved a heavy sigh before letting his eyes turn gentle and forgiving. Chenle felt like he didn’t deserve it.
“Okay,” he said and then repeated it once again, as if to convince himself that he should let this go for now. “Okay, but next time you come to me if you really have problems.”
“Hyung—” Chenle almost whined before being cut by a glare.
“No, this one is non-negotiable. You’re being troubled by something and it’s taking you away from us.” The sobriety which accompanied Donghyuck’s tone showed how serious he was being and Chenle was not going to cross that. The group’s dynamic would always be a number one priority—
Chenle felt the sudden pain on his forehead and actually whined in pain. Donghyuck had flicked his forehead out of nowhere.
“Stop getting lost inside your pretty mind. We’re worried about you, even Jisung had come to me just to ask about you. Get some rest tonight Lele, there’s your taxi.” The smile that Donghyuck sent his way felt gentle and warm, encasing his heart in a way that soothes growing dull ache, like a balm to your bruises. And Chenle can’t help at the way the corner of his lips rise up to form a small genuine smile.
“Thank you, Hyung, sorry again for game night.” Even Chenle could hear the pout in his own voice. Although, the giggle that he drew out from the boy in front of him made everything feel worthy.
“Don’t worry about it.” Once again there was hesitation that lingered in the space between them before Donghyuck leaned forward and erased all the distance between the two bodies. The hug was tight, as if it tried to convey something that Chenle couldn’t perceive. And it was gone as quick as it came. The warmth lingered—even when Chenle was wrapped in the cold air of the night outside of the building, the warmth still lingered.
☀️☀️☀️
Chenle had been distant—more than before Haechan talked to him.
And he knew it’s currently affecting the other members as well. Chenle knew the rest of the members were being hesitant in approaching him. Jisung was not hiding his worry well, and there were already too many times he found Renjun looking contemplative while staring at Chenle before shaking his head and going back to what he was doing. He could see the way Jeno tried to include him in the things that he was doing, from practice to playing games at midnight. Jaemin was not hiding his worries any better by trying to put more food on his plate everytime he was cooking. But they were giving him space, and Chenle appreciated that the most despite the guilt that kept brewing in his stomach.
It started when they were in the middle of shooting contents for their latest comeback. They were all just playing around with the games that were provided by the staff. Chenle was supporting Jaemin's weight at the top of his body and Donghyuck was kneeling beside his head, trying to distract them from the game. As usual, Donghyuck pulled out his big gun by trying to kiss Jaemin to make him flinch, and at that point Chenle was having too much fun to care enough about the kiss. It wasn't like he didn't see Hyuck trying to kiss Jaemin on a weekly basis and succeeding—he's basically desensitized enough by this point. What he didn't count to happen was Jaemin intentionally leaning forward to kiss Donghyuck, right at the center of his lips.
And Chenle could feel his throat constricting at the sight because it finally hit him. It finally hit him how all of Donghyuck's affection shenanigans were truly affecting him and he was scared by the sheer depth that his feelings were falling into. He didn't know when looking up to Donghyuck had turned into a repressed crush towards Donghyuck that manifested into jealousy and wanting the sunshine's affection directed at him. Not all of it, of course— no, he wasn't that greedy—but the envy didn't subside. Seeing the other members being able to steal Donghyuck's kisses on top of the usual kisses that were already given to them, while Chenle had to be happy with the bare minimum hugs that he was given on the rare occasion made him feel things that he wasn't familiar with nor knew how to handle.
Chenle had wanted nothing but to stand up and leave, but they were in the middle of shooting and they were here for hours already, and he can't just abandon his professional facade. It wasn't right, so he reigned in the green monster at the back of his heart and pulled through with the shooting, pulling the brightest grin and loudest laugh he could whenever they were needed. He tried to remind himself that his feelings couldn't get in the way of his job, that this was not fair to the other members.
He managed to do it—managed to push that moment to the back of his head in order to focus on his comeback. Enjoying his comeback had always been his number one priority. He didn’t want to encounter more regrets than joy in his line of work—after all, the industry was already destructive enough without his own negative feelings thrown into the mix. Fast forward to a few weeks after, and all of his effort to forget his feelings towards Donghyuck crumbled into dust. He finally got himself enough time to enjoy the contents that they had released in promotional weeks. Maybe he shouldn’t do that. If he could turn back time, he would definitely tell himself to not watch their own content. However, that was already done, and his brain had finally caught up with the intense ugly feelings he had been feeling for the past few months.
The kiss made it into the video. He had high hopes that the editing staff wouldn’t let the kiss be broadcasted for the entire world to see, and yet here he was staring at the obscure way Jaemin was leaning towards Donghyuck for a kiss and Donghyuck reaffirming that the said kiss had actually happened. Chenle hated the way it broke his heart. Fanservice had always been a big part of their occupation, and Chenle understood why it was needed in the life of an idol, but never once he thought it would be the cause of his first heartbreak. Maybe this was stupid and childish, maybe Chenle’s reaction was overly dramatic and easily aggravated by how attuned he was to his own emotions, still he couldn’t help thinking that, even if it were all just fanservice, was he not good enough for it?
Chenle knew it was stupid.
Supply came from a high demand, that was basic Economy101. If Donghyuck had never done any PDA with him in front of the cameras, then that meant there was no demand for them.
But how could they know if no one ever tried to initiate? He couldn’t help but think—again and again—that maybe it was just Donghyuck that deemed him not worthy enough of attention, even just for the audience.
He overthinked and it wasn’t fair for anyone, especially Donghyuck because Chenle was basically accusing him unintentionally, but he also couldn’t shake away the heavy weight in his heart just like that. He wanted nothing but to be able to settle this down once and for all. He wanted nothing but to see Donghyuck and talk to him regarding his bad feelings—just to get some answers and maybe some relief—but Donghyuck wasn’t here for him like he said he would, and that somehow felt worse than his own negative thoughts.
He didn’t know how long he had been staring at his bedroom’s dark ceiling, mulling over his own predicament, when his phone lit up and his ringtone blared noisily in the silent room.
Calling…
Donghyuck🐻☀️
Chenle picked it up after the third ring and the line was silent. It was silent for a long time. Chenle hated it.
“Hello?” He finally said just to break the deafening silence.
“Chenle.” Donghyuck’s voice was somber. He sounded tired, but the seriousness was heavy. He should have been sleeping after his 127 schedule. Chenle heard they had been shooting their latest comeback MV since 4 a.m. today.
"You should have been sleeping, Hyung. Whatever this is can wait." Chenle said what had been in his mind because honestly he was tired of bottling it in.
"Until when?" Donghyuck's tone was sharp. "Chenle, you can't keep doing this."
Chenle could feel his anger rising, "Until you didn't sound like you could drop dead in the next minute, Hyung! Your health is your priority— should be your priority."
"What about you?" The other shoots back, always sharp, always selflessly protective.
"What about me?" He could hear his voice rising in the dead quiet of the night and tried to collect himself. He didn't want to wake up the entire house.
"Chenle, you haven't visited the dorm for three days!" And Chenle didn't know how Donghyuck knew that. Maybe Jisung told him again, maybe it's Renjun this time. "The boys are worried about you. I am worried about you!"
Chenle exhaled exasperatedly at that, "I'm fine! I'm just trying to sort my feelings out! Getting out of the source of my problem helps my mind to think better." He once again tried to take some deep breaths before continuing in a smaller voice. "I'll get back to you guys as soon as I could, bright as ever, okay? For now just… let me deal with this—"
"But that's exactly what I don't want you to do! Chenle it has been what? Four years since we've known each other, and I still have to beg you to tell me what has been bothering you! I don't want you to deal with it alone! I want to be there for you when you're troubled because that's what friends do!"
Right. That's what friends do. That's what Donghyuck should do as an older member of the group—help the younglings. He should take care of the younger members and console them when they're having problems. And Chenle knew that Donghyuck was genuine with his words. Donghyuck truly cared about his friends—about him—and that was what made this even more painful.
Chenle knew a lost battle when he saw one.
"Okay." He sighed tiredly. "Okay. Go get some rest, Hyung, I'll talk about this once you're free from your schedule."
There was a relieved sigh from the other end of the line that just broke Chenle's heart even more. He had piled another burden onto his hyung's shoulders when he shouldn't.
"Okay." The line went quiet once again before Donghyuck spoke once again—the hesitation was loud and clear. "Promise?"
Well, at least that made Chenle smile. "Promise, Hyung. Go get some rest. Good luck for your next comeback."
"Thank you, Lele. Love you~" It was playful, tilted high and cute. Chenle let himself chuckle, a little bit sad, but it was a chuckle nonetheless.
"Love you too, Hyung." The line went dead and Chenle let himself feel the emptiness in his stomach.
☀️☀️☀️
The first thing that Donghyuck did after finishing his latest comeback was to relocate into the Dream dorm for the next week.
It was a tradition at this point. Donghyuck said being around them was like recharging his energy and Chenle never had any problems with it until now because this meant he really should talk to Donghyuck in the span of a week. Chenle had tried to go back to his routine with the other members a few days after his call with Donghyuck. The boys had questioned him, but he said he should talk about it with the person he had been having his problems with and they all accepted it with no second question. He also apologized for making them worry for so long because it wasn't fair and they deserve a sincere apology. Renjun had whacked him in the head, saying it was a payback for cursing at him that one day—it wasn't a payback, it was just Renjun's outlet to say that he had been worried and frustrated about Chenle for so long, but he didn't want to say it directly. Jisung had hogged him for an entire day and, honestly, Chenle felt great being in between his members slash family after being in the low alone for weeks.
That was until Donghyuck had grandiosely announced that he was home one night, bringing in a small bag and occupied the usually empty room in the dorm. It was stored for Donghyuck and Chenle when they were staying in the dorm for comeback season.
So basically they would be trapped in one room every night for the next week, unless Chenle went home like he did everyday. He knew Donghyuck had been expecting him to stay though, and Chenle had a promise to keep, and so he stayed the night.
Chenle had chickened out on the first night.
He stayed in Jisung’s room, playing games until he was pushed out by Renjun at three am and told to sleep. He looked at Donghyuck who was waiting for him to come back, while being on his phone all night. Chenle could see the fatigue behind his lazy smile and droopy lids, and he knew he had an out today.
“Get some rest, Hyung, we have the entire week to talk." Chenle had said softly. And Donghyuck had smiled at him so gently, understanding swam on the corner of his eyes, before nodding and promptly fell asleep in the next minute. Chenle was frozen on his spot for a few moments because he had never felt his heart trip like that—he decided that it was a good kind of pain. Chenle would be happy to be able to feel it again, he thought as he studied Donghyuck's sharp angular face in the soft yellow glow of their bedside lamp. Chenle longed to see those cheeks once again filled up until it's soft and squishy to pinch.
Donghyuck didn't wait for Chenle on the second night. He had gone out with the 127 members and didn't come back until 4 in the morning. Chenle wasn't sure why Donghyuck didn't just go to the 127 dorm and go back here later in the morning. It wasn't like they're going anywhere. However, Chenle woke up to the birds chirping while Donghyuck was still sleeping like a baby and smelling like alcohol, so he decided to wake Jaemin up and cook some breakfast for the members. Renjun came to help and Jaemin decided that he wanted to go festive with the food, as if they were celebrating something important—maybe it was for Donghyuck’s successful comeback, maybe it was for Chenle’s return to their life. Chenle certainly didn’t complain and Donghyuck ate the reheated breakfast hours later with a happy face.
It all came head to head on the third night.
Donghyuck had seemed pretty energetic throughout the day and they had all spent time playing together—an unplanned game night that left Chenle as happy and bubbly as he physically could. The day had felt unburdened, and so he thought that it would be best to talk about his problems tonight. This way, if it went wrong, they could have a few more days before Donghyuck got busy again to fix things. And if it went well— well, Chenle hoped it would, he didn’t even know what would be considered as a successful outcome.
Not ruining his friendship, definitely.
So here he was on Donghyuck's bed at the bottom of the bunk, waiting patiently for Donghyuck to finish his gaming session with Jeno. He had wanted to prepare what he needed to address with Donghyuck, probably trying to make it more coherent than just a word vomit for the other to understand, but two points into his phone note and he gave up because, honestly, his messy feelings only had one point—he had a crush on Donghyuck and got jealous with everyone. That was it, the start of this whole mess.
The sound of the door opening cut his train of thoughts. He looked at Donghyuck who silently slipped inside their room and smiled.
"You've been waiting? You should have texted me." Donghyuck said with a small smile before eagerly plopping into a sitting position in front of Chenle.
He just shook his head and shrugged, "It's okay, you waited for me the first night."
"Okay," Donghyuck agreed softly. Chenle didn't know where to start, so he gave Donghyuck the chance to lead the conversation. "I see you've made your peace with the others."
Chenle averted his gaze at that, "Not really. Well, I apologized, but I haven't told them about my problems."
"Why?" Donghyuck looked at him with confusion painted all over his face. He tilted his head a little bit when he was confused and it took Chenle's everything to not coo. His hyung was too cute for his own good.
"Well, I told them because I wanted to talk about it with you first." Donghyuck's eyes didn't stray away from Chenle's gaze, and Chenle let him. He let Donghyuck see—truly see him in a way that Chenle never let other people do besides Jisung. “Because I wanted to talk to the one I have been having problems with. Because you deserve to hear this from me first.”
And Donghyuck’s eyes widened as his body flinched slightly back in surprise. There was a silence that blanketed them in a weird ambience. Donghyuck was thinking and Chenle wanted to both bolt out of the room and to also sit there and see Donghyuck. After a few moments, Donghyuck finally collected his expression and went back to that awful blank expression. Chenle had learnt that the expression was a facade, a defense mechanism to not let himself feel until he was certain on how to feel. Mark told him a few months back when he asked.
“Okay,” Donghyuck said calmly, “I couldn’t remember what I might have done to upset you for literal months , so you have to tell me in order for me to know what I did wrong and apologize.”
Chenle sighed heavily, “No, you didn’t do anything wrong,” he paused before sighing again. “You know what, this is just stupid, can we not talk about this?
Donghyuck didn’t budge at the question. His face was still carefully blank although there was a sign of distress at the corners of his mouth which were slightly turned down. “Okay, then tell me what I didn’t do.”
Bullseye.
That got Chenle’s tongue tied.
“I’m right, aren’t I? It’s something that I didn’t do. Lele, come on, you’ve gotta tell me so that I can make it up to you. I’ve made you upset for months! That’s unacceptable!”
It was silent for a long time before Chenle said softly, almost too soft to be heard if they weren’t sitting face to face with only a few inches of space between them. “Years. I was upset for years, but it’s not your fault. It’s not your fault that I like you.”
That just made the another round of unbearable silence. Maybe talking to Donghyuck was really a disaster decision. Chenle couldn’t bear to keep looking at Donghyuck.
It was Donghyuck who broke the crushing atmosphere around them, “...You like me?” There was doubt and hesitation piling up on Donghyuck’s tone.
“Yeah, to be fair, I only accepted in while we were in Ridin’s promotion. I’m sorry.” Chenle could feel his heart clenching painfully, but he had prepared himself for this. This wasn’t the worst thing in the world and, at least, he was glad he could tell Donghyuck about it.
“Wait, no, don’t be sorry! Why would you be sorry? Okay, so you like me, that’s okay, that’s great actually! But that still doesn’t answer my question, what did I not do to make you upset for years?” Chenle looked at Donghyuck in surprise and he kept looking when Donghyuck’s face stayed in his waiting expression. There was a tinge of excitement in his eyes and Chenle was so, so confused right now.
What did he mean with it’s great that Chenle liked him?
Was he being rejected?
Accepted?
What?
“Uh,” Chenle wasn’t sure on how to proceed, “well, you know that you like being touchy with people, right?”
Donghyuck scoffed at that. “Is Lele jealous?” He asked in his usual playful tone.
Chenle just shrugged, “Well basically, yeah.”
Donghyuck stopped short at that and truly looked at Chenle. “You’re jealous of the other members— for years? Lele, why didn’t you tell anyone?”
“Again, I only accepted that I like you like a few weeks ago, also I couldn’t just go up to Jeno hyung and said ‘hey hyung, I’m jealous of you and the rest of the members because Donghyuck hyung kept trying to kiss all of you besides me!’ —like that’s definitely not a good opening sentence, Hyung.”
Donghyuck laughed loudly at that. Chenle thought he looked pretty like that.
Maybe he should have talked to Donghyuck earlier. Donghyuck always made everything easier than it should be, especially for him.
“Yeah, okay, you definitely shouldn’t say it like that. Jeno would have a heart attack.” Donghyuck’s eyes were full of mirth before it turned gentle for the nth times in the past hour. “But you shouldn’t keep it all to yourself as well, Lele, that’s a lot of negative feelings to be bottled.”
Chenle felt the guilt washing over him again at that. “I know, I’m sorry. It was just me being stupid and jealous of you going around to steal kisses from all of the other members but me. But then it grew into something ugly because suddenly your kisses were being broadcasted and became a fanservice point. And something inside me just snapped and I started thinking that maybe it was a me problem—that there’s something about me that just drove you away even for the cameras and brownie fanservice points. Maybe you just don’t like me or maybe I’m just not enough to be showered with your affection or something. I’m sorry, I know you’re not like that and this probably sounds stupid because it is, but yeah that was what happened. I started being distant because I don’t want to feel bad anymore and I keep feeling bad everytime I look at the other members. It’s not their fault or your fault—God, I don’t even know anymore, I’m sorry.”
It broke. The dam had been broken and there was nothing else to do but to embrace for impact.
“Chenle, look at me.” Donghyuck’s voice was gentle, unjudging, inviting. Chenle took the leap and looked up. For one second he saw Donghyuck’s watery eyes and in the next second he felt himself being kissed by the boy to whom he had just poured his heart out.
The kiss was short—soft but the feeling lingered. There was a phantom pair of lips that still made Chenle’s lips tingle even after Donghyuck leaned backward, eyes cautious and searching.
“Hyung,” the sound that Chenle let out was almost similar to a sob. He could feel his throat closing in. “This is not funny, don’t joke around like that.” His voice trembled, too soft it was almost unheard.
“This is not a joke. You’re enough, Lele, you’re always more than enough for all the things that you want in this world. You deserve everything that is good, and I’m sorry that I ever made you doubt that—that I ever made you feel otherwise.” Donghyuck looked so serious, never had he seen this same amount of sobriety inside those gentle eyes. Donghyuck was a paradox, Chenle realized because right now he wasn't sure if he was being suffocated by the weight of Donghyuck's gaze or if he was being pulled inside only to be trapped forever. To be frank, Chenle didn't really care which one was the better option. If it's Donghyuck who asked, then he would follow.
"Maybe—" his voice broke, so he cleared his throat and tried once again. "Maybe we should go to sleep, it's late, Hyung." Chenle hated how weak his voice was being.
There was a sudden grip in his wrist that stopped him from moving away.
"Don't shut me out again. Chenle, don't run away from this, please. " There was a certain vulnerability in Donghyuck's face that stopped Chenle in his track, that begged him to watch and see and listen.
"Hyung—"
"What did you feel? When I kissed you, what did you feel?"
"Nothing. Everything. I don't know!" Chenle hesitated before adding, "At first my mind went blank, and then there's you. There's also everything else, but there's you. Everything doesn't matter when my senses only recognize you." He said truthfully.
"Chenle, I—" Donghyuck paused before taking a deep breath and continuing. "I'm going to be honest because you deserve as much. I don't like you like the way you like me right now. Mostly because I never thought that I was allowed to like you romantically. I never thought that I was allowed to think of you as more than my dongsaeng." Donghyuck said seriously, as if trying to make his point across, and Chenle nodded because he understood where Donghyuck was coming from.
The grip in his wrist moved down and suddenly his hands were being held loosely by two gentle hands. It reminded him that Donghyuck had always given him an out, never once he was forced into doing things he genuinely didn't want to.
"But now you've opened this door inside my mind, and that is going to change a lot of things. What I'm saying is that if you want to try this, if you're willing to wait for me, I think it's not going to be long until I catch up with your feelings, Lele. I've told you, haven't I? You've grown up to be a very cool person indeed."
Chenle felt like he was treading water, like he was walking on eggshells trying to answer Donghyuck's statement. It was scary—waiting for someone without a clear admission whether they would eventually come was scary. Chenle wasn't one to wear his heart on his sleeves.
"What if the day didn't come? What if I waited and you never arrived?”
“I would.” Donghyuck said with certainty. Chenle tried to find any doubts in his eyes, but there’s none.
“How would you know?”
“Because I stole a kiss from you a few minutes ago and my heart is still stuttering," Donghyuck grinned at him.
There was something that bloomed inside him and he couldn't keep his own smile from blooming. "You're ridiculous."
Donghyuck shrugged, "Maybe, but I'm also being serious. You're not hard to love, Chenle, and I want to work on this, if you'd let me—if you're willing to wait for me."
"And if I'm not?"
"Then no hard feelings. And you'll move on from me eventually and get yourself a better person to crush on." Donghyuck said easily—easy, simple, safe. Chenle had the keys to all the exit doors to escape, and yet he didn't feel like escaping. Maybe he was being stupid, but he just felt he had to try. Loving Donghyuck was not something he wanted to pass over. The multitude of feelings that had washed over him for the past hour were something that he wanted to feel again and again—preferably with Donghyuck by his side.
“God, Mark hyung was totally missing out on you.” Chenle chuckled at how flustered Donghyuck was making him feel and how fast his heart was beating at Donghyuck’s certain gaze.
Donghyuck laughed, loud and unabashed— radiant. “I know right, truly wasted two years of my life crushing on him.”
“Okay, Hyung. I’ll be waiting.” Chenle gave his affirmation before his lips were once again trapped inside a searing kiss.
“So, as the first step to this relationship, do you wanna sleep here and let me cuddle you all night?” Donghyuck said right after leaning away from Chenle’s kiss, accompanied with a failed wink because honestly Donghyuck couldn’t wink for shit.
And Chenle laughed at how easy Donghyuck was making everything seem to be.
And maybe if Chenle tried to listen harder, maybe he would hear the way Donghyuck’s heart stuttered at the bright smile that he was exuding.
And if Donghyuck felt warm, and content, and so very happy that night, he’d like to think it was because he was embracing his own personal minisun.