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Yuta could feel his eyes burning before he even opened them. At this point he wasn’t sure if it was because of lack of sleep or his tears.
Before he could even fully wake up his heart already ached, burning in his chest as it got filled up with pain yet again. The agony of his heart slowly spread through his body, making all his limbs feel heavy.
He dragged his hand across the bed as he started stretching his aching body, only to find a phone lying next to his pillow. He picked it up slowly and finally opened his eyes to look at the small device in his hand.
He didn’t have to check the time, he already knew he still had hours before his lectures began. What he focused on was the battery percentage.
18%
He remembered charging it to full battery before he went to bed, just how long did that call last? How did he manage to last this long without breaking?
He could only sigh, he did it again. He could already see the disappointment in Johnny’s eyes. He quickly threw the phone back on the bed, making a mental note to charge it before leaving the dorm.
He was now sitting on his bed, trying to brace himself for yet another tiring day. His hands slowly traveled through his tangled hair, tugging on the knots before moving them lower. He pressed the palms of his hands to his eyes, trying to block any sort of light from invading his vision. He just woke up but he was already so tired.
With another sigh Yuta slowly got up from his bed and left his bedroom. As soon as he stepped through the doors he heard noises coming from the kitchen and it made his heart tug.
He already knew what was coming.
His steps faltered for a split second but he knew that there was no way to avoid the confrontation and what came with it so he continued his short walk through the small apartment.
As soon as he entered the kitchen he saw his friend - or rather the back of his friend. Johnny was standing before the counter, swinging his head to the unknown melody that he hummed quietly as he waited for the water in kettle to boil, his attitide already too bright for Yuta’s liking, especially this early in the morning.
‘Hi’ Yuta threw his way quickly before walking past him to the fridge, quickly burying his head in the almost empty shelves. He knew he was only pushing it back but it didn’t stop him.
‘Good morning! Taeil-hyung messaged me yesterday.’ Johnny replied without even sparing a glance. His voice was slightly muffled by the noise coming from the kettle.
Yuta only hummed in response, too busy analyzing the expiration dates on multiple milk cartons that they bought some time ago on a sale. In the corner of his eyes he saw Johnny moving around the small kitchen trying to grab everything he needed to finish making his coffee.
‘Well he said that Doyoung said something about Jaehyun planning on going to a party this weekend.’ Johnny continued not at all bothered by the lack of response from his friend.
‘So now we’re all going to the party this weekend, could you pass me the milk? So I just wanted to let you know early on that you have plans for the weekend.’
And his time run out.
With yet another small sigh he reached for the one milk carton that was already opened and took it out of the fridge, closing it quickly. He slowly turned around to face Johnny who was still leaning over the counter.
‘Probably won’t be anything too fancy, just another house party at one of his classmate’s house. Hopefully this time we will stay longer, we just need to keep an eye on-’ his voice suddenly cut off which made Yuta flinch lightly.
He couldn’t bring himself to look up at him, he already knew what he would see.
‘He called you again?’ Johnny asked. They both knew the answer already. There was no way for him to hide it, he didn’t have to look in the mirror to see his eyes, probably looking raw and red, framed like an art piece by a frame of dark circles. When he didn’t receive a response he walked closer to Yuta, towering over his hunched frame.
‘You told me you blocked his number.’ he grumbled under his breath before snatching the carton from Yuta’s hands.
‘I did, but I unblocked it. What if there was an emergency?’
‘And was it an emergency?’ Johnny replied quickly, now not even looking in Yuta’s direction. His harsh tone pierced through Yuta’s body but he knew it wasn’t intended to hurt him.
The white haired male looked down at his hands as he remembered the call. It was like every other call from him - filled with emotions and left him even more broken. Each call made him feel less and less like himself and more like a shell of someone he once used to be.
‘No…’ he whispered under his breath.
It was never an emergency, but he always picked up.
Yuta wasn’t sure why he decided to go to the library, frankly that was the last place he would usually go to. He hated the silence and stress that could be felt in the air, it always felt suffocating for him.
Yet there he was, sitting by the empty table with his bag lazily thrown by his foot, with his phone in his hand. He has been turning it around in his hand, unlocking and locking back up for almost half an hour now. He knew what he should do but for some reason he couldn’t.
Just as he unlocked the phone yet again, the screen lighting up and a familiar name and picture that showed up making his breath stutter, a bag was placed on the table next to his hands. He jumped in surprise, his gaze finally leaving the screen of his phone.
‘I think it’s my first time seeing you in the library hyung.’ the brightness of the voice matched well the sparkles visible in his friend’s eyes.
‘Hi Mark.’ Yuta said with a small smile slowly blooming on his face.
Mark was always able to make Yuta feel better, whether it was with his words that often made absolutely no sense, or just with his positive attitude. Whatever the reason was the older man was always happy to have Mark by his side.
‘Are you here to study? Johnny-hyung said that you don’t have any exams coming up.’ Mark said as he slowly started pulling out books from his bag and laying them down on the table.
‘No I-’ he started but quickly realized that he didn’t know the answer. He didn’t know why he came to the library, he surely wasn’t planning on studying there. Instead of answering, his eyes went back down to his phone, the face on the photo was still looking back at him with a big smile.
Mark looked down, following his friend’s gaze, and as soon as he saw what Yuta was looking at the smile faltered on his face, the happy sparkles in his eyes now replaced by sadness and pity.
‘Why are you doing this to yourself hyung?’ he asked quietly, his hand squeezing Yuta’s shoulder.
‘It’s hard to let it go.’ he replied, not daring to look up. He was tired of the pitiful looks he was getting.
Mark only sighed as he finally sat down on the chair next to Yuta, his hand slowly came closer to Yuta’s. He grabbed the phone and gently pulled it out of his friend’s hands.
Yuta could only watch as Mark’s fingers moved across the screen. He wanted to protest when his friend pushed the red ‘block’ button, but he didn’t, he didn’t want to argue anymore. Maybe he should finally follow others’ instructions.
‘Don’t you think he did enough damage?’ Mark asked after a few moments of silence passed. He returned Yuta’s phone to him. Yuta went back to turning it in his hands.
He didn’t reply, not being able to find the right words to say. Instead he only looked at Mark, the smile slowly returning to his face. He grabbed his friend by the arm and brought him closer to him, resting his head on his shoulder.
They stayed like that for a few minutes, sitting in silence that didn’t bother them at all. Both of them had storms of thoughts raging in their minds but they didn’t speak up about it.
‘So are you planning on studying?’ Mark finally asked, breaking the silence between the two.
Yuta only chuckled before pulling the boy even closer, burrowing his head in his neck.
‘You wish.’ he replied with a small smirk making Mark chuckle at him.
And just like that the conversation was left behind and the two went to their usual bickering.
But for some reason Yuta couldn’t help his heart from hurting.
The week went by quicker than Yuta expected it to. It seemed like yesterday when he met up with Mark in the library. He was sure that somewhere in those days he got caught in his thoughts again.
Maybe the problem was he always tried to isolate himself whenever the heavy feeling returned to his heart. He probably shouldn’t be alone when he felt like this because he knew very well that it would only lead to another mistake.
And that was exactly what happened.
Yuta couldn’t exactly recall when it happened or what pushed him to do it but he found himself with yet another battle between his heart and brain and like always, he let his emotions control him. He unblocked him again.
For emergencies.
This time he wouldn’t crack. He wouldn’t pick up and let him ruin him further. And since he would have this under control, he would also not inform his friends that he unblocked him. That was what he decided.
But there he was, standing in the corner of the crowded kitchen full of people with a red cup in one hand, his phone in the other and his head buzzing from the alcohol. His attention was going back and forth between the two items in his hands. He wasn’t sure what he wanted more, what he needed more.
His attention was suddenly lifted by a loud noise coming from the other side of the kitchen. Someone broke a glass, or maybe it was a mug? Whatever it was, it was now scattered on the floor in pieces.
Yuta didn’t really care but he decided to move from his spot before a bigger mess was created. He pushed his phone into the pocket of his jeans and quickly left the room, the cup still secured in his hand.
He maneuvered his body through the crowd trying to find his friends. Thankfully it didn’t take long as he quickly spotted bright red hair that belonged to Taeil. He made his way in his direction holding his cup closer to his body, trying to protect its content from spilling.
‘Hi there.’ he said as soon as he found himself in a hearing range from Taeil. The older looked up at him from his drink, eyes glazed up and a smile quickly grew on his face.
‘Yuta! How do you like the party?’ Taeil asked him as he threw his arm around the taller’s shoulder making him stumble on his feet slightly.
‘It good hyung, where’s the rest of our friends? I thought they were supposed to keep an eye on you.’ he replied with a chuckle.
‘Oh they were talking outside on the patio, I just came back inside to use the bathroom.’ Taeil answered completely ignoring the second part of what Yuta said.
‘And to get another drink?’ he asked, motioning at the cup, similar to his own, that the older was holding in his hand.
‘Hmm? Oh yeah, I guess.’ he replied with a small shrug.
‘Why don’t we join them? It’s a bit stuffy in here.’ Yuta suggested. Taeil nodded enthusiastically.
Yuta grabbed Taeil’s hand and started pulling the older through the crowd, his head felt less heavy at this point. They swiftly made their way through the house and soon they stepped outside, quickly spotting the rest of their group.
‘You guys really can’t keep him in check, can you?’ Yuta said with a smile as soon as they got close to them.
At the sound of his voice three pair of eyes focused on them. Doyoung quickly looked away with a roll of his eyes before turning back to the conversation he was having with Jaehyun. Only Johnny stepped closer to the two, grabbing Taeil from Yuta’s arms and bringing him closer to himself.
‘You disappeared too, where were you hiding?’ Johnny asked, using the now dozing off man as an armrest.
At the question Yuta’s smile fell a bit, he didn’t want to share what he was thinking about. He quickly regained his composure but the short change in his expression didn’t go unnoticed by Doyoung.
‘I was just in the kitchen, someone broke some glass there.’ he said, his hand scratching the side of his neck in a nervous manner.
Just as Doyoung, who was still turned in Jaehyun’s direction but sending not-so-subtle glances in Yuta’s direction, opened his mouth to ask a question, Yuta felt vibrations coming from his pocket.
He furrowed his brows and without much thinking, pulled his phone out. And as soon it was in his hand he could feel the atmosphere in the group change.
He kept his eyes locked on the familiar picture, his breath getting caught in his throat. He slowly lowered his phone and raised his gaze.
He saw Johnny’s conflicted eyes scanning his face. Taeil’s gaze still locked on the phone that kept ringing in his hand, his eyes less cloudy. Jaehyun was stealing glances his way, his eyes going back and forth between Yuta and Doyoung.
And Doyoung.
Doyoung couldn’t even hide anger. His gaze hardened as he pursed his lips.
‘Mark said he blocked him himself.’ Doyoung spat out in a low voice.
‘He did. Look, it’s not like that. I-I…’ Yuta said, quickly trying to come up with an excuse.
‘What? You did it in case of an emergency?’ Johnny asked in an annoyed voice, his grip around Taeil tightening. The oldest rubbed his arms softly, trying to calm him down.
‘Ye- I mean no! No it’s just…’ Yuta tried to speak up again, but his voice got stuck in his throat.
‘What’s the point in all this hyung?’ Doyoung asked, his voice rising with every word.
‘You keep saying that you’re over him, that you know he hurt you and doesn’t deserve you. Yet you always answer his calls, when you know damn well they do nothing but hurt you!’
‘Doyoung…’ Taeil mumbled under his breath and tried to approach the fuming boy only to be stopped by the iron grip Johnny had on him.
‘Why do you keep going back to him? Even when all he does is destroy you?’
Yuta could feel the back of his eyes start to burn but he couldn’t look away from his friend’s furious face.
He didn’t understand why he acted and felt like that, so how was he supposed to explain it to them?
So instead he took a step back, away from the four. He saw Johnny’s eyes soften but it didn’t stop him. He quickly turned away and ran off. He could hear Taeil yelling his name and Jaehyun’s low voice directed at Doyoung but he knew he couldn’t face them now.
Because he was scared.
Scared of how he felt, scared of not understanding himself.
He stopped running when he was a few buildings further, his heart beating faster than ever. He stopped, trying to catch his breath and organize his thoughts but he couldn’t focus on anything.
Instead he took a few small steps forward and leaned against the wall, letting his body slowly slide down until he was sitting down, hugging his knees close to his chest.
Just then his phone started vibrating again. He turned the screen up, expecting to see a picture of Taeil or Jaehyun, heck maybe even Johnny, but his stomach dropped when he saw who was calling him.
Him again.
His body and mind froze as he looked at the familiar eyes and smile. The eyes and smile he used to love so much. He could feel his eyes watering with each passing second.
Finally he slowly slid his finger across the screen and with a shaky hand brought the device close to his ear. He could hear sniffling and quiet sobbing coming from the other side.
‘Yuta…’
He felt the hot tears leave his eyes and travel down his face as his heart welcomed the pain he was so familiar with at this point.
‘Taeyong…’