Work Text:
“I like your name,” he smiled warmly at me, making me feel things. Good things, “Taehyung,”
My name is Kim Taehyung. I’m 23 and majoring in arts and photography. There’s nothing really interesting about me but there’s one thing that wouldn’t leave my mind...It’s him.
The first time I questioned myself was when I was 16. I started looking at boys differently. I started thinking they’re hot and I asked myself, “ Is this normal?” . I was young back then, I had no idea about gender identity. I thought there’s only girls and boys and you can’t be in between. I was clueless and scared. I asked for advice and they told me that it’s just a phase and I'll get over it but that wasn’t enough to ease my mind.
When I turned 18, I knew. I knew there was something about me that I couldn’t grasp. I knew that I still don’t know myself fully. I knew there was a piece of me that was missing. I was scared of that ‘Something’.
I tried getting to know myself, I tried questioning myself. I tried asking myself absurd things. I tried to ask myself why do I see this guy in my class as something more than a friend should see? And then there I knew, I’m not someone I thought I was.
I can’t. I was so scared of myself and who I became. “Am I gay?” I asked myself every day and I was afraid of saying the word “Yes”. I tried to stop talking to that guy in my class hoping I’ll be able to change myself. I tried flirting with girls hoping I’d become straight but everything was futile. The more I tried to change myself, the more I became wary, so scared of myself.
When I turned 20, finally in college, I met my best friend. I call him my platonic soulmate ‘cause that’s what we are. We hit it off the first time we met. He’s so fun to be with and I really enjoy his company. 2 months of friendship and I found out....He’s into boys. Years of running away from the real me, I found someone who’s not afraid to embrace himself. I cried in front of him and opened up the things I couldn’t say to the world. He was there for me and up to now, he still is. Thanks to him, I can finally say that, “Yes, I am gay”.
21 years old when I decided to take photography along with arts, I really liked taking pictures of things I knew I wanted to keep. I like taking pictures of precious memories. And at the age 21 is when I saw /him/ again. He looks so good, charming, and as kind as ever. His hair grew and it fits him so well. He looks so toned. He looks so cool and is popular with not just girls, but boys swoon over him too. When I saw him again, I knew my feelings for him never changed.
I stepped into our classroom, I have no friends in that class since I was new. I tried looking around to see if I at least know an acquaintance. And there I saw him, laughing with his friends. Of course, I was too shy to approach him so I just sat quietly on the seat just 2 rows before his.
I think God and angels are on my side ‘cause he saw me sitting alone and decided to talk to me. “Taehyung?” His voice was unsure, but sweet like honey. I looked up and smiled shyly at him and he returned the smile with his famous bunny smile that could light up everyone’s mood. “ Dude, it’s really you!”
He’s straight. Of course he is. That’s a little unfortunate on my side but seeing his happy demeanor when he saw me is enough. We were friends in high school so he thought catching up would be great. We talked about lots of things and it turns out we have lots of common things we like. We hang out a lot and Jimin is very jealous because he said and I quote, “You replaced me with that Jeongguk!”
We became close friends and 2 years later, now present. I know for sure that I, Kim Taehyung, is in love with Jeon Jeongguk. The guy I met 6 years ago. I mean, how can I not? He’s almost perfect. He’s like our university’s dream guy. I’m just lucky I get to be by his side almost every day.
“You’re boyfriends, admit it,” Jimin said Jeongguk and I acted like boyfriends does. I think otherwise, I just think Jeongguk is very sweet and kind. “Taehyung, that guy brings you hot chocolate everyday! He’s overprotective when it comes to you, he’s too possessive and acts like a tiger when a guy even dares to come near you!” Jimin argues
“It’s because he knows I’m shy-“
“Explain why I saw him looking at you like you’re his whole world- Scratch that, like you’re his whole universe then?” Jimin scoffed, looking so done
“No, he doesn’t” It’s impossible, he’s straight. Heterosexual. Straight like a ruler.
“Taehyung, please for the love of all homosexuals out there, open your eyes,” Jimin rolled his eyes, “Remember when I asked if he can treat me lunch because I’ve run out of money but he said no?” I nodded
“ But he treated you breakfast, lunch, and dinner when you asked him cutely?” I, once again, nodded sheepishly.
“Taehyung, that says everything about his feelings for you because you should be stingy when it comes to food,” I chuckled because yes, maybe Jimin is right.
After that day of Jimin and I’s little talk, Jeongguk invited me to lunch and I said yes. It’s also that day that I decided to confess my feelings to him and hopefully, everything goes well.
“Taehyung,” He calls, interrupting my train of thoughts, “ Are you coming with me or are you gonna just stand there?” He teased.
And of course, hopefully, nothing changes when he doesn't feel the same way.
I laughed gaining Jeongguk’s attention, cocking an eyebrow. “Are you even with me, Taehyung?”
“Silly, I’ll always be with you,” I replied, intertwining our hands which fits perfectly. Holding hands is normal for us. We would always watch movies and cuddle in our apartment in our free time so I thought he wouldn’t suspect a thing if I hold his hand.
This can be my last…
After eating lunch, we had a stroll in the park. Just talking about what happened yesterday when we weren’t together. Joking about things only both of us can understand, hands still intertwined. Jeongguk is a great friend, a boyfriend material. Everyone wants him, I want him. I want him in my life, not just a friend but someone to treasure for my whole life.
“Taehyung, is something wrong?” Jeongguk asked, worriedly. He turned his whole body to face me. “You looked troubled before we even had lunch”.
How can I not be? If he doesn’t feel the same way, even just an ounce, this can be the last time we’ll see each other. Or even if we still talk, I know everything wouldn’t stay the same.
“I-” I sighed, now looking down ‘cause I’m afraid to meet Jeongguk’s beautiful doe eyes. “ I have something to confess,”
Jeongguk straighten up, raising an eyebrow. “Should I be scared?”
“I don’t think so, no.” I’m the one who’s scared here, “It’s just- It can change everything between us, alright? I hope it doesn’t but-”
“Tae, what is it?” He asked, letting go of my hand. I almost whined from the lost of contact, “ You- You didn’t murder anyone, did you?”
“What? No!” He laughed. A complete crackhead. “Nothing can change us, alright, Tae?” He smiled, looking at me as if I’m the one who he holds dear the most. I’m delusional, sue me.
“I love you,” I confessed, “I’m sorry but It’s just impossible not to love you,”
I know I shouldn’t cry but fuck it, this is hard. I’m scared of his reaction. I’m scared of the outcome.
“Taehyung-”
“Whatever you do, even the smallest things, it makes me nervous, Jeongguk,” I added, “I love you so damn much that even if you do the most random stupid things, it makes me madly in love with you. You make me laugh everyday but it’s crazy because your laugh is what makes my day, not your stupid corny jokes.”
Jeongguk is just staring at me, surprised at every word I’m spouting. At this point, I’m just sobbing, you know? Ugly crying and Jeongguk just doing nothing but staring at me is making everything hard.
“I’m sorry, Jeonggukkie,” I sobbed. Wiping away all the tears, still not looking up at him. Then suddenly, “Taehyung, can you pinch me?” I looked at him, frowning. This is a serious matter, why is he being like this?
“Sorry, I just—” Jeongguk laughed nervously, “ I think I’m dreaming…”
“Jeongguk, why would think you’re dreaming?” I asked, still confused about what is happening.
“I mean, if a guy you’ve loved since 6 years ago just told you he loves you, wouldn’t you think you’re dreaming?” Jeongguk smiled. Jeon Jeongguk fucking smiled. I didn’t hear that right. I’m delusional. I misheard him. That’s the only explanation.
“You’re lying,” I said, kind of hurt. Jeongguk stepped closer to me, cupping my cheeks.
“I’ve always wanted to kiss you, hold your hands, make you laugh, and be your man,” He confessed, “ I wanted to be yours”.
“Since 6 years ago?” I asked, still blushing ‘cause of how close we are. He nodded.
“No, that’s impossible! You had a girlfriend 6 years ago!” I pouted, how can he lie to me like that?
“We dated because of our parents, baby,” He sighed, “I only agreed to date her ‘cause I didn’t want to disappoint them but…” Jeongguk pouted while frowning cutely.
“I regret agreeing to them when I found out you moved away. I should’ve confessed to you even if you didn’t feel the same way back then,”
Wrong. I loved him since then. “I thought I lost my chance but I saw you walked in our class and baby, I was so happy because I thought someone out there gave me a second chance to prove to you how much I love you. I’m so sorry it took me so long to tell you. I was so afraid. It’s better to be friends than to lose you, that’s what I thought.”
His thumb gently caressing my cheeks, nervousness and care still present on his expression.
“I don’t ever want to lose you anymore so please...Will you be my man?”
I’m full-time sobbing now. This did not just happened. No. I don't deserve this fine man right here.
“Baby, Taehyung?”
But let me be selfish. Let me have this moment. Let me have him.
“Only if you’ll be mine,” I smiled at him, pulling him closer.
“You had me 6 years ago and you still have me now. I’ll always be yours.”
“Always.”