Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

[WINSTON] reopened [OVERWATCH COMMUNICATION CHANNEL].

[WINSTON] added [BRIGITTE LINDHOLM], [FAREEHA AMARI], [MEI-LING ZHOU], [HANA SONG], and [LÚCIO CORREIA DOS SANTOS] to [OVERWATCH COMMUNICATION CHANNEL].

WINSTON: @EVERYONE

WINSTON: Hello, everyone. This is a channel for us to communicate about the organization, whether it be mission discussions and planning, reviewing notes from previous team meetings, or emergency communications in case you have no other way of contacting us.

[LENA OXTON] reentered [OVERWATCH COMMUNICATION CHANNEL].

[GENJI SHIMADA] reentered [OVERWATCH COMMUNICATION CHANNEL].

[JESSE MCCREE] reentered [OVERWATCH COMMUNICATION CHANNEL].

[ANGELA ZIEGLER] reentered [OVERWATCH COMMUNICATION CHANNEL].

[REINHARDT WILHELM] reentered [OVERWATCH COMMUNICATION CHANNEL]

[HANA SONG] entered [OVERWATCH COMMUNICATION CHANNEL].

[LÚCIO CORREIA DOS SANTOS] entered [OVERWATCH COMMUNICATION CHANNEL].

LENA: oi whats this?

LÚCIO: tracer just fucking read lol

LENA: how do i change my name???

WINSTON: Bottom left-hand corner.

[LENA OXTON] changed display name to [TRACER].

[HANA SONG] changed display name to [D.VA].

[ANGELA ZIEGLER] changed display name to [MERCY].

MERCY: Winston… are you sure this is a good idea?

WINSTON: Why wouldn’t it be?

MERCY: You remember how it ended up last time you tried to make this channel.

REINHARDT: And good times were had in that channel!

WINSTON: That was years ago, Angela! I have full faith in our current team to use this channel for it’s intended purposes.

MCCREE: yee fuckin haw boys whats shakin

D.VA: they always say yee haw

D.VA: but they never ask

D.VA: H A W Y E E

MERCY: ...Are you so certain, Winston?

REINHARDT: If he isn’t, I am! This is a GREAT idea!!!

GENJI: HEE YAW

TRACER: WAH EEY

MCCREE: please shut the mcfuck up

WINSTON: While I appreciate the enthusiasm for the channel, please only use it for it’s intended purposes, as stated when I first created it.

LÚCIO: with all due respect mr. winston

LÚCIO: we are communicating about the organization

LÚCIO: which is very much one of its intended purposes

WINSTON: I meant in a more… professional setting.

[TORBJÖRN LINDHOLM] reentered [OVERWATCH COMMUNICATION CHANNEL].

[FAREEHA AMARI] entered [OVERWATCH COMMUNICATION CHANNEL].

[BRIGITTE LINDHOLM] entered [OVERWATCH COMMUNICATION CHANNEL].

FAREEHA: I remember my mother’s stories of this channel. From what I’ve heard, it was never used the way it was meant to be.

[FAREEHA AMARI] changed display name to [PHARAH].

BRIGITTE: so far, it looks like this channel may have the same fate

WINSTON: They just need a moment to unwind.

TORBJÖRN: Winston, it’ll be more than “a moment” and we all know that.

GENJI: hey mccree

MCCREE: what

GENJI: mcfuck mcyou

MCCREE: YOU DONT PUT THE MC IN FRONT OF THE WORD YOU

MCCREE: IT JUST LOOKS STUPID LIKE THAT

D.VA: you have no room to talk about things that look stupid

D.VA: youre the one who still dresses in FUCKING FULL COWBOY GETUP

MCCREE: FUCK YOU ITS COOL

GENJI: your belt buckle literally says “BAMF” what part of that is cool

MCCREE: EVERY PART OF IT

[D.VA] changed channel name to [BEANS ARE MY FRIENDS]

MCCREE: now hold on just a diddly damn second

TRACER: jesse the bean man!!!!!!!!!

MCCREE: no

LÚCIO: yes

GENJI: yes

D.VA: yes

TRACER: yes

REINHARDT: Yes!

WINSTON: Alright, you’ve all had your fun. Can we change the channel name back now?

LÚCIO: no

GENJI: no

D.VA: no

TRACER: no

REINHARDT: Absolutely not!

MCCREE: YES

[JACK MORRISON] reentered [BEANS ARE MY FRIENDS].

TRACER: ?!??!????!?

MCCREE: what, and i quote, the mcfuck

MERCY: This… can’t be possible. Jack Morrison is dead…

REINHARDT: Jack?!

WINSTON: I’ll have Athena track the signal.

[JACK MORRISON] changed display name to [SOLDIER 76].

76: Apologies for the confusion.

76: I found this communicator quite a while ago.

WINSTON: Ah, alright. Would you bring it up to my lab so I can inspect it?

76: Sure thing.

D.VA: who is jack morrison

MCCREE: how the mcfuck do you not know????

D.VA: IM ONLY 19 OKAY

D.VA: AND STOP SAYING MCFUCK

MCCREE: MCFUCK YOU

MCCREE: YOU DONT SEE ME TELLING YOU HOW TO LIVE YOUR LIFE

WINSTON: I… can’t be bothered to steer this channel in the right direction right now. I’ll revisit it another time.

[WINSTON] disconnected from [BEANS ARE MY FRIENDS].

[MEI-LING ZHOU] entered [BEANS ARE MY FRIENDS].

MEI: Hey everyone, what did I miss?

TORBJÖRN: Nothing exciting.

LÚCIO: so mccree

LÚCIO: how do you like your beans?

MCCREE: …

[JESSE MCCREE] disconnected from [BEANS ARE MY FRIENDS].

D.VA: HAHAHAHAHAHA

TORBJÖRN: Winston is a fool if he thinks this channel will work out in the long run.

MERCY: Just let him have his pride for now.

Chapter Text

[WINSTON] reentered [BEANS ARE MY FRIENDS].

[WINSTON] changed channel name to [OVERWATCH COMMUNICATION CHANNEL].

WINSTON: Alright team, we’ve had our fun. Now let’s stick to using this channel for Overwatch related issues only.

TRACER: but wheres the fun in that???

D.VA: who put a stick up your butt winston

WINSTON: For your information, there is no stick in my rear.

[JESSE MCCREE] reentered [OVERWATCH COMMUNICATION CHANNEL].

MCCREE: yes there is winston

MCCREE: yes

MCCREE: there

MCCREE: is

76: Is saying each word on a separate line really necessary?

MCCREE: yes

GENJI: yes

D.VA: yes

TRACER: yes

LÚCIO: yes

REINHARDT: But

REINHARDT: of

REINHARDT: course!

76: Reinhardt, not you too…

REINHARDT: Why not?

76: You’re one of the only adults in this group I can tolerate. Don’t stoop to their level.

GENJI: well fuck you too i guess!

MERCY: Some of us have barely even spoken…

76: Keywords are “ONE of the only” not “THE only”.

MCCREE: oh by the way

MCCREE: i found these two dudes digging in our trash last night and wanted them to join us

[JESSE MCCREE] added [JAMISON FAWKES] and [MAKO RUTLEDGE] to [OVERWATCH COMMUNICATION CHANNEL].

JAMISON: G’DAY COBBERS

JAMISON: HOW DO I CHANGE MY NAME

MCCREE: bottom left

[JAMISON FAWKES] changed display name to [JUNKRAT].

[MAKO RUTLEDGE] changed display name to [ROADHOG].

JUNKRAT: THANKS MATE

WINSTON: Jesse, that isn’t a call you can make by yourself.

WINSTON: How did you even get communicators for them?

MCCREE: i went into your lab and took 2 of the unregistered ones

WINSTON: … How did you get in my lab? Athena had it locked up tight.

MCCREE: i have my ways monkey man

WINSTON: … Right. Well, they can’t really stay.

JUNKRAT: OI MATE WHY NOT

JUNKRAT: I AINT DONE NOTHING BAD

ROADHOG: Yes you have

JUNKRAT: NOT IN THE PAST 24 HOURS I HAVENT

ROADHOG: Yes you have

JUNKRAT: ALRIGHT WELL STILL

JUNKRAT: PLEASE LET US STAY

JUNKRAT: ITS REALLY COLD OUT THERE

LÚCIO: its the middle of summer

JUNKRAT: I SAID WHAT I SAID MATE

D.VA: i want the trash boys to stay!!!

TRACER: trash boys! trash boys! trash boys!

GENJI: trash boys!

REINHARDT: LET THE TRASH MEN JOIN US!

WINSTON: … Fine. But I’ll need them to fill out some paperwork, and I’ll need to run some tests on them to make sure they’re in good health.

JUNKRAT: GEE THANKS MATE, ROADY WILL HAVE TO HELP ME CAUSE I CANT WRITE ALL THAT WELL

ROADHOG: He has the iq of a 6 year old

JUNKRAT: THANKS BUDDY, THAT MIGHT BE THE NICEST THING YOUVE SAID ABOUT ME

D.VA: WOOOOOOOOOOOOO

[D.VA] changed channel name to [WELCOME TRASH BOYS!!!].

WINSTON: Why are you like this?

TRACER: why arent YOU like this?

GENJI: you really do have a stick up your butt dont you? cant you just be cool for once?

WINSTON: I’ll have you know I’m very cool. I have what the kids would call “swag”.

LÚCIO: holy shit dude that is the worst thing youve ever said

GENJI: i would pay money to unread that

GENJI: actually wheres my dragonblade ill just use that to gouge my eyes out

D.VA: it wasnt THAT bad

D.VA: but it was still pretty bad

MCCREE: would yall just let the monkey have his moment??

WINSTON: … Thanks, Jesse. I guess.

MCCREE: no problem partner

JUNKRAT: HEY WHERES THE BATHROOM IN THIS PLACE

JUNKRAT: ROADY TOLD ME I CANT KEEP GOING IN YOUR DUMPSTER

PHARAH: What the fuck?

76: You’re all idiots.

[SOLDIER 76] disconnected from [WELCOME TRASH BOYS!!!].

D.VA: good riddance old man

MERCY: He’ll be back.

LÚCIO: unfortunate

JUNKRAT: SO UH ABOUT THE BATHROOM

MCCREE: down the hall to your right

JUNKRAT: THANKS MATE

GENJI: WAIT WHAT THE FUCK THAT IS MY ROOM

GENJI: MCCREE WHAT THE FUCK

JUNKRAT: MUCH BETTER!

GENJI: JESUS FUCKING CHRIST ITS EVERYWHERE

GENJI: WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU

JUNKRAT: I REALLY HAD TO GO MATE

D.VA: HAHAHAHA HOLY SHIT

GENJI: IT WAS A PRETTY HOLY SHIT WASNT IT JUNKRAT

LÚCIO: IM DYING WTF

GENJI: IT SMELLS SO BAD WTF WHERE AM I GONNA SLEEP

MCCREE: in the dumpster?

JUNKRAT: THAT MIGHT BE WORSE MATE

GENJI: it CANT be worse

[GENJI SHIMADA] went idle.

ROADHOG: He’s in for a treat

MERCY: Should I be on standby?

ROADHOG: Yes

[GENJI SHIMADA] is no longer idle.

GENJI: OKAY ITS WORSE

GENJI: WHAT THE FUCK

GENJI: WHENS THE LAST TIME THE DUMPSTER WAS EMPTIED

GENJI: ITS FUCKING OVERFLOWING

WINSTON: It was just emptied yesterday…

GENJI: WHAT THE FUCK??????????

GENJI: HOW IS THAT EVEN HUMANLY POSSIBLE??????????

JUNKRAT: I EAT A LOT OF FIBER

LÚCIO: this is the best day of my fucking life

[SOLDIER 76] has reentered [WELCOME TRASH BOYS!!!].

76: What on God’s green earth is that smell?!

TRACER: LMAO

ROADHOG: I’ll go clean genji’s room

ROADHOG: I’m used to junkrat’s shit by now

ROADHOG: Figuratively and literally

JUNKRAT: THANKS MATE

GENJI: ROADHOG YOURE A BLESSING

GENJI: JUST PLEASE DO IT SOON SO I CAN SLEEP IN MY OWN ROOM TONIGHT

ROADHOG: Sorry mate, junkrat is really hard to clean up after

ROADHOG: It will take a week at least

GENJI: WELL MCCREE SINCE THIS IS YOUR FAULT IM STAYING IN YOUR ROOM UNTIL MINE IS FIXED

MCCREE: like hell you are

GENJI: FUCK YOU

[GENJI SHIMADA] has disconnected from [WELCOME TRASH BOYS!!!].

D.VA: mccree you are incredible

Chapter Text

WINSTON: Good morning everyone!

WINSTON: It's the start of a brand new week, and I hope you're all doing well.

WINSTON: Especially you, Genji. I hope sleeping in your bed again has been pleasant.

GENJI: i never want to see the color brown again

JUNKRAT: OI MATE I APOLOGIZED WHEN IT HAPPENED

WINSTON: It's no matter. We've taken extra measures to ensure Junkrat knows where the actual bathroom is now.

══════════════════

[PRIVATE CORRESPONDENCE]

WINSTON: Genji.

GENJI: what is this

WINSTON: Private messages. I had a matter I wanted to talk to you about.

GENJI: is this about the burrito bonanza we had on sunday night

WINSTON: The what?

GENJI: nothing

GENJI: what did you need?

WINSTON: I just wanted to let you know that I am adding some new agents to the chat today, and, well... you may be in for a bit of a shock.

GENJI: and whys that?

══════════════════

WINSTON: Over the weekend, I have been working diligently to recruit some new agents, and I'm pleased to finally be able to introduce you all to them!

[WINSTON] added [ALEKSANDRA ZARYANOVA], [SATYA VASWANI], and [HANZO SHIMADA] to [WELCOME TRASH BOYS!!!]

D.VA: welcome new friends!

MEI: Welcome everyone!

TRACER: welcome luvs!

LÚCIO: welcome to the shitshow starring us, the dumbfucks of overwatch

MERCY: Welcome aboard!

PHARAH: Welcome.

REINHARDT: WELCOME FRIENDS!

BRIGITTE: welcome!

MCCREE: oh boy thisll be interesting

[ALEKSANDRA ZARYANOVA] changed display name to [ZARYA].

[SATYA VASWANI] changed display name to [SYMMETRA].

ZARYA: Zarya reporting for duty.

MCCREE: duty... lol

LÚCIO: mccree shut the fuck up

MCCREE: but... doody

D.VA: i thought i was supposed to be the youngest one here

[MCCREE] changed channel name to [DOODY IN THE HOODY].

SYMMETRA: Thank you all for the generous welcome. I look forward to working with all of you.

HANZO: Greetings.

GENJI: WHAT THE FUCK????????????????????

GENJI: HANZO????????????????????

HANZO: ... Brother.

HANZO: It has been quite some time.

GENJI: YEAH THE LAST TIME I SAW YOU YOU TRIED TO KILL ME

GENJI: WTF @WINSTON YOU SAID ID BE IN FOR A "LITTLE SHOCK" NOT THAT ID BE SENT INTO FUCKING CARDIAC ARREST

WINSTON: Well, I'll leave you all to interacting with the new recruits. Enjoy yourselves!

GENJI: WINSTON NO WE NEED TO TALK ABOUT THIS

[WINSTON] has disconnected from [DOODY IN THE HOODY].

GENJI: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

[GENJI] went idle.

MCCREE: he seems excited

HANZO: I was not made aware of his presence within the organization... I thought he was dead.

LÚCIO: would that be because you tried to kill him

HANZO: That's... besides the point.

HANZO: I need to talk to him privately about this.

MERCY: It may be wise to give him some time. I'm sure it is a sensitive subject to him.

SYMMETRA: Is he always like this?

D.VA: more or less

PHARAH: Unfortunately.

PHARAH: Anyways, I'm sure it is a lot to take in at once. Would any of you like some tea?

SYMMETRA: Tea sounds lovely.

ZARYA: Sure.

HANZO: ... Tea sounds refreshing. Thank you.

PHARAH: Meet me in the common room. I will begin brewing it now.

JUNKRAT: CAN I HAVE TEA TOO

JUNKRAT: I LIKE TEA

PHARAH: If you behave yourself.

JUNKRAT: I WILL

JUNKRAT: I PROMISE

76: Why do I hear glass being shattered?

LÚCIO: genji is probably going to use the broken glass to kill winston

D.VA: or hanzo! as revenge!

HANZO: Hm.

MCCREE: dont mind him hanzo

MCCREE: genji is a dumbass sometimes

HANZO: Why do you think I tried to kill him in the first place?

TRACER: lol ouch

MCCREE: im sure he wont try anything with you, but if he does ill deal with him

MCCREE: you just got here, you shouldnt need to deal with his shit yet

HANZO: Thank you... McCree.

MCCREE: call me jesse

LÚCIO: wtf you dont let us call you jesse????

TRACER: yeah why does the new guy get to call you by your first name!!!

MCCREE: because he hasnt tried to feed me one of my hats in a subway footlong

D.VA: LOL WHAT

D.VA: WHY WASNT I INFORMED OF THIS

LÚCIO: because you wouldve told people

D.VA: AND TRACER WOULDNT HAVE????

TRACER: sounds like you just need to git gud

[GENJI] is no longer idle.

GENJI: alright i sorted things with winston... for now

D.VA: for now???

LÚCIO: did you kill him?

GENJI: no

GENJI: i just broke the glass barriers of his lab and threatened to slice all of the cords and wires in his workspace

[WINSTON] reentered [DOODY IN THE HOODY].

WINSTON: Those windows won't be cheap to fix.

GENJI: MY TRAUMA WONT BE CHEAP TO FIX WINSTON

MERCY: What was that noise?!

PHARAH: Junkrat somehow managed to cause an explosion with his tea...

JUNKRAT: I SWEAR IT WASNT ON PURPOSE

JUNKRAT: BUT THAT TEA WAS FUCKING HOT AND THERES GLASS STUCK IN ME NOW

JUNKRAT: IT HURTS

MERCY: ... I'll be right there, I guess.

JUNKRAT: THANKS SHEILA

SYMMETRA: Aside from that little... mishap... the tea was delicious. Thank you, Pharah.

PHARAH: Of course. Let me know if you'd ever like more, and I'd be happy to provide.

TRACER: thats a little gay

PHARAH: Am I not allowed to offer a new coworker some tea?

LÚCIO: you are

LÚCIO: but its a little gay

D.VA: i am a little gay!

D.VA: and by that i mean small gay person

D.VA: but hey if youre just a little bit gay thats okay too

PHARAH: Right... well, okay I guess.

MERCY: Oh dear. This is... worse than I imagined.

MERCY: How did you even manage this?

JUNKRAT: IDK

ROADHOG: He probably only needed to look at the teacup for it to explode

MERCY: Well, get ready... this is going to hurt.

JUNKRAT: FUCK

[JUNKRAT] went idle.

[MERCY] went idle.

LÚCIO: rip rat boy

Chapter Text

WINSTON: 76, status update. How is the mission going?

76: Mostly going according to plan.

MCCREE: tracer lost her comm

76: What do you mean she lost her comm?!

MCCREE: i mean she lost her fucking comm dumbass cant you read

WINSTON: How on earth did she manage to lose her communicator?

D.VA: she dropped it while blinking lol

D.VA: hold on she wants to say something, im giving her my comm for a sec

D.VA: hey luvs! im sorry i dropped the comm, but we can replace it right winston?

WINSTON: We aren't made of money, Tracer.

D.VA: well youve got lots of extra comms just lying around! ive seen your lab!

WINSTON: Fine. Just be more careful in the future.

D.VA: cheers luv! giving dva her comm back now

TRACER: Hello.

WINSTON: Oh good, you found it!

GENJI: winston that isnt tracer

GENJI: besides she doesnt type like that ever and you know it

LÚCIO: can confirm its not tracer. shes still next to dva

76: Well then who the hell is it?

[TRACER] changed display name to [WIDOWMAKER].

LÚCIO: oh shit its a talon agent lol

WIDOWMAKER: I had heard that there was a secret communication channel that Overwatch was using to relay important information to each other.

MCCREE: well congrats, we do literally everything except that

WIDOWMAKER: I can tell.

76: How the fuck did a Talon agent get a hold of Tracer's comm?!

WIDOWMAKER: It isn't hard when your agents can't properly keep track of them, mon chéri.

[WINSTON] banned [WIDOWMAKER] from [DOODY IN THE HOODY].

WINSTON: Unbelievable. We can't be feeding important information to Talon.

GENJI: okay but what important information is in here to begin with?????????

LÚCIO: hes got a point lol

[MCCREE] unbanned [WIDOWMAKER] from [DOODY IN THE HOODY].

WIDOWMAKER: Merci.

76: Why the fuck would you do that?!

MCCREE: because its funny and gets on your nerves lol

76: Just finish the damn mission!

D.VA: tracer and i finished escorting the payload!

MCCREE: and there you have it

MCCREE: there is no mission left to finish

76: ...

D.VA: tracer and i are coming to get everyone into the orca now

76: Unbelievable.

[SOLDIER 76] went idle.

WIDOWMAKER: Isn't Overwatch supposed to be a state of the art organization?

WINSTON: ... Supposed to be, yes. Unfortunately, our agents have... different plans.

GENJI: GIDDYUP COWBOY

MCCREE: DONT SASS ME NINJA

D.VA: just get in the orca oh my god

[SOLDIER 76] is no longer idle.

76: What the hell was that?!

WIDOWMAKER: I shot your visor.

76: Why?! We already escorted the payload, what is the point in destroying my visor now?!

WIDOWMAKER: I figured you would freak out about it.

WIDOWMAKER: I was correct, and it's quite entertaining to watch you panic and flop around helplessly.

WIDOWMAKER: I didn't realize you'd be quite so blind without your precious visor.

D.VA: LOL savage

LÚCIO: holy shit hes just running into everything

LÚCIO: someone should probably go help him lol

WINSTON: Okay... then go help him.

LÚCIO: no i didnt mean me

LÚCIO: i have cheese puffs waiting for me on the orca

WINSTON: ...

WINSTON: Are those really more important than your fellow agent?

LÚCIO: yes

MCCREE: fine ill go get him i guess

WINSTON: Thank you, Jesse.

MCCREE: dont mention it

MCCREE: seriously

MCCREE: if it were up to me id just leave him to suffer

76: I'm still in here you know!

MCCREE: i know

[SOLDIER 76] disconnected from [DOODY IN THE HOODY].

WIDOWMAKER: What on earth is that chat name supposed to be?

WINSTON: I... don't know.

GENJI: lol soldier is just sulking in the corner of the orca now

LÚCIO: is he... is he crying

D.VA: omg he is LOL

D.VA: and cursing under his breath

WINSTON: Just get back here and I'll see what I can do about fixing his visor.

MCCREE: eh

MCCREE: i think you should leave it broken

LÚCIO: agreed

LÚCIO: i like seeing him like this lol

WINSTON: Unbelievable.

Chapter Text

[WINSTON] added [LENA OXTON] to [DOODY IN THE HOODY].

WINSTON: There you go Tracer, your new communicator is all set up. Try not to lose this one, please.

LENA: thanks luv!

[LENA OXTON] changed display name to [TRACER].

WINSTON: Also team, since a certain Talon agent decided it'd be funny to shoot out Soldier's visor...

D.VA: which it was

WINSTON: ... Besides the point.

WINSTON: Our next few missions will have to be done without him while I work on repairing the visor. It is made of very advanced technology that I haven't quite figured out how to replicate yet.

GENJI: boohoo, no boring old man to yell at us for breathing the wrong way

MCCREE: no boring old man to yell at us for breathing, period

WINSTON: Glad to see how well you're all taking this, I suppose.

WINSTON: In the meantime, future missions will be led by Hanzo.

HANZO: I will serve you all dutifully.

GENJI: pls dont try to kill me again

GENJI: it hurt the first time

HANZO: ...

══════════════════

PRIVATE CORRESPONDENCE

HANZO: Brother.

GENJI: oh god are you going to kill me over private messages

GENJI: well guess this is how i go, i lived a full life

HANZO: You were a disgrace to the Shimada clan.

GENJI: gee thanks tell me something i dont know

HANZO: I... didn't want to kill you. But I had to. For the sake of the clan.

HANZO: You were so stuck in your old ways, the ways of a foolish young boy.

HANZO: And... I see that you still are.

HANZO: But being forced by the elders to kill you... is not ever something I wanted to do.

HANZO: I will never forgive myself. I do not expect you to forgive me for the heinous crime against you.

HANZO: But I do need you to know now that I have no ill will. What happened in the clan is long past. Now I am one with Overwatch.

GENJI: bro its not actually that deep

GENJI: i dont give a shit if you want to kill me again bitch id pay you to do it

HANZO: ... What.

GENJI: hell yeah im a suicidal depressed cyborg ninja

GENJI: and yeah at first it took me a while to get used to the whole cyborg thing but like

GENJI: its gucci now

GENJI: we gucci

GENJI: and again i would pay you to kill me if you wanted to

HANZO: ...

HANZO: This conversation did not go as expected.

HANZO: But... thank you. For hearing me out.

GENJI: no problem

GENJI: now stfu

GENJI: youre flooding my notifications

══════════════════

LÚCIO: what winston do you not trust one of US to lead missions?

WINSTON: No, I absolutely do not.

WINSTON: Our last mission alone you tried to boop Genji into the lake.

WINSTON: And then he deflected it.

WINSTON: We had to spend a large chunk of time fishing you out of the water.

LÚCIO: i have no idea what you could possibly be talking about

LÚCIO: it was probably just a fish that looked like me

LÚCIO: and hey

LÚCIO: a live mission is no place to hone your fishing skills >:(

GENJI: then you shouldnt have tried to boop me in the water to begin with

LÚCIO: who says i did? wheres the proof???

WINSTON: I heard everything over your communicators.

WIDOWMAKER: I witnessed the entire transgression happen. You'd have to be blind or a fool to have not seen it.

LÚCIO: oh shut up ms "im too good for talon"

LÚCIO: why are you even still here

MCCREE: also, that explains why soldier didnt see any of it happen. he is both blind AND a fool

WIDOWMAKER: It's entertaining to watch the inner workings of Overwatch dramatically unravel before me.

D.VA: i think thats sophisticated french lady speak for "this entire organization is a fucking mess and im so here for it"

WIDOWMAKER: ... That's... one way to put it, yes.

[D.VA] changed channel name to [A MESS NOT EVEN KLEENEX CAN FIX]

JUNKRAT: OOO IS THERE A MESS

JUNKRAT: I KNOW HOW TO CLEAN MESSES

ROADHOG: No you don't sit down

JUNKRAT: AWWW WHY YOU GOTTA RUIN THE FUN

ROADHOG: Because I don't want my partner to blow himself up again

TRACER: wait omg are you dating????

JUNKRAT: HELL YEAH WE ARE

JUNKRAT: ROADRAT FOR THE WIN

MCCREE: ...

MCCREE: [attached img JUNKRAT_AND_ROADHOG.png]

LÚCIO: ...

D.VA: HAHAHAHAHA HOLY SHIT

TRACER: WTF MCCREE

GENJI: WHY ARE YOU LIKE THIS

JUNKRAT: YEAH THAT SEEMS ABOUT RIGHT

JUNKRAT: I LIKE BANANAS A LOT

JUNKRAT: THEYRE VERY HEALTHY FOR YOU

TRACER: do you like roadhogs banana???? ;))

JUNKRAT: ????

JUNKRAT: ROADY HAVE YOU BEEN HIDING A BANANA FROM ME????

JUNKRAT: THATS NOT VERY NICE MATE

ROADHOG: Fucking idiot

JUNKRAT: LOVE YOU TOO

JUNKRAT: I WANT THE BANANA THOUGH

[JUNKRAT] has gone idle.

ROADHOG: Sigh

[ROADHOG] has gone idle.

D.VA: LMAO

D.VA: TRACER WHY DO YOU SPEAK

TRACER: IM SORRY I HAD TO DONT BLAME ME

[MCCREE] changed channel name to [ROADHOGS BANANA].

GENJI: STOOOOOOOOOP LMDJFIERWJOGVWERG

LÚCIO: well its official

LÚCIO: i dont want to live anymore

GENJI: that makes 2 of us

GENJI: brb gonna go find the bleach

[GENJI] went idle.

LÚCIO: TAKE ME WITH YOU WTF

[LÚCIO] went idle.

BRIGITTE: i finally take a moment to read this chat... and THIS is what's happening in it?

BRIGITTE: how were we ever funded by the UN?

BRIGITTE: is anyone in here even okay?

BRIGITTE: like are any of us mentally stable?

D.VA: no

ZARYA: Nope.

TRACER: no

PHARAH: No.

MCCREE: no

MERCY: Not that I am aware of.

REINHARDT: No! Of course not!

WIDOWMAKER: Non.

TORBJÖRN: I haven't been for a long time.

HANZO: No, probably not.

SYMMETRA: No.

MEI: Doesn't seem like it.

WINSTON: ... I'm beginning to question that for myself.

D.VA: holy shit brig you just made like everyone active in this chat for once

D.VA: instead of just me genji lucio mccree and tracer

BRIGITTE: well at least i'm good at SOMETHING

BRIGITTE: also i usually don't like when people call me brig

D.VA: oh shit im sorry!!

BRIGITTE: but it's okay if you do

BRIGITTE: just no one else

MCCREE: gay

D.VA: MCCREE STFU

[ANA AMARI] rejoined [ROADHOGS BANANA].

ANA: did someone say something about being mentally unstable

PHARAH: MOM???? WTF???????????

REINHARDT: Ana... it can't be?

ANA: oh yeah i pretended to be dead for a while didnt i

PHARAH: LITERALLY WHAT THE FUCK

ANA: i have missed you too fareeha

ANA: @WIDOWMAKER i lived bitch

WIDOWMAKER: Unfortunate.

WINSTON: Well, this has been a lot to unpack for one day... I need a break.

[WINSTON] disconnected from [ROADHOGS BANANA].

D.VA: i need a break from life

BRIGITTE: no

D.VA: o ok

Chapter Text

REINHARDT: Ana... why didn't you tell me you were alive?

PHARAH: Why didn't you tell ME?

PHARAH: Like bitch I am your daughter hello???

ANA: language fareeha

PHARAH: I am fucking 32 and angry I will say whatever the fuck I want lol

ANA: okay well

ANA: after i was shot i just decided life was overwhelming

ANA: so i just hid

ANA: i stocked up on instant ramen and i hid

D.VA: i mean thats a mood tho??????

[LÚCIO] is no longer idle.

LÚCIO: yeah honestly lol

PHARAH: Was it too overwhelming to be in your daughter's life?

ANA: yes have i not already established that

PHARAH: Unbelievable.

PHARAH: I need time to process things.

[PHARAH] disconnected from [ROADHOGS BANANA].

[SOLDIER 76] reentered [ROADHOGS BANANA].

76: What have I missed?

MCCREE: oh you know

MCCREE: someone who we thought was dead for years has really been alive this entire time

MCCREE: apparently hiding out with fucking instant ramen

MCCREE: instead of just confronting reality like a normal person

ANA: @ ME NEXT TIME BITCH

76: Ana?! My god... I thought you died...

LÚCIO: apparently we all did so i think thats the fucking point

76: I haven't seen you in... forever, it feels like...

ANA: bitch do i know you????

76: ...

76: I meant in Overwatch promotional material.

76: You were iconic.

D.VA: lmao soldier stans ana

MCCREE: a wise choice honestly

TRACER: queen honestly!!!!!!!!!!!!!

ANA: ur right

MCCREE: @GENJI look whos alive

[GENJI] is no longer idle.

GENJI: not me in a minute bitch i got bleach

GENJI: and also @HANZO

HANZO: ...

GENJI: wait wtf

GENJI: ana??????? hello????????

ANA: hi

GENJI: bitch wtf didnt you die like 7ish years ago

ANA: no the fuck i didnt

ANA: weve been over this genji

GENJI: ok

══════════════════

[PRIVATE CORRESPONDENCE]

SYMMETRA: Pharah, are you okay?

PHARAH: I'm just... it's a lot to take in.

PHARAH: I thought my mother was dead. But here she is.

PHARAH: And she never even bothered reaching out to me.

SYMMETRA: I'm... very sorry.

SYMMETRA: While I cannot 100% relate, I do understand it must be a struggle.

SYMMETRA: I was plucked away from my family from a young age. I haven't seen them since.

PHARAH: Oh... I'm sorry. I had no idea.

SYMMETRA: It's quite alright. I have grown immensely since then.

SYMMETRA: Now, when I first joined Overwatch, you were very generous with your hospitality. I would like to return the favor.

SYMMETRA: Would you like to meet me in my room for some tea? I have a kettle and miniature range that we can use so we don't have to be out in the common area.

PHARAH: ... I would love that.

PHARAH: Thank you, Symmetra.

SYMMETRA: Please, call me Satya.

PHARAH: Alright. Thank you, Satya.

PHARAH: And you may call me Fareeha as well.

PHARAH: I'll be in your room in 5.

SYMMETRA: I look forward to your presence, Fareeha.

══════════════════

[JUNKRAT] is no longer idle.

[ROADHOG] is no longer idle.

TRACER: did u lads have a fun time???? ;)))

JUNKRAT: NO

JUNKRAT: HE DIDNT HAVE A BANANA

JUNKRAT: I WAS REALLY LOOKING FORWARD TO THE POTASSIUM

ROADHOG: ...

[ROADHOG] is now idle.

BRIGITTE: he looks like hes going to the kitchen

BRIGITTE: probably to look for a banana

BRIGITTE: but we don't have any last i checked???

D.VA: yeah we definitely do not have any bananas

MEI: Erm, then did he just pull bananas out of thin air?

MEI: I can see him as well, and he has a whole bunch of bananas.

JUNKRAT: !!!

BRIGITTE: wtf you're right

[ROADHOG] is no longer idle.

JUNKRAT: THANKS ROADY <3

LÚCIO: hey quick question what the fuck

BRIGITTE: how did you do that???

ROADHOG: Meh

ROADHOG: I have my resources

76: Where the fuck are my bananas?!

76: I keep them hidden away from everyone and someone still managed to take them!

BRIGITTE: ah, i see

D.VA: LMAO

GENJI: is he still blind LOL

TRACER: @WINSTON ^???

[WINSTON] has reentered [ROADHOGS BANANA].

WINSTON: I mean... yeah. I can only work so fast.

REINHARDT: Can you not just give him normal glasses or contacts?

WINSTON: Unfortunately, no. His eyesight is just too far gone at this point.

WINSTON: That's why it is especially difficult to recreate his visor - it needs to have such a strong prescription.

WINSTON: A prescription that is impossible to obtain normally.

MCCREE: so basically you have to use science to make some super fucking magic spectacles

WINSTON: That's one way to put it.

MCCREE: lol rip

MCCREE: @WIDOWMAKER look what you've done

MCCREE: you've handicapped the old man

WIDOWMAKER: I have no regrets.

TRACER: lmao ouch

MCCREE: Fs in the chat for soldier

D.VA: shut the fuck up mccree

GENJI: @MCCREE fuck you

LÚCIO: go eat another one of your hats

MCCREE: wow okay i see i have such a loving fanbase

JUNKRAT: F!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

JUNKRAT: F IN THE FORTNITE LOBBY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

BRIGITTE: what the fuck

D.VA: of course junkrat would play fortnite

JUNKRAT: I LOVE TO DO THE FLOSS

ROADHOG: Can confirm

ROADHOG: He fortnite dances too much for his own good

JUNKRAT: BUT YOU LOVE IT ROADY

ROADHOG: Shut up

JUNKRAT: <3!!!

HANZO: F.

GENJI: wtf??? since when does hanzo say anything that isn't even remotely serious

GENJI: since when do you participate in MEMES

HANZO: Since now.

BRIGITTE: well today really is an off day isn't it

BRIGITTE: soldier is blind, ana is alive, and hanzo is participating in memes

BRIGITTE: can someone come slap me or something to make sure this isn't just some really vivid dream

D.VA: i can come kiss you instead!!!!!!!!!

BRIGITTE: oh my

MCCREE: GAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY

D.VA: HEY YOU CANT KNOCK A GIRL FOR TRYING

MCCREE: yes i can and i will

D.VA: SHUT UP MCCREE

MCCREE: understandable have a nice day

══════════════════

[PRIVATE CORRESPONDENCE]

BRIGITTE: if you really want to do that you can

D.VA: OH FOR REAL?????

BRIGITTE: yeah i'd like that

D.VA: BET!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

══════════════════

[D.VA] is now idle.

[BRIGITTE] is now idle.

MCCREE: im so proud of my gay children

Chapter Text

WINSTON: Soldier, I'm pleased to report the progress I've made on your new visor.

WINSTON: I've finally found a way to recreate your prescription.

WINSTON: We've taken a sheet of high-quality plastic that is usually used for making lens blanks, and enhanced it with the advanced technology that is readily available here.

WINSTON: The tests we've run so far have gone wonderfully. Now we will just need to shape the blanks to your form and engineer the prescription.

76: That's great news. When can I expect it to be done?

WINSTON: Unfortunately, we've found that the process takes quite some time, so it will be at least another week.

76: Damn.

76: Better late than never, I suppose.

WINSTON: On the bright side, we're also adding a new feature to your visor that allows for hyper-magnification, allowing you to zoom over 40x.

LÚCIO: so he will finally be able to see his dick when he looks down in the shower?

TRACER: HOLY SHIT

D.VA: LÚCIO OH MY GOD HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

MCCREE: STOP HES ALREADY BLIND HE DOESNT NEED THIS TOO

GENJI: it doesnt matter

GENJI: 40x wouldnt be enough anyways

REINHARDT: Ouch.

76: ...

[SOLDIER 76] is now idle.

BRIGITTE: why do i hear screaming?

BRIGITTE: is it soldier?

REINHARDT: Probably.

ANA: what a strange little man

ANA: i havent seen him with his visor on

ANA: but without it he reminds me of jack morrison

ANA: like a lot actually

TRACER: funny you mention that

TRACER: when he first joined the channel his communicators name was jack morrison

TRACER: he said he just "found it" but idk???

LÚCIO: yeah i mean

LÚCIO: if you were able to fake your death and hide out for years, who is to say that he cant do the same

ANA: oh shit u rite tho

[ANA] is now idle.

D.VA: wtf i hear rapid running down the hall

BRIGITTE: can confirm, it is very aggressive

PHARAH: Why do I hear yelling?

LÚCIO: pretty sure your mom is killing man

PHARAH: Sounds about right.

MERCY: Sigh. Guess I'll wait nearby with the caduceus staff.

[MERCY] is now idle.

SYMMETRA: What on earth was that explosion?

JUNKRAT: I HEARD VIOLENT THINGS HAPPENING

JUNKRAT: AND I WANTED TO JOIN IN

JUNKRAT: SO I BLEW UP THE TV IN THE COMMON ROOM

D.VA: ???????????? WTF

D.VA: WHY WOULD YOU DO THAT

JUNKRAT: IDK

ROADHOG: Idiot

ROADHOG: I'll go buy a new TV

[ROADHOG] is now idle.

JUNKRAT: OI MATE IM COMING

[JUNKRAT] is now idle.

MCCREE: so uh

MCCREE: hows the weather

[ANA] is no longer idle.

[SOLDIER 76] is no longer idle.

[MERCY] is no longer idle.

ANA: TELL THEM

ANA: TELL THEM NOW OR I WILL TOSS YOU LIKE A FUCKING FRISBEE

ANA: WHY HAVE YOU BEEN HIDING ALL THIS TIME JACK

PHARAH: Hypocrite.

ANA: STFU

76: I AM NOT JACK MORRISON! JACK MORRISON IS DEAD!

ANA: OKAY WELL YOU AND JACK ARE BOTH SHITTY LIARS SO JUST TELL THEM

76: WELL YOU NEVER CAUGHT WHEN I LIED TO YOU DURING THE UPRISING MISSION IN KING'S ROW!

TRACER: ...

REINHARDT: ...

TORBJÖRN: ...

MERCY: ...

WIDOWMAKER: Imbécile.

76: ... Shit.

ANA: SHIT IS RIGHT PUSSYBOY

ANA: YOURE ABOUT TO CATCH THESE HANDS

SYMMETRA: Well this has been a lovely discussion, but I'm afraid I will have to retreat to my quarters now. Goodbye.

[SYMMETRA] is now idle.

PHARAH: TAKE ME WITH YOU!

[PHARAH] is now idle.

MCCREE: gay

TRACER: what was that glass breaking?

MEI: I'm pretty sure she just tossed him out the window.

ZARYA: Indeed.

ZARYA: Mei and I saw it together.

MCCREE: ...gay?

ZARYA: I will break you.

MCCREE: understandable have a nice day

WINSTON: I put down my communicator for 5 minutes...

MERCY: Why on earth is she like this?

MERCY: Isn't she supposed to be a medic too?

MERCY: Some people...

[MERCY] is now idle.

D.VA: this day is amazing lol

══════════════════

A FEW HOURS LATER

══════════════════

WINSTON: Alright, Jack is in the medical wing currently recovering from his minor surgery to remove all the bits of broken glass that got lodged inside of him.

WINSTON: He should be better soon, but for now he will be asleep for quite a while.

WINSTON: Speaking of which... @MERCY, what kind of anesthesia did you use?

MERCY: I, erm, didn't use any... Ana sleep darted him.

ANA: guilty as charged

WINSTON: ...

GENJI: ana you are fucking iconic

ANA: bitch i know

WINSTON: Ana, I assume you'll be paying for the window that you destroyed?

ANA: lol no

WINSTON: ...

[ROADHOG] is no longer idle.

[JUNKRAT] is no longer idle.

JUNKRAT: WE ARE BACK WITH A NEW TV

JUNKRAT: THIS ONE IS BIGGER AND FANCIER THAN THE ONE BEFORE

JUNKRAT: YOURE WELCOME

D.VA: lit

D.VA: you are forgiven

ROADHOG: So what happened while we were gone

ROADHOG: I saw the shattered glass while parking

WINSTON: Soldier 76 was revealed to be Jack Morrison, who was thought to be dead. Ana didn't take it well.

ROADHOG: I see

ROADHOG: I can fix it

WINSTON: That would be greatly appreciated, thank you.

LÚCIO: okay lowkey roadhog is the most useful person in overwatch

GENJI: highkey

LÚCIO: okay yeah youre right

ROADHOG: I am used to cleaning up messes that other people have made

ROADHOG: When you're around Junkrat, it's a skill you have to pick up

JUNKRAT: LOVE YOU ROADY

[SOLDIER 76] is no longer idle.

76: What happened?

ANA: hello jack

ANA: it is lovely to see you

76: I am Jack Morrison!

76: I am Jack Morrison!

76: I am Jack Morrison!

76: What the hell? I'm trying to say I am Jack Morrison!

76: Jack Morrison

76: Is

76: D

76: E

76: A

76: D

76: I am Jack Morrison!

D.VA: wtf lol

WINSTON: I programmed his communicator so that whenever he tries to say "Jack Morrison is dead" or something similar, it will change.

GENJI: OMG WINSTON

TRACER: ICON!!!!!!!!!!!

LÚCIO: savage LMAO

REINHARDT: Jack, how could you do this?!

76: I AM NOT JACK MORRISON!

LÚCIO: your previous texts would state otherwise

76: FUCK YOU!

REINHARDT: I was there when you were buried!

REINHARDT: But you were never actually dead!

76: ... I'm sorry, Reinhardt.

76: But I had my reasons for doing what I did.

ANA: the reason is that you are a pussy

76: Glad to see you've never changed, Amari.

ANA: never have and never will

ANA: btw fuck you

76: I need to rest more. I'll deal with you later.

[SOLDIER 76] is now idle.

D.VA: so today was eventful

BRIGITTE: are you saying that because of jack or because you finally beat your time trial records in mario kart?

D.VA: yes

BRIGITTE: ... yes to which one?

D.VA: yes

Chapter Text

[SOLDIER 76] changed channel name to [INDEPENDENCE BITCHES]

76: HAPPY 4TH OF JULY!

76: GOD BLESS AMERICA!

D.VA: whats so special about today???

76: !!!!!

TRACER: its the day where america declared independence from us

TRACER: they shouldve just stayed with britain but ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

LÚCIO: i mean you realize youre the only one who cares about today right jack???

GENJI: yeah most of us arent even american

76: McCree is American!

MCCREE: i could not care less about the 4th of july

76: Well fuck you too then!

76: Regardless of what anyone else thinks about the holiday, I'd still like to celebrate with you all.

76: I will be hosting a barbecue and pool party today on site. I'll be grilling burgers and hot dogs!

LÚCIO: you had me at food

TRACER: such a silly holiday, but im down for celebration!

JUNKRAT: WILL THERE BE FIREWORKS

76: Of course, no 4th of July celebration is complete without them!

JUNKRAT: HELL YEAH

JUNKRAT: ME AND ROADY WILL BE THERE

MERCY: An evening at the pool does sound nice.

SYMMETRA: The weather will be pleasant as well. It would be lovely to spend the day outside.

WINSTON: Thank you for hosting a celebration, Jack! Do you need anything in preparation?

76: Just need to fire up the grill. I have already gone out and purchased everything I need for the food.

76: I also purchased some beers for us to share as well.

REINHARDT: BEER!

D.VA: ooo alcohol

D.VA: now youve got my attention!

76: None for you.

76: You are not of legal drinking age.

D.VA: bruh we arent even in america right now!!!! we are in fucking switzerland!!!!! the legal drinking age for beer is 16!!!!!!!!!!!!

76: Well today we are celebrating America, and in America the legal drinking age is 21. So no beer for you.

D.VA: no fair >:(

76: Deal with it.

76: Anyways, I'm going to start grilling so you all can feel free to meet me outside.

76: Make sure to put on your swimsuits!

WIDOWMAKER: May I attend?

76: I don't think I have a choice...

WIDOWMAKER: You are correct.

══════════════════

15 MINUTES LATER

══════════════════

ANA: jack you look stupid

76: It's my grilling outfit! I'm the Grillmaster!

REINHARDT: You look stupid.

76: Come on Reinhardt, I thought you'd love it! I mean look at the pun! "Raise the STEAKS"!

REINHARDT: I appreciate the pun, but you look foolish.

JUNKRAT: MATE IT SMELLS AMAZING ALREADY

JUNKRAT: NOTHING LIKE SOME GOOD OLD FASHIONED BARBECUE

76: Thanks, Junkrat. At least SOMEONE appreciates me.

76: How's everyone else doing?

GENJI: dva, brigitte, tracer, lúcio, roadhog, zarya and mei are all in the pool right now

GENJI: mercy, pharah, symmetra, hanzo, and widowmaker are all sunbathing

GENJI: reinhardt, ana, torbjörn, and mccree are drinking beers

GENJI: and winston is just kinda lounging i guess

76: How come you aren't swimming with your little friend group?

GENJI: i am over 75% metal

GENJI: i cannot swim

76: ... Right.

76: Alright everyone, the hot dogs and burgers are ready! I've got plenty of drinks in this cooler as well! Come eat up!

D.VA: okay i am going to be completely honest

D.VA: i wasnt expecting much from you

D.VA: but these are actually really good

HANZO: For such... an unsophisticated dish, it tastes remarkable.

WIDOWMAKER: Not as good as traditional French cuisine, but surprisingly delicious nonetheless.

ANA: knowing how you were with reyes, i shouldnt be surprised that you know your way around meat

76: ...

TRACER: LMFAOOOOOOOO

D.VA: ana holy shit

LÚCIO: jesus fucking christ HAHAHAHAHAHA

76: But thank you otherwise for the compliments.

76: As I said earlier, I am the grillmaster!

MERCY: You've really outdone yourself Jack, truly.

76: Thank you Angela :)

TRACER: awwwww he used a smiley face

TRACER: he really is happy right now

76: Of course I am! Celebrating this great holiday with good company, good food, and good beer!

SYMMETRA: Junkrat, are you writing?

JUNKRAT: YEAH

SYMMETRA: I'll be honest, I didn't know you could write.

JUNKRAT: ITS MY DIRE

SYMMETRA: Your... what?

JUNKRAT: ITS MY DIRE MATE

JUNKRAT: WHERE I WRITE ALL ABOUT ME AND MY LIFE

PHARAH: ... Diary?

JUNKRAT: DIRE YOU NUMBNUTS

ROADHOG: I just looked over his shoulder

ROADHOG: The writing just says

ROADHOG: "DEAR DIRE GESS WHAT! 'WHAT?' TODAY IS 4TH OF JULIE! GOOD BY 2007 HELLO 2008!"

LÚCIO: LOOOOOOOOOL

D.VA: JUNKRAT I WOULD DIE FOR YOU HONESTLY

JUNKRAT: COOL

SYMMETRA: Words of a poet.

ZARYA: Brilliant.

76: That's... not what 4th of July is...

JUNKRAT: WHAT DO YOU MEAN

ROADHOG: Idiot

76: ... Nevermind. I'll let you enjoy yourself.

76: Speaking of things Junkrat will enjoy... who is ready for some fireworks?

JUNKRAT: !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

76: Here are some sparklers for everyone while I get the big guys out!

D.VA: these are cute lol

LÚCIO: the actual fireworks will be better

WIDOWMAKER: What is the point of these?

MCCREE: they are just little sparkly things that americans like to use to entertain themselves on the 4th of july each year

WIDOWMAKER: I do not understand.

MCCREE: meh neither do i

MEI: What was that?

76: That was the first of the fireworks! Here come the rest!

D.VA: OOOO PRETTY

BRIGITTE: like you

MCCREE: GAY

SYMMETRA: The fireworks are bright, but none come close to the light you've brought to my life.

PHARAH: And the same could be said for you, Satya.

MCCREE: GAAAAAAAAAY

HANZO: There is no one else I'd rather be spending this evening with.

MCCREE: GAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAYYYYYYYY

MCCREE: wait who are you talking to hanzo

HANZO: You.

MCCREE: oh

D.VA: GAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

MCCREE: shut up

REINHARDT: Ana, you are just as lovely as the last time I saw you.

ANA: same can be said for you big boi

MCCREE: ............ HETERO

LÚCIO: gross all the couples are kissing now

GENJI: imagine being in a relationship

LÚCIO: couldnt be us!!!!!

GENJI: yeah we are both single and have no attraction to anyone else currently!!!!!!!

LÚCIO: hahahaha thats right

GENJI: yes!

LÚCIO: ...

GENJI: ...

D.VA: WTF ARE LÚCIO AND GENJI KISSING RN??????????

MCCREE: HOLY SHIT GAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

ZARYA: These fireworks are tiny and disappointing.

ZARYA: Most things that are tiny are quite disappointing to me.

ZARYA: Except for you, Mei. I will carry my tiny girlfriend in my arms.

TRACER: yeah these fireworks were a bit underwhelming but its okay!!!! because we had fun!!!!!!!!!

76: I did the best I could. Thank you all for comi-

76: Junkrat, what do you have?

JUNKRAT: YOUR FIREWORKS WERE SMALL AND THEY SUCKED!!!!!

JUNKRAT: SO I BROUGHT MY OWN HOMEMADE FIREWORKS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

WINSTON: Oh dear, please don't-

JUNKRAT: FIRE IN THE HOLE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

══════════════════

15 MINUTES LATER

══════════════════

WINSTON: Well, that could have gone better.

WINSTON: Our outdoor lounging area is practically destroyed. It will take weeks to repair.

WINSTON: ... But at the same time, it could've gone a lot worse as well.

MERCY: As chaotic as the night's end was... I had a great time this evening. And thankfully no one was hurt.

MCCREE: thanks for the party jack

MCCREE: you should let loose more often

HANZO: I agree with Jesse.

D.VA: yeah then more people would like you lol

D.VA: but yeah thanks for everything tonight

BRIGITTE: it was awesome!

JUNKRAT: YEAH MATE TONIGHT WAS FUN

ROADHOG: Yeah thanks

SYMMETRA: Despite being somewhat noisy and crowded... tonight was very enjoyable.

PHARAH: We loved it.

ANA: finally pulled that branch out ur ass and threw a nice party

REINHARDT: What she is trying to say is that she had a wonderful time.

TORBJÖRN: I didn't know you had it in ya, Jack!

ZARYA: Aside from your puny fireworks, we had a good time.

MEI: I didn't mind the fireworks so much... but it was fun!

GENJI: i barely did anything tonight but it was lit

LÚCIO: yeah you did great jack

ANA: for once

76: Thank you all, it means a lot. I'm glad I could do this for us.

76: Hopefully none of you are too shitfaced, because we have a mission tomorrow morning.

MCCREE: shit

76: Good luck.

76: Good night, everyone, and thank you for coming. :)

Chapter Text

[TRACER] changed channel name to [NO LONGER INDEPENDENCE BITCHES].

TRACER: alright luvs

TRACER: funs over

TRACER: no more celebrating your weird american holiday

D.VA: its fine

D.VA: we can find something else obscure to celebrate

WINSTON: Remember, we have a mission today. Unfortunately neither McCree nor Hanzo will be on the mission today.

GENJI: gay

WINSTON: Well, yes, but no.

WINSTON: Jesse is still hungover from last night's celebrations, and Hanzo has opted to stay back to take care of him.

LÚCIO: so... gay

WINSTON: Whatever you want to believe.

WINSTON: Luckily, we've finished Jack's new visor ahead of schedule, so he will be able to lead you on today's mission.

D.VA: LAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAME

76: I can tell how excited you are for me to be joining you today.

LÚCIO: whatever man lol

LÚCIO: what are we even doing today

WINSTON: You'll be conducting a raid on one of Talon's bases of operations to see what sorts of technology they're planning to use against us.

TRACER: isnt there literally still a talon agent in this chat

WIDOWMAKER: Oui.

WINSTON: She's been in here this long already and hasn't used any of the information in this channel to foil our plans yet.

GENJI: yeah but how many missions have we gone on since she has joined this channel

76: Not enough.

76: Just quit yapping, there's work to be done.

TRACER: booooooring

TRACER: meet me on the orca then wanker

TRACER: and the rest of you as well!!!!

WINSTON: By the way, before you all leave, I've recruited a new agent who will assist you all on this mission.

[WINSTON] added [JEAN-BAPTISTE AUGUSTIN] to [NO LONGER INDEPENDENCE BITCHES].

BAPTISTE: Hello everyone! I am glad to be helping assist Overwatch.

WINSTON: Baptiste here is an ex-Talon agent, and is able to provide any insider information to help us with today's mission.

D.VA: ooo ex talon

D.VA: spicy

WINSTON: I'll now be setting all of your communicators on speech-to-text mode. Keep me updated, and I'll help you as best as I can. And over everything, please just behave yourselves for once.

♩ TRACER: Aye aye, Captain!

♩ TRACER: Disgusting, proper capitalization and grammar.

♩ D.VA: Thanks, I hate it.

♩ LÚCIO: Is there no way to disable that?

♩ WINSTON: If it's really that important...

♩ WINSTON: Athena, please translate their messages into their usual typing mannerisms.

[Will do, Winston.]

♩ GENJI: what the fuck athena is just... just there???

[Yes, Genji.]

♩ LÚCIO: wack

♩ 76: Is everyone on board?

♩ GENJI: i am here with lúcio

♩ D.VA: im here as well

♩ BAPTISTE: I'm here.

♩ REINHARDT: Let us prove ourselves in glorious combat!

♩ MERCY: Present.

♩ D.VA: wait why is mercy coming

♩ 76: Because I don't trust you guys to not kill yourselves out there.

♩ LÚCIO: understandable have a nice day

♩ TRACER: looks like everyone is here, taking off now!

♩ WINSTON: Good luck out there.

══════════════════

30 MINUTES LATER

══════════════════

♩ TRACER: approaching our destination now

♩ TRACER: just need to clear a spot to land

♩ WINSTON: Sounds good, excellent work Lena. Jack, are you ready?

♩ 76: Ready as I'll ever be.

♩ TRACER: landing now!

♩ 76: Reinhardt, go with Genji and Mercy to clear a path.

♩ REINHARDT: Yes sir!

♩ 76: Hana, go scope out the area with Lena and Baptiste.

♩ D.VA: a "please" would be nice

♩ 76: HANA.

♩ D.VA: ok mr grumpypants jeez

♩ 76: Lúcio, stick with me. We're going to find the best way to enter the facility.

♩ LÚCIO: k

♩ D.VA: there are talon agents all over the place

♩ BAPTISTE: Sounds about right.

♩ BAPTISTE: Seems like nothing much has changed since I was last here.

♩ TRACER: reinhardt, hope youve got your hammer ready

♩ REINHARDT: Of course I do!

♩ MERCY: I've got my staff ready as well, just in case.

♩ GENJI: i need healing

♩ MERCY: ... We haven't even fought anyone yet.

♩ GENJI: i

♩ GENJI: need

♩ GENJI: healing

♩ MERCY: ...

♩ 76: Lúcio, any luck finding an entrance?

♩ LÚCIO: yeah theres a little hatch here

♩ LÚCIO: lemme just slide in there like i slid into genjis dms

♩ 76: ...

♩ LÚCIO: wtf widowmaker is that you down there???

WIDOWMAKER: Hello.

♩ REINHARDT: HAMMER DOWN!!!

WIDOWMAKER: What on earth was that?

♩ 76: That was Reinhardt.

WIDOWMAKER: Why is he like this?

♩ REINHARDT: GOOD QUESTION!

♩ MERCY: They're all over me!

♩ GENJI: damage boost me angela i got this

♩ MERCY: If you say so...

♩ MERCY: Powered up.

♩ GENJI: RYŪJIN NO KEN WO KURAE!!!

♩ D.VA: seems like theyre having a fun time down there

[Warning: System firewall breached. Virus detected.]

♩ WINSTON: What on earth?

♩ WINSTON: Athena, shut down.

[Attempting system shut down...]

[System shut down unsuccessful.]

[Shall I tr̸̺̦͔͍̫̳͂͗̈́̏̍͠ͅy̸̡͓̲͔̦̰̱̭͎͙̓̈̾͗̊͛͝ ̸̢̢̩͎̩̟̜̳̝̮͇̗̈́̋ͅa̷̱͔̲̤̫͔̐̽̃̕͝ģ̴̧̧̡̨̡̡̞̮̗̺̯̺̼̫̲̞͕̮̦̟̖̭̬͉̩̗̬̫̙̺̪̺̣̣͙̹̗̦̆̅̒͐̽̅̆̀͐̓̐̒̎͆͛̄̉̆͌͐̃̑͑̓̿͆̃̽̇̔̈̈́̐̇̚̕͜͜͠͝͝ͅą̵̢̨̧̢̛̟͉̳͔̜̫̬͇̦̮̥͖̬͕̥͙̱͇͔̥̺̤͙̺̩̜̹̬̹̦̖̻̖̳̞̙͙̟̳̰̣͕̬͔͚̫̗̭̽̌͗̎̆͒̅̿̉͌̋̂̚͜͜͜͜͝i̵̢̛͎̝̖̻̙̩̙̣̜̰͔͍͉͈̙̜̗̟̬͍̥͇̼̤̭̒̋͑͑̏͐̐̽̿̒͂͌̒̈́̃̂̃͊̾͌̊̐̽̊̋̐͆̅̆͒̒̃̈́̈́̐͒̚͘͘͝n̷̢̢̧̪̖̗̯͍̪̙̫̼̜̜͈͚̰̼̲͔͚̣̉͐̾͑̂̾̊͐͐̀̿̑̈́̀̈́̌̽͂̎̋̆̿̂̓̒͘͘̚͝͝?̵̢̧̨̧̛̲͔̻̹͖̝̤͇̹̺̫̼̦̙͎͖̱̻̦̱̘̩̻͔̒̑͒̂͌̃̔̐̐̓͊̃̏̉̄̄͘̕̚ͅ]

♩ WINSTON: Athena? Athena!

♩ LÚCIO: hmmmm

♩ LÚCIO: that seems unfortunate

₴̴̧̢̗̬͎̙̪͍̦̮̯͍̜̪̣̺̝̭̯̠̙̦͕̬̟͕̖͒̈́͑̃̓̒͊̕͝ͅØ̶̛̝̳͚̥̼̱̗͒̀̈͊̉̈̅͛͒̇̏̉̏͌̿́͐̂̌̓̾̑̀̚̚̚͘͝͝₥̸̠̒̈͋͒̇̃̈́͐ͅ฿̷̨̛̻̟̙̯͓͕̗̱̻͙͚̩̺͓̼͉͖͚̻̔͑̏͘͜Ɽ̶̧͓̦̯͙̺̗̺̣͕̬̝͉̞͆̉͆₳̴̦̹͚̣̬̺̘̥͎̙̃̆: almost......

₴̶̡̾͝Ø̴̞̬̔₥̸̖̻̇฿̶̢͌Ɽ̶͇̖̅₳̵͇͖͆̌: establishing connection....

₴Ø₥฿Ɽ₳: just a little bit more.....

SOMBRA: thereeeee we go

♩ 76: Who the hell are you?

♩ WINSTON: And how did you get in this chat room?

SOMBRA: i am sombra and i am just the best hacker in the wooooooorld

♩ BAPTISTE: Hello, Sombra.

SOMBRA: bappy!!! figured you couldnt stay away from me for long huh amigo ;)

♩ BAPTISTE: Right.

SOMBRA: now how about we liven up the party a little bit?

[SOMBRA] added [AKANDE OGUNDIMU], [GABRIEL REYES], [MOIRA O'DEORAIN], and [SIEBREN DE KUIPER] to [NO LONGER INDEPENDENCE BITCHES].

[AKANDE OGUNDIMU] changed display name to [DOOMFIST].

[GABRIEL REYES] changed display name to [REAPER].

[SIEBREN DE KUIPER] changed display name to [SIGMA].

WIDOWMAKER: Why would you invite them to this?

SOMBRA: cause i thought it would be funny lol

SIGMA: What... is this? How do I use this thing?

REAPER: Aren't you supposed to be an astrophysicist?

SIGMA: Does this look like it's related to astrophysics at all to you?

REAPER: Surely it can't be THAT hard for you to figure out.

DOOMFIST: What is this?

REAPER: For fucks sake.

MOIRA: Idiots.

SOMBRA: case in point lol

REAPER: Sombra, why are you like this?

SOMBRA: why not????

♩ 76: Reyes...

REAPER: Well, if it isn't my good friend Jack Morrison. How has the vigilante life treated you?

♩ 76: How has being a living ghost worked out for you?

REAPER: Hey, this wasn't MY DECISION.

MOIRA: Oh, I only saved your life, Reyes.

♩ GENJI: moira??? like the moira from blackwatch days????

MOIRA: The very one.

♩ MERCY: And a disgraceful geneticist at that.

MOIRA: Ah, I see you're still holding on to that darling guardian angel persona of yours. Tell me, Dr. Ziegler, how has that worked out for you?

♩ MERCY: Surely it's worked out better for me playing the role of the guardian angel than for you being disavowed by practically every major scientific organization on the planet.

MOIRA: And yet I've still found my calling at Oasis.

♩ MERCY: They must all be as bent in the mind as you are.

♩ LÚCIO: not to interrupt your reunions and whatnot but uh

♩ LÚCIO: i need help carrying some heavy shit

♩ REINHARDT: I WILL HELP!

♩ D.VA: can you even bend over to pick things up reinhardt?

♩ REINHARDT: Do not question me!

DOOMFIST: Is anyone even going to try and stop them from stealing whatever it is that he found?

SOMBRA: lol no

WIDOWMAKER: What is the point? Surely whatever they found is not that important.

REAPER: You'll regret saying that, I guarantee it.

♩ REINHARDT: HOLY SHIT THIS IS HEAVY!!!

♩ LÚCIO: i told you?????????

♩ 76: What even is it?

♩ LÚCIO: a huge metal crate

♩ LÚCIO: idk whats in it but seems like it has important stuff in it

♩ LÚCIO: you know since it has "IMPORTANT STUFF" on the side of it in a big red label

REAPER: Shit, is that what I think it is?

WIDOWMAKER: I sincerely doubt they will have much use for it anyways.

DOOMFIST: You better be right, Lacroix.

♩ 76: Everyone, retreat to the ship now!

♩ TRACER: one step ahead of you!

♩ GENJI: whats in the box!!!!!!!!!

♩ 76: We don't have time to check right now. We'll need to save it for when we're back on base.

♩ D.VA: LAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAME

♩ BAPTISTE: I'm pretty sure I know what it is.

DOOMFIST: Great, they have Baptiste with them now?

MOIRA: It's not like he was much use to us in Talon anyways.

♩ BAPTISTE: Hey!

WIDOWMAKER: I don't blame him. Overwatch is more organized than Talon will ever be.

REAPER: Hey!

♩ TRACER: all aboard the orca! this is your captain speaking! we are beginning take off!

♩ WINSTON: I'll meet you all back at base.

Chapter Text

WINSTON: Alright, is everyone here?

WINSTON: Reinhardt brought the crate to my lab, and I'm going to crack it open.

D.VA: oooo like an unboxing video on youtube

WINSTON: Not... quite.

WINSTON: Anyways, let's just get into this...

WINSTON: ...

WINSTON: What on earth?

WINSTON: Why would Talon utilize these...

TRACER: what is it what is it what is it!!!

WINSTON: It's... one moment, please.

[WINSTON] is now idle.

LÚCIO: damn really gotta leave us on a cliffhanger like that man???

MCCREE: howdy folks

MCCREE: my head hurts like hell

HANZO: How did the mission go?

GENJI: we found a really big box and winston opened it but didnt tell us whats inside of it yet

GENJI: he just left

HANZO: Interesting.

TRACER: oi its some fucking omnics!!!!!!!!

LÚCIO: bitch what????

[WINSTON] is no longer idle.

WINSTON: Lena, what have I told you about blinking into my lab?

TRACER: i wanted to see what was in the crate!!!!!!!

WINSTON: ...

WINSTON: But yes, they are omnics. I'm just not sure how they work.

TRACER: have you tried flipping the big power switches on their backs???

WINSTON: ...

GENJI: winston i thought you were supposed to be a scientist LMAO

WINSTON: Don't look at me.

D.VA: LOOOOL gg

WINSTON: How interesting... it looks like both of them have communicators built into their systems.

LÚCIO: OMG BITCH INVITE THEM

[WINSTON] added [TEKHARTHA ZENYATTA] and [SST Laboratories Siege Automaton E54] to [NO LONGER INDEPENDENCE BITCHES].

ZENYATTA: Greetings.

GENJI: MASTER??? WTF??????

ZENYATTA: Hello, Genji. It is lovely to see you.

HANZO: Genji, this is your master?

ZENYATTA: Ah, the one who tried to kill you, I presume.

GENJI: the very one

HANZO: I didn't want to...

ZENYATTA: It is in the past, my friend. Peace be upon you.

D.VA: are we not going to discuss the other one? what is "SST Laboratories Siege Automaton E54"?????

SST Laboratories Siege Automaton E54: !!!

[SST Laboratories Siege Automaton E54] changed display name to [BASTION].

BASTION: (✿◠‿◠)

D.VA: okay that is much easier to say

D.VA: also that face is adorable wtf????

BASTION: (ﾉ◕ヮ◕)ﾉ*:･ﾟ✧

TRACER: omg hes sooooo cute!!!! hes like a little omnic puppy!!!!!!!!

BASTION: (▰˘◡˘▰)

JUNKRAT: OI I HEARD THERE WERE SOME FUCKIN OMNICS HERE

JUNKRAT: DIME A FUCKIN DOZEN THOSE FUCKIN BOTS ARE

JUNKRAT: LET ME AT THEM

BASTION: （ΩДΩ）

D.VA: DO NOT LAY A HAND ON THEM RAT BOY

D.VA: I WILL FUCKING KILL YOU

BASTION: (ง •̀ω•́)ง✧

ROADHOG: Sorry

ROADHOG: We just have had bad experiences with omnics

TRACER: bastion seems so harmless!!!!!

D.VA: hes baby

BASTION: (◕ᴥ◕)

GENJI: omg is that a bear

GENJI: hes adorable

ZENYATTA: He seems to really appreciate all of the (mostly) positive attention he is receiving.

BRIGITTE: wait, so i have a question

BRIGITTE: if the communicators are built into your systems, you can't type, can you? how are you communicating with us?

ZENYATTA: We must simply think about what we want to say and it will automatically be transcribed into the chat.

BRIGITTE: cool!

BASTION: (≧∀≦ゞ

ZARYA: What is this I am hearing about omnics on base?

ZARYA: I have killed many omnics before.

ZARYA: I will not hesitate to do it again.

BASTION: ༼✿◕ᗜ◕༽┌∩┐

LÚCIO: OMG IS THAT A MIDDLE FINGER EMOTE

D.VA: HOLY SHIT BASTION IS SO ADORABLY SAVAGE LOL

MEI: Zarya, I think it's fine. Bastion seems very friendly!

MEI: I decided to go meet Bastion and Zenyatta for myself in Winston's lab, and I brought Snowball with me. They are all getting along very well!

ZARYA: ... I suppose if Mei is okay with them, then I am okay with them. For now.

BASTION: ☜╮(´ิ∀´ิ☜╮)

[LÚCIO] changed channel name to [OMNICS ARE THE BOMBNICS].

REAPER: I see you've discovered our scraps.

BASTION: (ಠ ∩ಠ)

BRIGITTE: why did you even capture them? what was the point?

SOMBRA: we were intending on breaking them apart and using their artificial intelligence for our own technology

D.VA: uhhh sombra wtf???? how did you get on base?????

SOMBRA: i threw a beacon on your ship before you took off and translocated lol

WINSTON: ... Well, it wouldn't be the first time we've had a Talon agent randomly bunker at our headquarters.

WIDOWMAKER: Guilty as charged.

SOMBRA: this place seems a lot nicer than talons headquarters thats for sure

SOMBRA: i might just have to live here full time

WINSTON: Sigh... we have several extra rooms that aren't being used. If you so desperately would like to move here instead, as long as you have no malicious intentions, I won't stop you.

SOMBRA: good because you wouldnt have had a choice either way lol

WINSTON: Unfortunately, I am aware.

WIDOWMAKER: I would like the room next to hers.

DOOMFIST: You're... both kidding me right now, right?

REAPER: You're both still Talon agents, you know.

WIDOWMAKER: When was the last time I even did anything Talon related?

SOMBRA: same lol

REAPER: We literally just finished a mission!

SOMBRA: yeah but did me and amélie do anything??????

WIDOWMAKER. Non.

MOIRA: No wonder our organization is falling apart at the seams.

DOOMFIST: I didn't ask for your opinion.

MOIRA: No one said I was waiting for you to ask, Akande.

MOIRA: So tell me, Winston, what are the science facilities at Zürich like?

WINSTON: We harness tons of state of the art technology for our scientists to take advantage of for any of their projects.

WINSTON: We also have plenty of funding at our disposal, so if we don't have a specific tool or specimen, we can probably get it.

MOIRA: You have my attention.

REAPER: MOIRA!

MOIRA: I only joined Talon for the funding, and you've barely given me much of anything that is of any use to me.

REAPER: For fucks sake...

ANA: reyes

ANA: why do you type like that????

ANA: fucking edgelord

REAPER: I'm NOT an edgelord!

ANA: yes the fuck you are lol

REAPER: Go lose your other eye in a sniper duel!

ANA: go actually die in an explosion lmao

REINHARDT: Savage!

ZENYATTA: While I usually do not condone excessive amounts of violence, this seems acceptable to me.

BASTION: (b^_^)b

DOOMFIST: Sometimes, I find myself agreeing with the Overwatch agents.

DOOMFIST: This is one of those times.

REAPER: You're supposed to be on my side!

DOOMFIST: I am not on anyone's side. I work for my own agenda.

REAPER: I helped break you out of fucking prison! It was more difficult than breaking Sigma out of that fucking asylum!

SIGMA: You did what now?

DOOMFIST: It wasn't necessary. Appreciated, but unnecessary nonetheless.

REAPER: Ugh!

76: Reyes throwing hissy fits over trivial issues. Nothing I haven't seen before.

REAPER: Fuck you!

76: Here? Now?

GENJI: someone come get yalls dilfs

D.VA: LMFAO

TRACER: GENJI SHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

REAPER: I can't fucking stand any of you.

Chapter Text

[WINSTON] created private group with [MCCREE] and [ORISA].

MCCREE: why

WINSTON: Because you can't behave yourself.

MCCREE: what do you mean!!!!!!

WINSTON: I had to do some heavy convincing for Orisa to not turn you into the appropriate authorities.

MCCREE: what did i even do????

WINSTON: Do you forget you're an internationally wanted outlaw?

MCCREE: honestly yes.

ORISA: Thank you for inviting me to chat, Winston.

ORISA: I hope you can understand why I was wanting to turn Jesse McCree in. The reward for his capture is $60,000,000, which is more than enough to cover Efi's grant money.

WINSTON: And such is to be expected - you are looking out for her. She is a bright, talented young mind, wise beyond her years.

WINSTON: I know how important it is to you for her to continue learning and growing in her extensive knowledge and creativity.

WINSTON: However, I cannot let Jesse get arrested while he is officially under contract for Overwatch. So, I had a compromise that would be beneficial for all of us.

MCCREE: highly doubtful but go on

ORISA: I am listening, Winston.

WINSTON: You and Efi can work for Overwatch. We will work towards paying off her grant as well as sending all of the resources she would ever need to Numbani.

WINSTON: That way, we can still help Efi work towards her goals, and Jesse can still work with us at Overwatch.

ORISA: It sounds tempting. Would we be required to relocate to Zürich? Efi still needs to receive her education in Numbani.

WINSTON: No. You and her can both work remotely. My only request would be that you join our communications channel with our other agents.

WINSTON: If we ever feel like we'll need you for a mission, we can fly to Numbani on the Orca and pick you up.

ORISA: That sounds wonderful. However, I would like to join the communications channel by myself instead of both me and Efi joining together.

ORISA: I do not know what your agents are like behind closed doors and would like to preserve Efi's innocence. Plus, I don't want her to have any distractions.

WINSTON: As long as you pass on important information to her, that is fine!

ORISA: Golden! I will inform Efi of the news as soon as possible. Thank you for this chat, Winston.

WINSTON: You as well! I'll get all of the official paperwork sent your way.

WINSTON: And I'll be sure to impose new rules to keep McCree on his best behavior.

MCCREE: HEY >:(

ORISA: Much appreciated!

══════════════════

D.VA: hey mccree i heard you almost got arrested today lol

HANZO: He what!?

MCCREE: heh

LÚCIO: what on earth did you do???

MCCREE: i wanted cheese puffs

GENJI: so????

MCCREE: so i went to the store to buy some

HANZO: How does this lead to you almost getting arrested?

WINSTON: He forgot that he is an internationally wanted outlaw.

MCCREE: yeah that

TRACER: lmao mccree luv youre so stupid

MCCREE: i am aware

BAPTISTE: Wait, so - almost arrested? How did you get out of that one then?

WINSTON: Well, I am sure you've all heard of Efi Oladele and her crowning achievement of creating the OR-15 unit Orisa, yes?

BAPTISTE: Indeed. She is a brilliant young woman.

WINSTON: Agreed. Well, the one who found McCree and threatened to turn him in was Orisa.

TRACER: ????? what is she doing in switzerland????

WINSTON: Honestly, I'm not sure. It probably has something to do with accessing different materials for Efi to use for her inventions.

WINSTON: Regardless, it took a lot of convincing for Orisa to not turn Jesse in on the spot.

BAPTISTE: What made her decide not to?

WINSTON: I have invited her and Efi to work for Overwatch remotely. They will both stay stationed in Numbani.

D.VA: OOOO WILL ORISA JOIN THE CHANNEL

WINSTON: Yes, actually! Thanks for reminding me.

[WINSTON] added [ORISA] to [OMNICS ARE THE BOMBNICS].

TRACER: welcome to overwatch luv!

ORISA: Thank you, I am glad to be here. I look forward to working with you all!

DOOMFIST: Ah, the OR-15 unit I defeated back in Numbani. Have you not had enough?

ORISA: Oh my, I was not expecting Akande to be in here. Please, everyone, excuse my language in my next message.

ORISA: @DOOMFIST Go fuck yourself.

DOOMFIST: ...

LÚCIO: LOOOOOOL

D.VA: ORISA I NEED YOU TO KNOW THAT I WOULD DIE FOR YOU

D.VA: I LOVE YOU SO MUCH

ORISA: The sentiment is appreciated, Miss D.va, but please do not die for me. Your safety is my primary concern.

JUNKRAT: OI WINSTON

WINSTON: Yes, Junkrat?

JUNKRAT: SORRY IF THIS SEEMS LIKE A BAD TIME

JUNKRAT: INVITING A NEW MEMBER TO OVERWATCH AND ALL

JUNKRAT: BUT A HAMSTER IN A REALLY FUCKING BIG BALL JUST SHOWED UP AND IS ASKING ABOUT YOU

WINSTON: What on earth are you talking about?

ROADHOG: Usually I would chalk this up to him being an idiot but he is actually telling the truth

ROADHOG: He says his name is Hammond

WINSTON: LET. HIM. IN!!!!!!!!!!

TRACER: winston bud are you okay????

ROADHOG: I just saw him leap past me to the door

SIGMA: If I am remembering correctly, Winston and Hammond both stem from Dr. Harold Winston's experimentation in the Horizon Lunar Colony.

GENJI: how do you know about that?

SIGMA: Dr. Winston was a good friend of mine. I remember hearing him talk about Winston and Hammon frequently. He always spoke very highly of them!

D.VA: so you were on the moon?

SIGMA: Indeed I was! It truly is a magnificent sight to behold. It's breathtakingly beautiful... and also quite cold.

MOIRA: You never told me you were on the moon, Dr. de Kuiper. I take it this was before your black hole mishap?

SIGMA: You are correct. I took a trip to the moon to study its effects on gravity. A necessary step in order to progress in my research.

WINSTON: Sorry about that, everyone, but I have someone I'd like you all to meet.

[WINSTON] added [HAMMOND] to [OMNICS ARE THE BOMBNICS].

HAMMOND: Hello there, everyone.

SYMMETRA: You said he is a hamster, right? And he can talk?

HAMMOND: I am not physically capable of typing, but the ball-mech that I use to travel around is able to translate my thoughts into coherent sentences.

PHARAH: Does your mech share similar technology with the likes of Bastion and Zenyatta, where they have communicators built into them?

HAMMOND: Yes, indeed. My communicator is built into my mech.

WINSTON: I am glad to see you all taking a fascination in Hammond! He will also be joining Overwatch, effective immediately.

MERCY: With all due respect, Hammond - how did you even find Winston?

HAMMOND: Well, once I escaped from the moon, I crash-landed in Junkertown, Australia. I was left to fend for myself, and I used the various bits of scrap metal that I located to build my mech.

HAMMOND: While building my mech, I incorporated a global positioning system as well as a live news feed. I knew Winston had gone on to do great things, so when I saw he was in Overwatch I was not surprised.

HAMMOND: I eventually saw on the news that Overwatch had been officially reinstated and the Petras Act lifted, and that all official Overwatch operations were taking place at their headquarters in Zürich. I used my global positioning system to locate the general area of said headquarters and used my mech to travel here.

BRIGITTE: how did you ever get past our security?

D.VA: yeah and didnt people ever stop and question you? like "hey whats this hamster in a huge fucking ball doing"?

HAMMOND: I did get stopped and questioned quite frequently, yes. I mostly ignored the questions and kept rolling away.

HAMMOND: As for your security, I was able to get past their defenses without them noticing me. My mech has a built-in grappling hook that I used to launch myself over the defensive barriers placed around the base.

MEI: Oh, so THAT'S what that loud noise was!

ZARYA: That also explains the large crater outside.

SYMMETRA: How on earth could they have not noticed that?

HAMMOND: I'm sure they noticed the noise and the crater, but by the time they had gone to investigate, I was already at the entrance being greeted by the two trash men.

LÚCIO: the two trash men LOL

LÚCIO: he learns quickly

SYMMETRA: It seems that both of Overwatch's new recruits are both incredibly intelligent but radiating with chaotic energy.

SYMMETRA: They will fit right in.

Chapter Text

[LÚCIO] changed channel name to [LÚCIO CORREIA DOS SANTOS THE SCIENCE GUY]

LÚCIO: alright yall

LÚCIO: ive got a question for you

LÚCIO: its for scientific related purposes

LÚCIO: would you fuck a clone of yourself

D.VA: what the fuck?

GENJI: ????????????

LÚCIO: would you

LÚCIO: or would you not

LÚCIO: fuck a clone of yourself

PHARAH: Literally what?

PHARAH: What does this have to do with science?

LÚCIO: yes

LÚCIO: OH ALSO BEFORE YOU ANSWER

LÚCIO: a few things to note

TRACER: alright go on

LÚCIO: the clone is your age and identical to you. it is fully sentient. no one would ever know aside from yourself and your clone. and your clone would also be 100% consenting to it

MERCY: Why is this a scenario you've played out in your head?

LÚCIO: SCIENCE

TRACER: its basically the same as masturbating right? so no big deal

WINSTON: No Lena, it's not the same as masturbating! It'd be like having sex with your twin. Wrong and bad!

MCCREE: i cant believe you got winston to respond to this

D.VA: winston LOOOL

MERCY: Yeah, I didn't think I'd see the day where Winston entered himself into a conversation about fucking your clone.

LÚCIO: i honestly wasnt expecting him to respond so that just made this so much better

GENJI: i dont want to fuck my clone because i fucking hate myself too much

MCCREE: okay mood

LÚCIO: you dont need a clone you have me

LÚCIO: NEXT ANSWER

GENJI: bruh

LÚCIO: N E X T

LÚCIO: A N S W E R

MCCREE: i would not have sex with my clone because what if my clone is evil?????????

MCCREE: like what if it wants to cut my head off during sex???? i cant handle that????????

MCCREE: what if i start a joint bank account with my clone and it steals all of our savings and runs off?????

ANA: just dont fucking start a joint bank account with your clone you fucking idiot

MCCREE: BUT WHAT IF??????

ANA: please shut up

MCCREE: yes maam

PHARAH: I cannot believe we are discussing this.

LÚCIO: well believe it because its happening

SOMRBA: id fuck my clone because who would know better how to fuck ME than ME??????

WIDOWMAKER: Me.

SOMBRA: shhhhhhhhhh

BAPTISTE: An interesting development since I was last affiliated with Talon.

MOIRA: Be glad you left before those two became an item. I have walked in on them one too many times.

WIDOWMAKER: Can you not just respect our privacy?

MOIRA: You were in the fucking common room.

SOMBRA: oh yeah lol

REAPER: We had to replace the couch after that.

BAPTISTE: The couch that was there for as long as that base has existed??? The burgundy one???

REAPER: Yes.

BAPTISTE: What on earth could they have possibly done to that couch to warrant throwing it out???

MOIRA: Trust me, Baptiste. You don't want to know.

DOOMFIST: I had to help carry the couch out to the trash. That was not a fun time for me.

REAPER: He wouldn't stop incessantly gagging.

SOMBRA: i remember that and it was so funny LOL

LÚCIO: spicy

D.VA: lmao at all this talon tea i love having them in here

MERCY: I would do it.

LÚCIO: what???

MERCY: Your question.

MERCY: I would do it.

PHARAH: Oh my god Angela you're really giving into this dumb question?

MERCY: I'd... want to see if I was any good in bed, that's all.

MCCREE: ????? arent you like almost 40 and youve had no way to tell in the past if you were any good??????

MERCY: I spent more time focusing on work than I ever focused on personal relationships.

GENJI: thats code for "no one wants to fuck an uptight doctor"

MERCY: Just remember that you said that to me the next time you need healing.

TRACER: congrats genji! you just guaranteed that she will never heal you again

D.VA: oh my god genji why would you say that to her LOL

GENJI: i am dating a healer i will live probably

LÚCIO: meh

LÚCIO: subject to change

GENJI: o

MCCREE: ouch

BAPTISTE: Well, worst case scenario... I am also a medic. I could heal you.

GENJI: at least SOMEONE here appreciates me

MERCY: Much to my dismay.

MOIRA: You could always come to Talon for healing, Genji.

MERCY: I still can't believe you are associated with Talon.

MERCY: I shouldn't be surprised given your little regard for human life, but yet here we are.

MOIRA: I do what I have to do in order to make strides in my scientific discoveries.

MOIRA: It's a shame, you're such a brilliant mind, but your pacifist world view on things really hinders your capabilities.

MERCY: ... Did you just compliment me?

MOIRA: However you'd like to interpret it.

76: I wouldn't fuck my clone. That's just weird.

TRACER: you dont need a clone love, youve got reaper!!!!

REAPER: No.

ANA: oh come on gabriel you remember how you and jack were back in the good old days

REAPER: I have no idea what you're talking about.

REINHARDT: I remember when it got so intense that Jack ended up in the medical wing for two weeks.

D.VA: he WHAT

SOMBRA: damn gabe, didnt think you had it in you

REAPER: Shut up.

JUNKRAT: I WOULD DO IT HONESTLY

JUNKRAT: I WOULD TO SOME TOTALLY WEIRD THINGS TO IT THAT ID BE TOO SCARED TO ASK ROADY TO DO

MCCREE: junkrat if roadhog did ANYTHING to you, you would fucking break

JUNKRAT: YOU DONT KNOW THAT MATE

ROADHOG: Shut up Jamie

JUNKRAT: LOVE YOU ROADY

ANA: you know what i would do?

76: Oh god.

ANA: not only would i have sex with my clone

ANA: i would make a shit ton of clones

ANA: and have sex with all of them at once

PHARAH: MOM WHAT THE FUCK?

D.VA: BAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

LÚCIO: HOLY SHIT LOL

BRIGITTE: hana is crying right now

BRIGITTE: shes laughing so hard that she is crying

TRACER: ANA I LOVE YOU OH MY GOD

ANA: i love you fareeha <3

ANA: but anyways having several is better than just one

PHARAH: HOLY SHIT PLEASE STOP

MCCREE: MAAM YOURE FUCKING OLD AS DUST PLEASE CEASE

D.VA: THIS COULD NOT GET ANY BETTER

WINSTON: I expect better from you, Ana.

ANA: well thats your first mistake donkey kong

WINSTON: ...

BRIGITTE: okay hana is just doubled over laughing right now

BRIGITTE: shes turning so red from laughing so much

BRIGITTE: i think she might explode

REINHARDT: Is one not enough?!

ANA: its more than enough when its you big boi

REINHARDT: That's what I thought!

PHARAH: WHY THE FUCK ARE YOU LIKE THIS?

PHARAH: WHY COULDN'T I HAVE A NORMAL MOTHER?

SYMMETRA: Fareeha just openly gagged when she read those last messages.

PHARAH: AND YOU LAUGHED AT ME.

SYMMETRA: It's quite amusing. :)

76: Well, today we learned more about Ana and Reinhardt than we ever needed to know.

LÚCIO: this is not the direction i expected this conversation to go but im so glad it did

GENJI: are you gonna answer the question?

LÚCIO: oh yeah guess i should

LÚCIO: well here's what i would do

[WINSTON] banned [LÚCIO] from the [LÚCIO CORREIA DOS SANTOS THE SCIENCE GUY].

D.VA: WINSTON!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

D.VA: HOLY FUCK JSOIADFJIOQEWJFILYHRT

WINSTON: Have a lovely rest of your day, folks.

Chapter Text

[PRIVATE CORRESPONDENCE]

MCCREE: dude

D.VA: what

MCCREE: hanzo is really sweet

MCCREE: we were chatting last night and i said out of nowhere "hanzo i would die for you"

MCCREE: and he said "i would die for you first"

MCCREE: like i dont want him to die but ??????? hes very sweet?????????????

D.VA: AWWWWWWWWWWWWW

D.VA: I WANNA TRY IT ON BRIGITTE

MCCREE: let me know how it goes partner

══════════════════

D.VA: @MCCREE so i think it wasnt as... special

MCCREE: what happened

D.VA: i went up to her and i said "i would die for you"

D.VA: and her fight or flight response kicked in before she was just like "PLEASE DO NOT"

D.VA: i feel bad because i freaked her out but its a little funny LOL

MCCREE: LOL poor brigitte

PHARAH: What's this about?

D.VA: we are telling our significant others that we would die for them to see their reactions

PHARAH: But... why?

MCCREE: well it started off because hanzo is a very sweet man

MCCREE: but apparently it can get some funny reactions from people

PHARAH: Hm.

[PHARAH] is now idle.

D.VA: omg is she going to tell symmetra LOL

MCCREE: oh this will be good

[PHARAH] is no longer idle.

PHARAH: I just...

PHARAH: I told Satya I'd die for her.

PHARAH: She just looked me in the eyes, said "cool", then kept ignoring me.

D.VA: LMAO

MCCREE: OOF SIZE LARGE

PHARAH: I wasn't expecting that reaction from her, but it was certainly amusing.

PHARAH: I do not love her any less.

ROADHOG: I think one time when I was high I told Jamie I'd die for him

ROADHOG: He just said "okay" and took another gigantic rip from his bong

ROADHOG: Then proceeded to run straight into a fucking wall

D.VA: WHAT THE FUCK??????? WHY IS HE SO CHAOTIC LMFAO

ROADHOG: I wish I knew, I love him but jesus fucking christ he is so stupid I can't comprehend it

PHARAH: But why did he run straight into a wall? He must have at least a little bit of rational thought to know better?

ROADHOG: No

PHARAH: Really? Is he that stupid?

ROADHOG: Yes

PHARAH: Unfortunate.

MOIRA: You're all an interesting lot, I'll give you that much.

MCCREE: okay lowkey i keep forgetting we have all of talon in here

MOIRA: I forget about my presence in here as well. I usually ignore most of your messages.

D.VA: thats probably for the best

MOIRA: But I decided to join in on this conversation because the reactions you have gained are quite amusing to me.

MOIRA: I also had my own contribution to share.

MCCREE: OH?????????

D.VA: what on earth could you possible contribute to this im-

MOIRA: Hey @MERCY.

MERCY: What do you want?

MOIRA: I would die for you.

MERCY: And you will. Goodbye.

[MERCY] is now idle.

MOIRA: ...

D.VA: SJALDJWEIOFJEQROGIJEIOGE

MCCREE: LMAO BITCH YOU BETTER RUN

MOIRA: She won't show up here.

PHARAH: Knowing her... I think she will.

MOIRA: We'll see when the time comes, I suppose.

LÚCIO: whats going on?

D.VA: we are telling our significant others that we would die for them to see their reactions

D.VA: its been really fucking funny

LÚCIO: wait... significant others

LÚCIO: @MERCY wtf?????????

[MERCY] is no longer idle.

MERCY: I have no romantic involvement with this cretin.

[MERCY] is now idle.

LÚCIO: LMAO

MCCREE: she is not holding anything back holy shit

MOIRA: Typical. Stubborn Ziegler.

LÚCIO: wait so hold on let me tell genji

[LÚCIO] is now idle.

D.VA: genji will either burst into tears or say that he would rather kill himself

MCCREE: that sounds accurate

PHARAH: Guess we'll find out soon enough.

MOIRA: Are these really the likes of your agents? No mental stability to be found?

PHARAH: Not really, no.

MOIRA: Huh. Almost as bad as Talon.

REAPER: Fuck you.

MOIRA: Hey, I said ALMOST.

[LÚCIO] is no longer idle.

MCCREE: howd it go????

LÚCIO: he burst into tears and said he would rather kill himself

D.VA: OMG

D.VA: BAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

D.VA: I WAS SPOT FUCKING ON

MOIRA: I thought she'd be exaggerating.

LÚCIO: i wish she was

MOIRA: You lot are a mess.

LÚCIO: oh hunty i know

MOIRA: Eh...? I'll... be back.

[MOIRA] is now idle.

REAPER: HOW DID THE WINGED BITCH GET HERE!?

D.VA: BITCH WHAT LMFAOSJDGOVIWEBIOWET

DOOMFIST: What has Moira done this time...

MCCREE: HOW DID SHE GET THERE SO FAST WTF

MCCREE: @MERCY ?????????????????????????????

[MERCY] is no longer idle.

MERCY: I'm no angel, bitch.

LÚCIO: HOOOOOOOOOOOLY SHIT IM HOWLING

REAPER: HOW DID YOU GET HERE?

MERCY: How did you live after the explosion?

REAPER: ...BESIDES THE POINT.

MERCY: Beside the point, huh? Not on the point? That's why you were always so useless during missions, Reyes.

MCCREE: SDJVIJQDIOFVJQEIOBJEQPOJPOEFJVEFPOASDJPO

D.VA: MERCY HOLY SHIT I LOVE YOU

MERCY: There she is! Off I go!

[MERCY] is now idle.

D.VA: okay straight up moira is just gonna fucking die

DOOMFIST: I think we'd be okay with that.

SIGMA: Now hold on a moment, Dr. O'Deorain is a brilliant scientist. It would be a great loss to Talon.

SIGMA: It's not like you can hold your own, Akande.

LÚCIO: DUDE EVEN SIGMA IS ROASTING YALL

LÚCIO: YOUR FUCKING TEAM IS FALLING APART MORE THAN US LOL

DOOMFIST: ... I don't want to talk about it.

REINHARDT: What on earth is going on here?

D.VA: i think mercy is about to kill a bitch

REINHARDT: Ah, I knew she had it in her!

REINHARDT: What started this anyways?

MCCREE: we were telling our significant others that we would die for them

MCCREE: to see their reactions

REINHARDT: Sounds like fun, let's give it a try!

REINHARDT: Hey, @ANA! I would die for you, my sweet!

ANA: then perish

[ANA] is now idle.

REINHARDT: Oh fuck

[REINHARDT] is now idle.

PHARAH: LOL MOM WHY ARE YOU LIKE THIS

D.VA: JSDIFEQGVERIOGHWEIORGVJWOIERJGFOEWIRJGHOEWIUGUOVWERO

MCCREE: reinhardt is going to die too holy shit

MCCREE: @SOLDIER ROLE REVERSAL BITCH

MCCREE: YOU GET TO BURY REIN NOW

76: Go fuck yourself, cowboy.

MCCREE: :(

LÚCIO: well i will start planning the funerals

Chapter Text

76: Have any of you seen Angela?

MEI: No, I haven't heard from Dr. Ziegler in a few days.

WINSTON: That's... mildly alarming. Slightly concerning.

GENJI: so were yall not paying attention to the chat history then?

76: I mean... no.

WINSTON: I gave up on this channel ever being anything serious, so I don't really look at it anymore.

MEI: Was there some important context that we are missing?

GENJI: sigh

GENJI: @D.VA @MCCREE one of you simps explain it

MCCREE: SIMP?????

D.VA: simp

D.VA: ok so anyways a few days ago mccree and i were memeing around and decided to sell our SOs that we would die for them

D.VA: cause it made funny reactions

D.VA: and at one point moira tagged mercy in this chat and told her "hey mercy i would die for you"

D.VA: and then mercy was like "you will" and went idle lol

MEI: Moira? The red-headed geneticist working with Talon?

MCCREE: bingo bongo

76: ... That still doesn't tell us where she went.

LÚCIO: she ended up at talons base somehow

WINSTON: She what?

LÚCIO: winston buddy

LÚCIO: i dont know how to make it any more plain english

LÚCIO: mercy with talon

LÚCIO: yeah

WINSTON: And she's just been... missing for days? And no one has said anything?

TRACER: i mean to be fair she doesnt really talk much to any of us??? so like i didnt even notice she was gone to be completely honest

BRIGITTE: not to be rude, but lena is right... none of us really interact with angela outside of this chat, and she doesn't really contribute here

ZARYA: I do not blame her. You are all idiots.

GENJI: never have i been so personally offended by something i wholeheartedly agree with

76: So are we going to FIND Angela?

LÚCIO: oh yeah i guess that seems a little important huh

BASTION: (ノдヽ)

D.VA: OH NO BASTION IS SAD ABOUT MERCY BEING GONE

D.VA: NOW WE HAVE TO FIND HER

BAPTISTE: Now, before we get too ahead of ourselves here...

BAPTISTE: @DOOMFIST @REAPER @WIDOWMAKER @SOMBRA @MOIRA @SIGMA

WINSTON: What is that going to do for us?

BAPTISTE: I thought maybe they might be stupid enough to respond if I tagged all of them.

TRACER: i wouldve tried the same thing luv

76: Well, I'm going to organize a strike team to go look for her.

76: And absolutely NONE of the children are coming.

GENJI: who are the children

WINSTON: If I had to take a wild guess: You, Hana, Lena, Lúcio, Jesse, and Jamison.

76: Bingo.

GENJI: now hold on just a diddly damn minute

GENJI: i am literally 35 years old

MCCREE: bitch i am 37 years old

76: You should act like it then. You're both immature morons.

D.VA: BITCH I AM NOT A CHILD

D.VA: DO YOU WANNA SQUARE THE FUCK UP?????????

76: You are a child.

D.VA: >:(

BASTION: ಠ_ಠ

MCCREE: good fucking going jack, you have upset the bot

76: It doesn't have feelings.

D.VA: DONT YOU DISRESPECT BASTION LIKE THAT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

BASTION: (ಥ﹏ಥ)

TRACER: IS THAT AN ANGRY CRYING EMOTE???

TRACER: JACK YOU MONSTER

76: For fucks sake.

WINSTON: Let's get back on topic, please. The strike team for Angela?

76: Right. So, here's how I see it:

LÚCIO: you dont see at all because youre fucking blind lol

D.VA: LÚCIO JWEFOEQRIGHERWIGHRWIFJMWODGHVNO

76: Shut the fuck up.

76: Anyways, as I said before none of the children are coming. Roadhog should probably stay to babysit Junkrat, and I don't want to risk Bastion and Zenyatta being recaptured by Talon. I don't think Ana will take the mission seriously, and Reinhardt will probably want to stay with her for the time being.

76: That leaves Hanzo, Brigitte, Pharah, Symmetra, Zarya, Mei, Baptiste, and Torbjörn.

76: I think if I take those 8 plus myself, we should be able to track down Angela in no time.

D.VA: is taking that many people really necessary?

76: The Talon base we know about is incredibly large, and it isn't even the only Talon base that exists. They could've taken Angela to the fucking moon for all we know.

LÚCIO: what about hammond?

76: He's been helping Winston work on some stuff.

GENJI: and orisa?

76: Still in Numbani, and it's too short notice to go get her.

WINSTON: Alright, well I trust your judgment, Jack.

76: Excellent. @HANZO @BRIGITTE @PHARAH @SYMMETRA @ZARYA @MEI @BAPTISTE @TORBJÖRN get all of your equipment packed up. We'll head out at 16:00.

HANZO: Thank you for the opportunity to work, commander. I will not let you down.

BRIGITTE: i think my dad is still asleep so i will go wake him up and fill him in

MEI: I just need to wrap up this prototype upgrade for Snowball real quick. I will be ready soon.

TRACER: are you sure its a "prototype upgrade" for snowball and not a "prototype upgrade" for zarya??? ;))))

D.VA: lena literally what the fuck does that even mean??????

MEI: ...

ZARYA: Quiet, puny girl. I will squash you like tomato.

TRACER: understandable have a nice day

SYMMETRA: Understood. I have a new sentry turret prototype I've been wanting to test out. Fareeha has aided me in developing it with Vishkar's hard-light technology, and I am very excited to get a chance to use it.

TRACER: aided you huh?????? ;))))))))))

PHARAH: Lena, with all due respect:

PHARAH: Please shut the fuck up.

TRACER: UNDERSTANDABLE HAVE A NICE DAY

BAPTISTE: I still have my equipment packed from our last mission to Talon's base of operations. I will double-check to make sure everything is still there that needs to be.

D.VA: @BRIGITTE please stay safe!!!!!!!!!!!

BRIGITTE: i will bunny, i promise

D.VA: <3

BRIGITTE: <3

ANA: thats kinda gay ngl

PHARAH: MOTHER

ANA: yes my loving daughter?

PHARAH: Why must you always contribute to these conversations with the most ridiculous shit?

PHARAH: You literally aren't straight either!

TRACER: @ANA bi-con

ANA: okay but its kinda gay tho ngl

PHARAH: I don't even know why I bother.

GENJI: hey @BAPTISTE

BAPTISTE: Yes?

GENJI: stay safe out there

LÚCIO: yeah take care of yourself bap

BAPTISTE: Erm... thank you. I will.

LÚCIO: lit

GENJI: lit

BASTION: ヽ(o⌣oヾ)

D.VA: bastion ily but wtf is that?

ZENYATTA: He says it is supposed to be a "dab".

D.VA: OMG

D.VA: BASTION I WOULD LITERALLY DIE FOR YOU

BASTION: ♡＾▽＾♡

76: Alright, no more screwing around. It's showtime.

Chapter Text

WINSTON: Alright guys, I have enabled the speech-to-text feature on your comms. Good luck out there.

♩ 76: Excellent. Thank you, Winston. I will keep you updated as much as I can.

♩ 76: Alright, is everyone here?

♩ HANZO: I am here.

♩ SYMMETRA: Present.

♩ PHARAH: I am with Satya.

♩ ZARYA: I am with Mei. I must protect the small girlfriend.

♩ MEI: Thank you, Zarya, though I can protect myself as well...

♩ ZARYA: PROTECT THE SMALL GIRLFRIEND.

♩ BAPTISTE: I'm here as well.

♩ BRIGITTE: papa is still a little groggy from his nap, but i've got him with me

♩ 76: Alright, let's make our way to the Orca then.

♩ BAPTISTE: Erm, Jack, I know you mean well...

♩ 76: Go on?

♩ BAPTISTE: But... do any of us even know how to pilot the Orca?

WINSTON: ...

WINSTON: Jack.

♩ 76: ... I don't want to talk about it.

WINSTON: Jack.

♩ 76: Just save it for later, I need a pilot.

WINSTON: Well, Jack, you know as well as anyone else that there's only one agent qualified to pilot the Orca.

♩ 76: You've got to be kidding me...

♩ 76: Fine. She can come. But she is to stay on the Orca.

WINSTON: @TRACER, your presence is requested for this mission. Please report to the Orca immediately.

WINSTON: I have enabled speech-to-text on your comm as well.

♩ TRACER: jack you bloody fuckin idiot

♩ 76: I said save it for later, Oxton! Just get your ass to the Orca!

TRACER: [attached img JACK.png]

♩ 76: OXTON!

♩ TRACER: calm down will ya

♩ TRACER: im coming

══════════════════

55 MINUTES LATER

══════════════════

♩ TRACER: guys gals and non-conforming pals this is your captain speaking

♩ TRACER: preparing for descent in rialto!

♩ 76: Thank you, Lena.

♩ MEI: So, what's the plan, Jack?

♩ 76: I'll definitely want Baptiste to be scouting the Talon base again, I know that much.

♩ 76: He probably shouldn't go alone, though. Pharah, Symmetra, and Mei, would you three be able to tag along with him?

♩ SYMMETRA: Of course. I have my sentry turrets packed away. I also have a teleporter device we can use to our advantage as well.

♩ PHARAH: I will keep the skies clear for you.

♩ 76: Hanzo, Brigitte, Torbjörn, and Zarya, take out the guards around the facility.

♩ TORBJÖRN: You've got it, old man.

♩ HANZO: On my honor.

♩ ZARYA: I will snap them like carrots.

♩ BRIGITTE: ... i have armor packs for you i guess????

♩ 76: Good, good. I'll stay on the Orca with Lena. I've tapped their camera systems and am able to stream the feeds live on the ship.

♩ 76: I'll see what information I can get from the feeds.

♩ 76: Keep me updated. Good luck, everyone.

══════════════════

10 MINUTES LATER

══════════════════

♩ ZARYA: There are not so many guards here.

♩ ZARYA: We have defeated the few that once stood.

♩ 76: What do you mean there aren't so many?

♩ HANZO: There were very few guards defending the base.

♩ TORBJÖRN: They probably felt like there wasn't really a reason to have all their guards out at once.

♩ TORBJÖRN: It's not like they were expecting us to show up and bombard them.

TRACER: [attached img NOBODY.gif]

♩ BRIGITTE: hahahaha lena why are you like this

♩ TRACER: bcoz its fun!!!!!!!!!

♩ 76: Damn it, focus people!

♩ TRACER: sorry not sorry luv

♩ BAPTISTE: So.

♩ BAPTISTE: Pharah, Symmetra, Mei, and I have managed to find a way into the base.

♩ 76: Awesome, well done!

♩ BAPTISTE: Well... it would be nice and all.

♩ BAPTISTE: But there is literally no one in here.

♩ 76: What?

♩ MEI: The base is completely empty, and there are no lights at all.

♩ PHARAH: Didn't you say you hacked their camera feeds, Jack? Wouldn't you have seen that?

♩ 76: ... Bad reception.

♩ TRACER: he was looking at pics of reyes on his comm!!!!!!!!

♩ PHARAH: For fucks sake, Jack, pick another time to be hopelessly gay.

♩ 76: You don't see me telling you how to live your life!

♩ MEI: I mean... you literally are sitting there telling us what to do.

♩ 76: Just... stop talking!

♩ 76: If they aren't in the base, then where the hell are they?

♩ BAPTISTE: Well... I do have one idea.

♩ 76: And what would that be?

♩ BAPTISTE: It's been a few years, so I may be misremembering, but I do believe they had a "secret underground lair" of sorts.

♩ BRIGITTE: like the ones in the movies and cartoons where you would press a hidden button and it'd take you to the "super secret evil villain lair"???

♩ BAPTISTE: Exactly like that.

♩ BAPTISTE: There are unfortunately no cameras down there either.

♩ 76: Are they really that stupid?

♩ BAPTISTE: Yes.

♩ 76: Well, alright... do you remember how to access this "secret lair"?

♩ BAPTISTE: I think it's one of the books on the bookshelf... but I don't remember exactly which one.

♩ SYMMETRA: I'm honestly surprised they host this many books in their library. They certainly don't seem intelligent enough to read any of them.

♩ BAPTISTE: I think most of them were for decoration more than anything.

♩ MEI: Yes, it would appear most of them haven't been touched in AGES. They're all completely coated in dust.

♩ PHARAH: Wait, here's one that looks like it's been recently pulled from the shelf.

♩ PHARAH: Wait a second... is that... 50 Shades Of G-

♩ SYMMETRA: What on earth is that rumbling?!

♩ BAPTISTE: Pharah found the trigger!

♩ PHARAH: What the actual fuck?

♩ PHARAH: Like literally what the fuck???

♩ TRACER: oh my god im crying over here bwahahahaha

♩ 76: Can it, Oxton.

♩ BAPTISTE: Alright, come with me! The entrance hatch is over here.

♩ SYMMETRA: I cannot believe how tacky this is. Such stereotypical villains.

♩ SYMMETRA: Are they not supposed to be a professional terrorist organization? And this is what their base is like?

♩ PHARAH: We are a professional organization as well, and you see how well we manage on our own time.

♩ SYMMETRA: Unfortunately, you have a point.

♩ BAPTISTE: Okay, be quiet now. We need to at least be a little bit stealthy.

♩ 76: Be careful in there. Hanzo, Brigitte, Torbjörn, and Zarya, go into the base and watch the main sector to make sure nobody tries to flank Baptiste's group.

♩ BRIGITTE: got it!

BAPTISTE: We still need to be quiet, so I am typing this as quickly as I can. There are definitely people down here.

BAPTISTE: Their internet router is down here as well, and they seem to have disconnected it, which is probably why none of them responded to their comms.

BAPTISTE: I am going to see if we can get it reconnected.

♩ 76: Excellent work, Baptiste.

══════════════════

5 MINUTES LATER

══════════════════

♩ 76: Baptiste, are you okay down there? We haven't heard anything from you or your crew in a while.

BAPTISTE: Yes, we are fine. I just cannot seem to figure this out.

MEI: May I take a look at it?

BAPTISTE: Be my guest.

BAPTISTE: What on earth? How did you figure it out so fast?

MEI: It just needed to be plugged in?

BAPTISTE: ...

BAPTISTE: I don't want to talk about it.

♩ TRACER: oh my god i wish there were cameras down there

♩ TRACER: what i wouldnt give to see baptiste struggling with a wifi router for so long hahahaha

♩ MOIRA: So, you're not as much of an angel as you put yourself out to be, Ziegler?

BAPTISTE: What the hell? Nobody talk.

♩ MERCY: No one said I had to be a saint outside of the battlefield.

BRIGITTE: angela!!!

BRIGITTE: how are their voices getting picked up?

76: Winston must've turned on the voice-to-text feature on their comms as well.

TRACER: bloody brilliant

♩ MOIRA: You don't have to be a saint at all. You should let loose more.

PHARAH: How come all of their messages are being sent so far apart? Surely they aren't talking that slowly?

BAPTISTE: Their connection down here is a bit choppy. Our messages have also been sending with a bit of delay, but it hasn't been as noticeable because we aren't speaking out loud.

BAPTISTE: The further we get from the Orca, the more strained our connection becomes.

♩ MERCY: But you know what I said to you. Being a "guardian angel" is my whole thing. I have a reputation to upkeep. I do have to be a saint.

♩ MOIRA: Well, no matter what they say, you're certainly no saint in bed.

PHARAH: What the fuck?????????

TRACER: DID THEY SHAG?????????

♩ MERCY: What can I say? You make the devil in me come out.

♩ MOIRA: I dare say I'd like to see this side of you more often, Ziegler.

♩ MERCY: Well then maybe you will.

76: @MERCY What in the everloving fuck are you doing!?

♩ MERCY: One moment, Moira. My comm is buzzing...

♩ MOIRA: I thought we'd turned the internet off, how could it be bu-

♩ MERCY: WHAT THE FUCK??????????????

Chapter Text

♩ 76: You owe us a really fucking good explanation, Angela.

♩ MERCY: I don't owe you shit.

♩ 76: You disappeared for days, and for what?!

♩ 76: To go fuck one of Talon's agents?!

♩ MOIRA: Yes, you oaf. What is so hard to understand about that?

♩ 76: Why the fuck would you even do that? Do you know how fucking worried we were about you?

♩ MERCY: Why do you even care, Jack? It's not like you wouldn't have done the same with Gabriel!

♩ 76: BESIDES THE POINT.

♩ BRIGITTE: angela, we were just really worried about you

♩ BRIGITTE: no one had seen or heard from you in days

♩ BAPTISTE: Plus, I know when they actually care enough, Talon can be pretty brutal.

♩ BRIGITTE: exactly, we just wanted you to be okay

♩ MERCY: ... I appreciate the concern, you two. And everyone else.

♩ MERCY: I never intended to disappear for that long, nor did I intend to... do what I did with Dr. O'Deorain.

♩ BRIGITTE: then why? why didn't you just come back?

♩ MERCY: I was originally very livid with Dr. O'Deorain for implying any romantic relationship between us, so I did initially set out to the Talon base to give her a piece of my mind.

♩ MERCY: However, she did manage to calm me down enough for us to actually talk. It started as just defusing the initial buildup between us, then it turned into scientific discussion and comparing our studies of nanobiology and genetics.

♩ MERCY: It made me realize that while I don't condone her practices, I still respect her as a scientist. She has a brilliant mind and a drive unlike any other scientist I've met.

♩ MOIRA: I was able to say the same about Dr. Ziegler. While I do believe she has been restraining herself far too much in order to make any real progress in the field of science, her work is still fantastic and I am deeply aware of why she is considered one of the best in the world at what she does.

♩ 76: So how did this lead to... you two getting together? And why didn't you just come back to our headquarters after you finished your initial discussion?

♩ MERCY: I found the company pleasant, after initially warming up to her. I didn't see much of the other Talon agents aside from Dr. O'Deorain. It was just... a nice break from all the chaos that happens back in Zürich.

♩ MOIRA: I also found Dr. Ziegler's presence a nice break from the sheer stupidity that is Talon. They give me a horrendous amount of headaches with the antics they get into.

♩ MERCY: I guess after a while of sharing similar experiences with each other, we just... I don't know. It just happened?

SOMBRA: wait the internet is back

SOMBRA: whats going on rn

♩ TRACER: we caught angela shagging moira!!!

SOMBRA: LMAO YOU WHAT?????????

SOMBRA: @WIDOWMAKER @DOOMFIST @REAPER @SIGMA LOOK

WIDOWMAKER: Why are we making such a big commotion of this?

SIGMA: Well, if Dr. O'Deorain is happy, then I am pleased for her as well!

REAPER: @DOOMFIST You owe me 100 bucks.

DOOMFIST: Oh for fucks sake.

♩ PHARAH: Were you... betting on if they would get together?

DOOMFIST: Yes, and I was certain I would win that bet because Moira has such a large branch up her ass at all times, I didn't find it possible for anyone to be attracted to her.

REAPER: Clearly you don't know much about lesbian angst, Akande.

DOOMFIST: Clearly.

♩ MOIRA: You're just upset that I'm able to woo a woman when you haven't ever been able to.

WIDOWMAKER: Ouch.

SOMBRA: LOL

DOOMFIST: I didn't ask for your opinion.

♩ MOIRA: You needn't ask. You'll get my opinion whether you want it or not.

♩ MOIRA: I won't take sass from the Walmart brand Iron Man.

♩ TRACER: BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

REAPER: @DOOMFIST L.

♩ MERCY: I... do sincerely apologize for any inconvenience I've caused.

♩ 76: Oh, I'll tell you all about fucking inconveni-

♩ TORBJÖRN: Would you shut the hell up, you cranky old man?

♩ 76: Excuse me?

♩ TORBJÖRN: Angela, are you happy? Does the Talon ginger make you happy?

♩ MERCY: ... Honestly, yes.

♩ TORBJÖRN: Then to hell with inconveniences! Jack, surely you realize Angela is one of the hardest working agents in Overwatch and has been for as long as we've known her?

♩ TORBJÖRN: Don't you think she deserved some time to get away and find something that made her happy?

♩ TORBJÖRN: Get your panties out of a twist. The world doesn't revolve around you.

♩ 76: ... Noted.

♩ BRIGITTE: damn papa go off!!!!

♩ TRACER: YEAH TORB!!!! WE STAN A KING

♩ PHARAH: I'm still over here laughing at the fact that he referred to Moira as the "Talon ginger".

♩ TORBJÖRN: Am I wrong?

♩ 76: Alright, well... I apologize, Angela. For reacting so strongly.

♩ 76: Just... take as much time as you need, but please try to keep us in the loop from now on. We can't just have our top medic disappear on us.

♩ MERCY: Thank you, Jack. I suppose I ought to head back with you all. Dr. O'Deorain, it's been a pleasure.

♩ MOIRA: I look forward to our next correspondence.

♩ 76: Alright everyone, back on the Orca.

══════════════════

1 HOUR LATER

══════════════════

WINSTON: Welcome back, everyone! Especially you, Angela. I'm very glad to see you again.

MERCY: I am glad to be back. Hopefully no one has gotten too seriously injured in my absence?

MCCREE: where even were you?

TRACER: she was shagging moira

D.VA: SHE WAS DOING WHAT??????????????

MERCY: Lena.

TRACER: sorry not sorry luv!

MCCREE: so you mean to tell me that she slept with the ginger from talon she was sparring with?

TRACER: yes

MCCREE: well i need a fucking drink

D.VA: im just glad brig is okay!!! i missed her :(

BRIGITTE: i told you i'd be just fine, bunny <3

ANA: gay

PHARAH: Shut the fuck up.

ANA: love you too fareeha

LÚCIO: @BAPTISTE you made it home safe as well???

BAPTISTE: Affirmative.

LÚCIO: good

LÚCIO: genji and i are glad

BAPTISTE: Uh... thank you. For your concern.

BAPTISTE: I appreciate it.

ROADHOG: It sounds like you all have had a long day

ROADHOG: Would anyone like some tea? I started brewing some for myself and Jamie but I can brew more if needed

SYMMETRA: As long as he doesn't somehow blow the tea up again.

MERCY: Yes, actually... tea sounds lovely.

D.VA: can me and brig tag along?

ROADHOG: Of course

D.VA: yay :D

GENJI: @BAPTISTE would you like to come get some tea with lúcio and i?

BAPTISTE: ... Sure. I'd love to.

ANA: gay

PHARAH: STOP.

Chapter Text

WINSTON: Jesse, why can't you just behave yourself?

MCCREE: because it isnt fun????

HANZO: What has he done now?

WINSTON: He broke into a Taco Bell and held the cooks at gunpoint so that they would make him a 7-Layer Burrito.

HANZO: Why on earth would you do that?

MCCREE: THEYRE TAKING IT OFF THE MENU DAMMIT I WANT MY FUCKING BURRITO

PHARAH: The 7-Layer Burrito isn't even that good...

MCCREE: COWARD

LÚCIO: but the real question is

LÚCIO: did they give you the burrito?

MCCREE: yes

LÚCIO: well then i see nothing wrong with what happened

TRACER: couldnt you have just bought 7 burritos and stacked them on top of each other???

MCCREE: ITS NOT THE SAME

GENIJ: i dont even think thats what a 7 layer burrito is

GENJI: but wait so why is this such a big deal?

WINSTON: ... Genji.

WINSTON: He held civilians at gunpoint.

WINSTON: It was reported on the news. His face is plastered all over the globe right now.

GENJI: oh yeah that might be a problem

HANZO: Jesse...

MCCREE: im sorry please dont hurt me

MCCREE: im babey

HANZO: Idiot.

MCCREE: IM BABEY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

WINSTON: How did you even get to a Taco Bell?! There are barely any in Europe, let alone in Zürich!

HANZO: ...

HANZO: [attached img JESSE.png]

TRACER: OMG HANZO MEMED

MCCREE: hanzo i love you

WINSTON: Haha, very funny... but seriously.

MCCREE: tracer owed me a favor

WINSTON: What favor could she have possibly owed you that made her fly you to another continent?

MCCREE: i was her wingman and helped her pick up a girlfriend

MCCREE: because you know how aggressively gay she is

WINSTON: So you helped her find a girlfriend... and in turn she took the Orca to a Taco Bell for you?

MCCREE: yes

WINSTON: @TRACER?

TRACER: yes

WINSTON: Unbelievable.

WINSTON: On another note, has anyone seen an extra communicator anywhere? One of the ones from my lab has gone missing.

PHARAH: I think I may have seen Junkrat run off with it.

WINSTON: How did he even get into my lab?

WINSTON: @JUNKRAT Is this true?

JUNKRAT: YEAH MATE

WINSTON: Why?

JUNKRAT: CAUSE THIS NICE LADY WITH WHITE HAIR WAS AT THE DOOR AND SHE SAID SHES AN AGENT WHO WAS WORKING ABROAD

JUNKRAT: AND SHE SAID HER COMM BROKE SO I GOT HER A NEW ONE

WINSTON: We don't... we don't have any agents with white hair...

MCCREE: wait white hair?????

JUNKRAT: AH WELL SHE HAS THE COMM MIGHT AS WELL ADD HER TO THE CHAT RIGHT MATE????

WINSTON: No.

JUNKRAT: TOO LATE

[JUNKRAT] added [ELIZABETH CALEDONIA ASHE] to [LÚCIO CORREIA DOS SANTOS THE SCIENCE GUY].

ROADHOG: Jamie you fucking moron

JUNKRAT: SORRY NOT SORRY

ASHE: Jesse McCree.

MCCREE: OH GOD OH FUCK

MCCREE: @HANZO PROTECT ME

HANZO: Fend for yourself.

MCCREE: HANZO WHYYYYYYYYYYYY

ASHE: I see you haven't changed much.

ASHE: Still a whiney little bitch.

MCCREE: bro i came out to have a good time and im honestly feeling so attacked rn

WINSTON: Who exactly are you Ashe?

ASHE: You know.

ASHE: An old associate of McCree.

WINSTON: Jesse?

MCCREE: she would kill me in my sleep if given the chance

ASHE: Can't say that that's incorrect.

[GENJI] changed channel name to [IT'S HIGH NOOOOOON]

GENJI: FIGHT FIGHT FIGHT

WINSTON: Genji, you shouldn't be encouraging this behavior!

GENJI: ...

GENJI: ᶠᶦᵍʰᵗ

TRACER: the tiny text lmfao

ASHE: So, McCree.

ASHE: Why'd you leave?

MCCREE: what

ASHE: Don't be stupid.

ASHE: Why did you leave the Deadlocks?

ASHE: Surely you didn't think you'd be able to survive on your own out there?

MCCREE: look ashe it wasnt really my choice

ASHE: Everybody has a choice, McCree. You made yours.

MCCREE: no i literally didnt

MCCREE: i got captured by bitchboy edgelord @REAPER

REAPER: Don't try to act like you would've been better off in a maximum-security prison.

MCCREE: shit maybe i wouldve idk

MCCREE: but yeah i literally got captured back when overwatch was still at its height and was given an ultimatum of joining their black ops spec or going to jail

MCCREE: i figured the black ops option would be better

MCCREE: cause like... money and stuff

MCCREE: also jail doesnt seem very nice

ASHE: ... Oh.

MCCREE: bruh did you really think i would just up and fucking abandon you if i had the choice

ASHE: I mean. Yes.

ASHE: As I said earlier. Always been a whiney bitch.

MCCREE: ok youre right but still

MCCREE: at least i didnt go to prison. i probably couldve snitched on all of you and gotten a shortened sentence because of it

ASHE: Glad to see where your loyalties stand.

ASHE: You know who was still loyal to you even after you were captured? You know who wouldn't shut up about you?

MCCREE: IS IT MY BOY

[ASHE] added [BOB]

MCCREE: !!!!!!! MY BOY

HANZO: Who is this?

MCCREE: IT IS MY BOY

BOB: ...

MCCREE: I MISSED YOU TOO

ASHE: I told you. Obviously he remains most loyal to me, but I'd be lying if I said he didn't care a whole lot about you.

ASHE: I don't understand why he does, but still.

BOB: ...

ASHE: What do you mean he's nicer than me?!

BOB: ...

ASHE: Ugh! Don't give me that shit!

MCCREE: bob its okay we can bitch at her another time

BOB: ...

MCCREE: of course buddy

LÚCIO: bro hes straight up not saying anything though???

MCCREE: ashe and i can understand him

MCCREE: its kinda like having our own secret language

MCCREE: also you need to git gud

GENJI: hahahaha L @LÚCIO

LÚCIO: shut your fuck

GENJI: ok

MCCREE: wait ashe how did you even find me

ASHE: Well for one thing, there's been mention all over the news about the cowboy who held hostages in Taco Bell.

WINSTON: God damn it Jesse...

MCCREE: shit thats the closest hes ever come to swearing

MCCREE: i might really be fucked

MCCREE: but wait so how did you know to find me here

ASHE: I have my ways, McCree.

BOB: ...

MCCREE: she did what now?????????

ASHE: BOB!

MCCREE: damn ashe didnt know you cared that much lmao

BOB: ...

ASHE: SHUT UP BOB!

PHARAH: So why isn't Bob actually typing anything?

ZENYATTA: He is a special type of Omnic. While he can communicate and understands us perfectly well, he has no way to properly convert his thoughts to words.

GENJI: oh master! i forgot you were in here tbh

ZENYATTA: I don't find the need to communicate here often.

ZENYATTA: More often than not, I serve as a translator for Bastion. And now Bob as well, I suppose.

PHARAH: @WINSTON You just gonna let them stay here?

WINSTON: It doesn't even really matter at this point. We have Talon agents in here. It can't really go more downhill.

BOB: ...

MCCREE: who taught you that LOL

PHARAH: What did he say?

ZENYATTA: He said "YEET".

TRACER: ok i love him

MCCREE: good

Chapter Text

D.VA: hey guys genji and i are starting a minecraft world if anyone wants to join!!!

LÚCIO: MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE

TRACER: omg yes!!!!

BRIGITTE: i'm in!

REINHARDT: Now THAT is a game I haven't played in a good while! I would love to join!

JUNKRAT: CAN I PLAY??????

JUNKRAT: AND CAN ROADY PLAY?????

D.VA: yes! the invitation is for anyone who wants to join us!!

GENJI: you just need to tell us your usernames so we can add you to the server whitelist

LÚCIO: djlucio69

TRACER: cadetOxton

BRIGITTE: BrigitteLindholm

REINHARDT: MajesticWilhelm

JUNKRAT: BOMBZ4LIFE

ROADHOG: wHoLeHoG_

GENJI: ok youre all added

HANZO: What is Minecraft?

GENJI: bruh

D.VA: its one of the best video games thats ever been made????

REINHARDT: It's a game where you collect resources, fight mobs, build things, and survive! It is a classic!

HANZO: Sounds interesting. How do I join?

D.VA: go to the minecraft website and get an account

D.VA: the accounts cost money but its fine cause we have a lot of that

HANZO: Okay. I will do that.

SYMMETRA: Wait, you can build in Minecraft?

GENJI: yus

BRIGITTE: some people have made really intricate castles and palaces! there's a lot of different materials so the possibilities are endless

SYMMETRA: You have my interest. @PHARAH, would you like to join with me?

PHARAH: Sure, why not?

SYMMETRA: Excellent. I will get us both accounts.

LÚCIO: omg this is a really good seed

LÚCIO: i already found a desert temple

GENJI: wtf?????? youre gonna share right babe??????

LÚCIO: finders keepers bitch

GENJI: bruh

D.VA: wait wheres @MCCREE doesnt he love minecraft

HANZO: He is asleep right now, but I will let him know about the invitation.

D.VA: lit

ANA: @REINHARDT WHY DIDNT YOU TELL ME WE WERE PLAYING MINECRAFT

REINHARDT: I'm sorry! Please forgive me!

ANA: its fine but i want to be added as well. my username is anarulez420

GENJI: ok i added you to the whitelist

JUNKRAT: HEY @LÚCIO YOU FOUND A DESERT TEMPLE?

JUNKRAT: CAN I HAVE THE TNT FROM IT????

LÚCIO: as long as you dont use it to blow up my base in the future then sure

JUNKRAT: YAY!!!!!!

HANZO: Okay, I have made an account. My username is HzShimada.

SYMMETRA: I have also just finished registering accounts for myself and Fareeha.

SYMMETRA: My username is OrderFromChaos.

PHARAH: And mine is HelixPharaoh.

GENJI: ok added all of you

PHARAH: How do we join the server?

D.VA: when you open the game click the multiplayer button and then it should show the LAN server

PHARAH: Alright, thanks.

REINHARDT: I have found a Mega Taiga! The superior biome!

TRACER: i prefer flower forests but you do you reinhardt

REINHARDT: Come on! With all of the trees towering over us, I can make the perfect treehouse base!

TRACER: ok you have a solid point there

REINHARDT: I have already started chopping some trees! I have over a stack of Spruce Wood so far!

LÚCIO: damn youre moving fast

LÚCIO: @JUNKRAT where are you so i can give you the tnt

JUNKRAT: I WILL MEET YOU AT 0, 0

LÚCIO: okay, be there in a sec

BRIGITTE: i found a really nice beach area. @D.VA you wanna live in a beach house with me??

D.VA: of course i do!!!!

GENJI: can me and lúcio be your neighbors?

BRIGITTE: sure! there's plenty of space!

GENJI: lit, i will make my way over now

BRIGITTE: i will PM you the coordinates

HANZO: So how do I gather materials?

LÚCIO: you left click to punch, if you walk up to a tree and punch it, it will drop wood

LÚCIO: once you have a piece of wood, you open your inventory by pressing E on your keyboard

LÚCIO: then from there you can make a crafting table which will allow you to make tools

HANZO: Thank you.

ANA: @REINHARDT save me a spot in the treehouse

ANA: im going mining

REINHARDT: Of course I will!

PHARAH: I made a Wooden Pickaxe and started mining at this weird block with pink-ish specks, but it didn't drop anything?

JUNKRAT: THATS IRON ORE

JUNKRAT: AND YOU NEED A STONE PICKAXE TO MINE IT

PHARAH: Oh. I see.

PHARAH: So you have to keep upgrading your tools to gather more valuable resources?

JUNKRAT: YEAH

PHARAH: Interesting, thanks.

ROADHOG: Hey Jamie I found a Badlands biome

JUNKRAT: OH HELL YEAH

JUNKRAT: ALSO THANKS @LÚCIO FOR THE TNT

JUNKRAT: IM COMING TO YOU NOW ROADY

LÚCIO: no problem

LÚCIO: im coming to that beach now brigitte

BRIGITTE: okay! i am chopping down oak and birch trees that are nearby right now

D.VA: i will go mining and get us iron for armor

GENJI: i will join you and get iron gear for myself and lúcio

SYMMETRA: How do we make iron tools?

ROADHOG: You need 8 cobblestone to craft a furnace

ROADHOG: Then you put iron ore in the furnace with some fuel, something like wood or coal

ROADHOG: Then the ore smelts into ingots that you use to craft

SYMMETRA: Thank you.

ANA: YEET

ANA: I FOUND DIAMONDS BITCH

GENJI: wtf already???

JUNKRAT: CAN YOU EVEN MINE THE DIAMONDS YET???????

ANA: well no but

ANA: i know where they are

ANA: so once i do actually have an iron pickaxe i will come back and mine them

HANZO: I found a decently sized hill. I plan on making a cozy little hobbit hole to live in.

GENJI: yeah that sounds about right

SYMMETRA: Fareeha, I found a nice mountainous area to settle down into. I plan on building a large castle here. I assume you are going to live with me?

PHARAH: Of course I am.

SYMMETRA: Splendid.

TRACER: omg i actually found a flower forest!!!

TRACER: and there are BEES!!!!!!!!!!

D.VA: omg the bees are so cute

TRACER: IKR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

TRACER: i am going to live here

LÚCIO: oh shit its getting dark

LÚCIO: @GENJI @BRIGITTE @D.VA do we have beds?

BRIGITTE: yes, i made us some!

REINHARDT: Beds are for the weak! Mobs cannot hurt me when I am in my tree box!

ANA: you still need a bed dumbass

REINHARDT: No I don't!

ANA: youll regret saying that when your ass falls out of the tree and you die from fall damage and have to walk all the way back

REINHARDT: Nonsense!

TRACER: there are no sheep nearby so i am just. digging a hole. i will stay in here overnight lmao

HANZO: I see some sheep near me. How do I get wool from them?

LÚCIO: you can either kill them by punching them a bunch (or hitting them with a sword if you made one) or you can make shears using iron and shear them

HANZO: How many wool do I need for a bed?

JUNKRAT: THREE

HANZO: Thank you both. I will slay the sheep.

PHARAH: That's a bit morbid. I have some iron so I'm just going to craft some shears and get the wool in a more humane fashion.

PHARAH: I will get enough to make both of us beds, Satya.

SYMMETRA: Thank you.

ROADHOG: Jamie where are you

JUNKRAT: I GOT DISTRACTED SORRY

ROADHOG: You are gonna get killed

JUNKRAT: NO IM NOT

ROADHOG: Whatever you say

TRACER: i give it 3 seconds

TRACER: 3

TRACER: 2

TRACER: 1

JUNKRAT: JFOIERGVJOIEQRWJVNILSDVQIHRJGVERWHGUIEHNTCGIUERNWHFIUEXRHWCDUOIAS

GENJI: BRUH

D.VA: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

BRIGITTE: poor junkrat lol

ROADHOG: I fucking told you

D.VA: well id say the first day of this server has gone successfully

Chapter Text

WINSTON: @TRACER, are you here? I need you to drop by my lab and give a recap of our last mission.

D.VA: pretty sure shes with her new girlfriend right now

WINSTON: Well, great I guess... she couldn't have been more like the rest of you and just dated another agent?

MERCY: Typically, the workplace discourages having romantic relationships with coworkers.

WINSTON: Are we really a typical organization?

WINSTON: Besides, at least if she was dating someone here she wouldn't be ignoring her comm as much.

MERCY: Don't be so sure about that, Winston. You know how she is.

WINSTON: Wait, where's the Orca?

MCCREE: tracer took it to see her gf

WINSTON: Where on earth does her new girlfriend live that warrants Lena FLYING to her?

MCCREE: london lol

WINSTON: ... How did you even set her up with someone in London?

MCCREE: dont ask questions you arent prepared to hear the answers for my guy

WINSTON: How long has she just been taking the Orca and wasting time and resources on flying to London?

MCCREE: good question

TRACER: Hey everyone, this is Lena's girlfriend - she left her comm here and she's unfortunately already too far away to turn back and get it

WINSTON: For crying out loud.

WINSTON: At this rate, it'll just be easier to give her a new comm when she returns - it'll be less expensive than having her turn around and wasting the Orca's fuel.

TRACER: I'm really sorry for any trouble I've caused

WINSTON: It's not your fault.

WINSTON: Though I think I'll need to have a chat with Lena when she returns.

TRACER: What should I do with this comm if she's getting a new one?

WINSTON: Just keep it, I don't care at this point.

MERCY: You're just going to let a civilian stay in this group chat?

WINSTON: Need I remind you that we have Talon agents in this group chat?

MCCREE: no we dont need reminders

MCCREE: i made them a custom role

MCCREE: howdy @TALON

SIGMA: Hello!

DOOMFIST: Why are you like this, Cowboy?

MOIRA: He's always been like this. You haven't changed a bit, Jesse.

MCCREE: oh go fuck yourself you soulless ginger fuck

MOIRA: I don't need to do that to myself anymore, I have @MERCY to do it for me now.

MERCY: ...

REAPER: Shut the hell up.

D.VA: thanks i hate it

MCCREE: disgusting.

WIDOWMAKER: Why was I tagged?

SOMBRA: the cowboy made a custom role for us and tagged it because hes stupid

SOMBRA: but fear not. i made a custom role for him and now we can spam him with it

SOMBRA: @COWBOY

MCCREE: hey im actually not opposed to this

SOMBRA: @COWBOY

WIDOWMAKER: @COWBOY

SIGMA: @COWBOY

REAPER: @COWBOY

DOOMFIST: @COWBOY

MOIRA: @COWBOY

MERCY: @COWBOY

D.VA: @COWBOY

TRACER: @COWBOY

WINSTON: @COWBOY

MCCREE: ok nevermind i hate it fuck you sombra

SOMBRA: <3

TRACER: Back on topic, you're sure I can keep this, Winston?

WINSTON: I am sure.

TRACER: Then I might as well change my display name.

[TRACER] changed display name to [EMILY].

WINSTON: Although I wish it had been under different circumstances, it is a pleasure to meet you, Emily.

WINSTON: Ah, I see the Orca coming down now - I'll be back in a bit. I need to go have a chat with Lena now.

[WINSTON] is now idle.

D.VA: lmao shes gonna fucking die

EMILY: On the one hand I hope she doesn't. On the other hand, I understand.

MCCREE: wow such a supportive girlfriend

HANZO: She's more supportive to Lena than I am to you.

MCCREE: ouch

D.VA: lmao burn

GENJI: who are you and what have you done with my brother

GENJI: hanzo has never been a savage man

HANZO: I tried to kill you.

GENJI: o shit u rite

HANZO: Sometimes I wish I had succeeded.

GENJI: fuck

D.VA: lmao hanzo i love you

HANZO: Thank you.

MCCREE: i love you too hanzo

HANZO: Go fuck yourself.

MCCREE: :(

D.VA: LOL IM DONE

[WINSTON] is no longer idle.

[WINSTON] added [LENA OXTON] to [IT'S HIGH NOOOOOON].

WINSTON: Lena, please don't lose any more communicators.

WINSTON: And for the love of all that is good and holy, stop wasting the Orca's fuel.

[LENA OXTON] changed display name to [TRACER].

TRACER: DoN't LoSe AnY mOrE cOmMuNiCaToRs

TRACER: StOp WaStInG tHe OrCaS fUeL

WINSTON: Lena.

TRACER: right you got it luv

EMILY: Lena, you should try to behave yourself, at least a little bit.

TRACER: !!!!!!! youre in here?????

EMILY: Winston let me keep your old communicator and is letting me stay in the channel :-)

TRACER: YOOOOOOOOO WINSTON YOURE KINDA LIT THANK YOU

WINSTON: Don't push it.

TRACER: OK LUV

HANZO: Idiot.

EMILY: I'd be offended if you weren't right.

TRACER: hey >:(

EMILY: Love you <3

TRACER: love you too <3

ANA: gay

PHARAH: For the love of fucking god-

PHARAH: Why did that tag me?

SOMBRA: hehe

PHARAH: Did you somehow fucking set it so that I get tagged any time my mother says the word gay?

SOMBRA: maybe

WIDOWMAKER: Idiot.

SOMBRA: you love me lol

WIDOWMAKER: Unfortunately, you are correct.

ANA: gaaaaay

PHARAH: FFS

PHARAH: How can I turn this off?

SOMBRA: ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

SOMBRA: figure it out chica

PHARAH: You're kidding me right now, right?

SOMBRA: lolno

PHARAH: God damn it.

SYMMETRA: Fareeha, dear, why don't you come to my room for some tea? Perhaps that will calm you down a bit.

PHARAH: That sounds lovely.

TRACER: lol right... tea.....

PHARAH: Shut it, Lena.

TRACER: lol

ANA: gay

PHARAH: ...

HANZO: I'm sorry you have to put up with this, Pharah.

PHARAH: Me fucking too.

[ANA] changed channel name to [GAY].

PHARAH: How are we even related?

ANA: ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

PHARAH: Life seemed simpler when you pretended to be dead.

ANA: you love me fareeha

PHARAH: I do... but at what cost?

ANA: your sanity

PHARAH: That seems about right.

PHARAH: But yes. Tea time. I need a fucking break.

[PHARAH] is now idle.

[SYMMETRA] is now idle.

TRACER: theyre probably gonna shag now aint they luv

EMILY: You're a pest sometimes, Lena.

TRACER: a lovable pest!

HANZO: Questionable.

ANA: gay

[PHARAH] is no longer idle.

PHARAH: STFU PLEASE

[PHARAH] is now idle.

ANA: she loves me <3

Chapter Text

[PRIVATE CORRESPONDENCE]

SOMBRA: hey

GENJI: what do u want

SOMBRA: wanna play a prank on lúcio

GENJI: is this a trick question

GENJI: i absolutely want to play a prank on lúcio

SOMBRA: good

SOMBRA: once i tell you the details i need you to tell everyone else except lúcio

GENJI: sounds good

SOMBRA: okay

SOMBRA: so heres the plan

══════════════════

SOMBRA: hey guys

SOMBRA: since im the worlds greatest hacker and you all loooooooove me

WINSTON: Debatable.

SOMBRA: i upgraded ur cybersecurity

SOMBRA: so you can say your password and it will censor out

SOMBRA: like this

SOMBRA: *************************************************************

GENJI: jesus you have a long password

SOMBRA: well yeah

SOMBRA: gotta keep the other hackers on their toes

GENJI: but it works?

SOMBRA: yes

SOMBRA: try it

GENJI: ************

GENJI: oh lit

WINSTON: ********

WINSTON: Interesting.

SOMBRA: seeeee? i do good sometimes

D.VA: *************

D.VA: cool!

SYMMETRA: ***********

PHARAH: **************

HANZO: *********

BRIGITTE: *****************

TRACER: ***********

EMILY: **************

76: So we're all just posting our passwords now?

SOMBRA: yup

76: I bet this garbage doesn't actually work. I think this is some sort of elaborate trick.

SOMBRA: why must you have so little faith in me amigo? cant a girl do one good thing in her life?

76: Yes, but you aren't someone who does good things.

SOMBRA: dude even winston trusts me

WINSTON: "Trust" is a very loose term here.

SOMBRA: whatever dude just try it

76: Fine. But I'm ready to change my password the second this doesn't work.

76: *******************

76: ... Oh. It does actually work.

SOMBRA: see? i told you

SOMBRA: you need to learn to relax buddy

76: Perhaps I underestimated you. I apologize.

SOMBRA: its ok

SOMBRA: but you might wanna change your password anyways

SOMBRA: "ILoveGabrielReyes<3" might be a little too predictable hahaha

76: !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

GENJI: LMFAOOOOOOOOOOOOO

D.VA: YOU REALLY JUST EXPOSED HIM LIKE THAT BWAHAHAHAHA

76: ***************************

76: THERE. Is that better?

SOMBRA: no jack "ILoveToFuckGabrielReyes69<3" is not better

76: !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

WINSTON: Jack, you're a mess.

SOMBRA: you arent any better winston

WINSTON: What are you talking about?

SOMBRA: no one in their right fucking mind makes their password "password"

GENJI: OMG YOURE JOKING

PHARAH: Winston...

WINSTON: ...

SYMMETRA: Winston.

WINSTON: ..........

BRIGITTE: winston buddy you have to do better than that...

WINSTON: It wasn't that predictable!

SOMBRA: yes it was

SOMBRA: also while we are talking about it you need to change your debit card pin too

SOMBRA: why the fuck would you make it 1234

HANZO: He... what.

TRACER: OOOOO TIME TO GO SHOPPING LUVS

WINSTON: Don't you dare, Lena!

TRACER: whoops too late lol!!!!!!!

WINSTON: For crying out loud...

SOMBRA: this is your own fault winston

SOMBRA: come up with better passwords

LÚCIO: hey what did i miss

LÚCIO: oh cool a new security upgrade? so no one can see my password???

SOMBRA: right

LÚCIO: awesome! my password is despayeeto69420

GENJI: LOL

LÚCIO: ...

D.VA: LÚCIO OMG

LÚCIO: ...

PHARAH: Surely you're joking?

LÚCIO: ...

GENJI: brb gonna hack all of his socials

LÚCIO: DONT YOU FUCKING DARE YOU CRETIN

GENJI: TOO LATE BYE

[GENJI] is now idle.

LÚCIO: FUCK

[LÚCIO] is now idle.

BRIGITTE: i cant believe that actually worked

SOMBRA: i knew hed be dumb enough to fall for it lol

SOMBRA: hes the type of guy to take a photo of both sides of his shiny new credit card and post about it to instagram without censoring any of the important info

SYMMETRA: Don't tell me he's actually done that?

SOMBRA: oh he has lol

SOMBRA: more than once

SYMMETRA: Interesting. I always took the @COWBOY as the stupid one.

MCCREE: now hold on just a diddly damn minute

HANZO: Don't be so offended. You are pretty stupid.

MCCREE: :(

MCCREE: youre lucky i love you

HANZO: YOU'RE lucky I love YOU.

MCCREE: bruh

HANZO: <3

MCCREE: <3

ANA: gay

PHARAH: SHUT

ANA: love you my sweet daughter

PHARAH: Mother fucker.

REINHARDT: Actually, that's me!

PHARAH: !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

TRACER: LMAO

PHARAH: I swear to god I hate living.

D.VA: this chat has been amazing today i swear to god

BAPTISTE: Why do I hear Lúcio and Genji screaming right now?

D.VA: lúcio is an idiot and told everyone his password and genji said he was gonna hack him

D.VA: then they both went idle lol

BAPTISTE: Sounds like a fun situation to be in.

BAPTISTE: Do you think they need someone to intervene?

TRACER: probably lol

EMILY: "Probably".

TRACER: ok definitely

BAPTISTE: Well, since they've been screaming for about 5 minutes now and no one else has stepped up to the plate, I'll take one for the team and go investigate.

76: You're a godsend, Baptiste.

BAPTISTE: That's my job. Probably.

BAPTISTE: Anyways, I'll be back once I figure out what the hell is wrong with both of them.

[BAPTISTE] is now idle.

SOMBRA: this little prank has turned out better than expected

76: Aside from the part where you leaked my password.

WINSTON: And mine!

PHARAH: Wait, that wasn't a part of the joke?

76: ...

WINSTON: ...

SYMMETRA: Oh my god.

HAMMOND: I am not surprised. Winston never had the best cybersecurity when we were on the moon.

WINSTON: You barely talk in this chat to begin with, but you've just decided you're going to be active long enough to criticize me?

HAMMOND: Precisely.

WINSTON: You know what, Pharah? I'm with you. I also hate living.

TRACER: GOOD JOB SOMBRA YOU MADE THE GORILLA SUICIDAL

HANZO: Well that's certainly a sentence I can't say I've ever expected to read in my lifetime.

D.VA: same but its fucking funny and im cackling right now

SOMBRA: i wonder what genji and lúcio got up to

SOMBRA: i dont think i hear the yelling anymore

TRACER: well seems like whatever baptiste did helped defuse the situation!

SOMBRA: i can tap the camera feeds and check

WINSTON: Now Sombra, that is a major violation of their privacy.

SOMBRA: and you living is a major violation of rights for harambe who NEEDLESSLY DIED

D.VA: what the fuck is that even supposed to mean HAHAHAHAHAHAHA

WINSTON: I can't deal with you people.

SOMBRA: anyways camera feeds

SOMBRA: omg

SOMBRA: bruh

EMILY: What is it?

SOMBRA: theyre all just

SOMBRA: kissing each other????????

D.VA: you mean genji and lúcio are kissing each other?

SOMBRA: no i mean baptiste is also kissing them

D.VA: ????????? @GENJI @LÚCIO @BAPTISTE explain

[GENJI] is no longer idle.

[LÚCIO] is no longer idle.

[BAPTISTE] is no longer idle.

LÚCIO: we are hopelessly gay

BAPTISTE: You two are the hopeless ones.

ANA: gay

PHARAH: FFS

GENJI: we may be gay but im logged on to all of lúcios social medias now uploading photos of him when he was an emo preteen so who is the real winner here

LÚCIO: BITCH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

GENJI: whoops changed your password!!!!!!!!!

LÚCIO: BOI IM GONNA YEET YOUR CYBORG ASS INTO THE FUCKING OCEAN

GENJI: try me bitch

BAPTISTE: No

GENJI: ok

LÚCIO: understandable have a nice day

Chapter Text

MCCREE: @EVERYONE

MCCREE: GUESS WHAT

D.VA: bitch

PHARAH: Why...

SYMMETRA: Was tagging everyone necessary?

MCCREE: YES

BRIGITTE: i mean it probably wasn't but continue

HANZO: Knowing him, it definitely wasn't.

76: Bitch.

MOIRA: I have been summoned.

REAPER: What the hell do you want, cowboy?

MCCREE: i said GUESS!!!!!!!!!!

76: You're officially stepping down from Overwatch so I never have to see you again?

JUNKRAT: YOURE AMPUTATING YOUR OTHER ARM????

MEI: You've made yourself a better mechanical arm?

ORISA: I can turn you in to authorities for the reward money?

ZARYA: You're shaving that rat off of your puny face?

SOMBRA: youre showing us that one video of you when you were in 4th grade with the ramen noodles?

ASHE: You're coming back to the Deadlock Gang?

BOB: ...

MCCREE: jesus fucking christ you all suck at guessing

MCCREE: also @SOMBRA what the fuck???????? i literally havent thought about that video in so long how do you know about it????????

SOMBRA: hello??? worlds greatest hacker here???? i can get anything i want

MCCREE: you frighten me

SOMBRA: as i should

MCCREE: anyways no youre all very very wrong

MCCREE: i have.........

MCCREE: A BOX!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

SYMMETRA: ...

MOIRA: So basically, you tagged everyone in this chat... because you have a box.

MCCREE: yes

MOIRA: You're still a god damn fool, I see.

MCCREE: yes

MERCY: So WHY did you have to tag everyone about this?

MCCREE: because its exciting!!!!!!

SIGMA: ... So what's in the box?

MCCREE: aha heres the fun part

MCCREE: i will give you all a chance to redeem yourselves here

MCCREE: guess whats in the box

WIDOWMAKER: A sniper.

ROADHOG: A live pig

BASTION: ^ↀᴥↀ^

ZENYATTA: That's supposed to be a cat, before you ask.

GENJI: an inflatable water slide

HAMMOND: A female hamster.

MOIRA: A sample of your DNA for me to study.

TRACER: new shoes!!!!!!!

BAPTISTE: A new cowboy hat!

DOOMFIST: A replica of my gauntlet, because who wouldn't want that?

REAPER: Literally no one wants that, Akande.

DOOMFIST: I didn't ask for your opinion.

WIDOWMAKER: You literally did.

DOOMFIST: Shut the fuck up.

LÚCIO: a giant stereo!

TORBJÖRN: A hammer.

REINHARDT: A MASSIVE hammer!!!

ANA: a massive dildo

MCCREE: fucking hell i hate all of you

MCCREE: so let me address a few things here

MCCREE: @WIDOWMAKER you are very predictable

WIDOWMAKER: Are you surprised?

MCCREE: no

MCCREE: @ROADHOG you are also predictable but in a more wholesome way

ROADHOG: I don't get that a lot

MCCREE: that also doesnt surprise me

MCCREE: @BASTION you are too pure and innocent for this world and i would die for you

BASTION: ♡＾▽＾♡

ZENYATTA: He loves you.

MCCREE: !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I LOVE YOU TOO

MCCREE: @GENJI that would be amazing but unfortunately no

GENJI: damn :(

MCCREE: @HAMMOND are you... are you okay bud?

HAMMOND: Self-Assessment: Lonely rolling ball.

MCCREE: i will take that as a no

MCCREE: @MOIRA what the fuck is wrong with you

MOIRA: I'd ask the same about you, dear. That is why I wish to study you.

MCCREE: no

MCCREE: @TRACER that is surprisingly boring coming from you

EMILY: That's what I told her!

TRACER: well i figured it would be a better guess!!!

MCCREE: well unfortunately you were still wrong

MCCREE: @BAPTISTE your guess is good but no

BAPTISTE: Damn, thought for sure I'd have it.

MCCREE: @DOOMFIST reyes is right. i do not want that.

DOOMFIST: You are missing out.

MCCREE: @LÚCIO that sounds nice and all and i know you specifically would love that, but no

LÚCIO: :(

MCCREE: @TORBJÖRN you are wrong

MCCREE: @REINHARDT you are also wrong but your guess was more exciting than torbs

REINHARDT: Haha! What have I told you?!

TORBJÖRN: Oh, can it old man.

MCCREE: finally @ANA no

MCCREE: i have hanzo for that

HANZO: ...

ANA: gay

PHARAH: !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

SIGMA: So if everyone was wrong, then what is it? I am very excited to know!

MCCREE: well since you asked so nicely sigma, heres what was in it

[MCCREE] added [ECHO] to [GAY].

ECHO: Echo here! It's good to be back :)

MCCREE: weve missed you echo :D

MCCREE: @WINSTON look!!!!!

WINSTON: Echo!

ECHO: Hello, Winston!

GENJI: yoooo i remember echo!

REINHARDT: Greetings, Echo!

ANA: ooo i remember when echo was being made

TORBJÖRN: As do I, since I helped a bit with it.

76: Echo... been a long time since I've heard that name. I'm glad to see you again.

TRACER: oi echo howve you been luv!!!!!

MERCY: Wow, Echo... it's been quite a while, hasn't it?

ECHO: Hello everyone! I've missed you all too!

D.VA: who is echo?

MCCREE: glad you asked

MCCREE: so back in the good ol days of overwatch we had this really smart woman working with us, dr. mina liao

MCCREE: she was the one who made the first ever omnics

MCCREE: and @76 was like "what better way to understand the tech than to ask the person who made it?" or something like that idk

76: That about sums it up.

MCCREE: lit

MCCREE: but yeah so we hired dr. liao and while she was working with us she was working on this project, a cloning module omnic with top of the line artificial intelligence technology that would serve as an "echo" of herself

MCCREE: hence the name echo

MCCREE: but shes basically like an omnic version of dr. liao

JUNKRAT: ANOTHER FUCKIN OMNIC MATE

ROADHOG: You'll live

JUNKRAT: IF YOU SAY SO

JUNKRAT: SO WHY IS THERE AN OMNIC INSTEAD OF THE ACTUAL DOCTOR

76: Dr. Liao unfortunately passed away quite some time ago.

JUNKRAT: ...

JUNKRAT: OH

JUNKRAT: IM SORRY

ECHO: It's quite alright. I'm just glad to be here with you all again, and I'm always happy to meet new individuals! :)

BASTION: (。･∀･)ﾉ

ECHO: Hello there, Bastion!

BASTION: （＾ω＾）

GENJI: wait so why was she in a box

ECHO: I was packed away for safe-keeping before the attack that caused Dr. Liao to pass away was commenced.

MCCREE: and then in the rubble of the explosion some fucking goons stole the box

MCCREE: but i stole it back :^)

WINSTON: ... Jesse.

WINSTON: We need to talk about this.

MCCREE: hey i did you a favor by getting echo back

WINSTON: Just... stop committing crimes.

MCCREE: no

WINSTON: Sigh.

WINSTON: Well, no matter the circumstances... we're glad to have you here, Echo.

Chapter Text

[PRIVATE CORRESPONDENCE]

GENJI: hey

MCCREE: what

GENJI: i know you really like my brother or whatever

MCCREE: yes we have been dating for months now. why is this relevant

GENJI: well

GENJI: i know something you can say to him that will really woo him

GENJI: sweep him off his feet, if you will

MCCREE: i mean i kinda already do that

GENJI: no but like

GENJI: this is sure to 10000% win him over, i promise

GENJI: he will propose on the spot

MCCREE: alright then.. get on with it

GENJI: tell him "ビープビープレタス"

MCCREE: what in the everloving fuck does that mean

GENJI: it means "your beauty is unrivaled" in japanese

GENJI: it will make him fall for you all over again

MCCREE: well if you say so, i will give it a shot

══════════════════

[PRIVATE CORRESPONDENCE]

MCCREE: hey hanzo

HANZO: Yes?

MCCREE: ビープビープレタス

HANZO: ...

══════════════════

MCCREE: @GENJI WTF

GENJI: ?

MCCREE: WHY IS HANZO CRYING WITH LAUGHTER

MCCREE: I CAN HEAR HIM FROM MY FUCKING ROOM HES PRACTICALLY HOWLING

GENJI: it is tears of joy because you love him so much

MCCREE: WHAT DID I SAY TO HIM

GENJI: i told you the translation already!!!!!

D.VA: whats going on??

MCCREE: genji messaged me like "hey heres how to win my brother over, say this obscure japanese saying to him" and i figured ok why not

MCCREE: well i did it and hanzo just fucking died on the spot

MCCREE: he is laughing so hard. i went over to his room and he is just. he is doubled over and he is crying

HANZO: I must know, Jesse - what did Genji tell you the translation was?

MCCREE: he said it meant "your beauty is unrivaled" or something

HANZO: ...

MCCREE: HES LAUGHING EVEN HARDER NOW

MCCREE: I DIDNT THINK IT WAS POSSIBLE BUT HES DOING IT

MCCREE: HES SO RED AND TEARS ARE ROLLING DOWN HIS FACE

D.VA: GENJI WHAT DOES IT MEAN

GENJI: IT MEANS YOUR BEAUTY IS UNRIVALED!!!

HANZO: IT MEANS "BEEP BEEP LETTUCE"!

MCCREE: ...

D.VA: LMFAOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

GENJI: !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

D.VA: @EVERYONE LOOK GENJI JUST PLAYED MCCREE LIKE A FIDDLE

MOIRA: For your information, fiddles are actually very difficult instruments to play.

GENJI: hmmm shes right

GENJI: i played mccree like the cheap ass plastic kazoo that he is

D.VA: LMAO

JUNKRAT: BEEP BEEP LETTUCE?

JUNKRAT: I SAY THAT TO ROADY ALL THE TIME

JUNKRAT: @ROADHOG BEEP BEEP LETTUCE

ROADHOG: ...

ROADHOG: Beep beep lettuce

TRACER: the revelation about your relationship we didnt know we needed

JUNKRAT: HELL YEAH MATE

JUNKRAT: YOU KNOW RELATIONSHIPS ARE ABOUT BUILDING TRUST

JUNKRAT: YOU GOTTA LET YOURSELF BE VULNERABLE AROUND YOUR YOUR SIGNIFICANT OTHER, LIKE THIS

JUNKRAT: HEY @ROADHOG WHAT IS YOUR BIGGEST FEAR?

ROADHOG: Being forgotten

JUNKRAT: ... OH

JUNKRAT: THATS PRETTY DEEP

JUNKRAT: MINE IS THE KOOL AID MAN BUT I FEEL KINDA STUPID ABOUT IT NOW

TRACER: LOL WTF

D.VA: YOUNG LOVE IS INCREDIBLE

JUNKRAT: OI MATE WE ARE OLDER THAN YOU

D.VA: SHHHHHHHH

D.VA: you know just the other day i was thinking to myself

D.VA: "man i love brigitte so much and i care about her so much. she has impacted me in such a positive way"

D.VA: and i asked myself, "how do i show that to her?"

D.VA: and you know what i did?

JUNKRAT: WHAT?

D.VA: i sent her a meme at 2 am

D.VA: there was no previous context for it

D.VA: i just sent her a meme and went to sleep

BRIGITTE: it wasn't even a meme about love or romance or anything

TRACER: what was it?

BRIGITTE: [attached img ELEPHANTS.png]

MCCREE: ... why

MCCREE: LITERALLY WHY

GENJI: LOOOOOOL

GENJI: @D.VA WTF???

D.VA: IT WAS A GOOD MEME

BRIGITTE: was it though?

D.VA: YES IT WAS!!!!!!

76: You're all immature idiots.

76: The real key to romance is compatibility.

76: A good way to see how compatible you are is by taking your partner on dates.

76: I remember my first date with Reyes back in the day. It was very heartfelt and romantic.

MERCY: Didn't you just take him to Hot Topic?

76: ...

76: As I said.

76: Very heartfelt and romantic.

76: He loved it.

REAPER: I'm a simple man. Jack knows this.

MOIRA: I suppose none of you know how to treat your partners with a little more class?

76: You fucked Angela on the first date, Moira.

MOIRA: And?

MOIRA: I still treated her to a romantic candlelit dinner beforehand.

SOMBRA: i can confirm. she locked all of us out of the kitchen and dining room

MOIRA: I needed my space.

SOMBRA: you only made spaghetti tacos

D.VA: like the ones from that really old show icarly?

SOMBRA: exactly lol

MOIRA: Spaghetti Tacos are the finest cuisine I could offer Angela on our first date.

MERCY: To be fair, they were very good.

REINHARDT: [attached img SPAGHETTI_TACOS.png]

MOIRA: Thank you for your incredible contribution to this conversation, Reinhardt.

REINHARDT: No problem! Always glad to talk about the classics!

76: That show certainly is a classic... it's older than Reinhardt...

REINHARDT: Indeed it is, but I still grew up with it!

TRACER: didnt that show debut in like 2007 or something

76: That sounds about right.

76: But, back to the topic at hand - Reinhardt, you and Ana were always a thing, even before she disappeared. How do you both handle romance?

ANA: well you see jack the answer is simple

ANA: cause you see

ANA: i like his cock

76: ...

PHARAH: MOM HOLY FUCKING SHIT

D.VA: BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

TRACER: OOOOOOOOOOH MY GOD

GENJI: TMI THANKS ANA

MCCREE: MAAM PLEASE I DIDNT NEED TO KNOW THIS

PHARAH: WHY ARE YOU LIKE THIS

ANA: can you blame me???? look at the size of this man

PHARAH: STOP TALKING

REINHARDT: I'm sorry she's like this.

ANA: no you arent

PHARAH: STOOOOOP

ANA: make me bitch

PHARAH: I swear to god I wish I was never born sometimes

PHARAH: Okay well more like all the time

ANA: you love me

PHARAH: Debatable.

LÚCIO: ooo were talking about romance are we

LÚCIO: WHAT IS LOVE

LÚCIO: BABY DONT HURT ME

LÚCIO: DONT HURT ME

LÚCIO: NO MORE

GENJI: shut the fuck up

LÚCIO: understandable have a nice day

Chapter Text

MCCREE: dude i cant believe its already august

D.VA: ikr?????? thats wack

TRACER: summer is ending soon, thank god

D.VA: awwww summer was nice though!

TRACER: no luv

TRACER: its too fucking hot outside

TRACER: i prefer autumn/winter because when it gets too cold you can just layer on some more clothes

TRACER: y'know, bundle up in a cozy hat, some gloves, a warm scarf and heavy jacket, the usual

TRACER: but what do you too when its too hot? do you fucking strip your skin off?

MOIRA: Well, if you wanted that to be done to you, it could be arranged.

TRACER: ... no thanks

TRACER: but yes its too hot that is all

D.VA: thats fair

GENJI: literally like half the ac units on base are broken

TORBJÖRN: I know. I've been doing my best to fix them, but there's only so much I can accomplish in one day.

MEI: Speaking of staying cool, where has all of the ice been disappearing to?

LÚCIO: its been really hot

MEI: ... Yes, we've established this.

LÚCIO: since its been so hot ive been uh

LÚCIO: utilizing the ice

MEI: For what?

LÚCIO: well you see

SOMBRA: hes been dumping buckets full of ice in the bathtub three times a day every day for the past week

LÚCIO: BRUH

MEI: Why would you be so wasteful?!

LÚCIO: CANT YOU LIKE FUCKING MAKE ICE?????

MEI: It doesn't work quite like that...

ROADHOG: Look I usually don't mind the heat but

ROADHOG: Jamie fucking stinks

ROADHOG: Like worse than usual

D.VA: why doesnt he just shower

ROADHOG: He says it's too much effort for him

D.VA: then wtf does he usually do???

ROADHOG: He usually just takes some wet wipes and scrubs under his armpits long enough to get the stench to go away

ROADHOG: Which is still gross and unsanitary but it makes him not stink long enough for me to tolerate him

D.VA: yuck

76: So that's what I've been smelling...

76: I thought people were just letting the trash overflow again.

MCCREE: when is the trash not overflowing though?

76: I mean, ideally it would never overflow.

MCCREE: well sometimes you just gotta stick it to the man!!!!!!!!!!

76: Jesse.

76: Is "sticking it to the man" worth the kitchen constantly smelling like shit?

MCCREE: mmmmmmmm

MCCREE: debatable

TRACER: WAIT

TRACER: IVE GOT AN IDEA

TRACER: every time i have piloted the orca ive flown over this island that seems like a hot tourist spot

TRACER: theres obviously a beach, theres a boardwalk with a ton of shops and places to get really good food, theres a shit ton of super fun activities to do there

TRACER: we should go!!!!!!!! @WINSTON

WINSTON: You know, that doesn't seem like a bad idea in the slightest.

WINSTON: You've looked into it already?

TRACER: yeah!!! i can fly us all there and we can rent some hotel rooms!!!!!!

WINSTON: That sounds plausible.

WINSTON: I'm all for it!

WINSTON: @EVERYONE, start packing for the beach!

MERCY: Everyone?

WINSTON: Yes.

MERCY: Including Talon?

WINSTON: Yes.

JUNKRAT: INCLUDING THE OMNICS?

WINSTON: Yes.

ROADHOG: Including Jamie?

WINSTON: Maybe.

JUNKRAT: BITCH!!!!!!!!!!

WINSTON: Fine. But you need to shower beforehand. This is not negotiable.

JUNKRAT: NO WAY MATE

WINSTON: Alright, then enjoy being all by yourself on the base!

JUNKRAT: BUT THATS SO BOOOOOOOORING

WINSTON: Then shower up, you stinky little man.

TRACER: LMAO

D.VA: something about winston referring to someone as a "stinky little man" has got me feeling some type of way

REAPER: I haven't been to a beach in a long time.

SOMBRA: ah yes

SOMBRA: the last time you went to the beach you nearly fucking melted because you insisted on wearing your fucking grim reaper cloak everywhere

SOMBRA: you also pissed yourself because you couldnt unfasten it quickly enough and a bunch of little kids laughed at you

REAPER: SOMBRA.

SOMBRA: :^)

TRACER: wait he literally pissed himself? LMAO

SOMBRA: yea

SOMBRA: i still have pictures of it too

REAPER: Sombra, don't you fucking dare.

LÚCIO: no send the photos so we can all laugh at him

SOMBRA: hmmmmmm, tempting

SOMBRA: but i wont for now

SOMBRA: i will save them as blackmail for later

REAPER: I can't fucking stand you.

REAPER: Whatever. @TALON, get your shit packed up.

WINSTON: One request for the beach, though.

REAPER: What is it?

WINSTON: Don't show up in your battle gear or armor or anything... just... try to make yourself look like a normal human.

REAPER: What the hell do you mean look like a normal human?! You're a giant fucking gorilla! There's a fucking hamster in a gigantic fucking ball! We're also bringing LITERAL FUCKING OMNICS WITH US!

WINSTON: I more meant is as... don't show up wearing your stupid cloak.

WINSTON: And for everyone else, don't bring armor.

WINSTON: Everyone just dress casually.

REAPER: Fine!

WINSTON: I'm going to work on making the hotel reservations. Preferably a few of you would bunk together so I don't have to pay for as many rooms. Does anyone want to volunteer to share rooms?

76: I assume all of the couples are going to want to share rooms with each other.

PHARAH: You assume correctly.

WINSTON: Alright, so if I've got this right: Jesse will share with Hanzo, Jamie will share with Roadhog, Angela will share with Moira, Brigitte will share with Hana, Lena will share with Emily, Mei will share with Zarya, Pharah will share with Satya, Reinhardt will share with Ana, Sombra will share with Amélie, Genji will share with Baptiste and Lúcio... that brings us to 10 rooms so far.

WINSTON: Since the omnics technically don't sleep, I imagine they wouldn't mind bunkering down in the Orca?

ZENYATTA: That is fine.

WINSTON: Hammond has a portable hamster bed that he can bring, so he doesn't need a room. I also am fine staying in the Orca.

WINSTON: So, looks like the following people will have their own rooms: Ashe, Doomfist, Sigma, Jack, and Gabriel.

ASHE: Can Bob stay in my room?

WINSTON: ... Sure, I don't see why not.

ASHE: Lit.

DOOMFIST: Someone should probably stay with Siebren to keep an eye on him. I will bunk with him.

WINSTON: Sounds good! Guess that just leaves Jack and Gabriel.

REAPER: I guess I can share a room with Jack.

76: Whatever.

TRACER: dont act like you arent totally excited to sleep in the same bed with each other lmao

76: Who says we're sleeping in the same bed?

WINSTON: Me, because it's cheaper to rent rooms with one bed than it is with two.

76: ...

REAPER: ...

WINSTON: Alright, reservations are all booked!

WINSTON: @EVERYONE Let me know when you're all packed up, and @TALON, make your way to our Zürich base when you're ready.

TRACER: aye aye captain!!!!!

D.VA: im so excited :D

BRIGITTE: wait, you didn't mention anything about papa @WINSTON

WINSTON: Yeah. As soon as mention of the beach trip was brought up, he immediately messaged me privately saying he doesn't want to go.

TORBJÖRN: I find it much more relaxing to stay at my workshop. Besides, someone has to fix the AC units.

BRIGITTE: fair enough, i'll send you plenty of photos!

PHARAH: Wait, isn't that a lot of fucking people to fit onto the Orca?

WINSTON: We'll... cross that bridge when we get to it.

TRACER: the orca can hold a lot of people!

TRACER: probably

TRACER: oh yeah we will have to make a quick stop in london to pick up emily

WINSTON: Go do that now before we board everyone else.

TRACER: on it!

WINSTON: I'm genuinely looking forward to this trip. I hope everyone else is too!

Chapter Text

♩ TRACER: good afternoon everyone, this is your captain speaking! we are about to take off to island paradise!

♩ TRACER: is everyone on board?

♩ WINSTON: Just about, though before we take off I should mention: There's been a last-minute change of plans.

♩ TRACER: oi winston you need to plan these things out better

♩ GENJI: what is the change of plans

♩ ASHE: He has a stowaway.

♩ MCCREE: a what

♩ BRIGITTE: papa??? i thought you didn't want to go???

♩ TORBJÖRN: I didn't at first. But... it's been quite a while since I've been to the beach. I've been overworking myself a lot. Winston convinced me to tag along, so here I am.

♩ BRIGITTE: well i'm glad you're coming!

♩ TRACER: but wait, aren't the hotel rooms already booked? where is he gonna stay?

♩ WINSTON: About that.

♩ WINSTON: Ahem... I'm... sorry to impose this on you both, but Torb will be staying in the same room as Hana and Brigitte.

♩ D.VA: BRUH

♩ BRIGITTE: i thought there was only one bed in our room...

♩ WINSTON: He's... small... you can make it work.

♩ D.VA: B R U H

♩ MCCREE: how did you say the spaces in between the letters?????

♩ D.VA: dont ask questions you arent prepared to hear the answers to cowboy

♩ MCCREE: okay then

♩ TRACER: well seems like brigitte and hana are gonna have a hyuuuuuuuge cock block!!

♩ EMILY: Lena!

♩ EMILY: You can't just say these things!

♩ MCCREE: BWAHAHAHAHAHAHA

♩ BAPTISTE: To be fair... it won't be a HUGE cockblock.

♩ BAPTISTE: Torbjörn is a very short man.

♩ GENJI: OH MY GOD HAHAHAHA

BASTION: ( ╹ਊ╹)

♩ ZENYATTA: That is a laughing face.

♩ ZENYATTA: Baptiste did a funny. Ha ha.

♩ LÚCIO: bastion and zen just made this like 10x better

♩ BRIGITTE: it's fine i guess... we can work something out hana. i'm just glad papa will be there after all

♩ D.VA: okay but like

♩ D.VA: what about all of the wild and outrageous sex we were gonna have

♩ BRIGITTE: hana!!!!!!!!!!

♩ 76: Ma'am. You are a CHILD.

♩ D.VA: i am 19 and you are an elderly man shut the fuck up

♩ 76: >:(

♩ MCCREE: how are people saying these things out loud hello???????????????

♩ WINSTON: We're all in the dropship, just listen to what he says when he sends the message...

♩ MCCREE: but that would imply that i am listening to anyone at all

♩ MCCREE: which i am not

♩ TRACER: OOOOOO one more important thing before we take off

[TRACER] changed channel name to [TEEN BEACH MOVIE].

♩ 76: That movie is older than all of us, Jesus.

♩ 76: I'm surprised you know what it is.

♩ TRACER: im just full of surprises arent i???????

♩ TRACER: alright everyone, we are off to paradise!

══════════════════

A FEW HOURS LATER

══════════════════

GENJI: this hotel is really fucking fancy

MCCREE: its mighty swanky if i do say so myself

PHARAH: Swanky?

MCCREE: swanky like my wanky

HANZO: Jesse.

PHARAH: I hate you.

TRACER: why is that the funniest thing you have ever said???????

ANA: because he has no personality outside of being a stupid fucking cowboy

ANA: all he is is "YEE HAW"s and "HAW YEE"s and "YANKEE FUCKIN DOODLE DOO"s

LÚCIO: ANA LMAOOOOOOOOO

MCCREE: :(

HANZO: She's not wrong.

MCCREE: YOURE SUPPOSED TO BE ON MY SIDE

HANZO: Just because we are dating doesn't mean I owe you shit.

D.VA: LOL

BAPTISTE: Get dunked on.

76: This is what you get for saying stupid shit like "swanky like my wanky".

MCCREE: IT WAS FUNNY

TRACER: okay it was but youre still stupid

MCCREE: shut up lena

TRACER: or else what????

MCCREE: i will yeet your chronal accelerator across the fucking mediterranean sea

TRACER: eh

MCCREE: that wasnt threatening enough???

MCCREE: ok fine i will give your chronal accelerator to junkrat for him to turn it into a bomb

JUNKRAT: YOU WILL???????????

TRACER: OH NO THE FUCK YOU WONT

WINSTON: Please guys, we just got here. Can't you save your bickering for a little later? Give us time to settle in at least.

TRACER: ffffffffffine

MCCREE: whatever

MCCREE: i can fight her later

TRACER: BITCH

BRIGITTE: this room is really nice!

D.VA: theres a really big shower

D.VA: ;)))))

BRIGITTE: h a n a

D.VA: yesssss? ;)

TORBJÖRN: Oh please, none of that while I'm here. I'm sure you both can go a few days without "getting it on".

76: I have my doubts. They both act like horny teenagers.

REAPER: One of them is a horny teenager.

D.VA: shhhhhhhhhhh

TORBJÖRN: Jack, don't go acting like you and Gabriel aren't horny teenagers.

76: ...

REAPER: ...

SOMBRA: look normal im all about sitting here and watching this drama unfold

SOMBRA: but we are on vacation now!!!!!! lets go have some fun in the sun!!!!!!!!

WIDOWMAKER: She's right. We didn't come here for nothing.

WINSTON: Alright everyone, let's make our way down to the beach!

══════════════════

30 MINUTES LATER

══════════════════

GENJI: YEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEET

WINSTON: We... just got here. What on earth is he doing?

MOIRA: He is Naruto running.

HANZO: Why am I not surprised you would know about something related to Naruto?

MOIRA: I am weeb trash.

MOIRA: I must go, my people are calling.

WINSTON: She's "Naruto running" with Genji now.

WINSTON: Solid start to our trip.

TRACER: wait what if a whole bunch of us just naruto run around the beach

TRACER: we can be an army

LÚCIO: if i saw an impending army of naruto runners approaching me on the beach while i was just relaxing i would be scared shitless

TRACER: exactly!

LÚCIO: well you drive a hard bargain

LÚCIO: @BAPTISTE let us join them

BAPTISTE: Let's.

MERCY: I... suppose I should tag along to make sure Moira doesn't get into any trouble.

ANA: IM COMING TOO

REINHARDT: ME AS WELL!

D.VA: same!!!!!!!!!!!!! brig wanna come?

BRIGITTE: no thanks, i'll set up our beach towels and umbrella

D.VA: boring >:( love you tho

ANA: gay

PHARAH: !!!

WINSTON: I can't even believe this.

SOMBRA: im recording it LOL

REAPER: Of course you are.

REAPER: They all look absolutely pathetic.

SOMBRA: dont act like you dont wanna go join them

REAPER: ...

REAPER: Tell no one.

SOMBRA: you just told the entire chat so

REAPER: .....

REAPER: I'll be back.

SOMBRA: omg hes actually joining them hahahahahahaha

MCCREE: alright well while this all unfolds hanzo and i are gonna go find a bar

HANZO: We are?

MCCREE: yes darling

MCCREE: come along now

PHARAH: Brigitte, may Satya and I set up our towels near you and Hana?

BRIGITTE: sure!

SYMMETRA: Lovely, thank you. We can start setting up now.

MEI: Ooooo, we should play volleyball! That sounds so fun right now!

EMILY: I'm in!

JUNKRAT: CAN I PLAY???

MEI: Sure, the more the merrier!

ROADHOG: At least it will keep him from causing trouble or blowing things up

ROADHOG: I will also join you

ZARYA: I will join for you, Mei.

MEI: <3

ANA: gay

PHARAH: HOW DO YOU EVEN TYPE SO FAST? YOU HAVEN'T STOPPED RUNNING?????

PHARAH: I DIDN'T EVEN SEE YOU PULL OUT YOUR COMM??????

ANA: magic

PHARAH: ?????????????????

MEI: Well, back to Volleyball, we still need one more person to make the teams even.

76: I suppose I can spare some time for a round or two.

MEI: Yaaaaaaaay! Let's get started!

WINSTON: At least I know some of you are doing normal beach things.

WINSTON: That group is still running... how are they not out of energy yet?

TORBJÖRN: They were trained too well.

WINSTON: I suppose that's true. Why can't they give us this level of energy when we're actually out on missions?

TORBJÖRN: Because they don't care that much, Winston.

WINSTON: Sigh.

BOB: ...

BASTION: (*≧▽≦)

ORISA: I am not sure if that is in my programming. But I will try my best!

BOB: ...

ASHE: I'll... watch from afar. I need some sun.

SYMMETRA: What are they on about?

ZENYATTA: They're going to build a sandcastle.

PHARAH: Aww, that's cute. Are you going to join them?

ZENYATTA: I will remain in their presence; however, I much prefer to relax and take in the warmth of the sun.

ZENYATTA: I imagine I wouldn't be so good at building a sandcastle, anyways.

SIGMA: May... may I help with the sandcastle?

BASTION: d(￣◇￣)b

ZENYATTA: That's two thumbs up from Bastion.

BOB: ...

ASHE: Seems like Bob is fine with it too.

ORISA: I am also alright with this.

SIGMA: Splendid!

DOOMFIST: I have never seen him so excited.

WINSTON: Would probably help if you didn't hold him in captivity and use him as a human weapon.

DOOMFIST: Ouch.

DOOMFIST: Well, I might as well let him enjoy himself.

DOOMFIST: I will just lay in the sun.

SOMBRA: well youre boring arent you

WIDOWMAKER: I will be joining him.

SOMBRA: ughhhhhhhhh booooooooooring

WINSTON: What are you going to do, Echo?

ECHO: I'm going surfing! The weather is lovely and the waves are perfect!

WINSTON: Wow, sounds fun! Good luck out there!

ECHO: Thank you, Winston!

WINSTON: Of course! Also, has anyone seen Hammond? He left his mech in the Orca, and he is the same color as the sand, so it's a bit hard to keep track of him.

HAMMOND: I am one with the sandcastle.

HAMMOND: They are making me a throne.

WINSTON: How... are you talking here without your mech?

HAMMOND: Mind link. I don't need to be in the mech for it to translate my thoughts into this channel.

WINSTON: Fair enough.

WINSTON: Well, enjoy your throne.

HAMMOND: Thank you.

TORBJÖRN: I'm gonna keep an eye on Bastion. You know... just in case something happens.

WINSTON: Sure thing, Torbjörn. Just make sure you actually take some time to relax as well - that's the whole point of this trip, after all.

TORBJÖRN: I will, eventually. Probably.

WINSTON: Torbjörn.

TORBJÖRN: Alright, alright, I will.

TORBJÖRN: Thanks for looking out for me.

WINSTON: It's my job. Literally.

WINSTON: But I also do genuinely care about you and everyone else here.

WINSTON: So it's no problem!

WINSTON: Everyone seems to genuinely be having a lot of fun right now, and that makes me very pleased. I'm glad Lena suggested this trip.

WINSTON: I'll let myself sit back and relax now that I know everyone is having a good time.

Chapter Text

GENJI: WHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO wants to go to the arcade with me and bap and luc

TRACER: OOOOO MEMEMEMEMEMMEEMEMEMMEME

EMILY: I guess that means I will also be tagging along!

D.VA: of COURSE i am coming to an arcade

D.VA: if you thought i would say no you are smoking crack

D.VA: brigggg youre coming too right????

BRIGITTE: of course!

JUNKRAT: OOOH CAN ME AND ROADIE COME?????

ROADHOG: Pretty sure it was an open invitation

GENJI: it was

JUNKRAT: YAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!

ROADHOG: Idiot

GENJI: alright then looks like thats everyone

GENJI: lets go!

══════════════════

30 MINUTES LATER

══════════════════

♩ BAPTISTE: Jeez. This is probably the biggest arcade I've ever seen.

♩ GENJI: i think so for me as well, the one back in hanamura wasnt nearly this large

♩ BRIGITTE: there's so much to do! where would you like to start, ha-

♩ D.VA: MARIOKARTMARIOKARTMARIOKARTMARIOKARTMARIOKARTMARIOKART

♩ BRIGITTE: okay, okay! we'll go to mario kart first! show me where it i-

♩ LÚCIO: aaaaaaaand there they go

♩ LÚCIO: gotta be honest, didnt think she was capable of having that much energy

♩ JUNKRAT: OOOOOO ROADIE THEY HAVE SO MANY CRANE GAMES!!!!!!!!!!!

♩ JUNKRAT: YOU ANY GOOD AT THEM MATE??

♩ ROADHOG: Eh

♩ JUNKRAT: CMON ROADIE

♩ JUNKRAT: LETS WIN SOME NEW BUDDIES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

♩ ROADHOG: Doesn't seem like I have a choice to be honest

♩ JUNKRAT: YOU DONT

♩ TRACER: say em, you ever played ddr?

♩ EMILY: Dance Dance Revolution, right? Haven't played in years, I might not be so good anymore...

♩ TRACER: forget about being good! we are here to have fun! lets go!!!!!!!!!!!

♩ EMILY: Well, if you insist!

♩ BAPTISTE: Well, what would you both like to do?

♩ LÚCIO: guitar hero

♩ GENJI: guitar hero

♩ BAPTISTE: Did you just... say that simultaneously?

♩ LÚCIO: yes

♩ GENJI: yes

♩ BAPTISTE: Wait... Guitar Hero is only for two players.

♩ GENJI: did you think we wouldnt include you? the plan is to take turns

♩ BAPTISTE: ... Oh. Yes. I suppose that is a thing, huh.

♩ LÚCIO: did you genuinely think we were going to exclude you?

♩ BAPTISTE: ... No.

♩ GENJI: bap.

♩ BAPTISTE: Maybe.

♩ LÚCIO: bap

♩ BAPTISTE: ... Yes.

♩ LÚCIO: listen i know we suck and that we are also assholes but we dont suck that much

♩ LÚCIO: we love you man

♩ GENJI: indeed we do

♩ GENJI: anyways I GET DIBS ON THE RED GUITAR

♩ LÚCIO: BRUH???????????????????

♩ BAPTISTE: ... Thank you for the reassurance. I appreciate it.

♩ LÚCIO: of course!!!

♩ BAPTISTE: Now go get that red guitar before Genji does.

♩ LÚCIO: i will or ill die trying

══════════════════

MEANWHILE

══════════════════

♩ BRIGITTE: so who are you playing as hana?

♩ D.VA: daisy!!! i think shes super cute!!

♩ BRIGITTE: yeah???

♩ D.VA: but not as cute as youuuuuuuuu!!!

♩ BRIGITTE: awww hana i love you!

♩ D.VA: i love you too!! but im gonna kick your butt!

♩ BRIGITTE: oh its ON

♩ BRIGITTE: i'm gonna be yoshi!!

♩ D.VA: awww yoshi is also super cute!!! still gonna kick your ass though

♩ BRIGITTE: alright here we go!

♩ D.VA: 3...

♩ BRIGITTE: 2...

♩ D.VA: 1...

♩ BRIGITTE: GO!!!

♩ D.VA: WOOO! taken the lead!!

♩ BRIGITTE: not for long, take this!

♩ D.VA: ooo you did not just throw a red shell at me, i will make you regret that!

♩ BRIGITTE: i regret nothing, except not being in first place sooner!

♩ D.VA: look out, someone threw a blue shell!

♩ BRIGITTE: huh? where?

♩ D.VA: made ya look! rightfully back in first place!

♩ BRIGITTE: damn you! i'll get back, just you wait...

♩ BRIGITTE: wait, look out, like for real, you're about to get bombarded with shells

♩ D.VA: ha nice try! im not falling for th- FUCK

♩ BRIGITTE: tried to warn you hahaha

♩ D.VA: its ok, i can catch u- FUCK

♩ D.VA: WHY ARE THERE SO MANY FUCKING BANANA PEELS

♩ BRIGITTE: hehehe, good question!

♩ D.VA: FRICK YOU

♩ D.VA: no way

♩ D.VA: we are already on the third lap???

♩ D.VA: AND IM IN LAST PLACE????????

♩ BRIGITTE: victory will be mine!!!

♩ D.VA: not if i have anything to say about it.....

♩ D.VA: STAR POWER BABEY!!!!!!!!

♩ BRIGITTE: cute, but wont be enough to get back in first place

♩ D.VA: thats what you think, just wait and see what ive got in store for you

♩ BRIGITTE: you're bluffing

♩ BRIGITTE: i'm not scared of you

♩ D.VA: you should be!!!

♩ BRIGITTE: why... oH FUCK

♩ D.VA: HAHAHAHAHA

♩ D.VA: BLUE SHELL FOR THE WIN

♩ D.VA: GG, NO HAX REQUIRED

♩ BRIGITTE: damn you!! still finished 2nd place though

♩ BRIGITTE: oh well, no one i'd rather lose to

♩ D.VA: awww thats sweet! now lets go win some tickets!

♩ BRIGITTE: sounds like a plan!

══════════════════

MEANWHILE

══════════════════

♩ JUNKRAT: ALRIGHT ROADIE, YOU GONNA WIN US SOME GOOD NEW PALS?

♩ ROADHOG: I'll sure try

♩ JUNKRAT: OOO LETS DO THIS ONE FIRST

♩ JUNKRAT: IT HAS MINECRAFT PACHIMARIS IN IT

♩ ROADHOG: Ok

♩ ROADHOG: Here goes nothing

♩ JUNKRAT: OKAY YOU NEED TO PUT YOUR CLAW BACK A LITTLE MORE... A LITTLE MORE... A LIT-

♩ ROADHOG: Shut the fuck up please

♩ JUNKRAT: OK

♩ JUNKRAT: YOU GOT ONE!!!!!!!!!!!

♩ JUNKRAT: A LITTLE CREEPER PACHIMARI!!!!!!!!!!!

♩ JUNKRAT: ON YOUR FIRST TRY!!!!!!!!!!

♩ JUNKRAT: THINK YOU CAN WIN ANOTHER ONE???? I WANT A MOOSHROOM PACHIMARI

♩ ROADHOG: Yeah sure

♩ ROADHOG: Just gotta get it in the right position here

♩ JUNKRAT: HOLY SHIT ROADIE YOURE A NATURAL

♩ ROADHOG: I think I'm getting the hang of this

♩ ROADHOG: I want to win a Squid Pachimari

♩ ROADHOG: And an Enderman

♩ ROADHOG: And a Pig of course

♩ ROADHOG: Fuck I want all of them

♩ JUNKRAT: CAN I TRY??????

♩ ROADHOG: Sure, we have a lot of credits left anyways

♩ JUNKRAT: YAY!!!!!!

♩ JUNKRAT: FUCK I MISSED

♩ JUNKRAT: DAMN IT NOW IM SAD

♩ JUNKRAT: I WANTED TO WIN IT FOR YOU

♩ ROADHOG: It's okay, I'm proud of you for trying

♩ JUNKRAT: REALLY?????????

♩ ROADHOG: Yes

♩ ROADHOG: I'm gonna take a look at the other crane machines here if you want to keep trying this one

♩ ROADHOG: OKAY!!!!!!!!!

══════════════════

5 MINUTES LATER

══════════════════

♩ JUNKRAT: I FINALLY WON ONE!!! I WON THE SQUID PACHIMARI!!!!!! I GOTTA GO TELL ROADIE!!!!

♩ JUNKRAT: ROADIEEEEEE!!! OH ROADIEEEE!!! COME OUT COME OUT WHEREVER YOU ARE!!!

♩ ROADHOG: Hi

♩ ROADHOG: I won a few more Pachimaris

♩ JUNKRAT: THATS FUCKING AWES- WHAT THE FUCK

♩ JUNKRAT: THERES SO MANY?????? WHAT THE FUCK???????? HOW THE FUCK DID YOU DO THAT SO FAST

♩ ROADHOG: Eh

♩ JUNKRAT: HOW THE FUCK ARE YOU CARRYING THOSE???????

♩ ROADHOG: My arms are big

♩ JUNKRAT: WELL THERE MUST ONLY BE ONE EXPLANATION

♩ JUNKRAT: IM DATING A MAGICAL WIZARD!!!

♩ ROADHOG: I just said-

♩ JUNKRAT: YOURE MAGIC!!!!!!!

♩ JUNKRAT: AW BUT MAN THAT MAKES ME FEEL KINDA SHITTY NOW

♩ JUNKRAT: I TOOK SO LONG TO WIN THIS FOR YOU BUT IT DOESNT FEEL AS SIGNIFICANT NOW

♩ JUNKRAT: OH WELL I WILL JUST SET IT ON TOP OF THE REST OF YOUR PACHIMARIS

♩ ROADHOG: ... Thank you, really

♩ ROADHOG: It means a lot that you worked so hard to win this for me

♩ ROADHOG: Here, I'll teach you how to get better and we can win the rest of them

♩ JUNKRAT: I'D LOVE THAT!!!!!

══════════════════

MEANWHILE

══════════════════

♩ EMILY: So, DDR huh?

♩ TRACER: yeah! i love this game! always a great workout as well

♩ TRACER: what song should we do? you can pick!

♩ EMILY: Hmm... there's so many choices!

♩ EMILY: Oooh! How about this one?

♩ TRACER: good choice!!! ya ready?

♩ EMILY: Ready as I'll ever be I suppose!

♩ TRACER: lets gooooooooooo!

♩ EMILY: Oh jeez, this is hard...

♩ TRACER: what are you on about love? this is EASYYYYYY

♩ EMILY: ...

♩ EMILY: Bruh

♩ EMILY: That's cheating!!! You're using your chronal thingy!!!!

♩ TRACER: am not!!!! im just really good!!!!!

♩ EMILY: This game is so hard what the heck

♩ TRACER: youll get the hang of it love!

♩ EMILY: I'm... already... out of... breath... phew!

♩ EMILY: You were... right about... this... being... a workout!

♩ TRACER: woooo, aced it!! what'd you get em?

♩ TRACER: em???

♩ TRACER: oh jesus fuck let me help you out love

♩ EMILY: Thank... you!

♩ TRACER: there we go love, all better! now wanna play another round?

♩ EMILY: Absolutely the fuck not!

♩ TRACER: fair enuff! whaddya wanna do then?

♩ EMILY: I saw some Skeeball machines on the way in, I would like to play that!

♩ TRACER: alright love, show me the way!

══════════════════

A MOMENT LATER

══════════════════

♩ EMILY: Alright, here they are! You ready?

♩ TRACER: sure am luv!

♩ TRACER: i was never too great at these games so here goes nothing

♩ TRACER: oops

♩ EMILY: Where did the ball even go???

♩ TRACER: somewhere behind us i think

♩ TRACER: its alright ill try again

♩ TRACER: oops

♩ EMILY: Lena...

♩ TRACER: its fine luv! it only landed in a nearby trashcan

♩ TRACER: ive got this one in the bag! here goes!

♩ JUNKRAT: OW WHAT THE FUCK????????????

♩ TRACER: OOPS

♩ EMILY: DID YOU JUST HIT JUNKRAT WITH THAT????

♩ EMILY: BAHAHAHAHAHAHA

♩ TRACER: ITS FINE OKAY

♩ EMILY: Alright, let's take this from the top. First we need to get all the balls ba-

♩ TRACER: already done luv!

♩ EMILY: Okay, maybe don't use your chronal accelerator's abilities in public.

♩ TRACER: pffffffft its fiiiiiiiiine

♩ EMILY: Anyways, you are being way too aggressive. You need to be gentle. Slow and steady wins the race, just watch.

♩ TRACER: omg did that just go in the 100???? ive never seen anyone do that!

♩ EMILY: Do you want to try again?

♩ TRACER: the whole "slow and steady" thing is a bit hard for me but ill try!

♩ EMILY: Here, let me help. I'll stand behind you and guide your arms.

♩ TRACER: like this?

♩ EMILY: Exactly! Now just roll it up the ramp, not with too much force.

♩ TRACER: here goes nothing

♩ EMILY: You did it!

♩ TRACER: it didnt even go in any of the holes worth points

♩ EMILY: It's okay! You're practicing! And at least it didn't end up halfway across the arcade that time.

♩ TRACER: i spose youre right about that!

♩ EMILY: I'll show you the technique one more time, then I want you to try on your own.

♩ TRACER: ok

♩ EMILY: Remember, don't be too aggressive with it. Just like this.

♩ TRACER: jesus 100 again??? like are you a robot?????

♩ EMILY: Pretty sure I'm not. Anyways, give it another go!

♩ TRACER: ok lets do this

♩ TRACER: oh my gosh!!! it went in for 10 points!!!!

♩ EMILY: You've got the hang of it now! Let's keep going and win some tickets!

♩ TRACER: im gonna watch you finish off the rest of your play before i keep going

♩ EMILY: That's fine!

♩ TRACER: 100.... 100..... 100..... jesus fucking christ em..... 100 again?! did you score 100 on every single fucking ball?!

♩ EMILY: Huh, I guess I did. Neat.

♩ TRACER: HOW ARE YOU SO CHILL I DONT UNDERSTAND

♩ EMILY: I guess I'm just good at this, I always played skeeball with my family whenever we would go to arcades. It's my favorite!

♩ TRACER: maybe we should come to arcades more often then!!! lets win more tickets!!

♩ EMILY: Agreed!

══════════════════

MEANWHILE

══════════════════

♩ LÚCIO: awesome round bap! youve really got the hang of the game now!

♩ BAPTISTE: Why thank you! I've learned from the best.

♩ GENJI: he means me

♩ BAPTISTE: I mean both of you.

♩ BAPTISTE: It is pretty tiring though. I just want to watch from now on.

♩ LÚCIO: im fine with that

♩ LÚCIO: im gonna be honest

♩ LÚCIO: genji and i have been holding back

♩ LÚCIO: but now its time to amp it up

♩ GENJI: are you suggesting what i think you are?

♩ LÚCIO: expert difficulty????

♩ GENJI: indeed

♩ GENJI: but i get to choose the song

♩ LÚCIO: fine i dont care

♩ GENJI: sweet

♩ LÚCIO: WAIT

♩ LÚCIO: YOU ARENT

♩ LÚCIO: YOU WOULDNT

♩ GENJI: oh i would

♩ BAPTISTE: What is he doing???

♩ LÚCIO: hes gonna pick through the fire and flames.....

♩ JUNKRAT: DID I HEAR THROUGH THE FIRE AND FLAMES??????? ON EXPERT??????? C'MON ROADIE, LETS GO WATCH!!!!!!!!

♩ D.VA: ooooo brig lets watch as well!!! i wanna see this!!!

♩ TRACER: em come see this!

♩ BAPTISTE: I don't... understand the significance of this?

♩ LÚCIO: through the fire and the flames on expert is notoriously known for being the most difficult guitar hero song basically ever

♩ LÚCIO: i have never beaten it before but i guess genji is feeling pretty ballsy right now

♩ GENJI: alright, here it is, through the fire and the flames on expert. are you ready?

♩ LÚCIO: nope!

♩ GENJI: excellent. lets begin!

♩ BAPTISTE: What the fuck?

♩ BAPTISTE: Why are there so many notes? What the fuck????

♩ BRIGITTE: i don't understand how genji is hitting all of them!

♩ ROADHOG: He literally hasn't missed once

♩ D.VA: lúcio you okay bud?

♩ LÚCIO: not really no

♩ LÚCIO: my fingers hurt

♩ GENJI: we arent even at the first chorus yet you coward

♩ LÚCIO: ITS THE HARDEST SONG IN THE GAME OKAY

♩ EMILY: This is insane...

♩ TRACER: literally i cant even go this fast like what the fuck

♩ BAPTISTE: I really don't understand how he's doing this...

♩ JUNKRAT: AND IT AINT EVEN THE HARDEST PART YET MATE

♩ BAPTISTE: IT'S NOT?!

♩ LÚCIO: at least we finally got past the first chorus

♩ LÚCIO: i get a quick breOH FUCK NEVERMIND

♩ D.VA: BAHAHAHAHA

♩ ROADHOG: This is one of the only times I will feel bad for Lúcio

♩ LÚCIO: bruh

♩ BAPTISTE: I still can't believe this isn't the hardest it gets...

♩ BAPTISTE: Like, you're lying to me, right?

♩ BRIGITTE: nope, it gets a LOT worse

♩ TRACER: poor lúcio is missing so much ahaha

♩ EMILY: Yeah, kinda surprised he hasn't just given up yet...

♩ LÚCIO: IM STUBBORN

♩ JUNKRAT: OOOOOO THE SOLOS ARE COMING UP

♩ GENJI: i am ready

♩ LÚCIO: IM NOT BITCH

♩ BAPTISTE: Literally what the fuck

♩ BRIGITTE: i'm out of breath just watching them!

♩ EMILY: Me too, wow...

♩ ROADHOG: And Genji still hasn't missed a single note

♩ BAPTISTE: HOW??????

♩ BAPTISTE: LIKE I DON'T UNDERSTAND???

♩ LÚCIO: NEITHER DO I BAPTISTE

♩ BAPTISTE: Deeeeeeeep breaths, you're panting really hard...

♩ LÚCIO: I CANT FAIL

♩ TRACER: i mean you can and most likely will

♩ LÚCIO: SHUT THE FUCK UP

♩ D.VA: HAHAHAHAHAHAHA

♩ BAPTISTE: IT'S GETTING FASTER?! WHAT THE FUCK?!

♩ BAPTISTE: This isn't real. I'm in a simulation.

♩ JUNKRAT: OOOO ARE WE? CAN I GET A MILLION BUCKS?

♩ ROADHOG: No idiot

♩ JUNKRAT: AWWWWWWWW

♩ GENJI: shhhhhhhh

♩ GENJI: must focus

♩ BAPTISTE: HOW FUCKING LONG IS THIS SOLO?

♩ D.VA: its almost over

♩ LÚCIO: thankfully

♩ LÚCIO: PHEEEEEEEEEEW

♩ LÚCIO: JESUS THAT SUCKED

♩ BAPTISTE: THE SONG ISN'T OVER???????

♩ BRIGITTE: just a little bit more to go!

♩ LÚCIO: THE END IS IN SIGHT

♩ GENJI: unfortunate

♩ D.VA: NO WAY

♩ TRACER: DID GENJI NOT MISS ONCE????

♩ GENJI: i did not miss

♩ JUNKRAT: FUCKING WOW MATE

♩ JUNKRAT: INCREDIBLE

♩ BAPTISTE: Luc looks like he needs medical attention...

♩ GENJI: he will be fine

♩ BRIGITTE: uh, genji? the machine is smoking.....

♩ GENJI: lets juuuuuuuuust.... back away and pretend we were never here

♩ LÚCIO: agreed

♩ LÚCIO: WAIT LOOK THERES A PHOTO BOOTH GUYS

♩ LÚCIO: LETS GO TAKE PICTURES

♩ D.VA: OOOOOOO yes!!!!

♩ D.VA: couples first then we all try to squeeze in for group pics???

♩ LÚCIO: heck yeah

♩ GENJI: ladies first

♩ TRACER: cmon em! we will be speedy!

♩ EMILY: I'm sure we will be, haha.

♩ TRACER: OH MY GOSH THEYRE SO CUTE

♩ TRACER: YOURE SO CUTE AAAAAAAAAA

♩ D.VA: me and brig next!!!!

♩ BRIGITTE: i will carry you!

♩ D.VA: oh my god im so GAY

♩ JUNKRAT: ROADIE LETS GET A FEW OF THE PACHIMARIS IN OUR PHOTOS

♩ ROADHOG: I'll try

♩ JUNKRAT: CHEEEEEEEEESE!!!!!!!!!

♩ ROADHOG: Dumbass

♩ JUNKRAT: I LOVE YOU TOO

♩ LÚCIO: us next?

♩ GENJI: yup

♩ BAPTISTE: Let's go!

♩ GENJI: how are you both so photogenic????

♩ BAPTISTE: It runs in my family. Never really been camera shy.

♩ LÚCIO: i can tell hot damn

♩ D.VA: ALRIGHT GROUP PHOTO TIME

♩ D.VA: EVERYONE CRAM

♩ BRIGITTE: let roadhog go in first maybe

♩ D.VA: oh yeah that seems smart

♩ ROADHOG: Okay I'm in

♩ D.VA: alright NOW everyone cram

♩ LÚCIO: jesus fuck there isnt enough space in here for us

♩ D.VA: ITS FINE WE WILL BE QUICK OK

♩ D.VA: SAY "OVERWATCH"!

♩ JUNKRAT: OVERWATCH!!

♩ BRIGITTE: overwatch!

♩ LÚCIO: overwatch!!!

♩ BAPTISTE: Overwatch!

♩ ROADHOG: No

♩ GENJI: overwatch

♩ EMILY: Overwatch!!!!!

♩ TRACER: overwatchhhhhhhh!

♩ D.VA: AWWWWWWW IT CAME OUT SO GOOD

♩ ROADHOG: I think I broke the seat

♩ LÚCIO: its fiiiiiiiiiiiine

♩ D.VA: oh i just remembered i have a shit ton of tickets

♩ D.VA: be right back

♩ BRIGITTE: where ya going?

♩ D.VA: just stay here a sec!

♩ EMILY: We got loads of tickets too, come to think of it.

♩ TRACER: didja wanna use them on anything?

♩ EMILY: Hmmmm... I think we should save them! We can get a MASSIVE prize when we come back in the future!

♩ TRACER: agreed!

♩ LÚCIO: here comes hana- what the fuck is she holding?

♩ BRIGITTE: oh my god, that's a HUGE stuffed bear!!!

♩ D.VA: its- f-for you!

♩ BRIGITTE: oh my god thank you!!!! let me take it though you look like you're going to collapse

♩ D.VA: do y-you like it?

♩ BRIGITTE: i LOVE it!!!! and you!!!!

♩ D.VA: i love you too!!!

♩ EMILY: Oh right, I think a few of the others were headed to the boardwalk, and Lena and I said we'd meet up with them after the arcade. You ready?

♩ TRACER: yeah! lets go!

♩ D.VA: can me and brig come as well???

♩ EMILY: I'm sure they won't mind!

♩ BRIGITTE: awesome! let's drop this bear off at the hotel first though

♩ EMILY: Thanks guys, it was super fun. Catch you all later!

♩ LÚCIO: we should do this again some time

♩ GENJI: agreed for sure

♩ BAPTISTE: I had a blast. I'm tired now though.

♩ GENJI: i think everyone is gonna go relax for a bit now

♩ LÚCIO: that sounds really nice yes

♩ LÚCIO: but we will definitely come back one day!

Chapter Text

♩ MERCY: How many of us were supposed to be here again? I forget.

♩ ANA: me, you, moira, reinhardt, fareeha, amélie, sombra, jack, gabriel... i think that was everyone

♩ PHARAH: I think Hana, Brigitte, Lena, and Emily were also tagging along after they finished up at the arcade.

♩ BRIGITTE: we're here, we're here!!! sorry for the wait, everyone!

♩ REINHARDT: How DARE you keep us waiting?!

♩ D.VA: im sorry pls dont hurt us

♩ REINHARDT: Bahaha! I wouldn't dream of it! I am just messing about anyhow!

♩ D.VA: good

♩ EMILY: Wow, the boardwalk is beautiful!

♩ TRACER: not as beautiful as you luv

♩ PHARAH: Don't say it.

♩ ANA: ...

♩ PHARAH: Don't.

♩ ANA: gay

♩ PHARAH: GOD damn IT

♩ 76: Did you expect anything different?

♩ PHARAH: I mean... no. But still.

♩ REAPER: Can't blame her for her wishful thinking, I suppose.

♩ 76: Guess you're right.

♩ 76: Regardless, we aren't here to stand around and discuss Ana's questionable reactions to how couples interact with each other. We're here to have some fun, right?

♩ REAPER: That's what you're calling it?

♩ 76: Shut up.

♩ MERCY: Oooh, Moira, we have to go on the Ferris wheel!! Let's go!

♩ MOIRA: Why do I feel like I'm not getting much choice in the matter?

♩ MERCY: Because you aren't. Come on!

♩ D.VA: i wanna play some boardwalk games!!!

♩ BRIGITTE: i mean, we WERE just at an arcade

♩ D.VA: yeah, but games are fun! and i like prizes!

♩ BRIGITTE: fair enough! anyone else want to tag along?

♩ ANA: reinhardt and i will

♩ SOMBRA: amélie and i will as well!

♩ WIDOWMAKER: Will we?

♩ SOMBRA: yes

♩ WIDOWMAKER: Sigh... alright.

♩ PHARAH: I think I will just explore a bit. There's a lot to take in here.

♩ 76: Well, we might as well also explore a bit then, right?

♩ REAPER: Sure, whatever.

♩ 76: Try not to sound too enthusiastic or anything.

♩ TRACER: ooo em, weve GOT to go shopping!!!

♩ EMILY: Alright, alright. Lead the way!

══════════════════

5 MINUTES LATER

══════════════════

♩ MERCY: I'm surprised the line for the Ferris wheel was this short, to be honest.

♩ MOIRA: Yes, I am quite surprised as well. But it's no matter.

♩ MERCY: You seem a little stiff, are you alright?

♩ MOIRA: I'm fine. Let's just... get this over with, since we're already here.

♩ MERCY: Moira, seriously. What's wrong?

♩ MOIRA: N-Nothing. Nowhere to go but up. We're already strapped in.

♩ MERCY: Are you... are you scared?

♩ MOIRA: No, of course not.

♩ MERCY: Moira.

♩ MOIRA: Maybe a little.

♩ MERCY: Moira.

♩ MOIRA: Okay, okay. Yes, I'm scared. I don't like heights.

♩ MERCY: Why didn't you say anything before we got on the Ferris wheel?

♩ MOIRA: You just... seemed so excited. I didn't want to let you down.

♩ MOIRA: Besides, I thought I was supposed to be the strong one. I know you're usually the "guardian angel", but I want to be strong for you.

♩ MERCY: Oh, Moira... that's very sweet of you, but I do feel incredibly bad now...

♩ MOIRA: Don't be, it's fi-fUCKIN' CHRIST

♩ MERCY: Moira, it's okay, we only moved a little bit, and the wheel is going really slow.

♩ MOIRA: S-sorry. Can't help it.

♩ MERCY: Here, give me your hand. Squeeze it if you're scar- fuck, maybe not that hard..

♩ MOIRA: Sorry! Fuck, I'm ruining this, aren't I?

♩ MERCY: No, I promise it's okay! I just wasn't expecting it. Squeeze as hard as you need to now, I promise I'm okay.

♩ MOIRA: You're sure?

♩ MERCY: What did I just say? Of course, I'm sure.

♩ MOIRA: Thank you, Angela. Truly.

♩ MERCY: Of course. So, why are you scared of heights?

♩ MOIRA: When I was younger, my family took me and my siblings to an amusement park, and they kind of... forced me to go on a really tall roller coaster.

♩ MERCY: Okay, but... why ? How would that benefit them?

♩ MOIRA: They thought that I'd get over my nerves if they just forced me on the coaster. They were wrong. I puked all over my brother.

♩ MERCY: Hehehe... sorry, that's a little funny.

♩ MOIRA: Oh, it was definitely after I was off the coaster. My brother was livid with me, and I told him, "then you shouldn't have forced me to ride on the coaster with you! I tried to warn you!"

♩ MERCY: Alright, Moira. Don't look down, but we're stopped at the top now.

♩ MOIRA: A-ah, I see.

♩ MERCY: It's okay, Moira. We're okay. I promise.

♩ MOIRA: I don't want to squeeze your hand too hard, I don't want to hurt you.

♩ MERCY: Maybe you need something else to calm your nerves?

♩ MOIRA: And what could that be?

♩ MERCY: Come here.

✨ smooch! ✨

♩ MOIRA: I... that did help. Thank you.

══════════════════

[PRIVATE CORRESPONDENCE]

ANA: gay

MERCY: How the fuck?

ANA: i have my methods

══════════════════

♩ MERCY: So, I know you don't love heights now... but was this okay?

♩ MOIRA: I was hesitant at first, but... you made it lovely.

♩ MERCY: I'm glad. Now let's go find something else to do that won't scare you half to death.

══════════════════

MEANWHILE

══════════════════

♩ BRIGITTE: there are so many games here! were there any you wanted to try, hana?

♩ D.VA: i dont care, i just like games

♩ BRIGITTE: here, there's one i can win pretty easily i bet!

♩ D.VA: high striker, huh? can i try?

♩ BRIGITTE: by all means, be my guest!

♩ D.VA: oh fuck me this mallet is kinda heavy

♩ BRIGITTE: not sure what you expected haha

♩ D.VA: here goes nothing... HNNNNNNN

♩ D.VA: bruh it barely went up ok

♩ BRIGITTE: here, let me try!

✨ DING ✨

♩ D.VA: I LOVE MY STRONG GIRLFRIEND

♩ BRIGITTE: which prize do you want?

♩ D.VA: can i get the big rainbow llama?

♩ BRIGITTE: of course! here you go!

♩ D.VA: my room is gonna be full of giant stuffed animals when we get back to the base and i am so HERE FOR IT

♩ BRIGITTE: i don't even think we'll have room for all of them to be honest

♩ D.VA: its fiiiiiiine... we will figure it out

♩ D.VA: ooh, now im curious

♩ BRIGITTE: about?

♩ D.VA: you know the game where you have to hold yourself up on a bar for a while to get a prize?

♩ BRIGITTE: yeah?

♩ D.VA: can you do that?

♩ BRIGITTE: if there's one here, i can try!

♩ D.VA: YAY

♩ D.VA: theres one! over there!

♩ BRIGITTE: alright, here we go then!

♩ BRIGITTE: this is pretty easy so far! and i only have to hang on for two minutes to get a huge prize? that's not so bad!

♩ D.VA: you got this babe!!!!

♩ BRIGITTE: alright, 1 minute down already! this isn't hard- wait

♩ BRIGITTE: is the bar... TWISTING??? THE BAR TWISTS???

♩ D.VA: BAHAHAHAHA

♩ D.VA: im sorry thats... thats pretty fucking funny

♩ BRIGITTE: this fucking sucks, how much longer do i have?

♩ D.VA: 15 seconds, you got this!

♩ D.VA: and 5... 4... 3... 2... 1! you did it!!!

♩ BRIGITTE: that actually kinda hurts, jeez

♩ BRIGITTE: oh well, it was worth it for you! what prize do you want?

♩ D.VA: big husky big husky big husky!!!

♩ BRIGITTE: alright, here you go!!

♩ D.VA: youre the best!! i love you!!!

♩ BRIGITTE: i love you too! ... but please dont make me do that again!

══════════════════

MEANWHILE

══════════════════

♩ ANA: alright big boi

♩ ANA: you better win me some prizes

♩ REINHARDT: But of course, my lady! Anything for you!

♩ REINHARDT: Now let's see, here... a ha! A ring toss game! A classic!

♩ ANA: arent these usually rigged

♩ REINHARDT: Well, here's the thing. It's hard to rig a game against a CRUSADER like myself!

♩ ANA: i mean

♩ ANA: let me try once

♩ ANA: see? that shit just flings to the side

♩ REINHARDT: Have you considered not being bad?

♩ ANA: bruh

♩ ANA: fine then, lets see you do better

♩ REINHARDT: I agree, let us see!

♩ ANA: ...

♩ ANA: how did you throw 5 rings at once and have them all land on the same fucking peg in the center

♩ ANA: like how the fuck is that even possible

♩ REINHARDT: I told you, you cannot rig games against a Crusader!

♩ ANA: i mean theres a difference between the game being rigged and you having fucking supernatural powers

♩ REINHARDT: Bah! None of that! Pick out your prize, my lady!

♩ ANA: okay bear with me here

♩ ANA: can we get a goldfish

♩ REINHARDT: I mean.... Sure? But why?

♩ ANA: because you know these fucking carnies arent taking proper care of them

♩ ANA: plus i think itd be kinda fun to just have one

♩ REINHARDT: Eh, why the heck not!

♩ REINHARDT: Have you thought about what you’d like to name it?

♩ ANA: yes actually

♩ ANA: i want to name him hanzo

♩ REINHARDT: … Why ?

♩ ANA: i dont know its just a pretty name

♩ REINHARDT: Don’t you think it’s a bit… weird to name a pet after one of our colleagues?

♩ ANA: do you think its weird

♩ REINHARDT: I mean, a little bit?

♩ ANA: too bad

♩ REINHARDT: Understandable, have a nice day.

♩ ANA: ill start looking at fish tanks online

♩ ANA: i refuse to get him a skimpy ass fish bowl that will stress him out 24/7

♩ REINHARDT: It seems you’ve already done your research on this! Always thinking ahead, that is one of the many things I love about you.

♩ ANA: kinda fucking hetero not gonna lie

♩ REINHARDT: I love you too, dear!

♩ REINHARDT: Now, enough messing about! A new adventure awaits us!

  ══════════════════

MEANWHILE

══════════════════

♩ WIDOWMAKER: So why exactly have you chosen to subject me to this?

♩ SOMBRA: aw come on amélie, dont tell me you dont want to be here with me! besides, i know one game youll love for sure!

♩ WIDOWMAKER: I somehow doubt that.

♩ SOMBRA: come on, just trust me! i promise youll enjoy yourself!

♩ WIDOWMAKER: Fine, lead the way.

♩ SOMBRA: look! a sharpshooter game! youre good at shooting things! plus you like shooting things right??

♩ WIDOWMAKER: I suppose.

♩ SOMBRA: let me give the dude some money and you can grab one of the rifles

♩ SOMBRA: alright youre all set

♩ WIDOWMAKER: Here goes nothing.

♩ SOMBRA: …

♩ SOMBRA: BAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

♩ SOMBRA: AMELIE YOURE SUPPOSED TO AIM FOR THE FUCKING TARGETS

♩ SOMBRA: NOT THIS MANS HEAD

♩ WIDOWMAKER: Oh.

♩ SOMBRA: THATS SO FUCKING FUNNY HAHAHA

♩ WIDOWMAKER: Apologies, monsieur. Let me try again.

♩ SOMBRA: see, there you go! youre a natural!

♩ WIDOWMAKER: I know.

♩ SOMBRA: you won!!! we will take that teddy bear please

♩ WIDOWMAKER: Interesting choice.

♩ SOMBRA: i figured you probably wouldnt give a shit what prize i picked out

♩ WIDOWMAKER: Eh, you figured correctly.

♩ SOMBRA: now its my turn to win you a prize! here, ill play this water gun game against these kids and win easy peasy

♩ WIDOWMAKER: I will watch with great interest. Maybe.

♩ SOMBRA: alright, here we go!

♩ WIDOWMAKER: …

♩ SOMBRA: see? i won!

♩ WIDOWMAKER: Did you just hack the game so your station immediately overflowed with water?

♩ SOMBRA: pffft no i dont know what youre talking about

♩ SOMBRA: anyways what prize do you want

♩ WIDOWMAKER: Hmmm… I will take that clown plush, please.

♩ SOMBRA: and you questioned MY choice in prize?

♩ WIDOWMAKER: I just wanted something with a little more… mystique to it.

♩ SOMBRA: fair enough

♩ SOMBRA: say, do you wanna get some french fries? theyre a boardwalk classic

♩ WIDOWMAKER: Ugh. You know the American “French Fries” aren’t even actually French, right?

♩ SOMBRA: whatever, they still taste amazing! lets go!

♩ WIDOWMAKER: Fffffffffine.

══════════════════

5 MINUTES LATER

══════════════════

♩ SOMBRA: see, those werent so bad were they?

♩ WIDOWMAKER: Non. They were actually enjoyable.

♩ SOMBRA: i told you youd like them!

♩ WIDOWMAKER: Now it is my turn to drag you somewhere. I’d like to visit an antique shop that I saw while we were on the boardwalk.

♩ SOMBRA: ugh, borrrrrrrring. but fine

  ══════════════════

MEANWHILE

══════════════════

♩ TRACER: alright luv, time to do some shopping!

♩ EMILY: Do you have a set budget or anything?

♩ TRACER: nope! just figured ill buy whatever i like!

♩ EMILY: Well… fair enough, I guess.

♩ EMILY: So, where to first?

♩ TRACER: ooo, lets check out this cute little gift shop here!

♩ TRACER: wow look at all this stuff! ill take this, and this, and this…

♩ EMILY: Oh god.

♩ TRACER: look, theyve got a little light up keychain with your name on it! i have to get it for you!

♩ EMILY: Aw, that’s cute. Thank you, Lena.

♩ EMILY: Wait… is that a t-shirt for a baby with the beach’s name on it?

♩ TRACER: sure is love!

♩ EMILY: Why? You literally don’t have, nor do you want, any children.

♩ TRACER: i dont know, its just so cute!!!

♩ EMILY: Christ.

♩ TRACER: alright, everything purchased!

♩ EMILY: Sweet, where to next?

♩ TRACER: i figure we can just visit every shop on the boardwalk!

♩ EMILY: … Lena. There are so many shops.

♩ TRACER: i know! so exciting! c’mon, lets go!!

══════════════════

30 MINUTES LATER

══════════════════

♩ EMILY: Holy shit, I’m exhausted.

♩ TRACER: i’m not! but that sure was a ton of fun!

♩ EMILY: Your stamina never ceases to amaze me. It’s incredible. And also incredibly annoying sometimes.

♩ TRACER: its fine, you still love me!

♩ EMILY: You’re right, I do love you.

♩ TRACER: and i love you too! youve been a real champ carrying all of those bags for me though! how havent you collapsed yet?

♩ EMILY: Back when I still lived with my parents, I was always very adamant about bringing all of the groceries up to our flat in one trip. My stubbornness got me used to carrying loads of heavy bags.

♩ TRACER: that sounds like you! but say, lets take a quick breather shall we? theres a bench right here!

♩ EMILY: Oh thank god.

♩ TRACER: so while we are sat down, i had a question for ya

♩ EMILY: Shoot.

♩ TRACER: would you like to move in with me back at the zurich base?

♩ EMILY: I’d love to!!! But… does Winston approve of it?

♩ TRACER: oh, its fine, luv! we can tell him later!

♩ EMILY: How much later?

♩ TRACER: after youre fully moved in, of course!

♩ EMILY: Bahaha, I love you so fucking much, Lena.

♩ TRACER: i love you too!

✨ smooch! ✨

══════════════════

[PRIVATE CORRESPONDENCE]

ANA: gay

EMILY: You need to be put in a dog cage.

ANA: understandable have a nice day

══════════════════

♩ SOMBRA: hey guys! fancy seeing you here!

♩ TRACER: hey sombra and amélie! what brings you guys down to the shopping area?

♩ WIDOWMAKER: There was an antiques store that I wanted to take a look at.

♩ TRACER: aw yeah, we bought some stuff from there! its a mighty cute lil shop!

♩ WIDOWMAKER: It seems you’ve purchased… a lot of things. Emily, are you… alright?

♩ EMILY: A little tired, but I’ve had fun so it’s okay!

♩ WIDOWMAKER: Very well. Sombra and I will be on our way.

♩ TRACER: cya guys!

══════════════════

5 MINUTES LATER

══════════════════

♩ WIDOWMAKER: Here it is.

♩ SOMBRA: everything in here looks like it will disintegrate into space dust if i sneeze in its general direction

♩ WIDOWMAKER: Well, they are vintage. Older than us by a lot.

♩ WIDOWMAKER: Let’s take a look at this…

✨ shatter ✨

♩ WIDOWMAKER: Fuck.

♩ STORE OWNER: Ma’am, you’re going to have to pay for that.

♩ WIDOWMAKER: I understand, my sincerest apologies. Hopefully, this covers it.

♩ STORE OWNER: …

♩ STORE OWNER: How much money is this!?

♩ WIDOWMAKER: Not sure. Hopefully enough, though.

♩ STORE OWNER: Enough? This is MORE than enough! I can retire with this! Man, I am outta here! I quit! You can have the store now! Byeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!

♩ SOMBRA: …

♩ WIDOWMAKER: …

♩ SOMBRA: well.

♩ SOMBRA: looks like you own an antique store now

♩ WIDOWMAKER: It seems so. I will never say no to some extra income.

♩ SOMBRA: well then lets take a look around at the place!

  ══════════════════

MEANWHILE

══════════════════

♩ PHARAH: Hmm. There’s a lot on this boardwalk. Not sure where to start.

♩ PHARAH: Sigh… I wish I could’ve brought Satya with me. I just know all of the people here would really overstimulate her. I know she personally insisted that I go to the boardwalk and have a nice time, but I hope she’s doing okay as well.

♩ PHARAH: Is it weird that I’m talking out loud to myself? Probably, but who cares?

♩ PHARAH: Alright, let’s see here… ooh, an antique store! Maybe I can find a souvenir for Satya here!

♩ WIDOWMAKER: Hello, Fareeha.

♩ PHARAH: Amélie? Sombra? What are you two doing here?

♩ SOMBRA: amélie owns this store! isnt it coooooooool?

♩ WIDOWMAKER: You just told me not even that long ago that it was boring.

♩ SOMBRA: shhhhhhh its fine she doesnt need to know that

♩ PHARAH: You… own this store? How?

♩ SOMBRA: its a weird story

♩ WIDOWMAKER: Oui. But take a look around. Let me know if you find anything.

♩ PHARAH: Well, thank you! Alright, let’s see here…

♩ PHARAH: Oh my goodness, this necklace is just gorgeous! This would be perfect for Satya!

♩ PHARAH: Oh… fuck. That’s really expensive. I don’t think I can afford that.

♩ WIDOWMAKER: Hmm?

♩ PHARAH: Oh, it’s nothing. I just found this beautiful necklace that I wanted to get for Satya, but it’s out of my price range.

♩ WIDOWMAKER: You can just have it. No charge.

♩ PHARAH: ...Seriously? Like, for real?

♩ WIDOWMAKER: Oui.

♩ PHARAH: Thank you so much!!! I’ll repay you somehow!

♩ WIDOWMAKER: Don’t mention it. Literally.

♩ SOMBRA: yeah, shell step on your throat

♩ PHARAH: Well… alright then.

♩ PHARAH: Just gonna put this in my pocket. I need to bring it to Satya! Thanks again!

♩ SOMBRA: see ya later alligator!

══════════════════

15 MINUTES LATER

══════════════════

♩ PHARAH: Alright, the line for this rollercoaster was kinda long, but I’m excited! Let’s do this!

♩ PHARAH: Safety bar locked in place, seatbelt on, and I’ve got this cart to myself! Here we go!

♩ PHARAH: ...

♩ PHARAH: Fuck, this is high.

♩ PHARAH: 3...2...1…

♩ PHARAHl WOOHOOOOOOOOOO!!! ALRIGHT!!!

♩ PHARAH: …

♩ PHARAH: Wait, FUCK! The necklace! It fell out of my fucking pocket!!!

♩ PHARAH: What the fuck am I gonna do now?!

✨ pharah unbuckles her seatbelt, forces the safety bar up with her pure, gay strength, and literally DIVES off the fucking coaster while it’s still moving ✨

♩ PHARAH: CAUGHT IT!

✨ CRASH ✨

♩ PHARAH: FUCK, that hurt! Let’s see if I can stand up…

♩ PHARAH: Phew, okay. I don’t think I broke any bones, by some fucking miracle. Just a few cuts and bruises. I need to go bring this necklace to Satya before I lose it again!

══════════════════

30 MINUTES LATER

══════════════════

♩ PHARAH: Satya, Satya! I-I have something for you!

♩ SYMMETRA: What on earth?! What happened to you, Fareeha?

♩ PHARAH: I-It’s nothing.

♩ SYMMETRA: It clearly isn’t nothing! You’re bleeding and you’re gasping for air! You look like you’re about to pass out on the spot!

♩ PHARAH: I’m fine, I-I promise. But I got you a gift.

♩ SYMMETRA: Oh, my goodness… it’s absolutely breathtaking. I will put it on right now.

♩ PHARAH: It looks absolutely stunning on you. You’re so beautiful, Satya.

✨ smooch! ✨

══════════════════

[PRIVATE CORRESPONDENCE]

ANA: gay

PHARAH: I am going to snap your ribs one by one like a fucking wishbone.

ANA: ok

══════════════════

♩ SYMMETRA: Thank you so much, Fareeha. I love it, and I love you.

♩ PHARAH: I love you too.

  ══════════════════

MEANWHILE

══════════════════

♩ 76: It feels great to just get some fresh air every once in a while, you know? And get away from all those young punks for a bit.

♩ REAPER: And Ana.

♩ 76: Yes, and Ana.

♩ 76: Plus, we finally get to show off our matching hawaiian shirts.

♩ REAPER: I can’t believe I agreed to this.

♩ 76: It’s fine, Gabriel. We look cute.

♩ REAPER: Fine, I suppose.

♩ REAPER: So, what did you want to do?

♩ 76: Well, actually… I did have an idea.

♩ REAPER: And that is?

♩ 76: Can we pleeeeeeeeeease get some cotton candy?

♩ REAPER: …

♩ REAPER: Are you serious right now?

♩ 76: Yes, I am absolutely serious!

♩ REAPER: … Fine. But only on one condition.

♩ 76: And what would that condition be?

♩ REAPER: … I want funnel cakes. So we get both cotton candy AND funnel cakes.

♩ 76: You sir have got yourself a deal!

══════════════════

5 MINUTES LATER

══════════════════

♩ 76: Thank you for getting us funnel cakes to go with the cotton candy. They really hit the spot.

♩ REAPER: N-No problem.

♩ 76: Hey, is something wrong? What’s up?

♩ REAPER: It’s nothing.

♩ 76: It’s clearly something. You look upset. You know you can talk to me.

♩ REAPER: I know, it’s just… stupid.

♩ 76: I sincerely doubt that it’s stupid. Come on, spit it out.

♩ REAPER: Well, ever since the explosion all those years ago when we both faked our deaths… it left me pretty fucking disfigured. And Moira, she offered to help me, giving me new… abilities… along with repairing me, but both the explosion and Moira left the most god awful scars on my body. I usually wear the cloak to hide them, but being out in public and having them on full display for anyone to see… I just feel self-conscious.

♩ 76: First of all, that wasn’t stupid at all. Don’t you dare try to insinuate that it’s at all invalid, because it’s not. Everyone feels self conscious every once in a while.

♩ 76: Second of all, you’re beautiful, Gabe. I love every inch of you, scars or no scars. 

♩ REAPER: I… thank you, Jack.

✨ smooch! ✨

══════════════════

[PRIVATE CORRESPONDENCE]

ANA: gay

76: Sometimes I wish you did actually perish when Amélie shot you.

ANA: me too

══════════════════

Chapter Text

♩ ZENYATTA: Ah, returning to the beach at last.

♩ WINSTON: It sure is lovely out today! And less crowded than yesterday, that's for sure.

♩ ZENYATTA: Indeed, my friend. It is peaceful. The rest was nice, though.

♩ ASHE: You.. you sleep?

♩ ZENYATTA: Not necessarily. I have a "sleep mode", where I am temporarily powered off while I recharge.

♩ TORBJÖRN: And I suppose you have a portable charger, too? Like a laptop computer?

♩ ZENYATTA: I sense that this is a rhetorical question, but yes, I actually do.

♩ TORBJÖRN: Well, I'll be damned. I was only jokin' around! Could I take a better look when we get back to the base?

♩ ZENYATTA: I do not see why not. You seem well-intentioned.

BASTION: (◞‸◟；)

♩ WINSTON: What is it, Bastion? Is something the matter?

BASTION: (ू˃̣̣̣̣̣̣︿˂̣̣̣̣̣̣ ू)

♩ ECHO: Oh no... the sandcastle from yesterday has been ruined!

♩ ORISA: Please do not be sad, Bastion. We will build a new sandcastle!

♩ SIGMA: We will make this one even larger and more glorious than the last!

♩ BOB: ...

♩ ZENYATTA: A good idea, my friend.

♩ SIGMA: What was that?

♩ ASHE: Bob says that this sandcastle should be made to be unbreakable. It'll still be standin' here long after we're gone.

BASTION: ( ຈ ﹏ ຈ )

♩ ORISA: It really is no trouble at all, Bastion. I will defend this new sandcastle for you!

♩ SIGMA: Well, come on! Let's get started, shall we?

♩ ECHO: Well, you all enjoy that. I'm going to go surfing!

♩ ASHE: You know how to surf?

♩ ECHO: I do! Would you like to learn?

♩ ASHE: ... Sure, I don't see why not.

♩ TORBJÖRN: ... Could I be taught as well?

♩ ECHO: Absolutely! The more, the merrier!

♩ ZENYATTA: What are you going to do, Winston?

♩ WINSTON: I'm just going to relax for a bit. It's not often I get to take time off like this! What about you, Zenyatta?

♩ ZENYATTA: I will also sit back and watch everyone else enjoy themselves. I find enjoyment in that for myself.

══════════════════

15 MINUTES LATER

══════════════════

♩ ECHO: Alright, I have rented three surfboards for us!

♩ ASHE: 'Aight, so what's first, then?

♩ ECHO: First, the basics when it comes to catching a wave. Scout the area and see where the waves are coming in, and once you've decided where you'd like to catch some waves, start paddling out towards that area.

♩ ASHE: Simple enough. Next?

♩ ECHO: Once you spot the wave you want to catch, turn the nose of your board towards the shore, but make sure the nose isn't below the water or too high in the air - you want it to be just barely grazing the surface of the water. You will build up momentum as you get yourself into position, but make sure you are conserving energy to line yourself up with the wave. While paddling, make sure you're turning around and checking where you are in relation to the wave - make sure you aren't too in front of the wave, nor outside of its range. Also, make sure that the tail of your board is perpendicular to the wave.

♩ ASHE: Hmm.. alright. Now how do you get to actually surfin'?

♩ ECHO: So once you feel a burst of speed and momentum, that is a good time to stand up on your board. Stop paddling and slowly pop up, all in one smooth motion, if you can. Don't hesitate when doing this, as this can cause instability and you very well may wipe out! Always keep your eyes up and forward - never look down at your feet, back at the wave, or at the nose of your board. Then, just keep your knees bent with slightly more weight in your back foot, hold your arms out to your sides to balance... and bam! You're surfing!

♩ ASHE: Easy peasy. I'll show y'all how it's done!

♩ TORBJÖRN: Am I... Am I too short for this?

♩ ASHE: Pfffft! ... I'm sorry, I was totally gonna ask the same thing.

♩ ECHO: You aren't too short to surf! Now come on, let's catch some waves! There are a few coming in now, just follow my lead!

♩ ASHE: Alright, paddlin' out ain't too bad at all! Water feels nice.

♩ TORBJÖRN: Christ on a bike, my arms are too short for this shit!

♩ ECHO: It's alright! Just keep going! Get yourselves in position!

♩ ASHE: Standin' up now... oooh, baby! That was harder than I thought it'd be!

♩ TORBJÖRN: That's where I have the advantage, cowgirl!

♩ ASHE: Oh, you shut your mouth, midget!

♩ TORBJÖRN: I'll shut my mouth when I see you catch a wave! This is surfing, not horseback riding!

♩ ASHE: Oh, you are ON!

♩ ECHO: Here they come, guys! Let's catch some waves! WOOHOOOOOOOOO!!

♩ ASHE: Here goes nothin'... FUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFU-

♩ TORBJÖRN: BAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Get fucked!!!

♩ ECHO: Torbjörn! You're a natural!

♩ TORBJÖRN: I... I guess I am! And hey, this is pretty fun!

♩ ECHO: So, guys... how was your first wave?!

♩ TORBJÖRN: I wanna go again!

♩ ASHE: Fuck this shit.

♩ ASHE: And YOU BETTER NOT BE LAUGHING AT ME OVER THERE, BOB!!!

♩ TORBJÖRN: We'll let her have her hissy-fit. There are more waves on the way!

══════════════════

MEANWHILE

══════════════════

♩ SIGMA: This new sandcastle is looking fantastic!

♩ ORISA: Indeed it is, Sigma! The new, super sturdy foundation will keep this castle from being torn down by anyone else. Not that I would let anyone get close enough to the castle to even try to tear it down.

♩ ZENYATTA: Hello, friends! How are things going with the sandcastle building?

BASTION: ✿*∗˵╰༼✪ᗜ✪༽╯˵∗*✿

♩ ZENYATTA: Ah, I see Bastion is quite happy about the progress you've all made!

♩ BOB: ...

♩ ZENYATTA: Really? It's almost done? Goodness, you all work so fast!

♩ ZENYATTA: Ah, I've just realized... where is Hammond? I feel like I have not seen him in a while.

♩ SIGMA: Ah, we made him a throne room in the castle! A massive one, at that! Here, follow me.

♩ ZENYATTA: Wow, the design in here really is quite intricate... ah, hello Hammond! Enjoying your new domain?

♩ HAMMOND: The mammal is... pleased.

♩ BOB: ...

♩ ZENYATTA: That's a great idea, Bob.

══════════════════

[PRIVATE CORRESPONDENCE]

ZENYATTA: Hello, Symmetra.

SYMMETRA: May I help you?

ZENYATTA: I understand you are capable of using hard-light technology to fabricate virtually any item, yes?

SYMMETRA: Indeed. Would you like something made?

ZENYATTA: Why, yes, my friend. Here are some details.

══════════════════

♩ ZENYATTA: It has been done. That should be settled soon.

♩ SIGMA: What did you do?

♩ ZENYATTA: You will see in time, my friend. In time.

══════════════════

15 MINUTES LATER

══════════════════

♩ SYMMETRA: Hello, everyone. Zenyatta, I have brought what you requested.

♩ ZENYATTA: Many thanks, it is immensely appreciated.

♩ ORISA: Do you like our new sandcastle?

♩ SYMMETRA: It... is quite intricate and stunning. I must take mental notes. I would love to create something like this in that... Mind Craft game that Hana introduced me to.

♩ SYMMETRA: Anyways, I must be headed back to the hotel now. I have evening plans with Zarya, Mei, Hanzo, and Akande. I'll be seeing you all.

♩ WINSTON: What was that about? Why was Satya here?

♩ ZENYATTA: I asked her for a quick favor.

♩ ZENYATTA: Hammond, I have something for you.

♩ HAMMOND: Interest acquired.

♩ ZENYATTA: I asked Symmetra to fabricate a hard-light crown for you to wear as you rule over your kingdom of sand. She did quite a good job if I do say so myself.

♩ HAMMOND: The offering is... appreciated. I thank you immensely.

♩ ZENYATTA: It is no problem, my little furry friend. I must say, Symmetra's way with hard-light technology is quite fascinating to me. Such are the wonders of the universe.

♩ ECHO: Hey guys, we're back from surfing!

♩ WINSTON: Hello, everyone! Did you three have fun?

♩ ASHE: Meh.

♩ BOB: ...

♩ ASHE: Shut UP, Bob! You did NOT see me wipe out!

BASTION: ʘ ͜ʖ ʘ

♩ ASHE: Oh, for cryin' out loud!

♩ WINSTON: What about you two?

♩ ECHO: It was a blast! Torbjörn is a naturally gifted surfer!

♩ WINSTON: Really! How fascinating! Is it true, Torb?

♩ TORBJÖRN: Not to toot my own horn or anything... but I did do a pretty damn good job out there. I've got to say, though, it is quite an exhausting sport.

♩ TORBJÖRN: I brought a portable grill with me, as well as a cooler. I'm gonna make some of my famous meatballs for you all!

♩ TORBJÖRN: Well, for the humans and Winston, anyways.

♩ HAMMOND: I can eat meatballs.

♩ TORBJÖRN: ... And Hammond, apparently.

♩ TORBJÖRN: Anyways, let me get started on those!

♩ WINSTON: That truly sounds delightful. Thank you, Torbjörn!

══════════════════

30 MINUTES LATER

══════════════════

♩ ASHE: I've gotta say, those meatballs really hit the spot. I wasn't expecting them to be so fine.

♩ SIGMA: I agree, they were quite delightful. Thank you for introducing me to your cooking! I may have to request you to make me some more of these back at the base some time!

♩ WINSTON: You've really outdone yourself, Torbjörn. Brilliant job!

♩ HAMMOND: ... Tasty. Tasty meat. Yes.

♩ TORBJÖRN: Why thank you all! I am quite flattered!

♩ ASHE: Hey... hey Winston. I just thought of somethin' that'd be mighty funny if you did it.

♩ WINSTON: Sigh... and what is that, Ashe?

♩ ASHE: Their sandcastle looks pretty finished to me, and mighty sturdy according to Bob... you ever seen that King Kong movie?

♩ WINSTON: Oh no... I see where you're going with this.

♩ ASHE: You should jump up on top of the castle like King Kong.

♩ WINSTON: No. Absolutely not.

♩ ECHO: Oh, come on, Winston! Ashe is right, it would be hilarious!

♩ WINSTON: No.

♩ ASHE: Please?

♩ WINSTON: No.

♩ ECHO: Please?

♩ WINSTON: No.

♩ TORBJÖRN: Please?

♩ WINSTON: Seriously? You too?!

♩ TORBJÖRN: It'd be hilarious! You've gotta do it!

♩ WINSTON: Sigh... fine. Here goes...

♩ ASHE: My god, he's actually doing it!

♩ TORBJÖRN: This is gonna be great... how do I use this "smart phone" to record this? I've got to show Brigitte later on!

♩ ECHO: Here, let me help.

♩ TORBJÖRN: Thanks!

♩ WINSTON: BWAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARGH!!!

♩ ASHE: BAHAHAHAHAHA! Holy shit!!! Turn the camera to all these random beach-goers! They're fuckin' terrified!!!

♩ ECHO: Oh my goodness! This is amazing!

♩ TORBJÖRN: This may very well be one of the best damn days of my life! Bahahaha!

♩ ASHE: C'mon, monkey! Pound on your chest like King Kong does!

♩ WINSTON: RAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAWR!!!!

♩ ECHO: This is incredible. This is the best thing we've done today.

♩ TORBJÖRN: This is the best thing we've done, period.

♩ ASHE: You're right, and you should say it.

♩ WINSTON: Okay, okay... enough of that. Phew, that was wild.

♩ TORBJÖRN: Thank you for being a good sport, Winston. I brought you some peanut butter!

♩ WINSTON: Did you say... peanut butter?

♩ ECHO: Oh dear, here we go.

♩ TORBJÖRN: Here you go, pal!

♩ WINSTON: Thanks! You know how much I love a good old-fashioned jar of peanut butter.

♩ WINSTON: Say... I can't get the cap off. It's... it's wedged on there really tight.

♩ ASHE: Pffft... let me see that, monkey.

♩ WINSTON: Alright, but I'm telling you, it is STUCK on there.

♩ ASHE: Hmmmph... damn, you're right! This bitch is on there goooood!

♩ ASHE: Bob, you try!

♩ BOB: ...

♩ BOB: ...

♩ BOB: ...

♩ ASHE: Damn, no luck from you either?!

♩ WINSTON: Did you... superglue the cap on?

♩ TORBJÖRN: What? No. Me? Never!

♩ WINSTON: Urgh...

♩ WINSTON: For once, I don't think this peanut butter is worth it. YEEEEEEEEET!!!

✨ thunk ✨

♩ WINSTON: Oh, god, Zenyatta, I'm so sorry.

♩ ZENYATTA: It is quite alright, my friend. That appears to have finally gotten the jar to open, though.

♩ WINSTON: ... Well then.

♩ TORBJÖRN: Please tell me you never stopped recording...

♩ ECHO: Nope, film is still rolling!

♩ TORBJÖRN: Bwahahahaha! This is incredible!

♩ TORBJÖRN: Say, what are ya doing over there, Sigma?

♩ SIGMA: I... the sand feels delightful on my feet.

♩ SIGMA: YAHOO!!! This is so much fun!!!

♩ ASHE: Mans is really out here livin' his best life. I love that for him.

♩ BOB: ...

♩ ASHE: I agree, Bob. That is some king shit right there.

♩ TORBJÖRN: Stop, I'm laughing too hard... give me that phone! I've got to send this video to everyone in the group chat!

Chapter Text

MCCREE: hey guys can i talk to you about something kinda serious

WINSTON: Always, Jesse.

D.VA: never

TRACER: fuck yourself

HANZO: Okay, well... I suppose you can talk to some of us about something serious.

TRACER: no im sorry skldasjkldas go ahead

MCCREE: im not really sure my name sits right with me anymore

MCCREE: like... "jesse mccree". something about it has started bothering me recently

GENJI: i mean it is a stupid name

WINSTON: Genji.

GENJI: sorry

MCCREE: it feels stupid, like it should be associated with something bad

MCCREE: like someone who sexually harasses women or allows gender discrimination in the workplace

HANZO: Oddly specific.

MCCREE: idk, just a weird hunch i guess

MCCREE: so ive been thinking, long and hard

LÚCIO: long and hard, huh?

WINSTON: Guys...

LÚCIO: sorry not sorry!

MCCREE: anyways

MCCREE: ive put a lot of thought into it and well

MCCREE: there is a new name id like to go by

REAPER: Get on with it, jackass.

[JESSE MCCREE] changed user name to [COLE CASSIDY].

[COLE CASSIDY] changed display name to [CASSIDY].

PHARAH: Interesting choice.

SYMMETRA: Fareeha. Dear.

PHARAH: I didn't say bad, just... interesting.

REAPER: Cassidy is a girl's name.

76: Shut the fuck up Gabriel.

MERCY: It will certainly take some getting used to... but we'll make it happen. This is what makes you feel most comfortable, right?

CASSIDY: right, i think so

BRIGITTE: then we'll all do our best to adjust to the change! do whatever is best for you, and not anyone else!

D.VA: youre a hell of a lot nicer than i am

BRIGITTE: learn empathy.

HANZO: Whatever name you choose, I will love you the same.

ANA: gay

ANA: i can still stay gay right

HANZO: Sigh... it's not like anyone will convince you otherwise.

MERCY: Reinhardt?

REINHARDT: I've tried. No such luck.

ANA: right so as i was saying

ANA: gay

CASSIDY: well... thank you guys for listening, i really appreciate it

Chapter Text

♩ SYMMETRA: Good evening, everyone. I see I've arrived just in time.

♩ DOOMFIST: Indeed. Come, sit. The water is delightful.

♩ MEI: And the bubbles... don't forget the bubbles!

♩ SYMMETRA: You are right... this is quite relaxing.

♩ ZARYA: I agree! I wish we had a sauna back at the Zurich base. Would be amazing for post-workout relaxation.

♩ DOOMFIST: Don't you have Mei for that?

♩ MEI: You stop that.

♩ DOOMFIST: I will not.

♩ HANZO: It's... it's not like she's denying it.

♩ DOOMFIST: Zarya won't deny it either, because it's true.

♩ MEI: No, she won't deny it because she is too busy flexing!

♩ ZARYA: Can you blame me?

♩ MEI: ... No.

♩ ZARYA: Aha, that is what I thought! I shall continue to flex and I will not be stopped!

♩ MEI: Sigh... I love you.

♩ HANZO: Ah, romance.

♩ HANZO: You know, I love Cassidy very much, but dating him is, well... it has it's difficulties.

♩ DOOMFIST: And by "difficulties", you mean the fact that he's as dumb as a box of rocks, right?

♩ HANZO: ... Yeah. Pretty much.

♩ ZARYA: His head is like a maraca. Hollow. Rattles around his thick skull.

♩ MEI: Don't be mean, Zarya! Cassidy is still our friend!

♩ ZARYA: He is friend, yes. He is also stupid.

♩ HANZO: Yeah... she isn't wrong.

♩ SYMMETRA: I thankfully do not have this issue with Fareeha. She is incredibly wise and nurturing.

♩ HANZO: Yeah, well I'm pretty sure she wasn't dropped on her head like Cassidy was.

♩ SYMMETRA: Was he, though?

♩ HANZO: Oh, yes, several times.

♩ DOOMFIST: That explains a lot.

♩ MEI: Hanzo, you seem stressed... are you sure this relationship with Cassidy is worth it? Wouldn't it be easier to just break up with him?

♩ HANZO: lol no

♩ DOOMFIST: Now why would you say "lol" out loud?

♩ HANZO: I figured it would best get my point across.

♩ HANZO: But no. I don't wish to break things off with him. As dumb as he may be, I do love him very much and he is very important to me. Even if he has burned a few strands of my hair off while trying to light cigars.

♩ SYMMETRA: You seem to be implying that this has happened more than once.

♩ HANZO: It has. But my point stands.

♩ MEI: Well, your choice, I guess. As long as you are happy, that's all that really matters!

♩ HANZO: I am happy. Thank you for your concern, though. I appreciate it.

♩ MEI: No problem!

♩ HANZO: On another note... Zarya, have you ever considered dying your hair another color?

♩ ZARYA: Not really, no.

♩ DOOMFIST: You don't get bored of the pink?

♩ ZARYA: No.

♩ HANZO: Well, we have time to spare, and we can't sit in this hot tub forever... maybe we could dye your hair a new silly color.

♩ ZARYA: Ehhhhh... I'm not sure...

♩ DOOMFIST: Oh, don't be a stick in the mud. It will be fun.

♩ SYMMETRA: You know something will be truly enjoyable if the leader of Talon says it will be fun.

♩ DOOMFIST: Didn't ask + L + ratio + you fell off.

♩ SYMMETRA: Excuse me?

♩ DOOMFIST: Yes.

♩ HANZO: Anyways.

♩ ZARYA: Well... I suppose it could be fun. Alright. What color did you have in mind?

♩ HANZO: I think a nice deep blue would be lovely. Like the ocean. It could serve as a reminder of this trip.

♩ SYMMETRA: Purple would also be quite elegant, and I think it would suit you very nicely.

♩ MEI: Zarya, you don't have to dye your hair if you don't want to. The pink is beautiful and so are you.

♩ ZARYA: Hmm... let me think about it. These are all very good options.

♩ ZARYA: ... Ooh, I've got it! I will go to one of the boardwalk shops and purchase some bleach and hair dye.

♩ HANZO: Excellent. We'll meet back at your hotel room.

══════════════════

30 MINUTES LATER

══════════════════

♩ ZARYA: I return.

♩ HANZO: Welcome back, Zarya. So, what color did you decide on?

♩ ZARYA: Well, I liked all of your suggestions... so I decided to dye my hair all three colors!

♩ SYMMETRA: Wow, that will look stunning on you when it is complete!

♩ ZARYA: Thank you, Satya. We should start by bleaching my hair!

♩ SYMMETRA: I will... watch from afar. I don't want to get messy.

♩ MEI: Here, I'll help. Let's see here...

♩ MEI: We should leave the bleach in for no longer than 30 minutes, if we want to avoid damaging your hair.

♩ ZARYA: That sounds alright!

♩ HANZO: Just be aware... your head is going to itch like crazy.

♩ ZARYA: Pfffft! I'll be fiiiiiine!

══════════════════

30 MINUTES LATER

══════════════════

♩ ZARYA: Jesus fucking Christ. Get this shit out of my hair.

♩ HANZO: I warned you.

♩ ZARYA: сука блять.

♩ HANZO: ... Yeah, fair. I probably deserved that.

♩ MEI: You did.

♩ HANZO: Let's wash this bleach out and section her hair. Satya, I know you didn't want to get messy, but would you be willing to part Zarya's hair into three equal parts? I think you'd be the most precise with your immaculate attention to detail.

♩ SYMMETRA: I... suppose so.

♩ MEI: Wonderful, thank you Satya! Let's get to work!

══════════════════

2 HOURS LATER

══════════════════

♩ MEI: There... all done! How do you like it, Zarya?

♩ ZARYA: I... LOVE it! I am bisexual icon!

♩ DOOMFIST: Heck yeck.

♩ SYMMETRA: What?

♩ DOOMFIST: You heard me.

♩ SYMMETRA: Anyways... Zarya, you look gorgeous! I am glad I was able to help contribute to such a vibrant work of art.

♩ HANZO: It looks wonderful, Zarya.

♩ ZARYA: Thank you all for your help. And Hanzo, sorry for calling you a bitch slut.

♩ HANZO: It's... quite alright. Again, I deserved it.

✨ KNOCK KNOCK ✨

✨ THUD✨

♩ DOOMFIST: Bitch, hello???

♩ HANZO: I will answer the door.

♩ HANZO: Hello, who is the- ... Jesus fucking Christ...

♩ CASSIDY: WELLLLLLLLLL HOWDY PARDNER

♩ HANZO: Get the fuck up. Idiot.

♩ CASSIDY: YEE HAW

♩ HANZO: Here. Get your dumbass inside.

♩ SYMMETRA: Who was it?

♩ HANZO: An idiot.

♩ CASSIDY: WHOS THE NEW GIRL????

♩ HANZO: That's Zarya. You imbecile.

♩ CASSIDY: WELL NICE TO MEET YA ZORRO

♩ MEI: Hehehe... I think he's a bit drunk!

♩ DOOMFIST: "A bit" is the understatement of the century.

♩ HANZO: Siiiiiiiiiiiigh... Cassidy, I love you, but you really are the dumbest bitch alive.

♩ CASSIDY: WELL THATS MIGHTY SWEET OF YA PARTNER BUT IVE GOT A BOYFRIEND

♩ HANZO: ...🅱️ruh

♩ ZARYA: How... did you say the emoji out loud?

♩ HANZO: Not important right now.

♩ HANZO: I apologize, everyone. I need to escort Sherriff Dumbass back to our room and get him to bed.

♩ CASSIDY: HANDS OFF THE MERCHANDISE BUDDY

♩ CASSIDY: THIS PACKAGE IS ADDRESSED TO HANZO SHIMADA

♩ HANZO: My word... good night, everyone.

♩ CASSIDY: SMELL YA LATER HOME SKILLETS

♩ SYMMETRA: ... What a fool.

♩ DOOMFIST: Cassidy is a charity case.

♩ SYMMETRA: I can't help but feel bad for Hanzo... but he seems happy.

♩ MEI: Their love is strange. But it's still love.

ANA: gay

♩ SYMMETRA: How did you even get in this local chat?!

Chapter Text

WINSTON: Alright everyone, we need to have a serious discussion.

76: Winston...

76: You know that isn't possible with these morons.

TRACER: oi

CASSIDY: fuck you

D.VA: i know you are but what am i????

76: Case in point.

WINSTON: Guys, please. Seriously.

WINSTON: It has come to my attention that my credit card is being used and racking up some pretty outrageous expenses.

WINSTON: It's fine if you ask me ahead of time and it's for necessary equipment...

GENJI: the playstation 27 was necessary

WINSTON: It absolutely was not.

D.VA: what about the gamesphere

WINSTON: No.

D.VA: but...

D.VA: [attached img ITS SPHERICAL.jpg]

WINSTON: Hana.

D.VA: >:(

JUNKRAT: WAIT SO WHY CANT WE HAVE FUN THINGS BUT YOU CAN BUY YOURSELF SO MUCH FUCKING PEANUT BUTTER

WINSTON: That's different.

GENJI: literally how

WINSTON: Because...

D.VA: what are you 7???

WINSTON: It's my damn credit card!!!

MOIRA: Maybe you should consider it securing it better. However, I simply cannot expect much coming from a jumped-up ape.

MERCY: Moira...

MOIRA: Tell me I'm wrong.

MERCY: ... Well...

WINSTON: Angela!

MOIRA: Exactly.

WINSTON: It's no matter. I need you all to start earning your own disposable income instead of using mine!

WINSTON: You're all literally paid by the UN! Is that not enough?!

D.VA: no

GENJI: no

TRACER: no

EMILY: I'm not paid by the UN :(

WINSTON: You... don't work for Overwatch, Emily.

TRACER: i mean she might as fuckin well mate!!! she practically lives here now!!!!

WINSTON: And that's my responsibility because...?

D.VA: wow winston really is just done with our shit isnt he

LÚCIO: you know what

LÚCIO: i will be a responsible adult for once!!! i will get a job

BAPTISTE: Doing what?

LÚCIO: ezpz, ill be a doordash driver

GENJI: ... i feel like you will fucking hate that

WINSTON: Thank you for taking some iniative, Lúcio. I can only hope that others will start to follow in your footsteps.

SYMMETRA: That is the first and only time he will ever read those words.

LÚCIO: you arent wrong

LÚCIO: but whatever, how hard can it be???

══════════════════

A FEW HOURS LATER

══════════════════

[LÚCIO] changed channel name to [LÚCIO'S DOORDASH ADVENTURES].

LÚCIO: so i got my first order!!!

LÚCIO: its for... a pineapple pizza???? ew

76: What the hell do you mean, "ew"?

LÚCIO: i mean ew

LÚCIO: pineapple doesnt belong on pizza

BRIGITTE: sure it does! it's delicious!

D.VA: briggy bear my darling

D.VA: what the fuck is wrong with you

BRIGITTE: what??? pineapple on pizza is tasty!

ZARYA: It's healthy too.

GABRIEL: Healthy? Healthy??? Who gives a shit??? It's fucking pizza!!!

MEI: Well, you should always try to incorporate some healthy things in your diet, even if it's on pizza, I suppose...

CASSIDY: fruit doesnt belong on pizza

CASSIDY: end of story

HANZO: If fruit does not belong on pizza, then surely pizzas wouldn't be made with tomato sauce.

CASSIDY: shut up youre supposed to always agree with me

HANZO: No, I won't agree with you, not this time. Pineapple pizza is delicious.

PHARAH: For once, I find myself agreeing with more than one person in this god-forsaken organization.

PHARAH: I love pineapple pizza.

ANA: you arent my daughter

PHARAH: Huh????

ANA: pineapple on pizza is disgusting. i did not raise you to be like this

SYMMETRA: Pineapple on pizza... makes the pizza more chaotic. Less appealing. Less balanced.

LÚCIO: SEE EVEN SATYA AGREES WITH US

SYMMETRA: Don't push it.

SIGMA: Oh, come on! I bet if I made you all a fresh pineapple pizza, you would all love it!

LÚCIO: i doubt it but thanks anyways

REINHARDT: Why are we having this discussion?!

REINHARDT: Pizza is pizza!!!!!!!!

REINHARDT: [attached img PIZZA.jpg]

PHARAH: Congratulations, everyone. We got Reinhardt to send a meme.

LÚCIO: wait a second

LÚCIO: this dude didnt even fucking tip!!!!!!!!

CASSIDY: LOL

REAPER: That explains a lot. Fucking cretin.

LÚCIO: well this fucker isnt gonna get his shit ass pizza

LÚCIO: YEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEET

MERCY: Did anyone just see a pizza fly by the window? Or am I imagining things?

76: @LÚCIO Did you throw the pizza??? I would've fucking eaten it!!!

LÚCIO: you dont deserve nice things

76: Bitch.

══════════════════

A FEW HOURS LATER

══════════════════

LÚCIO: so the pineapple pizza guy left me a bad review

76: I fucking wonder why.

LÚCIO: my service was impeccable idk what youre getting at old man

LÚCIO: anyways i have another order.. this guy didnt tip either what the fuck

MERCY: Maybe don't throw out their food this time.

LÚCIO: i wont

LÚCIO: ill go confront their bitch ass

══════════════════

15 MINUTES LATER

══════════════════

♩ LÚCIO: hey man why didnt you leave a tip?? i gotta make money somehow

76: Lúcio??

76: @WINSTON Did you accidentally activate the text-to-speech feature on his communicator?

WINSTON: Uhm, maybe. I'll look into it later.

♩ LÚCIO: give me the fucking money

♩ LÚCIO: woah man chill out i dont have a lot on me

♩ LÚCIO: I SAID GIVE ME THE FUCKING MONEY

BAPTISTE: Lúcio?! What's going on??

BAPTISTE: @WINSTON Do the communicators have cameras on them??? Can we see what's going on??

WINSTON: Um... yes. Here. Turning on Lúcio's camera now.

GENJI: what the fuck

BAPTISTE: Holy shit, he's being robbed at fucking gunpoint!

D.VA: HE WHAT???????????????????

♩ LÚCIO: GIVE ME YOUR FUCKING MONEY AND NO ONE WILL GET HURT OKAY???

♩ LÚCIO: a-alright dude! jesus fuck! here! i told you i dont have a lot!

BAPTISTE: We need to go help him!!! Where is he?!

WINSTON: Oh dear... it looks like he's actually quite far away right now. Several towns over.

BAPTISTE: What?! How?! Why is he even taking orders that far away?!

♩ LÚCIO: hey man give me those fucking skates

♩ LÚCIO: what? no!

♩ LÚCIO: i said fucking GIVE THEM TO ME!

♩ LÚCIO: bro those are how i got here!!!

♩ LÚCIO: i dont care! give them to me! and that phone!

♩ LÚCIO: it's not a phone it's a-

♩ LÚCIO: I DONT CARE! theyre mine now, fuck off!

GENJI: jesus fucking christ

WINSTON: Do I have to get another new communicator now...

BAPTISTE: That's what you're worried about right now?!

WINSTON: ... Right. Sorry.

♩ LÚCIO: how do i work this phone... so futuristic...

♩ LÚCIO: wait... overwatch? oh fuck-

✨SMASH!!!✨

[LÚCIO CORREIA DOS SANTOS] exited [LÚCIO'S DOORDASH ADVENTURES].

BAPTISTE: Jesus christ. How is he going to get back here? We have to find him!!

WINSTON: I'll do my best, but I can't make any promises.

══════════════════

A FEW HOURS LATER

══════════════════

[LÚCIO CORREIA DOS SANTOS] entered [LÚCIO'S DOORDASH ADVENTURES].

BAPTISTE: Lúcio!!! Are you okay??? What happened?!

LÚCIO: he stole my shit man

LÚCIO: stole my wallet and my communicator and my fucking SKATES

LÚCIO: LIKE BRO I USED THE SKATES TO DELIVER THE FOOD

MOIRA: Why wouldn't you use a car like a normal human being?

REAPER: Because he isn't one. Next question.

BAPTISTE: Guys, seriously?! Now is not the time!!!

LÚCIO: no its okay they can roast me idc

GENJI: but like are you okay??? you just went through a fucking lot

LÚCIO: yeah... im fine. a little shaken but fine

ASHE: Why the hell didn't you fight back? You're literally an agent for a UN-backed global organization, you know how to shoot a gun, you've been in fights before!

LÚCIO: idk... wasnt really prepared to have a dude point a gun at me today, just wanted to deliver his shitty food and get on with my life

LÚCIO: pissed about my skates tho. now i need to make new ones

ASHE: Those skates were fuckin' stupid anyways.

LÚCIO: shut your fuck

WINSTON: Lúcio, I immensely appreciate the effort you've put into trying to earn yourself some more disposable income. However, seeing the events that have transpired since you've started delivering food, I would urge you to sit back and reconsider. You do not need to keep putting yourself into these kinds of situations.

LÚCIO: i appreciate it winston, but im good

BAPTISTE: What?!

LÚCIO: im okay bap, i can hold my own

LÚCIO: im doing this to support us anyways

BAPTISTE: But you're already getting paid by the UN...

LÚCIO: well i wanna earn even more money to spoil you and genji

ANA: gay

PHARAH: Jesus Christ mom, he got robbed at gunpoint!!!

ANA: so? hes still gay

WINSTON: Oh... oh dear.

BAPTISTE: What is it, Winston?

WINSTON: Well, Athena saved the logs of the video from Lúcio's old communicator before it was destroyed, and well...

WINSTON: Would now be a bad time to tell you that he was robbed with a toy gun?

LÚCIO: NO YOURE LYING SHUT UP

WINSTON: It was a nerf gun. The robber painted it black and gray to look like a real gun.

WINSTON: There are a few angles where you can actually see the foam bullets sticking out of it a bit.

D.VA: LMAOOOOOOOOOOOOO NO YOURE LYING DONT BE MEAN TO HIM

WINSTON: I'm not lying.

BAPTISTE: I am coming to watch this video for myself...

LÚCIO: i swear to god if i got robbed by a fucking NERF GUN

TRACER: wow you really are fucking dumb arent ya luv!

LÚCIO: shut up we dont even know if its true yet

SYMMETRA: I bet it is true.

LÚCIO: shut up shut up shut up

CASSIDY: its okay we all need to be a little dumber than me sometimes

LÚCIO: bro!!!!!!!!

BAPTISTE: Oh my god.

LÚCIO: dont say it

BAPTISTE: You were robbed by a nerf gun.

LÚCIO: OH MY GODDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDD

D.VA: LSMDSAPDSAPODSAI IM NOT EVEN THAT DUMB

BRIGITTE: you have your moments..

D.VA: shhh this isnt about me rn

LÚCIO: i just need some time to reconsider all of my life choices up until this very moment

GENJI: wow we are dating a moron

BAPTISTE: Is this news to you?

LÚCIO: dont be meeeeeeeeean :(

GENJI: but you make it so easy!

══════════════════

THE NEXT DAY

══════════════════

LÚCIO: alright yall, i finished my new skates build and i have another order, wish me luck

BAPTISTE: I am absolutely floored that you still want to deliver food to people after what happened yesterday.

LÚCIO: gotta get that major bag my dude

LÚCIO: anyways, this one doesnt seem so bad

LÚCIO: just a fuck ton of pizza for what i am assuming is probably a party

LÚCIO: who knows, maybe theyll invite me in and let me stay!

BAPTISTE: I hope not.

LÚCIO: whatever, off i go!

══════════════════

SEVERAL HOURS LATER

══════════════════

BAPTISTE: Has anyone heard from Lúcio? He won't respond to any of mine or Genji's private messages.

WINSTON: No, I haven't... don't tell me he's lost his communicator again?

GENJI: cant you track it winston

WINSTON: Oh. Right. Let's see...

WINSTON: Well, whoever has it, it's showing some major activity right now. It's located at a nearby university.

BAPTISTE: Oh dear... you don't think he actually stayed and partied with the people he delivered to, do you?

PHARAH: Has Lúcio ever been one to make any sort of sound judgement in his life?

GENJI: no

PHARAH: Exactly.

BAPTISTE: So... you're saying we should go find him and drag his ass home.

WINSTON: That'd probably be for the best.

BAPTISTE: Sigh... alright. Let's go, @GENJI.

══════════════════

THE NEXT DAY

══════════════════

BAPTISTE: Well, Lúcio has been checked into the medical wing.

PHARAH: For fucking what?

GENJI: so when we found him he was totally shitfaced. like, 1000000% wasted out of his fucking mind

BAPTISTE: They had alcohol and weed at the party. Obviously not great when mixed together, but our idiot boyfriend decided otherwise.

GENJI: yeah so he was knocked tf out and we had to get the story from one of the actually sober party people

BAPTISTE: Basically, it was a frat party. One of the frat members ordered pizza for everyone, and they invited Lúcio to stay. He apparently seemed pretty reluctant at first, but eventually gave in.

GENJI: they buttered our sweet baby boy up with drugs and beer

BAPTISTE: That's one way of putting it.

BAPTISTE: And then, get this... they apparently wanted to make Lúcio an honorary member of the fraternity. So they did a "hazing ritual" with him.

PHARAH: They fucking hazed him?!

GENJI: yeah.....

D.VA: what did they do? i need to know!

BAPTISTE: Well... it's... god, it's so embarrassing, why are we dating this man?

TRACER: spit it out luv!

GENJI: they branded the frat logo on his ass cheek

WINSTON: ...

CASSIDY: THEY FUCKING WHAT?

BAPTISTE: ... They had a brand fucking made for this. It's how they haze all of their new members. It's their "official induction" so to speak. They heated it until it was red hot and pressed it on his skin, a lot harder and a lot longer than they should have.

GENJI: so aside from being absolutely fucking hungover, he also has a very gnarly infection on his ass!

BAPTISTE: And it's going to turn into a fucking ugly scar when it heals over.

CASSIDY: jesus fucking christ even im not that stupid

HANZO: And I am thankful for that.

BAPTISTE: Needless to say... after we checked in on him and got him admitted into the medical wing, we forced him to quit doordashing and we uninstalled the app on his phone.

BRIGITTE: sounds like that's probably for the better!

BAPTISTE: No kidding.

LÚCIO: brooooo my head is killing me

BAPTISTE: You should've considered that before getting wasted with a bunch of college kids.

LÚCIO: it was fun though :(

LÚCIO: you know the worst part about all of this?

EMILY: Is it NOT the fact that you got branded?

LÚCIO: well that sucks too but

LÚCIO: its the fact that i have even less money than when i started fucking doordashing

LÚCIO: like its actually not funny how fucking ridiculous it is

BAPTISTE: Oh no! Anyways

D.VA: LOL

WINSTON: Sounds like a lesson learned.

LÚCIO: youre right, i learned a very valuable lesson

LÚCIO: and its that money is where home is! the money is winstons credit card!

WINSTON: Now hold on just a minute!

GENJI: LOOOOOOOOOL rip winston

Chapter Text

LÚCIO: hey

LÚCIO: hey @ANA

ANA: what do you want bitch boy

LÚCIO: okay first of all wow

LÚCIO: but second of all

LÚCIO: i want to make a bet with you

ANA: why bother? you know i will win

LÚCIO: oh i wouldnt be so sure about that

ANA: well go on, whats the bet

LÚCIO: i bet that you cant go a WHOLE DAY

LÚCIO: without saying the word "gay"

PHARAH: Oh god. You might as well concede now, mom.

ANA: hmmm

ANA: can i say homo?

LÚCIO: no

ANA: LGBTQ+?

LÚCIO: no

ANA: MLM/WLW/etc.?

LÚCIO: NO SYNONYMS OR SIMILAR TERMS TO THE WORD GAY

ANA: fuck ok

LÚCIO: if i win then you give me $1000

LÚCIO: and also let me have some sleep darts

ANA: why tho

LÚCIO: for the next time genji tries to encase me in jello while im asleep

ANA: ... huh

ANA: what

ANA: how does that even work

LÚCIO: idk you tell me @GENJI

GENJI: a ninja does not share his secrets

WINSTON: It isn't so much of a secret when the security cameras caught you lugging giant bags of JELL-O mix and huge tubs of water into Lúcio's dorm in the middle of the night.

GENJI: NOW LISTEN HERE

WINSTON: No.

GENJI: understandable have a nice day

ANA: ok so wait

ANA: what would i even get out of this bet

LÚCIO: ok so i didnt actually think this far ahead because theres no way in hell youre winning this bet

LÚCIO: but let me think.... hmm

LÚCIO: yeah no ive got nothing

ANA: wait ik

ANA: if i win i want your dj set

LÚCIO: ???????????

ANA: i want to make dank remixes of classics like levitating by dua lipa

ANA: she can very much do without dababy thank you

LÚCIO: youre on crack cocaine if you think i am going to offer up my fucking dj set

ANA: awwww whats wrong froggy chair?? are you scared???

ANA: scared to have your ass handed to you by a grandma???

LÚCIO: ok you know what fuck you

LÚCIO: there is NO WAY that youll win

LÚCIO: so yes i agree to your terms and the bet is ON

PHARAH: Well, now I'm invested.

EMILY: Same, I want to see Ana fail lol

REAPER: Don't we all?

D.VA: i mean yeah itd be funny to make her break

[CASSIDY] changed channel name to [LET'S RUIN ANA].

CASSIDY: hey @ANA

ANA: what

CASSIDY: what is another word for happy

ANA: pleased

BRIGITTE: and?

ANA: content

ZARYA: And?

ANA: elated

76: And?

ANA: i am going to hurl you out a window

76: That isn't another word for happy.

ANA: fight me

76: What, have you already run out of synonyms?

ANA: i am delighted to inform you that no. i havent.

ANA: but you wont get me to break like this

DOOMFIST: Hey, @ANA.

ANA: what do you want mister fister

REAPER: Does that count as a synonym for gay?

LÚCIO: hmm... no ill let that one slide

ANA: good

ANA: anyways what do you want

DOOMFIST: Do you remember that good old classic Christmas song?

ANA: which one

DOOMFIST: "It's the Most Wonderful Time of the Year"?

ANA: of course i do tf

DOOMFIST: Okay, so recite the lyrics for me.

ANA: um. okay

ANA: its the most wonderful time of the year

ANA: with the kids jingle belling

ANA: and everyone telling you be of good cheer

ANA: its the most wonderful time of the year

ANA: its the hap happiest season of all

ANA: wait

ANA: go fuck yourself

D.VA: LOL

TRACER: idk whats funnier

TRACER: the fact that you actually almost got her with that

TRACER: or the fact that you got ana to spam us with christmas lyrics in the middle of march

REINHARDT: Both?

EMILY: [attached img BOTH.gif]

EMILY: Both.

TRACER: both is good

REINHARDT: Bofa.

MEI: Bofa?

D.VA: MEI NO

REINHARDT: BOFA DEEZ NUTS!!!!!

REINHARDT: HA! GOTEEM!

GENJI: SJKLDSAJDLKSAJDLKA WHAT DID I JUST COME BACK TO

D.VA: LMFAOOOOOOOO

TRACER: hey reinhardt did you hear about candice?

REINHARDT: Who?

TRACER: CANDICE DICK FIT IN YO MOUTH

D.VA: STOPPPP

REINHARDT: Hey @BRIGITTE, weren't you going to attend SawCon with D.Va?

D.VA: brigitte dont

D.VA: dont you fucking dare

BRIGITTE: ... What is SawCon?

REINHARDT: SAWCON DEEZ NUTS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

76: Jesus fucking christ.

LÚCIO: these jokes are kinda gay wouldnt you say @ANA?

ANA: go choke on a dick

BAPTISTE: That's gay too.

ANA: die

GENJI: .... that is also gay???

REAPER: Is it?

GENJI: it is now lads

LÚCIO: well clearly none of our other methods are working

LÚCIO: QUICK @EVERYONE BE AS GAY AS YOU POSSIBLY CAN BE

PHARAH: I love you very much, dear @SYMMETRA

SYMMETRA: I love you too, Fareeha!

LÚCIO: hey @BAPTISTE and @GENJI come to my dorm and lets make out

GENJI: ok

BAPTISTE: Ok.

[GENJI] went idle.

[BAPTISTE] went idle.

D.VA: ooo spicy

D.VA: @BRIGITTE where are you i want cuddles from my briggy bear :((((

BRIGITTE: lol... on my way!

[BRIGITTE] went idle.

SOMBRA: alright me and @WIDOWMAKER will go back to having mad sex

WIDOWMAKER: We were doing no such thing.

SOMBRA: maybe not yet we werent but who says we cant now ;)))))))

WIDOWMAKER: Mon Dieu.

WIDOWMAKER: Pest.

SOMBRA: awwww its okay you still love me

WIDOWMAKER: Do I?

SOMBRA: yes

WIDOWMAKER: ... sigh, You're right.

ZARYA: Must protect and hold small girlfriend! @MEI

MEI: Well... if you insist...

ZARYA: I am coming!

[ZARYA] went idle.

MERCY: Hey @MOIRA, want to come on base again?

MOIRA: Always, Angel.

[MOIRA] went idle].

WINSTON: What do you mean "again"?

MERCY: None of your business.

WINSTON: Why it most certainly is!

REAPER: Yeah, why can't you stay on base and actually do work for us for once? @MOIRA

MERCY: Please. Don't act like you aren't stowed away in Jack's dorm right now.

REAPER: I have no idea what you're talking about.

WINSTON: You may not, but the security cameras outside of Jack's dorm do.

REAPER: Fuck.

MERCY: So you have no issue when it's Reyes that sneaks in but suddenly it's Moira and it's an issue? @WINSTON

WINSTON: Ideally we wouldn't have any Talon agents on base with us, but I guess there is little I can do to actually stop it at this point.

WINSTON: Might as well invite them all to live with us permanently...

DOOMFIST: Excellent. Let's pack our bags.

SIGMA: Yay! An adventure!

WINSTON: It was sarcasm...

DOOMFIST: Too late, monkey. You've made your choice. We are coming.

WINSTON: Whatever, Sombra and Amélie already lived here, Moira and Gabriel are here so often they might as well live here... two more won't hurt, I guess.

DOOMFIST: As expected. We'll be arriving shortly.

[DOOMFIST] went idle.

[SIGMA] went idle.

REAPER: We're still a terrorist organization, you know.

WINSTON: When is the last time you've actually done anything aside from make out with Jack?

D.VA: LMFAOOOOO NOT WINSTON ROASTING GABE

REAPER: ... fair enough.

JUNKRAT: OOOO ARE WE BEING GAY

JUNKRAT: @ROADHOG BEEP BEEP LETTUCE

ROADHOG: ... Beep beep lettuce

CASSIDY: hey @HANZO

HANZO: Yes?

CASSIDY: i cant keep my hanz-off of you

HANZO: That was terrible.

CASSIDY: yes but its okay because you love me

HANZO: Unfortunately so.

TRACER: idk how i can possibly be more gay than i already am

TRACER: ooo i know! ill come sweep emily off her feet!

TRACER: literally!

[TRACER] went idle.

EMILY: What?

EMILY: Oh, jeez.

[EMILY] went idle.

BASTION: 🏳️🌈🏳️🌈🏳️🌈🏳️🌈🏳️🌈🏳️🌈🏳️🌈

ZENYATTA: 🏳️🌈🏳️🌈🏳️🌈🏳️🌈🏳️🌈🏳️🌈🏳️🌈

ORISA: 🏳️🌈🏳️🌈🏳️🌈🏳️🌈🏳️🌈🏳️🌈🏳️🌈

BOB: 🏳️🌈🏳️🌈🏳️🌈🏳️🌈🏳️🌈🏳️🌈🏳️🌈

ECHO: 🏳️🌈🏳️🌈🏳️🌈🏳️🌈🏳️🌈🏳️🌈🏳️🌈

D.VA: NOT THE FUCKING OMNICS TOO JSAKLDJSAKLDSAJLKDAJSLKFSAKLF

BASTION: [attached img GAY.png]

LÚCIO: LOOOOOOL

PHARAH: I cannot believe you even got the omnics involved. Unbelievable.

LÚCIO: this is the best thing ive ever done

ANA: fuck this ill be back i need to go check on hanzo

[ANA] went idle.

HANZO: Erm... I'm... fine?

REINHARDT: No, not you... she means the goldfish we won when we were on vacation. She named it Hanzo.

HANZO: ... Why? Literally why?

HANZO: Why on earth would she name a fish after me?

REINHARDT: Excuse the bluntness...

HANZO: ???

REINHARDT: I have absolutely no fucking idea, man. I was very thoroughly stumped when she told me.

HANZO: And you didn't stop her?

REINHARDT: No one can stop her, foolish man.

[ANA] is no longer idle.

ANA: for your information its a very pretty name

HANZO: ... Thanks, I guess.

ANA: oh dont thank me

ANA: that name is honestly too good for your samurai jack wannabe lookin ass

HANZO: ...

D.VA: LMFOISANFIOSAJFOISAJIOAS ANA STOPPPPPPP

PHARAH: Jesus christ, mom.

ANA: in fact

ANA: from now on i will be exclusively referring to you as todd

LÚCIO: HUH????? LMAO

HANZO: ... Why?!

ANA: dont ask questions todd

[WINSTON] changed [HANZO]'s display name to [TODD].

D.VA: WINSTON LMOSPODSAPODAJSODASPODA

D.VA: @EVERYONE MEET TODD

[GENJI] is no longer idle.

[BAPTISTE] is no longer idle.

[BRIGITTE] is no longer idle.

[ZARYA] is no longer idle.

[MOIRA] is no longer idle.

[DOOMFIST] is no longer idle.

[SIGMA] is no longer idle.

[TRACER] is no longer idle.

[EMILY] is no longer idle.

TRACER: LMFAOOOOOOOOOOO WINSTON NOOOOOOOOO

GENJI: TODD??????????

SIGMA: Why, hello there, Todd! It's a pleasure to meet you!

BAPTISTE: Genji is absolutely losing it right now. Well done, Winston.

BRIGITTE: why todd though???? i don't understand

DOOMFIST: I don't think there is a need to understand. Just to torment.

BRIGITTE: gotcha

MOIRA: Such a fascinating name choice. I find it quite amusing.

EMILY: Wow, even the Talon agents find it funny lol.

ZARYA: Todd is fitting name for puny archer.

LÚCIO: LOL

TODD: I fucking hate all of you.

[TODD] disconnected from [LET'S RUIN ANA].

D.VA: this is so fucking funny im losing it

CASSIDY: i should probably go check on him. just in case.

[CASSIDY] went idle.

ANA: haha gay

PHARAH: Why did I get pinged?

PHARAH: Oh, mom said gay again. Nothing out of the usual.

PHARAH: Wait a second...

PHARAH: MOM SAID GAY AGAIN!

PHARAH: YOU SAID GAY! @ANA

ANA: FUCK

LÚCIO: LMFASMOFSAFOPSAFKAPS I KNEW SHE WOULDNT LAST

SYMMETRA: The one time Fareeha is pleased that her mother said "gay".

BRIGITTE: she lasted a lot longer than any of us thought she would!

D.VA: thats what everyone thinks about tracer when shes in bed with emily ;)))))))))

BRIGITTE: what the fuck is wrong with you?

LÚCIO: LOOOOL STOP

TRACER: i came out to have a good time and im honestly feeling so attacked right now

WIDOWMAKER: Good.

EMILY: I have no comment.

ANA: I LITERALLY HATE EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOU

REINHARDT: Even me?

ANA: ESPECIALLY YOU

REINHARDT: Understandable, have a nice day.

ANA: I LASTED SO LONG AND FOR WHAT

ANA: JUST TO HAVE TODD COME BACK AND BITE ME IN THE ASS

ANA: ALL BECAUSE I WANTED TO NAME MY GOLDFISH HANZO

REINHARDT: Well...

ANA: SHUT UP

GENJI: this is gold LMAO

[CASSIDY] is no longer idle.

[TODD] rejoined [LET'S RUIN ANA].

[TODD] changed display name to [HANZO].

HANZO: So... I hear that Cassidy and I are what finally caused Ana to break?

ANA: LITERALLY SHUT THE FUCK UP TODDWARD

Chapter Text

D.VA: GUYS GUESS WHAT

PHARAH: Brigitte came to her senses and dumped you?

BRIGITTE: now hold on

D.VA: >:( for your information briggy bear and i are in a VERY HEALTHY AND STABLE RELATIONSHIP

LÚCIO: time to play everyones favorite game

LÚCIO: is the incoherent korean swearing coming from hanas dorm because shes losing at a video game or because shes having mad sex with brigitte

BRIGITTE: ...

SOMBRA: well if you want to know the answer...

BRIGITTE: don't even think about it!

TRACER: awww its okay luv

TRACER: everyone has mad sex sometimes!

BRIGITTE: is this really where we're taking this conversation?

TRACER: ok well i guess not everyone

SOMBRA: anyways are we still guessing or what???

BRIGITTE: oh yeah

LÚCIO: right uhhh

LÚCIO: you got winstons credit card frozen again?

WINSTON: That was you?! @D.VA

D.VA: uhhhhhh

BRIGITTE: what do you mean "again"?

D.VA: NEXT GUESS PLEASE

ZARYA: You've decided to stop wasting time with such silly activities such as video games?

ZARYA: You will start coming to the gym more?

ZARYA: Those noodle arms... they need work.

CASSIDY: well thats a lot to unpack

D.VA: ok first of all

D.VA: you barely speak in this chat to begin with and come back just to roast me???

ZARYA: Ya.

D.VA: >:(((((

D.VA: well for your information

D.VA: i DO go to the gym with brigitte like every morning!

BRIGITTE: it's true!

ZARYA: Going to the gym and spending most of your time there kissing your girlfriend does not count as working out.

CASSIDY: EXPOSED

BRIGITTE: no comment...

D.VA: AHEM

D.VA: SECOND OF ALL

D.VA: video games are not a waste of time

D.VA: you ever wonder how i learned to shoot as well as i do? 16-BIT HERO BIAAAAAAAAATCH

ZARYA: Uh huh.

D.VA: well anyways you all suck at guessing, i will allow one more guess before i just tell you

TRACER: OOOOOOO DID BRIGITTE PROPOSE???????

CASSIDY: big if true

76: Do you really think any of us are in a stable enough relationship that we're ready for that kind of commitment?

WIDOWMAKER: Since when does stability matter for any of you?

REAPER: It never has.

WIDOWMAKER: Exactly.

BAPTISTE: Okay, but is that actually what this is about? Because Genji, Lúcio and I are ready to throw a party if so.

LÚCIO: we are?

GENJI: we are?

D.VA: unless brigitte has something she needs to talk to me about, ahem

BRIGITTE: um. this is a lot of pressure on me

D.VA: then no she hasn't proposed

SOMBRA: booooooo

TRACER: damn shame luv

BRIGITTE: we can talk about that later hana

BRIGITTE: but that was the last guess, right? so what is it?

D.VA: oh right

D.VA: I BOUGHT A LABEL MAKER

PHARAH: ...?

PHARAH: You got everyone all worked up... because you bought a label maker?

PHARAH: Just a simple office tool?

D.VA: this label maker is the single greatest purchase i have ever made, just you wait

PHARAH: Should I be worried?

BRIGITTE: honestly? yeah, probably

PHARAH: Thanks for the reassurance.

BRIGITTE: i mean you asked

D.VA: time to get to work!

76: What the hell do you mean? It's time to sleep. It's late.

D.VA: maybe for you old man but i am most productive at this time of night

76: Christ.

76: Well, I'm going to sleep. Good night.

TRACER: dont let the bed bugs bite!

SOMBRA: he likes biting though

REAPER: ...

REAPER: SOMBRA.

SOMBRA: oh what a shame look at the time, i have to go to sleep too

SOMBRA: nighty night!

TRACER: well seems like weve all learned something new about our good friends jack and gabe this lovely evening!

WINSTON: Guys. Please. It's so late. Stop talking. Sleep.

TRACER: ugggggggh do we haaaaaaave to?

WINSTON: Yes. Please.

TRACER: fiiiiiiiiiine

D.VA: ill stop talking here but i wont sleep, i have work to do!

PHARAH: Here we go.

══════════════════

THE NEXT DAY

══════════════════

WINSTON: Good morning, everyone! See, wasn't it nice to get a good night's sleep?

CASSIDY: lmao winston have you seen the common area

WINSTON: I frequent it quite often, yes.

TRACER: no but have you seen it TODAY

WINSTON: Um. No?

WINSTON: Why?

EMILY: There are labels EVERYWHERE.

WINSTON: What?

SOMBRA: dvas label maker

SOMBRA: after you all went to sleep she went to fucking town making labels

BAPTISTE: Literally everything has labels on it. The couches, the television, the silverware in the kitchen...

GENJI: have you guys seen brig lol

BRIGITTE: huh? what about me?

CASSIDY: oh dont tell me you havent noticed

BRIGITTE: ??????

GENJI: lmao she hasnt noticed. incredible.

BRIGITTE: what???

CASSIDY: just go look in a mirror pumpkin

BRIGITTE: ...

BRIGITTE: ah

BRIGITTE: it appears hana has labeled me

EMILY: LOL, what did she label you with?

BRIGITTE: she put a label on my forehead that says "Property of D.Va ;)"

BRIGITTE: and there are a bunch of heart stickers around it

BRIGITTE: she must have done it while i was asleep

SOMBRA: how do you not wake up during that

HANZO: And how did you not notice it until now?

BRIGITTE: in my defense i am a heavy sleeper.

76: GOD DAMN IT HANA!

SOMBRA: speaking of heavy sleepers

CASSIDY: what did she do to jack LMAO

76: I don't want to talk about it, I just want to know where the hell she is!

BRIGITTE: passed out in her dorm. she was up late last night

76: I'll give her a piece of my mind!

TRACER: whats even got you so worked up luv??

76: I don't want to talk about it!

SOMBRA: while he was asleep dva put a label on his stomach that says "WARNING: TINY DICK ALERT" with arrows pointing down

76: SOMBRA!

TRACER: LOOOOOOOOOL

GENJI: LMAO NO WONDER HES SO PISSED

CASSIDY: its funny as fuck tho LOL

76: It is not! Frankly, it's very disrespectful!

SOMBRA: oh shut up and have some fun every once in a while

REAPER: If that girl was going to disrespect Jack like that, she could have at least insulted him more truthfully.

76: Right, let everyone pile up and attack Jack! I see how it is!

SOMBRA: now hold on just a second

SOMBRA: whatcha insinuating there gabe?

REAPER: ...

76: ...

TRACER: i have learned more about jack and gabe's relationship over these past 12 hours than i ever wanted to learn about

SOMBRA: and thats why im here ;)

REAPER: You're here because you decided on a whim one day to hack into this god-forsaken chat room and invite all of us into it. And for what? To air out my personal relationships?

SOMBRA: i added you all to it because i thought it would be funny

SOMBRA: and i was right!

REAPER: When was the last time you put this much effort into Talon?

SOMBRA: never :)

WINSTON: When was the last time anyone put any effort into Talon?

REAPER: ... Touché.

WINSTON: I mean, most of you practically live here at this point...

DOOMFIST: I don't.

SIGMA: Neither do I. It's lonely here. :(

WINSTON: Okay... well you two aren't in relationships with Overwatch agents.

DOOMFIST: Sombra and Widowmaker are in a relationship with each other and yet they live on base with Overwatch.

WINSTON: Yeah... I just kinda gave up early on with them.

WIDOWMAKER: I like it here better than at the Talon base anyways.

WIDOWMAKER: At least I get my own space here.

DOOMFIST: Do we not do enough for you?

WIDOWMAKER: Non.

WINSTON: Ah... speaking of Hana's labels.

WINSTON: It appears she has labeled my credit card.

WINSTON: It says "Fun Stuff Funding :)". Sigh.

CASSIDY: i mean she isnt wrong

WINSTON: She shouldn't be right, either!

BAPTISTE: God forbid we try to get our own income. We don't need a repeat of the DoorDash incident.

WINSTON: Sigh... you're right, I guess.

ANA: hey so

ANA: dva put labels all over my fucking door

ANA: they all say "gay" on them and there are rainbow stickers around them

ANA: which i mean.... fair play, girl

ANA: but come on

JUNKRAT: HEY MY DOOR GOT LABELED TOO!!!!!

JUNKRAT: MINE SAYS "RAT #1"

MOIRA: Implying there's a Rat #2?

HAMMOND: It's me. The second label is on my enclosure.

BAPTISTE: Heh... now that's funny.

ROADHOG: You're right and you should say it

CASSIDY: hey now wait just a diddly damn minute

CASSIDY: hana put labels all around the brim of my cowboy hat that just say "stupid" over and over again

CASSIDY: im hurt :(

MOIRA: She isn't wrong, though.

CASSIDY: oh shut up :(

MOIRA: @HANZO come fetch your child.

HANZO: Sigh.

ROADHOG: Oh have you guys seen the pantry

WINSTON: What about it?

JUNKRAT: ALL OF THE JUNK FOOD IN THERE IS LABELED

WINSTON: Saying what...?

ROADHOG: "D.Va's Gamer Fuel"

ROADHOG: Which would be fine and all if she put it on the food that she bought

ROADHOG: But it's on literally every junk food item in here, including my cheese curls

JUNKRAT: !!!!!!! NOT THE CHEESE CURLS

ROADHOG: Yes the cheese curls

LÚCIO: she also put the gamer fuel labels on my mountain dew :(

GENJI: doesnt she literally have her own personal stash of mountain dew @BRIGITTE

BRIGITTE: yes she does

LÚCIO: and thats not enough?????

BRIGITTE: sorry, cant control her strange decisions lol

WINSTON: Well, whenever she wakes up she needs to remove these labels. This is excessive.

TRACER: oh lighten up a lil bit winston! it was real funny to wake up to!

HANZO: And immature.

GENJI: but funny! mostly

CASSIDY: it was funny until it was on my hat :(

D.VA: gooooood morning everyone! what did i miss?

WINSTON: You're a menace to society.