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Jungeun opens her laptop, nerves bouncing off her fingertips. She takes a deep breath, trying to calm herself as she pulls up the video calling app. Though she had been doing this every week - every Friday, on the dot - she still gets nervous beforehand. She looks at the clock in the lower right hand corner of her screen - still five minutes to go. It was actually more like eight minutes since Haseul always liked to be fashionably late (if you’d call three minutes ‘late’) (Kim Jungeun, always five minutes early, would).
Standing up, Jungeun decides to get a glass of water to help calm her nerves. Exiting the room, she walks into the kitchen, hoping no one would be there to stop her for a chat. That hope is quickly dashed as she sees a familiar set of bangs rummaging through the fridge.
“Jiwoo, can I get some water?” Jungeun rasps out, now fully aware that she hasn’t talked in hours and probably needed the water. The sound makes Jiwoo jump, hitting her head on a shelf. She backs out, rubbing her head and giggling.
“Yeah, of course. Sorry, I was just looking for my dumplings from yesterday.” Jiwoo stands aside and gestures to the fridge, as if ushering Jungeun to it. Jungeun rolls her eyes and pours water for herself.
“Jinsoul ate them last night,” she says, slowly pulling away and closing the refrigerator softly. She starts to turn to look at Jiwoo only to find her not there, but already halfway down the hall. Heading back to her own room, Jungeun tries not to worry about it - even as she hears Jinsoul’s name being yelled down the hall.
Closing her door with one hand, she sighs, taking respite from the loudness of her roommates. She heads towards her desk and takes a seat once more, sipping at her water. One minute to go.
Fuck it. It’s close enough. Jungeun hops on the call and waits, tapping her fingertips across the desk. She stares at the screen, looking at her reflection. What if Haseul doesn’t pick up? What if she’s too busy for Jungeun? What if she’s not feeling well enough to talk to Jungeun? What if she forgot?
Jungeun’s frantic thoughts are disrupted by the sound of another person joining the call and Haseul's face popping on screen. Jungeun instantly smiles, nerves already dissipating.
“Helloooooo, can you hear me?” Haseul sing-songs out through the screen. It makes Jungeun’s heart hurt with love.
“Yeah, I can hear you. Can you hear me?”
“No,” Haseul replies, making Jungeun’s eyebrows scrunch up. Haseul laughs at her reaction, the sound light and airy, flying its way around Jungeun’s head and into her ears.
“Oh shut up,” Jungeun mumbles with a slight blush. Haseul’s pixels move slightly on the screen as she gets herself more comfortable.
“So how’s it been? Any new developments? Is Jinsoul still eating everyone’s food or has that stopped?”
“She’s still doing it. I just got back from Jiwoo yelling at Jinsoul’s door for eating her dumplings. I’ve gotten used to it, but I think Jiwoo might actually start a fight about it one of these days.” Jungeun sees Haseul’s smile through the camera. She wishes Haseul was here.
“Oh no, poor Jinsoul,” Haseul replies. Jungeun’s eyes practically shoot out of her head.
“Poor Jinsoul?! She’s the one stealing food,” Jungeun replies. Haseul’s laugh flutters throughout the room in reply.
“Yeah, but Jiwoo could be in WWE. She’s built like a Care Bear but has strength like a bodybuilder. I wouldn’t want to get in a fight with her.” Jungeun nods in agreement. She thinks about the time Jiwoo headlocked her as a joke and Haseul rushed over, thinking it was serious. It didn’t even hurt that much, but she still let Haseul baby her afterwards.
“You have a point. I’ll have to keep my eye out for that then,” Jungeun says She thinks about tall, lanky Jinsoul being manhandled by tiny (but still taller than Jungeun), jolly Jiwoo. “What about you? How’s it going on your end?”
Haseul pouts and Jungeun thinks she’s made the wrong move (or right, the pout is very cute), but then Haseul speaks.
“That’s it for you? Nothing else happening?” she says hopefully. Jungeun wonders how lonely she is. Jungeun feels lonely, even with two roommates.
“To be honest, nothing has really been happening.” It’s not the same without you, she desperately wants to say. But she doesn’t want to burden Haseul, so she keeps it to herself. “Just the usual. Can’t really say that much has happened the past week.”
Haseul chuckles at that and exaggeratedly shrugs.
“Guess that’s fair enough!” Jungeun laughs with her, remembering the time Haseul came back from a trip to the local grocer with only a bag of vinegar (she went to pick up milk, cereal, fruits and vegetables.. among many other things) and did the exact same shrug in response to everyone's confusion.
“I went on a walk with my parents today. It was nice,” Haseul says in a much smaller voice.
“Sounds nice.” Jungeun imagines it was her walking with Haseul, hand in hers as they look at the leaves rustling in the wind. “How’s the weather over there? It’s been raining almost nonstop here.”
“It’s been good. Nice and warm but not too hot. Some light showers once in a while, but not often,” Haseul replies, much more upbeat. Maybe it’s raining here because you’re gone.
“Maybe it’s raining there because I’m gone,” Haseul continues, with a smirk. Jungeun smiles softly at the screen.
“Probably,” she all but whispers. The two of them stare at the screen, at each other, not wanting to move onto the elephant in the room. It eats Jungeun up, Haseul avoids talking about it every time they call. Only jokes and walking around the subject, never actually talking about feelings. Jungeun feels like she’s gonna explode-
“I miss you,” she blurts out.
“I know-”
“But I also worry about you. Can you- are you- Haseul, are you okay? It’s okay if you’re not, I just need to know how you’re doing.” Jungeun’s heart is beating astronomically fast. She really doesn’t want to talk about it if Haseul is uncomfortable, but she can’t take not knowing. Haseul curls into herself on the chair, lifting her knees up to her chest.
“I’m not doing the best, if we’re being honest. But I know I will be okay. It’s just- I can’t will myself to do much of anything. I just want to sleep and the thought of doing things makes my chest hurt. At the same time, I’m so angry at myself for just sitting around. I feel selfish and lazy. I know I’m not supposed to feel like that, but I can’t help it. But I’ll be okay. I just need time.”
Jungeun tries her best not to cry - she’s tearing up, but she will NOT let a single tear fall - and takes a steady breath. All she wants to do is reach through the screen and hug her. She wants to hold Haseul tight in her arms, love pouring out of her chest with every squeeze she gives. But she’ll settle with this, if it’s what Haseul wants.
“Thank you for telling me,” Jungeun says honestly. “Remember to give yourself a break once in a while - like not physically, but be nicer to yourself. You're taking time to heal, even if it might not feel like that some days.” Jungeun takes a deep breath before continuing.
“I’m sorry if I made you uncomfortable, by the way, I just love you so much and I want to know what’s going on - if nothing, but just to support you.”
“No, no, no, you didn’t make me uncomfortable. I’ll never be uncomfortable with you. I wanted to tell you, it’s just hard. It’s so hard.” Haseul is now wiping at her eyes with the back of her hands. Jungeun lets a tear fall (maybe two).
Then Haseul laughs, sound unsteady from the tears still falling down her face.
“Kim Jungeun, you were not supposed to make me cry today,” she pats her eyes and looks up at the ceiling.
“Ah, sorry-”
“No, it’s good. I needed it. I’m glad we talked about it. I-I needed it,” Haseul slightly blushes for repeating herself. “I miss you too, by the way.”
Jungeun finally breaks down, full-on sobbing. She can hear Haseul berate her in the background (“I’m gonna start crying again! Stop!!”), but she can’t help it.
Once tears are all let out, the conversation eventually goes back to normal. They talk for hours about anything they can think of (“Haseul, why would you need a double-headed Troll doll from eBay?” “Because it looks cool? Next question.”), enjoying each other’s company. Eventually, Jungeun can hear her roommates settle down for the night and she figures she should too (she doesn’t want to, she could talk to Haseul for the rest of her life). Haseul seems to notice the time as well.
“I should probably get going. Apparently, a healthy sleep schedule is 'good for mental health' or something,” she says, rolling her eyes. Jungeun giggles before yawning in her hand.
“Jungeun, I just want to say thank you for having these calls with me. They mean a lot,” Haseul's voice gets soft again. Jungeun rests her head on her arm, cheek puffing.
“Yeah, of course. You think I would let you go away without talking to me for months on end? I would practically die.” Haseul lets out a heartfelt laugh at that, easing the feeling in Jungeun’s chest.
“I would die too,” Haseul says, eyes shining. “I’ll try to get better, like Sonic fast.”
“Hurry and come here,” Jungeun whines, playing along. She sits in quiet afterwards, taking in Haseul's pixel form on the screen. She can’t wait for the day that she can see her in person again.
“Don’t rush yourself, Haseul,” Jungeun softly adds on after the moment of silence.
“I won’t,” Haseul says softly back.
There’s yapping in the background then, and Haseul turns around in her chair. Picking up a ball of dark blonde fluff, she holds Latte up to the camera.
“Say good night to Latte, Jungeun!”
“Good night, Latte.”
Latte is put down and Haseul faces the camera again. Jungeun can’t believe how beautiful she is, even after talking to someone for hours.
“Good night, Haseul. I love you.” Jungeun squishes her cheek into her arm more, out of embarrassment. Haseul doesn’t comment on it, just smiles bigger.
Then in the softest voice yet, she says, “good night, Jungeun. I love you, too.”
Jungeun can’t wait for next Friday.