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“I’m so glad you made it,” he told her, wrapping his arms around her hips, then leaning in for a kiss. It was the first week of classes starting back after the shooting, and they both knew he was wired pretty tightly. She had promised to come by to sit in on a class and take him to lunch. They’d just finished his intro to criminal law class and made their way back to his office. The university had moved his office across campus from where it was previously, and he was incredibly thankful.
She smiled as their lips met. “I wouldn’t miss it,” she told him. “Getting to see you in a classroom is...it’s amazing. Different from the courtroom…” She shook her head, still smiling. “Amazing though. You still know how to command a room, don’t you?”
There was a sharp knock on the cracked door before he could respond. It opened to reveal a young woman in the doorway, tugging her backpack over her shoulder. “Professor Barba?’ she said, and he smiled, approaching the door. “Hey Sandy, come on in,” Rafael greeted her warmly. “ I’ll get that letter for you.”
Amanda stepped behind his desk, out of the way, taking a look out the window at the campus. He was on the third floor now and had an excellent view. She had to admit there were perks to this job that definitely outweighed his last one. He had once confided in her that he made more here than he could have dreamt of making as an ADA in Manhattan, but he was also required to write articles for law journals as well as present at professional conferences, neither of which he had done before when he was an actual prosecutor. The irony had made her laugh, and he had agreed it was a little nuts. He seemed happy though, and she was happy for him.
Rafael rummaged through the stack of papers on his desk as he made small talk with the student. She was new in his undergraduate class. “So, what do you think so far?” he asked pleasantly, “Think law may be what you want to pursue?”
She laughed lightly. “Actually, I know it’s what I want to do. I may be late getting into school and starting my work toward it, but I have no doubt where I’m going.”
Finding the envelope, he picked it up and handed it to her. “That’s fantastic. It’s a lot of hard work, but it’s worth it, if you’re truly passionate about it. I--”
“Detective Rollins?” Sandy interrupted him, and he realized she was completely focused on his girlfriend, who just now turned her attention to the brunette just a few feet away. “It’s me,” she said, stepping forward. “Sandy...Sandy Ksenivch...we met a couple of years ago?”
Rafael watched Amanda stiffen slightly, then smile. “I remember,” she said, and he could tell she was trying to mask an awkwardness he didn’t usually see. “How are you, Sandy? Are you--you’re in school here?”
“Mmhmm.” She nodded proudly. “It wasn’t easy, but I managed to pass the requirements. My ma had a small bit of money in stocks that I didn’t know about for awhile. I was able to take that money and use it for tuition.” Glancing at her professor, then back to the detective, she added, “I’m waitressing now. It’s not great money but it’ll get me through.”
Amanda nodded. “That sounds terrific. I’m so glad for you. Listen!” Amanda reached over the desk and grabbed a blank postit note off of Rafael’s calendar. “If you ever need anything, here’s my number. You can give me a call any time, okay?”
Sandy nodded. “Thanks. I hope things from before worked out for you.”
“They did!” Amanda replied quickly. “I’ve moved on,” she added, waving her hands as though it were nothing. Sandy nodded, then turned to Rafael. “Thanks for the letter, Professor. I appreciate it.”
“No problem, Sandy,” he told her, “It was my pleasure.” He walked her to the door, closing it behind her as she exited. He sighed, then clapped his hands and rubbed them together. “You hungry? What are you in the mood for?”
Amanda approached him slowly, wrapping her arms around him again, and he noticed a shift in her mood. “I’m off for the rest of the day, just like you,” she noted, “and Aliyah is with the girls until seven tonight. Interested in having lunch at your place? Followed with a little, uh, afternoon delight?” She winked, but he still felt a tension that hadn’t been there before.
“Sure,” he nodded, giving her a sexy smirk, “I’m always up for skyrockets in flight.” They both chuckled, low. “But, Amanda...everything okay? You seemed a bit tense when you saw Sandy.”
“I’m fine,” she assured him. “Let’s get some lunch and go back to your place, and I’ll tell you about it, okay?”
He nodded. “Okay.”
***
They were settled on his couch sharing an order of nachos, along with a pitcher of margaritas. They’d stopped to pick up the nachos at a mexican cafe near his place and decided to make margaritas as well, so they crossed the street to the market to grab a few limes. He had the tequila and liqueur at home, so Amanda went to grab the cuervo margarita mix off the shelf until she saw his face. “Fine. What do you want?” she asked, frowning back.
“Limes. We can make them just as easy at home without that... mix, ” he had said, so they grabbed the limes and a small bag of sugar, because he couldn’t remember how much he had.
“Okay, you’re right,” she admitted, finishing off her first glass. “These are better homemade. I didn’t realize they were so simple to make...that’s what I get, dating a cuban boy, huh?”
He chuckled. “At least you know if you bolt, you’ve gotten a decent recipe out of our time together.” He grabbed a chip and scooped up some toppings. “I try to make your time with me worth it.”
She smiled. “Yes, I can see your dedication. It’s quite clear.”
He leaned over and kissed the corner of her mouth, then licked a dot of cheese sauce there. “So, you gonna tell me how you know Sandy Ksenivch?”
She stiffened for a second, then finished her chip. “I met her a couple years ago on a case. It wasn’t that long after you left, I wanna say...maybe a few months. It wasn’t a good time in my life. Al and I were seeing each other then, and it was around the time I found out he’d been sleeping with escorts.” She was quiet for a minute. “I found that out right after we’d slept together. I remember thinking, that’s what I get for not waiting longer.”
Rafael reached over, stroking her thigh. “I’m so sorry he did that, honey. And that’s not on you.”
“Maybe not directly,” she countered, “but we both know I have a habit of jumping into bed with men way too soon...and jumping into bed with the wrong men.”
“So what did this have to do with Sandy?” he asked. “Don’t tell me she was sleeping with Al, too.”
“No.” Amanda looked down, laughing and shaking her head. “I just, um...I took some things out on her that I shouldn’t have--” She looked up to see him regarding her with a confused expression. “She came to SVU needing some assistance. I made some judgments based on what she was doing at the time, and I treated her terribly. I did apologize and try to make it up to her, but how do you make up for that kind of stuff?” She shook her head again.
“She was a victim,” he said, putting the pieces together.
Amanda met his eyes. “Hypothetically? Because I don’t want this to impact her in school...I know it’s public record, but…”
His eyes narrowed. “Amanda. You know me better than that. Anything you say to me here is in confidence, and I won’t be using it to impact her grade in any way. So she was doing something at the time that was upsetting to you--was she escorting? Hooking?”
Amanda nodded. “She was hooking, and was assaulted by a military guy. He beat her pretty good. And Rafael, I was horrible to her. If you could hear the things I said to that girl, you’d agree I should’ve been fired. I felt so badly about it I tried to apologize afterward, but it was a pitiful excuse. I should’ve been fired,” she repeated. She refilled her glass, then took a long drink. “Or at the very least, written up.” She glanced at him, then looked away. “I called her trash, threw money at her. Told her that was a language she understood...that all she’d ever be to me was trash.” She waited for him to wince, but it didn’t happen. Instead, he picked at another chip.
“What did Liv do about it?” he asked, popping the chip into his mouth.
She snorted. “Not much. Just told me not to take my frustrations out on the vic.” She shook her head. “You know, when I saw her today I hardly recognized her. She’s walking with more pride these days. I know she’s had it rough, but look at her. She’s turned it around and is making something of herself now. Not because of me in any way.”
Rafael bit his lip. It was his habit to jump in and rescue Amanda from her own thoughts, to reassure her that she was worthwhile and wonderful. But he wondered if this was something she needed to sit with, to struggle with a bit. Where was the line between reassurance and rescuing, he thought to himself, then took a sip of his margarita.
“Do you think I can change that?” she asked suddenly.
“Change what?” he asked, unsure if he had missed part of the conversation.
“Projecting shit onto other people. Like this. This had nothing to do with her. It wasn’t her fault in any way, but I took advantage and blasted her. It’s bullying behavior, basically, isn’t it? Somebody in need walked into my path and I blasted her because I knew she was there and couldn’t fight back.”
He exhaled heavily. “Theoretically? Sure, we can change. It just has to be important enough to us to make the change, you know? We have to value it enough to put stops in place to ensure we never do it again. Personally, though?” He dusted his hands off on his pants. “I think you can change whatever you want to,” he said, leaning forward and resting his elbows on his thighs. “You’re smart and observant, Amanda, and you have a pretty solid understanding of basic psychology and insight, more than a lot of people do. I’m guessing it’s a pattern you grew up with--people blasting whoever was smaller that got in their way when they were angry--so yeah, it takes some work. I haven’t personally seen you bully and blast people, so at least you can take comfort in the fact it isn’t happening all the time, or even with a lot of regularity.”
She sighed, then took another sip of her drink. “Maybe.”
***
“Before you, I never had sex all that often during the day,” she commented, as they were lying in his bed later that afternoon. They’d just finished making love and were enjoying the afterglow. His body was always so warm, she thought, and especially after they’d had sex. He put a lot into it, making sure she enjoyed herself, so she’d come to expect both of them to be sweaty messes by the time they finished. But when they finished, they weren’t really finished, because if they had time, he almost always explored. Like now. His hand continued to wander its way up and down her side. It was one of the things she loved about him. He was always touching her, like he really enjoyed it. It was sweet and pleasant and in some ways, almost as good as the sex itself.
He laughed. “It’s the job. Trust me, I wasn’t having afternoon trysts during the twenty-one years I worked for the DA’s office.”
“I kind of like it, though.” She ran a finger over his chest, to one of his nipples, and circled it. “Especially on rainy afternoons like today. It’s sexy.”
“Mmm. Me too,” he replied. “As hard as it is to admit, this is by far more interesting than any meeting with a defense attorney.”
She chuckled, low, and sucked his nipple as he ran his fingers through her hair. “You know, I always admired your drive as a detective...that and how clever you are. And I never really saw you dismiss certain types of victims. I mean, I wasn’t your supervisor, but I would think those kinds of pervasive attitudes would shine through over time. And I don’t think that Liv would keep a person on her squad who had an issue with victims as a whole.” She was staring at him now, eyes narrowed, and he felt the hair on his arms stand on end. “What?”
She tilted her head. “I’m just wondering what’s your point.”
“Oh! Oh. Well. Ah, I guess I was thinking about Sandy Ksenivch. Trying to figure out why you let yourself go off with her, instead of, say, a perp...or even another vic who was a liar, or in your face, or made your job more difficult, you know?”
“Did I leave out the part where we were chasing her down? She lied multiple times and made my job much more difficult,” she said, pulling back from him. “Anyway, I already told you why. I did it because of Al...where I was at that time in my relationship with him. It’s not who I am, and I know it’s not okay. I’m not sure why we’re revisiting this?”
He shrugged his shoulders. “I don’t know...I guess Al seems to trigger a lot of stuff in you. With Sandy, with me...I’m just wondering what that’s about.”
Amanda pulled herself up and climbed out of the bed, reaching for her clothes. “I think it’s time for me to leave. I’ve got some things I need to take care of at home--”
Rafael sat up, watching her for a minute as she slid into her panties and put on her bra. “Stop, Amanda,” he said. She stood still for a moment as though she were contemplating her choices, then sat back on the corner of the bed.
“You can’t run every time you hear something you don’t like.” She didn’t move, so he climbed over the covers and sat next to her. “If it makes you feel better, I know it’s not my business, other than how it affects our relationship. But the fact of the matter is that it does. How you’ve dealt with Al, and how you continue to deal with him, as well as how you’ve felt about all the things he’s done to you and with you...honey, all of that is still impacting you. It didn’t end when you threw that cash at Sandy Ksenivch, or when you took her to dinner to make up for it, or even today when you gave her your phone number. And in my opinion, you’re lying to yourself if you think it did.”
They sat in silence for several minutes, until she barked a laugh. “This was more fun when we were fucking.”
He ran a hand over the back of her neck, rubbing gently. “Yeah. But we’re already good at that.”
***
“Professor!” Sandy was calling to him from down the hall. He stopped and turned around for her to catch up.
“Yes, Sandy! How are you?” He adjusted his messenger bag over his shoulder.
“I’m good,” she told him, falling into step next to him. “I wanted to thank you for the reference letter you wrote for me...they accepted me at the summer internship I wanted.”
He grinned. “That is fantastic! They will certainly benefit from you as much as you will from them. This is great news!”
She smiled. “I’m really excited.” She paused for a second. “I didn’t know that you knew Detective Rollins...did she tell you how we met?”
Awkwardly, he nodded his head. “Yes, she did. I’m so sorry for what you went through. You know, I was the--”
“The ADA for special victims, yeah, I know.” She shifted her books to her other arm. “It’s part of the reason I chose to go to school here. I wanted to take your classes.” They were standing still now, outside of his office. “Could you do me a favor? I really want Detective Rollins to know that I’m doing well. Really well. Part of that may be because of the good things she said to me afterward, but part of it may also be because of the shit she spewed at me before. Either way,” she lifted her head, chin up, and smiled at him, “I want her to know I survived.”
Rafael nodded. “She saw you, Sandy,” he told her. “She sees who you are today, and I think she’s happy for you.”
“No offense,” Sandy said, “but that doesn’t matter. I did it in spite of people like her as well as because of them. I just want her to know.” She looked at him again and her smile softened. “Are we okay? Me and you? Because I love your class and would hate to think this shot it to hell.”
He shook his head. “You and I are perfect. And I’ll see you in class on Wednesday.”
She grinned back, nodded, and headed down the hallway. He watched as two other students caught up with her, and he could hear their laughter as he turned into his office.
Sinking into his desk chair, he dialed his phone. “Mandy,” he said quietly, “Sandy Ksenivch wanted me to let you know she’s doing really well. Yeah, I thought you’d be glad to know that. Perfect. Love you too.”