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The sunlight was streaming through the windows highlighting the softly drifting dust motes and Sirius wondered at how the weather could be so inconsiderate of the emotional turmoil churning in his chest. Days like this weren't meant to be sunny. They weren't meant to be full of students playing outdoors and screaming in delight. Stepping through the ribbons of warmth before turning into the darkened corridor that led to the Hospital Wing, he supposed that maybe he should be thankful as everyone being outdoors meant there was no one to see him stumbling through the hallways with his heavy feet and ghostly pallor.
The cold stones surrounding him and closing in were much more fitting to the ache in his heart. The familiar arched doorway greeted him and the young wizard shuffled past the heavy door and past the many empty beds, his feet not wanting to reach their destination. Regardless, he pressed forward, still very much the boy who leaned into his pain rather than away from it. Madam Pomfrey was nowhere to be seen and he suspected that it was an intentional effort on her part.
Remus hated being babied.
White curtains fluttered around him as he moved past the privacy screen and took his seat dutifully beside the bed. Skin that had always kept a golden tint to them regardless of the season was now a strangely greyish color and the scars that had always been pale and shimmery were oddly dull. Red and wet bandages clung to the thin midsection, the scent of blood heavy in the still air. Eyelids blinked so slowly, barely revealing the hazel irises that shouldn't be drowning in amber anymore but were.
"Hey there," the cracked lips murmured.
"Hey," Sirius whispered back before reaching out to slowly take the hand that had slowly opened palm up to him.
Where there would usually be playful banter, only silence echoed. The young Pureblood couldn't seem to come up with any words.
He could hear the slight whistle from the lungs that were wheezing and it was strangely comforting. Their fingers entwined, a gesture that they hadn't dared to indulge in even in the privacy of their dorm room. They had been too scared to address the mutual glances and touches that would linger just a little longer than was strictly friendly. Now, it all seemed so silly to Sirius.
"It'll be okay," Remus offered weakly. "I'll be up and...at it again with you blokes...in no time."
"Of course you will," Sirius scoffed softly as his thumb rubbed gently against the warm skin. It wasn't as hot as usual, but he supposed that maybe the blood loss was to blame for that. "Prongs has this really great prank thought up, but we need your expertise in those stupid charms or it won't work."
A crooked grin tugged softly on those lips. "If you'd...just practice a bit...you'd be just as good...as me."
"My dear Mssr. Moony, Mssr. Padfoot would have you know that he doesn't have the time to practice. There is too much mischief to be had."
And he never wanted to take away something that Remus had been so proud to hold over him.
"Mssr. Padfoot...Mssr. Moony would like you...to know that he thinks...you're a prat."
"Mssr. Padfoot would like to compliment your ability to be an arse regardless of the circumstances," the young wizard replied with a grin of his own.
He pulled the thin hand up and gently pressed the palm back to expose the ridged wrist before leaning down and ever so softly pressing a kiss. It was more of a brushing of lips against the thin skin than a proper kiss, but it had his own heart pounding helplessly.
"Mssr. Moony...likes that."
"There's plenty more waiting for you." Grey eyes studied the delicate looking wrist and then their entwined fingers. "You know, for when you get out."
"Yeah." The reply was accented with a heavy sigh.
Taking a deep breath himself, Sirius scooted the chair more closely and allowed himself to rest his head carefully on the covered lap. The scent of blood was very strong, so he turned his face away from the other boy and just stared at the covered mounds that indicated where Remus' feet were. His thumb continued to stroke back and forth.
"We're going to be graduating in another couple of years," he murmured. "If they don't kick us out before-hand, you know? Not that they'd ever kick you out, Mr. Prefect." Remus' wheezing was the only response. "I...I don't really like thinking about after Graduation," Sirius confessed quietly. "I don't like thinking about things being different than they are right now."
"Oh...there are...a few...differences...I'd like."
Sirius buried his soppy grin into the soft sheets. He muttered his response against the thighs before turning his head and repeating it more clearly.
"Okay, yeah, those are good differences. I'd like that too." It was thrilling to finally say it out loud. "But after school, what are we supposed to do? Go get boring jobs? Live separately?"
He waited for the strained breaths to calm and the reply to come.
"We...can live...together."
Squeezing the hand in his tightly, but mindful not to hurt, Sirius allowed himself to imagine that future. Leaving Hogwarts only to move into a nice little flat with Remus. They wouldn't have much stuff and honestly wouldn't need much besides a bed and some clothes. Maybe they could splurge and get a Muggle TV so that James and Peter could come over and watch things with them. Sirius didn't technically have to work and he could easily support a lover on his family's wealth. Maybe they would travel the globe just for kicks, going to Ancient sites and studying different branches of magic that intrigued them. Maybe he could convince Remus to help him and James map out the entirety of the Ministry of Magic. James didn't need a job either, but he'd had his eye on the Auror Department lately if the whole professional Quidditch thing didn't work out.
"We could travel the globe, Remus," he whispered dreamily. "Go see all those places you talk about wanting to see. Try different kinds of food. Maybe bring your Mum back souvenirs or something."
"Mmmm..."
"I'd let you pick out the itinerary," Sirius insisted, hoping that he wouldn't have to work too hard to sell the idea. "Anywhere would be fine with me, just so long as you're there." He was blushing now, saying too much and yet not enough.
"Yeah?"
"Definitely. I...I'd be happy just getting to see you in the mornings. Doesn't matter where in the world."
"Sap."
"Yeah, yeah, I know." The tease didn't diminish the blush on his cheeks or the too-wide grin on his lips. "But you're going to have to get used to it too, you know? Seeing my ugly mug in the mornings."
"Sirius..."
"I'm sure it won't be too much of a chore," Sirius chuckled feeling the tears welling in his eyes. His chest was aching so very much. "W-we'll see so many things, Remus. Won't we?"
"Yeah..."
There was a ghost of fingers in his hair and Sirius wiped his face against the crisp sheets.
"Th-that'll have to wait until after graduation, but, uh, we don't. What I mean is that, we don't have to be all over each other in the halls or anything. We can just keep it in the dorms. James and Peter will understand and I think that after a bit they would even support us. You know? They're...they're our brothers. They'll get it." He took another shaky breath. "And we don't have to do anything really. Holding hands is good stuff, but only if you like it."
The grip remained solid in his hand and Sirius sniffled quietly as he stared at the foot of the bed and the wispy curtains beyond it. Did he want to more? Yes. He wanted so much that he couldn't sleep at night. He wanted to hold hands, to steal kisses, to taste that skin, to be so entwined in each other that there was no real beginning and end. He wanted to be filled to the brim with everything that was Remus Lupin.
Why had he waited so long? Why had they tip-toed around each other instead of just diving in? The whispered conversations they could have been having hidden away in alcoves while their fingers danced with each other. The kisses behind bed curtains. The hugs that could last all night long if they wanted.
"I love you," he whispered, hating that it had taken so long to get to this point. "I really do, Remus. I love you so much."
Fingers not keeping Remus' hand in a tight grip were busy picking at a few loose strands on the sheets. They would need to be torn to rags soon enough, too thin and too worn to keep anyone very warm. Some of the sounds from outside filtered up in to the room, the laughter of children and the chatter of friends. Sirius' lip was trembling uncontrollably as he pulled himself up and forced himself to look over his shoulder.
There was no more whistling breath. No more warmth.
Golden eyes stared unblinking down at where he had been resting his head and the lips remained open as if in mid-attempt at saying something.
Pulling the limp hand to his mouth, Sirius pressed a soft kiss even as the tears slid down shamelessly and the sobs stuttered in his chest.
I love you.