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"Stop saying you're fat. You're gorgeous." I said caressing his face. He pouts disagreeing then rub his cute little stomach.
"Look at my tummy."
"It's okay, peaches. This is my pillow." I pulled him into a hug.
"I'm going to diet."
"Why? You're perfect now. You don't have to do it."
"If I get fatter will you leave me?" I laughed that instant. Ah, he's so cute.
"Listen, .." I look at him on the eye once I stopped laughing. "Whether you're fatter, slimmer, taller, shorter, it doesn't matter to me. I'd still loves you the same."
"Cheeeeessyy" He rolls his eyes.
"I'm serious." I said, cupping his face in my huge hands.
"I know, love. Thank you." He said with a smile. The brightest smile. I couldn't hold myself not to poured kisses all over his face.
"I love you." I heard him whispers.
"I love you more, peaches." Oh, that rosy cheeks again. I'm in love.
This were us, few months ago.
Now I'm so close to forgot how his voice sounds like.
Conversations are luxury
Days filled with misery
Words are getting shorter
Nights are getting colder
Even with all that, I never want us to end.
Never putting the full stop on our unfinished page.
I'd just give him more time to think about us and I'm ready to take a step forward whenever he took a step back.
Our apartment door opened, he's home.
"Have you had dinner?" He asked with a flat tone it doesn't sound like a question.
"Yes, I already ate. H-how about you?"
"I ate too." He replied not even looking at me, going straight to our room. Sigh, I want to hug him welcome as we normally did. How many months had past since the last time we exchange hugs and kisses. I'm still not used to this emptiness and never going to.
I've tried hugging him few times before but he rejects me right away.
Not even giving excuses.
I miss him, his after shower scent, his warm body, his calming voice, his little sing along to our favourite song, the sound of his laugh, his attractive expression while cooking, his lovely whines and grunts. I missed all of it.
Am I going to continue my life without having any of those anymore?
I missed our unbeneficial discussions, our pillow talks, how I felt when he kissed me, how I felt when I see his smile first thing when I woke up, how I felt when he whispered countless I love yous.
Am I going to continue my life without feeling any of those anymore?
I'm afraid I will.
"Jae" I came back to my feet when he called me.
He's sitting on one of our dining table's chair. Hair still wet from shower.
I pulled a chair — facing him. He slides a brown envelope across to me.
"What is this, Bri?" I asked waiting for his eyes to meet mine. Once he met mine, my heart fell. How cold his gaze now, I almost didn't recognize him.
He changed.
No, we both changed.
His eyes were still glued to mine when he replied, "Open it."
"I don't want to." I heard him clicked his tongue.
"C'mon Jae, let's get this done."
"What do you mean by done? What is done?!"
"Us. Us is done. It's over."
"Said who?"
"I said."
"But not me. I never said we're done." I saw him sigh then lean forward.
"Jae. I'm not in love with you anymore. Which part of it you don't understand?"
"And why is that? Why you're no longer in love with me? Tell me what's wrong?"
"Nothings wrong. It just me....I don't know, I just...."
"Think about it carefully, Brian. We talked about this. I only want to be married once, and you want that too. Think carefully."
"I've been thinking for months, Jae. This is my decision. I'm really sorry, I don—"
"Stop. I don't want to hear it. I'm not going to sign this damn divorce papers. Not even in your dream."
I barged to our room and plopped to our bed.
Everything is ours.
Our apartment, our room, our bed, our furniture, our this and that.
It's always been ours, for 8 years, it's always been ours.
I never once thought of things that's not ours.
After all pain we got through together, waves we swam through together, battles we fought together, scars we bleed together, smiles we shared together, pleasures we enjoyed together, after all the times we have each other how could I let it all go away? I couldn't, and I won't.
I lie down, holding my tears when he came and sit on the opposite side of the bed.
"Jae, just now you asked me why I'm no longer in love with you, right? Will you listen to my answer?" I sat back, demanding an answer.
"I...have a girlfriend."
Oh, God.
Please tell me this is just a nightmare.
"Girlfriend? Since when?"
"Last year."
"So? Just broke up with her."
"I can't. I....love her."
I never once in my life thought I would love someone else other than Brian but him, the one I love the most said he love someone other than me.
The one I love the most cried begging me to let him go.
"How could you?!"
"I'm sorry. I know I'm a fool. But Jae, whenever I'm with her I forgot about you completely. I love her so much it's killing me..."
"Stop it, Bri."
"I don't want to lose you but I don't want to hurt you more either. I'm so sorry but please let me go. Stop making me feel guilty."
Huh, the audacity to ask me stop making him feel guilty.
"Go. Go with her. But I'm not going to sign the paper till the day I die. I swear I won't."
I saw his eyes, he's mad.
"I'm forever your husband and she's your forever mistress. I'm not going to let you be happy while I'm in all blue."
"Jae...please."
"Stop it, Brian. You're so disgusting."
"Jae, she's....... pregnant."
"Haa, what a mess. But I won't change my mind."
"Jae—"
"Shut up if you want me to keep this mess from our parents. You know what's in line, Brian."
He rumpled his hair in frustration.
"This might be the last time you heard me saying this word." My words makes him turn to me. I saw Brian's face, but it's no longer my lover's face. I engulfed my disappointment and uttered my last confession with my whole heart.
"I loved you, Brian."
It hurts.
It hurts in my chest and I start shedding tears quietly.
I saw Brian did the same.
After a few minutes he scoot closer to me, I have no choice other than to look at him.
"Jae, may I kiss you....for the last time?"
Should I?
"Why should we kiss? You crushed my hea—."
"Because I loved you too." Tears pooled and stream down from his eyes. I don't know why he's crying, and I don't know since when he pulled me for a kiss.
His lips is still soft.
He is too warm for this freezing night.
He kissed me slow, as slow as our love withered and gone in the wind.
Kissing our beautiful memories goodbye, kissing our last remainder of love away.
I felt his warm tears on my cheek, and he felt mine too.
He ended our kiss, stared into my eyes as our forehead touched each other.
"I loved you, Jae." He whispers.
Hours passed, tears are dried and silence hovering over us.
It's the coldest night, I swear.
Brian still sat there, I don't know what's on his mind. Maybe he's swearing at me in his mind.
Funny, the one I love the most is going to hate me because of the turmoil he made on his own.
Marriage is a commitment.
Indeed, we commit to love each other then get married and now we commit in silence to hate each other and stay married.
There's no words I need to say, and no words I want to hear.
My heart shattered in silence, my pride swallowed so bitter.
If I keep this silent will the scars get better?
It's dawn
And I'm alone
Wondering why love's gone
And why I can't be the only one
Tick
Tock
Tick
Tock
I stare at the wall, clock is ticking
What's the clock doing?
Oh, counting down the end of my love story.