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Khun was lying on his bed in the little time they actually had to rest. Everything was happening so quickly lately and he really felt all the stress was catching up with him. He tried to fall asleep, but his mind was going 100km/h and he couldn’t stop all the insecurities that decided to show up. He usually was too busy to think about all of that, but in quiet nights like that he was most vulnerable.
Not many people knew, but Khun often doubted himself a lot. Whenever his plan didn’t work out, or someone got even a bit hurt, he blamed himself, because he should have seen it coming, should have been prepared. But no matter how much he works on a plan it’s never enough. Someone always gets hurt, usually Bam. And it makes Khun’s insides twist.
Bam getting hurt, all bloody reminds Khun of the 7 years he believed that the boy was dead. 7 years of the images of Bam’s mangled body lying somewhere on the bottom of the test area, that his brain created, and Khun just can’t. He just can’t bear it!
He suddenly feels nauseous, but not enough yet to throw up. Curling into a ball he remembers Yuri’s guide Evan saying how after some time, they won’t be able to keep up with Bam. HE won’t be able to keep up, to stay by his side.
He’s going to leave you one day.
He heard it so many times, and each time he only smiled and said
“I know”
Even if deep inside, he wanted to scream at their faces saying that, no it’s not true! Bam wouldn’t leave him. Bam wouldn’t…
He inhaled sharply, trying to calm his rushing mind.
“You’re being stupid” he whispered, scolding himself. There was no time to doubt himself.
And yet, he couldn’t stop the thoughts anymore.
He knew he would just bury himself deeper and deeper in self doubt and anxiety, but it was too late. Too late to just forget and fall asleep. Too late to not consider it, because it was all true after all. He was good for nothing, only risking everyone's lives with his half assed strategies. They don’t need him, they can manage without him. Bam will manage without him.
Bam was so strong now, he made new friends, allies. He could do it all by himself, why was Khun even needed?
He wasn’t.
They don’t need you.
Bam doesn't need you.
No one needs a traitor like you.
You only plan behind others' backs.
You didn’t even tell Bam about getting White’s power back.
He was disappointed.
Disappointed.
He won’t need you anymore.
Khun suddenly couldn’t breathe. Panic rising making his stomach twist, lungs pierced with sharp pain from not being able to get enough oxygen, his vision blurred.
He tried taking breaths, trying to calm himself, because he can't be weak like this! He can’t…
He wasn’t sure how much time passed until he could breathe again.
10 minutes?
An hour?
Khun curled into himself, hugging a pillow to his chest. Immediately after he was done panicking tears welled up to his eyes. He was so pathetic.
A choked sob escaped his lips and he buried his face in the pillow, suffocating suddenly didn’t sound like a bad idea.
It hurt.
Everything hurt.
Why?
Why was he like that?
He was Khun Aguero Agnis.
He survived a bomb going off near his heart for fucks sake!
He...maybe if he didn’t survive Rachels attack...if she was successful...maybe it would have been better?
As if on cue with the worst thoughts, someone knocked on his door, making him literally jump.
Who-
“Khun? Are you asleep already?” Bam asked softly, the door cracked open just slightly and he looked inside.
Khun sat up, really glad for the overwhelming darkness in the room. What would Bam think if he saw his state now? He tried to compose himself just enough to speak “Ba-am” his voice broke.
Damn it.
Bam raised his eyebrows “Khun? Are you okay?” He opened the door just enough to come inside and closed them behind.
Khun took a shaky breath, yet again trying to compose himself “O-of course I’m fine. I was just falling asleep s..o that’s why my voice it weird” it was such a stupid explanation, no one would believe it.
Pathetic.
The voice in the back of his head didn’t stop whispering. He inhaled sharply, instantly bringing his hand to his mouth.
No.
No no no don’t.
Don’t break in front of Bam.
No.
Please.
Please no.
Stop.
Stop.
“-un! Khun!” Bam grabbed his shoulders, making Khun violently flinch and look up.
Bam looked at him with his big, worried, gold eyes and Khun just couldn’t stand it anymore.
Everything was too much.
He hated himself for being so vulnerable, so weak.
And suddenly he was embraced by Bam, his arms strongly pulling him to his chest. He was mimicking how Khun hugged him after the fight for the first wall in the Nest.
He was so warm and safe. It grounded him. Made his thoughts halt, even if just for a little bit. Maybe for a second everything was okay. Maybe he was okay. He didn’t cry, but the tears fell from his eyes involuntarily.
“Khun?” Bams voice was quiet, as if he was scared of raising if to not scare Khun away like a wild animal. His hand was on Khun’s back, making a consistent motion for his best attempts to comfort his friend.
Khun hummed, not trusting his voice yet, but showing that he is listening.
“What’s wrong?” he asked, his other hand playing with the little hairs on the nape of Khun’s neck, sending shivers down his spine.
Khun wondered if he was aware of what he was doing.
“I’ve never seen you so distressed..”there was sadness in Bam’s voice, and Khun mentally cursed himself for being the reason for it.
“It’s just...stress” well it wasn’t really wrong-
“Don’t lie, please”
Ah.
Khun took a breath and softly pushed Bam away from him, breaking the hug. He didn’t look up at him because he knew that the honest honey gold eyes would be the end of him.
“Bam...why do you keep me with you?”
“Wha-”
“I’m just a regular that you met on the test floor, I might be a Khun, but honestly, there are so many powerful people with you right now, am I really...needed anymore?” the last words hardly passed through his throat.
It hurt to think that.
Why was he even telling this to Bam?
He was only a burden now.
Bam had other things to worry about.
“Khun what are you talking about?” Bam was confused, because how could his friend think that of himself? “Of course I need you, we promised to climb the tower together didn’t we?”
“Is it still relevant?” Khun felt empty speaking. He was drained from emotions all of the sudden and he wasn’t sure why.
Was it so easy to drown in self pity?
“Of course it’s relevant!” Bam suddenly raised his voice, making Khun snap his head up to look at him. “That’s the most important thing! I want to climb this tower with you and everyone else! I don’t care about being a god or anything like that, you of all people should know it best. I only wanted to get stronger to be able to protect you all”
Khun looked down “But-”
“No buts!” Bam grabbed his shoulders, getting his full attention again “Khun you helped me so much through all of this, you were the first one to reach their hand to me in this tower, you stayed by my side and almost got...killed because of me...but you’re still here, and I’m so happy that you are.” Bam was pouring all of his honest feelings out ,it was visible in his eyes “I love all my friends, but if anything ever happened to you…”his grip tighten on Khun’s shoulders and he yet again brought him closer and embraced “I will never forgive Rachel for what she did to you”
That was the last straw for Khun and he broke up softly crying into Bam’s shirt. Bam really cared for him enough to start hating Rachel.
Rachel.
And Khun knew that his self hate won’t just disappear, but he finally felt at least a bit in peace.
After a while the exhaustion caught up to him and Khun fell asleep.
And if anyone found them next morning, lying cuddled up in Khun’s bed, it was none of their business.