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The closing of the eyes was an experience that couldn’t be described in a full rounded way , Beck had decided .
Laying there, the silence enveloping him, he had argued with himself.
At first he had argued that everything must be able to be described. He was an aspiring actor after all. His constant goal was to ever pursue the raw connection between him and audience unseen through the tie that ultimately connects all humans alike. Emotion.
He was ever pushing himself to its deeper depths. As one might empathize with another.
Everything could be described, he had thought.
Yet how could one describe the comfort associated with feeling you could close your eyes? That sudden burst of transparent color puncturing through your skin as you release the tension of a day?
One closes their eyes and the world has a heartbeat.
One closes their eyes and suddenly air has a distinct feeling.
One closes their eyes and their tongue becomes rougher, filling their mouth more than they had previously recognized.
That was describing closing one’s eyes, right? Beck had argued.
Yet all of it were just segments of closing one’s eyes. He had thought of first learning to play catch with his dad in his backyard. Sure, the feeling of cool, prickly silken grass beneath your feet was a figment of its description. But it didn’t truly describe it.
It described a setting. Yet not the exhilaration of hearing your dad call out ‘way to go’ when you feel the ball in your oversized mitt. It couldn’t describe the way you somehow had so much more force to your arm when you were propelling the ball toward a proud face than when there was nothing to throw it to. It couldn’t describe the way your dad’s hand tussling your hair was felt all the way in the base of your spine, encouraging you to walk into the house a different kid than you had exited it.
Closing one’s eyes was the same.
One could describe the setting, but how could you describe that innate sense of...what?
“I have a question,”
Beck was torn from his thoughts, seemingly useless the more they plagued him, and opened his eyes again, grimacing at the way they stuck a little, reluctant to be torn from the embrace his eyelids were sharing prior to Jade’s declaration.
Her head was still on his chest, rising and falling with each intake of his breath, and her words slightly muffled by the way she clutched his shirt around her face, leaving his stomach exposed to swarming air that taunted his skin with goosebumps.
“And what’s your question?”
Jade sat up and shifted herself to place her chin on her hands, looking at him with eyes much more wide with wonder than his own sleepy ones.
She watched him for a few moments, her eyes dancing against the landscape of his face and neck. His throat crashed like a wave against the cliffside of his jaw when he swallowed.
It was one of Jade’s favourite things to do. She would spend hours just studying the way he moved in all situations.
Her favourite was how his left side always smiled quicker than his right so that, for only a fraction of time, indistinguishable to most, he held a half smile. Then he would lean forward, as he often did moments before he was about to laugh, as if he needed to prepare himself for the joy he wanted to sing.
He always was a shy singer.
Jade shelved her thoughts of his laugh when his eyebrows sank closer to his eyes in concern and confusion. She swallowed and nibbled at her bottom lip.
“If the world was ending, you’d come over, right?”
Beck blinked and sat up onto his elbows. He opened his mouth to answer, but faltered.
“You know what? Forget it. Dumb question.”
Jade turned to sit cross-legged, her back to Beck as she picked at her nail.
“No, no-Jade, no!” stammered Beck, running a hand through his loose hair and sighing, “Umm so the question was: if the world had ended-”
“ Was ending,” corrected Jade, pointing a finger in the air matter of factly, “Tense is incomparably important in these types of situations.”
Jade dropped her voice to a quiet murmur, her nail becoming increasingly interesting as Beck drew a circle on her back with his pointer finger.
“Not that it matters ‘cause we’re just gonna forget it and it was a dumb question.”
“So if the world was ending,” continued Beck, ignoring Jade’s sigh of annoyance, “you want to know if I would come over? Like to your house?”
“No, to the clown shop,” drawled Jade quietly, beginning to regret having even asked the question and Beck sighed.
“I mean...give me more context,”
Jade growled, turning her head to glare at him from the side.
“You know, it’s bad enough that you feel the need to continue the conversation that I distinctly remember saying we should forget, but don’t make me continue it,”
“No, no,” argued Beck, poking at her side and earning a set of scissors-their previous location unknown to him-pointed at his face.
He remained unphased.
“Context is also incomparably important! How are we defining the end of the world? Like are we declaring ‘doomsday’ by the Niburu Theory wherein the alien Anunnaki race ultimately decimates our own significantly inferior race? Or are we thinking that it will be less about World War Three and more along the concept of the Large Hadron Collider located in Switzerland recreating the Big Bang thus leading to black holes sucking us into a timeless, weightless void wherein we cease to exist? Then again, others predict that the Sun, due to helium burning, will expand-in a similar fashion as other ‘red giants’ described-and consume Mercury and Venus and potentially Earth. Though, even if consumption does not occur, the expansion of the Sun will push it too close and burn us to a crisp. Is that the grounds we are speaking on? Or are you more of a realist and just believe that we’re living in unsustainable conditions and the world-slowly pushing it’s population into the trillions-will eventually dry up on resources? Or are we speaking in more religious terms and thus all that is stated in Revelation will occur and we’ll enter into the reign of the Antichrist and Armageddon? Hell will be opened and-”
“Are you done?” interrupted Jade, her glare conveying her annoyance and the scissors pointed at Beck’s throat having long abandoned their threatening position in her boredom.
“Well, I’m just saying that it’s impor-”
“The better question is: how the hell do you know all these theories? What exactly do you do with your time when I’m not around to spice up your life?”
Beck scoffed, rubbing at his eyes tiredly.
“What else do you think the boys and I do when we hang? Paint our nails and tell bedtime stories wherein princesses get run over by buses and bunnies stepped on by elephants?”
Beck grinned wide, his cheeks puffing over his eyes in his pleasure, and ignored Jade’s continuous glare to instead chuckle at his own joke, often thinking himself rather clever.
“I am not giving you the joy of responding to that,” huffed Jade, crossing her arms, “but in my defense if a bunny got stepped on by an elephant it really wouldn’t be okay. Unless we’re defining flattened internal organs as okay.”
Beck snickered again, earning a swift punch to the stomach that forced him inward on himself until he curled around Jade.
“Hey, I look like a croissant,”
Jade rolled her eyes.
“I’m about to bake you into a croissa-”
“Have you picked a doomsday theory yet?” interjected Beck, “Context is just as important as tense. Give it some respect, Ja-de.”
“God, you’re just the fucking worst,” gasped Jade, trying to pretend her lips weren’t curling upward in the way he could always get them to do, “What would you pick?”
Beck hiccuped and stretched, curling himself tighter around Jade’s seated form.
“Well that’s tough for me to answer because I was technically raised Catholic but I’m also such a realist I put Horatio out of business. So-”
“Whoa, who the fuck is Horatio?”
“What do you mean ‘who the fuck is Horatio’? You were in that class with me! CLS? Classic Literature Studies?”
“I think it’s so cute that you think I actually paid attention in that class,” snickered Jade, snipping at the end of her hair nonchalantly, ignorant to the small snippets littering Beck’s arm and floor, “For me, CLS stood for Classic Nap Time.”
“That doesn’t even work in an acr-”
Jade pointed her scissors at Beck again and he smiled sheepishly.
“I mean-that works perfectly in an acronym. Why didn’t I think of that?”
“Aww babe,” cooed Jade, tapping his nose with her scissors, “You didn’t think of that ‘cause I’m the smart and intimidating one and you’re the dumb and pretty one! It’s a perfect match. Like Yzma and Kronk from that movie you love-uh, The Emperor’s New Groove! And everyone loves Kronk just like we all love you!”
Jade leaned down to bring her lips to his and smirked when she felt him pout into the kiss.
“But what if I wanna be the smart and intimidating one?”
“Shoulda thought of that before you grew this mop of hair and perfected that cute, passive little smile you always flash to all the girls who constantly swarm you every time you so much as twitch ,”
Jade gritted her teeth together, snipping at her hair with more fervour as Beck continued to pout.
“I don’t do that,” he murmured, lying his head gently on her leg.
“ I don’t do that ,” mocked Jade, continuing to snip at her hair, “Yeah and I’m gonna marry Sinjin,”
“I thought you didn’t believe in the sacrament of matrimony,”
“ I thought you didn’t -oh wait, I actually don’t,” laughed Jade, interrupting her own mockery and swinging her scissors around her finger as she thought, “It’s dumb as shit, Beck.”
“Yeah, you’ve already said why-”
“I mean, what? Some paper gets to define me? Why does that even matter? Marriages are for the miscreants of the world like Tori-god, she’s the worst. I mean, it’s such a pain in everyone’s ass and all you get is a paper and a shit ton of stereotypes! I’m not just gonna be someone’s-”
“Wifey, yes I’m already aware, Jade,”
“Shh, don’t interrupt me when I’m talking, love,” huffed Jade, placing a gentle finger on his lips, “It’s just money and stress for nothing but problems! Not to mention, when they ultimately fall out of love with me, the divorce is gonna be such a pain in my ass! So if you just don’t get married, you can just cut your losses and it’s all sunshine and roses. Nothing is to be shared.”
Beck sighed and rubbed at his eye again, unwilling to sift through everything Jade had just shared.
“How did we even get here?” he mumbled, and Jade turned her attention away from her hair to love on Beck’s, snipping gently at its ends.
“Well I asked you about the doomsday theory you thought most probable and then I asked who the fuck Horatio was and then-”
“Oh yeah! Horatio is from Hamlet, Jade! And his like...number one defining trait is that he’s a realist. His role is to be ‘the man Hamlet wishes he could be’ because he is a man of intelligence and yet his intelligence never bleeds into abstract creativity that skews one's perception of the world. How do you-”
“What did he look like in the film?” asked Jade, running her hand through Beck’s hair, “I didn’t read the book-”
“Play,”
“ Fuck , whatever!” cursed Jade, rolling her eyes, “But like what did he look like?”
“You mean who was his actor?”
Jade rolled her eyes again.
“ Sure, Beck,”
“Well since we watched the 1990 version of Hamlet, Mel Gibson played Hamlet himself, Glenn Close-the goddess that she is-played Queen Gertrude, Helena Bonham Carter played Ophelia-”
“Why are you like this?” snapped Jade, waving her scissors again, “Like we know that film is your passion! I don’t care about Mel Carter and Glenn Gibson!”
Beck dropped his jaw in mock offense and Jade cracked a smile before glaring again.
“Who played Hor-”
“Stephen Dillane,”
“Yeah so I still don’t know him because who the hell would know the actors from a ‘90s version of Hamlet and I just overall wasted our time,” snickered Jade mischievously, squawking when Beck poked her.
“So...doomsday theory. Pick.”
“That’s such bullshit , Beck, to tell me to just pick a doomsday theory when you've legit given me no information and none are based on any semblance of fact except maybe one!”
“Fine then,” he huffed, “What were you imagining when you first posed the question?”
Jade remained silent for a few moments before murmuring.
“I wasn’t-it wasn’t-well, I just-I didn’t want to have the conversation!”
“No,” sang Beck, curling in tighter to place a kiss to her hip, “You did and then I hesitated so that I could accurately evaluate the question and I made you feel insecure for asking so now you don’t want to have the conversation ‘cause you’re afraid of what the conversation could lead to or other such implications that lie therein.”
Jade scowled at Beck’s innocent face, his smile as welcoming a place as it had been when he had first wiggled his way behind her sharp armor and curled up in her heart, much as he was currently positioned.
Then he had yawned and decided her heart was his new home, a warm place to hibernate for all time. Jade was certain he was the worst, albeit the only human capable of such a feat.
“Shut up,” chastened Jade, “I’m not afraid to use my scissors on you!”
“And I’m not afraid of your lack of fear to use your scissors on me,” countered Beck, his face still open and vulnerable.
It made Jade hesitate.
It would be so easy. He made it so easy. If it was anyone else, she would’ve already dropped an insult so destructive, it would’ve blown a hole so large in their heart they’d never be able to look at her, let alone forgive her.
If anyone else gave her a face of such transparent trust, she would manipulate the situation so she could use the parts of their broken heart to further reinforce her own. That’s how she rolled.
He made it so easy. Yet so goddamn hard.
He looked up at her like she had hung his moon and added the stars as an extra gift and every time she opened her mouth to punch, kick, stab, and then punch a second time at every single one of his deepest insecurities, she somehow couldn’t do it.
It was easy with Tori. Jade would tear a hole in her even when she was pulling her best bitch face, which Jade would admit was pretty good, and would succeed every time.
Then there was Beck.
Her greatest anomaly.
“Fine, I’ll bite,” conceded Jade, “but only because it’s you,”
Beck grinned again, taking a single curl and tossing it back over her shoulder.
“What I imagined when I asked was-”
“Beck, Jade cut-well, look who it is!”
Tori, unprompted and with timing worse than a broken clock, barged into Beck’s RV with anger that just might rival Jade’s. Her entrance made Jade scowl and Beck threw his head backward, looking at the upside Tori, her face reflecting Jade’s and her arms crossed.
“Two problems, Vega,” growled Jade, “never just walk in my boyfriend's room-house-RV-thing without fucking knocking. And secondly, don’t ever open your mouth.”
Beck sighed and rubbed his eyes, watching the kaleidoscope behind his eyelids grow and swirl.
“How am I supposed to talk if I can’t-”
“That would be the point,” sang Jade, swinging her scissors intimidatingly as Tori pursed her lips in annoyance.
“Well, I’m not even talking to you so,” huffed Tori, turning her gaze to Beck and smiling, “Aww, you look like a little croissant!”
Tori cupped her chin with her hands and Beck grinned, looking at Jade in satisfaction.
“Told you I looked like a croissant,”
“Fine,” growled Jade, punching his shoulder, “I’ll bake you both into croissants and then you can have adorable croissant babies! How does that fucking sound?”
Tori blushed, tucking a strand of hair behind her ear.
Beck knew what he should’ve said. He should’ve said something along the lines of ‘no, thank you’ but, as always, he said the wrong thing.
A common occurrence in his overall disaster of a life.
“Croissant babies could be...cool?”
Jade looked down on him in disdain while Tori blushed deeper. He definitely said the wrong thing.
Jade shoved him off of her, tightening her knees to tuck them underneath her chin.
“Tori, why are you here?” asked Beck, his words colder than he expected as he pushed himself up from the floor, walking over to his closet to grab a sweater and tossing it over his head.
He wasn’t cold. He just needed something to pretend to do.
“Oh, let me tell you! ” declared Tori, crossing her arms again and huffing, “It wasn’t until tonight that I saw Jade had cut a massive hole in my mask for my World Cultures Class!”
Beck breathed in deep.
“It was ugly,” mocked Jade with a snicker, “so I made it prettier!”
Jade flashed an insincere smile and Tori sucked in air, holding it captive in her lungs and biting her tongue.
“ Beck! ” she squealed, throwing her hand out in exasperation to Jade’s crouched form, “It’s due tomorrow and it has a massive hole in it!”
Beck shrugged, running a hand through his hair.
“I’m confused as to what you would like me to do?”
“Make her fix it!”
Jade snorted, snipping at Beck’s backpack with her scissors.
“Look, Tori, I-”
“You’re the only one who can make her fix it! You know you’re the only one and I won’t be able to finish it all by myself! Not in time for first period tomorrow!”
Beck sighed and widened his eyes in exasperation.
“In case you can’t tell, she’s a little mad at me right now!”
“She’s always mad!” countered Tori, popping her hip out and scowling at the way Jade was mutilating Beck’s third backpack of the semester, the rest already snipped to shreds, “So…”
“Fine!” growled Beck, raising his hands in surrender and stepping closer to Jade, “Jade, can-”
“No”
Beck looked back to Tori as if to further emphasize his point.
“You gave it one try,”
“Can’t I just help you finish it?” offered Beck, rubbing at his temples as if he had suddenly morphed into a middle aged man in the few moments since Tori had entered.
“You-you would help me finish it?” gushed Tori, twirling her hair and looking up at him.
He remained unamused.
“I thought you said you couldn’t finish it on your own,” said Beck, placing his hands on his hips.
“I can’t!” stammered Tori, obviously flustered, “I just-it doesn’t have to be your responsibility,”
Beck shrugged and smiled.
“I’d rather let Jade be allowed to be herself and fix a world’s culture mask than ask her to change,” murmured Beck and Jade stopped snipping the loose strings she had created on his backpack.
“That’s really-”
“Right, so are we going?” interrupted Beck, pulling at the front of his sweater in his discomfort and snatching his keys from where they had been thrown carelessly on his bed. Jade shot into a standing position.
“Wait!”
Tori scowled and Beck turned, running a hand through his hair and raising his eyebrows expectantly.
“I want to fix the mask,”
Tori scoffed, throwing her gaze over her shoulder in annoyance.
“Jade, I think you’ve-”
“Hey, bitch,” growled Jade, snatching one of Beck’s shirts and swinging it around her to slide her arms into it, “You requested I fucking fix it and you two idiots are just gonna make it uglier than it originally was and I’ll have to cut a larger hole. So might as well do it myself so I know it won’t look like all the other shit Beck makes.”
Tori dropped her jaw, gaping at Jade. Beck just smiled.
“Well,” snarled Jade, flipping her curls over her shoulder and popping her hip outward, “are you going to lead the way, Vega, or are you gonna let me walk you into the country to bury you alive while I listen to your screams six feet beneath the earth?”
Tori paled and gulped, stepping closer to Beck.
“No, no. I think I’ll umm lead,” chuckled Tori nervously, dropping her voice to whisper, “God, help me”
Jade strutted forward, glaring at Tori when she shuffled out of the door, and refused to meet Beck’s bright eyes.
“Bye, fucker,” scoffed Jade, tossing her chin high before Beck grabbed her arm gently, waiting for her to look at him.
She turned with an icy glare.
“I would,”
She scrunched her face to make him feel stupid. It was her classic default on Beck. He cared so much what people thought of him. It disgusted Jade.
“You would what? Fuck everything that twitches including a goddamn croissant?”
Hurt flashed across his eyes before he recalibrated, his mouth turning upwards in a shy smile while he rubbed the back of his neck.
Jade hated when he did that. It was his classic default on her. It made her feel...squeamish.
Lane had claimed it was her conscience expressing guilt with a mix of regret. All it had shown her was she didn’t like psychology.
“Uh, no. I would uh hope not,”
Jade shot another icy glare.
“I meant umm…” he stammered, and Jade eased up on her glare when he was so flustered. He was normally so relaxed about everything. He believed that something was only a big deal if you made it one and he rarely made it one.
Tori wandered back, confused as to why Jade wasn’t following.
Beck closed his eyes and inhaled as if reminding himself it was just Jade.
“I would come. If the world was ending I mean,” he murmured, opening his eyes and settling them-with certainty Jade would never be able to understand from him-on Jade’s shocked face, “I would always come”
“Huh?” asked Tori, her face scrunched in confusion and Jade scowled at her.
“Hey, rule number two was that you wouldn’t open your mouth!”
Tori huffed, looking to Beck for support and scowling when he just smiled and looked at his sneakers.
“Look, can we fucking go?” drawled Jade, gesturing for Tori to walk again.
Tori just raised her hands mockingly before turning and shuffling away while Jade stomped to the pavement, turning to face Beck leaning against the doorway.
“Wrong choice, Oliver,” she murmured, “You’d miss me. I wouldn’t be at my house,”
Beck’s brow furrowed.
“I’d be coming for you too,”
Jade turned, flashing Tori her middle finger when Tori complained about the time they were wasting, and Beck grinned, rubbing at the back of his neck.
And for Jade?
Well that’s the closest she’d ever come to saying she loved him. And she meant it.
If the world was ending, crashing down around her in every way mankind could waste their time predicting, she would find him and she would hold him and nothing-not even the greatest alien race hypothetically out there-would tear him from her arms.
And for Beck?
He wouldn’t have to describe closing one’s eyes. Jade already did it for him.
His safety in no man’s land.
His home.
His closed eyes.