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He woke up in an empty bed again, and the space next to him was cold, meaning the other male had been up for few hours. The younger squinted his eyes, L.E.D clock on his nightstand showed that it was only six in the morning. It had been his routine lately, waking up alone and doing everything alone until he comes home from whatever he’s doing out there. Work and university seemed to stress the older male but there was nothing he could do to lessen the amount of burden weighing on his friend’s shoulder.
Friend? Xiaojun wasn’t even sure who they are, just two single males who lives together in an apartment. He didn’t know how they started living together, for sure, it just suddenly Xiaojun started spending more time in Kun’s apartment ever since he found out about the elder’s poor lifestyle and decided to help taking care of him while continuing his study.
They met at Li Yongqin’s party, one of the most popular dance captain with huge mansion. If it wasn’t Hendery who dragged him forcefully, Xiaojun would have stuck alone at their dorm rewatching anime movies while secretly snacking on Hendery’s butter popcorn. Xiaojun is not a party person, in fact, he cherished his alone time very much.
Apparently, Yongqin has the best booze and Xiaojun did not remember how many shot he had until he passed out in the arms of a beautiful stranger.
He woke up in a room that wasn’t his.
In this situation, normally Xiaojun would freak out but the strong arms wrapped around his tiny waist somehow allowed him to relax a little. He shifted his position a little; trying to get a look of the stranger he slept with. He has pale skin with a hint of rosy red on his cheeks and the tip of his nose. His lips are full, a little chapped with pinkish hue and he looked so peaceful while sleeping. It didn’t last long, though, because apparently the stranger’s eyelashes fluttered open.
“Good morning, want some breakfast?” he asked, the corners of his lips pulled upward accompanied with dimples on his cheeks.
They ended up sleeping with each other more than Xiaojun had expected. Coming to Kun’s apartment became a regular thing, and Kun didn’t seem to mind additional person in his lonely apartment. Sometimes they don’t have sex and go straight to cuddling because they enjoy each other’s presence. Kun even gave him the password to his apartment, just in case the older male is too sleepy to notice the ringing bell.
Kun’s apartment is huge, too huge for a single man to live alone. His parents bought him the apartment ever since he decided to study in Korea and they did not want him to live in a cramped university dorm. Despite having rich parents, Kun insisted on working to pay his own tuition and that’s something Xiaojun had always adore about him.
Getting used to the older’s routine was easy, Xiaojun knew Kun always wake up early and got home around 9 pm from work. He always chose evening class because he has work in the morning as a part of producing team. Kun himself is a music student just like Xiaojun, that’s why it was easy for Xiaojun to talk about his passion. Talking with Kun had always been easy.
“I think I like you,” Xiaojun whispered one day after few weeks of living together with Kun. The older male smiled and took Xiaojun’s palm in his.
“In what way?” he asked.
The younger male furrowed his brows, how could he not get it? Did he think that Xiaojun likes him in any other way but romantically? But before Xiaojun could stop himself, he leaned closer to press his lips against Kun’s cheek to let the older know how he feels.
“More than a friend should, more than a brother should.”
Kun smiled, but it wasn’t a happy smile, and Xiaojun could feel his heart clench.
“Xiaojun, listen to me, you’re a wonderful and lovely person, everyone would have fallen for your amazing personality,” he took a deep breath, while squeezing Xiaojun’s palm lightly. Xiaojun could feel tears threatening to fall from his eyes, but he tried his best to hold them.
“You might hate me and you’d probably walk away from me, I like you a lot and I cherish you a lot. But I’m sorry, I don’t like you that way. I’m a mess, Xiaojun. I wouldn’t avoid getting into a relationship for two years if I wasn’t a mess. You shouldn’t have feelings for someone who is a mess.” Kun smiled, dimples showing on his cheeks.
He felt himself shrunk in his seat, eyes already blurry with tears. But Xiaojun couldn’t be selfish and instead of letting his tears fall, he took a deep breath and looked up at the older male with a smile. “It’s fine, I’m just trying to release the burden in my chest, let’s pretend nothing happened, okay? I’ll try to get over you.”
Nothing changed significantly after Xiaojun’s confession, they still cuddle and spend their time together. Except that Xiaojun’s heart stings a little every time they watch romantic movies together. He wouldn’t lie, he wished they could be one of those couples on the street and dramas, it was somewhat his fault for not walking away the moment Kun rejected him for the first time.
“Maybe one day he would change his mind, you know?” Xiaojun spoke while holding his coffee mug.
Hendery shook his head. “Xiaojun, when someone said they don’t want to commit, you better believe them. You’re only hurting yourself by staying here.”
He stared at his reflection on the inside of the mug. “But he makes me happy.”
Xiaojun began craving more. And this time, he craves for more kisses.
Every time they sleep together, he would avoid kissing him on the lips. He always kissed Xiaojun on his forehead, cheeks, nose, or neck, but never on the lips. Xiaojun sometimes wondered how would it feel to kiss that lips, and he couldn’t stop staring whenever he saw the older male sipping on his coffee and licked his upper lip afterwards.
“You look delicious, sometimes I want to taste your lips,” Xiaojun said in the middle of dinner and that took Kun by surprise. “Will you ever kiss me, gege?” he asked, earning a chuckle from the older.
“I only kiss my lover.”
Xiaojun thought he’d be fine, staying together like this. As long as they have each other, they’d be fine, right?
Kun gets clingier day by day, and he hugs Xiaojun a little tighter every time there’s a chance. Those little things made Xiaojun a little happier, and sometimes he forgot of their undefined status. Who needs label, he thought, when you could be happy just like this. But things aren’t that simple.
They were lying side by side, sweaty and naked. Xiaojun could feel the euphoria subsiding and this is usually where awkwardness kicks in. But somehow tonight he felt loved and taken care of, especially the way Kun had his arms around his waist to pull him closer.
“Are you okay with us being like this forever?” Kun suddenly asked out of nowhere.
Is he okay? Will he be okay? Xiaojun bit his lower lip, few months ago the old him would have immediately said yes, but why couldn’t he find his voice?
He wasn’t okay. He wouldn’t be okay staying in the grey lines. They’re always somewhere between fuckbuddy and more, but the selfish part of Xiaojun still wished things would change in the future.
“I’m not sure, I don’t know the answer to that question,” he replied softly.
“I don’t want you to get hurt.” Another warning blared in his thoughts.
“I will walk away when it gets too much.”
Kun shifted their position to make it easier for him to look at the younger’s eyes.
“You are not having one sided love.”
Xiaojun’s eyes widened at the confession.
“I don’t want you to walk away because you think you’re having one sided love. No, you are not. I wouldn’t go this far if you’re having one sided love, Xiaojun.” Kun pressed their foreheads together, and Xiaojun wanted to cry at that moment. “But I’m sorry we can’t be a thing.”
They won’t be a thing, yes. Xiaojun got so comfortable with their situation he forgot that they’re nobody. He shouldn’t get hurt, it was his choice to stay with him. He wasn’t supposed to get hurt.
Xiaojun chuckled. “You really gotta break my heart after we had sex, huh?” he smiled.
“I’ll give you my heart and you can break it in return.”
“I can’t possibly do that.”
“I’m sorry.”
“Will sorry do anything, though?”
“Don’t cry, please,” Kun whispered, his thumbs trying to wipe away the tears that were already staining Xiaojun’s cheeks. Feeling bold, Xiaojun cupped Kun’s cheeks in his palm while staring into his eyes. “Can I be selfish for once, Kun-ge?”
Kun nodded. “Yes you can, Xiaojun.”
Xiaojun pressed their lips together. Kun’s lips were soft and sweet, though it was a little salty from Xiaojun’s tears. As he pulled away, he felt Kun smiling. “It’s already late, we should sleep. Can I hug you?” he asked.
But Xiaojun couldn’t do it this time. “No, I’m sorry.” He shook his head while wiping his tears away. Kun leaned closer, pecking Xiaojun’s lips in a brief kiss. “I’ll give you some time alone, alright?”
Hendery was right all along, why didn’t he believe him in the first place?
The next day, he couldn’t bring himself to face Kun normally. He started avoiding Kun’s touches, stopped giving hugs or even greeting him. He was too hurt to talk to Kun.
“Xiaojun, hey. Are you okay?” Kun asked after a week of awkward silence. “I’m sorry, did I do anything wrong?”
No, you didn’t do anything wrong, I did. Xiaojun sighed and shook his head, opting to turn off the TV.
“Is it about last week? I’m sorry about that.”
The younger male finally broke into tears. “It was my fault for catching feelings, I’m sorry. I ruined everything. What should I do, gege? It’s hurting me.” he cried out as he let himself fall into Kun’s embrace.
Xiaojun finally finished packing all of his things after he decided to move back and live with Hendery in their shared room again. He looked around the apartment, trying to commit how it looks into his memory. Kun wasn’t around, and he thought it would be easier to leave without notifying him beforehand. After blocking Kun’s contact, he closed the door and walked towards Hendery’s waiting car.
“Is that what you really want, gege?”Xiaojun asked after he finally calmed down.“No, I don’t want that. But you shouldn’t be with me, Xiaojun. I’ll keep hurting you.” He said, kissing the crown of Xiaojun’s head.
“Please walk away from me and never look back.”
“It’s been few days since you got here and you’re still crying.” Yangyang, one of his bestfriend decided to pay him a visit after hearing the news that he’s coming back.
“Shut up, this is my coping mechanism!” Xiaojun yelled, taking another sheet of tissue from the tissue box handed by Hendery. “Hendery was right, I should have left him ages ago. He didn’t even call me!” he whined, blowing his nose once more.
“But Xiaojun you blocked his number—” Hendery’s complain stopped when suddenly they heard a knock on their door. Yangyang got on his feet and rushed to open the door, and suddenly they’re greeted by someone they never expected to come.
Kun dressed neatly as always, but there’s something that caught Xiaojun’s eyes—he looked pale and he had dark circles on his eyes, as if he didn’t sleep for days.
“I want to see Xiao Dejun.”
“Yeah—he’s right there, do you need some time alone?” Hendery hesitantly asked. “No, don’t you dare leaving me alone.” Xiaojun gritted his teeth. He knew he was being childish right now, but he couldn’t bring himself to care.
“Yes, I would like to have a moment alone.”
Yangyang quickly scurried off while dragging Hendery with him, causing Xiaojun to grumble some cussing words in his mind. Kun closed the door behind him, making his way towards the younger male who was currently sitting on his bed. “Can we talk? Just for five minutes, please?”
“What do you want?”
Kun flinched at his voice, but tried to keep himself composed. “I want us to go back to the way we used to be.”
Xiaojun could feel his blood boil. “You’d tell me to walk away from you again.”
“No, Xiaojun, I won’t.”
“You’d push me away again.”
“I won’t, you should push me away instead.”
“What is it actually you want?” he gritted his teeth.
Kun seated himself on the edge of Xiaojun’s bed, hands reaching out to hold onto the younger's cold palm.
“I want to be with you until you’re done with me.”
***
They were cuddling on Kun's bed and the older male hugged Xiaojun a little tighter as if he was afraid of losing him.
"You better make me happy, you know. Hendery and Yangyang would beat you up if they ever see me cry again because of you," Xiaojun whispered while tucking his face against the older's neck.
"I'll try my best, Xiaojun." Kun smiled, kissing Xiaojun's forehead lovingly.