Chapter Text
Journal Entry 1. Time is 11:11 P.M.
Dear Stranger,
Hello. My name is… Well. That isn't important but you can call me a Drop Out Detective. I'm no one. Not anyone important or well known at least. I'm the discarded remains of what was a "friend". I'm no longer useful to those who've come in contact with me and the glue I've used to keep myself together is dry and cracked. I suppose a bit of background would be necessary yes? Though opening up to a stranger on the internet is both frightening and intriguing. We may never meet in our lifetimes but by the end of it all we'll have small pieces of each other. Please stay as long as you wish and know these logs aren't obligatory to read.. They're simply a way to mark my mind onto a piece of paper. I don't ask for a pity party, just someone to sit and listen. Even if I don't talk to anyone, it can leave my system.. Maybe you can learn from my mistakes, spot the red flags before it's too late.. Enjoy.
What I can tell you is I'm a fresh graduate, straight out of the Reserve Course. I'm 18 years old and have a fascination with detectives and murder. My favorite series is Danganronpa and sometimes I draw when I'm not working but it's nothing amazing. As of now, I spend my free time either scrolling through social media, sleeping the day away, or lying on my bed in silence.. Staring at the walls with ringing in my ears. Which is..Exactly what I'm doing now. I don't know what the purpose is to this but it felt like a waste of time to not record anything..To force my hand to do something productive and get my thoughts out instead of letting them eat me. Speaking of which- You're probably wondering why should anyone care? What's the story?
It's a meaningless story. A story of Guilt. Shame..Anger. A toxic cycle I'm stuck in that's consumed me for years, and an inability to regain closure. Writing every detail here would be frivolous as the space on this page is limited and I'm not sure where to start. What a pain..
I was never the most acknowledged friend in our group; I wasn't known for sexual jokes, having everyone's attention on them, being sympathetic and attractive, talking trash and indulging in drama 24/7,being strong about beliefs, or having a voice… I had none of that. I was the "backup friend" people went to when they had no one else to talk to. I wasn't invited to activities or plans.. Or projects. I kept telling myself it was normal because people need their space. Eventually, I found myself doing everything I could to stay with them because I didn't know who I was without them.. Even if I was the butt of the joke or shamed for things out of my control or unable to satisfy their needs, I wanted to stay because I cared too much. I stayed with them and did my best to help through the good and the bad. Isn't that hilarious? As humans we're wired to crave connection to people.. Form meaningful bonds and grow. And now I'm alone. Alone again. I hate it. It's like there's an emptiness in myself that can't be filled. I've tried to understand why they left me and to no avail. No one's ever going to truthfully answer to the question,"Am I being a bother? Am I annoying?" Of course, I'm not a saint either. That's bullshit..I've done my best to fix those past mistakes but can't help asking myself, "What did I do wrong? Was it something I said or did? Please let me fix it so I can make it up to you.. Please. I love you too much."
This isn't what I wanted. If I knew this is how things would end, I would've never gotten attached. All of my secrets, my feelings.. My struggles. I would've turned the other direction, run off, and kept my mouth shut. Unfortunately the past can't be changed. What's done is done…It's over isn't it? So why? Why does it hurt so much? No matter how many people I surround myself with online, I still feel dead.
I feel like I don't exist. Nothing is real. I'm stuck in a never ending dream I can't get out of… it's pathetic. So what's the point? If there's no meaning to a meaningless story, a meaningless person, a meaningless world? Excellent philosophical questions that I'll never be able to answer. Please. Don't take what you have for granted and tread carefully on who you trust, because you never know who'll stab you in the front.
To end on a lighter tone, I'm doing what I can to get out of this loop. If I can't find anything to continue, I guess I could ask what do you want me to jot down my thoughts about? It can range from anything from music to my favorite Danganronpa characters or what being a Reserve Course student was like? It's up to you if I don't beat you to a topic first. I'll be waiting..
P.S. It feels silly saying goodnight without knowing who I'm talking to..There are other places in the world after all. Regardless, this is the last place I have to read books so maybe there's a chance of bonding? Heh.. Take care.