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The seven boys live under a single roof, the dormitory that they consider their second home. Throughout their years of shared residency, this living space grew, allowing for more rooms, more beds, as well as more roommates. Roommates that they can’t see, but feel so strongly.
Fear. Pressure. Anxiety. To name a few.
On most days, these additional roommates stay in certain places at certain times of the day, like in the members’ bedrooms during sleepless nights. Other days, they follow the members around everywhere, from their beds, to the bathroom, to the dining area, and back to bed.
And on some days, their presence envelops the whole dormitory, like fire and its smoke that have spread out to every single room, the suffocating fumes filling everyone’s lungs, the blazing flames blinding everyone’s eyes, and the silent screams echoing loudly in everyone’s ears.
The dormitory is burning.
But usually, no one says a word, no one complains, no one asks, no one comments.
No one tries to put out the fire.
Because they already know that they can’t.
Today, they gather in a single room, Jeongguk’s room, the youngest yet the one chosen by luck to have the biggest bedroom all to himself.
Six of them occupy the bed while one of them sits on a chair for the desk.
The three youngest sit on one side, against the wall, with Jimin hugging his knees in the corner, Taehyung to his side, squeezing the pillow that was offered by his fellow ‘95 liner, and Jeongguk by the bottom edge of the bed, sitting cross-legged as his doe eyes stare off into space.
The three oldest sit on the other side, across the younger ones, with Yoongi resting his head on the pillow against the headboard, his lower limbs fully extended, Hoseok by his feet, leaning his own weight on his left hand, with one leg propped on the bed, and Seokjin facing his body forward, feet flat on the floor and hands in the pockets of his hoodie.
Namjoon, the center in terms of age and the center of the team, sits separate from the others, facing them with both hands tightly intertwined, eyes lowered, and eyebrows furrowed.
They are in close proximity to each other, but right now, not a single word or a single gesture is exchanged. Only the ticking clock that reads the minutes and seconds of the first hour after midnight speaks.
The room continues to burn, the choking feeling strong in their throat. The fire has grown so much recently, so much to the point that they can’t ignore it any longer.
Eventually, Namjoon breaks the silence and voices out.
“Should we…” Tension fills the air as Namjoon’s deep and nervous voice reaches everyone’s ears, turning their attention towards him. He hesitates, the rest wait. Six pairs of eyes never leave him during the quiet that feels like ages.
“Should we… disband?” Like the shot of a gun, the sound is loud and causes every person in the room to freeze.
The word weighs heavily on Namjoon’s tongue.
And the idea of it weighs heavily on everyone’s hearts.
None of them regret starting, but they don’t know if they can keep going.
Leaving hurts. Leaving classmates, leaving friends, leaving family, leaving their first home. But that's what they did, they did all that as part of reaching their dreams.
But they don’t want to bear the pain of leaving something again.
They can’t leave the group behind.
The idol group being a number lower than seven is something unthinkable, something unwanted. But this certain thought enters their mind— What if the idol group just disappears? Six, or five, or four, three, two, or even one can't be ‘BTS’ on their own if there won't be a ‘BTS’.
Maybe the group should just cease to exist.
The idea looks like it’ll hurt much less, less than leaving fewer than seven behind. The pain will be divided among the seven.
But deep inside, they know that’s not how it works. Pain, it grows. It doesn't divide, it multiplies.
Namjoon lets out a shaky sigh then lifts his head, his own eyes meeting with the others. “It’s been so many years. Happy but also long and difficult years of us being together, and throughout these, we’ve become closer. We've become a family, we’ve been together through thick and thin.”
Their bond definitely strengthened through everything they’ve experienced. Some call them best friends, some haters even call them fake because of how unreal their relationships seem to be, so full of unending love and support, but the title of family suits them the best. It almost seems as if they’ve known each other since being inside each of their mothers’ wombs, or possibly even before that.
“We love what we do. Our job is our passion and we’ve worked for years to get to where we are today.” He pauses and swallows the lump in his throat. “But at this point in our career, at this point in our life…” He trails off, playing the recent events in his mind.
Collapses and sicknesses due to the physical exhaustion.
Self-deprecation and fear due to the mental toll.
Hurtful words due to the emotional vulnerability.
“I can’t bear to watch us hurt each other and ourselves anymore.” His voice slightly cracks and the dam in his eyes almost breaks. “I don’t want what makes us feel so alive to be what kills us.”
His thoughts spill out.
“I just want to see you all happy.”
While leaving some thoughts unsaid.
I feel like I’m failing as a leader.
Tears well up for each of them, like their accumulated pains and frustrations, but some still hold it in while some let go.
“Perhaps.” Namjoon starts with a whisper. “That’s just how love is. It’s not only happy and good things. There’s also pain, there’s suffering. It exposes the wounds and the scars too. It shows everything.” He leans his head on the back of his seat as he tries to blink the tears away.
“That’s true…” Hoseok agrees. “I love performing, and because of that I only want to show the best sides of myself. I work extremely hard, we all do. We practice till our feet bleed, trying to perfect everything. We even extend practice hours sometimes, especially when nearing our comeback, to fix our mistakes until we achieve a flawless performance.” He looks down and rubs his arm. “I know that I can go overboard with my strictness and I’m sorry for that.”
Seokjin shifts closer to Hoseok who lets a few tears slide.
“We’re so tired, not only physically. But we can’t stop, not yet. And while we haven’t, I want to give it my all, always.” He lets out a deep sigh as more tears flow out, Seokjin right beside him rubbing his back comfortingly.
Those who held back can’t hold their tears any longer and so they set them free.
“I admit that I can be too harsh on myself.” Jimin sniffles and clears his throat. “Little mistakes that no one notices, I’m hung up on them for days, weeks, or even longer. No one can be perfect, I’m aware of that, but I feel the need to perfect every single thing.” He hugs himself closer and buries his face in his knees.
“We only had a few fans before, and I always wanted to show them my best too. Now, there’s so many of them. There’s so many that every now and then, I get so afraid, because I don’t—” Jimin pauses and bites on his lower lip.
“I don’t want to disappoint even a single one of them.” Taehyung holds his hand and he squeezes it in return.
“Sometimes, I wake up, and it dawns on me how big we’ve become. How there’s so many people who love us.” Seokjin’s lips curve up into a little smile that soon becomes a frown. “But there’s also so many that hate us. I try to not let it get to me but people can say really harsh things.”
Mean comments flash through their memories, comments from their pre-debut time, to when they debuted, to every single album release, and even during their breaks. It saddens them and causes stinging in their chests, but they know that they can’t please everyone.
“Of course, I’m happy that there are people who love us, love our music, love everything we do. But I can’t always pretend that I’m not affected. It’s so frustrating. We work so hard. We work so hard and yet—” Seokjin’s voice cracks as he covers his face. Hoseok, who he was comforting, is now returning the gesture, gently wrapping him in a side hug.
“The brighter the light, the darker the shadow… That’s the reality of the rise to fame, though none of us expected to be this big.” Yoongi comments as he wipes a few tears from his eyes. “I want to think that I’ll be happy as long as people enjoy our music, but it’s not as simple as that. We’ve reached the top, but we’re pressured to stay here and to go higher. We need to keep running, it doesn’t matter if we want to stop.” He picks on the skin of his fingers and lets out a sigh.
“We used to perform at small stages, with some seats unfilled. But now we’re filling stadiums completely to the brim. It’s scary. Thousands look at us and watch our every move. I can’t help but want to run away and hide. So, disbanding, I can’t disagree… but that doesn’t mean I want it. I don’t know.”
It’s not that they aren’t grateful, they’re far from that. They’re so thankful for everyone supporting them and cheering them on, especially the ones who’ve been with them from the beginning. It’s their goal to reach and touch the hearts of people, no matter who they are, no matter where they live, no matter their age, race, gender identity, they want to move them and be a source of at least a little bit of their happiness.
But large things can be terrifying and out of their control. Their fanbase is large, the effect the group has on others is large, their impact on the music industry is large.
But one of the largest things is the pressure. It’s even greater, it’s bigger. It makes them feel so small.
And with the passing of time, it continues to grow.
“Wow, we’ve really come so far…” Jeongguk utters breathily, followed by a sniffle. “I still remember when I first arrived, when I first saw Namjoon-hyung.” He smiles softly at the memory and causes the others to reminisce as well, the time when their youngest was more baby-faced than now.
“I’ve experienced a lot with you guys, like so many firsts. But the most memorable ones are our firsts as a group. Our first dorm room, our first fight, our first trip together. As artists, our first stage, our first concert, our first award. We’ve had so many firsts together and I remember them very well. But…” Jeongguk’s lips wobble, he breathes in and out to keep his composure. “I don’t want us to stop at firsts, I want to experience more with you all. The thought of us not being together hurts.” He rubs his eyes trying to stop the tears.
“But seeing the people I love suffering… It hurts even more.” Jeongguk starts sobbing and puts both of his hands on his face. Jimin and Hoseok move to his side and envelop their youngest in a tight hug, as their own tears flow out.
“It’s been difficult.” Taehyung speaks, his voice nasal. “But I want to hang on. I don’t want to— I can’t lose any of you. The six of you and ARMYs are the best presents I’ve ever received in my life, supporting me during tough times and making me smile. I’m so much happier now, though still, I understand, with everything we’ve been through… There’s the good things but also the not so good things...” Jimin rubs circles around his hand that’s firmly been holding onto him.
“Though I can’t— no matter how I think about it, I can’t.” Taehyung grits his teeth and tightly clutches onto the bed sheet.
“Should we really just end it here?” He looks around and meets the six pairs of pained eyes, silently pleading.
They're conflicted but it's been so hard. Oh so hard.
They spend the rest of the time talking, talking and talking. Words exchanged, hugs given, hands held. They release their emotions and let themselves be completely vulnerable, their thoughts and feelings flowing out.
Fears, insecurities, all the negatives, but also the things they love, the positives.
It’s been difficult. The years from pre-debut to debut and up to now, each year was difficult. But they know.
The morning will come again
Because no darkness or season
Can last forever
The fire in the dormitory dies down temporarily and the question of breaking the group apart continues to hang, unanswered.
And maybe for now, that’s for the best.
Fatigue washes over everyone after pouring out the contents of their hearts, the seven beating and aching hearts that hold so much love as well as so many wounds.
Heads are laid down, on the bed, a pillow, or someone else’s body part. Bodies relax and eyes flutter close. They slowly give in to the exhaustion.
Except for two whose eyes stay open.
“I’m sorry, hyung.”
“It's okay, Joon-ah.” Seokjin gently rubs his back, comforting one of his six beloved little brothers.
“I didn’t… I didn’t think I’d ever say it. It’s been in the back of my mind for a while now. But after tonight, I don’t know.” Guilt and frustration etch on his face as Namjoon buries his head in his own arms.
“None of us said it but I’m sure that…” He pauses and lets out a sigh. “It’s crossed all our minds. It definitely did for me.”
Namjoon slightly lifts his head and looks into the eyes of their eldest. Seokjin gives him a little smile.
“You should rest now, Joon-ah.”
You don’t always have to be tough, let us lead you as well.
Namjoon nods and relaxes his body, finally giving into the exhaustion that's been piling up these sleepless nights.
Seokjin sits still, head leaning on the side of the bed. The room is completely silent except for the soft breathing of the sleeping boys and the constant ticking of the clock on the wall.
He sighs and looks at the sleeping faces surrounding him. I need to take care of these kids.
A voice suddenly interrupts his train of thought. “You should really listen to yourself, Jin-hyung.”
He turns his head towards the voice. “Yoongi-yah… You’re still awake?”
“Yeah, so are you.” Yoongi slowly gets out of the bed, careful not to make a sound and disturb those in slumber, and sits beside Seokjin.
“Can't sleep?” Yoongi asks as he looks at Seokjin, who looks back at him then lowers his head.
“Namjoon has been overworking himself as our leader. I haven’t been working hard enough as the eldest.”
“You know that’s not true.” Seokjin doesn’t answer, he leans his head back on the edge of the bed. Yoongi spots the glisten in Seokjin’s eyes.
“How do you make tears go away, Yoongi-yah?” Seokjin asks in a serious tone with an unreadable expression on his face. Yoongi wishes he knew the answer to that.
After minutes of silence, Seokjin speaks. “You don’t know?” Yoongi notices the way Seokjin tries to make his voice sound more animated, more happy, as if there aren’t any tears threatening to spill.
“You file a resTEARning order!” Seokjin laughs, but it’s not the same. It’s not the same windshield laugh that everyone is so endeared by and is found to be funnier than the jokes themselves. Yoongi playfully rolls his eyes, pretending to not notice the waver in Seokjin’s voice.
“Hyung… Go to sleep.” Yoongi says, sounding more as a plea rather than a command or a request. “You can lean on me.” Seokjin rests his head on Yoongi’s shoulder, his body immediately giving in to the fatigue as his eyes close instantly. “I mean that figuratively too.”
Yoongi thinks Seokjin might’ve fallen asleep already.
Every now and then, when Yoongi is awake at dawn, he hears it. In his shared room with Seokjin, he hears faint sobbing.
"I know." Seokjin says quietly, Yoongi almost didn't catch it. "Thank you." The last syllable comes out as a breath and afterwards that's all Yoongi hears from Seokjin.
Breathing, softly.
Mixing, with the five other breaths and light snores in the room.
Soon enough, Yoongi also joins the sleeping ensemble.
The days when seven of us tried to sleep in one room
The faith we had before falling asleep that tomorrow would be different
They sleep soundly, bodies pressed against each other, limbs entangled as they squeeze themselves in one corner of the room.
Seven boys from different hometowns, different houses, and different families, but right now, they are here together in the same room.
Seven different beginnings, moving towards the same one future.
Kim Seokjin had never encountered the thought of going into the idol route as he finished his studies in acting. But through the persuasion of a BigHit representative, he landed on the idol path, where now he thinks no theatrical stage could make him happier than the concert stages where he sings and dances his heart out with his beloved bandmates.
Min Yoongi was also pulled into the path of an idol. He started out making beats to afford to beat the hunger he experienced due to the lack of support in his career choice. He wanted to be in a hip-hop group but ended up in an idol group of seven. He’s now one of the seven that’s looked up to by many.
Jung Hoseok just loves to dance. He shines when he dances but shines even brighter when he dances on stage. He auditioned in a big company but didn’t make it all the way through. But in BigHit, he made it, and became part of the group. Though once, he almost left. But ever since, not once did he think about leaving again.
Park Jimin too just loves to dance. A different style from his fellow dance machine, but moving to all kinds of beats sends electricity throughout his body all the same. His trainee days were short and he almost didn't make it with the group. But he did, and the days when he's felt the happiest have been the longest they’ve ever been.
Kim Taehyung went to the BigHit auditions, not to apply himself but to cheer for his friend one day. On that day, he caught a staff member’s eye. That single day gave him thousands upon thousands of people who now cheer for him, as well as the six people who have been accompanying him for years of his life, and hopefully also for the years to come.
Jeon Jeongguk is a treasure, he was hunted by multiple companies to be a trainee under their rule. He chose to follow his heart, his heart that fell in love with his current leader’s rap. He signed under BigHit, where he’s now treasured by six brothers and ARMYs all around the world, who he also treasures, just as much and possibly even more.
Kim Namjoon is smart, got higher marks than most of his peers. He could’ve easily gotten into top universities and eventually, could've received a good job offer in either the corporate or scientific world. But he didn’t want any of that. What he wanted was to make music, to craft tunes with feelings and messages that he wants to deliver to others. He vowed to be the greatest rapper in the country, and here he is among the top, along with the other six members of BTS, his six found family members.
The sun slowly rises on the horizon. Light peeks out from the window in the room.
A new day awaits them.
The winner of Artist of the Year is…
All seven of them.