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“You’re an idiot” Hwaryun screeched as soon as she enters Hansung’s café, and she’d probably get yelled at any other day, but not today.
Not today, because someone has to talk some sense into bam and it’s the first time she’s stepped in here for 6 months.
Not that she has to yell, Bam thinks. It’s still a café and it’s still open and Bam really isn’t in the mood to get yelled at. He came in here, like he comes in here everyday, for peace and quite.
“Stop ignoring me, Bam.” shes calmed down a little, but she still sounds frustrated.
“I’m not ignoring you, hey Hwaryun.”
oh, he’s definitely been ignoring her, of course he has. He doesn’t have the time or energy to answer all her questions.
“You haven’t replied to any of my texts for the past five months” she sounds a little more frustrated now, “I hear you quit over some dumb sports news, and nobody tells me what’s going on.”
“I was injured.”
He was. He really was. Given the hand injury wasn’t bad enough to ruin his entire career, he just didn’t want to continue. That’s it. Everyone has to stop bugging him about it.
“You wouldn’t give swimming up because of a stupid injury.” Now she’s annoyed. Bam thinks he’s gotten quite good at reading her emotions, but this one is new. “Talk to me when you’re back to the bam I’ve known my entire life.” She gets up.
Oh no.
He gets up, and manages to grab her wrist.
“Hwaryun” he sighs, because he was ignoring her, doesn’t mean he didn’t miss her. “Just drop it, please .”
“Drop it and what?” she’s raising her voice now, “I’ve seen you swim since you were 5, for you to give it up over some dumb injury, it’s infuriating.”
She pulls her wrist away and walks out, leaving bam completely thwarted.
————
The first time Bam learns he has an attachment to water is when he is five. Five years old and clueless as to why it made him so content. Five and unknowing.
He’s always thought of the water as a safe haven.
Everytime he felt hurt, despondent, miserable, anything really, he’d spend hours in the water. He loved the fulfilment he got by simply just being there. When he was in the water, it was as if nothing mattered. As if he could swim forever, dive forever, be underwater forever. There is something about the motion of it that becomes natural after a while. He’ll always need the air and the sunlight, to feel the saline water wash over his skin and through his eye lashes.
Water was safe, water was something he believed in.
What happens when you stop believing in the only thing you’ve believed in your entire life?
————
There aren’t many people that fit into the ‘safe’ category in his life. There’s Hansung and Evankhell, there’s Jinsung and Hwaryun. Karaka’s there too, not that he’d ever admit it to anyone. Wangnan and Shibisu somehow make the list too.
Though, he’d rather not run into any of them, except Hansung and Evankhell, anytime soon.
He wasn’t planning on doing anything this particular day, not that he’s been planning to do anything nowadays, so helping out at the café was the only thing he could do to keep himself busy.
“You seem busy, viole.”
Shit.
Shit, shit, shit.
He knew he’d run into him eventually, but he didn’t think it would be so soon.
Soon? It’s been five months, some unreliable voice in his head nags.
“Very busy.” He anxiously replies, writing nonsense on some paper on the counter.
It’s never been hard for him to talk to Jinsung Ha.
Just like it’s never been hard for him to swim.
“I’m sure.” He replies “well, I just want you to know, you need to talk to me about this. Maybe not now. When you’re ready. People are worried about you, viole. I’m worried about you.”
That makes him look up, because all people have been doing is bugging him about it and he really doesn’t know how to talk about it.
How could he forget, why he’s so attached to him in the first place. Jinsung is easy to talk to. Jinsung gives bam space. Jinsung has always believed in bam, and bam thought he’d lost that.
Lost that the moment he’d announced he was taking a break. That he was quitting.
Jinsung understood, because Jinsung always understands, doesn’t he?
And now there’s tears in his eyes.
Tears he’s been trying to suppress for months now, and he’s suddenly getting pulled into a chest. A hand is stroking his hair, and he remembers this, remembers this so well, he’s missed it.
“It’s ok, take your time viole.” Jinsung says softly.
And for the first time in 7 months, he feels a little weight drop off of his shoulders.
————
Too slow, too fast, too weak, too strong.
He didn’t get it anymore, he didn’t know what to do anymore.
He had to get better, better, better.
“Viole!”
He hears a voice, he loses balance, he doesn’t know what he’s doing.
He doesn’t know what he’s doing, he doesn’t know what he’s doing.
He’s losing control, he’s losing consciousness.
When did his safe haven turn into a battlefield?
————
The first time he meets Khun Aguero Agnis, it’s a coincidence.
Bam was helping out at café, again, when he sees him.
Lots of eventful things have been happening here lately.
I mean if a super famous ice skater walks in what would you do?
Not that Bam should be particularly surprised by his presence, he’s met a bunch of super famous people thanks to Jinsung.
Said super famous skater is pretty.
Bam hasn’t particularly cared about ice skating, but he’s aware of who Khun Aguero Agnis really is.
“Excuse me, is this Hansung Yu’s café?”
Sometimes, Bam forgets who hansung really is. His brain just can’t relate that coffee addict to a famous retired coach, it’s not his fault.
Well, atleast Bam doesn’t have to worry about him recognising him, or worse, nagging him.
“Yes, but he’s not here right now.”
“Yes, I am” a voice he recognises calls out. “hello, Khun Aguero Agnis.”
Pretty blue hair looks annoyed.
Bam doesn’t blame him.
“You could’ve told me you were gonna be here.” Bam calls back.
“But then you wouldn’t show up and shut yourself in your room again and Evankhell would nag me about it, I’d much rather you help here.”
Bam rolled his eyes. ”I’m leaving.”
“No, you’re helping me.”
“With ice skating? I don’t know a thing about ice skating.”
“That’s a lie, besides no skating involved. Not for you atleast.”
The blue haired skater looks really confused.
“If you’re done, can we get this over with?” He asks, obviously directed at hansung.
“Yeah, I wanna know what’s so bad Lero Ro had to send you to me.”
He starts walking behind hansung, and notices Khun looking at the floor, dejected.
“Hey, I’m sorry about him. he’s always like that.” It’s a poor attempt at comfort, but it’s something.
“Yeah, I figured he would be insufferable.” and then changes his tone and mood, so quickly, bam wonders how it’s possible. “what’s your name?”
Bam smiles at him, “Bam.”
“Aguero” he smiles back.
————
The first time he met Hansung Yu and Evankhell, he was scared of them.
Well, he was scared of everything at that time.
He didn’t know how to talk to people, didn’t know what to do.
He quickly warmed up to them, somehow.
Then Hansung took him to an ice skating rink.
He hated it, then.
It was scary, he couldn’t do anything, couldn’t control it.
Bam figured it’s because he’s never had to work too hard to get the hang of something.
He learnt his guardian was a retired ice skater, he didn’t do much related to it anymore, but he wanted Bam to try.
They both quickly learnt it was best if he didn’t.
The first time he swam, he refused to come out of the water.
It just felt stupefying.
When he met Jinsung for the first time, he realised it wasn’t weird. It wasn’t weird at all.
Jinsung promised to teach him everything he knows.
Jinsung kept his promise, it’s given Bam should too.
————
He quickly figures out what Aguero’s problem is, but is too scared to point it out.
He knows he should, but he can’t exactly put it into words so he waits for Hansung to get it too.
When they first got here, Bam didn’t know what exactly Hansung needed his help with, he knows how much bam despised ice skating rinks.
It’s a grudge he’s held since he was 4 and as dumb as it was, it’s a grudge he’s going to continue to hold.
It didn’t matter, because watching Aguero skate was alluring.
Perhaps it was time to get over his 20 year old grudge.
“You lack emotion” was the first thing Hansung said once Aguero was done.
Bam felt a little angry because although it did in fact lack emotion, you’d have to look really close to see that, it was beautiful.
“I see why he sent you here, but I can’t help you if you’re problem is emotion.” He continues “only you can control that.”
“What is that supposed to mean?” He says sounding annoyed, “Lero Ro said you’d help me, so just tell me what to do.”
Hansung sighs, “the only advice I can give you now is to take a break and decide what emotions you want to convey through your pieces”
He takes a sip of his coffee, “right now, you look like a robot, moving a way that’s been forced into you. I want to find something, someone, anything at all that gives you a strong emotion and I want you express those through your skating. This is all I can do to help you.”
Bam knows how efficient Hansung can be about this, and he’s learnt to read his emotions on a persons skating after years of experiencing him judging every piece he watches.
He knows Hansung liked it when he sees him actually bother with some decent advice.
“Anyway, I’ve got to go.” He waves. “I’d hate to see your talent wasted, Khun Aguero Agnis”
Aguero scowls, and Bam decides it’s finally time to speak up.
“Isn’t Evankhell waiting for you?”
Hansung chuckles, “I’m guessing you don’t want a ride home?”
“No, I’m going back to the café for a while.”
Lie.
“Bye.” Hansung waves and walks out.
Bam turns to Aguero, who looks very conflicted.
“He can be really blunt and vague, I’m sorry.”
And the blue haired skater looks up and smirks and Bam thinks that’s good enough.
“Why do you keep apologising for him?”
“It’s a habit.”
“I can tell.”
And the silence is back.
“I’m not sure if my opinion matters and I’m sorry if this sounds rude, but you’re very proud.” Bam starts, “you think you’re unbeatable, and it might be true now but someday, it’s not going to be.”
Well. That reminds him of someone.
Aguero’s looking up with wide eyes now.
“Okay” Bam sighs “name something you love.”
“Huh?” the skater exclaims.
“Come on, it can be anything you feel a strong emotion about”
“I don’t really have anything I feel a strong emotion about.” He says “how do you feel strong emotions about anything anyway, it’s worthless.”
Bam laughs, “no, it’s not, for example I love swi-“
“Hm?” The skater makes a sound when bam has been quite for a while now already.
“Nevermind.” Bam smiles, but it’s strained. “Try to follow his advice. He’s almost always right, I learnt that the hard way.”
“Fine. I’ll try” Aguero finally sighs. “You know, it’s difficult to say no to you.”
Bam chuckles.
“Just trust him, I’m sure everything will work out.”, His smile a little more genuine now.
“So, you were heading to the café?”
“No, not really.” Bam says.
“What’s your relationship with that coffee addict?” He asks, “it’s a little hard to believe you’re related to him.”
Bam laughs now, “he’s my gaurdian.”
“ah.” Aguero smiles at him, “well, I could use some coffee.”
“Come on.” Bam smiles.
————
“What do you mean by you’re taking a break?” Evankhell asked him when he’d come home and tried to tell Hansung and Evankhell.
“I mean I’m taking a break, that’s all there is to it.”
“Till when?”
“I haven’t decided yet.”
“Why does it sound like you’re giving up on it.”
Silence.
He didn’t really know what he was doing. He wasn’t giving up on it. He wasn’t.
It was just difficult, it was difficult not understanding the water, not understanding swimming.
It was difficult pretending everything was fine and he’d get over it in a while.
He had the injury on his hand, but really it wasn’t that serious.
Hansung knew that, Evankhell knew that, Jinsung knew that.
But the others didn’t, so he’d continue making a big deal out of it.
“I’m not.”
————
Soon, meeting up with Aguero became routine.
They’d text each other and meet up often. When Aguero was busy practicing, Bam would go visit.
Just like today.
Apparently he’s been improving. Bam can’t tell exactly how, but he can tell the way he moves is different.
It’s lighter than before, it’s like he’s moving without any weight now. He’s gliding on the ice and he looks free. He looks at ease, like that is where he belongs.
It makes Bam realise how much he wants to feel that again too.
He learns why Aguero has no idea who he is, and it’s because Aguero doesn’t really care about things that don’t bother him.
He’s glad really, because Aguero would call him stupid too. He knows him well enough by now to know for sure that Aguero would nag him for helping him so much while being on the edge of giving up himself.
“Bam!” Aguero runs over to where Bam has been watching him from.
“Aguero, that was amazing.” He smiles. “You’ve improved, you found something after all.”
“Well, it wasn’t as difficult as I thought it would be.” He smiles softly, softer than any smile Aguero has ever given him.
“Come on, lets go to the café.”
On the ride there, they talk more.
Bam finds it strange how they know so much about each other, yet so little at the same time.
That unreliable voice in his head reminds him that Aguero has trusted him with a lot of things, bam has tried to run away, again.
When they reach, Bam immediately regrets coming there.
“Viole.” Karaka calls out while walking up to him.
He could run. He could definitely run away and not show his face to anyone for
“What do you want?”
He doesn’t want to do this now, he doesn’t want to do this here.
“You know what exactly.” He says, “your hand seems better.”
“Oh yeah, it’s better. I guess.” He moves it around in front of his face, as if inspecting it.
“What are you doing?”
Bam knows, he knows exactly what that question implies.
But he doesn’t want to talk about it, so he does exactly what he’s been doing for an entire year now, and ignores it.
“Trying to get coffee.” He tugs Aguero’s hand and walks past him.
Karaka sighs, “you really have to stop running away like this.”
“Bye, karaka.”
They sit down at a table furthest away from Karaka and suddenly bam finds the table very intriguing.
Aguero won’t ask him, he knows Aguero won’t ask him about it unless he’s ready, and Bam doesn’t know whether he’s disappointed or glad.
Its not like he doesn’t want to speak about it, doesn’t want to lay it down for people. He just doesn’t know how. He has no idea how to tell them how he’s feeling, what happened then, what’s happening now.
He isn’t sure how much he wants to talk about it, but he knows a lot about Aguero already. How he spends too much time on his hair or how he got into ice-skating because of his father, because Aguero trusts him with these things.
He groans and puts his head on the table, and stays silent for a while, to get a reaction from Aguero.
When he figures Aguero would listen to him, and he really has nothing to be worried about, he continues.
“I used to swim.”
Maybe that wasn’t the best way to start.
But Aguero looks at him with attentive eyes, keeps all his attention on Bam, trying to somehow let him know he was listening, he was there.
“I got an injury, on my hand. It really wasn’t a big deal, it wasn’t bad enough to ruin swimming for me, it took like a month to heal, but I made a huge deal about it and took a big break so everyone wouldn’t think I was a coward giving up on the only thing he was good at, because that’s exactly what I was doing.” Bam pauses to take a breath, “I lost one race, then another and suddenly I didn’t know what I was doing, I didn’t get anything. It’s like I stopped believing in the only thing I’ve ever trusted and it hurt and I didn’t know what to do. Everything was too suffocating, and I made it so complicated when it shouldn’t have been. The one thing that made me feel safe, felt like the scariest thing in the world. I didn’t know what to do.”
He stays silent for a few minutes. He doesn’t know what to say anymore. He waits for Aguero to say something.
He’d just blurted our everything he’s kept inside of him for a year now and he really doesn’t know how Aguero would react.
Aguero just puts his hand on Bam’s and gives a gentle smile. He knows Aguero has things to say, but won’t say them until he thinks bam is ready to hear them. Bam wants to tell him he’s okay, and he’s ready, but he’s glad because he really doesn’t know how he’ll handle it well.
Bam smiles back, but it was wiped off the moment Karaka decided it was time to ruin whatever moment they were having.
“I guess I’ll go order something.” Aguero got up and bam cursed at him in his head but he knew he had to face this. He knew he couldn’t run away anymore.
“Viole.”
“Karaka.”
“I just want to let you know,” he gets quieter, then it looks like he regrets opening his mouth in the first place, then he sighs and very softly adds, “you can tell me if you need help.”
And Bam can’t ignore that. He suddenly isn’t sure if he wants to thank him or go ahead and make fun of him for it. He doesn’t want the ruin the moment yet wants to laugh and laugh at karaka.
He smiles, “thanks Karaka.”
Then there’s a pause.
And then Bam‘s in hysterics.
A few people turn to look at him, but they should know by now that this café is a very eventful place, and nothing normal ever happens here.
He notices Aguero talking to wangnan on the counter and realises he probably shouldn’t have this conversation with Karaka right now.
He calms down by the time Aguero comes back. And Karaka definitely regrets his decision now.
“You’ve always understood it more than me anyway viole,” karaka begins again. “Its very unlike you to give up. Jinsung’s waiting. I’m waiting too. Get back on your feet viole, everyone’s waiting.”
And for the first time in an entire year, Bam feels at ease. Because they don’t hate him, even if he really did almost give up, they believe in him. Bam wonders if it would’ve been easier if he just talked to all of them before, instead of running away and ignoring them.
“Anyway, I’ve got to go.” Karaka says again, ready to walk away, he raises his hand and, “have fun on your date, viole.”
Nevermind.
He hates Karaka. He hates Karaka very much. Forget about Karaka trying to help him. He’s always known Karaka was evil, ever since he broke his toy car when he was 6, he should’ve never trusted karaka.
“It’s not a date.” He states, trying to look at Aguero, who has turned red and is trying to hide his face.
Karaka throws him a look and walks out.
And now bam has to deal with talking to Aguero normally. He suddenly doesn’t know what to say.
Hanging out with Aguero has been fun. Hanging out with Aguero has taken his mind off things. Helping Aguero has been fun too. He trusts Aguero, he knows that for sure.
He trusts him enough to blurt out all of his issues and problems.
“Sorry.” Bam says, because he can’t think of anything else to say.
“Why are you apologising?” Aguero smiles at him, leaning on his hand.
“I was expecting him, but I wish he didn’t appear today. Sorry if he made you uncomfortable.”
“No, it’s fine.”
“Yeah?”
“Yeah.”
“Oh.”
“yeah.”
“Okay.”
“Hey, I have a competition here, in like a week.” Aguero starts after a minute of silence, “I was wondering if you, um, wanted to come?”
A competition.
Oh.
Bam only realises he’s stayed quite too long when Aguero starts to ramble.
“I mean since you’ve helped me so much, I just, I wanted you to come and-”
“I’ll come, Aguero.” Bam smiled at him.
Of course he’d come. How could he not?
Aguero smiles back, and Bam realises he feels little closer to ‘okay’ when he’s with Aguero.
————
He can’t sleep.
He’s thinking too much again, he’s thinking about it again.
He’s scared, he’s scared.
He wants to go back.
He wants to feel the water again, he wants to move around in it, he wants it back.
He’s afraid.
He thinks of how understanding Hansung was, and how even though in the starting Evankhell did bug him, she believed in him too. He thinks of Jinsung and how he’d told him everything would be fine. He thinks of how much courage it would’ve taken Karaka to admit he’d help him. He thinks of Aguero’s smile.
What is he so scared of?
Losing his passion? Failing at the one thing he’s good at?
What is he so scared of?
He really wants to talk to Aguero.
He can’t call him though, he can’t.
Because Aguero is someone who has things to do, who has his life figured out. It would be selfish to call him. Besides, he should be resting. His competition is just 5 days away.
He can’t call Aguero.
He has to suck it up and go to sleep and try not to think about it.
————
5 days later, Bam finds himself sandwiched between Hansung and Wangnan.
He hasn’t seen Aguero for the past 5 days, but he’s texted him, wished him the best of luck.
He certainly was not ready for a bunch of people surrounding him like this.
“Why are the both of you even here?”
“What do you mean? Can’t I come to watch some good ice-skating?” Hansung answers first.
Both of them know he’s going to find faults in everyone and ruin everything.
“Your boyfriend invited me.” Wangnan smiles.
“He’s not my boyfriend.” Bam immediately replies, suddenly getting tense.
“Bam has a boyfriend? Bam, son, why didn’t you tell me?” He hears a familiar voice from below.
“Bam has a boyfriend? What, bam!” He hears another familiar voice.
“Shibisu? Endorsi? Why are you here?” Bam somehow manages to say, somehow.
“To watch my other son, of course.”
“Khun.” A black haired boy—Hatz probably, from what he remembers hearing from Shibisu—he’s seen with Shibisu often replies.
“I got dragged here.” Endorsi replies. “I don’t really care about stupid ice skaters.”
She turns to look at Shibisu with a scowl, like it’s obvious that sentence was directed at him. Hatz passes her food, she brightens up. And that’s how they know she isn’t going to make much of a fuss today.
“We’re here to see him too!” Wangnan exclaims.
Aguero is the last act, apparently. Bam just wants to see Aguero again.
Bam isn’t sure what to feel about this. He’s never minded the chaos he knows his friends create, he just can’t help but feel nervous. He doesn’t even know why he’s nervous.
However, the moment Aguero takes the stage and gets in position, Bam forgets about all the chaos going on around him and all his nervousness.
Aguero starts gliding on the ice with his precise movements and perfect steps, but Bam can tell he’s improved from the first time he saw him. Aguero moves freely now, he used to be tense, a perfectionist (still is) but he’s not trapped anymore, he’s light and it’s beautiful and Bam can’t take his eyes off of him.
By the end of the performance, Bam is just as mesmerised as he was the first time he watched him, definitely more.
Aguero glances at him, smiles and leaves the stage.
He sees Hansung smile, not the judgemental, cocky smile, he knows how rare that is.
Hansung turns to him then, and says, “Good job.”
But before he can register it or question it, he hears a voice he’s grown to recognise anywhere call out his name.
“Bam!” Aguero says breathlessly. “Hey.”
Bam can’t respond. He can’t because Aguero is still dressed up, because Aguero just finished and ran here, because Aguero looked amazing and all Bam could do was stop and stare.
He should probably say something though.
“Hey, that was amazing.” He replies, “you were amazing.”
Aguero smiles one of his softer smiles, smiles bam has gotten used to, smiles bam has grown to miss way too much.
“Thank you.” And then, like an after note, he adds, “do you want to get coffee?”
Bam just smiles, because he knows Aguero understands.
“Hey! My son, you were amazing!” Shibisu suddenly yells, and the chaos Bam thought had quite down, is back up again.
He doesn’t mind it though, this is how it’s supposed to be.
An hour later, he finds himself alone with Aguero.
Not at the café, somehow.
They’re at the beach If this was a few months ago, Bam would have probably freaked out and panicked and ruined any mood they had, but he finds himself comfortable right now.
“You were great.” Bam bumps his shoulder against Aguero’s, and Aguero bumps it back.
“Shut up.” Aguero chuckles. “It’s thanks to you anyway, you’ve helped me so much.”
“That’s not true, that was all you Aguero.”
Aguero pauses and smiles the softest smile he’s ever seen on him, Bam finds he likes that smile very much.
They start walking again in silence for a while. He can sense how tense Aguero is. It’s like he wants to bring something up, but he seems afraid.
The wind and the cool breeze seeps past them and something obviously seems off.
Aguero sighs and stops walking. Bam turns around to look at him. There’s a pause, suddenly everything feels colder.
“Jue Viole Grace.” Aguero says suddenly.
Bam widens his eyes and looks down, he shouldn’t be surprised, really. He knew Aguero would figure it out sooner or later.
“A swimming prodigy. That’s you, isn’t it?” Aguero asks.
Bam continues looking down.
“Trained by Jinsung Ha, one of the best swimmers ever. Got injured around a year ago and took a ‘break’.” Aguero starts to head over to Bam.
“It’s you, isn’t it?” Aguero continues, “I’m sorry if this is weird, and I know I don’t have much of a right to ask but bam, why did you really quit?”
That’s it. That’s the question he doesn’t have an answer to. Its a question he hasn’t been asked much, but he doesn’t know, he doesn’t know. Hwaryun was the last one to ever imply it. It’s a question he’s too afraid to answer.
“I-” bam breathes, “I don’t know.”
“I’m sorry.” Bam says, desperate now, “can we not talk about this.” He turns away.
Then it’s silent. Bam knows he really can’t run away anymore, not when everyone has been so, so understanding and supportive. Not when everyone’s seen him do this an entire year. Not when meeting with Aguero is something he looks forward to now.
“I started skating because my father thought I’d be good at it. I had to get all the movements precise and perfect. It’s how I’ve been skating my entire life.” Aguero starts instantaneously, “so when Hansung Yu said that to me, I really didn’t know. Every step I’ve ever made had to be perfect, and he was finding faults in that too.”
Bam wanted to tell him that Hansung always did that, he wanted to tell him his skating was wonderful, but he knew Aguero wasn’t done.
“Then I started spending time with you. I still didn’t understand anything Hansung had told me, but spending time with you was nice. Slowly, I started to understand what he meant. I started putting in the feelings I had when spending time with you, and that loosened me down. My steps weren’t precise anymore, they weren’t perfect. But it didn’t matter because I had fun. For the first time, I had fun skating. That’s because of you, Bam.” He finally looks up at Bam.
And Bam. Bam just stands there with wide eyes, because he doesn’t know what to say. Or how to say anything.
His train of thought is interrupted again when Aguero says “I’m just saying, you’ve helped me a lot. So let me help you too.”
And he’s smiling. Aguero is smiling that soft smile of his.
And there’s tears in Bam’s eyes. He only realises when he feels Aguero’s slender, calloused hand wipe them away. He only realises how much he needed that when he’s being pulled into Aguero.
“I’m sorry.” Bam mumbles with his face still buried in Aguero’s neck.
“Shh.” Aguero replies softly. “It’s okay.”
He only realises whatever Aguero said sounded a bit too much like a confession five hours too late.
————
Bam lies awake at night, he can’t sleep.
He thinks about the people that care about him, the people that understand, that have stood with him all this time.
He thinks about how he let them down.
He isn’t used to not knowing the water. He isn’t used to being beatable, when it comes to swimming.
One moment he was fine, and the next he didn’t understand anything.
He won’t be able to sleep tonight, he knows.
He thinks it won’t do him any good to just stare at his walls and heads downstairs. He makes himself something to drink and sits down near the window.
He’s caused everyone a lot of trouble, hasn’t he? He didn’t even think about what Hansung and Evankhell’s reaction would be if he showed up out of nowhere with an injury saying he’s gonna be staying here, with them, where it’s safe for now. Because now, even his own house scared him.
A while later, he doesn’t even remember how long he’s been sitting there, he hears footsteps. He can recognise those footsteps.
It’s Hansung.
Hansung had probably expected him to be down here, with how calm he looks. If he is surprised, he doesn’t show it. Instead, he sits down next to him—with his cup of instant coffee, of course— looks at him for a moment, then starts speaking.
“Hey.”
“Hi.”
“Can’t sleep?”
Hansung isn’t good at comfort. They both know this. When it comes to comfort, Jinsung has always been there for bam, and Hansung has always helped from the background.
“Yeah.”
“Hm.”
“I’m sorry.” Bam finds himself saying suddenly. ”I’m really, really sorry.”
If he’s crying, he knows Hansung won’t point it out. In some ways, he’s grateful for that.
“You have nothing to be sorry for.”
“Yes, I do.” Bam says, “I just suddenly barged in saying I was quitting and I gave all of u so much trouble I’m-”
He takes a deep breathe, “I’m sorry.” His voice breaks.
He feels a hand on his head then, softly caressing it.
“It happens to everyone atleast once, you know.” Hansung softly begins. “You can’t always stay motivated, I’d be surprised if this didn’t happen to you. I’m glad you chose to come here though. I’m glad you chose to spend time here, and try to think about it. It’s completely fine, you’re fine. You can go back whenever you want to, we’re here for you Bam.”
Bam smiles at him. Tears still in streaming down his face, still processing his words, but Bam smiles.
————
He doesn’t sleep the entire night, he just thought about everything he’s done for more than an entire year.
He thinks about Jinsung and karaka and Hwaryun and even Wangnan, with how supportive he was when Bam first came back, Hansung and Evankhell and Aguero.
He’s so, so grateful for each and every one of them.
He thinks about what Hansung told him, just a few hours ago.
Is he ready?
Yes.
Is he really, really okay?
Okay enough.
He leaves as soon as the sun rises. Gathers the things he hasn’t used for way too long already.
Knocks at Jinsung’s door, asks for the keys he hasn’t used in too long. (He has the keys, actually. He just wanted to see the look on Jinsung’s face.)
Indulges in his shocked, but happy and proud, face and makes his way to Jinsung‘s pool.
When he finally steps into the water, he realises just how much he’s missed this.
————
He’s been training, practising.
The first day, Jinsung came there, just to confirm it was real he said.
He asked Jinsung if he’d train him again. Jinsung almost cried, not that he’d admit it. Bam wasn’t disappointed with the expression on his face.
Even Karaka called him that day, when he was trying to sleep. Karaka would never call him, especially not so late in the night. To yell at him. Not angrily, nothing angry about it, more surprised and happy. That’s just the way Karaka is, Bam’s come to accept it.
When he went back to the café, wangnan hugged him so tight, he found it hard to breathe.
He even managed to call Hwaryun and the moment she saw him after agreeing to meet, she’d punched him. He wasn’t surprised. He’d expected it. Then she’d hugged him and called him an idiot.
This was good. This was normal.
————
He hasn’t seen Aguero for over 3 days. They’ve texted, simple good morning and good nights that don’t mean much yet mean so much at the same time. They’ve been busy. Aguero has to travel soon, and he has to train.
So when Aguero shows up at the pool, Bam is surprised to say the least. He doesn’t know how Aguero even knows of this place. He figures Hansung probably told him, but that’s means he asked.
“Hey.” Aguero says as he gets closer to the edge of the pool when Bam stops moving. He kneels, tries to balance himself on his toes as if he doesn’t wanna touch the water or get wet.
“Hi.” Bam smiles, purposely lifting his hand from the water, and splashing some on Aguero. Aguero squeals and yells his name while he just laughs. But Aguero is looking at him with a soft smile, one he’s used to seeing at this point, and Bam is so, so glad he’s here, and he’s trying because Aguero looks proud.
“Get in.” He says, suddenly losing control of his mouth.
“No.” Aguero says in a firm voice after widening his eyes, looking at him and then looking away, his face pink.
“Why not?”
“I can’t swim.” Aguero says. “Besides I don’t have a swimsuit.”
“So? Just get in.”
Aguero looks at him, hesitates, then sighs. He starts taking his shirt off and this was a bad idea, a part of bams head whispers.
Another unreliable part is so glad.
Aguero sits at the edge, he looks like he’s still contemplating. Bams sees his hand on the edge and has a rather dumb idea, but he’s feeling strangely confident right now, he should make the best of it. He pulls Aguero down, and Aguero squeals, again, holding on to bams neck as soon as he’s in the pool.
“Bam!”
Bam just laughs at him, Aguero’s face is still red as he lets go of Bam, looks at Bam with another gentle look, turns away and tries to adjust to the water. He avoids Bam’s eyes.
“Let’s see who can stay underwater for longer.” Bam says spontaneously, trying to get Aguero to look at him.
“What? That’s unfair!” Aguero exclaims, finally looking at him.
“No, it’s not!”
Aguero sighs and looks at Bam with a look he’s grown familiar with.
“One.” Bam starts, Aguero’s eyes widen, and he’s mildly panicking. “Two,” Aguero looks a little more calm now, and bam is amazed at how fast he managed get himself together. “three.”
They both go under at the same time.
Bam opens his eyes and the first thing he sees are Aguero’s bright blue eyes looking right back at him. They somehow look even prettier underwater. Bam just stares at him, and Aguero stares back. Bam wants to pull Aguero closer, touch him, thank him. He wants to touch Aguero’s hair and feel his lips on his own. He leans in, Aguero’s eyes widen but he quickly relaxes and leans in too. Bam wonders if he’s being selfish. If he’s going to ruin everything by being scared again. He goes up.
Aguero follows after a second and all bam can think of is how much he wants.
“Again.” He whispers, not waiting for a response or reaction from aguero to go under. Aguero follows, like Bam knew he would, and Bam can see those eyes again. He wants, he wants. He leans in again, and when aguero does too, his hesitation fades. And their lips are touching, He can feel Aguero’s lips against his. He puts his hand on Aguero’s head gently, trying to pull him closer, to feel a little more.
But aguero pulls away and goes up. Bam almost forgot they needed to breathe, he follows up after a second. But maybe this is Aguero’s way of saying he doesn’t feel the same way. This is Aguero’s way of telling Bam he-
“Again.” Aguero says before Bam has the time to drown in his doubts again. “Again.” He breathes heavily.
But bam can’t wait, he can’t.
He kisses him and the world falls away. It‘s slow and soft, comforting in ways that words would never be. His hand rests below his ear, his thumb caressing Aguero’s cheek as their breaths mingled. Aguero ran his fingers down his spine, pulling him closer until there was no space left between them and he could feel the beating of Bam’s heart against his chest.
They pull away, their foreheads still touching.
I’m happy, I’m happy, Bam thinks.
————
Anybody who gave a shit about swimming was currently talking about Jue Viole Grace’s return, and Jinsung Ha loved it.
And Bam isn‘t nervous. Atleast he doesn’t think he is, he’s never gotten nervous before a race. It’s new, but everything has been a little new for the past few months, he finds himself welcoming these changes.
“Don’t get nervous, I’m sure you’ll do great.” Karaka says.
“You’re wishing me luck and complementing me?” Bam makes a dramatic motion and puts his hand on his heart, “I’m touched.”
“Didn’t your boyfriend come here as fast as he could from Canada to not miss this? Don’t disappoint him.”
Bam finds himself smiling at the thought of Aguero, still wondering how he managed to finish a competition in Canada and get here by today morning.
“ I shouldn’t have mentioned it.” Karaka says again, looking at Bam like he’s disgusted.
“It’s time.” Jinsung says, trying to break an argument just waiting to happen. He puts his hands on Bam’s shoulders. “Good luck.” He smiles.
Bam pulls him into a hug and buries his face in Jinsung’s chest, trying not to cry or something. He feels arms wrap around him.
“Don’t worry. You’ll do great.” Jinsung says, trying to reassure him.
Bam chuckles.
He’s missed this.
He could drown in this air, suffocate in the chlorinated humidity that rises above the water. People move past, trapped in their own heads as he is in his own. He’s right here, bare feet on the mopped white tile.
His eyes fall to the surface once more. He wants to be in that water, under it, gliding dolphin-like to the tiles below more than his next breath. In those perfect moments he can forget the past, cease to analyze the future. he wont worry about who he is, who he will become, what he might never be. In the water, there is only the present, nothing more. Underneath the surface he can escape the dull drag of gravity. It is as free as he’s ever experienced.
He could swim forever, dive forever, be here in this underwater world forever. There is something about the motion of it that becomes natural after a while. He'll always need the air and the sunlight, to feel the saline water wash over his skin and through his eye lashes. There will be times he wants to be saved, to give up, then he remembers who he is and keeps going.
In the water, he’s free.
He knows the water, he understands water.
He isn’t supposed to be scared of it. How could he ever be scared of it?
He moved with robotic precision but organic fluidity, stroke after stroke nailed to perfection.
He’s missed this, he’s missed this so much.
He doesn’t win. He doesn’t try to win. He just tries to trust the water again. And it’s fine, it’s fine, because Aguero kisses him after, and Hwaryun ruffles his hair. Shibisu and wangnan cry, and endorsi yells. It’s fine, because Evankhell smiles at him, and Hansung looks proud. Jinsung seems happy and Karaka punches him.
It’s fine.
Everything is really fine for the first time in a while, and even if things change, Bam welcomes it. He welcomes the water, because he’s missed it and he wants to trust again.
He’s fine, he’s fine.
————
Endorsi walks front and back in front of the table.
“So.” She stops, deeming she’s walked enough for now. “When did the two of you start dating?”
“It’s none of your business-” Aguero starts, desperate to get out of here now.
“Shut up. I asked Bam.” She snarls at him. “Bam, I thought we had something.” She says in a gentle voice, one that doesn’t fit her very well.
“We did?” Bam asks nervously.
“Wait, wait. I wanna know too.” Bam hears a voice he’d rather not right now.
“Why are you here?” Bam scowls.
“It’s my café.” Hansung replies.
“Okay, stop.” Jinsung intervenes. “Viole, you’re everywhere right now.” He smiles wickedly.
Bam huffs.
Aguero nudges him, and smiles, a smile Bam has grown to love, to miss. He smiles back and everything feels normal again.
Aguero has to leave in two weeks for a competition, Bam has to travel next month as well. It’s fine though, because they make it work.
He hears Hatz and Aguero, he was next to him a second ago, bicker in the background and Wangnan try not to set anything on fire while the new recruit, Yeon Ehwa, tries her best not to panic.
Bam finds he doesn’t mind it at all. In fact, he welcomes it.
Hwaryun sits next to him, where Aguero has previously been sitting but got into a heated argument with Hatz and got up, and nudges his shoulder.
His eyes are still on Aguero trying to prove whatever point to Hatz and Shibisu trying to break it up, and failing. Hwaryun follows his line of sight and chuckles saying something he’s used to hearing now, especially coming from her.
“You’re an idiot.”