Archive of Our Own

you are the best friend again. he invites

you over for dinner and you say yes

too easily. remind yourself this isn’t special,

it’s only dinner, everyone has to eat.

when he greets you at the door, do not think

for one second you are the reason

he wore cologne tonight.

someone told you once

a soul mate is not the person who makes you the happiest,

but the one that makes you feel the most.

— sierra demulder, on watching someone

you love love someone else.

Soonyoung watches as his entire world comes to a screeching halt on a Saturday.

The thing is, he had always prided himself on being able to notice when Junhui needs to talk to him about something important, especially when it's something serious. They’re best friends, after all; he knows Junhui better than anyone, with the exception of Wonwoo.

So it's safe to say that he isn't the least surprised when Junhui comes barging in on his and Jihoon's shared dorm room, not after his sudden text half an hour before of help i'm going through a fucking crisis, eyebrows knitted together and lips pursed. Soonyoung automatically knows something is up. This is the look Junhui often gets when he's debating over something, like what he should eat for dinner, or whether he should do his accounting assignments now or later. Soonyoung knows, but there's a tightness to Junhui's shoulders that isn't usually there, and almost immediately there’s a sense of dread gathering low in his stomach.

He stops scrolling through his phone and looks up at his friend. Soonyoung manages to stay quiet, waiting for Junhui to speak first, and another minute passes until he finally does.

"Jihoon isn't here, right?" is what Junhui asks. A frown tugs on Soonyoung's lips.

"He isn't," he replies slowly, quirking an eyebrow at the unexpected question. "Why?"

Junhui sucks in a deep breath. Soonyoung notes the clench in his fists. And then, in one swift breath, Junhui says with the faintest of blushes rising high on his cheeks, "I... think I like him. Jihoon. I like Jihoon."

Soonyoung blinks. He feels time freeze, or maybe it's just himself, and he barely keeps himself from dropping his phone.

"I mean," he starts, cocking his head in confusion. "Jihoon's great. I like him too."

Making a little frustrated sound in the back of his throat, Junhui plops down on the foot of his bed. "No, Soonyoung, that's not what I—" he sighs, brushing his hair back. A nervous habit. Soonyoung sits up, suddenly anxious; he's seen the other boy uncomfortable in plenty of situations before, but this is different. Like he's giving Soonyoung bad news.

"I mean I like like him," Junhui clarifies softly. "As in, romantically."

Soonyoung feels his blood run cold. "Huh?"

Junhui sighs again. He looks regretful, almost, for bringing it up. Soonyoung doesn’t understand. “I wanted to talk to you before I did anything about it. You’re one of my best friends, but you and Jihoon have always been so close, and I didn't want anything to be weird between all of us. " 

He chews on his bottom lip. Soonyoung's brain lags a few miles behind, struggling to catch up.

Junhui likes Jihoon. For some reason, the phrase doesn't sit well with him. Soonyoung always assumed Junhui had feelings for Wonwoo instead, a suspicion that only continued to grow during the summer in their final year of high school, when Wonwoo had announced he was thinking of going abroad for a few months and wouldn't be back for an indefinite amount of time. He chose to stay, in the end, but Soonyoung had found Junhui on the playground the four of them used to play in when they were mere children later that night, red-rimmed eyes that stared at nothing but his shoes. It wasn't a secret that Junhui took it the hardest.

But now…

Soonyoung thinks he's going to be sick. His stomach recoils, and he feels the tiniest clench in his heart, but then Junhui's last words finally make it into his brain, and a jolt runs down his spine. He feels paralyzed.

“We’re not—” Soonyoung shakes his head. His neck feels too hot, chest too tight, but he forces out a laugh anyway. “We’re not anything, Jun. You know I've never felt anything like that. Jihoon and I… we’ve always been just friends." He tries for a smile. "You should know that, dumbass."

He doesn’t know why he feels so awful for saying that. Memories poke at his seams and intrude his mind, of him and Jihoon when they were younger, sharing beds and racing on the seashore. Of them when they were barely teenagers, impulsive trips to movies and rundown playgrounds as bundles of homework shoved inside their backpacks lay forgotten. And then he thinks of them now, moving in together for college because it's weirder for them to be apart. He pushes them back. It didn’t mean anything at the time, and it shouldn't mean anything now, either.

Junhui still looks skeptical, so Soonyoung swallows down the bile rising in his throat and grins up at him. “Jun, this— This is great! I mean, I never expected you to like Jihoon of all people but… "

He trails off when pink starts to dust on Junhui's ears. Rubbing the nape of his neck nervously, Junhui says, "I didn't expect it too. But Jihoon's always been so amazing, you know? And… " His smile turns bashful. "He's been on my mind a lot lately."

The lump in Soonyoung's throat swells until he thinks he might choke. Or cry. But he doesn't, because Junhui deserves so much better.

Which is why Soonyoung says his next words with a smile, even when there's something stabbing at his gut and pricking at his eyes: “You should go for it, Junhui. Seriously.”

There's the start of a glimmer of hope twinkling in Junhui's eyes. The smile that Soonyoung has grown so used to, big and bright and genuine, is almost blinding. “You’re sure? It's- it's cool with you?” he asks, and Soonyoung's head nods without permission from his brain.

“Of course I’m sure." He tries again to match Junhui's smile. Somehow, his voice doesn’t shake, but he feels… odd. Like he's lost something he never even had in the first place. “And Jihoon would be stupid if he doesn''t say yes."

Junhui leaves with a promise to send updates, grinning and waving and yelling at Soonyoung to start dating too. The sick feeling in Soonyoung's stomach sinks and solidifies like a rock, sitting there for the rest of the day.

Jihoon says yes.

Junhui doesn't need to say anything for Wonwoo to know. He barges back into their apartment that evening with a beam so brilliant it rivals the sun and the stars and everything that shines. Junhui looks so beautiful, jumping onto the couch with flushed cheeks and a giddy smile, but all Wonwoo can do is clutch at his heart and beg for it not to break.

"So," he starts, looking up from his game and offering Junhui the biggest smile he can muster. It feels so wrong, and it hurts so much, but it keeps his tears from falling and ruining everything he's worked years to hide.

"So," Junhui echoes. The smile is starting to reach his eyes. "Wanna guess what happened?"

Wonwoo huffs out a laugh. "Jun, anyone within two inches from you can tell he said yes." 

"He said yes!" Junhui whoops. He falls back onto the couch and kicks the air with his feet, excited little squeaks slipping past his lips that he doesn't even bother to hide. 

Wonwoo feels the tremors in his smile, but he holds strong.

Junhui inhales, exhales, inhales again. He presses his palms over his heart, before grabbing for a nearby pillow and letting out another delighted squeal. It takes a few minutes, but he finally calms down enough for him to speak again.

"Okay, okay," Junhui says, breathless. "God, I feel like I'm in high school all over again." His lip starts to quiver from the strain in containing his smiles, but Wonwoo raises a single eyebrow, and that's all it takes for Junhui to go into another bout of muffled screaming.

After what nearly seems like two decades and a month, Junhui gains enough control over himself to speak coherent words. He grins, and Wonwoo grins too, willing his shoulders to stop trembling. He can't break down, shouldn't break down. He can't do that to his best friend.

Junhui's fanning himself now. "Do you wanna know what happened?"

Wonwoo laughs. "Go ahead."

"Alright. So." Junhui sucks in a breath. He leans forward, completely intruding on Wonwoo's personal space. "I texted him, asking if he was free after studying in the library. He said yes, and we met up at that new café down the block— you know that place, right?" Wonwoo nods, thinking about anything that isn't how close their bodies are, and Junhui continues. 

"We talked for a bit, I treated him to his usual horrid black coffee, and it took around twenty minutes for me to finally gather up the courage to tell him." He scratches his head sheepishly. "It wasn't anything romantic really, and I was probably stumbling over my words like a complete fool, but Jihoon laughed and said yes. And, oh my God, Won, his laugh. I've always found it kinda cute, but now it's just downright fucking adorable."

Wonwoo hums in understanding, He doesn't trust himself to speak. Turns out, he doesn't have to, because Junhui is speaking enough for the both of them.

"So after he said yes and everything, we walked around the park for a bit. And, Won, we held hands. Like, we haven't held hands like that since we were in sixth grade!" Junhui rambles on, waving his hands around animatedly as Wonwoo laughs and pretends he isn't shattering inside. "We ended up in that beach for a while, the one where Jihoon and Soonyoung used to have all those dumb races in—" he cuts himself short, eyes lighting up in late realization. "Oh, Lord. Speaking of Soonyoung, I should probably text him soon. Although, Jihoon must have told him by now."

Junhui's next words fly past Wonwoo's ears. Soonyoung. God, he's been so busy caring about himself that he completely forgot about the other boy. Wonwoo wonders if he's holding up better than he is.

"And then we talked for a bit more…" Junhui trails off, before he perks up again. "Oh, right! He agreed to a date next Monday night, Won! After that I walked him home— hey, what's wrong? Why are you crying?"

Fuck. Wonwoo touches his cheek, only to find it wet. Traitor, he yells at his body. Junhui stares at him worriedly, but Wonwoo laughs it off, shaking his head.

"It's nothing," he assures, wiping his eyes. "I'm just… I'm happy for you. Really."

Junhui doesn't look convinced. "Enough for you to cry?"

Shoving the other boy lightly, Wonwoo rasps out a breathy laugh. "Dumbass. I care about you. It's- It's nice seeing you so happy."

His voice catches a bit at the last part there, but Junhui's back to beaming again. 

He's so lovely. Wonwoo shudders, and blinks, and suffocates, but he's still managing to laugh alongside Junhui and he thinks about how he doesn't mind hurting over him.

It's nearing 10 in the evening when Jihoon finally comes home.

He opens the door, wondering if Soonyoung had eaten already. "I'm back!" he yells, only to be greeted with silence. He frowns. That's strange. It's never silent.

"Soonyoung?" he calls again.

"Over here." Soonyoung pops his head from behind the bathroom door, offering a small smile. Stepping closer, Jihoon narrows his eyes at him.

"Have you- Have you been crying?" he asks incredulously, before letting out a sigh, all fond and exasperated and I can't believe you're like this. "Geez, Soonyoung, which sad anime did you watch today?"

"Aw, Ji, you know me so well," Soonyoung says, letting out a laugh and throwing an arm over his shoulder. Jihoon grumbles about the other boy being an idiot, but he makes no attempt to swat him away.

"Did you eat already?" he asks, and Soonyoung shoots him that certain smug little smirk that Jihoon wants to smack off of his face.

"I did, actually. Were you worried? How cute."

"Yeah right, you ass," Jihoon snorts. "Just wanted to make sure you're not dying or anything. It's your turn to do the laundry tomorrow, remember?"

Soonyoung grasps at his chest dramatically. "You strike me down with your harsh words."

"The only thing I'll strike you down with is my foot if you don't get your arm off of me right now. Move."

Soonyoung quite literally cackles at that, the bastard. Wiping nonexistent tears from his eyes, he asks, "What about you? Did you eat?"

Oh. 

Jihoon looks away in time for the other boy not to catch his answering blush. He remembers Junhui, of them walking on the beach's pier with different flavoured milkshakes in hand, and he feels his heart stutter a little somewhere deep within his ribs. Hiding his smile, he looks back at Soonyoung.

Soonyoung's staring at him weirdly, until he notices that Jihoon's staring back and a shit-eating grin creeps up on his face. "Wait, nevermind. That was a stupid question," he says, lifting a brow. "I assume Junhui took you out to eat already?"

Jihoon absolutely hates the way his neck warms. God, how embarrassing. He casts his eyes to the side. "You know?"

The other boy stares at him, unimpressed. "Well, duh."

The blush is starting to snake up his ears. Goddamn. "Oh." He looks up at Soonyoung, pursing his lips. "You're okay with it?"

Soonyoung turns away. Jihoon watches as he walks to their kitchen, pouring himself a glass of water. He gulps half of it down, before saying, "Of course I'm okay with it. Why wouldn't I be?"

Jihoon shrugs, but then remembers Soonyoung isn't looking at him. "Just making sure."

A heartbeat passses before Soonyoung speaks again. "Hey, Ji?"

"Yeah?"

"I think I'm gonna call it a day. Guess binge-watching for five hours made me more tired than I expected."

He chuckles a bit, and Jihoon blinks. "Oh. Yeah, sure. Go ahead."

Soonyoung walks away then, but Jihoon finds himself latching onto his arm before he has the time to stop himself. "Soonyoung," he says, looking the other boy square in the eye. "Are you sure you're alright?"

"I'm fine, Ji," Soonyoung laughs, gently pushing his hand away. "Goodnight, okay?"

He's acting weird. Weirder than usual, but Jihoon decides not to question it. He follows Soonyoung into their room, and is just about to change into a clean set of clothes when the older boy climbs into his bed. Jihoon frowns for the second time that night. Soonyoung never sleeps in his own bed. He always invites himself over in Jihoon's bed, every night without fail since they moved in together, completely ignoring Jihoon's muffled sounds of protests and weak kicks to the shin.

It was a bother at first, because they weren't kids anymore and Jihoon thought he needed his own personal space, but he's gotten so used to Soonyoung clinging onto him each night and completely stunting his growth that Soonyoung's bed is now used for anything but sleeping.

Jihoon throws his shirt over his head and hunts for a new one. Without looking, he jokes, "Have you finally decided on using your own bed? Seriously, Kwon?"

He glances back when Soonyoung doesn't laugh. "Well, this is what you wanted, right?" he asks, voice muffled through his pillow.

Furrowing his brows together in confusion, Jihoon puts in, "You know I never mean it. Really, Soonyoung, when do I ever tell you no?"

Soonyoung peeks through from beneath his blanket. "Never," he grumbles, albeit begrudgingly.

"Exactly." Jihoon sighs then, grabbing for his laptop and sitting cross-legged atop his bed. "Don't be a brat, Soonyoung. Get your ass over here and keep me warm."

"Is that your twisted way of asking for a hug?"

"Soonyoung."

"Alright, alright," Soonyoung says, sitting up and raising his hands up in defeat. He hesitates. "But won't it be weird?"

Not glancing away from his laptop, Jihoon questions, "Why would it be?"

"Because… you know… "

This time, Jihoon does look up, and briefly wonders what the fuck Soonyoung is going on about. He tilts his head. "Is this because of me and Junhui?" he asks.

Soonyoung bites at the inside of his cheek before nodding. Jihoon lets out a little laugh.

"Christ, Soonyoung, it doesn't really mean anything, does it?"

"Right," Soonyoung laughs too. "It doesn't mean anything."

"It doesn't mean anything," Jihoon repeats. "So drag yourself over here right this moment or you're cooking breakfast tomorrow."

"Unfair, Ji." But Soonyoung gets up anyway, sidling up to Jihoon's side, their bodies pressed against each other like it's routine. 

Soonyoung passes out in five minutes, and eventually, Jihoon stops his music and lets the older boy's awful snoring filter through his ears. 

It's always been like this, between the two of them. Jihoon never did want it to change.

Junhui fingers the top button of his shirt, debating whether he should close it or not. He's supposed to meet Jihoon in ten minutes, so he really can't afford to be this indecisive when he still has to look for his wallet and wherever the hell his phone is this time.

"Open," says a voice behind him, just as he decides on leaving it buttoned.

"What?"

Wonwoo walks up to him until they're face-to-face, fresh from the shower, and reaches up to undo the top button on Junhui's shirt. His fingers brush the skin of Junhui's throat in the process, and Junhui finds himself holding in his breath. "You should leave it open. Christ, Jun, you and Jihoon have known each for so long, I doubt he'll hate you if you come in wearing a trash bag."

Wonwoo smells nice, like his weird vanilla lotion he always keeps in stock, and Junhui blinks to clear the thought away. "I'm not—"

"Junnie, you looked like you were going to church, not a date to the movies." Wonwoo looks Junhui up and down critically, and smoothes the fabric bunched on his shoulders. He smiles. "You look somewhat acceptable now, though."

"Gee, thanks."

Wonwoo snorts, before reaching over the bedside table and handing Junhui his wallet. Junhui bites back a smile.

"By any chance, have you seen my—"

"Your phone's on the middle shelf, near the remote," Wonwoo supplies for him, and Junhui rolls his eyes in fond amusement as he runs to the living room.

"Thanks, mom," he teases, laughing when Wonwoo slaps him on the arm.

He tucks his phone in his back pocket and crouches to put on his shoes. Standing up and brushing dust from his pants, he looks back at Wonwoo with a grin. The other boy smiles in return.

"Have a nice date, Jun."

Grin only growing wider, Junhui waves. "See you later, Won! And don't wait up for me, okay?"

Wonwoo nods, and Junhui lets out one last laugh. "And don't forget to eat!"

With that, he's out the door and sprinting to the elevator, heart thudding and palms sweaty with anticipation.

Jihoon's waiting for him by the time Junhui arrives at his door.

"Hey," he breathes out, and Jihoon's lips twitch upwards.

"Hey to you, too." He takes one, long look at Junhui and whistles appreciatively. "Well. It's nice to see you looking as dashing as ever."

Junhui doesn't know if Jihoon had somehow known he'd ran all the way to his place so he could be on time. He scoffs, but he feels his cheeks heating up and he's forced to wipe his hands on the fabric of his jeans. Clearing his throat, he offers what he hopes isn't a sweaty hand, and he says, "Ready to go?"

Jihoon takes his palm and smiles up at him. He closes the door behind him, and they stroll out the building and into the streets, fingers interlocked and arms brushing.

They fill the silence with playful banter and idle conversation — because even after a decade, they still haven't run out of things to say — and they're five minutes away from the theatre when the topic swerves to their friends.

"By the way, Jun," Jihoon's saying, and Junhui turns to look at him. He's avoiding his gaze, Junhui notes, an endearing flush tinting his pale cheeks. He's so cute, he thinks to himself with a laugh, until he notices Jihoon staring at him quizzically and he realizes he didn't even hear the second half of Jihoon's sentence.

Oh. "Sorry, what did you say?" he asks, and Jihoon — his boyfriend — lets out a pretty tinkling laugh.

"I was just wondering how Wonwoo reacted to… you know," he gestures at the both of them and swallows nervously, "us."

Junhui lightens up in reply. "He's been really chill about it! And very supportive, too."

"Really?"

"Yep," Junhui laughs, more to himself really, when thinking back to how Wonwoo had given him a ten minute lecture on how to make this date the best first date he'll ever be in. He glances back at Jihoon. "What about Soonyoung? Is he okay with it?"

Jihoon blinks a couple of times at the question, and the shadow of a frown starts to pull at his lips. "Um. Yeah. He's okay with it."

"You don't sound so sure."

"No, he is," Jihoon reassures. "He's just been acting kinda strange these past few days. Although," he chuckles softly, "I can't really blame him. It'll be pretty weird if two of your best friends, people you've known for more than half your life, start dating, don't you think?"

Junhui hums in agreement, unconsciously gripping Jihoon's hand the slightest bit tighter. "Wait a minute," he adds as an afterthought, turning towards Jihoon. "Where is Soonyoung? I didn't see him when I came to pick you up. Which is weird because he's like, always stirring up a mess in your living room every time me and Wonwoo come over."

"Ah." Jihoon looks troubled, and Junhui wants to kiss it all away but he holds back. Time and place, he reminds himself. "He was sleeping. I'm not sure if he's awake yet."

"Sleeping? But it's 6 in the evening!"

Chuckling a little, Jihoon clarifies, "He took a nap sometime in the afternoon. He's been… really tired lately, I think."

Junhui grins. "Binge-watching again?"

"Oh my God, don't get me started," Jihoon groans, using his free hand to pinch at his nose bridge. "Last night, I caught him crying into my hair. When I asked what the hell he was sobbing about at 3 in the morning, he said he couldn't stop thinking about that one pancreas movie." He lets out a long-suffering sigh. "You know how he is. Especially now that we're on summer break."

Snorting in a way that must have been very unflattering, Junhui goes on to say, "Do you remember last winter when he watched— what was it, 23 animes in one week?"

Jihoon shudders as they turn around the corner and brush past the door, burying his face in his hand. "We do not talk about the Kwon Soonyoung Squid Legs and Peanut Butter Incident of Christmas Eve. Never again." He pauses for a second, blinking in surprise at the illuminated menu hanging overhead. "Oh. We're here."

"Right." Junhui feels his cheeks warm. Not wanting the silence to stretch out a second longer, he turns to Jihoon with a sideways smile. "I'll order our food and drinks, okay? You go ahead and find our seats."

Jihoon bites at those damned pink lips. "You sure?"

"Jihoon. Geez, I'll be fine. Don't you trust me?" Junhui pouts, and mentally cheers when he spots the crimson tint on the other boy's ears.

"That's not—" Jihoon falters, before shooting him a half-hearted glare and turning on his heels. "Fine. But hurry up, okay?"

Another smile splits through Junhui's face. "Got it."

The movie was amazing. Or so, Junhui is told, as Jihoon continues to be the Marvel fanatic he is and rants about how incredible everything was. Junhui however, has spent the entire two hours staring at all the little stunning details on Jihoon's face and wondering what it would feel like if their lips found each other in the dark.

They're a few minutes away from Jihoon's door when Junhui asks, "What do you think about having game night this Wednesday? I was thinking of inviting Mingyu, Seokmin, and Minghao along too."

"Game night?" Jihoon smiles fondly. "We haven't had one of those in a while."

Scratching the back of his ear tentatively, Junhui says, "Is it okay with you?"

He tries not to blush when Jihoon squeezes his hand. It's just a squeeze, what the fuck. "Of course I'm okay with it. And I'm sure Soonyoung will be, too. That dumbass needs a break from hogging the TV all day."

"8 o'clock at mine and Wonwoo's place, okay?"

Jihoon makes a face. "You mean, in the evening. Right?"

"Obviously." Rolling his eyes amusedly, Junhui adds, "Christ, Jihoon. I'm not a masochist."

And Jihoon laughs, the kind that's carefree and loud as it rings throughout the desolated sidewalk. Too soon, they arrive at the other boy's dorm, the ghost of his touch lingering on Junhui's hand.

"So," Jihoon starts. "I guess this is goodnight?"

Junhui swallows and deliberately doesn't think about how nice Jihoon looks under this shitty lighting. "Yeah. I- I had a great time today."

"Me too." A pause, before Jihoon flashes him a small grin. "I'll see you tomorrow?"

Well, shit. Junhui's too young to die from heart attacks caused by too-cute boys with pretty lips and prettier eyes. He tries for a smile, ignoring the way his heart has cruelly decided it wanted all of Seoul to hear how loud it's beating. "Definitely."

And then Jihoon's standing on his tiptoes, reaching up and gently placing his hands on Junhui's shoulders. He feels soft lips press against his skin, and Junhui doesn't even get the luxury of dwelling on it as Jihoon steps back as fast he leaned in, face reddening with every passing second.

He waves goodbye and closes the door behind him, making Junhui promise to call him when he gets home. It's only after five full minutes have passed does Junhui remove his hand from his cheek, walking back to his apartment with the feeling of Jihoon's lips burned into his skin.

In retrospect, Soonyoung should have said no. Declined the offer and said he was sick, or tired, or anything really if it means he didn't have to face this.

Because by the time he and Jihoon arrive at Junhui's place on Friday night, with Junhui pulling in Jihoon for a quick kiss on the forehead and leading him into the living room with their hands joined, the little thorn in Soonyoung's heart only continues to grow until it feels like he's suffocating.

Why does he feel like this? It's just Jihoon. He shouldn't be so bothered over Jihoon dating someone, even if the other boy has never shown any interest in it before. Especially when that someone is Junhui, who's funny and handsome and has a heart bigger than anyone Soonyoung's ever known.

Right?

"Hey," Seokmin whispers from beside him, gently nudging his arm and ripping him away from his thoughts. "Are you okay?"

Soonyoung nods. He swallows down all the hurt and turns to offer a smile to everyone in the room.

"I'm guessing we're playing Monopoly tonight?" he asks, looking down at the bright red boardgame on the floor and earning an excited whoop from Mingyu and a defeated groan from Wonwoo.

"I hate you," Wonwoo tells Junhui, the other boy laughing at his glare. "You know how much I suck at Monopoly. Couldn't you have picked something else?"

"I specifically picked this because you suck at Monopoly, you salty literature major," Junhui says with a teasing grin. He clasps his hands together and Jihoon laughs at his eagerness. Soonyoung tries not to stare at how their arms are pressed together. "Let's start, shall we?"

"I'll be the banker!" Mingyu exclaims, shooting his hand up in the air, only for Minghao to reach over and steal the piles of money away from him.

"No you won't," he says, pointedly avoiding the way his boyfriend pouts at him. "The last time you were the banker, you ended up teaming up with Junhui and did all sorts of things to make the rest of us go bankrupt." Minghao throws the two of them an accusing look. "I don't trust you accounting students."

Before Mingyu can even open his mouth to protest, Wonwoo clears his throat. "I second that," he cuts in, also ignoring the way Mingyu splutters at them both. "Let Seokmin be the banker or something."

It takes a minute, but Mingyu eventually agrees. Seokmin ends up going to jail five times in the next forty minutes, Minghao has to pay income tax thrice, and Soonyoung winds up going bankrupt, the second to lose right after Wonwoo. It's a surprise to everyone — he's almost always the one who wins the most, with the exception of Jihoon.

It's also Jihoon who stares at him disbelievingly when everyone else goes on with the game. "You're usually the one I face off against when everyone else has lost," he says with a shake of his head, earning a light chuckle from Junhui. "What happened?"

Soonyoung doesn’t want to admit that he was too distracted with the way Junhui and Jihoon have been cuddled up the entire time, Jihoon's hand atop Junhui's bare thigh. He's too ashamed of the way his thoughts had drifted to what it'd be like if Jihoon were touching him instead to focus much on the game, or that he couldn’t stop watching the way they whispered to each other casually, intimately, throughout the night.

He'd never felt more confused, more conflicted in his entire life. What's wrong with him?

“I must be more unlucky than I thought.” The lie passes through his teeth too easily. He smiles weakly and adds, "Guess that just gives you a bigger chance to win, huh?"

He half-expects Jihoon to rightfully call him out on his bullshit, but instead the other boy seems to accept this without argument, and Soonyoung breathes out a silent sigh of relief. The rest of the game goes by smoothly, but by the time it’s finished and Minghao is mumbling bitterly about Jihoon's inevitable victory — “he majors in business, of course he’s going to win!” — Soonyoung decides he needs something to drink.

He heads for the kitchen and grabs for the can of beer he knows Wonwoo and Junhui to have ready in the fridge, not realizing Wonwoo had followed him in there until he appears beside Soonyoung with a handful of chips, taken from the bowl that had been sitting on the coffee table where they played.

An easy silence settles between them, him and Wonwoo perched on the kitchen's countertop with Wonwoo's free hand settling on his shoulder.

“So,” Soonyoung starts, trying to sound casual and failing spectacularly. He clears his throat, nodding towards the living room, where the couple of the night are currently entangled on the couch. “Jihoon and Junhui. That kinda came out as a surprise, didn't it?”

Apparently, it’s the wrong thing to say.

Wonwoo's hand on his shoulder recoils as if he'd been electrocuted, his smile faltering. He blinks a couple of times, harsh and quick, and Soonyoung can see the way his shoulders tense up.

He feels regret bubble up in his chest, and he's just about to apologize for bringing it up and change the subject when Wonwoo nods sharply.

“Yeah, it- It's great. They sure look happy, don’t they?” he asks, but there’s something off about his voice, something that Soonyoung picks up on immediately. Like he's speaking past a lump in his throat and forcing all the words out.

It's how Soonyoung's been speaking too these last few days, after all.

"They do look happy,” he agrees quietly, ignoring the own burning ache he feels. He watches the way Wonwoo's smile slowly morphs into a frown. Soonyoung doesn’t think he even realizes he’s doing it.

Wonwoo nods again. His eyes are glued to the way Junhui presses himself further into Jihoon's side, tipping his head back to laugh at something Jihoon had said. “Yeah. I- I’m glad Junhui moved on from that whole fiasco with his last girlfriend."

From the way the words come out of Wonwoo's mouth, it sounds like there should be a but after, but he snaps his mouth shut before he can say it. Still, Soonyoung thinks he can tell just by looking at his face. The rest of the sentence hangs unspoken between them, heavy and palpable.

But why did it have to be with Jihoon?

A week has gone by when Soonyoung calls him, just after Junhui's left for his fourth date with Jihoon.

("Aren't these pretty?" Junhui had asked with a smile, holding up a small bouquet of roses and tulips in his hand. "What do you think, Won?"

Wonwoo held up the flowers up to his nose, but he couldn't smell anything. "Jihoon will love it," he grinned, the words scraping up from some hollow place inside his stomach.)

"What's up?" Wonwoo answers, only for dead silence to be heard on the other end. He frowns. "Soonyoung?"

"Sorry, I just—" There's a muffled sound that sounds suspiciously like a choked sob, and Wonwoo thinks he feels his chest constrict. He hears Soonyoung suck in a shuddering breath, before he asks, "Are you free right now?"

Wonwoo knits his eyebrows together, worry filling his lungs. "I am," he replies softly. "Is everything alright?"

"No," Soonyoung huffs out a bitter laugh. "Yes. Maybe. I don't know, fuck—"

"Soonyoung," Wonwoo calls out gently, cutting the other boy off from saying any more. "What's wrong?"

There's a sharp inhale heard on the other line. It takes a few seconds, until Soonyoung asks, "Do you think we can meet up by the grocery store beside my place?"

Wonwoo nods furiously, forgetting that the other boy can't see him. "Yeah, just… just give me a few minutes. I'll be there, alright?"

Another pause, before Soonyoung says in a voice too quiet to be Soonyoung, "Thank you, Won."

He hangs up, and Wonwoo grabs for his jacket and heads towards the door. It takes him a minute longer than he expected, and by the time he's just around the corner from Soonyoung's dorm, his heart is pounding painfully against his chest to the point he thinks his ribs might actually bruise. Wonwoo doesn't know if it's from anxiety or from running.

He slows to a jog when he spots Soonyoung leaning against a street lamp. Soonyoung waves when he sees him, and Wonwoo crosses the last few metres of space between them to look the other boy straight in the eye.

"Okay," he breathes out, hands on his knees as he tries to get oxygen into his lungs again. Straightening, he asks, "What's going—"

"You like Junhui, don't you?" Soonyoung interrupts softly, effectively shutting him up and making his world tilt on its own axis.

 Wonwoo feels the blood drain from his face. "What?"

"You like Junhui," Soonyoung repeats. There's a look in his eye that Wonwoo can't quite interpret, or understand. "Right?"

Slowly, Wonwoo nods, swallowing back the chunk wedged torturously in his throat and forcing his voice to work. "Yeah, I do." He turns to Soonyoung, a weak smile plastered on his face. "How about we go sit down somewhere?"

He hands Soonyoung a bottle of soju they bought from the store. "How did you find out?" he asks, not looking at the other boy as he sits himself down on the wooden bench they found near the park a few blocks away.

Soonyoung shrugs, taking a swig from his drink. "I guess I've always had a feeling about it. Never really knew for sure until last week though."

"Oh," Wonwoo mumbles, fiddling with the bottle in his hands. Gulping down the last of his hesitation, he says, "What about you?"

He turns just in time to catch Soonyoung narrowing his eyes. "What?"

"You… You like Jihoon," Wonwoo states, chewing on his lip. "Don't you?"

Silence. He turns his head, only to see Soonyoung glaring at his hands. Wonwoo tries again. "Soonyoung?"

"I don't," Soonyoung spits out. His tone is too harsh, and Wonwoo flinches before he can stop himself. "I don't like Jihoon."

"It's okay to—"

"I said I don't like him!" Soonyoung snaps as he stands, glass shards from the bottle spilling onto the pavement. His hands are shaking. and there's a quiver to his lower lip that wasn't there before. "I don't—" he stifles down a broken cry, and Wonwoo feels something squeeze at his heart and making it hard to breathe. "I'm not gay, Wonwoo."

Wonwoo stands up too, once he realizes the bleeding cuts on Soonyoung's hands. "Soonyoung, wait—"

"What do I do, Won?" Soonyoung chokes out. "I'm not gay, I've never felt anything for other guys before, but… but why does it hurt so much to see Jihoon with someone else?"

He's crying, Wonwoo thinks faintly, shoulders trembling and breaths coming out in shaky, erratic gasps. Wonwoo tries to reach out for him, but Soonyoung stumbles back, pushing him away. 

"Jihoon looks so happy with Junhui," he mutters, eyes red and bright with unfallen tears as he looks up at Wonwoo. "What's wrong with me? I can't even look at Jihoon without feeling like I'm taking advantage of him. I don’t even know if it’s okay for us to be what we are now—’

"Stop it!" Wonwoo screams, pushing Soonyoung back against the bench. "Shut up! Stop saying that!"

"But it's true!"

"It's not true!"

"Then look me in the fucking eye," Soonyoung roars, "and tell me with complete confidence that what I feel isn't bad, that it isn't wrong, that it's not disgusting and perverted and fucked up—"

"It's not!" Wonwoo yells. He glares at him, his eyes still blazing, and Soonyoung breathes heavily and blinks against the new tears forming in his eyes.

"Liar," Soonyoung whispers.

"So are you saying that what I'm feeling is wrong too?" Wonwoo thunders, chest heavy with hurt. "That I'm disgusting, and perverted, and fucked up because I'm in love with Junhui?"

"But that's different!" Taking a step forward, Soonyoung clenches his fists, and stares at him with such intensity that, on any other circumstance, Wonwoo would have cringed back. "I keep having these… these thoughts of Jihoon, thoughts that I shouldn't be having over my best friend. And it feels so corrupt and sick, because I keep thinking of what it'd be like to hold him and touch him and run my hands over his body the way Junhui does—" Soonyoung stops and casts his eyes angrily to the side. "I'm so fucking disgusting."

"You're not disgusting!" And Wonwoo doesn't know if it's all the anguish and rage that takes over him then, because in the next second he's shoving Soonyoung to the ground, grabbing him by the collar of his shirt. "What you feel isn't wrong, Soonyoung!"

"I still sleep on his bed," Soonyoung whispers bitterly, wiping his eyes with the back of his hand. "Jihoon has Junhui, he has a boyfriend, but I'm still as selfish and pathetic as ever and I can't do anything about it or Jihoon would find out something's up."

"Soonyoung." Wonwoo's voice cracks a little there, but he pushes through. "Shut the fuck up and listen to me, okay? What you're feeling is valid and normal and is in no way selfish or corrupted. I've been there too, remember? Years ago." He wobbles as he gets up, but he offers Soonyoung a hand and smiles wanly when he takes it. "I understand how you feel, alright? You don't have to go through this alone."

Soonyoung sniffs, and is silent save for a few muffled sobs when he speaks again, "Fuck, I hate this. I'm sorry for getting mad."

"It's okay," Wonwoo says quietly. "I'm sorry too. For pushing you."

"I kinda deserved that, though."

Wonwoo elbows him lightly. "But honestly, Soonyoung, I know what you feel okay? Maybe not the exact same emotions but… " He drifts off, and sighs as he looks up at the dim night sky. "It's hard, isn't it?"

"Tell me about it," Soonyoung grumbles weakly. "I got drunk a few nights ago and had sex with this one girl." He turns to Wonwoo with a bittersweet smile. "I'm pretty sure I accidentally called her Jihoon's name."

Snorting tiredly, Wonwoo says, "I know it's a bit confusing and frustrating at first, with how you feel and everything, so call me if you need anything, okay?" When Soonyoung nods, he adds, "After all, Junhui's been kicking me out of our house lately so Jihoon could stay over, so I have lots of free time."

"I don't like sleeping in our room if Jihoon isn't there," Soonyoung admits under his breath. "You can stay over whenever, if you want."

"That'd be nice."

"We could cry and continue to have our hearts shattered together."

And Wonwoo laughs, in a way he hadn't been able to for the past week. It's broken around the edges, but he grabs for the two extra bottles he and Soonyoung had bought and hands over one to the other boy. Soonyoung takes it wordlessly.

Wonwoo raises his glass and ignores the throbbing sting within his ribs. "Cheers to being second best?"

"Yeah." Soonyoung smiles sadly, clinking his bottle against his. "Cheers to being second best."

It's a universally acknowledged truth that one day, Jihoon is going to snap and actually murder Soonyoung in his sleep.

"Where have you been?" he demands the second Soonyoung walks through their front door. "It's nearly 1 in the morning, and I came home to find the door unlocked, and—" He stops when Soonyoung faces him, eyes blinking in disbelief. "Your hands are bleeding. Why are they bleeding?"

Soonyoung's eyes are downcast. "I fell."

Bullshit, Jihoon thinks as he watches the other boy rummage through their top shelf for the first aid kid. Soonyoung pulls out the gauze and bandages, but he winces when it makes contact with his skin.

"Give it to me," Jihoon says softly. "I'll do it."

"Ji, you don't have to—"

"I'll do it," he insists, and Soonyoung stops, letting Jihoon take the materials from his hand. He drags Soonyoung over to the table, nudging him towards the seat and sitting on the other.

"Are you gonna tell me what happened?" he asks, pressing the cloth against Soonyoung's cuts. Soonyoung grimaces and shuts his eyes tight, and Jihoon tries to be gentler.

"You're surprisingly good at this," Soonyoung mutters. 

"I have to be." Jihoon decides to humor him before urging for answers again. "Especially because my best friend is the biggest dumbass known to mankind and kept falling and tripping when he was younger. I thought I was done with having to do this kind of thing every time you got a new bruise. Now—" he pauses, walking over to the countertop and filling a basin with warm water, placing Soonyoung's hands in it and staring at him square in the eye. "What happened?"

Soonyoung clenches his jaw. "I was with Wonwoo."

"What- Wonwoo did this?"

"No! Christ, I meant… " He sighs, and Jihoon's incredulity dissipates. "He was with me when I- I tripped and scraped my hands on the sidewalk."

Biting the inside of his cheek, Jihoon doesn't respond. He doesn't know who Soonyoung's trying to fool; he knows there's something Soonyoung isn't telling him. Still, he chooses to nod instead, and Soonyoung visibly relaxes when Jihoon drops the subject.

He covers up the last of Soonyoung's wounds with a bandage. "Thanks, Ji," the other boy says with a smile. Fake. Soonyoung stands up to leave, but Jihoon grabs him by the wrist, staring hard at the tabletop.

"You weren't home last night," he says. He can almost feel the way a frown starts to pull on Soonyoung's lips. "And the night before that. You… " Jihoon exhales lightly. "Where do you go when I'm over at Junhui's?"

"Oh, is that it?" Soonyoung laughs, and it seems like all his usual loud, happy laughs, but this one sounds almost… wrong. "I go out too, Ji. I meet other people, and I get to know them, and, well—" He throws Jihoon a crooked grin. "Things escalate from there."

Jihoon isn't sure if the slight twinge in his heart is his imagination or not. He imagines Soonyoung with someone else, in someone else's bed, and almost immediately recoils from the mental image. He feels his insides freeze, shatter, and then freeze together again all wrong.

"That's- That's gross, Soonyoung," he manages to get out. "I didn't need to know that."

Soonyoung scoffs. "Your fault for asking."

Jihoon hesitates, before he questions again, "Have you met anyone interesting?" He cringes at his choice of words, before telling himself to get his shit together.

"There was this one girl." Soonyoung turns his back to him and stretches his arms over his head, the old navy sweater Jihoon's been pestering at him to give up already riding up his midriff and exposing the slightest strip of skin. "Anyways, Ji, I'm gonna clean up and turn in for the night." He looks back once to offer an odd smile. It doesn't reach his eyes. "It's late, isn't it?"

"Yeah." Jihoon ignores the sinking feeling blossoming in his core. "I'll catch up with you in a moment."

He watches Soonyoung walk into their bedroom, trying to figure out the tightness in that smile.

Almost two weeks have passed since then. He's in the skating rink with Junhui today, because the burning weather has been absolutely torturous lately and Jihoon needs a much-needed break from all that sun. 

"Hey," Junhui says, settling himself beside him on the bench. He hands Jihoon a slushie. "You feeling okay?"

Taking a sip from his drink — strawberry, Jihoon thinks fondly, his favorite — he tries for a smile, "Yeah. Thanks."

Junhui hums in acknowledgement, but there's a furrow in his brows and Jihoon knows something's bothering him. He gently prods the other boy with his shoulder. "What about you? Is everything okay?"

"Jihoon," Junhui says instead, turning to face him. "Am I doing this whole dating thing correctly? I can't help but think that… you'd rather be somewhere else right now."

Jihoon nearly drops his drink. His head swivels, blinking in shock. "What? No, Jun, I- That's not it. You're just as amazing as a boyfriend as you are as a friend."

Junhui doesn't look too convinced. He rubs a thumb over his knuckles, and he says in a voice just above a whisper, "I don't know why, but I find myself missing you even though you're right beside me. You've been acting… kinda distant lately."

"I'm sorry if I seem distracted," Jihoon apologies quietly. "There's just something on my mind."

"Will you tell me what it is?"

He contemplates for a split-second, before admitting, "It's Soonyoung. He's been weird recently and I can't help but think it's my fault."

Concern paints Junhui's face. "What do you mean?"

"He—" Jihoon inhales sharply. "He's been avoiding me. It's like… he's uncomfortable when I'm around. He's barely home nowadays, always going out at late hours of the night and coming back the next morning smelling like cheap alcohol." He looks up and wills himself not to cry in this very public place, with his very loving boyfriend, his slushie freezing in his hands. "I'm worried for him."

"I'm sure he's fine," Junhui reassures soothingly. "And you're his best friend, Jihoon. I doubt he's avoiding you, or feels uncomfortable around you." He wraps an arm around Jihoon's shoulder, and Jihoon tries to lean into the touch. "He'll talk to you if something's wrong. Trust me."

"Yeah." Jihoon swallows and lets Junhui engulf him in a hug. "Thank you, Jun."

"Don't you dare spill any of that drink on me," Junhui jokes with a light laugh. "This is my favorite shirt."

Jihoon glares up at him with a half-hearted scowl, but all Junhui does is giggle endearingly. He cups his hands over Jihoon's cheeks then, leaning down and pressing a soft kiss against his forehead.

"I really like you, Jihoon," he mutters, breath hot against Jihoon's skin.

Sniffling, Jihoon huffs out a breathy laugh. "Christ, Jun," he says under his breath, waving aside thoughts of slanted eyes and sideways smiles and the smell of tequila on his bed. "Have I ever told you how amazing you are?"

"Wonwoo?" Junhui calls the second he arrives home. Shoving his shoes aside, he looks up to see Wonwoo emerging out of their room, clearly dressed for going out, a backpack slung over his shoulder.

Junhui blinks. "Are you… Are you going somewhere?"

"Yep," Wonwoo replies. He says it too fast. "The library."

"Again?"

"Yes, again." The shadow of a half-smile dances on his lips. "I've got a few more assignments to catch up on."

"Oh," Junhui mumbles. He remembers what Jihoon's said about Soonyoung barely being home, and wonders if the same thing is happening to him and Wonwoo. "Will you be back in time for dinner?"

Wonwoo hums thoughtfully, before shrugging his shoulders. "I'm not sure. If I'm not back by 7, you can go ahead and eat without me, okay?"

Junhui worries his bottom lip, waiting for a second before he asks. "Are you avoiding me?"

This time, it's Wonwoo to blink in surprise. He smiles. "Of course not. What makes you think that, Junnie?"

Shrugging helplessly, Junhui sighs. "Nevermind. Just… don't overwork yourself or anything, alright? You can talk to me if there's something bothering you, you know that right?"

"I do." Another smile, but it's off. "I'll get going now, okay?"

Junhui nods. He watches Wonwoo's retreating figure and wonders why it's suddenly so hard for him to breathe.

Wonwoo isn't back by 7. Or 8. Or 9.

It's a quarter past 10 when he finally comes home, slithering into their room and silently taking off his clothes.

Junhui lets out a little sound at the back of his throat, and Wonwoo freezes in the darkness.

"Jun?" he calls out softly. "Sorry, did I wake you?"

Junhui grunts in response. "Was already awake."

A pause. And then, Wonwoo asks in that same soft voice, "Did you eat?"

"I did. But it's lonely without you."

Sighing tiredly, Wonwoo says, "I'm sorry for coming back so late. I met someone at the library."

"Oh." Junhui pushes back the uncomfortable strain growing within his ribs. "Was she pretty?"

"Maybe. She wasn't really my type."

Junhui makes an affirmative noise and decides to stop asking so many questions. He doesn't think of the way his chest tightens and his throat feels like it's been clogged. He doesn't think of Wonwoo with some nameless, pretty girl, like all the other perfect, straight couples out there. He doesn't think of how Wonwoo looked at that moment, his shirt gone, pale skin almost glowing under the moonlight.

Junhui doesn't think of any of these things. He tries to fall asleep.

It's not until 1 in the morning when he finally feels hot, wet tears falling freely past his cheeks.

Junhui tries to believe he's happy. He wants to believe it. He's happy with his boyfriend, but there's something, a nagging little prick, that hasn't been sitting right with him in the back of his head lately.

He figures it out the next time Jihoon stays over for the night.

"So… " Wonwoo starts, smiling weakly when Soonyoung pulls out the stool beside him and plops down on it. "How're things going at your end?"

"Horrible," Soonyoung scoffs, twirling the straw of his drink around his finger. "I just- I'm still wrapping my head around the fact that I'm not completely—" he sighs and buries his face in his hands— "straight."

"You don't have to label yourself as anything if you don't want to," Wonwoo replies gently, and Soonyoung exhales another sigh.

"I feel awful, Won," Soonyoung confesses, frowning at the plastic cup in his hands. "I feel like a piece of my heart shatters and shrivels every time I see them together."

From beside him, he hears Wonwoo take in a shaky breath. "I know what you mean," he says, exhausted. "Junhui brought Jihoon over again last night. I couldn't even bring myself to be in the same room as them for five minutes without feeling like my lungs might collapse. I made up some excuse, in the end— said I was going to stay over at Seokmin's or something. Sometimes I wonder if it'd be easier for me if I just moved out."

"I get that," Soonyoung swallows, before forcing out a choked laugh. "Fuck. I feel like I'm being… possessive over Jihoon. I hate being this way."

Wonwoo glances at the ceiling and breathes out a sigh. "Yeah," he whispers. "Tell me about it."

"Do you want anything?"

Soonyoung frowns, shifting his phone to his left ear and tipping his head back on the couch. "What?"

"I'm in the mall right now," Jihoon explains, and a rustle is heard on Jihoon's side of the call before he speaks again. "Do you need anything for me to buy?"

"Nothing in particular," Soonyoung replies after a pause. "Wait. Why are you in the mall? You rarely ever go there because of all the crowds."

He hears Jihoon laugh, a sharp, beautiful sound that travels straight to Soonyoung's core. "God, Soonyoung, I'm nineteen. I can handle something as mere as a big crowd."

"Are you sure?" Soonyoung asks playfully, almost on instinct. "You might get lost. Hell, can you even see five feet ahead of you? Because, you know, you're short—"

"I will obliterate you," Jihoon deadpans, and Soonyoung fights a smile. It's genuine this time, unlike all the other smiles and grins he's been giving Jihoon these past few weeks. He can almost believe that everything is alright between them again. That Jihoon and Junhui aren't dating.

He forces down the bile lodged in his throat and tries for a snort. "Can you even reach my neck, Ji? Probably not, since you're dead built like a baked bean."

"A baked bean?" Jihoon asks incredulously. "Seriously, Kwon?"

Feeling his lips quirk upwards, Soonyoung hears Jihoon scoff into the phone. "I hate you. I can literally hear you grinning."

"You know me so well, Ji."

"Too well," Jihoon grumbles. "And because I know you so well, I know for a fact that there's a high probability you're gonna skip dinner tonight. I might be back late, okay? So don't wait up and make sure you eat."

"Are you telling me to cook? Me, of all people?"

"I never said anything about cooking. I do not want a repeat of last Christmas, thank you very much." Soonyoung bites back a smile, almost making out the way Jihoon shudders. "Order yourself some pizza or something."

Soonyoung sighs dramatically, even when there are certain words sitting right on the tip of his tongue. He says instead, "How heartbreaking it is to see the lack of trust my best friend has in me."

He imagines Jihoon rolling his eyes. "Seriously, Soonyoung. Stop skipping meals."

"How do you know I'm skipping meals when you're always with Junhui?"

"A gut feeling, I guess." Muted noises make their way into Soonyoung's ear at the other end of the line. "Make sure you eat, alright? I'm gonna get going now."

"Wait, Ji," Soonyoung calls out, just before Jihoon hangs up.

"Yeah?"

"Will you… " He trails off, and tries to gather whatever conviction he has left. "Will you be home tonight?"

Jihoon hums in thought. "I guess so, yeah. Junhui's feeling kinda tired lately. Sad, almost. Which is why I'm here in the first place — so I could buy him something." He pauses, and Soonyoung holds in a breath. "Don't say anything. I'm buying stuff for you and Wonwoo too."

"Oh." Soonyoung tries to get his hands to stop shaking. "Okay, then."

"Yeah, so… I'll hang up now, alright?"

A second passes, and another, but Jihoon doesn't hang up. He waits on the other end of the line, before letting out a short sigh. "I feel like there's something you're not telling me."

"Jihoon."

"Yes?"

Soonyoung forces down a silent, trembling breath and stares hard at his lap. "I think I'm in love with you."

Jihoon calls him thirty times in the next two hours. Soonyoung wants to ignore every single one of them.

But this is still Jihoon, after all, and Soonyoung finds himself playing the sixth voicemail Jihoon left him before he can even yell at himself to stop.

"I'm still your best fucking friend, Soonyoung." Jihoon's voice is hoarse and unsteady, the way Soonyoung knows it to be when he's cried for too long. "So quit being such a fucking dumbass and come home already. It's late and I have no idea where you are and Wonwoo won't tell me anything and—" His voice cracks, and Soonyoung feels weighed down with guilt. "Just… come back, you bastard. You have to explain a couple of things to me or I'm gonna start throwing your stuff out the window." 

"Here," Seokmin says once the voicemail ends, offering him a glass of water. Soonyoung takes it and chugs it all down in one go.

"Thank you," he says, unable to meet Seokmin's questioning gaze. "And I'm sorry too, for hiding myself in here so suddenly."

"I don't mind," Seokmin smiles, sitting beside him. "Although, I think I deserve an explanation. Did you and Jihoon get into a fight or something?"

"I—" Soonyoung bites the inside of his cheek. "I told him I love him."

Seokmin's eyes are fixated on the glass in his hands. "Oh."

"You don't sound so surprised."

"No, it's not that. It's just—" Seokmin pauses, before letting out a long breath. "I had my suspicions."

Letting out a dry laugh, Soonyoung asks with tears stinging his eyes, "That I wasn't straight?"

"It's nothing to be ashamed of, Soonyoung," Seokmin puts in gently. "And it's not like I always knew. But when Junhui and Jihoon started dating, then… "

He doesn't finish his sentence, but Soonyoung gets the jist of it. He sighs into his hands. "There goes eleven years of us being together down the drain."

"Don't say that," Seokmin chides. "You know Jihoon won't push you away because of this. He cares for you more than you think, Soonyoung."

"The worst thing is," Soonyoung huffs bitterly, "I can't stop thinking of how Junhui would feel once he finds out. I mean, Jihoon and I live together, and it's all such a mess because of me and… " He lets his eyes fall shut, feeling teardrops spill on his jeans. "I feel so horrible for ruining everything."

Seokmin stays quiet and shakes his head. He doesn't say anything besides that, and Soonyoung is grateful for it. He'd rather not hear empty words from anyone at the moment.

It's after a few moments have passed when Seokmin speaks up again. "I'm not gonna tell you what to do, or what to say," he starts slowly. "But I will tell you this: Jihoon, Wonwoo, Junhui… they all care for you. You guys have known each other for so long, and I may not be as close to them as you are, but at least I can say with full confidence that the three of them won't love you any less after this."

Soonyoung sniffs and lets out a shuddery exhale. "How do you even know that?"

"I just do." Seokmin shoots him an odd, knowing smile. "Instinct, maybe?"

Casting his eyes to the ceiling, Soonyoung swallows hard. "I'm scared of going back."

"I know you are. But it's even scarier to not go back and leave all of this as it is, isn't it?"

Jihoon calls again. Soonyoung doesn't answer, but in the end, he thinks he knows what he should do.

"You've been second-guessing yourself for a whole day now, Soonyoung. Jihoon's been worrying his ass off wondering when you're gonna talk to him again. I think he's starting to get gray hairs."

"Oh, Lord," Soonyoung groans, rubbing a hand down his face. "I just- How am I supposed to approach this whole topic? 'Oh, sorry Ji, I recently found out I'm actually bisexual and I might have been crushing on you for the longest time now but was too dumb to realize, and now I've fucked everything up and ruined things with your boyfriend, who's also my best friend'?"

Wonwoo hesitates. "When you put it that way… "

"What am I supposed to do, Won?" Soonyoung asks, more like a rhetorical question than anything. "I don't—" He pauses, before turning to Wonwoo with wide, alarmed eyes. "Wait a minute, does Junhui know? That- That I like Jihoon?"

Something stabs at Wonwoo's gut at the mention of Junhui's name. He shakes his head. "I haven't told him yet, and neither has Jihoon." Chewing on his lip, he adds, "I feel like I missed my timing to tell him."

Soonyoung groans again, louder than the first. "I am literally the worst person on this Earth."

"You're not," Seokmin asserts, joining them at the table. "Also, I really wish you guys could give me a heads-up before barging in here."

The last part was directed at Wonwoo, and he blinks before offering Seokmin an apologetic smile. "Sorry."

"Like I said, it's fine," Seokmin says. "But a little heads-up next time?"

"Definitely," Wonwoo grins.

"I am having the biggest crisis of my life," Soonyoung interjects, looking back and forth between them both, "and you guys are flirting."

Seokmin looks appalled. Wonwoo can't say he looks any better. "We're not—"

"Yeah, yeah, I was kidding. Geez," Soonyoung mumbles with a fond roll of his eyes. "Wonwoo over here is too in love with Junhui to even notice anyone else."

"Like you're any better!" Wonwoo protests, feeling a hot flush creep up to his neck. He fights it back.

"Wait a minute." Seokmin makes a time-out gesture with his hands. "So I was right?"

Shit.

Swallowing down a dry cough, Wonwoo slowly turns to the other boy, barking out an awkward laugh. "What do you mean?"

"You—" Seokmin's eyes widen, and Wonwoo wants to slap himself. And Soonyoung. "You like Junhui. I always kinda guessed, but now—"

"And here I was thinking I was doing amazing in obscuring my hopeless pining," Wonwoo cuts in, light-heartedly glaring at Soonyoung. "For real though, does everyone know I like Junhui?"

"Not everyone," Soonyoung says with the smallest smile. "Junhui doesn't."

"Thanks for the reassurance."

"Any time," Soonyoung says pleasantly. He clasps his hands together. "Now, do any of you know how the fuck am I supposed to talk to Jihoon after this?"

Seokmin pats him on the back consolingly. "Just talk to him."

"Let it all out," Wonwoo adds.

"Be honest with how you feel."

"You guys are terrible," Soonyoung sighs, but he shoots them both the start of a tiny grin. "But thank you. For hearing my pathetic ass rant about my pathetic problems."

"Any time," Wonwoo repeats sweetly. Soonyoung smacks him on the arm, but he watches as Soonyoung gets up a few minutes later, waving and thanking them for everything and promising he won't burrow himself anywhere if things don't go well, and Wonwoo knows he'll be okay.

He wishes he could say the same for himself.

When he arrives back home, Junhui is waiting for him on the couch.

"Were you… were you with Soonyoung?" Junhui asks, but it's not like the tone Wonwoo knows him to have. It's hesitant, almost.

"Yeah." He tries not to meet Junhui's eyes. "Seokmin, too."

"Oh." There's a long pause before Junhui speaks up again, but something's wrong. His voice is quavering at the edges, and there's a tenseness to his shoulders that Wonwoo hasn't noticed a few seconds back. "You've been spending a lot of time with Soonyoung lately, huh?"

"Junhui," Wonwoo says instead, a frown crossing his lips. He steps forward, crouching to meet Junhui's gaze. "Are you okay?"

Junhui doesn't look at him. Wonwoo pushes down the lump forming in his throat and tries again.

"Jun," he presses carefully. "What's wrong?"

Shaking his head, Junhui mumbles, "It's nothing. I- I'm being stupid."

"Junhui."

"No, really, Won, I'm fine!" He says it with the biggest grin, but it's too strained, too false. "I just got worried there for a second."

"Worried? About what?"

There's a crack in Junhui's composure when the question leaves Wonwoo's mouth, but he regains it too soon. "Well," he says with a flip of his hand, "of course I was worried about you always going out this past few weeks, but knowing that you're with Soonyoung—" He flashes Wonwoo a sideways smile, but his eyes say something else entirely. "Now I've got nothing to worry about."

Pursing his lips, Wonwoo opens his mouth, to ask for more and wonder what it is that Junhui's not telling him. But Junhui stands up before he can, stretching out his back and sparing Wonwoo a single glance.

"Do you want takeout for lunch?" Junhui asks. "There's this new Chinese place I wanna try."

"Sure," Wonwoo replies slowly, watching as Junhui grabs for his wallet on the shelf. "Want me to come with?"

"It's fine," Junhui says, too fast, and it aches. "It won't take long."

"Oh." Wonwoo nods as Junhui squats down to put on his shoes. "Okay."

He doesn’t let the tears fall until he’s sure Junhui’s closed the apartment door behind him. 

"Well," Jihoon starts dryly, but it's ruined with the way his eyes are horribly red and he can't for the life of him get his lower lip to stop quivering every few seconds. He crosses his arms, boring holes into Soonyoung's head. "Look who's here."

Soonyoung laughs nervously and darts his eyes around the room. "Yeah. Um. Hi, Ji."

"Don't fucking 'Ji' me," he spits, but it comes out like more of a croak. The other boy flinches at his tone, but Jihoon manages to catch the guilt crossing his face before Soonyoung's eyes become hell-bent on studying the tile pattern of their floor. "Explain."

It's barely there, but Soonyoung winces, and Jihoon swears he's never seen Soonyoung look so small. 

It hurts him more than he wants it to.

"Look, Ji," Soonyoung starts quietly, under his breath. "I'm really sorry. For everything. You're already dating Junhui, but I was insensitive and inconsiderate and chose to say what I said despite knowing that. I don't want things to be ruined between the both of you because of me, and I—' He trails off, before letting out a slow, shaky exhale. "I understand if you want me to move out, or if you don't want to live with me anymore after what I did."

"Soonyoung." Jihoon grits his teeth. "You are literally the biggest fucking dumbass alive."

Soonyoung looks so startled to hear that from him right now that his mouth falls open in silent shock. "I- Huh?"

Pining the other boy with his gaze, Jihoon continues, saying, "I don't even know if I should laugh or cry. But I think I'd be better off laughing, because I've already cried for hours on end last night thanks to a certain someone."

"Ji, I'm really sorry—"

"Wait," Jihoon interjects, holding up a hand. "You can talk again in a bit, but I have questions I need answered or I might actually go insane."

Soonyoung hesitates. "What kind of questions?"

Jihoon takes one, long look at the boy in front of him, before signing through his nose and running a hand through his hair. "Did you mean it?" he asks, voice quiet.

"Mean what?"

"The… The thing that you said. On the phone."

"Oh," Soonyoung breathes softly, looking away again. "Of course I did."

"Soonyoung… " It's taking every ounce of Jihoon's strength to force himself back, to stay rooted to his place on the couch and not run to him, to not reach out and touch Soonyoung's hair the way he does every time they're on his bed. Once again, he chews his lip to stop it from trembling. 'You're not- You're not straight?"

"I guess not," Soonyoung replies bitterly. His smile is too forced. Jihoon hates that smile.

He takes in another breath. "And you—" Love, he wants to say, but he bites his tongue— "like me?"

"I do. I really, really do, Ji." Soonyoung shakes his head. "But I don't want my feelings for you to stop what you have with Junhui."

"Soonyoung? You're the absolute worst, you know that?"

A dejected, defeated look falls on Soonyoung's face. "I know— "

"The absolute worst… " Jihoon continues, finally getting up and striding towards the other boy. Even when he's right in front, Soonyoung still refuses to look at him. Jihoon's always hated the height difference Soonyoung has on him, but now, when he's just the right height to see the tears threatening to spill unto Soonyoung's cheeks, he doesn't mind it at all. He sighs, and reaches up to brush a thumb beneath Soonyoung's eyelids. "For not knowing that, no matter what happens, I wouldn't trade living with your stupid, annoying ass for anything in the world."

Soonyoung blinks, and his tears drip onto Jihoon's hand. "Even now? Even after what I said? You don't care that I… "

"Of course I care," Jihoon interrupts, roughly. "How could I not? It's you, Soonyoung, and the world could crash and burn for all it matters and you'd be the first person I want to see okay. We've known each other since we were eight. It doesn't matter how hard I try, you'd always be first." He flutters his eyes close; there's still too much space between them, and he finds himself leaning into Soonyoung's chest, forehead bumping just where Soonyoung's heart is. "You've grown to be far more important to me, and I hate you for even thinking otherwise."

"But… " Soonyoung stumbles, his arms reaching up to wrap itself around Jihoon like it's second nature. "But Junhui… "

"You're my best friend, dumbass," Jihoon croaks out, but even to him, it doesn't sound right. There should be more than that, but he doesn't know what.

Soonyoung laughs, a little unsteady, but it's a shadow of his usual laughs that Jihoon had grown to be frustratingly fond of. "Still. I'm sorry again, Ji."

"Stop apologizing."

"Right. Sorry."

"Soonyoung."

And it's later that night when Soonyoung climbs into his own bed like he did all those weeks ago, and Jihoon finds himself stopping him before he can even think twice.

"Are you sure?" Soonyoung hesitates, fumbling with his hands and teetering off the side of his bed. He gestures at Jihoon's side of the room. "You're okay with this? Me sleeping on your bed?"

Jihoon clenches his jaw and looks Soonyoung straight in the eye. "Why wouldn't I be?"

Soonyoung stares at him back like he's grown a second head. "Because… " he starts, slowly, as if he's explaining something to a toddler. Jihoon wants to whack him. "I like you. Like, more than you think. But you're dating Junhui. Who's our best friend." He runs his tongue across his lower lip. "I don't feel too good about this."

"It's not like you're gonna do anything to me, are you?" Jihoon asks, cocking a brow. 

That gets Soonyoung's attention. There's the faintest pink on the tips of his ears, but he shakes his head. "Never."

"Then, unless you really don't want to," Jihoon says through a sigh, "we can still continue being… you know, normal. Isn't that what you wanted?"

"Yeah, but… " Soonyoung bites his lip. Jihoon really wishes he would stop doing that so much. "Okay, but if you change your mind, tell me immediately, alright?"

Rolling his eyes, Jihoon huffs, "You worry too much, Kwon."

A few minutes later, with the lights shut off and the soft ticking of their clock lulling them into a kind of stillness, does Jihoon feel his heartbeat turn thunderously loud. He can feel Soonyoung, ridiculously tense, beside him, and Jihoon pokes at his side to get him to loosen up.

"Stop worrying," he mutters. "I'm okay with us being like this."

"I see that," Soonyoung replies, just as quiet. "But is Junhui okay with it?"

Jihoon doesn't have an answer for that.

He's not sure how long he's been out, but he stirs awake when he feels Soonyoung toss and turn from beside him, restless.

Jihoon glances at the digital clock by his bed. 2:16 pm.

"Is something wrong?" he asks groggily, shifting a little on the mattress.

"No," Soonyoung replies. And then, "Sorry for waking you up."

"S'okay."

Shutting his eyes once more, Jihoon waits for the exhaustion to wash over his body, but his efforts on trying to drowse off are cut short when Soonyoung's voice rings out in the darkness of their room.

"Ji?"

"What."

"Can I tell you a secret?"

Fluttering his eyes back open, Jihoon stares up at Soonyoung sleepily, fighting back a yawn. "Can I stop you from telling me?"

Soonyoung laughs, his eyes crinkling at the corners. Jihoon can't help but stare at the way it looks so sad. "I guess not," Soonyoung says softly, reaching down to brush flyaway strands of hair from his forehead. Surprisingly enough, Jihoon doesn't feel the need to smack him away. Definitely the sleep-deprivation getting to him. "Does that mean I can tell you?"

Jihoon sighs, but shrugs a shoulder anyway, using a hand to rub his eyes. "Honestly, your secrets scare me sometimes." Offering the other boy the start of a wry smile, he inches upward on the bed so their gazes meet and he isn't drowning under their shared blanket. "But, by all means, tell me."

Soonyoung heaves a light exhale at that, before meeting Jihoon square in the eye. He looks so vulnerable, under the peaks of moonbeams spilling from his window, hair tousled and eyes sleepy and so—

Beautiful.

Something unfamiliar starts to settle deep somewhere in Jihoon's gut.

"You know," Soonyoung starts, turning away from him and looking up at the ceiling, "You're so small, Jihoon — stop making that face, I'm not done yet — and ever since we were kids, it felt like I could carry you around with me everywhere. Usually, I find it so goddamn endearing, but sometimes... sometimes it hurts."

Jihoon frowns. He doesn't know if he likes where this is going. "Why?"

The older boy spares him a glance, but looks away just as quick, huffing out a tired laugh. "Because no matter how irritated you get, or how much you puff out your chest and scowl whenever I tease you, you just seem so tiny. I know you said all those things earlier but… your heart isn't big enough for both me and Junhui to fit in there, is it?"

There's a pause. A few excruciating seconds of tense silence, until finally, Soonyoung shakes his head, turning his back towards him. "Nevermind," he whispers, to the dark, and to a boy who can't for the life of him sort out his feelings. "Forget I said anything."

Jihoon sighs. "You have got to get yourself a new head, Soonyoung."

A minute passes, then another, and he's just about to assume the other boy finally fell asleep when Soonyoung says in a voice smaller than Jihoon's ever heard—

"Yeah. Maybe I should."

He's quiet after that, but Jihoon's thoughts are deafeningly loud, almost painful, and he turns to gaze at the window beside his bed, at the silvern moon waning bright above their heads.

Jihoon licks his lips and swallows down the dryness in his throat. "Soonyoung?"

"Hm?"

"The moon is beautiful, isn't it?"

Junhui comes across the tab by accident.

It's the first thing that pops up when he opens Google on Wonwoo's phone, because his was dead and charging and he desperately wanted a break from all the crowding doubts and turmoil he's been feeling so much lately before Wonwoo gets back from buying groceries. Apartment listings. 

A bedroom apartment up for rent next month.

He doesn't know how long he ends up staring at the site, but he's forcefully brought back to reality when he hears the door hinge open. "I'm back," Wonwoo greets, dropping the bags of groceries by the kitchen table. He frowns when he sees Junhui with his phone. "Hey, what are you—"

"You're moving out?" Junhui asks dazedly, blinking back his confusion. "You've been spending less time at home lately, and I tried not to worry too much but… " He stares up at Wonwoo. "Have I done something wrong?"

Wonwoo freezes like he's been slapped. "I- You shouldn't have—"

"Are you mad at me?"

"No," Wonwoo breathes out after a heartbeat's pause. "No, of course not, Junhui."

"Then… " Junhui swallows thickly and gestures at Wonwoo's phone. "Why?"

Chewing on his bottom lip, Wonwoo takes a seat on the couch beside him, bringing his knees up to his chest. "I don't want to get in the way of you and Jihoon every time you bring him over. This is better for all of us, isn't it?"

"Not for me," Junhui blurts out immediately, before he backtracks and adds, "I mean, I won't let Jihoon stay the night here if you're not okay with it."

Wonwoo stares down at the floor. "That'd just make me a horrible friend."

"It won't," Junhui insists. "You live here too, after all. We all get busy and you might have to stay up late sometimes, so if you don't want Jihoon to come over for a couple of nights, then—"

"What if I never want him to come over?"

Junhui frowns. "What?"

"What if," Wonwoo starts, gripping at the hem of his shirt, "it kills me every time you bring Jihoon into your bed? What if I'm awful and insensitive and greedy, and I can't stop thinking of what it'd be like if it was me instead? What if, all I've ever wanted, was for you to love me like that?"

"Wonwoo—" Junhui reaches out for his hand, but Wonwoo pulls back.

"When you started dating Jihoon, I thought I'd be able to give up," he continues quietly, clenching and unclenching his fist the way he does when he's anxious. "And yet, for all the things I'm good at, I just can't seem to give up on you, Jun."

"You're kidding. Won, tell me you're kidding." Junhui bites his lip and nearly tastes blood.

"Never," Wonwoo huffs out with a shuddering laugh. "It's never a joke when it comes to you. It hurt like shit when I first realized. I was so confused, and scared, and it took some time before I finally got around to bottling everything up and acting normal again. But then… then there were times where I would feel the smallest flutter of hope that you might love me back. Like those times you took care of me when I had a fever, or handed me your hoodies when I felt cold, or held my hand or looked me in the eye for a moment too long" He runs a hand through his hair and laughs bitterly. "That was pretty stupid of me, huh?"

"Wonwoo, don't do this," Junhui pleads. "Quit messing around."

"I'm not." Wonwoo glances at the ceiling with a sigh. "The thing is… I've grown used to being the second option. With Soonyoung and Jihoon for example, I was never first when it came to them. And with my family, it's always my younger brother who my parents care for most. Even with classes, I study my ass off and stay up till the sun rises, but I'm never best."

Tears start to fall when Wonwoo blinks. He breathes out a quavering sigh, taking off his glasses and rubbing the skin around his eyes with his palms. "But with you, Jun, I never felt like a second option. I thought that maybe, I could win this time. Maybe I could be someone's first for once. I wanted to be the first person you turn to when you're worried, or hurt. I wanted to be the first to hear about the thing that's gotten you so happy and excited. I wanted to be your first kiss too, and be the friend you fell in love with. And I still want all those things, as selfish as it is."

A wet laugh slips from Wonwoo's lips. "You see, Jun, this whole time, I've watched you love someone else. I've watched how your hands wanted to hold, and how your legs wanted to chase after someone else. Like you'd forgotten that I've always been right here, beside you."

He shakes his head. "Because you love me — I know you do — but the fact that it's not in the way I love you is really…" Wonwoo licks his lips and lets out a breath. "I was thinking of finally telling you weeks ago, but then you told me that you like Jihoon and…" He looks at Junhui, eyes glistening with unshed tears. "I didn't know what to do. I'm so tired of pretending I'm not in love with you, Jun."

And Junhui stares in disbelief, eyes so wide they're going dry, and Wonwoo smiles sadly at the look on his face, right before his own twists up. His whole body curls inward, shoulders shaking with each heavy breath he takes. This is the part where Junhui would usually rush to Wonwoo's side, telling him everything was alright and he was here for him.

That's what Junhui would normally do, but he can't bring himself to move. He just keeps looking, but Wonwoo won't look at him back. It's in those few seconds of suffocating stillness that everything slides into place.

Junhui's hit with the strongest wave of nausea he's ever felt in his life. "How long…?" His jaw quivers. "Won, how long have you even—"

"I don't know," Wonwoo replies. "Since high school? Middle school?" He throws Junhui his biggest, fakest grin, but it's crumbling at the corners. Junhui's chest has grown so tight that it feels like his ribs are collapsing in on his lungs, making it impossible for him to breathe. "Maybe I've loved you from the start." Wonwoo's smile turns wobbly. "You were always there for me, Junhui. I couldn't escape it."

"I…" Junhui flounders, trying and failing to piece it all together in his head.

Wonwoo stands up and picks up his jacket. "Anyway," he says, voice wavering under the feigned cheerfulness, "I'm gonna get going now. I've got a bunch of stuff to do."

"But—" It's getting late; where would he go? Wonwoo hasn't even eaten dinner yet. It's too cold out, Junhui thinks vaguely. He should stay here.

"Later, Junnie," he waves, not looking back, before Junhui can even figure out what he has to say.

Then Wonwoo is gone, out the door of their apartment, and Junhui is left sitting alone in the living room, staring at the walls and feeling like the building is crashing down around him.

"Junhui?" Soonyoung asks in confusion, inching the door open the slightest bit more. "If you're looking for Jihoon, he isn't here—"

"Wonwoo," Junhui rushes out. "Is Wonwoo here?"

"No?" Soonyoung's frown deepens. "He's not with you?"

Junhui shakes his head and wills his tears not to fall. "He- He walked out and hasn't come back yet. He won't answer my calls, or reply to my texts, and it's been four hours and I tried not to worry but—"

"Jun. Junhui, it's okay," Soonyoung says quietly, carefully placing his hands on Junhui's shoulders in an effort to calm him down. "I need you to start from the beginning. What happened?"

"He—" He takes in a breath, praying for his lungs to work and for his heart to stop thudding so painfully against his chest. "We had an argument, and then he left, and I… I was wondering if he was here."

Soonyoung furrows his brows, but he doesn't press for more. "He hasn't said anything to me, either. But I think- I think you should leave him be for a while, Jun. Whatever argument you guys had, I have a feeling Wonwoo wants to be alone right now. To collect his thoughts and everything." Soonyoung pulls him in for a hug, and Junhui stifles a sob. "He'll be back, Junhui. I know he will."

"What if he won't?"

"Really, Jun," Soonyoung scolds lightly, voice gentle. "Wonwoo always comes back to you in the end, doesn't he?"

Junhui doesn't trust himself to speak, so he pushes back another threatening sob forming in his throat and nods.

"This is starting to feel an awful lot like déjà vu."

"Shut up, Kwon," Wonwoo says the morning after, but it's weak and tired and unsteady. His eyes have grown red and puffy from crying on Soonyoung's shoulder the whole night. Soonyoung exhales softly at the memory.

"He's waiting for you, by the way," he tells Wonwoo. "Has been since last night."

Wonwoo lets out a breath and runs his hand down his face. "I guessed that."

"You're gonna talk to him soon at least, right?"

"Of course I will," Wonwoo mutters. "Not like I have much of a choice."

"Now that's the spirit!" Soonyoung says with the biggest grin he can manage, slowly turning genuine when Wonwoo cracks the smallest of smiles.

It takes another two days, but Wonwoo thinks he's finally got enough courage in him to confront Junhui. Which is good, because as much as he loves Soonyoung, he was starting to get tired of being ambushed with seemingly inspirational pep-talks throughout the day.

And, frankly, he can't help but wonder whether Junhui's doing okay.

He's got this, he tells himself repeatedly on the walk to his apartment. It shouldn't be too hard.

And yet, all that is thrown out the window when Junhui flies open the door before Wonwoo even gets the chance to knock, his hand suspended in mid-air, the other boy looking like he hadn't slept since Wonwoo last saw him.

"Won," Junhui chokes out, staring at him like he can't believe he's here, before reaching out and trapping Wonwoo in his arms. "Fuck, I was so scared, and so worried, even though I shouldn't have been because Soonyoung called yesterday, but I couldn't help thinking you would hate me or something—"

"Jun, it's okay. I'm here," Wonwoo whispers softly, slowly untangling himself from Junhui's limbs. "Let's go inside first, alright?"

They do, and by the time they're seated, the knot in Wonwoo's gut has grown so much it's impossible to ignore. 

There's a long minute of stretched-out silence, the only sounds in the room being Junhui's trembling breathing and the roar of Wonwoo's pulse in his ears.

Junhui looks up, finally, chest heaving as he takes in a heavy breath. "Wonwoo, I- I honestly don't know what to think. About everything. It's all so confusing, and scary, but… " He swallows, and Wonwoo watches the way his eyes flicker back to his lap. "But I want things to be okay between us."

Wonwoo sighs mutedly after another grueling moment, when Junhui doesn't say anything else after that, even when the expression on his face says otherwise. "Yeah, it's- I know what I said was really… unexpected, but—" Wonwoo drifts off, choking back the words he wants to say and going for the safer, easier option instead. "I don't want to be awkward around you, of all people," he says softly.

Junhui blinks, which only causes tears to tumble down his cheeks. Hesitantly, he asks, "Are… are we cool?"

"Yeah." But there's so many things that Wonwoo wants to say, wants to ask, but Junhui is looking at him hopefully and Wonwoo pushes down the bile in his throat. He smiles. "We're cool, Junhui."

The words fall like stones to the bottom of a lake, heavy and final.

A week later, Jihoon gets a text from Junhui, asking him to meet up in the café a few streets away.

"Soonyoung?" he calls out, making his way towards the bathroom. He knocks on the door. "I'm going out for a bit, okay?"

He hears the shower stop running, and it's a few seconds of waiting when Soonyoung inches open the door and pops his head out. Jihoon's eyes follow the droplet of water running down Soonyoung's naked collarbone, watching as it dips down into his chest, before he forcefully wretches away his gaze and looks Soonyoung in the eye.

There's a red tint to his cheeks. "Going out where?" Soonyoung asks, mindlessly brushing a hand through his damp hair.

Jihoon swallows. "Junhui texted." Tentatively, he adds, "Is it okay with you?"

Soonyoung laughs. "I'll be fine, Ji. Go meet your boyfriend."

"He's not my—" Jihoon halts, immediately recoiling at his own words. He looks back to see Soonyoung staring at him with an expression Jihoon can't quite read, and he shakes his head and hopes Soonyoung didn't catch what he said. "Nevermind."

An uneasy silence settles among them, before Soonyoung asks, "Will you be back by tonight?"

"Hopefully," Jihoon answers without thinking, and instantly recedes. "I mean, possibly. I won't be gone for more than an hour."

"Oh." Soonyoung nods. "Okay."

Jihoon's out the door after that, the twist in his stomach tightening until it's more than unbearable.

"What's up?" Jihoon asks hesitantly, looking over at Junhui through his glass of lemonade.

"I've been thinking…" Junhui starts softly, closing his eyes. He opens them again when he's certain he's gathered his thoughts. "This- This isn't working out, is it?"

Jihoon freezes. "Jun—"

"Because I like you, I really do," Junhui says, "and I think you're awesome and amazing in every way, ever since we were younger, but…" His tongue sticks to the roof of his mouth. "But there's someone else who loves you more than I do. And I think you love him back, too."

Blinking furiously, Jihoon tries to speak up again, but Junhui shakes his head, stopping him.

"It's okay, Jihoon. I get it. Being with you these past two months was amazing. I loved every minute of it," Junhui whispers. He inhales long and hard, before adding, "But I think I've been thinking of someone else this whole time."

He glances up to see Jihoon's shoulders loosen by a margin. Almost like he's been expecting it. He smiles, soft and pretty, and asks, "Wonwoo?"

"Yeah." Junhui swallows. "Wonwoo."

Because Junhui's come to realize that, the first thing he thinks about when he wakes up in the morning, before realizing his need to piss and his horrible morning breath, is whether or not Wonwoo slept enough the previous night. Because this whole time, whenever Junhui's upset, or frustrated, or lonely, it's Wonwoo he wants to talk to first. And also because, whenever Junhui closes his eyes now, he imagines him and Wonwoo in their room on one bed with the other forgotten, the taste of Wonwoo's lips on his own.

He tries not to let his thoughts drift any further than that. Focusing back on Jihoon, he asks with a weak smile, "Have you always known?"

"Not always," Jihoon replies, taking a sip from his drink. "But recently I've realized that… whenever you held me, it felt like you were thinking of someone else." He chuckles lightly. "And I guess it didn't pass by me how you never kissed me on the lips."

Oh. Junhui feels himself falter. "Jihoon, I never even realized—"

Jihoon smiles comfortingly. "It's fine, Jun. I've done the same thing, haven't I?" He stops when he catches the look on Junhui's face, and immediately backtracks. "Wait, really? I did?"

"I mean," Junhui says, laughing nervously and rubbing his neck, "I kinda noticed how, whenever I say something like 'I like you', you never really said it back. And, uh—" He clears his throat, feeling heat on his cheeks as he averts his gaze. "You've been saying Soonyoung's name in your sleep."

"Oh my God," Jihoon breathes out. He buries his face in his hands, letting out a horrified groan, a faint scarlet tint peeking at the corners. "That was horrible and insensitive of me. What- Why did you never mention it until now?"

"I guess I was scared," Junhui admits. "Shit, we're bigger idiots than we thought, huh?"

"We really are," Jihoon agrees, letting out a sigh. He stands up then, stretching until his spine makes an audible pop, and Junhui follows suit. 

"So," Junhui grins sheepishly, holding out his arms. "Can we hug one last time? As boyfriends?"

Jihoon laughs. "You're such a nerd, Jun," he says, but he leans in anyways, and Junhui sighs into his hair, feeling Jihoon's body pressed against his.

Jihoon steps back, but Junhui holds his arms out once more. "Okay, great, now let's hug again," he says. Before Jihoon can question it, Junhui clarifies, "To us being back to friends. No hard feelings included."

"And to us now being ex-boyfriends, maybe?" Jihoon asks.

Junhui grins, even when the words sting just the tiniest bit. "And ex-boyfriends."

And when Jihoon steps back again with the beginning of a smile on his lips, Junhui's thoughts come home to his best friend, of fogged-up glasses and late night video game runs and beautiful, breathtaking smiles. A piercing throb pulsates through his entire body.

"Now, if you'll excuse me," Junhui tells Jihoon, "I have someone important I need to talk to."

He finds Wonwoo on the rooftop.

"Hi," he greets softly. Wonwoo smiles in lieu of an actual response, small, and a little bit sad, but real.

Junhui sucks in a long breath before he speaks again. Clearing his throat, he says as he glances at the night sky, "I broke up with Jihoon."

At that, Wonwoo swivels his head, the threat of new tears forming in his eyes and looking like his heart had just dropped to his stomach. "Junhui, I… "

He wavers, and Junhui wants to reach out to him and pull him close, but Wonwoo backs away, his head down and looking at nothing but the bustling city below them. "I'm so sorry. It's all my fault, and now I've ruined things between you and Jihoon when I had no right to—"

"Wonwoo," Junhui cuts in, gently raising his hands to the other boy's face and brushing a thumb across his cheek. "Will you listen to what I have to say first?"

It takes four heartbeats, but finally, Wonwoo nods.

Swallowing, Junhui looks directly into Wonwoo's eyes. They're a bit glassy, but now, knowing what he knows, Junhui lets himself look. At the lovely color of his eyes and the dip of his neck and the way the corner of his lips quivers as Junhui allows his hand to trail lower. The way his heart clenches is almost excruciating as he drags his fingers to trace the line of Wonwoo's jaw.

He lets his hand drop and settles his arms against the ledge of the roof instead. "Jihoon and I… " he starts, "we liked each other. It was nice, being with him, but—"

"But I want to continue living with you," Junhui continues, after a second's pause. "I want to eat breakfast, and lunch, and dinner with you, too. I want to wake up and see your face buried in a book, or whatever new game you're playing, and watch as the sunlight curves on your cheeks and your eyes shine with excitement. I want to sleep with you on the same bed under the same blanket and smell your weird vanilla scent with your back pressed against my chest." He glances at Wonwoo then, who's staring back at him with a sort of confused, flushed look that makes Junhui want to damn everything to hell and crash their lips together. "Because the thing is, I think I've wanted you from the start, but you were always by my side, so I never really realized."

"Junhui… " Wonwoo's exhale is loud, shuddering. "I- I don't understand—"

"I know I'm a few years too late," Junhui mumbles quietly. "And I know I've hurt you, and made you cry, and put you through all this pain that you will never, ever deserve. I guess what I'm trying to say is… thank you, for never leaving my side. I really, really, really like you, Wonwoo. Maybe even more than that. And most importantly—" He turns to look Wonwoo again, who's looking right back at him with drops of tears sliding down his cheeks and unto the ground— "I'm sorry."

Wonwoo's crying, but there's that beautiful, breathtaking smile on his face that Junhui swears he's got memorized. "It's okay, Junhui," he whispers. "Really."

"And I also want to apologize, for being such an idiot."

"Well," Wonwoo huffs out a wet laugh, "At least you know now."

"Yeah." Junhui tries for a smile. "But, I understand if I'm too late for this. I- I've hurt you, Won, and I don't want to make the same mistake again—"

Wonwoo shakes his head. "You won't," he says. Like it's a promise. "I know you won't."

"How can you be so sure?"

"Because you're you, Jun. After sticking to you for the last ten years, I think it's safe to say that I know you better than I know myself."

Junhui slips out a laugh, but he can't help the pull in his heart when he thinks of everything he's done. Sighing, he says, "But, truth be told, I'm a mess, Won. I think- I think I need a bit of time, just to gather my thoughts once more so I don't end up with any more regrets. I don't want to mess this up."

"That's okay." Wonwoo says it easily, softly, lips curving just the smallest of fractions. "I can wait. I'm good at that, remember?"

And Junhui reaches out tentatively, Wonwoo grasping his hand and lacing their fingers together, a slight tremble in his hands. Junhui stares at the other, engraving every line, every beautiful imperfection into his mind, and lets out a slow breath.

It's not enough, and they both let go at the same time only to collapse forward into each other, chests crushing together and feeling the dull thud of Wonwoo's heartbeat on his.

Junhui breathes in the feeling of Wonwoo's skin and feels something finally settle inside of himself. They slide into each other so perfectly, he thinks with a smile, arms around each other's neck and waist. Warmth unfurls from every point of contact and spreads slowly through his body, liquid and burning.

"Why me, Jun?" Wonwoo mumbles after a moment, breath warm against the shell of Junhui's ear.

There are several answers for that really, several and countless words waiting to be said at the tip of Junhui's tongue. But he swallows them back, because they have enough time and he can say it when this starts to feel real. He glances at the star-littered sky for one, brief moment, before burying his face and sighing into the curve of the other boy's body.

"You remind me of home," he whispers, a quiet prayer into the crook of Wonwoo's neck. "You always have. So no matter how far I let my thoughts wander, they always, inevitably, trail back home to you."

It’s a month later and Soonyoung is standing in Wonwoo and Junhui's kitchen again, munching on a handful of cookies. It feels a little like déjà vu from their last game night, when Jihoon and Junhui had started dating and Soonyoung had been too conflicted and focused on the two to pay attention to anything else.

This time, however, it's Junhui who stands next to him, the both of them watching in barely-concealed amusement as Jihoon and Wonwoo argue heatedly from where they're seated on the floor.

"What the fuck even is a tazone?" Jihoon yells exasperatedly, throwing his hands up in the air.

"It's Spanish for bowl!" Wonwoo counters, slamming his hand against the carpet. 

"Wha- How do you even know that?"

"I just do!"

"Spanish words don't count! They shouldn't count!"

"They're still words, Jihoon!"

“I didn’t think it was possible for anyone to get this intense over Scrabble, of all things,” Soonyoung muses with a grin, leaning against the kitchen's countertop.

Beside him, Junhui hums in agreement, stealing a cookie from Soonyoung's hand. “Do you think we should stop them?”

Soonyoung glances over at him. He's smiling fondly despite the growing chaos around them, a smitten look in his eye. If it was still a few weeks ago and Soonyoung didn’t know any better, he would think the look was directed towards Jihoon, that maybe Junhui still had some lingering feelings for him.

But Soonyoung does know better. “Why?” he asks, shooting Junhui a teasing smile. “Because you know that my boyfriend is right and yours is wrong?"

Junhui rolls his eyes with a huff. “Like Wonwoo said, Spanish words are still words. It should count."

"Fine, then!" They both hear Jihoon exclaim, grabbing for the letters on his rack and smacking them on the board, in a way too aggressive for something as mere as a game. It's adorable. "I'll just add 'oxyphenbutazone' to your 'tazone'."

"Fucking hell," Wonwoo curses, but there's the upward quirk to his lips as he stares at the word in a mix of awe and indignation. "What the everliving fuck is that?"

"It's a word, Won," Jihoon comments with a nonchalant wave of his hand. "Search it up." He sits back and smiles in smug satisfaction. Soonyoung wants to kiss him.

He and Junhui exchange a knowing look. “Whoever’s boyfriend throws the Scrabble board first buys lunch for all four of us tomorrow?” Soonyoung suggests, and Junhui grins all the way to the tips of his ears.

He reaches out and shakes Soonyoung's outstretched hand. “It's a deal."

i can't promise you very much.

the fragile side of love is the only side there is;

but i promise i i will love you until i stop loving you.

and when that happens, i'll start again.

— salma d.