Chapter Text
“You’re practically a hero! You’re definitely going to save somebody’s life.”
“Oh come on, let’s not get carried away. It’s just a stop sign.”
“Well, actually, I will get carried away if I wa-...”
x
Jen kept screaming her name, over and over, trying to get a response from the other woman. Her hands shakily caressed her beautiful face, now all covered in blood that seemed to be coming from a deep cut on her head.
“Come on, Jude. Please wake up, baby.” She tried to move to find her phone, but she couldn’t, she was stuck in her seat, unable to do anything more than scream for help.
Her vision was blurry and she felt like the whole world was spinning inside of her head. Despite that, she could distinguish a man’s silhouette walking towards the car. She screamed louder in efforts to get his attention.
“Call a fucking ambulance. She’s really hurt,” she said as the man got closer to them.
“I know she is,” he said as he stood next to the vehicle and opened the door on Judy’s side. “That was the idea, Jen.”
Her eyes focused on the man’s face as she started to distinguish his features. She felt her body tense as she realized that the man was Steve. Another rush of adrenaline kicked through her body as she tried to keep Judy safe from him. She wanted to move, to shelter her with her body and deny him access to her, but she couldn’t. She was helpless as she watched unbuckle the seatbelt from Judy’s frame and lift her limp body from the car seat.
“Don’t you fucking touch her you piece of shit!” she shouted as she felt her throat closing making her feel breathless. “Leave her the fuck alone!”
He let out a laugh that made Jen feel nauseous. “I told her I would find her and fucking kill her.” He turned around with Judy in his arms and walked away from the scene, disappearing into the periphery of Jen’s view, leaving her alone screaming Judy’s name.
“Judy!” she cried out as she woke violently from the dream. She was covered in cold sweat, her breathing fast and shallow. She kept her eyes closed, too afraid that she'd open them and realize it wasn't a nightmare.
A warm hand came to rest on her back as Judy sat on their bed, moving closer to her. “Honey, I’m here.” She started to rub comforting circles in her back, setting the pace for Jen’s breathing to even out. “We’re home, we’re safe.” She lifted her free hand to cup Jen’s cheek and slowly motioned for her to turn her face towards her. “Open your eyes, sweetie. It’s over now.”
Nearly two months had passed since the day of the accident and Jen seemed to be spiraling. Her nightmares were getting more frequent, and she had begun to have anxiety attacks during the day. The accident kept replaying in her head, always deviating from reality: sometimes the kids were in the car with them, sometimes she died, but the one that hunted her the most was the one where she lost Judy, where she was taken away from her. Perhaps it was her karma, if Judy was right and it actually existed, or perhaps it was just a fucking sick joke from the universe that had her trapped in a vicious circle of pain. Either way, it felt as if she could never be happy.
Now, every night was the same. They would go upstairs, make their way through their nightly routine and go to bed. Jen would hold Judy close to her, the weight of her body on hers keeping her anchored to reality, Judy's breath on her neck relaxing her with each warm exhale hitting her skin. Judy would trace patterns over Jen’s abdomen ever so slowly as she talked. She always chose bright topics; art, food, animals, books, crystals, astrology, anything that would keep Jen from thinking about the accident. And they would manage to fall asleep in the comfort of each other’s embrace, but no matter how much they hoped for it to last, they knew that sometime during the night the nightmares would come for Jen.
Jen opened her eyes to find bright brown eyes looking at her, full of love and compassion.
“Hey.” Judy’s voice was soft and sweet, greeting her into reality once again. “See,” she gestured with her free hand over the bed, “it’s over, you’re home.”
Jen could feel the rush of adrenaline subsiding, replaced by a wave of anguish and rage. “I’m so fucking tired, Jude,” she confessed as she let her body crumble into Judy’s.
“I know you are, I know.” she said, rocking her slowly.
It was exhausting; living in fear was making her so fucking tired. She couldn’t sleep for more than three hours at a time. She couldn’t relax, she couldn’t work or go for a run without her mind constantly playing “what if” scenarios. But what was even more tiring was pretending that everything was fine. She was faking it for society, for her kids, even for Judy. She was determined to go on with her life, not wanting to give into her demons, but it was getting harder every day.
“Jen, I can’t help you if you don’t let me in.”
“I-I can’t.”
“Why?” It wasn’t demanding or reproachful, it was sincere. Judy questioned her to better understand how to help her and make everything better.
“Because I can’t,” she replied as she buried her head under brown curls, snuggling deeper into the hug. She couldn’t bear to face Judy at that moment, she couldn’t explain that letting her in would mean having to say out loud a lot of things that she wasn’t ready to pronounce, starting with how madly in love she was with her.
“It’s okay.” Judy kissed the top of her head “Whenever you're ready.”
Jen hoped that one day maybe she would be.
x
“Jen, you can’t keep going like this. You need help.” Christopher was standing in front of her as she sat on one of the sofas in the house they were showing that day.
“Fuck you, I’m fine,” she retorted, avoiding his gaze.
“No, you’re not fine, Jeniffer. You just flipped a table at a seventy-year-old man.”
“Well, it’s not my fault he was being a fucking jerk.”
“The only jerk in that room was you.” He sat next to her, trying to grab her hand, but she just moved it away from his grasp.
“I asked him to stop talking about it, okay? But for some stupid reason he thought I was interested in hearing all about his dumb vintage car collection.”
“I love you, but you need help.”
“I just need you to leave me the fuck alone.” Jen got up and stormed out of the house, leaving a frustrated Christopher calling after her.
She drove a few blocks away from the house and parked on a random street she didn’t know quite well. She pressed play on her stereo, and as the hard metal tune started to blast on the speakers, she gave in to her feelings, sobbing uncontrollably.
x
Jen checked the time as she pulled up to the house. She was home two fucking hours early. She knew Judy would ask what had happened, not only because she was coming home so early but also because she could see right through her. There was no point in trying to lie to Judy. Even if she didn’t mention it, she knew when Jen tried to hide her pain under a fake smile.
Jen made her way through the house, looking for Judy in the kitchen. She left her bag and blazer on the sofa, trying to ignore the way her heart beat faster when she didn’t see Judy in her usual place behind the counter, preparing things for dinner. Calm down. She’s okay. It’s too early to be cooking. She’s okay.
As soon as she stepped outside to the backyard she could see Judy painting in her studio. After the accident she had been painting a lot more, exploring different techniques and designs. She had explained to Jen how she used art as a catharsis, and she had even encouraged her to try it. But after making up some lame excuse she declined.
Jen knocked on the already open door as she entered the studio, making Judy turn around. Her face lit up when she saw Jen, sending a warm smile her way before turning back to the canvas she was working on. Her painting was bright and colorful, but a pitch-black circle placed at the center got Jen’s attention. She wondered if that was how Judy felt.
She walked over to Judy and wrapped her arms around her waist, feeling more at ease as she felt the heat of Judy’s body on her skin. The comfort of holding her in her arms, making sure that she was there, that she was real.
“Hey.” Judy let her free hand rest on her abdomen, on top of Jen’s “Bad day?”
“The shittiest.”
Judy turned her head, trying to get a look at Jen’s face, the height difference allowing her to catch a glimpse of Jen’s blue eyes. “Wanna talk about it?”
“No.” She nuzzled her head into Judy’s hair, avoiding her gaze and taking in the flowery perfume mixed with the smell of paint.
She felt Judy turning back to the painting, continuing her work, feeling the soft movement of her arms as she made the brushes dance over the canvas. Jen kept holding onto her as she worked. She thought about how intimate this was, not only because of the closeness of their bodies but more about Judy letting her in into something so private, so personal. Ted had never let her come into the studio whenever he was composing or the lame shit that he used to do in there. But Judy had always been open to share with her, to explain what she was working on, to ask her opinion on her works, and now to even let her stay while she created.
Over the speaker Will You Love Me Tomorrow by The Shirelles started playing, making Judy jump a little from the excitement. “Oh, I love this song,” she said as she started to hum the lyrics softly.
Tonight with words unspoken
You say that I'm the only one
But will my heart be broken
When the night meets the morning sun?
Jen started swaying her body to the rhythm of the ‘60 song, making Judy move as well. She turned around inside Jen’s embrace, their faces inches away from each other. Her smile was radiant and Jen felt as if she couldn’t breathe. She kept leading, moving their bodies together, trying to find harmony in the movement, but Judy’s inability to follow the rhythm was making it hard to accomplish. Judy started to chuckle, aware of how untalented of a dancer she was.
“Jude, you suck at dancing,” Jen teased as she kept up her efforts, the song almost coming to an end.
“I know.” Judy admitted between chuckles, making Jen laugh as well. The sound of her laughs making her feel dizzy, like a drug. Jen found herself craving the sound the way one would crave a cigarette after a long day.
They laughed together from a place deep inside of them, just as when they cried, the giggles loud and strong, releasing the tension and airing the wounds.
Judy’s eyes fixed on Jen’s as she started to calm herself. She saw a glimpse of happiness in them, a glimpse of what Jen was like before everything happened. She wondered when was the last time she had been truly happy. She was sure it had been the day of the accident, right before it happened when she was at ease knowing their lives were getting back on track. But it didn’t, because of course it wouldn’t it only got fucked up again.
She brought her hand up to cup Jen’s cheek, letting her thumb caress the soft skin. She wondered what would happen if she gave in and kissed her. Would it be that terrible? Would it be okay? Would it make Jen feel better? Would it make her run away? She wished she could just love her enough to make her feel happy again, but she knew that love wasn’t enough to fix what she was going through.
“What?” Jen asked, not being able to hold Judy’s gaze anymore without splurting all her feelings out.
“I think you should go to therapy.”
“Oh, fuck Judy. We were having a nice time.” Jen parted from the embrace but remained standing close to her.
“That’s why. You can’t keep living like this, you deserve happiness, not just a happy moment.”
“I’m okay” Jen stated, wondering briefly if she said it enough it would become true.
“No, you’re not. PTSD is something serious.”
“So what? Like you don’t have fucking problems?” She saw the hurt in Judy’s face but she kept going, pressing into the wounds of the other woman. “You think I didn’t notice how you fucking scratched the skin off your knees the first weeks after the accident?” She knew how to make it hurt, how to use her rage as a knife.
“Don’t do that.” Judy pleaded, hurt. She took a step back.
A wave of regret washed over Jen immediately after Judy’s reaction. Why did she always have to lash out at those who loved her most?
“I’m sorry. I’m sorry,” she apologized, reaching for Judy’s hands.
“It’s okay.” Judy said automatically like she always did when someone hurt her.
“No, it’s not. I shouldn’t have said that. I’m sorry.” Jen took a step forward, shortening the distance between them.
“We shouldn’t waste our second chance, Jen. We keep getting chances in life.”
“Yeah.” Jen snorted. “And they always get fucked up.”
“So what, do we give up? Do we give up on being happy, on the kids, on us?” Judy’s gaze was so intense Jen could feel it burning her skin, her voice soft but determined to prove her point. “I don’t want to give up, and I won’t give up on you.”
Jen held to that “us” that still buzzed in her head. Us; the promise of more, the promise of them. She wondered if she would ever be good enough to deserve it, to deserve that happiness, but she decided she would try. She would try to be better for Judy, for her family.
“Ok. I’ll go.” Seeing Judy’s smile she knew that she had made the right choice.