Work Text:
What you should be seeing "Part 1" with two links. When you click on one of the options, you should be taken to that part. There might be a scrollbar beside the text if the text is long.
If you just see text, make sure that you have selected "Show Creator's Style" above the work, so that the option reads "Hide Creator's Style". Hopefully you can play even without it, but it looks prettier in the right style.
If you can't view the work with creator's style or can't use the links, you can still play, but you'll have to search for the next part. Search for "Part 3" and so on, and try not to look at the other sections.
A few options ask for you to roll a six sided dice. If you don't have a dice, you can just choose a number at random - but if you do have a dice, it's fun to make those options more random.
There was a lot of coding to get to this, so do let me know if I messed anything up so I can fix it!
Best of luck!
PART 1
Your name is Dorian Red. You are the Earl of Gloria. It is the 14th of February and your mission, if you choose to accept it, is to celebrate Valentine's Day with Major von dem Eberbach. Do you choose to accept this mission?
OF COURSE 2
NO 3
ABSOLUTELY, BUT I MUST ROB THE LOUVRE FIRST 4
PART 2
Of course you accept this mission! To show Klaus your love for him is what you live for, it's what you work for - it's what you've planned for so very long now! This will be the year! You will do it, or by da Vinci you will die trying! Or maybe not die, exactly, but you will be very, very disappointed if your plan fails this year! All right! Up and at 'im! So it is morning, February the 14th, the most romantic day of the whole year! If romance doesn't blossom today, it is a bad omen for the next ten months. So … Where are you exactly, Dorian?
PART 3
… you're not really in the spirit of things, are you …? Okay, so have it your way! Are you sure you even are Dorian Red? Would Dorian Red even be caught dead in those clothes you wear? I think that you are a fake! Whatever! Go off and, I don't know, pull a heist or something.
THE END
PART 4
The Louvre. The heart of Paris! Of course! Sure! Fine. Let's rob the Louvre. So … When I said that it is morning, I meant of course that it is actually just past midnight, so technically it is "morning". Right. You actually have a great plan for robbing the Louvre. Your gang is all there. You're in France, of course (the reason being that the Louvre is in France. Paris, actually. The Seine and all that. Very romantic city). You have planned this heist in minute detail. James will distract the guards, Bonham has infiltrated the cleaning staff, John is the getaway driver, you all-but seduced one of the museum art restorers who let you check out the security. It's basically an in-and-out type of thing. Not the in-and-out type of thing you're considering with Major von dem Eberbach, but it's fun nevertheless. Sure! You get away with a couple of really pretty paintings and James takes some not so very pretty paintings that are still worth a bundle. James is happy, which makes life easier for everyone. A lot like that time in A Thousand Kisses, right? But we haven't seen Caesar and his friends for years, so you're good to go. Okay. So, congrats, great heist! Well done! You left a card and it had a little heart on it too, since it's Valentine's Day and everything and - it's Valentine's Day and you were going to romance the pants of Major von dem Eberbach, remember? It's really morning now, since the sun has gone up and all, and it's the 14th of February and you're in Paris, France. What do you do now, Dorian?
GO BACK TO ENGLAND 9
GO TO GERMANY 10
GO TO BELGIUM 11
STAY IN FRANCE 12
PART 5
You wake up in your luxurious bed in Castle Gloria. The bed is enormous, really. You could have an orgy in that bed and not lack for space. You did have a brief phase when you tried orgies and they were all good and fun, but these days you really want things to be, well … more about you, really. You and someone special, of course. Someone who is strong and gorgeous with raven-black hair and eyes as green as emeralds … "My lover's eyes like emeralds shine, their righteous wrath revealed …" Oh, there's a glorious poem, right there! You should really get a pen and write that down. Calligraphy, you're good at that. Why write boringly, when you can write prettily? Very nice! So … how do you plan to continue?
GO TO GERMANY 10
GO TO BELGIUM 11
SEND POEM TO KLAUS 13
ROB THE LOUVRE 14
PART 6
Germany! Home of the Gemäldegalerie (Botticelli, Caravaggio, Vermeer, and the list just goes on!) and also lots of fleamarkets (you were out strolling with Bonham one day in Bonn and came to a large park that was absolutely swarming with people fleamarketing! Germans are obsessed with fleamarkets! Truly extraordinary!). The river Rhine, very nice. Lush greenery (at least during the warmer part of the year), mostly as seen from your Lamborghini. Strange customs: Octoberfests in September, say no more. Paintings of men wearing pumpkin pants! Klaus von dem Eberbach. One of these things is more interesting and alluring than all the others. Okay, two of those things. Actually, make that three: the Gemäldegalerie as well. Right, but the Gemäldegalerie is in Berlin and the other two can often be found in the vicinity of each other, so they win. Right. Where in Germany are you?
PART 7
Okay, so you're in France. … why are you in France on the 14th of February, Valentine's day, the most romantic day of the year and the day you intend to climb Major von dem Eberbach like a regrettably straight tree?
ROBBING THE LOUVRE 4
WAS OUT TRAVELLING, ENDED UP HERE 18
MAJOR VON DEM EBERBACH IS ON A MISSION HERE 19
PART 8
Belgium … Okay, so you're in Belgium. ...why are you on Belgium on the 14th of February, Valentine's day, the most romantic day of the year and the day you fully intended to sweep Major von dem Eberbach off his boots and into your bed?
WAS OUT TRAVELLING, ENDED UP HERE 20
MAJOR VON DEM EBERBACH IS ON A MISSION HERE 21
PART 10
Finally we're getting somewhere. Germany, here we come! Maybe, if you're really lucky, Dorian, you'll even come in Germany. Or even in a German. Who knows. Okay. So, let's go!
PART 13
You write a poem to celebrate the one man worthy of your constant attention, praising his abs, hair, eyes, butt, stomach, arms, legs, parts you haven't actually seen yet, but also his determination, his singing voice and his dedication. "--with ponderous thrusts, the two of us, in pitless passion fall!" It's a lovely poem, full of the very best words, written with your very best calligraphy, in red ink - the color of love and passion; and let's not forget that it's your name too. It takes a couple of attempts to perfect each line and then you sign it with that epic"- From Eroica With Love" And the dots over each i are little hearts and you color in every o as well as the body of the a and the top of the e. And you draw an Eroica rose at the bottom of the paper. And then you wait for it to dry and then you put it in an envelope and you write the Major's name and address on it (drawing hearts and filling in certain letters as you go) and then you hand the letter over to Bonham to be sent express and James's complaints be damned! Awww … So … How do you think Major von dem Eberbach will react?
HE'LL BE YOURS FOREVER NOW 25
HE'LL TEAR IT UP WITHOUT READING IT, BUT AT LEAST HE KNOWS YOU'RE THINKING ABOUT HIM. 26
PART 14
The Louvre. Um. Okay. Thing is, you're on a bit of a deadline here if you're going to put the move on the good major today. It'll take a couple of hours to get to France, then you'll have to scout and prepare, there's like, lots to be done before you rob a place. Or are you just doing a smash-n-grab? Oh, wait. Are you intending to steal a present for Klaus?
PART 15
… that does seem a bit of a sub-optimal choice, but okay. Berlin. Gemäldegalerie. Lots of great artists there! You walk around for a bit. Maybe just some nice little painting happens to end up under your coat. It was old anyway, surely no one will miss it. Right. Tick-tock. Where do you go now?
PART 16
Bonn! One of your favorite places in Germany. That picturesque little square, the gaudily painted Rathaus, the gorgeous river! Everything is just so … neat and orderly and … German. Very nice. You'll stay at the Maritim, of course. Unless you can weasel your way into staying in Klaus's bed … One can always dream. Right! Speaking of the devastatingly handsome Major … Is he in Bonn right now?
PART 17
Eberbach! Such a quaint little city! You can walk straight through it in minutes! A nice little ice cream parlour, Eiscafé Venezia as it is called. A few shops here and there, nothing really fashionable or anything. Lovely view over the Neckar. You took a boat to Heidelberg once - another lovely little city, a bit more fashion and art there, and things to do. Right! Speaking of things to do … The lovely Major von dem Eberbach. Is he in Eberbach right now?
PART 18
Okay … You didn't plan much for this Valentine's Day celebration thing, eh? Still, some of your best heists were pulled with no preparation, just spur of the moment. Let's get cracking! So. What will you do now?
GO TO ENGLAND 9
GO TO GERMANY 10
GO TO BELGIUM 11
STAY IN FRANCE 12
PART 20
Wouldn't it be better if you had been, dunno, in the same country as the good major? It's much easier to stalk him if you are. Come on! We're losing valuable time here. So. What will you do now?
PART 23
Okay. Belgium. Since Major von dem Eberbach is on a mission in Belgium, you go to Belgium. Fair enough.
PART 24
Okay, mission in France. Not bad. Paris is very romantic this time of year - any time of year, really. And there's always the Louvre and beautiful little cafés and what not if things get dicey. You fly to Paris.
PART 25
Um. You know, Sun Tzu says, Know Thine Enemy. He might not seem like a romantic type of author, but please realise that you are at war here! Either you plan to conquer that stubborn German military man like you're about to lay siege to Troy, or you might as well stick to writing love poetry for the rest of your life, because you're not getting a leg over that way! Seriously. No. Just, no. You're not ready! I'm sorry, but you're just not ready for this. Study Sun Tzu for the next few days (it's a shockingly short text, really), then start to really consider how you're going about this whole thing. Love poetry is not the answer!
THE END
PART 26
Words! And pretty words they were too! Alas, not enough; barely the opening siege in your little campaign. That was merely a reminder. No, as amusing as that was, time to get down and dirty! Oh … That would be fun! But, seriously … What's your next step here?
GO TO GERMANY 10
GO TO BELGIUM 11
ROB THE LOUVRE 14
GET KLAUS A VALENTINE'S GIFT 36
PART 27
… at the Louvre? Seems like maybe that's not quite the right place to shop for Klaus in order to win his undying affection? And, again, we're cutting things a bit fine here. Are you really sure?
YES 37
NAH, LET'S GO TO GERMANY 10
NAH, LET's GO TO BELGIUM 11
PART 28
Of course you already checked this, you're not stupid. Klaus is currently doing paperwork at the office. So, what's the plan?
SEEK KLAUS OUT 38
WAIT FOR KLAUS TO GET TO HIS APARTMENT 39
DO SOME SHOPPING 40
PART 30
You search for Klaus all day. Amazingly, he isn't there! Looks like you've wasted all of the most romantic day of the year because you couldn't be bothered to make a simple phone call or even ask someone to make that phone call for you. Brilliant! Not! Klaus won't be impressed when he hears about this. In fact, he'll laugh at you. Maybe it's best if you just stay away for a while? And next time - maybe be not quite as spontaneous?
THE END
PART 31
Going off without a plan is something for young men (such as yourself, last year's Valentine's day …). Of course you know Klaus is there. Apparently the Chief let slip that Lawrence would come for a visit, so Klaus pretended that Herr Hinkel had a heart attack and that Klaus was urgently needed at the Schloss. It's Herr Hinkel's sixth heart attack when Lawrence comes to visit. So, Eberbach! … What do you do now?
GET TO THE SCHLOSS 41
BUY KLAUS A PRESENT 42
DO SOME SHOPPING 43
PULL OFF A HEIST 44
PART 32
Right … Roll a 6-sided dice.
IF YOU GET 1 or 2 GO TO 45
IF YOU GET 3 or 4 GO TO 46
IF YOU GET 5 or 6. GO TO 47
PART 33
Neo-Nazis! Klaus's most hated target. He just can't stand them. He even prefers you to them! Wonderful! This will be a breeze! Okay, so. A local chapter of the Rogues' gallery has kept an eye on "Your man in NATO," as they call Klaus. That has a nice ring to it, don't you think? So you get to the hotel, where you find most of the Alphabets in high spirits, celebrating their success. Apparently the Neo-Nazis were planning to kill some government official as a warning to others, or some such nasty thing. Z and Klaus had infiltrated the group. That had, apparently, been laughably easy. Klaus's constantly angry vibe had fit right in and Z's aryan looks had clinched the deal. They had both been invited to the group leader's home and basically been served the entire intel on a silver platter. Darn it! You had hoped they might be in trouble and you could show up like a gallant knight in your red Lamborghini and save them. Or provide some vital clue. Or at the very least steal something nice that Klaus would growl at you for taking. Oh well. You ask where Major von dem Eberbach is and at first the Alphabets don't want to tell you, but then they do. Klaus has returned to Germany, heading towards Eberbach. So ... Remind me: where are you, Dorian?
PART 34
A Russian agent, code name Pink Anteater, infiltrated the American embassy! Oh the horror! NATO has been requested to help capture the spy. Klaus and part of the Alphabet have set up a temporary HQ in the embassy and are currently doing interviews and background checks. So … What are you going to do?
BOLDLY STRIDE IN 52
SNEAK IN 53
SEEK INFORMATION ELSEWHERE 54
PART 36
A gift to Klaus! Right! What do you think he would like?
EMERALDS 56
CHOCOLATE 56
ROSES 56
MAYBE A NICE PAINTING! 56
A VERY BIG GUN 57
PEACE ON EARTH 58
FOR EVERYONE TO BECOME GERMAN 58
LET'S GO TO GERMANY INSTEAD 10
LET'S GO TO BELGIUM INSTEAD 11
LET'S ROB THE LOUVRE INSTEAD 14
YOU TO GO AWAY AND NEVER BOTHER HIM AGAIN 55
PART 37
You go to the Louvre. They do have a rather nice picture, "Armed Youth" by one of the Dutch masters. It's a naked young man wielding two swords and it's actually really hot! And the swords look very sharp. You consider stealing the painting and can really see yourself doing that. You also consider giving it to Klaus and can see yourself doing that as well. Then you see Klaus hunting you with the painting, trying vigorously to bash your head in with it. You decide not to steal the painting. Sigh … Foiled again! So ...
PART 38
Invade NATO HQ! Brave move! The guard outside the main entrance has been warned not to let you in. After you've talked to the poor boy for five minutes he's blushing so hard it looks painful and then he just steps aside. You breeze through the corridors - so long, so grey, so boring, nodding gracefully at people as they step to the side to let you pass. They stare at you. It is good to be admired. Finally you reach the large room that the Alphabet and Major von dem Eberbach have been installed in. The Alphabet - or most of it, anyway - are busy, busy little bees, doing things at their desks that surely are very, very important. At the big desk in the front Klaus has turned his chair away from the room. A phone cord curls around the side of the chair and you can see the top of his dark, shiny hair. So ...
PART 39
You go to the apartment Klaus stays in during the week. It's locked, but it's not like that ever stopped you. It's a small place, but then, dearest Klaus isn't one for opulence, is he? The bed is really not large enough for two. A shame, that. The sofa in the living room has hopes, though. Perhaps Klaus relaxes in it, watching football. There's a small kitchen as well and a home office. Very nice. So ...
HEAD OVER TO NATO HQ INSTEAD? 38
MAYBE DO SOME SHOPPING? 40
NAP IN KLAUS'S BED? 61
NAP IN THE SOFA? 62
WATCH TELLY? 63
READ SOMETHING? 64
PART 40
Central Bonn has stores and so on, but nothing much in the way of fashion that would interest you. And sure, there are some jewelry stores and the like, but nothing really catches your fancy. You do visit the lovely little tea parlour near by the Rathaus. But Dorian, tick-tock … Valentine's Day is just one day a year … Maybe you should focus a bit more on the task at hand? Which is Klaus's hand - and winning it? You can shop every other day of the year, you know … So ...
PART 41
You've been to the Schloss many times now, but the road leading up the hill from the city is enchanting. Lots of trees and when you turn into the courtyard you get a splendid view over the river Neckar and the landscape beyond. You know from experience that at dusk the sky can get the most remarkable colors - for Klaus's sake you would even be willing to see it at dawn. Especially since Klaus's bed has a window view. So, you park your car. Next step.
PART 42
A present? For Klaus. Bought in Eberbach. Hmm … You walk around. And then you walk around some more and there's not really much there that would tempt him. You see absolutely no gun stores, for instance. There is one store that has some electronics, but you're not very good at those anyway and might just buy something completely impractical that Klaus will hate. Café Victoria is splendid and if Klaus had any interest whatsoever in cakes or cookies or even marzipan boars, you would be completely set, absolutely. But he would just mash your face in one of the cakes, so forget about it. Dissatisfied you get back to the ice cream parlor.
PART 44
Now you're just desperate, trying to slow things down. Don't you want to see Klaus? Wasn't that what you came for? Are you a yellow-bellied coward? Man up! It's the 14th of February and you've come ready to romance the pants off Klaus Heinz von dem Eberbach! On with it!
PART 45
Oh. That's … That was just a test roll, obviously. Roll a 6-sided dice.
IF YOU GET 1 or 2 GO TO 68
IF YOU GET 3 or 4 GO TO 46
IF YOU GET 5 or 6. GO TO 47
PART 47
As you wander around the little city, staring in awe at the markings on the walls that signal the high rise of the Neckar, you overhear two ladies talking in front of a shop. One of the ladies apparently works at the Schloss and she is saying that Klaus showed up out of nowhere earlier today. She's been sent to buy more potatoes. Herr Hinkel is apparently making the Bratkartoffeln. What a lucky coincidence that you just happened to overhear this! And how lucky you are that Klaus wasn't elsewhere, say in America or something! Luck seems to be on your side, Dorian Red! Maybe you'll even get lucky tonight, eh? Right!
PART 48
Right, I knew that! So you head on over to Heathrow and catch a flight. Not to Bonn, but to Frankfurt, which is much closer to Eberbach. You have a car stationed there at all times, just in case. Except for that one time, when James had rented it out. But you're in luck, the 'ghini waits for you now. So you drive on over to Eberbach! Eberbach! Such a quaint little city! You can walk straight through it in minutes! A nice little ice cream parlour, Eiscafé Venezia as it is called. A few shops here and there, nothing really fashionable or anything. Lovely view over the Neckar. You took a boat to Heidelberg once - another lovely little city, a bit more fashion and art there and things to do. Right! What do you do now then?
GET TO THE SCHLOSS 41
BUY KLAUS A PRESENT 42
DO SOME SHOPPING 43
PULL OFF A HEIST 44
PART 49
Oh yes, France! Country of love and passion. Alas, not today! So you head over to Charles de Gaulle and catch a flight. Not to Bonn, but to Frankfurt, which is much closer to Eberbach. You have a car stationed there at all times, just in case. Except for that one time, when James had rented it out. But you're in luck, it waits for you now. So you drive on over to Eberbach!
PART 50
You head on over to Brussels Airport and catch a flight. Not to Bonn, but to Frankfurt, which is much closer to Eberbach. You have a car stationed there at all times, just in case. Except for that one time, when James had rented it out. But you're in luck, it waits for you now. So you drive on over to Eberbach!
PART 52
You sashay your way into the embassy, asking to be shown the way to Major von dem Eberbach, claiming that you are his life-partner. The Americans look stunned. The Major, when confronted, looks both stunned and stunning. Then he aims his Magnum at you and says, very firmly "I don't have time to deal with you too right now, I'm working! Get the hell out of my sight!" Thrilled, you reply "Marvellous, love, I'll see you tonight then," blow him a kiss and duck out of the door. Well … That was fun! Not extremely productive, but fun. And the Major looked particularly dashing, didn't he? Yes, he did! But what do you do now?
PART 53
Fabulous red suit off, slinky black catsuit on! Then over the fence, cross the yard, up the roses, unlock the window, into the room! Ta-da! Stare down the barrel of a Magnum. Meep, just a little bit. You see Klaus's intense, green eyes beyond the gun, and the darkness of his hair, but not very much else, because even if you know in your heart of hearts that Klaus would never shoot you, to look into the one eye of a gun is never easy. "I'm working," Klaus growls. "Idiot, I saw you coming from across the road! Away the hell with you!" So you go backwards to the window, creep back through, drop down to the yard and - guard dogs! You run over to the fence and climb over it. Safe on the other side of the street again, you look up towards the window. You see a hint of black hair before the curtain falls down again. Right. Not your best attempt and not extremely productive either. Even if the Major's eyes did look very pretty behind that Magnum of his. So … What do you do now, then?
PART 54
You reach out to the local chapter of the Rogue's gallery and after a bit of negotiating on your side and hero worshipping on their side, they look into the matter and come up with the identity of the Pink Anteater for you! Victory is yours! Surely this will be what melts that cold iron heart of his. Major von dem Eberbach will be so impressed by your information gathering technique that he'll let you do some information gathering on some very private information of his own! You return to the American consulate only to find that pretty catch that you so nearly had within your grasp has fled the noose. Some new piece of information has turned up and Klaus and the Alphabet are on their way back to Germany that very moment! Hurry, Dorian, hurry! You board a flight and soon enough you land. Where will you go?
PART 57
Oh, now you are talking the language of love! It's not written in flowers, not when it comes to one Klaus Heinz von dem Eberbach! It is written in triggers and bullets and velocity and calibers and a lot of words not to be found in art history books, but you've heard him say them a lot. Caliber seems to be one of those the more the merrier things, so you set out to get something with very many calibers! A local chapter of the Rogues' gallery, who worship the ground you walk on, puts you in touch with a local black market arms dealer, who also worships the ground you walk on. He takes you to a surprisingly nice little shop and also says a lot of words like triggers and bullets and velocity and calibers, so he obviously knows his stuff. To your utter amazement he has guns that are actually pretty! You fall in love - platonically, of course - with a Holland & Holland Elephant Rifle that apparently is ten times higher in caliber than Klaus's magnum! Or something like that, you're not quite sure how to count those things, but 500 was definitely mentioned. It has the most exquisite silver engravings on it, amazing really. If this doesn't get Klaus all weak kneed, nothing will! Now what?
PART 59
You sneak across the room towards the big desk at the end. The Alphabets see you. Some of them look worried. Some of them look scared. Some of them shake their heads: "No!" at you. Still, you sneak. You're almost there now. Right by the desk! Now … What do you do?
SNEAK EVEN CLOSER AND TRY TO STEAL A KISS WHILE HE'S DISTRACTED 71
COUGH TO GET HIS ATTENTION 72
PART 60
You clear your throat. "Klaus …" There's no response. "Klaus!" There's no response. "Klaus, lovelight of my life! It is I, Dorian Red, the Earl of Gloria!" You open your arm wide to make a lovely picture when he turns around.
PART 61
Perv. Yeah "nap" is what we're calling it now, eh? "Nap …" Okay. But so you do. You take one of those "naps". A long, luxurious "nap" and then you nap as well. When you wake up again, it's much later than you thought it would be. Klaus still isn't there. Of course, sometimes Klaus works until late, poor boy. He needs a long, nice vacation, he does. Like a cruise in the Bahamas or something. The two of you on one of those luxury ships, maybe … You dream some more and "nap" some more, but Klaus still doesn't show up. It's not until it is getting rather late that you start to catch up to the truth. Not all choices are the right choice, Dorian … This was the wrong choice. Klaus won't come to his Bonn apartment that night. In fact, he left Bonn on an unexpected trip to Eberbach. You won't make it there in time. Maybe you can go there tomorrow, but tomorrow isn't Valentine's Day, is it? No. Another Valentine's Day is lost. Better luck next year!
THE END
PART 62
You nap on the sofa for a while. It's not terribly comfortable, so you are soon up again.
HEAD OVER TO NATO HQ INSTEAD? 38
MAYBE DO SOME SHOPPING? 40
NAP IN KLAUS'S BED? 61
WATCH TELLY? 63
READ SOMETHING? 64
PART 63
The telly is set to some sport channel. Football. You try to switch channels and there's a news channel and … that's about it. Football and news. Oh, dear, dear, dear Klaus. He does so need some excitement in his life. Apart from the neo-nazis and Russian spies and Chinese assassins and so on and so forth, of course. You are bored. Now what?
HEAD OVER TO NATO HQ INSTEAD? 38
MAYBE DO SOME SHOPPING? 40
NAP IN KLAUS'S BED 61
NAP IN KLAUS'S SOFA 62
READ SOMETHING? 64
PART 64
The selection is rather narrow. There are books about political factions around the world, probably very useful for someone working in NATO. Books about guns. Books about tanks. Books about boars. Well, it's always good to know more about the habits of your prey, such as it is. An old book about the Eberbach family! You start reading that one. It is actually quite interesting. You learn a lot. You decide to borrow this book - with every intention of giving it back eventually, of course. Now what?
HEAD OVER TO NATO HQ INSTEAD? 38
MAYBE DO SOME SHOPPING 40
NAP IN KLAUS'S BED 61
NAP IN KLAUS'S SOFA 62
PART 65
You walk slowly around the wall of the Schloss until you come to an iron trellis with climbing roses leading up to one of the second floor windows. The trellis looks sturdy enough and when you test your weight on it, it seems to hold. You decide not to switch to the cat suit, so you start climbing, carefully letting your weight settle on the metal at each step.
PART 66
You make sure that your hair is properly fluffed and spread over your shoulders, then take a deep breath and knock on the door. Even as the sound still lingers in the air, the door opens. In front of you is Herr Hinkel, looking very grave and proper, as he usually does. "Lord Gloria," he greets with a stiff nod. What are you going to say ...
KLAUS IS EXPECTING ME 76
I WAS JUST IN THE NEIGHBORHOOD AND WAS WONDERING IF I COULD LOOK AT THAT PAINTING AGAIN 77
CAN KLAUS COME OUT TO PLAY? 78
I WANT TO SURPRISE KLAUS, WILL YOU HELP ME? 79
PART 67
Morosely you walk into Eiscafé Venezia, thinking that you should treat yourself. Sometimes you do. Not often, because a body such as yours doesn't build itself on ice cream. On the other hand, temptation is good for the soul - and to treat yourself is important! There are other things in the shop as well, various touristy things with the Eberbach symbol - glasses, bottles, mugs and the sweetest little cuddly-looking wild boar piglets! You must have one. So you buy one. It is so cute! You also get a small ice cream and it is lovely. Then, fortified with the cold, sugary sweetness and cuddling the cuddly little boar, you make your way back to your car. And then you drive off for the Schloss.
PART 68
Drat. I'm really, really sorry, but Major von dem Eberbach has been pulled away for a last minute important mission to Norway. You just missed him. Literally, you looked out over the river as he passed you in his Mercedes. Luck just isn't on your side … You can follow him to Norway, but you won't catch him before midnight, so … Better luck next year!
THE END
PART 69
So you go off to have a bite to eat and then you run into a friend and you end up talking and before you know it some hours have passed by. You rush back to the embassy only to find that Klaus and his men are on their way back to Germany again … Tough luck … So ...
PART 71
You sneak even closer! Sneak, Dorian, sneak! Sneak like you've never sneaked before! You expect Klaus to notice you at any minute, but he is on the phone. You can hear someone talking, like a light buzz. Probably the Major is listening to some very important news! Excellent! You sneak closer. Klaus is slightly turned away, so you can't really see more than a bit of his hair and a bit of his cheek until you quickly - quick now, Dorian, quick! - lean forward and kiss his cheek! Yay! Victory! Victory! … that is when the tall, blackhaired man in the chair turns towards you and … smiles. It's Lawrence … Oh fuck da Vinci! "Oh, Lord Red! How excellently marvellous to see you, old chap!"
RUN, DORIAN, RUN! ALL THE WAY HOME 80
OWN UP TO YOUR MISTAKE 81
PART 72
The tall, blackhaired man in the chair turns towards you and … smiles. It's Lawrence! Oh, blessed da Vinci that you didn't try to steal a kiss! "Oh, Lord Red! How excellently marvellous to see you, old chap!" Lawrence says. Still weak-kneed with relief at your close call, you stumble through a greeting and then you ask for Klaus.
PART 73
About halfway up you fall and land on your butt. Those trousers are a bit stained now, really a pity. Would you like to try again?
PART 74
It is slow work, but you make your way up to the window. It is locked, but you get it open fairly easily and you step in and … Herr Hinkel, looking very forbidding, stands before you. "Lord Gloria," he greets with a stiff nod. Drat … What are you going to say ...
KLAUS IS EXPECTING ME 76
I WAS JUST IN THE NEIGHBORHOOD AND WAS WONDERING IF I COULD LOOK AT THAT PAINTING AGAIN 77
I WANT TO SURPRISE KLAUS, WILL YOU HELP ME? 79
PART 75
You easily climb up the trellis, get through the window and enter Schloss Eberbach! Excellent! Ah … Now what?
GO TO KLAUS'S BEDROOM 84
GO TO THE GALLERY 85
GO TO THE LIBRARY 86
PART 76
Herr Hinkel doesn't bat an eyelid. "Of course, Lord Gloria. Right this way. The master is in the library." What do you do?
FOLLOW HERR HINKEL THERE 87
ASK HERR HINKEL ABOUT KLAUS 88
ASK HERR HINKEL ABOUT HIS HEALTH 89
PART 77
"I regret to inform you, sir, that the painting is currently being restored. Was there anything else?"
ASK TO SEE KLAUS 76
TELL HIM THAT YOU WANT TO SURPRISE KLAUS AND ASK FOR HIS HELP 79
PART 78
Unexpectedly, Herr Hinkel laughs. He has a nice smile. "Regrettably, no. Oh, how I would have wished for Master Klaus to have friends to go out and play with when he was young. But I can take you to see him, if you would like? He is in the library."
FOLLOW HERR HINKEL THERE 87
ASK HERR HINKEL ABOUT KLAUS 88
ASK HERR HINKEL ABOUT HIS HEALTH 89
PART 79
"I hardly think that would be appropriate, Lord Gloria. Why would you want to?" How will you respond?
NEVER MIND, LET'S GO TO SEE HIM 87
IT'S VALENTINE'S DAY, HERR HINKEL. LOVE IS IN THE AIR! 90
PART 80
Mortified, you rush out of NATO HQ. You gun your car straight to Köln Airport and then you fly directly home to England. You will not live this down, Dorian. Ever! You KISSED Lawrence! You can't show your face in Bonn again. For a year, at least! Better luck then!
THE END
PART 81
"Lawrence!" you squeak. "I … I … I thought you were Klaus! Oh, I'm … I … What are you doing here?" "Steady on, good man," Lawrence replies.
PART 82
"I was here to visit our dapper Major," Lawrence says, "but just before I arrived he was called away. Family problem, or next to it. That butler of his apparently had a heart attack. Dreadful business, heart attacks. My old Papa had one and he was never the same. But let's make the best of things, my jolly friend. Let us make a night of it and paint this city red, as they say. Shall we?
PART 84
Aha! Here is where all the magic happens! Or will happen, anyway! At some point! You do know the way. You have been there before. Though you waited until Klaus was safely away last time you visited, you're not stupid. Which begs the question as to why you are in the bedroom now, but there you are. The room is not very exciting, to be honest. The bed is fairly large and would take two people, so that's good. There's a sitting corner, with a fairly comfortable chair. The bathroom has a rather large shower, which you approve of. There's also a small bookshelf next to the bed. And a very large rifle hanging over the bed. That's about it. No teutonic handsome man anywhere in sight. So …
GO TO THE GALLERY 85
GO TO THE LIBRARY 86
GET NAKED AND WAIT FOR KLAUS IN BED 94
SNOOP AROUND 95
PART 85
You certainly know your way to the gallery! You go there, anticipating another look at a certain handsome dapper man whom you would like to have met in real life. Alas, when you get there the Man In Pumpkin Pants is gone! Whatever could have happened?! What do you do now?
GO TO KLAUS'S BEDROOM 84
GO TO THE LIBRARY 86
TRY TO FIND OUT WHAT HAPPENED 96
PART 86
You've been to the library before, it's a nice place. A wide selection of books, sure, but more than that it was probably a retreat for the von dem Eberbachs of old, maybe to get away from their wives or their lives or what not. A very masculine room, with large, comfortable chairs in front of the fireplace. The fireplace, which is roaring now, flames fluttering and spreading warmth across the room. Klaus is sitting in one of the chairs. Maybe he was just sitting there, enjoying the warmth and the silence. He stares at you now, looking unamused. At least he's not pulling his gun. So … What now? Did you bring Klaus a present?
PART 88
"Oh, he's fine," Herr Hinkel says, obviously pleased that you care. "He has been a bit morose lately. The poor boy is lonely, you know. He could use a friend. Or something." Is Herr Hinkel … winking at you? The lights make it difficult to see.
ASK HER HINKEL ABOUT HIS HEALTH 89
FOLLOW HERR HINKEL TO THE LIBRARY 87
PART 89
"Me, sir? I'm perfectly fine, sir. Oh, is this about that heart attack thing? That was just Master Klaus. He uses that as an excuse when he needs to get away." Herr Hinkel smiles. "Or else I would have had six heart attacks this year alone and I don't think the old heart could take that much. But thank you for asking, much appreciated. Oh, a word of advice? Master Klaus is a good boy, but life hasn't been easy for him. He could use a friend. He's not good with recognizing friendship, though. Perhaps you should bring him something to cheer him up with." Do you have a gift for Klaus?
PART 90
Unexpectedly, Herr Hinkel smiles at you. "I wish you all the best, Lord Gloria! Master Klaus has been lonely for too long. Ah … You know, I think the best surprise for him would be something to show that you care. He understands concrete gestures much better than mere declarations. A gift for him would be just the thing!" Do you have a gift for Klaus?
PART 91
A night on the town - with Lawrence?! Instead of celebrating Valentine's Day with Klaus!? What is this madness?!
PART 92
You're not Dorian Red at all! Interpol catches you and it turns out you're a Russian spy! Later on you are traded in for a British spy who was caught in Moscow. Major Klaus Heinz von dem Eberbach heroically rescues the Real Dorian Red and refuses a Hero's Award very ardently. However, your superiors are disappointed in you! Happy stay in Siberia, Mr Mint Green Opossum!
THE END
PART 94
You undress and get into bed. And then you wait. And wait. And wait. A couple of hours later Herr Hinkel gets quite a surprise when he enters the room. Bad, Dorian! The old man nearly had a heart attack! Anyway, Klaus is no longer at the Schloss. He got called away on an urgent mission. And now Herr Hinkel is very displeased with you. Klaus will probably get a laugh out of it, though, when he hears. After he demands that all the beddings will be burned. And possibly the bed as well. Alas, better luck next year!
THE END
PART 95
You look around and try to find more information about the man you love. Alas, you find nothing before Herr Hinkel enters the room. Bad Dorian, you almost gave the poor man a heart attack! Herr Hinkel is not very amused at all! Quick, Dorian, what will you do?
PART 96
Is this really the most important thing to be concerned about on the 14th of February, Dorian? You find nothing before Herr Hinkel enters the room. Bad Dorian, you almost gave the poor man a heart attack! Herr Hinkel, frowning at you, does curtly inform you that the painting is being renovated. Quick, Dorian, what will you do?
PART 100
"Oh, I really think he would like something …" says Herr Hinkel. He ponders this for a moment. "But I think I can help you there. Come on!" Herr Hinkel leads you down to the kitchen. You have a cuppa while Herr Hinkel prepares the Bratkartoffeln. Then he hands you two plates and nods kindly. You thank him. Then he leads you to the library and introduces you.
PART 101
"Oh, please, Herr Hinkel! I love Klaus so very, very much! I only want to wish him a Happy Valentine's Day! Oh, please, please Herr Hinkel!" Unexpectedly, Herr Hinkel smiles at you. "I wish you all the best, Lord Gloria! Master Klaus has been lonely for too long. Ah … You know, I think the best surprise for him would be something to show that you care. If you could give him something suitable I think that would help things along!" Do you have a gift for Klaus?
PART 102
You quitter! Tsk, tsk, Dorian. But sometimes even love can't overcome the obstacles. You try again, of course! But each time Herr Hinkel is there like a guardian angel and after enough attempts you give up. Quitter! You go home to England in shame and will not dare to try again for several months.
THE END
PART 103
"Did you get my letter?" you ask. Klaus stares at you for a moment, then he nods towards the fireplace. There seem to be traces of paper at the bottom. "Did you … read it first?" you ask. He shakes his head. Well, you can't say you're really surprised. "Oh well," you say. "I actually only came to give you this!" Then you hand over …
AN ELEPHANT GUN 107
AN OLD BOOK ON THE EBERBACH FAMILY 108
EMERALDS 109
CHOCOLATE 109
ROSES 109
A NICE PAINTING 109
BRATKARTOFFELN 110
A DIAMOND RING 111
A STUFFED BOAR 112
PART 104
Never mind. Say, did you by any chance, earlier today, find out the name of a Russian spy working for the American embassy?
PART 105
Okay, that's something. "Did you get my letter?" you ask. Klaus stares at you for a moment, then he nods towards the fireplace. There seem to be traces of paper at the bottom. "Did you … read it first?" you ask. He shakes his head. Well, you can't say you're really surprised. Say, did you by any chance, earlier today, find out the name of a Russian spy working for the American embassy?
PART 106
Never mind. Say, did you by any chance, earlier today, find out the name of a Russian spy working for the American embassy?
PART 107
Klaus's eyes lit up. "It's gorgeous!" he says and accepts the elephant gun. "I really shouldn't take this. It's not like I actually would shoot an elephant, but … I bet you can do some real damage with this, maybe even on a tank!" He looks genuinely pleased! Well done, Dorian! "You may sit down," he says, so you do. Klaus also sits down, happily examining his new treasure.
PART 108
Klaus looks at the book you are trying to hand him. His green eyes get icier and he looks very angry. This does not bode well, Dorian. "There is only one copy of that book in existence, Lord Gloria. It is in my flat in Bonn. Or it was in my flat in Bonn as of yesterday. From this I conclude that you have broken into my flat and done who knows what perverted, depraved things there! Out! Out!" When you don't react quickly enough you do get manhandled by the love of your life, if very briefly, as he lifts you up and tosses you out the window. You decide that it's best not to try again. Maybe next time you'll come up with a better plan.
THE END
PART 109
Klaus stares at you for a long time. "You don't know me at all, do you?" he says. He actually sounds kind of sad about it. "Out!" He calls for Herr Hinkel to escort you out. You decide that it's best not to try again right away. Maybe next time you'll come up with a better plan.
THE END
PART 110
Klaus stares at the plates for a long time. You get the distinct impression that he's considering ditching you and keeping both plates for himself. But finally he says "Fine. We can't let that go to waste. Sit." So you sit and you start eating the Bratkartoffeln. It's actually quite good!
PART 111
A … diamond ring. You're cheating now, there was no mention of a diamond ring today! Roll a 6-sided dice.
PART 112
You hold up the stuffed boar. Klaus stares. At you. At the boar. At you. At the boar. Then he says. "That's not Ludwig, where did you find that one?" You tell the story of how you found the boar and it transpires that Klaus had one exactly the same when he was a child! As you talk you slowly approach and Klaus takes the boar from you and you sit down and as you keep talking Klaus holds the little boar, in an oddly gentle but firm hold.
PART 113
"By the way, that Pink Anteater you were looking for?" you say casually. "His actual name is Boris Abakumov, but he is working undercover as Peter Collins at that American embassy. Shall we leave him to it or do you want to do something about it?" Oh Dorian … That might not have been the smartest move … Klaus rushes across the room to the library phone and then you sit there, regretting ever having mentioned this, while Klaus calls what feels like every single member of NATO. But your prey is in sight now, Dorian! So you wait, patiently. After a long while Herr Hinkel comes in while Klaus is still talking, with plates with Bratkartoffeln and you eat as you wait. It's surprisingly good. Klaus shovels it in with a fork in one hand as he holds the phone in the other, managing to eat while still talking. Finally, though, Klaus hangs up for the last time and comes over towards you and sits down next to you. He looks rather chipper.
PART 114
"I actually only came to give you this!" you then say and hand over …
AN ELEPHANT GUN 107
AN OLD BOOK ON THE EBERBACH FAMILY 108
EMERALDS 109
CHOCOLATE 109
ROSES 109
A NICE PAINTING 109
BRATKARTOFFELN 110
A DIAMOND RING 111
A STUFFED BOAR 112
PART 116
"I came here to get some peace and quiet!" Klaus says firmly. "That means no British fops! Out!" Yes, Dorian, maybe next time you try you could spend a little time actually preparing for what to do once you get here? Klaus forces you to leave and no matter what you say or do, he won't let you back in. Try again another time.
THE END
PART 117
You swiped the diamond ring with no one noticing, not even the author of this story? Wow, Dorian … You are good! Klaus looks skeptically at you when you offer the ring. "What, you're gonna propose or something?" How are you going to answer that?
PART 118
Well, I guess you might have actually worn that ring all along, then? You do wear a lot of bling … Okay, then … Klaus looks skeptically at you when you offer the ring. "What, you're gonna propose or something?" How are you going to answer that?
PART 119
You are a cheater and the diamond is badly cut anyway! Klaus is furious and kicks you out. Bad form, Dorian. Bad form!
THE END
PART 120
"I love you with all my heart, Major von dem Eberbach, and I'd marry you in a heartbeat!" "Bah," he says and he doesn't take the ring. "But I guess you could sit down for a bit. Herr Hinkel doesn't like it when I toss guests out the window." You sit down.
PART 121
Faint of heart never wins fair major, Dorian. You end up stuttering about commitment issues and getting to know one another and engagement and try out sex and Klaus is really not the least bit impressed with you. He says something about Herr Hinkel not liking it when he tosses guests out the window - but he does it anyway … Maybe you should have a really hard think about the future, Dorian, and make up your mind about what you really want? Then try again. If that is what you really want.
THE END
PART 122
So you sit in the library at Schloss Eberbach, side by side with the man you love. And maybe he doesn't love you back passionately - yet. But at least he hasn't thrown you out or threatened to shoot you or hit you or tossed you out the window. The fire is burning and it is actually rather cosy. After a while Herr Hinkel shows up with a nice bottle of Mosel wine and when Herr Hinkel has left again and you are both sipping from your glasses your eyes catch Klaus's eyes and you nod your chin towards the bottle and smile at him. And the major frowns for a moment - but then he smiles back at you, just a little bit. And then you say it. You just come straight out and say it, just like that, as easy as could be. "Happy Valentine's Day, Major von dem Eberbach!" And the major frowns for a moment. "Bah!" he says. "Commercial humbug." And then you sit in silence for a while and the wine is actually rather acceptable and the fire is nice and the company is lovely. And then he says it. Just like that. "But I suppose it's tradition. Happy Valentine's Day, you British fop!"
THE END (AND YOU WON!)