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12 pages on a calendar, a full cycle
As the fourth season turned
After circling you for so long
The years have passed by and gone on.
It's not like his memory is something exceptional to note, but he can remember every little thing about her.
Because he was always there to watch her.
Because he was always there to silently support her.
Because he would never jet off to China or Japan or even just a meter away from her to play go game for some ten hours straight.
Poor choice of words, he thinks, reprimanding himself. He has flown off to the Air Force and probably missed so much with her…
And yet, catching up with her is so easy. It is, more than anything, the most natural thing in the world to Jung Hwan: talking to Sung Deok Sun. Arguing with her, sometimes, as well.
"You fly, too?" he asks, feeling the tug at his heart, as if it were fate.
"Yup! But not like you, obviously." Deok Sun grins goofily in the passenger seat beside him. "Ah, being a flight attendant is hard."
He can't help but smile, downplaying it by focusing on the road and the other cars. "Yeah, it must be. Take care of yourself."
She snorts. "What? You're being weird." When he doesn't reply, unsure of how to respond, she quietly mutters, "Okay. I will."
The moment I finally face you
Shining brighter than ever before
Do you see me right now?
The bar is bright and full of liveliness despite it being just a few of them inside. The group of friends bring the memories with them, wherever they go. Even into a bar they had never been to before, and to anywhere they’ll go in the future.
He knows he's no romantic like his brother. But he can still tell her.
Can't he?
He knows it is his last chance.
He wonders if Taek isn't here for a reason. By design.
He places the ring box on the table- but in front of her instead of Dong Ryong.
It has always been hers. He laughs. He's insane, to finally let her have it because Dong Ryong of all people egged him on.
"I like you."
Carried in full, along with the moonlight
I sent the one wish in my heart
The confession that came true
He takes it back quickly.
Maybe it is the worst mistake of his life doing so.
Maybe he will regret it forever, watching what his forever closed off, cowardly self has caused.
He is his own worst enemy.
For now though, he can listen to his friends laugh about it.
"I thought you were serious," Deok Sun says, red still. Jung Hwan is unsure of whether it is from the alcohol or his confession that went sideways. They are back in his car and will head to the next bar, where Taek awaits them.
He loves Taek too. Really.
He would give her up to him if she loved Taek. He wouldn't fight because firstly, he has no right to, and secondly… Taek is a better man than him. At least braver and sweeter.
"Seriously, you should have become an actor." Deok Sun sometimes talks to herself in one person conversations. She sounds embarrassed for the first time in her life, though. For all his teasing, Jung Hwan always appreciated how she could fill his silence with all of her quirks and charms.
He hasn't told a soul. It has always been a lonely fight alone… but he hasn't been fighting, has he? He had given up from the second it became a ‘battle’ to win Deok Sun's heart.
Some kind of man I am.
Taek is half a mile away at most. He loves her too. But doesn't Jung Hwan have the right to love her? Can he let an age of childhood love… become nothing?
He had nothing for a long time- you think he would have been satisfied winning the lottery. Now, he's begging the world to let him have everything by having her.
"I don't think I could be an actor if I had to improvise."
Jung Hwan can hear everything right now- her slight movements, the hitch in her breath, the whir of tires beside his car, and then everyone can hear the screech as he veers to the side of the road without warning and stops.
I'm sorry, Taek. I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm s-
"What are you doing!" Deok Sun shouts, mouth hanging open. "Jung Hwan, you almost gave me a heart attack!"
"I'm…" There is a sudden quiet now as he frantically puts together a moment of bravery. "Sorry about that. And for this… it might not help, though. "
He takes her hands. Always warm, enough so to override the awkward way he touches and speaks to her. "I love you."
She is processing that still, stuck between four different expressions of shock, so he makes things easier for her. He should have done so a million times before.
"I mean it."
Heart fluttering, as if dreaming
Unable to sleep for long, staying awake
Every night I dreamed of only you
He has dreamed of her a thousand times.
He's quite drunk tonight though, so he falls asleep easily. He has done… what he has meant to do for a long time.
For better or worse, let's just get rest tonight.
Deok Sun lies down by her sister without checking if she is asleep. Bo Ra doesn't scold her for coming home so late, indicating she is, but somehow Deok Sun feels they both have things to think about at the moment.
She has always hoped that someone would like her. For childish reasons, sure. To be in a relationship. To do couple-y things.
But for the first time, this time… She might really love him even if she were to receive nothing in return.
And to love is such an unassuming act in comparison to the yearning of wanting to be loved, ever loud and raging like a storm. With that desire quelled by his confession… she is now sure has loved him for a forever.
With each step, nervously heading towards you
Like this, like destiny
We’ve been pulled close, in search of each other
He has always been her secret favourite out of all the neighborhood kids.
Pulled to his house, pulled to his father, pulled to his side when they were eating or watching movies.
Had she known it? Deok Sun sits down, knees to her chest in the early morning sun, and contemplates. Well- no, but she easily could have if at any time she had thought about it seriously.
Dong Ryong is the one who first asked her to choose between them all. And she had known it then. Repressed within her, not to be said, because God , it really would be embarrassing to say that cold and argumentative Jung Pal was her favourite out of sweet Taek, caring Sun Woo, or fun Dong Ryong. She never had an excuse.
A sudden thought- she had her excuse now.
She grins and laughs like a madman, shaking with happiness. She is loved. She loves someone.
Bo Ra yanks the blanket off of her sister to cover her eyes from the light. "Hey! Get out or go back to bed!"
Deok Sun's insides feel warm and she just might be going insane- it’s a possibility. "I love you, Bo Ra-!"
Bo Ra grumbles and goes back to sleep.
Even when the long darkness comes
I will rise, dazzling bright
To shine on you and only you
You, you are my center
I’ll collect all of my days, give them all to you
It seems like nothing has changed.
Did he expect something to happen, really? It's Deok Sun. She's flaky and immature. She might have misunderstood or totally moved past it or… or something.
Maybe he is being a little harsh, but…
Jung Hwan looks at her giggling with his brother over finding Maggie again. It was fate for those two lovers. Is it fate for them…?
… he would really like a reply.
Jung Bong leaves with a cheery wave and Deok Sun skips over to the younger brother.
"I have the tickets!"
Another movie, just like old times. Still old times, honestly.
They get popcorn and sodas and laugh and whisper and scream- well, only Deok Sun screams. Despite his anxiousness, Jung Hwan can't help but have a good time with her. It's impossible to not.
The mood turns on its head when they both drop their hands into the popcorn bucket at the same time, brushing fingers.
Deok Sun's eyes widen comically large, and her lips part. Jung Hwan's anxiety takes a hold on him-
But he can't hesitate. If he does this, he'll do it right.
He locks his fingers into hers, which are buttery and salty. She swiftly turns her attention back to the movie screen and pulls their hands out of the bucket… but doesn't release his fingers.
Jung Hwan is so glad the theater is dark, because he can't hide his smile or pay attention to the film as Deok Sun grasps his hand tightly through all the frightening scenes and grabs popcorn with their interlocked hands during the lighthearted ones.
He won't be nervous. He moved past nervousness for two seconds and now he is holding the hand of the girl who is the center of his life.
A shining moment just for them.
On a night covered behind clouds
Even on days when I hide under starlight
Would you still look towards me
There were so many times he wondered if she liked Taek.
Sun Woo, of course, was his first crisis- an understandable one, good looking and well mannered- but then again, so well mannered that he couldn't like Deok Sun.
Ah, Jung Hwan is too smiley these days.
But not everyday can be easy. He still has to meet Taek.
It would have been just a simple lunch, Taek coming to visit him at the air force academy. Of course Jung Hwan had to ruin one of these rare visits by telling Taek what had happened between him and Deok Sun.
After the appetizer , Jung Hwan thinks. Or after the entree? Good lord he can’t stop freaking out.
"Jung Hwan," Taek interrupts his thoughts.
And he knows, somehow. Well, heck.
"You're with Deok Sun now, aren't you?" Taek, too good for this world Taek… "As man and woman?"
Jung Hwan can't say he likes the way it's phrased- or maybe he likes it too much(?)- but he can't deny it. It just had to happen before they got their food, though.
"I- we are..” He pokes his fork into the table. “Deok Sun and I are together now. It happened when we all went back for your birthday, a little while after that…"
Taek doesn't say anything. Jung Hwan realizes that he got unlucky- they both don't speak much, and they previously existed together in a comfortable silence, but now they're forced to talk about the one thing none of their friends could be here for.
"I should have asked your permission." Jung Hwan looks up at Taek unsurely and chuckles. "Now I have to ask your forgiveness."
Taek finally speaks, hurt etched into his words. "That's some birthday gift."
Jung Hwan opens his mouth to speak- to make the situation better in any unknown way- but Taek is already smiling now. Crying, too. He’s too soft for this world...
"You don't need to worry, Jung Hwan. This is what I look like after losing go game sometimes." He laughs- not bitterly, he could never- but in a way Jung Hwan didn't honestly know Taek was capable of. After all, he had just made several lighthearted remarks. He thinks they’re lighthearted, anyway...
"I hate how it had to be like this." Jung Hwan drills his fingernails into the table now. "I hate that I had to love her when you did. But I just…"
"You do," Taek says. "I know. I've been there. But I think you’ve been there first."
Jung Hwan laughs lightly. "No one would choose to be in love with Sung Deok Sun."
Taek nods to accept his attempt at a small joke, but Jung Hwan knows, with more conviction than he has contempt for the whole of the love triangle situation, that in a million universes he could only love Deok Sun.
Taek leaves before the food arrives, making Jung Hwan once again sad he lives so far away from everyone. Days are lonely without not just Deok Sun but all of the gang.
Jung Hwan pushes hard on the gas pedal and drives. It happened in a blur- the leaving of the restaurant, hopping into his car, and just gunning the engine.
All the way back to Ssangmun-dong.
These days he keeps calling out to a fate that presumably resides in the Heavens, and he should have done so a long time ago, even if it makes him look a desperate idiot, because arriving home he finds Deok Sun is leaning on the walls, waiting for him- or for something, he didn't know.
Her eyes meet his frantic ones. “Are you okay…?" Deok Sun asks, frankly in surprise at Jung Hwan's visible emotions. That surprise deepens when Jung Hwan strides over to hug her, his head falling onto her shoulders.
"Yes. Yeah. I am." Jung Hwan doesn't lift his head up, afraid of her reaction. "It's going to be okay."
Deok Sun pushes him off of her lightly. "Hey! You can't console yourself. That's why I'm here, Jung Hwan."
Jung Hwan can't see her behind his tears, but he is mesmerized. As long as she is looking towards him, he always will be.
I'd grow ever so small but then
A tad closer towards you
Again I wax and wane
They argue a lot, but it’s always pointless squabbling in the end.
And they kiss… a lot , and each one is a memento saved to his heart.
Sometimes… in the past… he had asked the world why life was so pointless. It could be so hard, and it never got much better, even if he eventually was able to wear nicer clothes and eat three meals a day.
It’s like a lucid dream now. Every thought like that is as fuzzy as his insides are when he’s with her.
He is more similar to his brother than he thought.
The time that we'll collect
With each step together
If I had known this destiny
I'd never have been afraid
[2020]
"Honey. Listen to this song."
Jung Hwan offers her his cellphone like he's done with mixtapes and cassettes in the past.
Deok Sun pulls it out of his hands and presses play, her eyes widening as the song plays- a soft melody. "This is pretty! But do you really listen to girl groups so often you'd find this?"
Jung Hwan huffs. "No, idiot. I have a pretty wife already. I meant… I wanted you to listen to the lyrics."
Deok Sun is caught between irritation and love. "Aigoo, you really know how to act like a teenager sometimes…"
“No, that’s you.”
Deok Sun ignores him and plays the song again, this time without a smile so she can concentrate.
When it ends, Jung Hwan having awkwardly leaned against the sofa in embarrassment, she looks at him.
"Does this remind you of us?" she asks softly- lovingly.
Jung Hwan sits down beside her and scratches his neck awkwardly. "I mean, well… it's more of my perspective."
Deok Sun laughs softly. "I was so worried I'd have to confess to you first and be rejected. I never thought you would ever confess."
"I still can't believe I fell for you."
"Who else would you like, anyways? You’re Jung Hwan, after all." She is bright. Like the sun but there for him to reach and orbit. "I love you."
He will say it over and over and over again. For all his failings he has won, because he can love Sung Deok Sun, always.
"I love you too."