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At first it was just an idea. Something that had suddenly dazzled Dazai’s mind and freckled his hazel eyes with sparkling amber specks.
"Let’s go away. You and me."
"... And where?"
"No matter where. As long as we’re together, every place will be a paradise."
It was just an idea that had crept into Chuuya and like an arterial tangle had traced the way to his heart, making him hope that there was still a chance for him.
Redemption. A new identity. A house.
Could have been, oh, what?
Everything. Whatever he wanted, whatever he wished.
Having a dog, maybe one of the big ones that don't bark all the time, or maybe a cat. Having any job in any city. The prospect of normality, far away from Tainted Sorrow and No Longer Human, far away from the taste of blood, death and suffering, made him feel alive.
Yet his partner was clinging to Port Mafia, like a leech of society with the evil whispering into his ears, like a ghost who sneaked into the dark and ungodly halls, livid circles and insomnia.
And when the time had come, when Chuuya had set their lives on a higher plane, when his car was already loaded with trivial objects - and yet they were what he had accumulated over the years, all that made him feel human - Dazai wasn't ready.
He wasn't ready to left his present life, in the good and the bad it was still his. It was what he knew, the only kind of existence his crooked soul could tolerate.
But Chuuya couldn't stay. Once he had tasted freedom, even in a fragment of his imagination, he could no longer go back.
////
Chuuya is alone in his hideout.
The hotel room where he has been staying for two nights is the first stop of his journey. He wouldn't be satisfied with the first city he visited, however beautiful and full of opportunities it is, his intent is to get as far away from Yokohama as possible.
The evening breeze bites his cheeks and accompanies the slow sway of his auburn locks; blue eyes run a text over his phone but his mind brings him back to smothered thoughts.
"You told me we'd go away together... I trusted you."
"Chuuya. You should understand that there is no place in the world for sinners, except in the hell of their existence."
"I don’t believe you. I’ll find my paradise without you."
His fingers bend firmly on the device when a second message flashes over the screen.
Dazai: Go back. You’re still in time.
Dazai: I miss you.
The grip falters at the last text, a gust of wind runs along his skin and makes it prickle, the leather jacket that embraces his ribs can no longer heat him up so he turns off his phone and crosses his arms over his torso, raising his gaze over the horizon that surrounds him; black and grey clouds, crescent moon, an asphalt like a black river, colored only by the crumbling white stripes on the sides.
He raises his chest, inhaling the evening air, squinting his eyelids and letting himself be lulled by the noises: horn in the distance, police sirens, chatter of the other hotel guests, the too-high volume of the tv next door. The bullets and the choked cries seem to belong to another era.
It'd have been perfect if Dazai had left with him. It'd have been his truly paradise.
////
The queen-size bed welcomes his shapes, the sheets are frosty and rub along his body like a veil of ice. It takes a while to heat him up, but as soon as he does, it’s like being in his old room. Crumpled under the covers, head tilted over the pillow and hands shielding his face. It’s like his old room, of course, what’s missing is Dazai.
He'd sneak in, whisper into his ear to keep sleeping, while his arms crossed his shapes and made him feel at home.
His fingernails pinch the lines of his hand, his jaw stiffens, his cheek presses harshly against the pillow.
He doesn’t want to, but he can’t help to think about Dazai, about the time spent together, and yet he knows he made the right choice. So why he feels so lonely? Why he feels so hurt?
"No matter where. As long as we’re together, every place will be a paradise."
Chuuya discards the sheets, throws himself out of bed and turns on his phone again, bringing the previous conversation with Dazai back to the screen.
Chuuya: I just wanted you to be willing to follow me wherever I went.
He scratches his head after typing that text. His bare palms glue to the floor and the elbows propped against the knees, waiting for his answer.
Dazai: Open the door.
Chuuya gasps with amazement, his backbone gets rigid and his eyes open wide.
It could be -
He pounces on the door and presses the handle with such force that almost crumbles under his fingers.
His lower lip quivers.
"Dazai... How did you find me?"
"I followed you. I waited for your answer to tell you. It seemed like you wanted to be alone." Dazai confesses and a hint of sadness runs through his face.
"You... Idiot." Chuuya ripples his hand into a fist but his fingers loosen at the sight of Dazai’s smile that seems to light up the room in the twilight.
His arm flutters in the air and lands by hooking Dazai's hips, his face buried at the base of his neck. And he feels like he doesn’t want to leave him anymore.
Dazai sinks his nose into his hair, squeezing his arms around his body and somehow his presence manages to calm Chuuya, manages to calm the flow of thoughts that besiege him. What happened, their quarrels, their misunderstandings, everything passed. Nothing seems matter anymore.
"No matter where. As long as we’re together, every place will be a paradise."