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Hanji stared at the hanger blankly. Her eyes glazed by tears, staring at the uniform of someone who was no longer beside her. Bole Tie was decorated with dark green opal felt oddly was not attached to those strong neck.
Hanji seemed to e able to smell the pint of mint spread out of his uniform, as if it was the owner still alive. With tears in her eyes, Hanji finally grabbed the Bole Tie that was supposed to be the symbol of the Scout leader.
For some reason, she felt that only that man deserved the Bole Tie.
Only that man deserves the title of commander.
And she, until her death day will always felt like a substitute. Not the commander. Forever, the blond man is the commander, at least for her.
A person who make anyone want to be loyal under his absolute command. The man who was so natural-looking as the valiant leader.
The item should be handed down by the former leader to the next leader when they weren’t a commander anymore. Either retired when they too old to handle their own body on the horse’ back, resign by their own will. Or died in battlefield. But now, those tie just a symbol from veterans of shigashina battle. The gift from The Queen for the survivors, ones who live by mercy, and keep alive to this merciless world and haunted with memory of their dead comrades.
An imaginary hand seemed to squeeze her heart tightly.
She tried hard not to remember that sadness anymore, there were too much nights where she still sobbed in silence because she remembered how the cold face looked back at her blankly. A lifeless pair of hollow oceans. A pair of eyes which Hanji never seen again.
TOK! TOK! TOK!
Hanji immediately wiped the traces of tears on her cheeks.
"Come in!"
"Danchou," ah, even that call still sounds odd in her ear, "The meeting with her majesty and the parlement is about to begin. Shall we go to the hall now? " Said Jean, who still wore an arm sling and bandages.
"Of course, let’s go!" Hanji yelled cheerfully as usual, as if nothing had happened just a moment ago.
//
"OI, maniac! Wake up!"
"What’ happening?!!? Baby Bean? Sweety Sawney!?!?! "
Hanji jolted from her drowse. For a moment confused with reality, woke up with a languid face and rimmed glasses attached tilted on her nose. The eye bags even have eye bags.
"Oh ... eh ... Um, where are we, Levi?" Hanji babbled while she tried to rebuild her awareness.
Levi Sighed, "We better continue tomorrow."
"Eeeh, I'm still strong how to make a strategy this time." Hanji insisted, she stand on a piece of paper with a semi-finished formation by her and Levi.
"Your brain might be still enthusiastic, but your body isn't. Get some rest. " Levi objected and pushing a much higher figure than him to sit back with his index finger.
"No way. I don’t need sleep." Hanji said stubbornly and then crossed her arms on her chest
"Get-some-rest! Listen to me or tie you up and throw you into your bedroom. I know you haven't slept in 5 days. " Levi growled with tense on each word and added with death glare.
Hanji just sighed. She deliberately did not want to sleep because she was always haunted by the figure of his former blond commander who appeared in his dream. It was quite painful to imagine that he would disappear when she woke up.
"I can't sleep. I had nightmares since ... yeah ... since ... "
Levi understood, besides him, Hanji was whom lost Erwin most. As he thought.
"Go to sleep, everyone from our squad is important to stay healthy. No one could take your task all of sudden. " Said Levi who still stopped at the mouth of the door
Hanji just smiled weakly. "I will try."
As soon as Levi left, it wasn't drowsiness that made Hanji suffer, but the silence that led her to drift to a moment where she covered the former commander who was fell asleep at the same table with a blanket, in the same chair, in the same room, but seems happened an eons ago.
"Good night, commander." she whispered what she said that day like a spell. But this time was more for herself. A drop of tear slowly trails from those closed eye. A bitter smile plastered while she drown into the darkness. A trip to nightmare that she bare every night.
//
The bald soldier helped him carry the documents of previous exploration documents. Ah, Hanji remembered his name. Connie Springer.
"Uhm, thank you for helping me, eh — Springer."
"No problem, Danchou. It's my duty as your subordinate to help. And, after all, you are a woman. You just have to ask to us anytime."
Hanji gasped for a moment, thrown into a similar moment,
"Oh, please Danchou!! You don't have to help me. " Hanji said uncomfortably and wavered around Erwin while he carried a box full of Hanji's Research documents.
"Like it's hard, if you need some help just say so. There’s plenty of men who can help you, levi, mike AND ME. " Erwin said furiously because he felt unhappy his charm as the most gallant man in the Scouting Legion Quarters was uncaptivating acording this most sureal creature of God.
"However, it is my responsibility to take care of it by myself. Your hand is too valuable to carry things like this. " Hanji said worriedly, afraid that someone might catch her to let the commander lift a heavy things as burden.
"You are a woman after all. Even people doubt it, but to me you are a woman, at least for me. Cherish yourself, please!" Erwin said with a serious expression and looked directly at Hanji. Saphire meets Hazel.
"All right, Danchou." Hanji muffled. She suddenly feel inferior against his word
"Remember it." Erwin said in the final tone.
//
"Kkh -" muffled moans disturbed the calm of the Scouting Legion commander's room that afternoon. Blood splattered uniform sprawled miserably around a mahogany table where Hanji was struggling to bandage her own arm that had been accidentally twisted during Re-maping Maria's Wall Operation. Large-scale operation which fortunately, only took a very few lives.
Hanji was still struggling with wide bandages wrapped around the shoulders to her chest. The pain has lessened with that bandages. But still, sore will still haunt her in the next few days. She immediately dismissed herself as soon as the closing operation was over. She also refused Sasha's offer to help her treat her shoulder, even though the pain was unbearable.
She stayed alone only by wearing a undershirt, and her lower body were still attached to the gear even though she had thrown off his boot. Her eye, her only right eye, glued to the table clock that already shows evening soon will going down.
Hanji keep silent. Actually, she could have asked Sasha for help, but she somehow preferred to imitate the stubborn behavior of someone who never let others touch his wound, let alone by himself than let people take care of his wound. Yes, nobody except Hanji or sometimes Levi .
Because Hanji was the one who would laugh at him if he sulked to insist to treat himself, and not nagging if he didn't take care of his own body, like typical of women in general, Petra for example. Because according to him, Laughter Hanji is more effective than even the higest level painkiller.
But on the contrary, if Hanji is injured, he will come while frowning. His remarkable thick eyebrows will waded as one like wild bushes. His glare will tremendously serious while scolding her to be more careful. Terrible indeed, but that's how he expressed his concern for this titan-filled brain creature.
"Hey danchou, aren't you angry because I'm hurting my self again, are you?" Hanji whispered to the empty air, not to anyone. she just want to fill empty echoes in her heart.
//
Hanji opened her eye slowly. She even couldn’t felt the pain, she felt her body was so lightweight, her lower body felt floating. She raised his hand to his forehead, and got fresh blood soaking it.
'Is it the end?' She wondered.
She gazed at the sky that turned orange with a blurred vision. Her goggle broke. Laying without weapons and without time left. She doesn’t care that no one can came at the time like this. She didn’t blame them, because maybe they themselves were fighting to defend their own lives.
Is it feels like, Erwin? When every drop of your blood separates from your body like drop by drop approaching eternal darkness, an inevitable death? Every drop of blood that caused regret after slaughtered hundreds of titans — humans — with your cutter blade ? Is this how it feels when your life is in edge but you still leave curiosity about the mysteries of this world?
Ah, luckily he remembered that he had left his research journals and laboratory for the colossal blonde. She hope Armin can resolve her curiosity in her undone research.
"Is it the time?" she muttered.
"Yes," the echo answered
With the rest of her strength, she unhooked her Bole Tie and laid it beside her weak body. She wish someone will find the successor Leader. Hanji thought of the Horse Face was also worthy of the position and her title.
The last thing Hanji heard was the roar of beast titan. The last thing she saw was a mindless titan lifted her from the ground and began to put Hanji's body in its mouth cavity. The last thing she felt was the heat in the titan's mouth and the smooth movement of his body towards the titan's stomach. And then, she smiled when the eternal darkness take her up. Ironicaly, fulfilled her crazy dream to know the inside of the titan’s organ. Fulfilled her curiosity about the feel of devoured by a human that turned out to be giant demon.
.
.
.
Once Hanji had opened her eyes, only warm feeling surrounded her. Her vision was no longer blurry even though she felt she wasn't using her glasses, even her left eye felt perfectly healthy. She looked down to find her body wrapped in a simple, clean white dress, and found her feet was bare even though she was not sure where she stood.
"Hey, tell me what happened there?"
The baritone's voice made her glance up to find who waiting for her there. He sat on meadows and look pleasant with a simple shirt and trousers. The commander's remarkable thick eyebrows still perched on his ocean eyes. Gave her thin smile, the smile that always brought Hanji back. Either from her madness about titan, or when her mind free wandered into the space. Or at this time, where she just felt ... home.
Hanji walked into the meadow then sat on empty space beside the commander. Erwin held out his hand. As if immediately she could saw all around them, in a hill and a view of sunset in the peaceful dusk. She blow a long breath while feel the comfort of the soft light at the end of the view
And with a smile and silent tears of joy, Hanji grab Erwin’s hand, which Hanji was grateful for and realized, so warm despite being so big and calloused compared to her slender and rough fingers. Erwin interwined their fingers, holding Hanji's hand safely in his grasp.
Hanji stared into Erwin’s eyes. She wanted to say everything, thousands of words in her mind.
"I screwed up."
“But in the end you got a change to browse that titan boy’s basement, right?”
Hanji leaned to Erwin’s board shoulder while kept her eyes drown into the man oceans, gave a witty stare at him, “For your sake, i do.”
Erwin just widened his eyes, unsure about Hanji’s bragging.
“Or may be more to myself. Yeah, there’s so much things happen when you gone.” Hanji muttered
Erwin chuckeld, “We have plenty time, so, tell me what did i miss?”