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You arrive to Grandpa Kripke's house for the annual SPN Family Feast. The Feast is everything. The family talks about it all year: Who will be there, who is cooking, what will be served, how will it be different from last year? The Feast binds the family together—family you see on a regular basis, family you run into from time to time, and family you forget exist until you see them at Grandpa Kripke's annual dinner.
You see the usual donation bucket at the door for this year's charity of choice and drop in a twenty before hanging your coat in the hall. Immediately you are greeted by cousins Adam and Robbie, who give you giant hugs and bring you into the front room where the table has been set (by Aunt Winnie, you mentally note, as cousins Dan and Stan are seated next to each other—again. They're related... When is she going to give it up?). You're a little embarrassed as you realize almost everyone is there. A few family members give you the side-eye. You know what they're thinking. We've been here since 10:00am. Where have you been? Family members will continue to trickle in throughout the day. It's not when people get here that's important, it's that the family is here at all that matters.
You sit next to Danielle and overhear her whisper to her sister, I can't believe Aunt Winnie seated Dan by Stan again this year. Everyone knows he's with Carl. They're meant to be! You stifle a sigh. Every year it's the same thing. Dan and Carl have been roommates throughout college. Roommates, whatever. Such a cliché. You don't know if there's any more to it than that, and frankly, it's none of your business. If they are together and want people to know, they'll tell people. It's just as likely they're very close friends. Either way, you admire their bond. But we always come back to this. Aunt Winnie has her ideas about Dan, Danielle has her ideas about Dan, and there's usually some sort of blowup. Those poor family members who only come to dinner once a year never know what hit 'em!
Right now there is a heated discussion across the table between 5 or 6 cousins about this year's menu. Adam, Robbie, Jim, Jeremy, and a few others are in charge of menu planning and cooking, and there is always a lively debate over whether the mashed potatoes have enough garlic, or whether we should have had green beans instead of corn. Insults about someone's momma start flying by the time we get to critiquing the dessert.
Joan stands up and points her finger at Adam, You obviously don't care about any of us! If you did, you would've baked an apple pie instead of this horrible, dry chocolate cake that none of us wanted in the first place. Everyone knows we all wanted apple pie. You are a disgrace to this table!
Will is quick to reply, Now wait just a damn minute. You don't speak for all of us, Joan. Year after year, it's apple pie. French apple pie, dutch apple pie, however you dress it up, we always get apple pie. I'm looking forward to a little chocolate cake this year, so just shut your mouth and leave Adam alone.
Joan turns a beautiful shade of purple. YOU DON'T GET IT, you can hear her talking in shouty caps, Apple pie is what this annual feast is about. This feast has gone steadily downhill in the last 3 years, the cooks don't know how to make a proper cake or pie. If we're not going to have apple pie, then I'll be forced to leave, she says. Joan stands there. She stands there for another beat. Joan's side of the family beg her to please sit down and stay, claiming that the feast wouldn't be the same if she walks out the door now. Joan sits and takes small bites of her chocolate cake, muttering about nutmeg and cinnamon.
You feel a little bad for Adam, confused as to why he got the brunt of Joan's wrath (was he the pie guy?) but for better or worse the whole display between Joan and Will livens things up a bit. You take another sip of wine and discretely check in on Adam.You seriously doubt Joan's outburst has affected him in the slightest. It hasn't. He's laughing and joking with Robbie, something about a comic book, Suicide Squad or Deadpool or something, and he's telling war stories about fanboys.
Dan steps out of the room to get more wine for the table. Will stage-whispers to the group, Hey, everyone, I'm really worried about Dan. He looks a little worn down today. Group discussion commences. By the time Dan returns, the family has decided it must be cancer, and they've raised $5000 to go toward his rent and tuition while he receives chemo treatment. Will proudly presents Dan with the check. Um, guys, Dan announces, I'm not sick. Perfectly healthy. I appreciate your concern and that you want to protect me, but I really don't need any assistance. The family almost looks disappointed. All that mother hen effort gone to waste. This isn't the first time the family has been quick, too quick, to help or defend or protect. More mother tiger than mother hen, perhaps.
You linger over your chocolate cake, pour yourself a healthy glass of wine, and admire the vintage Dan brought up from the wine cellar. This is a beautiful 2010 pinot, you compliment Grandpa Kripke. Actually, Laura pipes up, it's a 2011. It was a small harvest that year. The grapes were affected by an early freeze, but the winery was able to rescue a portion of the vineyard to produce a limited run. You raise an eyebrow. Thank you for the information, you say. All the same, Grandpa Kripke, it's a very good bottle of wine. Thank you for sharing it with us. You're not sure how the difference in year affects your attempt at a compliment, but you know that details can be important to a wine connoisseur so you let it pass.
But you're getting irritated.
At this point, Danielle stands up and says, I just can't do this anymore, Aunt Winnie. Year after year, you sit Stan and Dan next to each other at the table, hoping for—I don't know what—romance to bloom between COUSINS? It's offensive and you're offensive and it must stop! What you are doing is wrong, and if no one else will stand up for what's right, then I WILL. She pounds the table with her fist for emphasis. We should have a choice about where to sit. And I want apple pie. And Adam is a horrible cook and should be fired! Why can't we just sit where we want? I'm angry and my feelings are hurt by all these injustices, and you need to know about it. Aunt Winnie, you are an awful, horrible human being by taking our choice away. You should be removed from this family immediately. I'm not keeping my opinions and feelings stuffed down any longer! And then Danielle throws her water in Aunt Winnie's face. A collective gasp goes through the room. And then silence.
Will quietly gets up and escorts Danielle from the room. All the while she is screaming, I have a right to my feelings! You can't tell me how to feel! They're almost to the front door so it's faint, but you hear Will reply, You do have a right to your feelings. You don't have a right to hurt other people because of how you feel. I'm going to ask you to leave now, but you can come back as soon as you can respect your family members. All of them.
You're feeling a little ill. This is your family and you love them. But right now you don't like them all that much. You wish they could be different, that they could understand what a great thing Grandpa Kripke has given them by hosting this feast, and the wonderful things your family does for each other. But every year the feast turns out the same way and you wonder why some of the family even bother. You look up from your wine glass and see Adam has taken the seat next to you.
Hey there, Judgy McJudgerson. What? Who is he talking to? You??
I see you sitting there, watching the drama unfold. I see you outlining your next blog post in your head about the family. Oh yes, I know what you family members get up to online.
You might be blushing.
Look, we're a family, right?
You nod.
This is what family does. We're all a little nuts. Put us all in a room together, fireworks are inevitable.
But you know what else family does?
What does family do?
Well, they're not supposed to make you feel good!
We both laugh.
Family accepts each other. Sometimes we have to set boundaries to protect ourselves and remind each other where those boundaries are, but at the end of the day, all of us know we always have a place at the table.
We all know Aunt Winnie has strange ideas about Stan and Dan, we all know some people think Dan is with Carl. We all know people are going to bitch and moan about the food and how they would've done things differently. We all know someone is going to cross the line and show their ass. We come together because we are a haven for those who are “other” or “outside.” If you want superficial harmony, go have dinner with the Beliebers down the street.
Yeah, okay.
This is so going in your next blog post.
~End~