Archive of Our Own

“I could recognize him by touch alone, by smell; I would know him blind, by the way his breaths came and his feet stuck the earth. I would know him in death, at the end of the world.”

Madeline Miller

November, 2015

It starts on a normal day, or so Kei thinks.

He doesn’t remember much about the accident that crushed his bones and left him prostrated in bed for months; but he remembers the depression that followed, even if it’s rather hazy.

He’s doing better, now. He has finally managed to establish a routine and follow it thoroughly. He goes to college on mornings. He has dropped many classes due to his recovery, so that semester in particular is rather relaxed. That was partially a good thing, because even though he was mostly functional at that point, he still had days where the simplest of tasks burned him out. An overthinker by nature, though, too much leisure time was perjudicial for his mental health, and so his therapist had recommended him to look for an easy part-time job after his classes. That’s why he got the job as one of the secretaries in that clinic buried in one of the skyscrapers of downtown Tokyo: Lacuna Inc.

It’s a weird place, to say the least. They specialize in this method of selectively deleting someone’s memories. Most people use it to erase painful memories of relationships that ended badly, but it can actually be used to delete practically any memory whatsoever. Kei’s job is simple: he schedules the appointments, deals with the clients and takes the phone calls. But no matter how easy the job seems, working at Lacuna requires a very specific temperament. (Sometimes it can get quite dramatic: some people burst out crying, yell, or beg when they ask for an appointment; amongst other stuff).

The ‘procedure’ as they call it, takes place at the clients’ home so they won’t be disoriented when they wake up. Kei has never seen how they come out of it, how they become clean slates again, but only the thought of it gives him goosebumps.

Still, the payment is decent and the shift hours are flexible, and he doesn’t have to work all that much, so he keeps his discomfort to himself. He’s wondered what he’s going to do once he graduates since he doesn’t want to work at Lacuna for more than necessary, but the lack of a certain answer is even more disconcerting than his feelings for the job.

November, though, is a busy month that doesn’t allow him to dwell on that much. Christmas is coming soon, which means that people get sentimental and nostalgic and some of them can’t deal with that. Kei’s eyes sting from constantly looking at the screen of his computer after booking so many appointments that day.

It’s when his shift is about to end when he appears.

A young man enters the clinic and the atmosphere immediately changes. Kei doesn’t pay too much attention to him though.

“Welcome to Lacuna, how can we help you?” He greets in a neutral tone, but it’s when he looks up and meets the stranger’s gaze that his stomach turns.

The young man is tall and muscular, his hair a mess. His eyes are small, red-rimmed. He won’t stop shaking.

“Um,” Kei says stupidly. It catches him off guard.

“You… you really did this?” the man asks. People are staring.

“Um. What?” Kei asks, confused.

“You really don’t know who I am?”

Kei’s mouth is suddenly so, so dry. He doesn’t even know this man and he’s already putting him on edge.

“I’m sorry sir,” he tries to say as professionally as he can. “I think you must be confused.”

The man’s expression falls. He clenches his hands and jaw, visibly trying not to cry. Kei is paralyzed — he should be used to this, but there’s something about this person that makes him really nervous. He opens his mouth to say something comforting, but before he can think of anything, the man nods.

“Okay,” he whispers in a broken voice. “Okay.”

Then he storms out.

“He came back yesterday,” Oikawa tells Kei three days after that. “That guy, dude, the one you told me about. He booked an appointment — I think they’re doing it in like two weeks or so.”

“Ah,” Kei answers, for lack of a better response.

Oikawa gives him a weird look and takes a sip of water.

“Are you okay, Tsukki-chan?”

Oikawa Tooru was this guy Kei knew from Miyagi, but if they asked him exactly where from, he wouldn’t be able to tell. He was a hard-working setter and had plans of going to Argentina the next year to keep training and become a professional player. He was Kei’s senpai at work and sometimes stayed a little bit after his shift ended and Kei’s begun just to gossip for a while.

He used to call him 'Specs' at first, but somewhere down the road of being coworkers, Kei stopped being 'Specs' and became 'Tsukki-chan'. It was annoying at first, but Oikawa ignored Kei’s protests until Kei had gotten used to the ridiculous nickname.

He did remember the first time he’d met Oikawa at work. Upon seeing him, Kei had immediately been struck with an immense respect for Oikawa, and if he were honest, a certain wariness too. He didn’t know where those feelings came from, since he was pretty sure he had never really talked to Oikawa before. Yet when Oikawa trained him for the job, he was anything but kind and looked at Kei with something akin to pity. Kei guessed he had heard about the accident or something, and he hated it. Thankfully, those looks faded away after a couple of days and were replaced with Oikawa’s harmless jabs, nicknames and such.

(Kei still felt that there was something that Oikawa was hiding; but he didn’t know how to ask.)

In the end though, Oikawa could be annoying and a bit narcissistic, but he was a good person that took care of his ‘dear kohai Tsukki-chan’ in his own weird way.

“Yeah,” Kei replies. “By the way, how is Iwaizumi-san doing in California? I saw the picture he posted on Instagram with that Ushijima guy you always trash talk.”

Oikawa spits the water he’s drinking and nearly chokes. Kei feels relieved — if there’s something more disconcerting than Oikawa being annoying, that’s him being openly gentle.

Kei sees the guy again exactly a day after the two weeks pass.

(It’s not like he’s been counting).

He’s leaving work by night when he spots him wandering around the Lacuna building. The powerful aura he carried with himself that first afternoon is gone — he just looks lost.

Kei stares at him for a moment. The streets are crowded so the guy doesn’t see him. He’s just standing there in the middle of the sidewalk, looking around as if searching for something. Kei’s palms are sweaty and he doesn’t understand why since it’s so cold. He sighs and tries not to give it much thought as he approaches the man. When he gets closer, the man finally spots him and his eyes go a little wider.

Kei’s stomach does a flip, but it’s too late now. They have made eye contact. He takes a deep breath and goes up to talk to him.

“Hi,” he says. His heart is beating so quickly he feels like he’s going to die. He wonders if the man is going to snap like he did the other day, but he doesn’t. He only stares at Kei.

“Hey.”

“Um. Are you lost?”

The man’s expression does something weird.

“I… I don’t know. I was… I was on my way home and all of a sudden I passed by this street and I felt a hunch that I should come here, but. I don’t know why.”

“Ah,” Kei wonders what his expression is doing. It seems the man hasn’t recognized him and Kei wonders if something in the procedure went wrong or what memories they mapped for him to be erased too. It happens sometimes — the procedure is permanent, but it isn’t perfect, so sometimes additional unrelated memories get deleted too.

Kei can’t help but feel a little bit sorry for that guy. He knows that one of the side effects after going through the procedure is disorientation. The guy had probably came back there unconsciously, to the place where he asked to be ripped from his memories. Kei wishes he could tell him, only because he looks a bit desperate, but doing so is against his contract.

“It happens,” Kei offers uselessly, a bit late.

“Yeah…” a lazy smile creeps across the man’s lips, but it’s too weak to reach his eyes. “I’m Kuroo Tetsurou, by the way.”

He offers a hand. Kei takes it and he doesn’t know why, he squeezes it a bit tight. A wave of electricity goes through his spine and he just knows that he won’t be getting home that night.

(Kuroo is exactly his type.)

“Tsukishima Kei.”

He offers to accompany Kuroo to the subway with the excuse that he’s going there, too. When they get there, before they part ways, Kuroo takes a chance and invites him over for dinner, ‘as a thank you’.

It’s okay, Kei thinks. It’s been a while since he has had a one night stand. Kuroo's rented apartment is nice and smells familiar, and when he buries his head in Kei’s neck, he barely has time to laugh. “Tickles,” Kei giggles, stroking the rebel black tresses, and then gasps when Kuroo sucks on his neck. Kei’s lanky limbs embrace Kuroo, because he gets it, he gets the feeling of being lost and scared and of everything being too illusory, of reality escaping like water between his fingers and he won’t let go of this instant. Kuroo is real, Kuroo is tangible and it’s both wonderful and scary because he knows exactly where and how to touch him to make him exposed. Kei feels seen, deep inside in the emptiness of his soul, but he will worry about that in the morning. For a moment they’re eternal, and Kuroo moving against himself is so overwhelming and real that Kei cries when he comes, because Kuroo feels like coming home to.

He wakes first in the morning, right before dawn. Kuroo is asleep, one hand over Kei’s bare chest. Kei does his best to move him without waking him up and indulges himself to look at him for a minute before leaving. He looks better like that, less lost, more innocent, almost like a child. Kei’s heart does a funny thing in his chest and he knows that that guy is dangerous, that guy could make him fall.

That’s why he leaves without saying goodbye.

He meets Kuroo a week after that.

It’s when Kei leaves work that he sees him standing there. Kuroo’s hair and his visible awkwardness grasps his attention even in the crowded streets.

Kei glares as he approaches him. Kuroo’s eyes widen when they meet Kei’s.

“What the hell are you doing here?” Kei snaps.

“I’m sorry,” Kuroo begins. “I’m sorry, I know, this is totally inappropriate — there’s a reason you didn’t stay in the morning that day, didn’t leave a note or anything. But. I feel. So lost lately, and,” Kuroo says desperately, breathless; “the only time I haven’t felt that way was that night. And I don’t know… I don’t know where I’m trying to get with this, I don’t wanna make you feel obligated to do anything but I just don’t understand and I feel so scared and I—“

“Hey,” Kei interrupts, placing his hand firmly on Kuroo’s shoulder and squeezing. “Breathe.”

Kuroo’s expression wavers, like he’s about to cry. He hides in Kei’s shoulder, his breathing audible and ragged. Kei is initially caught by surprise but Kuroo’s too upset so he lets him.

He’s never been the one to comfort someone and yet he finds himself holding Kuroo’s shaky frame and whispering sweet nothings like ‘It’s okay’ and ‘Breathe.’

“I’m sorry,” Kuroo says once he’s calmed down. He hasn’t cried, but he still looks upset. Kei averts his intense gaze.

“It’s fine,” and then in a lower tone; “I get it.”

Kuroo’s eyes widen.

“You do?”

“More than you’d think.”

And so they end up tangled up in the sheets again, except this time it’s in Kei’s small student apartment; and there’s something about Kuroo’s smell that makes Kei wonder if soulmates exist even if he thinks himself pathetic for believing so; but there’s something so familiar and intimate about it, like remembering your mom’s cooking or the first time you went to the beach. Kuroo feels certain, and firm, so Kei holds him close and doesn’t let go.

Kei wakes up the next morning to the smell of food. He goes to the kitchen and finds Kuroo there, humming and cooking and with his hair and clothes in disarray. The moment is so domestic that he freezes. He wants to go back into the room and process it but Kuroo spots him right away and gives him a toothy grin that makes Kei weak in the knees.

“Hey. Good morning.”

“Morning.”

Kuroo makes an attempt to kiss him but Kei pushes him away softly. “I have to brush my teeth first,” he excuses himself. He goes to the bathroom and sits on the floor until he composes himself, then brushes his teeth, washes his face and takes his bottle of pills. When he feels a little bit more in control he goes back to face Kuroo.

“Morning,” Kuroo repeats. He looks strangely shy (it doesn’t suit him) and he doesn’t try to kiss Kei again. Kei sighs and tries to ignore him. He pours himself a glass of water and takes a pill.

“So,” Kuroo finally says. “I hope you like pancakes?”

“Yeah. Thanks.”

“No prob.”

Kei helps Kuroo by setting the table. Kuroo sits and just as Kei’s about to eat, he speaks.

“I was wondering if you would like to meet again tomorrow? I mean, if you want, of course. No pressur—“

“I can’t.”

“Oh. Okay.”

Kuroo looks like he’s been punched in the stomach. Kei’s heart skips a beat.

“It’s not that… That I don’t… Ugh, I have an appointment, okay?” Kei explains. He takes the forgotten bottle of pills and puts him a bit brusquely in front of Kuroo’s eyes.

“I see my therapist once a week.”

Kuroo clears his throat.

“Those are…”

“Antidepressants,” Kei informs.

“Ah,” says Kuroo, and Kei loses his appetite. It’s always like this: the minute he tells somebody about it apparently turns him into a basket case or something. And Kuroo, with all his intensity and mystery and weird familiarity is just the same as the others; at least until he speaks again:

“What about the day after that?”

Kei realizes he had been clutching his fork way too tightly, and he lets it fall in the plate with a clank.

“Yeah,” he whispers. “Yeah, I’d like that.”

Kuroo smiles softly.

When Kei talks to his therapist about this budding relationship of his, she seems extremely curious and happy about it. However, as soon as he drops Kuroo’s name he doesn’t miss how his therapist’s expression shifts for a second. She goes pale and serious, then turns back into a neutral expression. It’s so well practiced that most people wouldn’t notice, but Kei is quite observant. He frowns, asks her what’s wrong. She starts asking him many questions that feel a little out of place — normally, when she does so, it’s so that Kei can reflect on his behavior out loud. This kind of questions (‘Where did you meet him? How? How does he treat you? How long have you been dating so far?’) seem more of the type you would ask somebody when you’re deliberately looking for information. And Kei finds it strange, so when he asks why she’s so insisting, her face falls and she just asks him if he’s ready for a relationship.

Kei’s mouth goes dry. She worries about him, is all. He finds it sweet.

Kei nods in answer to her question and a million emotions cross her face, but in the end she settles for a kind, warm smile.

She gives Kei a hug when the session is over, and asks him to take things slowly, not to fall in too deep too fast. Kei tells her yes, he’ll be careful.

(He’s lying through his teeth. He’s already in too deep, but he doesn’t want to make her worry any more).

Kuroo: Hey

Kei: Hey

Kuroo: How did therapy go?

Kei smiles softly. He’s exhausted, and quite frankly, a little melancholic — he always gets a bit blue after the sessions. Kuroo’s sweetness does makes him feel a little better, at least. He feels a bit more… normal, to put it some way. Like, despite everything that’s wrong with him, he can be loved and cared for.

Kei: It went okay. I’m exhausted though.

Kuroo: That’s alright. Rest a lot.

Kuroo: Btw

Kuroo: Tomorrow’s still on, right?

Kei: Yeah, why?

Kuroo: Just checking.

Kuroo: I’ll meet you at your work, okay?

Kei: Okay.

Kuroo: :)

Kuroo: Goodnight!!

And then he proceeds to send him a bunch of heart emojis. Kei’s eyelids feel so heavy and he doesn’t get to reply. He falls asleep on the couch, phone in hand and a small smile on his face that disappears during the night.

He dreams of nothing he can remember, but he wakes up with wet eyes and a feeling of nostalgia he can’t explain.

He blames it on the depression.

He has a really boring day. On Saturdays he works until noon and it goes by in a blur, until his shift is about to end and he starts getting antsy in anticipation to see Kuroo. Kuroo is already outside the building when he’s off work. He smiles when he sees Kei and Kei’s heart does something funny.

“Hi.” Kuroo approaches him. Kei thinks he’s going for the kiss, but Kuroo only takes his hand.

“Hi.”

“So, the plan for today. I want us to go together somewhere, but it’s a surprise. You up for it?”

“It’s nothing weird, right?” Kei asks suspiciously.

“No, I promise. I think you’re gonna like it. I hope, I mean.”

“Okay.”

They take the subway. Giving the route they take, Kei notices that it would’ve been easier to meet at Kuroo’s and go together from there. When he points this out to Kuroo, he says he wanted to go with Kei.

It makes him feel warm.

They arrive at an art museum Kei has never been to. Kei thinks it’s neat, even though painting has never been much of his interest. When they go inside, however, it turns out that  they’re hosting a temporary exhibit on the history of British rock music on the first floor. Kei’s eyes widen (first of all, how did he not know there was such a thing there? He has been really disconnected lately; and second: how did Kuroo know he’d like this?)

Kei stares at Kuroo, speechless, and asks him about it. Kuroo shrugs, flustered.

“I don’t know why, but I had a feeling you'd like this. I can’t… I can’t really explain it, to be honest. I thought of the Paleontology Museum too but I had a feeling you already knew it too well, so… yeah.”

He seems a bit at discomfort, but Kei is so excited that he kisses him. Kuroo freezes — yes, it’s not like it’s the first time Kei kisses him, but there’s something different about it.

“Hey… Tsukki. Are we dating?”

Kei blinks.

“I mean… this is a date, right? So... I guess we are. Unless… you don’t want to?”

“No, no! I mean, yes, this is a date, it’s what I meant it to be, but I wanted to be sure we were on the same page… I do. I wanna date you. I wanna be your boyfriend.”

Normally Kei would be so scared and freak out because they’re going too fast, but there’s something he can’t place about Kuroo. Something that doesn’t make him feel threatening or unknown. So…

“I do, too. I wanna be your boyfriend too.”

Kuroo smiles, wide and sincere.

“Cool.”

They leave the museum after a couple of hours to get something to eat.

As they walk the city, hand in hand like lovers do, Kuroo asks:

“Hey Tsukki, do I know you from somewhere? Before?”

“No,” replies Kei. “I know what you mean, tho.”

Kuroo gives a big sigh.

Kei gets it. He has that annoying feeling too, like something is missing, a piece of the puzzle, some key information he is unable to grasp. And it scares him to the core, that this is an illusion and they’re walking on thin ice, so he holds on tighter to Kuroo’s hand and hopes for the best.

They spend the rest of the weekend together, holed up in Kuroo’s apartment. Monday arrives in a flash and Kei skips breakfast to make out with Kuroo. On his way to college, wearing Kuroo’s clothes, his head is everywhere except where it needs to be, so he misses his stop and ends up arriving late to class.

By the time he’s done with school his head is still in the clouds, especially when he gets a text from Kuroo on his way to work. It’s a simple ‘I miss you, have a good day’ and a bunch of heart emojis, but it makes Kei smile wide. The smile stays in place until he gets to Lacuna, and of course, Oikawa doesn’t miss it.

“What’s his name?” he asks, arching his eyebrows. Kei plays dumb and luckily for him, Oikawa doesn’t insist much because he’s in a rush.

He calls him in the middle of Kei’s shift and practically begs him to take care of his littlest nephew, Takeru’s younger brother.

“Big sister had asked me last week, but I forgot, and I really can’t skip practice just like that. And Takeru’s with his new little girlfriend, he’s at that age. Please, Tsukki-chan? Could you take care of him? I promise you he’s way less trouble than Takeru. Please?”

Kei accepts because he doesn’t want to be the asshole that stopped Oikawa from becoming the world’s greatest player or something. And maybe because he’s a little fond of the guy, too, but he’s not admitting to that.

Oikawa is so thankful he’s sending him kisses through the phone, which is annoying and it makes Kei blush.

“Stop doing that or I won’t help you.”

“Tsukki-chan, so mean! But seriously — I owe you one. Thank you so much. You can invite your new boyfriend so you won’t feel lonely but just… don’t do anything weird okay? Love you!”

Before Kei can reproach, Oikawa has already hung up.

Kei sighs.

Kuroo texts him like half an hour later, asking him if he’s free after work. Kei tells him about the favor Oikawa asked him and inquires him if he wants to join. Surprisingly, Kuroo does.

Kuroo: I’ll meet you after practice there. Could you send the location?

Kei does. Kuro replies with a bunch of cheesy emojis that make Kei smile despite himself.

Kei arrive’s to Oikawa’s sister’s. Oikawa is there, and he hugs him and kisses his cheek no matter how much Kei tries to dodge him. He’s is very thankful for the favor, he says.

Touya Oikawa is this three year old child that’s way calmer than his older brother.

The truth is that Kei isn’t very good with children. He doesn’t know how to treat them or how to deal with them. He barely remembers being one, he just knows that he hated when people talked to him in a condescending manner just because he was young. The thought makes him smile as Oikawa leaves, but it soon vanishes. If he thinks about it, there’s so much of his life he doesn’t remember. He doesn’t remember being a child. He doesn't remember much of high school either, except for studying a lot and hanging out with Yamaguchi. Yamaguchi… thinking of him makes him frown. They used to be so close, the kind of friends that can speak to each other with silences more than with words. The silences feel different now, though, and it isn't due to physical distance or college life. Yamaguchi used to be the kind of friend that knew how to deal with Kei’s apparent aloofness with an open smile, and it’s weird because now when he talks to him or see him, the smile is still in place but it feels different. Kei knows there’s something going on, something Yamaguchi isn’t telling him but he isn’t brave enough to bring it up.

Touya Oikawa, Kei discovers as he walks into his room, shares Kei’s fascination with dinosaurs. That makes things easy. It’s easy for him to play with the kid once they discover they have that in common, and it distracts him from thinking of unpleasant stuff. He finds himself laughing sincerely quite often and the sound of his own laughter takes him by surprise.

Kuroo arrives a while later, when Kei and Touya are going through a dinosaur encyclopedia. He smiles and says:

“Ah, I had brought my favorite children's book, but I see that you’re already very entertained.”

Kei is curious.

“What’s your favorite book?”

Kuroo sits with them on the floor and takes out a copy of The Little Prince from his shoulder bag.

Kei furrows his eyebrows.

“That’s not for children,” he points out.

“I mean, it’s for all ages. God knows I’ve re-read it every time I’m going through harsh stuff, and I always find new things about it to unravel. It speaks to me differently each time, and it helps me gain perspective. I also think,” Kuroo rambles, perhaps a bit embarrassed of that display of raw honesty; “that whichever part strikes you the most says a lot about yourself.”

He looks at Kei, a silent question shining in his eyes.

Kei is bashful to admit that in middle school, he had to read the book again and write an essay about it for his Literature class. He remembers being grumpy about the assignment, thinking it was so stupid that they made them read again such a simple book that was meant for children. And he remembers, with great distaste, the part that struck him. It was the chapter where the Little Prince meets a fox. The fox asks him to tame him, and the Little Prince does. Back then, it made him feel angry. He’d felt so seen through the fox’s character; so disillusioned by his brother’s lies that he had built this façade of being too cool to be affected by other people's business, too cool to form friendships aside from loyal Yamaguchi, and yet so eager to be touched and loved and cherished like everybody else. He wasn’t as brave as the fox to ask for it back then, but damn he’s trying now.

And Kuroo — he’s so warm, patient, and honest, that Kei finds himself eager to reveal himself to him; to share that same openness.

So he searches for the chapter and reads it out loud.

“ ..."My life is very monotonous," the fox said. "I hunt chickens; men hunt me. All the chickens are just alike, and all the men are just alike. And, in consequence, I am a little bored. But if you tame me, it will be as if the sun came to shine on my life. I shall know the sound of a step that will be different from all the others. Other steps send me hurrying back underneath the ground. Yours will call me, like music, out of my burrow. And then look: you see the grain-fields down yonder? I do not eat bread. Wheat is of no use to me. The wheat fields have nothing to say to me. And that is sad. But you have hair that is the color of gold. Think how wonderful that will be when you have tamed me! The grain, which is also golden, will bring me back the thought of you. And I shall love to listen to the wind in the wheat . . ."

The fox gazed at the little prince, for a long time. ” Kei made a pause to stare into Kuroo’s eyes, deep, enthralling. Then he went on in a whisper, too embarrassed, but — this was important.

“ "Please—tame me!" he said. ” Kei finished, face burning. Kuroo was smiling at him, his eyes full of fondness.

“ "I want to, very much," ” he quoted, and Kei would’ve kissed him right there if it weren't for Touya.

Oikawa gets home about half an hour later, showered and smelling of soap. Kei hears him knock and stands up to meet him.

“How was practice?” Kei greets.

“Great,” Oikawa sighs. He seems tired but satisfied. “Ah, seriously, thank you so much for this. I really owe you one. Where’s Touya?”

“He’s in his room, playing with Kuroo.”

“Ah, oka— wait, what?”

Kei blinks. “Kuroo Tetsurou? My boyfriend. You know, that guy who—”

“I know. I remember him.” Oikawa cuts off.

“Oh.”

“I didn’t know he was your boyfriend.”

“Yeah, um… he’s an alright guy.”

“You sure?”

“Yeah.”

At the lack of something better to add, Kei awkwardly leaves for the room. Oikawa bites his lip and wonders if he’s looking pale.

He should tell Kei, he guesses. Ugh — this is why he hated working at Lacuna sometimes: this kind of things were more common than one would imagine, the subconscious a more powerful force than one would think. Not everybody was qualified to work at Lacuna: you needed to have a certain stomach, both to deal with the customers that got too sentimental when booking the appointments but most importantly, to deal with the ones that sort of remembered. People walking disoriented into the establishment; some at the brink of a panic attack because there seemed to be something missing and yet everything seemed so unknown and so weirdly familiar at the same time; going through the procedure again; etc, were episodes that some people might find disturbing, but for the workers at Lacuna were nothing more than occupational hazards. Because that was what happened when you messed up with something as mysterious and complex as the brain; and because it was a new procedure that didn’t have a 100% success rate. Not to mention they never messed up with the subconscious mind, since it was such an unexplored subject that tampering with it could be very dangerous. It made Oikawa remember that Adam Sandler movie he’d seen years ago on a Sunday on the TV, the one where he fell for a girl that couldn’t remember anything after one day. By the end of the movie, it turned out that even if she couldn't remember him properly, she couldn’t stop painting him over and over again because deep there in her subconscious, he was still there.

He sighs and follows Kei into the room. He’s going to tell him, he thinks with bravery, but all that energy goes away the moment he sees Kuroo Tetsurou arguing with his nephew about which dinosaur is better, and Kei sides with Touya just to annoy his old-new boyfriend. He’s smiling so wide and honest at Kuroo’s fake annoyance that Oikawa doesn’t have the heart to tell him.

He will. But not there. It’s just that… it’s just that it has been many months since a smile has graced Kei’s face, is all.

They’re planning to spend Christmas together, just a simple dinner at Kei’s. A few days before that, however, Kuroo texts him and lets him know that two of his best friends, Bokuto and Akaashi, are thrilled to meet his new boyfriend and have invited them to have dinner with them.

Kei accepts because he knows this is important for Kuroo, even if it makes him nervous.

They don’t see much of each other in the days prior to the important date. They’re both busy with college, work and exams before the Christmas break. Being so busy makes the special occasion arrive sooner than expected. 

They meet at Kei’s by the evening. They share a long hug, and when they break away, Kei sees the deep purple bags under Kuroo’s eyes.

Kuroo doesn’t miss that glance and shrugs. “School is driving me crazy, but I’m finally done for this semester,” he says.

“Do you wanna nap a little before we go there? It’s still early.”

“Nah. If I sleep now I probably won’t wake up in like, three days or something. Plus, in a couple of hours the streets will be more crowded.”

“True,” Kei admits, so they leave.

Akaashi is finishing setting up the table when the doorbell rings. “I’m coming!” Bokuto exclaims. He looks through the peephole before opening and—

“AKAASHI!” he yells. Akaashi is used to him yelling but it still makes him give a start.

“What is it, Bokuto.”

“I — you — Kuroo, Kuroo’s boyfriend—” he stammers, pale. “Tsukki,” he finishes with a sigh.

“What.” Incredulous, Akaashi looks through the peephole. Indeed, the ‘new’ boyfriend Kuroo had told them about turns out to be no less than Tsukishima Kei.

“Oh God,” he looks at Bokuto. Bokuto’s amber eyes are wide. He bets he looks as panicked as Bokuto does.

“What do we do,” Bokuto hisses, lowering his voice to a panicked mumble. “What do we do about it? Should we tell them?”

For once, Akaashi doesn’t have the answer.

“I don’t know.”

The doorbell rings again.

“For Christ’s sake,” Akaashi pinches the bridge of his nose. As if on cue, the doorbell begins ringing incessantly. It must be Kuroo having one of those moments where we wants to get on their nerves, and he’s succeeding. Akaashi groans and Bokuto yells, “One minute!” before anxiously looking at his partner again.

Akaashi closes his eyes tight and tries to focus. “I think,” he sighs; “I think we should go with the flow.”

Bokuto tilts his head.

“What do you mean?”

“I mean I don’t think it’s the time to tell them.”

Bokuto’s face turns sour.

“But Kuroo—”

“I know,” Akaashi cuts him. “He’s my friend too, you know? And Tsukishima, too, even if he cut us off. But,” Akaashi goes on; “it’s Christmas eve. It’s really not the time. We’ll tell Kuroo after tonight. Plus, we need to be sure of how they would take it. It’s been a while since we don’t see Tsukishima.”

“Because he didn’t want us to,” Bokuto grumbles. Akaashi gives him a look, and Bokuto’s expression softens. “I’m sorry. I’m just… worried.”

“Me too,” Akaashi agrees. He squeezes Bokuto’s shoulder. “But they’re already together. I highly doubt a couple of days will make a difference. It’s better to assess the situation and then decide how we’ll handle it.”

“Yes, yes, yes. Akaaaashi, you’re always right." Bokuto sighs. "So we’ll just act like we don’t know Tsukki?”

Akaashi smiles sympathetically at Bokuto. He shrugs.

“I guess. You think you can handle it?”

Bokuto’s expression turns aloof with determination.

“I’ll try.”

Akaashi gives him a peck on the lips and ruffles his hair before opening the door.

“Hi. Sorry for taking so long. Come in.”

Kuroo examines them both and lets out a giggle at Bokuto’s recently ruffled hair. “Nevermind, it seems like you were having fun.”

Both Akaashi and Bokuto ignore Kuroo’s infantile attempt to make them blush, because right there in front of them there’s Tsukishima Kei, finally coming back after so long. He looks good, maybe not as well and healthy as he did back in high school, but far better than the last time they saw him. It hits Akaashi so bad he feels a knot in his throat, and when he turns to look at Bokuto he sees his eyes are red.

“S-sorry. I think it’s time for my meds,” Bokuto excuses himself and goes to the bathroom. Akaashi excuses himself to check on Bokuto.

Kei gives Kuroo a concerned look.

“Are they okay?”

Kuroo sighs.

“Yeah, um. I don’t think it’s my place to talk about it, but since Bokuto mentioned it… He has a little problem,” he explains. “You see, he has always been very… moody. Like, he can be super excited and happy one moment, and then depressed and gloomy in the blink of an eye. Ever since Akaashi and he moved together, I think he’s been seeing a therapist, and taking meds. He’s gotten better,” Kuroo sighs, “but there are days...”

“I see,” Kei finishes for him, because he understands.

Akaashi and Bokuto take a while to come back, but when they do, they look calm and guarded. Kei doesn’t know why, but the way Bokuto stares at him makes him a bit uncomfortable.

He does his best to ignore it, and they sit to have dinner.

“So how did you two meet?” Bokuto asks. Kei is starting to realize how right Kuroo was about the mood swings, because he sounds a little judgemental, distrusting.

Next to him, Kuroo swallows a bite of his chicken and takes the word. “I was feeling lost,” he says. “I was… wandering the streets at night, near the place Kei works at. I don’t know what took me there, to be honest. It’s not even in my way, but I… I don’t know. My feet just took me there, and then I met Tsukki, who was just finishing his shift.”

Kei frowns. He supposes that answer was to be expected, but even now it didn’t sit well with him that somehow he’d been erased from Kuroo’s memory, even by mistake. And the million dollar question still remained:

What had Kuroo deleted from his mind?

“...kki?”

Kei blinks. Everyone’s staring at him. Kuroo looks particularly worried.

“Sorry. I spaced out.”

“It’s fine,” Akaashi says. Meanwhile Kuroo mutters, “Are you okay?”

Kei nods.

“We were just wondering where you work,” Bokuto presses.

“Ah, that. I work at this place named ‘Lacuna Inc.’ .” Bokuto and Akaashi exchange a look. “They have this… procedure—”

“We know about it,” Bokuto can’t help saying. “Trust me.”

“I see,” mutters Kei, unsure of what else to add. Bokuto’s tone was final.

Akaashi clears his throat.

“How did you get there?”

Kuroo flinched. “What do you mean, how did he get there?”

Kei takes a bite of his food and swallows. He guesses it was normal for these guys to be protective of Kuroo, but… damn.

“It’s alright,” he says to Kuroo, then looks at the couple sitting in front of them. “A couple of months ago, I had an accident. After that I had to recover, and I got diagnosed with clinical depression. I’m on meds now, like you,” he glanced at Bokuto. “But I had to give up many classes and I got behind, so they recommended me to get a part-time job. You know, to feel useful and all that stuff.”

“But why Lacuna?” Bokuto inquires, shivering theatrically. “What they do is... so…”

“I know,” Kei admits. “But the payment is good and they are okay with me focusing mostly on my studies.”

“I see,” Bokuto nods. “And what are your plans for the future, Tsukki?”

“Bokuto,” Akaashi warns. Kei nearly chokes.

“Tsukishima,” he corrects. Bokuto doesn’t seem to care.

“So what are they?”

“What’s with you today?” Kuroo inquires, annoyed. Kei insists it’s fine.

“Honestly?” he replies to Bokuto’s question. “I’m not sure right now. Everything feels so…” he looks briefly at Kuroo, as if searching for the words. Kuroo holds his hand and squeezes. “Delicate.”

Bokuto hums.

“Well, at least you’re better now,” Akaashi half-states, half-inquires.

Kei shrugs.

“I guess. I’m trying.”

The rest of the meal goes more or less the same way. For some strange reason Kei doesn’t get, Bokuto seems quite fixated on him. Even Kuroo notices, but Kei allows them. He wants to make a good impression, and he wants to keep trying to get better, so he replies to the questions they ask him as good as he can.

When they finish, Kei offers to help Akaashi wash the dishes. Bokuto is in a better mood, so he and Kuroo move to the small living room, next to the Christmas tree, and catch up. 

Akaashi is the quiet type so there’s not much noise except for the bickering and scandalous laughter in the background, as well as the sound of the water and the dishes. He finally speaks when they’re about to finish, though. The voices in the living room have quieted down and Kei wonders if Kuroo and Bokuto are gossiping. He used to do that all the time with Yamaguchi, before the accident—

“I’m sorry about Bokuto,” Akaashi says, interrupting his train of thought. “Kuroo is one of our best friends and he’s… got a rough time lately, so Bokuto’s very protective.”

Kei shrugs. He had guessed as much.

“I get that, but I’m not gonna hurt him.”

“Nobody knows about that,” Akaashi snaps instinctively. His eyes widen just as much as Kei’s when he realizes what he just said. “I’m sorry, that was rude of me.”

The more time Kei spends in that place, the more he wants to know what the hell left Kuroo so wrecked for his friends to behave this way.

He wants to win them over, so he decides it’s better to be open.

“No, you’re right about that — but I’m trying. I know I’m not quite the catch and I know he’s… vulnerable right now, but I’m trying my best to be better,” he admits.

Akaashi stares at him for what it seems to him like ages. Just as Kei is beginning to feel uncomfortable, he speaks again.

“Has he told you what happened to him?”

“No,” Kei snaps, tired of the secrecy. “What is it?”

Akaashi looks away.

“Maybe you should ask him.”

Kei just knows he won’t get much more from Akaashi.

“I see,” he gives up.

They finish the chore in silence.

Kei almost feels relieved as soon as he leaves the kitchen.

“Kuroo—”

“Shhh,” Bokuto silences him. “He’s asleep.”

Indeed, Kuroo is sitting on the couch in front of Bokuto, arms crossed and head down. He’s snoring very softly.

Kei approaches them.

“Oh. Should I wake him up?” he asks Bokuto before doing so. Bokuto shakes his head.

“Just let him rest for a while and sit with us, Tsukki. I won’t bite you.”

Kei supposes that, without Kuroo’s comforting presence, his nervousness is quite obvious. He sits next to Kuroo and awkwardly makes him lean down so that his head is resting on his lap. Kei strokes his hair, feeling Bokuto’s intense gaze examining both of them.

“Tsukki, what do you think of him?” he asks in a whisper.

Kei frowns.

“Why are you asking me that?”

Bokuto shrugs.

“I just wanna know.”

Kei sighs.

“He’s kind. Caring. Smart. And a bit of an ass,” Kei chuckles tenderly. “Like... don’t tell him this, okay? But I love how easily he can read me and get under my skin. And also... there’s this…” Kei’s brow furrows, searching for the words. He sighs in embarrassment. “Nevermind. It’s stupid.”

Bokuto hums.

“I’m listening,” he insists. Kei’s frown deepens, but Bokuto won't let it go. “Tsukki?”

“There’s this bond,” Kei mumbles, face on fire. “Like, I don’t know how to put it into words, but I feel like I know him. As if… please don’t laugh at me, okay? But it’s as if… our souls knew each other for quite a long time — nevermind, I told you.” Kei rolls his eyes at himself to hide his abashment. “It sounds so cheesy.”

In front of him, Bokuto is calm. Assessing.

“Do you love him?” he asks. It takes Kei by surprise.

“Love?”

Bokuto nods.

Kei thinks it over before replying.

“I don’t know,” he finally admits with honesty. “Love’s a pretty strong word; and despite this weird feeling, the truth is that we’ve known each other for quite a short time. I know that he makes me wanna be better. Get better. You know, when I told him I was going to therapy he—”

“You’re going to therapy?”

Kei tilts his head in confusion, still trying to idly untangle the knots in Kuroo’s mane.

“Yeah? I thought it was obvious, with the meds thing. You go to therapy too, don’t you?”

For the first time in that whole night, Bokuto lowers his guard and gives Kei a small smile.

“Yeah. It’s exhausting, isn’t it?”

“Don’t get me started on that. It’s the worst,” Kei agrees. They both chuckle softly.

“Hmm,” says Bokuto when they fall into silence. “Tsukki, you know what happened to Kuroo, right? Before.”

Kei feels his stomach sink. It seems there’s no option to relax with these guys. He tries to keep his expression neutral, but he’s pretty sure he’s frowning again.

“I already told your boyfriend no,” he says a bit too curtly.

“Hm. But you know something he doesn't.”

Kei feels the blood draining from his face.

“What do you mean?”

“When Kuroo talked about how you two met. That wasn’t true, was it?”

Bokuto's expression is unreadable, sharp. Kei’s heart sinks and he knows there’s no way he can deny it — Bokuto is right, but most importantly, he’s certain. And then it hits Kei and he feels dumb for not making the connection before, but of course, otherwise, why would they be so familiar with the place Kei works at? And why else would they feel so turned off by it?

All those hints of Kuroo having a rough time, the excessive protectiveness of his closest friends. It hits him in the face, and the only thing he can find himself babbling is:

“I don’t think it’s my place to discuss that—”

“Bokuto,” Akaashi calls, appearing in the living room, and Kei gives a start. For once, he’s thankful for his presence. Bokuto, however, ignores his boyfriend and keeps his eyes fixed on Kei, even when Akaashi takes a sit next to him.

“Oh but you do know what I’m talking about,” he replies. “It’s okay, we know, too.”

“Bokuto, should we even be talking about this?”

“Akaashi, let me finish,” he looks at Kei again, determined. “We got a note. After the procedure. You do know what kind of note, right? You work at the place after all.”

Kei knows exactly what kind of note. He has been in charge of writing some of them, the notes that are sent to the client’s closest friends and relatives. 

He pictured what Kuroo’s one must have said:

Dear Mr. Bokuto & Mr. Akaashi:

Kuroo Tetsurou has had (???) erased from his memory. Please never bring it up again.

Thank you.

LACUNA INC

Knowing there was no point in denying it, and with a deep desire to know what kind of pain pushed Kuroo to turn to the procedure, Kei sighs.

“I… yeah.”

“How did you two actually meet, Tsukishima?” Bokuto presses.

Kei is aware there’s no point in trying to run away from this.

“Kuroo arrived at Lacuna one day. He seemed pretty upset and he… lashed out at me,” he confesses. At that, the couple share a look that is almost pained. Kei pays no attention to it and goes on. “It was really weird but I didn’t give it much thought because it happens all the time, you know? Upset, broken-hearted people lash out at others without meaning to. Specially at a place like Lacuna, especially when they know what we do. So yeah. And then Oikawa-san, my coworker, told me that he had booked an appointment. A few days after that I found him outside the building, looking pretty lost. And you know the rest. So,” Kei licks his lips, looking determined. “Was it really that bad? What he was running from?”

“Kuroo was in a relationship before you. One that broke his heart,” Akaashi confirms Kei’s suspicion.

“So he deleted them,” Kei inferes. “Why?”

“They both had issues. Maybe it was bad timing.”

“Maybe,” interjects Bokuto. “But... the way he reacted… I’m sorry, it just hits me hard,” he says, his voice weak and cracked. His eyes are red-rimmed like earlier when he opened the door and saw Kei.

“I need to know more,” Kei says. The desperate hint in his voice takes him by surprise, but the intrigue is killing him. In his lap, Kuroo keeps resting, oblivious to his turmoil. “I need to know their name, or why it happened… I swear to God, I don’t wanna hurt him, but I need to know.”

Bokuto and Akaashi share another of their looks. This one, however, mirrors Kei’s agony. Akaashi bites his lip and Bokuto nods, very slowly.

“Okay,” he says, first at Akaashi, who nods back. Then he looks at Kei again and repeats, “Okay—”

In Kei’s lap, Kuroo jolts himself awake.

Bokuto and Akaashi change the subject as soon as Kuroo wakes up, and Kei doesn't press on it.

They say goodbye soon after. When they leave, Akaashi and Bokuto look at each other. Bokuto is unable to hold back the emotion anymore, his cheeks wet with tears. He holds Akaashi, tight.

“He’s trying,” Bokuto whispers in a broken voice against Akaashi’s ear. “Did you see? Tsukki… he’s finally trying.”

“I know,” Akaashi replies, and allows himself to let out his own emotion too.

Kuroo and Kei take an Uber back home. Kei is obviously frustrated and Kuroo does notice, however, he misinterprets his reasons.

“I'm sorry,” he apologizes on behalf of his friends. “They’re usually not like that, I think they were trying to be protective.”

“Yes, I get that. But why?”

Kuroo shrugs.

“Remember the night we met?”

Kei nods bitterly. Everytime he was reminded that Kuroo didn’t remember the actual day they had met felt like a punch in the gut. Kuroo goes on, oblivious.

“If my behavior was as bad as to worry a random stranger in the street, imagine how my close friends must’ve felt.”

“Fair enough,” Kei concedes. “Do you still feel lost though?”

Kuroo regards Kei warmly. “A little less each day,” he says, squeezing Kei’s hand.

Kei looks away, embarrassed. Kuroo yawns and places his head in his shoulder. He dozes off until they reach his place and Kei wakes him up gently.

He kisses Kei goodbye. They agree that it’s unlikely they’ll meet the next day, since both of them are exhausted. And that’s not a lie — Kei is as tired as Kuroo, too, but he has other things to solve first, so he decides he will use the opportunity to do that.

He texts Oikawa as soon as he wakes up the next day.

Kei: Oikawa-san

Kei: Good morning

The reply is immediate. 

Oikawa: tsukki-chan! is everything alright? did something happen to u?

Kei: ????

Kei: I’m okay. Why do you ask?

Oikawa: u never reply to my texts unless it’s from work or if u need something

Kei: I’m offended you think of me that way.

Oikawa: it’s true, tho, isn’t it?

Oikawa: or do you miss me so much that you wanted to wish me a merry xmas? :D

Kei: You know what, I think I agree with Iwaizumi-san. You’re disgusting.

Oikawa: tsukki!! so rude!!!

Oikawa: srsly tho, is everything ok?

Kei: Yeah.

Kei: Well. More or less. Kinda.

Kei: I need a favor.

Kei: Is it okay if I call you?

He’s barely sent the last text when he already has an upcoming call from Oikawa.

“What happened? Are you alright?”

“I am, I am.” Kei feels almost moved that Oikawa fusses so much over him. “I just need a favor.”

“Okay. I’m listening.”

Kei takes a deep breath.

“I need to know what Kuroo erased from his memory that time when he got the procedure.”

At the other side of the line, Oikawa goes silent. Kei is about to ask him if he’s still there when Oikawa says:

“No.”

Kei frowns.

“Why not?”

“Why do you want to do this? Why now?”

“I just need to know—”

“Tsukki, no. That would only hurt you — don’t you trust him? Why do you need to know about his past?”

Kei sighs in exasperation.

“I just do, okay?! Everything is so weird lately — I need to! Plus, you owe me one! For that time I took care of Touya-kun? Remember?”

Oikawa exhales audibly.

“Just let the past go, Tsukki—”

“No!”

Kei’s eyes widen at his own intensity. At the other side of the line, he can almost picture Oikawa making the same expression.

“I’m sorry,” he apologizes, “but—”

“I’m not helping you with that,” Oikawa says. “There are some things that should be left alone. The past is one of them — you shouldn't go digging. I won’t help you with that.”

“But… wait—”

Oikawa’s words are final, and he hangs up.

Whatever, Kei thinks. He keeps thinking. A lot of people might see him as someone aloof, but the truth is that once he finds something that interests him, he won’t stop until he gets his way. So he decides that even if Oikawa won’t help him and Bokuto and Akaashi won’t tell him, he’ll make things happen his own way.

He waits until it gets dark and sends Kuroo a message. Kuroo doesn’t reply, therefore Kei knows that it’s most likely that he’s still sleeping.

He dresses in black and leaves the apartment late, when there are less people roaming the streets. He gets to Lacuna, ready to force the door when...

“What are you doing here?”

Kei shouts, giving a start. Right next to him, is:

“Oikawa-san,” he acknowledges once he’s recovered his cool.

Oikawa huffs.

“Is this really necessary, Tsukki-chan?”

Kei doesn’t even think twice.

“Yes. I told you, I need to know, and I’ll do it whether you help me or not.”

Oikawa takes a few steps closer to Kei, frowning deeply. “Why are you so obsessed with this? Just… why can’t you let go of the past?”

“Because I can’t!” Kei yells in response. “You don’t get it, you don’t get what is like loving someone who feels so lost! You’re not the one that saw him that first day, and you’re not the one that has seen how much his friends are worried about him!” He pants. He shakes his head and lowers his voice, a bit embarrassed at his outburst.

“I’m sorry. I just wanna know what he went through, so that I can help him… Everything feels like it’s on fucking thin ice, like it’s about to break and I’m sick… I'm so sick of it...”

“Hey. Hey, it’s okay,” Oikawa replies, placing a gentle hand on his shoulder. Kei shakes his head again.

“I’m sorry. But I’ll do this anyway.”

“I know. I’ll help you.”

Kei’s eyes widen.

“Really?”

Oikawa sighs in defeat. “Yes. I know there’s no way to stop you, but Tsukki…” he makes a pause, his expression getting icy and determined. “I really need this job right now so I can save money for Argentina. So if someone finds out about this, I will deny everything, and I won’t go out of my way to protect you when they discover you. You’ll be all on your own. Is that clear?”

Kei nods. It’s already generous enough that Oikawa is risking so much for him.

“Fair enough.”

“Here,” says Oikawa, giving him the key to open the door. Before he takes it, however, he makes one last attempt to stop Kei.

“Have you thought that you might not like what you find out?”

“I will do it anyway, Oikawa-san.”

Oikawa closes his eyes in defeat and lets him take the keys.

“Fine, but don’t say I didn’t warn you.”

Kei ignores him and they get inside. They make their way carefully for the big room where everything is archived. It doesn’t take Kei much long to find Kuroo’s expedient, but his hands tremble for a while before he can open the folder.

He feels Oikawa’s eyes on him. “Hey, Tsukki-chan, we don't have to do this—” he starts, and it’s enough to make him want to open it out of spite.

Kei’s familiarized with the format of the first page. It’s filled with Kuroo’s general information such as his name, age, etc. After that, it reads:

The patient wishes to forget:

• Everything related to Tsukishima Kei.

Kei stops breathing for a minute. The characters — those characters are way too familiar. There is no mistake, he thinks as he traces them with his fingertips. He hears Oikawa calling his name, but he doesn't care. He goes looking in the drawer occupied by Kuroo’s stuff: an USB with his voice recordings about the memories he wanted to map, pictures, papers, gifts and other trinkets. Kei freezes and ignores his heart beating rapidly and his stomach churning, going full analytical mode: he’s always been the kind of person that detaches in a moment of crisis and is able to think with a cold head. He has a hunch and he goes after it, ignoring Oikawa’s cries. He looks for a drawer with his name and finds it. He opens it with wide eyes and shaky hands. In his format it reads:

The patient wishes to forget:

• Everything related to Kuroo Tetsurou.
• Everything related to the accident.
• Everything related to volleyball.

He gasps. Oikawa is by his side in a second, clutching his shoulder tight, but he just doesn’t hear.

Suddenly it all makes sense.

The feeling of being lost.

The fact that he knew there had been an accident, but no matter how hard he tried, he couldn’t remember any of it.

The way that Kuroo had lashed out at him that time at work, because of course, and the strange familiarity between them from day one. The way Akaashi, Bokuto, Oikawa and even his therapist had reacted to their relationship. The fact that he could felt that there was something unspoken with Yamaguchi, which had made them drift away.

His ears ring and he looks at Oikawa with hollow eyes. Oikawa is saying something, trying to make his ragged breathing calm down, but Kei doesn’t listen. Instead, he asks:

“Did you know?” And Oikawa closes his eyes, woeful.

“I told you not to go digging.”

Kei throws up on the floor.

He dissociates so bad that he doesn’t remember what happens next, but when he becomes aware of his own body again, he’s sitting on the floor of his living room, both Lacuna boxes (the one with Kuroo’s stuff and the one with his) resting on the floor.

Oikawa is sleeping on his couch. Kei wakes him up.

Oikawa makes them tea and explains to Kei that he had an anxiety attack, and after that he had insisted on taking the boxes home. Oikawa had told him it wasn’t a good idea, but Kei needed to know all the missing details. Oikawa, worried about him, had stayed.

Kei feels hollow and tired. Oikawa gives him tea, puts an arm and a quilt around him and tells him it’s going to be okay, until exhaustion beats Kei and he falls asleep.

He wakes up the next day until evening. Oikawa isn’t there anymore, but he’s left a note saying he had to work and to call him if he needed anything, no matter the hour.

Kei checks his phone soon after. He has quite a lot of notifications, texts from Oikawa, a few calls from work and of course, Kuroo. He’s replied to Kei’s text.

Kuroo: I'm sorry! I slept all day. It was great!!

Kuroo: How are you?

Kuroo: I guess you're sleeping now.

Kei winces. He has several missed calls from Kuroo, a few hours after not getting an answer; and more texts.

Kuroo: Tsukki? Are you okay?

Kuroo: We don’t have to talk if you don’t feel like it, but please lmk you’re alright.

Kuroo: Please, Kei

Kuroo: I’m worried

Deciding that it’s too much to deal with at the moment, he turns off his phone and decides to go digging into the boxes.

You think it starts one day at work.

(You couldn’t have been more wrong. Quite the contrary, something dies that day.)

It actually starts one night at a training camp in Tokyo during your first high school year, when you finally let him teach you how to block. It starts with him getting under your skin and you sulking about why that is. It keeps going, slow but steady, every time you meet halfway, every time you lock eyes with him during matches. It becomes official when he graduates, gets a little too drunk and steals a kiss from you at the after party. It gets stronger and stronger with visits on the weekends and video calls and planning a future together. He’s so happy for you when you join the Sendai Frogs that he cries and it’s then when you realize how in deep you are for him. For once, though, it doesn’t scare you. For once you’re not fighting to hide your feelings.

He starts working at the Japan Volleyball Association in the Promotion Department as an intern during his second year of college and you couldn’t be prouder that he’ll get to inspire many others like he inspired you. You’re both thriving, and you’re a little sad when he tells you he won’t see some of your matches because he’s accompanying some of his superiors in their trips to recruit players from other prefectures, but overall, you’re happy for him. You say goodbye to him a morning after a weekend together, and it seems like a normal day, but it’s the beginning of end.

Something ends the moment you get into the train to go back to Sendai for the upcoming tournament.Train accidents are extremely rare in Japan and you’re unlucky enough to become a part of the statistics. The train crashes and you pass out from the pain from several broken bones. When you wake up you’re in the hospital and everything hurts and he’s is not there. Days become hazy. You don’t know how much it takes him to come visit you but he says he did it as soon as possible.

It dies slowly, as your broken bones mend and you need to go through rehabilitation, and it frustrates you how useless you’ve become. He doesn’t give you shit when you lash out at him and that makes you angrier because why would he stay. You need a new beginning so as soon as you’re able, you decide move to Tokyo and start a new career that has nothing to do with volleyball. No one really questions you because they assume it’s something temporary. You want to yell at them they’re wrong.

You go to a therapist to deal with your depression but nothing makes it better. Meanwhile Kuroo is doing good at college and his part-time job, and it makes you angrier and angrier to look at him with each day that passes, because your body and mind ache to play volleyball but you can’t, and it’s his fault you started putting effort into it in the first place, and it reminds of that time when you saw Akiteru crying in his room and you realize that you’ve become the same. It dies the day you hear about Lacuna and you decide to put it an end to it. Your therapist has told you that a job might do you good so for once you listen to her. He says he’s proud of you and he tries to comfort you saying that this is something temporary. He leaves again soon, though, for another work trip. Akaashi and Bokuto are there for you though, but it’s not enough, so you decide it’s necessary to cut them all off: it’s the only way you can move on and live a decent life. People do say that ignorance is bliss, after all. So a couple of days after he has left, when Bokuto and Akaashi are occupied with their daily obligations, you change the locks of your apartment and book a job interview at Lacuna. You get the job easily, and before starting, you ask them for a favor.

“I want to go through the procedure. I need a fresh start.”

Your boss doesn't oppose to that.

Kei spends two days going over everything, the archives, the letters, the pictures. There are a few journals Kei wrote because his therapist told him it’d do him good. The hardest thing, however, are the voice recordings; both from his and Kuroo’s perspective. His makes him wanna curl up in the floor and disappear. Kuroo’s, however, is the absolute worst. He cries quite a few times, yells some other. His voice sounds so betrayed, broken and hurt by Kei’s actions that it makes Kei feel like the lowest scum of the Earth. He supposes he sort of is, to disappear like that. To cut him off like that, without a warning.

Sometimes he thinks that he’s almost like an archeologist or a paleontologist, going over fossils of a relationship that was and trying to piece everything in his head together. The thought makes him scoff bitterly.

He replies to Kuroo’s texts, only because he knows that if he doesn’t, Kuroo might appear at his door and Kei definitely wouldn’t be able to deal with that. So he makes up excuses like ‘I’m sorry, I’m just having a real rough time right now.’ ‘Bad mental health day. I’m okay tho, don’t worry.’ ‘I need to be alone, but I’m talking to my therapist so it's fine.’ And Kuroo’s replies are so sweet and understanding and gentle; stuff like ‘Take your time.’ ‘I’m here if you need me.’ And the one that feels like a stab to his heart; ‘I know this is not the way to say it, but I understand you don’t feel like talking right now, and I wanted to say this at a more special time but I just want you to know that I’m in love with you .’ That one sends Kei crying silently for like an hour until he's able to reply.

He also gets a call from his boss. He picks up but doesn’t speak, too tired to do it, and only listens to the news that he’s fired.

It doesn't make him feel anything.

On the third day, he doesn’t do anything. He doesn’t get up. He doesn’t eat. He stays in bed but doesn’t sleep. He cries at times, but mostly, he stares at nothing.

On the fourth day, he decides that it’s time to confront Kuroo. So he puts all the stuff back in the boxes and braces himself to be wrecked one more time.

If someone saw him in the street they probably would say he was serene. Nothing could be further from the truth, and if they’d pay attention closely they could notice it in how white Kei’s knuckles are when carrying both boxes.

He waits outside the building Kuroo lives in, because he wants to make this quick and he knows that if they’re in public, where people can see them, there’s less of a chance that they’ll make a scene. Kuroo respects it when he tells him to come down and doesn’t ask much about it. He’s probably excited to see Kei at all. He could hear the eagerness in his voice when he made the call, and it breaks his heart.

Kuroo comes down, eyes gleaming. “Hey,” he says with a smile that quickly dies when he sees the boxes. “What’s that?”

Kei places the boxes on the ground, right next to Kuroo. “We can’t keep doing this until you’ve seen what’s in there.”

Kuroo frowns.

“Doing what?”

“This,” Kei says, gesturing at the space between them. “Us.”

Kuroo goes pale. His face goes from surprise to panic to downright confusion.

 “What? Why? What’s all this, Kei?”

(Kei. Kuroo only uses ‘Kei’ in important situations.)

Kei is unable to look him in the eyes, so Kuroo goes on.

“Are you breaking up with me?”

Kei looks at him again.

“I… I don’t know,” he says honestly.

Kuroo snorts. He’s nervous, Kei can tell.

“What’s that supposed to mean?”

Kei tries to keep himself under control. His mouth is so dry and his hands are shaking, so he hides them in his pockets. “It means what it means,” he mumbles. “There’s stuff you need to know.”

“Then tell me.”

“It’s all in the boxes.”

“Fuck,” Kuroo hisses. He’s trying hard to keep his composure. “Why are you doing this, Kei? What are you trying to do here? If you don’t want me anymore, at least give me a decent explanation—”

“It’s not that,” Kei snaps, raising his voice. “It’s not about me not wanting you, it’s about you not wanting me. Because I’m trash and I hurt the people I love, and you deserve better than that—”

“Don’t,” Kuroo hisses. “Don’t give me that crap. Don’t tell me what I deserve. I’m the one who decides that.”

There’s an awkward silence. Kuroo pinches the bridge of his nose and exhales audibly.

“I’m sorry,” he says. “But I’m trying to understand. Is this your depression talking, Kei? Because I’m willing to—”

“Oh, please. Don’t patronize me. Don’t tell me how I’m supposed to feel because you don’t know, so don’t pretend you do.”

“I just don’t get why are you doing this!” Kuroo finally snaps. “Why are you trying to ruin something so good!”

“Don’t give me that bullshit! This relationship is fucked up! It was fucked up from the beginning and it’s fucked up now and I’m so tired, so just look at the fucking boxes and you’ll know what I’m talking about. We shouldn’t keep doing this. I’m just gonna fuck you up again, like I do with everything!”

Kuroo opens his mouth, but there’s so much to say that he just can’t find where to begin. The street is noisy with people and cars, but the only thing he can hear are Kei’s whimpers as he finally breaks down crying. Kuroo is so nervous he can’t bring himself to do anything for a second there, so he just asks:

“Again?”

Kei nods, wipes his face fiercely and looks at him with teary eyes.

“I’m trying to change. To be someone good, so please. Don’t make this any harder on me. I don’t wanna hurt you again.”

Kuroo feels a pang through his chest. He wants to hug Kei, but he’s afraid it might make it all worse.

“Kei—”

“Just… tell Bokuto-san and Akaashi-san that I’m sorry for disappointing them again, okay? I’m sorry.”

And just like that, Kei walks out of his life again.

Kei recovers enough to not cry during his way back home in the subway. As soon as he enters his apartment, though, his hands start shaking uncontrollably, his knees giving out. He falls to the floor. He sobs hard, letting it all out, curled up on the floor and hugging his legs to his chest because if he doesn’t he might break into tiny little pieces. After a while the sobs die down, but the tears are still streaming down his face when he takes his phone and calls Yamaguchi.

“Pick up, pick up, pick up,” he pleads lowly. “Pick up, pick up, pick up.”

Yamaguchi doesn’t.

Kei hugs his legs tighter and whimpers. A few minutes pass and his phone rings. He’s afraid to see who’s calling him, but it turns out to be his friend.

He picks up. There’s noise in the background, and then the familiar voice.

“Tsukki?”

“He-ey,” Kei whispers, trying to sound cool. He fails miserably, his voice cracking. Yamaguchi doesn't miss that.

“Are you okay? Wait, give me a sec,” he says. He goes somewhere quieter.

“Are you busy?” Kei asks.

“Um, not really. I mean, I was with Hitoka, and... a couple of friends.”

“Uh, I can call later—”

“No, it's fine. How are you? I feel like it’s been years,” he says, and Kei breaks down again, because it's true and he’s the one that is to blame for putting this distance between them. Yamaguchi gasps when he hears him sob, trying to calm him down but it just makes Kei cry harder, for he doesn’t deserve such a good friend. “Tsukki, please, calm down,” he pleads, his voice full of anguish. “Breathe with me,” he says, breathing audibly, counting, and Kei follows his lead until he controls himself.

“There, better.”

“Thanks,” says Kei. “I’m sorry.”

“It’s okay, Tsukki,” he sighs. “Do you wanna talk about it?”

He doesn’t, really, but the pain is crushing and he needs an out, so he tells Yamaguchi everything. Yamaguchi cries with him when Kei tells him he remembers, and when Kei finishes talking Yamaguchi’s voice is worried, still sore from crying.

“You should come to Miyagi for New Year’s. Take a vacation. You shouldn’t be alone right now. Also, your family wants to see you. It might do you good.”

“I — yeah, maybe.”

“Tsukkiiiii.”

Kei sighs. He sniffs.

“Alright, I will.”

“Good,” Yamaguchi says. “Tell me when you’re coming, so I can pick you up at the train station.”

“Okay. Yamaguchi?”

“Yes?”

“Thank you. For always being there.”

Yamaguchi makes a funny noise. “Tsukki, I… you don’t need to thank me about it. That’s what friends do.”

“Yeah, okay.”

Yamaguchi chuckles, and it makes Kei smile softly. “Asshole.”

“Yeah, that too.”

Yamaguchi snorts. “Alright, I’ll see you soon. And Tsukki?”

“Yeah?”

“I love you. It’s good to have you back.”

“Well, it’s something,” Kei tries to joke to hide the fact that he might cry again. “I love you too. See ya.”

“Bye.”

Kei hangs up.

Kei leaves to Miyagi the morning after, on the 30th. He hasn’t gotten any news from Kuroo and he doesn’t know if that terrifies him or relieves him, but he does get a text when he’s on the train.

Kuroo: Hi. I've looked into the boxes.

Kuroo: We should talk about this.

Kei’s heart does a flip. Kuroo’s the kind of guy who uses emojis, so his cryptic texts are killing him.

He texts back with his heart on his throat. He doesn’t know if it’s wise to see Kuroo again, not when he wants to protect him from himself, but he also guesses that he owes Kuroo one for that time he left without explanation. Kuroo deserves closure too, and he deserves to say what he feels even if it hurts him. So Kei replies:

Kei: Okay.

Kuroo: Are you home rn?

Kei: No. I'm on my way to Miyagi, I’ll stay there for a couple of days.

Kuroo: …I see

Kuroo: How many days?

Kei: I don’t know.

Kuroo: Okay

Kuroo: Text me when you’re back in Tokyo

Kei: I will.

Kuroo doesn’t reply.

He's barely out of the train when Yamaguchi is already crushing him with his arms in a tight embrace. Kei complains but it’s mostly performative — Yamaguchi’s jolliness at hugging him makes him feel like everything is indeed okay, so he hugs back.

Yamaguchi eventually lets him go. He smiles so wide and sincere that Kei finds himself mirroring the expression and saying:

“I’m home.”

“Welcome back,” replies Yamaguchi. Their little exchange is cut short, however, when Yamaguchi’s expression clouds with nervousness and worry. “Hey, um. There's something you should know. When you called me the other night, remember that I told you that I was with some friends?”

“Yeah.”

“Well… I didn’t know you had remembered, but I was with Hinata and Kageyama. And Hitoka, of course.”

“Oh…”

“Yeah,” Yamaguchi clears his throat. “And they heard you, so after I hung up they asked me about you and well,” Yamaguchi shrugs.

Kei swallows thickly. He was familiar with Yachi because she had recently become Yamaguchi’s girlfriend. As for the others, though… by forgetting about volleyball, he had forgotten about the ties he had made with Hinata and Kageyama; therefore, in his memories they weren’t his friends, just a bunch of classmates he didn’t really talked to. Their reaction makes Kei nervous.

“Are they mad at me?”

“God, no! Not at all! On the contrary, they were worried about you. So worried that, well… they’re outside, waiting. I’m sorry. I couldn’t shake them off, they insisted so much about welcoming you back. The only reason they’re not right here it’s because I told them to give you some space because this might be really hard on you and we didn’t want you freaking out so soon, so... yeah. If it makes you feel uncomfortable though, we can figure something out…”

“It’s fine,” Kei says, because it’s time he faces the consequences of his actions. If they’re actually mad at him, well. He knew he had it coming. Were he in their place, he’d be resentful too.

Yamaguchi smiles again. It makes Kei relax, feel like everything’s okay. Kei thinks that if he were a musician, that would probably be one of his songs’ titles. Yamaguchi smiles, and everything’s okay.

They walk to the parking lot. Kei asks him how Yachi is and how their relationship is going. By the way he blushes, Kei knows it’s going well. It makes him feel happy. Yamaguchi deserves the best.

They spot Yamaguchi’s borrowed car and Kei barely has time to brace himself for what’s coming when Hinata and Yachi are already over him, hugging him tight.

“STINGYSHIMA!!! You’re back!!!” yells Hinata, and Kei feels a lump in his throat because out of all the reactions he was expecting, this wasn't one of them.

“I can’t breathe,” he complains. They let him go. The first thing Kei sees are Kageyama’s blue eyes staring at him kindly. He’s grimacing a little — Kei guesses he’s trying to smile.

“Good to have you back,” he says. Hinata squeals and asks him how everything is going. Kei looks down, ashamed of himself for deleting the bonds with these people when they’re giving him a welcome he doesn’t deserve.

“I’m sorry,” he says in a broken voice.

“Hey, it’s fine,” says Kageyama. “Sometimes you push people out when you’re going through rough times. We’re not gonna hold it against you.”

(And now Kei has enough information to know that out of all the people that knew him before the procedure, maybe Kageyama is the one that understands better. He understands what screwing up and being lonely feels like, how hard it is to trust again after that.)

“Tsukishima-kun? Are you okay?” asks Yachi. Everyone’s staring at him with concern now.

Kei nods, eyes watery. He lets out a shaky smile.

“Now I am.”

“And just you wait till you get home!” Hinata exclaims.

“What?” Kei asks. Everyone sends Hinata confused looks. Hinata blushes bright red.

“I might’ve told a few old friends you were coming to visit,” he says, playing with his hair to avoid looking at the others. Kei’s eyes widen. Everyone gasps.

“What? How many… who did you tell?”

“Just… the rest of the Karasuno volleyball team from our generation.”

“WHAT,” everyone yells in unison. Yachi groans: “Hinataaa-kuuun,” and Kageyama punches him in the arm and calls him an idiot.

“Do you have any idea of how Tsukishima must be panicking right now?!”

“I’m sorry!” Hinata bows. “But Tsukishima, you should know that everyone is super excited to see you!”

Yamaguchi groans. “Hinata, maybe this is a little too much for Tsukki right now—”

“It’s fine,” Kei interrupts. Everyone’s eyes widen and Kei shrugs, self-conscious. “It’s fine. I wanna see them. Let’s go.”

Hinata's smile shines bright like the sun.

As soon as they get to the Tsukishimas’, Hinata and Kageyama hop off the car. Yachi excuses herself and told Kei and Yamaguchi she was going to try to calm them down to not freak Kei out more than he already was.

(It’s also a cheap excuse to leave his boyfriend and Kei alone.)

Yamaguchi pats Kei’s back (when had he gotten so strong?) and smiles at Kei. Kei thinks, Yamaguchi smiles and everything’s alright. Everything’s alright, plus Hinata said they weren’t mad at me.

They don’t speak as they walk together. When they’re reaching the door, Tsukishima’s mom and dad come out of the house and hug his son. Kei hugs back, clinging a little.

His dad ruffles his hair and his mom tells him their friends are waiting inside. Kei sighs.

He gets inside. They’re talking loudly but as soon as they see Kei they fall into silence for a second before they begin cheering. “TSUKISHIMAAAAAA!!” one of them screams, Tanaka, approaching him with big strikes and giving him a crushing hug. This doesn’t surprise Kei — Tanaka has been anything but kind since Saeko had started dating Akiteru, and giving the possibility that they might become related it’s not surprising that he’s the first one to forgive him and give him a warm welcome. Behind him, his fiancée Kiyoko is smiling at Kei.

(It’s weird to associate her with something different than being Tanaka’s soon-to-be-wife, but now Kei is aware that she also was the volleyball manager before Yachi).

What does take Kei by surprise, however, is how the rest of the guys (Daichi, Sugawara, Azumane, Nishinoya, Ennoshita, etc. — pretty much all the people that saw Kei grow, according to his journals) are over him in a minute. Nishinoya is biting his arm, his way of showing affection. Daichi ruffles his hair. Sugawara tackles him before embracing him, and Hinata follows, then Nishinoya and Tanaka, and in a minute all of them are tackling Kei to the ground in a messy group hug. Kei protests but starts laughing soon enough, his nerves evaporating. He suddenly feels like the luckiest guy in the world for having this group of loud, loving friends.

“I just wanted to say,” Kei licks his lips; “that I’m sorry for everything.”

They’re all sitting on the rug in the Tsukishimas’ living room, near the Christmas tree, eating pizza and chattering. They all fall silent when Kei speaks.

“I’m just… I know there’s no way I’ll ever remember, but from what I got from reading my journals and looking at the pictures and everything… I think I understand how I felt. And the truth is that the accident fucked me up, but that isn’t a excuse,” he makes a pause, then chuckles sadly. “I used to think that volleyball was just a club, that it wasn’t worth the effort because, ‘what if you failed?’ And then,” he breathes; “then I guess I got hooked on it?”

He glances at his friends. They all nod.

He smiles sadly.

“And I guess that was the best thing. But then… this happened, and… it was so unfair. It didn’t even matter if I was good or not, if I had put effort or not, life had a way of reminding me how I was much more out of control of my destiny than I thought I was. And it hurt like a bitch, especially because all of you were moving on with your lives, Kuroo too, Bokuto-san and Akaashi-san too, so it just… It was too much, so I felt like I had to delete everything or I wouldn’t be able to mend my heart and keep going. I was so broken.”

“Tsukki,” Yamaguchi whispers next to him, eyes glassy.

Kei keeps going.

“But in doing so, I also deleted the bonds we made during those years, and,” Kei’s eyes turn suddenly blurry, his voice cracking; “I’ll always be sorry for that…”

Yamaguchi and Yachi, both at his sides, lean on his shoulders, comforting him. The rest of them look away, in a way of giving him privacy until Kei composes himself.

“So you don’t remember anything about volleyball?” asks Kageyama.

“No.” Kei replies bluntly.

“Well,” Daichi interjects. “It’s not that big of a deal. It just means that we’ll have to teach you again.”

“And also, it means that we have a lot to catch up on,” Sugawara adds with a tiny smile.

Kei wipes his tears and chuckles wetly.

“I guess that sounds nice,” he says in a tiny voice.

They catch up. They all have grown a lot. Daichi has recently become a cop, Sugawara a teacher, Asahi a clothes designer. Nishinoya is traveling the world but is back for the holidays before going away again. Kageyama has recently entered the Volleyball League. As for Hinata, he’s going to Brazil in a couple of months to get the hang of beach volleyball and improving his skills.

(Kei is surprised at this. He decides not to tell him about Oikawa going to Argentina, and hopes they meet somewhere there).

Kei tells them about his recovery, too, and the work, and his fallout and rencounter with Kuroo. He does his best not to break again when he gets to the last couple of days, and he manages for the most part but tears still betray him, silently. After that, his teammates try their best to cheer him up, saying that Kuroo will come back again, that they’ll sort things out. Someone changes the subject, trying to distract him, and Kei appreciates the effort and eventually forgets about Kuroo for a moment. He ends up having a nicer time than he had thought.

They leave by evening. They’re all a big family, complete once again, and they promise they’ll spend New Year's as families should: together.

Kei is so exhausted after they leave that he doesn’t have trouble falling asleep, which comes as a blessing. He doesn’t have dreams, but he doesn’t have nightmares either so that’s good enough.

He wakes up the next day to the sound of Saeko’s and Akiteru’s laughter. It’s noon, and when Kei goes downstairs they’re already halfway through the traditional cleaning of the house before the New Year.

Akiteru spots him and his eyes turn compassionate. It makes Kei feel warm inside, so he hugs back when Akiteru approaches. Saeko looks at them sweetly, and pinches Kei’s cheek before giving it a little peck.

Kei offers his help but they refuse it, saying they have everything under control. He goes to the kitchen where his mother is making the big dinner for that night. His father is home, too, and Kei helps them cook. It feels like being in middle school all over again, in the best way.

By evening, his friends start getting home. Some of them bring food, too.

Dinner is pleasant and good, full of funny stories, jokes and laughter. Not only it makes Kei feel welcome, but he starts getting comfortable and feeling more like himself. That is, until the doorbell rings.

Kei scans the room. All of them have already gathered. His mom offers to open the door but Hinata politely tells her he’ll take care of it. Mrs. Tsukishima is delighted by his helpful spirit.

There’s a squeal when Hinata opens the door and he comes back looking like he’s seen a ghost. He points at Kei and that makes his stomach churn in anticipation.

Then, just as he expects, Hinata says:

“It’s for you. It’s Kuroo-san!”

Everyone looks at Kei. Kei feels the blood draining from his face.

“Excuse me,” he says in a weak voice.

Kuroo is in the yard, hands in his pockets, staring awkwardly at the ground. Kei stands at the doorframe.

“Hey,” he greets.

Kuroo stares back at him, his expression betraying nothing. That makes Kei even more nervous than his trademark smirk.

“Hey,” Kuroo replies quietly.

Kei swallows.

“Um, you can come in if you want?”

It sounds like a question, because it is. Kuro smiles very softly and shakes his head.

“Thank you, but I see you’re busy.” He doesn’t say it with venom or in a bad way, but it still makes Kei feel like shit. “I mean, it's to be expected, I guess. I’m sorry for coming at this hour today, I just… I took the train here on a whim and I just got here.”

“Um, you could join us,” Kei tries. “If you’d like. There’s enough food, and I doubt they’ll mind—”

“Thank you, but no,” Kuroo sighs, his expression finally turning melancholic. “Look, Kei, I came here because we need to talk and I couldn’t wait any longer, so. Do you think we could do it tomorrow? I get that these are times to be with one’s family, but… maybe we can do it by evening? After you’ve gone to the shrine and everything. Only if it’s oka—”

“Yeah, it's cool,” Kei replies eagerly. Kuroo gives him a sad little smile that looks more like a grimace.

“Cool,” he repeats. For the first time in the night he closes the distance between them. His gaze is fixed on Kei, deep and determined, and it makes his knees tremble. Kuroo takes out a gloved hand, places it very gently on Kei’s cheek, before leaning in (Kei closes his eyes in anticipation) and placing a brief kiss there.

Kei lets out a shaky sigh.

“Happy New Year’s,” Kuroo whispers.

“Happy New Year’s,” Kei parrots in a pathetic weak voice. Kuroo doesn’t add anything else, turning around and leaving without another word.

Kei goes back inside. He hears whispering before he’s back in the dining room, and it dies down just as soon as he puts his foot there again.

Everyone is staring at him, silently asking for an explanation, and Kei really wishes he didn’t have to address this, but he knows they won't leave it alone until he does.

(He’s also trying to be more trusting, to open up.)

He sits down quietly and shrugs, trying to appear nonchalant even though he’s dying on the inside.

“He says he wants to meet tomorrow and talk,” Kei blushes. “And he wished me a Happy New Year.”

“OhmyGod,” Yamaguchi gushes. “He totally kissed you, didn’t he?!”

Kei wants to strangle him for reading him so well. He feels his face burn and doubts he looks threatening as red as he must be.

“Just on the cheek!” he justifies nervously, but it’s enough to send the guys whistling and hollering and cheering him on.

“TSUKISHIMA!!!!”

“THAT’S OUR TSUKKI!”

“OhmyGodshutup.”

“WHY DIDN’T YOU INVITE HIM IN? YOU SHOULD’VE INVITED HIM IN!” Kageyama adds as the rest keep yelling like crazy. Kei sees the opportunity and takes it.

“Oh? So the King of the Court is a romantic expert now?” he teases, a mocking smile appearing on his face. It’s Kageyama’s turn to blush brightly and yell at him to shut up. Nishinoya bursts out laughing and Tanaka yells, “He’s back!!! The salty kiddo is back!!!” and the whole scene is so ridiculous that Kei bursts out laughing before even thinking of a witty comeback.

As soon as they finish having dinner; Kei’s parents, Akiteru and Saeko leave them so they can all enjoy more time alone. 

They sit on Kei’s big yard and look at the fireworks. They all agree on watching the first dawn of the year the next day, or more like, dare each other to wake up early and see it. They even bet on who’s waking up on time and who won’t.

Kei feels content most of the night. He’s thankful for his friends and how they make him focus on the bright side of things. All of them find a space to sleep in the living room.

As they grow tired and the night draws to an end, Kei finds himself becoming moody and overthinking again. He appreciates so much what they’ve all done for him, how they have accepted him back like a brother, but the pureness of their feelings makes Kei feel unworthy of them. There’s also the whole Kuroo thing, and now that he doesn’t have anyone to distract him, he can’t help but being nervous about whatever Kuroo is going to tell him the next day.

He does nod off for a little while, but he wakes up soon enough. He tries to go back to sleep but after a while of tossing and turning he realizes that it’s impossible. Depression and anxiety are a terrible combination and he finds himself going outside at early morning hours despite the freezing cold. He finds Hinata in the yard as well: it turns is still the same hyperactive little guy he used to be, and he’s up very early practicing on his own. He smiles at Kei and it makes him feel a little guilty by how natural and easily he does it, like Kei never betrayed them, denied them.

He’s very lucky to have friends like this.

“Care to join me, Tsukishima?” Hinata asks. Kei shakes his head and sits on the engawa, in the exact same spot —according to pages of journals and some pictures and doodles many other pieces of himself he had left at Lacuna— where he used to watch Akiteru practice.

“I’ll just watch.”

“Okay.”

Hinata keeps doing his thing, surprisingly silent. Kei gets lost in his thoughts and barely notices when Hinata stops, bites his lip and sits next to him.

Kei gives a start. Hinata ignores it and takes a deep breath.

“Hey, um.” He scratches his head, frowns a little. “Look, I’m not good at romantic stuff or whatever but I don’t think you should be worried about Kuroo-san. It’s obvious he’ll take you back.”

Kei snorts.

“How can you be so sure?”

“Well, why else would he come all the way here? Especially on New Year’s. If he wanted to dump you he could wait until you get back, or ghost you or something. I—I’m sorry!” Hinata apologizes frantically when Kei makes a grimace. “Sorry for being so blunt about it, but it’s the truth. Why would he kiss you if he didn't want you back? I mean, come on, Tsukishima. I thought you were supposed to be a smart one.”

Kei arches his eyebrows. He can’t help but chuckling, because, since when has Hinata become wiser than him?

“You’re right. Maybe the procedure fucked up my brains more than expected.”

Hinata laughs awkwardly. They fall in silence for a small moment until Hinata speaks again.

“Hey… are you ever coming back to volleyball?”

Somehow, Kei knew this question was coming sooner or later. That didn’t make it any less scary.

“I don’t know,” Kei answers sincerely, because after everything that has happened, the least he can offer Hinata is this. Sincerity.

Hinata nods.

“I think you should.”

“I don’t even think I know how to volleyball anymore, Hinata. Like, at all. I don’t even know if I’m good at it.”

“When we were in high school, you got good real quick. Once you made your mind about dedicating yourself to it, of course.”

Kei doesn’t know how to answer. Hinata isn't the one to give up, so he pushes his luck.

“What are you so afraid of?”

And suddenly Kei can’t speak. He can’t tell Hinata how it terrifies him to know that trying again might be a waste not only of time but of energy, and his already battered heart wouldn’t be able to take another blow. He’s been trying so hard to rebuild himself but he knows he’s still fragile. He’s not like Hinata or Kageyama, has never been. He’s not strong enough.

And at the same time, not trying leaves him breathless too. Because maybe, just maybe, he can get back on track, and if he doesn’t try at all, the what ifs might eat him up at night until there’s nothing left of him. Wandering aimlessly through life, being an empty shell is equally as scary as trying and failing. Volleyball is so cruel — it has given him so much, but it has taken a lot too.

He clenches his hands into fists, tries to breathe deeply. His eyes sting because he can’t find his voice and then he feels Hinata’s hands on his shoulder trying to calm him down. “Whoa, okay, I’m sorry. We don’t have to talk about that. Just breathe.”

And then he starts talking about something completely unrelated such as his friend Kenma’s first video and how he started his recent Youtube channel, and it’s distracting enough that Kei is able to relax slowly.

He doesn’t deserve these friends, but he’ll take them anyway.

“Thank you.” Kei says honestly when he can find his voice again.

“It’s okay. Hey… Just think about it, okay? And if you decide not to come back, that’s fine. But if you do, hurry up and catch up! ‘Cause I wanna beat you when I come back from Brazil. I wanna be the best so I can play more matches!”

Kei would roll his eyes if his chest didn’t feel as warm.

“Alright.”

It dawns. In the end, no one but Hinata and Kei are awake to see the first sunrise of the year.

They watch it in silence. It’s nice.

All the energy Kei spent socializing and overthinking and feeling so much leaves him completely drained, so after he and Hinata go back inside, he immediately falls asleep. When he wakes up it’s already lunchtime and he has missed going to the shrine and saying goodbye to his friends. Apparently, nobody wanted to wake him up because they knew how exhausted he must have been with everything that was going on.

He skips lunch, however, getting ready to meet Kuroo. He wouldn’t be able to stomach a meal anyway.

Kei is ready, staring at the ceiling of his old room when the doorbell rings. He exhales audibly and thinks, here we go.

He lets his mom know he’s going out. Kuroo is in the yard, looking exactly as awkward as he did the day before. He’s carrying a small backpack.

“Hi,” Kei greets, approaching him.

“Hi. Happy New Year.”

“Happy New Year.” Kei shrugs. “Do you wanna go inside?”

“Actually, do you know somewhere close where you can play volleyball?”

Kei frowns. “What?”

Kuroo doesn’t flinch, serious. Kei sighs.

“There’s a public court in the park nearby, like three blocks away from here.”

“Cool. Let’s go there.”

“Fine,” Kei grumbles. They walk the three blocks in silence. Naturally, there’s no one around. Everyone is probably home or at the shrines. Plus, it’s so cold and the sun is about to set soon.

Kei is about to sit in one of the benches when Kuroo takes a ball out the backpack he had been carrying.

“Let’s play,” he says, and doesn’t give Kei time to think when he’s already walking away and tossing the ball at him. Kei freaks out and catches it on reflex.

“What?” he gasps. Kuroo ignores the question.

“You’re not supposed to catch it. You’re supposed to hit it back, y’know? That’s basic volleyball for you. C’mon, serve.”

Kei’s frown deepens. A couple of meters away, Kuroo is impassible, emotionless.

“What the hell, Kuroo?”

“Just do it. Put some effort into it.”

Kei huffs and serves out of rage. Kuroo chuckles, amused, and easily tosses the ball back.

“Good.”

“I thought you wanted to talk,” Kei pants, hitting back.

“Yeah,” Kuroo answers nonchalantly, throwing the ball right back at Kei.

“How can you be thinking of playing at a time like this?” Kei hits back.

“Well, life itself is a game, isn’t it?” Kuroo replies cynically. It’s the last straw and it leaves Kei paralyzed with rage. The ball passes by him, but Kei ignores it when it hits the ground.

“How can you say that?” he demands, pissed off. He knows what he did to Kuroo was fucked up, but what Kuroo is doing is downright mean. If he doesn’t want to be with him anymore, he should just say it and not play this elaborate mind games. Kei barely has any energy and strength left.

He notices his vision turning blurry. Before he can’t control himself, tears are already falling down. “Fuck,” he curses, taking his glasses off and wiping his tears away. He hears Kuroo apologizing but doesn’t care.

He sits on the bench to regain control of himself.

Kuroo sits next to him.

“I’m sorry,” he whispers, trying to touch him. Kei slaps his hand away. “Hey, don’t be mad,” Kuroo sighs. “I just wanted to get to you.”

“Well, congratulations. You succeeded,” Kei hisses bitterly.

“I just don’t know how to deal with this,” Kuroo admits.

“Making a clown of yourself sure isn’t the way to.”

Kuroo chuckles mirthlessly.

“Yeah, I guess you’re right.” He pauses, then speaks again. “I saw the boxes. Just exactly what worries you so much about them?”

“You mean our past?”

“Yeah. We have a past we didn’t know about,” Kuroo shrugs. “Big deal.”

Kei glares at him.

“Big deal? Seriously? I broke your heart. I left and pushed you out of my life without even so much as a warning.”

“Yeah, and?”

Kei clenches his fists. Kuroo is being impossible.

“What do you mean, and? I hurt you. I hurt you bad.”

“So?”

“So? Stop being a jerk, Kuroo. How would you like someone you love doing that to you? Did you even listen to your recordings? You sounded so broken.”

“So did you.” Kuroo says. Kei grimaces.

“Yeah, but… I wasn’t broken because of you.”

Kuroo shrugs. “Still, I didn’t notice. What kind of boyfriend doesn’t realize how bad the person you love is hurting?”

“What kind of boyfriend just leaves?”

At that, Kuroo’s mask finally breaks. A flash of anger crosses his face.

“Do you want me to blame you?” he dares. “Do you want me to say ‘yes, you’re right Kei, you were a bad boyfriend and you hurt me and I don’t wanna see you anymore because you broke my heart once,’ because yeah, maybe I should say those things, but the hurting? The brokenness you’re so worried about? I don’t fucking remember any of it. I just remember meeting you that night after work and feeling like I was finally home. So. There’s that.”

Kei is at the verge of crying, again.

“That doesn’t mean it didn’t happen, and it definitely doesn’t make it okay,” he argues weakly.

“Hm. You know what I think isn’t okay? The fact that you think that you should be carrying this weight all on your own. The fact that you barely left me a choice a couple of days ago when you left.”

A silent tear runs down Kei’s cheek.

“I didn’t want to see you hate me after you found out about what I did to you,” he confesses.

Kuroo groans angrily.

“I don’t hate you! I could never hate you, don’t you get it?! But I hate this. I hate that you just assume these things and don’t let me take part in it. That day you left the boxes,” Kuroo’s voice cracks. Kei looks at him in astonishment. Kuroo doesn’t look at him, clears his throat, and goes on. “That day you left the boxes, you could’ve stayed. We could’ve solved that together.”

“I just…” Kei huffs. “I freaked out.”

“Yeah, well, you freaked me out too,” he makes a pause, turns and looks at Kei in the eyes, smiling softly. “But I won’t let you walk away this time.”

He takes his hand in his. Kei whimpers.

“W-why? Why, after all I’ve done?”

“Because you’re not the same person you were back then. Don’t you see it, Kei? From the moment I met you, that time near your workplace, I knew that you were going through a rough time too, but you’re trying to get better, and as long as you’re trying to get better, there’s hope.”

Kei’s tears come rolling down fast, a few sobs escaping his mouth. He covers his face, embarrassed, and feels Kuroo pulling him into a tight hug.

He doesn’t fight it.

Kuroo holds him until Kei calms down a little, and even after that.

Then he asks:

“Do you remember that time we were talking about The Little Prince?”

Kei sniffs against Kuroo’s chest.

“Yeah.”

“I read it again on my way here, and I got a new favorite part I wanna tell you about,” he says softly. “It’s actually in the same chapter you read to me that day, but a little after the Little Prince says goodbye to the fox. After he does that, the fox tells him to go to look at the roses again, and the Little Prince understands that his rose, the one that he left on his planet, is not at all like the others. His rose is the only one that he has watered, and taken care of, and listened to when she was angry, or happy, or silent. She’s the one he has put time and effort into, because he wanted to, and it is that what makes her so important and unique.”

Kei is crying bad at that point.

“I don’t care,” and he can’t see Kuroo’s face, but he hears his voice shake; “I don’t care what has happened between us before, because those things are the ones that have brought us here now,” Kuroo sniffs; “and I would like to keep going, if you want to. I would love to see you keep growing, and getting better, and be by your side through it all.”

Kei shifts, breaks the embrace to look at Kuroo — there’s no mistake now, he’s definitely crying almost as bad as he is. Kei’s heart skips a beat. He cups Kuroo’s face and wipes a few tears away.

“It might get ugly sometimes,” he croaks, voice raspy from crying.

“I don’t care,” Kuroo answers, and Kei feels happy. He laughs shakily, nervously, making their foreheads touch. Kuroo laughs, too. “You’re a mess,” Kei says, and Kuroo replies; “Look who’s talking,” and kisses Kei.

“Where are you staying?” Kei asks when they’re walking back home, hand in hand. Kuroo chuckles.

“I called your friend Oikawa and he was coming here too for New Year’s, so yeah. I owe him.”

“Oh boy, that reminds me. I have to apologize and thank him for everything.”

“‘S alright. You should call him tho, he worries about you.”

“I’ll do it tomorrow.”

“Hm. Invite me to stay over at your place, Tsukki.”

“Hey!” Kei blushes. He looks away. “I was about to. Are you ready to meet my family, though? I mean, like… again.”

“Please, I’m dying to,” Kuroo answers with a wide, sincere smile. “What better way to start the year, don’t you think?”

Kei smiles shyly and looks up.

“I guess so,” he says. “I have other resolutions, tho.”

“Like what?”

Kei’s smile grows wider.

“Do you think you could teach me how to play volleyball?”

Kuroo’s eyes widen for a second before his expression softens.

“I’d love to,” he smiles warmly.

In the clear night sky, the moon has begun to shine.

Kuroo thinks it looks beautiful.

From Tsukishima Kei's archive, on Kuroo Tetsurou:

September 27th, 2013

Dear diary:

I turned 17 today. I thought it would be a normal day (school, then practice — the Spring Interhigh is coming soon) but I was mistaken.

I got a text from Kuroo by the second period.

“Look outside,” it said. I looked through the window and he was standing in the schoolyard. I don’t know how the sly bastard does that, but I swear to God, he can sneak anywhere.

Not gonna lie, I freaked out a little bit when I saw him. I asked the teacher for permission to go to the bathroom and met him. He hugged me and wished me a happy birthday before I could even say anything.

I asked him why he was there. He told me he wanted to make this day special and that we should go on an adventure. I’m not usually one to do crazy stuff like that, but I couldn’t resist the smile on his face and the fact that he had come so far only to see me. It made me weak in the knees.

We went to Tsukihama beach. I showed him around and we took our shoes off and walked the shoreline, holding hands. The water was a little cold despite the sunny weather but I didn’t mind. By the end of the day we sat down and watched the sunset. He put his head on my shoulder. I always worry it’s too bony, but he looked comfortable, and I thought of the time I found out that Akiteru lied. I was so disappointed, and it hurt so bad when I saw him crying that night in his room. I never told him, but I cried myself to sleep that day and I promised myself that I’d never put any real effort into anything or anyone, because it wasn’t worth it to feel like that, to be hurt like that.

Until Kuroo.

I don’t know if this will hurt me in the future. I don’t know if it will end someday, but it’s worth it. He makes me want to put effort into this. He makes me want to try.

I don’t know if I will be as happy forever as I was today, but if it ever comes to an end, I hope I have the guts to stand in front of him and tell him, “Kuroo-san, thank you. It has been worth it. It has been worth all of it.”