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“You’ve probably got some brilliant filing system but I couldn’t work it out so everything’s put away as neat as I could make it. Some stuff is missing but that’s why we have back ups, right? And hey - I’m sure everyone will understand. If they don’t then I’ll sue them.”
Jimmy hadn’t stopped talking since they had got home. He had been oddly quiet for the car ride but it hadn’t been one of the comfortable silences they usually shared. This one had been barbed and rubbed against her skin as she tried to settle in the moment.
Kim wasn’t sure the constant commentary was much better.
He popped his head around the bedroom door with a hesitant smile. “Need anything? Water? Pain meds?”
“I’m good.”
He nodded and backed away. She hadn’t missed the flash of shock in his expression when he’d looked at her, like he had forgotten what a mess her face was. If she hadn’t spent the journey home staring at her own ghostly reflection in the passenger window then she might have forgotten as well.
As it was she had tried to memorize every gash and scrape, determined to catalogue every wound so she couldn’t forget that afternoon.
Kim stood up from the bed, wincing at the pain in her left leg, and hobbled slightly over to her mirror. While the dark red marks across her face still stood out against her pale skin, the cast was what caught her attention now. It was almost comically chunky compared to her arm. The thought of spending more than a few hours lumbering it around made Kim close her eyes to the image.
No, she thought, determinedly glaring back at the mirror. You did this to yourself. You can’t just hide from it.
With her left hand, she started unzipping the jacket Jimmy had given her at the hospital. Judging by the stale smell, it had been in the trunk of his car for a while but she appreciated it anyway. It smelled more of home than the emergency room.
It took a second for her to fully unfasten it, but she could eventually slowly pull it over her shoulders. Thankfully it was baggy enough to slide over her cast with little effort.
“Hey - here, let me-” Jimmy hurried into the room and made to grab the jacket but she stepped away.
“I don’t need-”
“Just-”
“Jimmy!”
He took a step back but she saw the way his eyes darted to the cuffs. His hands twitched.
“I can undress myself. Okay?”
Jimmy nodded and turned to the dresser. “I think I saw that some channel was doing a Nightmare on Elm Street marathon tonight. We’ve missed Baby Depp but we’re definitely in time for the all shark jumping if-”
“What are you doing?”
He turned around, holding up a set of her bunched up pyjamas. “Thought sausage dogs might-”
“Oh my god, Jimmy, just-” Kim covered her face with her left hand, unable to bear his rejected expression. “Stop hovering. I have been putting on my own clothes for years now. I can manage.”
She had expected him to slump away, leaving her to get dressed and then feel guilty for snapping at him. Instead, he threw the clothes onto the bed and took a step towards her.
“You don’t have to manage! I’m here!”
“I’ve got to learn to do it-”
“ Why? ”
“Because I do!”
Jimmy was the picture of restraint. Usually overly animated, seeing him hold back now as though he might jostle the air in a way that might hurt her just wound Kim up more.
“I want to help,” he said, unable to stop his voice cracking. “You’re hurt and I… I can’t just stand here. ”
If there was one thing that could rock Kim’s otherwise steady foundations it was seeing Jimmy on the verge of tears. He was always the emotional one, his heart firmly on his sleeve where the world could so easily reach it, but this was different somehow. She had caused this.
It wasn’t like she had never hurt him. It was impossible to have a decade of friendship without some arguments. Years of keeping him at arm’s length had at times upset him more than he had let on. She knew he always wanted her closer.
This was something else though.
He wasn’t upset about something she had said or done. The pain in his eyes was from the fear that she might never have left that hospital or, hell, even that car.
It was a fear she shared but wasn’t ready to confront, not yet. Jimmy had never been very good at compartmentalising though.
“Sorry,” he mumbled and swiped at his eyes. He stood up straighter and gestured vaguely at the bed. “I thought- I’ll just-”
“Jimmy.”
Formulating arguments and twisting words to fit her purpose was part of Kim’s job that she always excelled at. Now, standing in front of Jimmy, with the harsh truth of the situation barely hidden in his eyes, she couldn’t think of a single word.
A reality where she didn’t make it was playing out in Jimmy’s head so clearly that she could practically hear it. The idea that she had made herself so indispensable to someone frightened her. It had never been her intention. Life was better with Jimmy in it, but it wasn’t like she had built her dreams and her existence around him. If he was taken out of the equation then her life still worked.
As soon as she thought this though, the reality of losing Jimmy suddenly, to have him cruelly ripped away, hit her. The fundamental elements of her life wouldn’t change but the colour would drain away, leaving only the bare outlines.
That had been enough for her, once. The chance of a solid foundation was all she had ever craved. Now, though…
And she had nearly done that to him.
With her good hand she reached forward and tugged him to her using the hem of his shirt. He folded his arms around her so gently she could barely feel it over the dull aches and pains that were slowly returning in force. She let him hold her and buried her face into his shoulder.
“Sorry.”
“Don’t be,” she sniffed. “Sausage dogs do have healing powers.”
“Yeah?”
“Obviously. Dachshund doctors.”
He laughed wetly. Kim felt it more than she heard it and it was that more than anything that broke down the barrier she was too tired to hold up any longer. This quiet moment with Jimmy, making silly jokes and effortlessly sharing space together, might never have happened. His last memory of her could have been her barely glancing back as she rushed out the door.
Her final memory of him would have been that dumb Matlock suit and expensive tequila.
The exhaustion she had been ignoring all evening finally caught up with her. Kim screwed her face up against the tears she refused to acknowledge and twisted her grip on Jimmy’s shirt. She had never felt anything like the safety she had found there. Right now, it was overwhelming.
“I know you’re gonna want to do everything, Kim,” Jimmy murmured. “Just let me help. At least for tonight. Okay?”
Though Kim knew she would endeavour to do as much with her left hand as she could, it was only a matter of time before she found a wall no amount of determination would break through. Even though the concept of needing help with basic tasks was repugnant to her, Kim knew it would stop Jimmy feeling utterly helpless.
And maybe - just maybe - she could accept a safety blanket, however temporarily.
“Okay.”