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Taichi could not sleep.
This wasn’t exactly a rare occurence. No, on the contrary, Taichi found himself lying awake and staring at the ceiling more often than not, thoughts tumbling around his mind incessantly, while he never quite succeeded in achieving true relaxation. Hey, he couldn’t help it, not when he was as average as anyone else yet so much more incredibly wanting at the same time. It was difficult to stave off these thoughts, even when he’d achieved a great deal more than he’d ever expected.
But recently, things had been a lot worse, now with the loud addition of some quite... Alarming thoughts regarding one Sumeragi Tenma.
Now, Taichi had probably been, at one point, the most confident guy on earth when it came to his sexuality. Girls were pretty, girls were cute, girls were kind, and all he wanted was some attention from them, really. That is, until he’d spent a little too much time with Tenma, and realized woah, okay, maybe I wouldn’t mind kissing a dude, either.
To clarify, it hadn’t been love at first sight, or anything. It wasn’t as if Taichi had spotted Tenma for the first time and heard a choir of angels singing or felt Cupid shoot an arrow through his heart. Instead, it had come slowly, through a mixture of spending time with Tenma, getting to know Tenma, making an attempt at getting over his inferiority complex about Tenma.
And then at some point, the thoughts of I wish I was popular with girls! and I want a girl to like me! had morphed into I wish I was popular with Tenma! and I wish Tenma liked me! and before he knew it, Taichi was daydreaming of kissing him and coming to terms with being bisexual and genuinely just going through one big shitshow.
And now he was here, kicking at a rock on the ground as he stood outside the Mankai Company building at 1 a.m. in his thin, flimsy pajamas because he couldn’t sleep, remnants of an earlier conversation replaying in his head.
(They had been in Taichi’s room that evening, alone while Omi was cleaning up after dinner.
“Hey, Ten-chan...” Taichi had said hesitantly. “Do you ever, um...”
“Do I ever what?”
“Do you ever think... that guys are kind of cute?”
“What?” Tenma blinked at him dumbly.
“You know, like...” Taichi swallowed nervously, making a point of looking in every direction but Tenma’s. “Do you ever think that you might be attracted to guys?”
Tenma had spluttered, turning a bright red, cheeks nearly as flushed as Taichi’s, and said, “Dude, w-what the hell?! Why would you say that?!”
Taichi had visibly deflated, he was sure of it, shifting his eyes back to his phone in his hand, an awful sinking feeling settling in his stomach. Oh. Of course it was going to be like that.
Tenma must have noticed, because then he said gruffly, “And what if I am?”
And Taichi had perked right back up again, grinning so widely that he was sure Tenma thought he was being just a little too happy, how could he not, and then let out a loud “Ten-chaaan! Me too!”
Tenma had stared dumbly at him, and the two of them had promptly burst into laughter, the sinking feeling disappearing slowly away from Taichi’s chest.)
Except now, it was back again.
Tenma liking guys had nothing to do with it, Taichi supposed. Just because he liked guys didn’t mean he liked Taichi, it didn’t even necessarily mean that he liked anyone at all. (Taichi wasn’t really sure whether that would be for better or for worse.)
Because really, how could Tenma like him back? In what universe would that happen?
Tenma was bright and blazing, the definition of a star in every way, and Taichi was, well, Taichi. No matter how hard he’d tried, no matter how far he thought he’d come, no matter how much Tenma acknowledged him as a rival, he’d still be Side Character A at heart. Sometimes it felt like the progress he made came at the pace of a snail, while Tenma raced ahead of him and bloomed fervently on stage. Despite all of his efforts, it was still like that, huh...
No! Taichi thought sharply.
He slapped his cheeks with both hands roughly, physically trying to shake himself out of his stupor. The breath that he let out curled in a puff around him, visible in the chilly fall morning, and he imagined that his thoughts were dissipating along with it.
I can’t think like that anymore, He thought. If I’m good enough for Ten-chan to think of me as a rival, then I am at least on par with him.
And it made him feel better, just a little bit, although the thought of Tenma not liking him back just because he didn’t like him back wasn’t the most comforting either. Taichi pouted, despite the fact that there was no one there to see it, and kicked at the rock again, pretending like it was his feelings that he was beating to a pulp.
With another sharp exhale, and a loose, jittery shake of himself, Taichi reluctantly stopped tormenting the poor rock and turned around to face the door.
He walked in slowly, careful to close the door gently behind him so as to not wake anyone up. The thoughts were still relentlessly churning inside of him, but being back inside the dorms ground him a bit.
That is, until he stumbled his way through the living room, and was met by the soft, yellow glow of the kitchen lights.
“Taichi?”
Oh fuck.
Tenma was looking at him blearily from the kitchen doorway, clutching a steaming mug between his hands.
Now, cute wasn’t really a good word to describe Tenma. If Taichi had to pick one, it’d be handsome or attractive, words a bit more suited to a blindingly bright movie star. But something about Tenma’s sleepy eyes, his tousled hair, the crease marks on his cheeks — Taichi truly couldn’t think of a better word than cute in this moment.
His heart swelled in his chest, and he fought the overwhelming urge to walk over and wrap him in a giant hug. (He thought that maybe he’d feel a bit better that way, too.)
“Hey, Ten-chan...” Taichi said instead.
“Um.” Tenma blinked. “What are you doing?”
Taichi let out a breathy, awkward laugh as Tenma stared at him, confusion written across his face. “Just, y’know... Getting some fresh air.”
Tenma didn’t respond. Taichi’s heart continued to thump wildly, despite the small pang he felt in his chest from all of the negative emotions still whirring around inside of him.
“What about you?” Taichi asked.
“Me?” Tenma responded. He glanced down at the mug in his hands. “I’m, uh. I woke up and I couldn’t fall asleep again.”
Cute.
“I couldn’t sleep either.” Taichi said, smiling to himself a bit.
Tenma flashed him a tired grin in response.
And then, even though there was no real reason to cry, not really, a lump suddenly rose in his throat. Something about the way that Tenma was looking at him, something about the way it felt to be the only two awake in the early morning hours in the kitchen together, something about Taichi’s internal conflict from earlier just seemed to pierce his heart.
“I’m, uh.” He blurted. “Gonna. Um. Goodnight, Ten-chan.”
Taichi promptly turned on his heel then, running blindly towards the living room, where he collapsed on the couch and buried his face in one of the decorative pillows.
It wasn’t the loud, gasping sobbing that Taichi often experienced. The tears slipped out slowly and quietly, desperate in a way that only crying alone at 1 a.m. is. He felt the pillow growing wet underneath his eyes, and he curled his hands into it, digging his nails into the soft fabric.
Damn it, he wanted Tenma to like him back, he wanted him to, no matter how undeserving he thought he was.
He heard the footsteps shuffling behind him, and mentally cursed himself from not running to his room. It had just seemed too far away in the moment.
“...You know I can hear you, right?”
Taichi let out a strained noise, face still pressed against the pillow.
He felt the dip of the couch beneath him, and the weight settle with it, and he knew that Tenma was really, painfully close to him right now. It didn’t do anything to help steady his already unstable heart.
“Uh.” Tenma grunted awkwardly. “Are you okay...?”
“I’m fine.” Taichi mumbled miserably into the pillow.
“Okay...” Tenma said slowly. Taichi could hear the notes of concern in his voice. “But. You know you can talk to me, or whatever, right?”
There was a beat of silence, in which Taichi briefly mulled over the fact that there must be something very wrong with him if hearing Tenma say that made him so happy despite the fact that he was literally in the middle of crying.
“If you want.” Tenma hurriedly tacked on.
And he was being considerate, he was being so nice to Taichi, because he was Tenma and he was cool and holy shit Taichi wanted to be his boyfriend so bad.
Before he knew it, he was sitting up and facing Tenma, the words tumbling out of his mouth.
“It’s just not fair, you know?!” Taichi said, voice cracking. “You get to be so cool, Ten-chan, and I’m all — you know!” He gestured vaguely to himself.
There was a mixture of emotions swirling inside of him, sadness and frustration and longing, but upon seeing the look his words procured on Tenma’s face, they all seemed to cease existing.
”Dude,” Tenma said incredulously, eyes widening. “That’s what this is about?!”
Taichi sniffled and pouted. “Well, obviously!”
Tenma stared at him, brows furrowed and mouth hanging open slightly. Taichi didn’t really know what that meant.
“Taichi.” Tenma said seriously. “I-I’m serious here. I’ve told you a million times that I don’t think of you like that. And I know for a fact that nobody else does, either.”
Huh. Well that was an easy argument to retort.
“You didn’t conspire to plot the downfall of the theater.” Taichi responded immediately, an odd feeling of defense prickling at his stomach.
Tenma looked at him, his expression a bit unreadable. “Well, no. But it’s not like I didn’t hinder our success.”
Oh, right. Tenma’s stage fright.
Taichi often thought that what Tenma had done had paled in comparison to Taichi’s more serious offense, but seeing the fire in Tenma’s gaze as he talked about it somehow made him think otherwise.
“Besides, if I didn’t think if you as my equal, I wouldn’t think of you like — ” Tenma suddenly cut off in the middle of his sentence, cheeks coloring pink.
Taichi, feeling all of the frustration melt away almost immediately, tilted his head in confusion.
“Like what?” He asked.
Tenma turned even redder as he stammered, “Ah, it’s. Um. It’s nothing.” He waved his hand around distractedly.
But something about Tenma’s tone, a bit too fond to truly be annoyed, and his pink cheeks, had Taichi’s heart pounding wildly and his mind spinning. There wasn’t any subtext to it, was there? There couldn’t be.
“I like you, okay!” Tenma nearly shouted, and Taichi jumped in surprise, startled. “I like you, when you asked me earlier today if I liked boys, I said yes, but I really only like you.”
Taichi’s brain shortcircuited.
“A-and I wouldn’t... Like you,” Tenma bit out the words quickly, so red in the face that it couldn’t possibly be healthy. “If I didn’t consider you my equal.”
Taichi could only stare, head spinning. What was going on. What was going on! Had Taichi just received a confession? From Tenma?!
No. No, Tenma couldn’t possible like him back. Not when Taichi was so Taichi and Tenma was so Tenma.
But the blush on Tenma’s cheeks was telling, and although Tenma was notoriously bad at expressing his true feelings at times, there was no way he didn’t know the weight that his words held. He wasn’t academically bright, nor was he necessarily socially bright, but he was by no means an idiot. And he wouldn’t mess around with Taichi’s feelings like that. Tenma wasn’t that kind of guy.
So, Taichi realized dumbly, Tenma was serious then.
Tenma liked him. Tenma liked Taichi.
Even though Taichi was still struggling to get over his self-doubt, even though he had just been crying while comparing himself to Tenma for the millionth time, even though he needed reassurance sometimes.
Wait.
Yeah, that was it.
Belatedly, Taichi realized that that was it. The whole inner crisis that had set off this string of thoughts and events wasn’t him being weak. It wasn’t him being inferior to Tenma. It was simply him needing reassurance. It wasn’t like he could get through life on his own, after all, not when he wanted to please people at heart.
Tenma sitting here in front of him, telling him with his bright and blazing eyes, that Taichi mattered too, that Taichi was cool too, that they were equals... That was what he had needed.
Taichi thought that perhaps he could get used to this. To seeking out reassurance whenever he needed it. To getting through things with the help of others too, not just himself, to getting through things with the help of Tenma, who, even though he often struggled to find the right words and actions, always managed to make him feel better.
Just like that, the lump in Taichi’s throat disappeared.
Tenma was still staring at him nervously, and he looked so embarrassed that he wanted to die, and once again, the only adjective that Taichi could think to describe him was cute.
And he cares about me! He gushed internally, heart fluttering. He cares about me enough to want to comfort me!
Wow, Tenma really was cool.
But Taichi wanted to be there for Tenma too. Taichi wanted to comfort Tenma too, if he needed it, and he cared about Tenma too, he wanted Tenma to be happy too. Didn’t that mean that he was cool as well?
Taichi chose to respond to Tenma’s confession with a wide grin, one that stretched from ear to ear, before promptly tackling the other boy in a hug.
“Wha —“ Tenma spluttered.
Taichi buried his face in Tenma’s shoulder, relishing in this feeling of warmth, of happiness, of giddiness. Tenma hesitantly wrapped his arms around Taichi too, and Taichi could feel it in his touch, the way that he cared so strongly about Taichi.
Pulling away, Taichi looked straight at Tenma.
Their faces were extremely close, and Taichi felt the flames of a blush lick at his cheeks, but he thought that if he got any farther from Tenma he’d back out.
“Ten-chan.” Taichi said abruptly. “Can I kiss you?”
He felt the embarrassment hit him as soon as he said it, but seeing Tenma blush and stammer was kind of a reward of sorts.
“I. Does that mean — ”
Taichi nodded fervently. “Yes. I like you too, Ten-chan!”
He grinned then, and was about to make some sort of comment on how cute Tenma was, but then Tenma’s lips were on his and oh okay they were kissing now.
Taichi’s heart was beating so hard that he was sure Tenma could hear it, if not feel it, and wow Tenma was a good kisser. He’d heard horror stories about first kisses, and maybe he could chalk some of this up to Tenma’s movie star experience, but this wasn’t like that at all.
Tenma’s lips were soft, they sent tingles down Taichi’s spine, and his hands were cupping Taichi’s face so gently that Taichi felt like he was going to absolutely burst.
When the two of them pulled away, cheeks sporting a matching red color, Taichi could only stare dumbly.
“Woah.” He said eloquently.
Tenma flushed harder. “Yeah. Woah.”
And then Taichi felt a giggle bubble up in the back of his throat, and before he knew it, he was laughing. And then Tenma was laughing, and Taichi was burying his face into the crook of Tenma’s neck while Tenma wrapped his arms around Taichi.
The two of them stayed like that for the rest of the night, cuddling on the couch quietly and talking to each other, until eventually Taichi dozed off, his heart warm and his cheeks sore from grinning.
Yeah, this was it.
(Taichi woke up about four hours later to Tenma mumbling, “Taichi, your elbow’s poking my stomach.”
Taichi had muttered a sleepy “Sorry,” and moved his arm, opening his eyes to catch a quick glance at Tenma.
The first few rays of the sun were beginning to filter in through the blinds, falling gently across Tenma’s face. His eyes were closed, and he was breathing softly, and Taichi felt so incredibly happy.
He likes me, he thought sleepily.
“We should probably get up before somebody finds us,” Tenma said quietly.
Taichi hummed in response, but Tenma only snuggled farther into him.
Neither of them moved as they both drifted off to sleep, the morning sun slowly rising in the distance.)