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He gives me the same feelings of rotating dollhouses, just dancing in circles with background music while I stare at him, curious if he can read my feelings for him but, of course, he can’t read my feelings - not when I never talk with him about it, this is the only aspect of my life I don’t like to share with anyone. The emotional aspect of my life must be kept away from anyone near me , I must hide any feelings I have so I can walk in peace, no thoughts, no turbulent thoughts going through my mind while I suffer alone. Yet, I still wonder if he knows my feelings for him. This silly, young boy who woke my curiosity up. ‘ He probably knows.’ , Kaoru says appearing out of nowhere.
‘What is possible, for him, to know?’ I asked while trembling out of the scary appearance of Kaoru behind me. ‘ I don’t know, but keep looking at him this way, as if you were devouring him with your eyes and he will realize something about you.’ Kaoru answered, with a teasing voice behind his dirty smile and then, he just left me alone again.
He knows, Kaoru says. If I keep looking at him this way, it is obvious that someday he will realize something. I am not that dumb. But he knows. How on earth does this playful childish sort of adult know something? He’s just out there playing and teasing all of us whenever he has some free time, he is always giggling about something and he is a shame to formulate smart phrases. How on earth does he know about something?
‘I know…’ Shinya appeared for no reason at all in front of me while I was immersed in my thoughts. ‘And you’re going nowhere if you keep just staring at him. He may not be scared, though. But he is curious, just like you. And his lips are as soft as cotton candy.’ He said and just vanished from my sight before I could even ask him how he knew about my feelings for Toshiya. Or how he concluded that his lips are as soft as cotton candy. Kaoru probably told him about something.
But this just doesn’t click right. It doesn’t matter from where I try to look at it, any conclusion I’m headed to doesn’t sound right. Something is out of track and I couldn’t realize it and now I’m not curious about Toshiya anymore, I’m confused. If Shinya knows and kissed Toshiya, Toshiya must have had a talk with him about me but I can’t picture Toshiya talking about me. Unless Toshiya just has this angelical and pure face and couldn’t go far away with Shinya, who concluded that Toshiya is also curious about something about me, a kind of feeling he must fill his heart with. While Kaoru just knows .
But he is curious, Shinya says. Curious about what? And how am I supposed to ask him? There isn’t anything like a recipe on how to talk with people about your feelings, right?
A few days had passed and I couldn’t ask to go out with Toshiya or just keep a conversation if it started to get into emotions. I liked him and sometimes, he would surprise me, intellectually stimulating me. ‘This sort of feeling is new to me. I mean, of course, I felt similar things before, but friendly. I’m playful and I like it. But this… This feels different. It’s not the same as it is with Die or Shinya. Even with Kaoru, it is different. And I like him, a lot.’ Toshiya said, out of nowhere. This sort of feeling is new to me, he says. Well, I can’t say it is new to me, it’s just that we work together and God knows how many years we’re going to spend together as working and bandmates. All of my relationships couldn’t last long and I’m afraid; I don’t want to hurt him . ‘What kind of feeling are you having?’ I asked, I don’t want it turning into a confession hour dinner, so I can’t let it get to the point where Toshiya asks anything about my emotions. ‘It’s curiosity. I’m curious… about trying things with someone I can understand even when we share our silence. I wish this very specific person knew how I feel about them, and I want to know what they feel. I mean, they don’t need to say it, they just need to make a move, you know?’
Fuck. Fuck you, oh God, fuck. Breath. I need to breathe to be alive. Not that I even want to be alive. But I need to. This is not the moment to faint. And I can’t expose my emotions like this.
‘But if you can understand this person even when you’re just standing right there, in silence, why don’t you make a move instead of waiting for this said person to make the first move? It doesn’t seem to have any logic in your thoughts.’ Oh, I just forgot how dumb he could be sometimes. And I’m glad he’s not that bright. I’m just fine with watching him, dancing with soft music in the background as if he were some of those ballerinas of a music box. But watching him this close just makes me panic. I’m already small, and having this kind of feeling makes me feel even smaller. It drives me crazy. ‘Toshiya.’ ‘Yes, Kyo?’ ‘Move. Leave me alone. It’s nothing personal, I’m just not in the mood to talk right now. Move.’
‘Stay. Come closer. It’s nothing personal. I just want to look deep in your eyes, and I want you to use this moment to read me. Then, you can do whatever you want. I’m gonna give you an answer, please, pay attention to me and watch my actions.’ This is what I wanted to answer. Not a ‘Move, leave me alone. Go fucking away from me. Don’t talk to me, don’t even look at me, don’t dare to think about me’ sort of answer. But he may not be scared of me, right? Shinya said it to me and he hates lying, he is the most honest person I’ve ever met in my whole life.
Before Toshiya opened the door to leave and before I could even see it coming, I just called him. ‘Are you scared of me?’ I asked. ‘No. You’re just a pocket-sized man who doesn’t know how to deal with emotions. I’m sorry, the joke wasn’t nice, but it’s just cute… You being this small guy, with this ‘don’t touch me’ face. But I know there must be a tiny bit of you who needs affection. We all do, don’t you think?’ He said, closing the door as he started walking in my direction. Yes, it got me scared as hell. Imagine being locked in a room with a 179cm man wearing thigh-high boots, a motherfuckin pretty dress and heavy makeup while you’re just 160cm tall, some not heavy makeup, blond hair and the only scary thing you have is your facial expression, but you’re just out of the game because ‘Damn it. Damn it. You know, right?’, I asked, almost crying. I didn’t want him to know, not like this. Not looking like I’m smaller than what I actually am. ‘I’ve been thinking about you lately and wondering if you could read my feelings because I can’t say it out loud.’ Toshiya shily giggled, staring at me. His face was visibly getting light red even though he had his makeup on. ‘I know. You’re quite a funny guy. I’m glad you just said it. See? There is no problem at all.’ He got himself a chair and sat in front of me. ‘Is it ok if we just get a little bit messy?’, he gently asked me. ‘Will you fix my make up later?’ ‘Yeah.’ ‘I’m all yours.’
Then, his face suddenly got close to mine, our breaths mixed. I’m going to explode. He placed his hand on my face and, pulling me even closer, he desperately kissed me and I, of course, desperately kissed him back. Sometimes he would put his tongue to work, while our hands were running through each other’s body. While we were kissing, I couldn’t get the track of time, my mind was immersed with the thought that I wanted him more and more and I think that I looked like I would cry at any moment when we had to stop to catch some air. His lips are as soft as cotton candy, Shinya said. And he was right about it.
‘We still have to perform a whole show.’ Toshiya said, his cheeks were slightly red. ‘Yeah. We have. And we have to fix our makeup too.’ I said and, in a few instants, he started to fix our makeup. His hands were really agile so we got ready just in time to gather with the band, chant our ‘good luck’ mantra, and go up to the stage.
Months had passed and I couldn’t stop thinking about what Toshiya said to me. And I couldn’t ask him either - or I wouldn’t wonder about what he was talking about when he said he was curious . To be quite honest, I know what he was curious about, but I’m still afraid. I’m afraid I can’t care about him the same way he does, I’m afraid I will never be able to give my whole heart to someone and don’t end up hurting their feelings or getting myself hurt because of my stupidity. It’s been hard to breath when he is near me, it’s been hard to concentrate.
‘ He knows’ , Shinya said. ‘ And he isn’t afraid of you. His lips are as soft as cotton candy.’ Shinya wasn’t wrong about any of these statements. They were all facts the same way it is obvious I can’t keep it anymore even when I still find joy when I just look at him being playful and getting over excited about something. But there is something inside of me that broke before I could even see it coming. These turbulent and annoying thoughts.
‘ It’s been a while since I don’t see you looking at him with sparkling eyes. Did something happen between the two of you?’ Shinya asked me when we had spare time. I took a few seconds to answer him, I had to choose the right words to answer, otherwise, Shinya would make me talk about all of the relationships I had before and it scares me. In fact, I don’t want to remember any of them. ‘ You may know that we spent some time together, right? And that we’ve been in this very unique place where we share a lot of things in common. It is, indeed, a comfortable place to be in.’ I said. ‘Are you afraid?’ ‘Of what?’ ‘Taking the next step. Not that you have to. But Toshiya knows. I said it before, didn’t I? Toshiya is really playful and he likes it. It is not a lie, but he knows you. And you can’t hide your feelings for the rest of your life. You don’t need to be scared of him.’ Right after he said it, Shinya left me alone again. No, I wasn’t alone anymore: I had myself and talking to him always had the same feeling of looking through the mirror. I was not alone.
Watching Toshiya, the way he moves, the way he speaks and the construction of his thoughts and all of the things that makes him be who he is started to feel like looking through the window on a rainy day where I can’t go out because I don’t have anything to protect myself from the rain and I don’t want to get a cold. It’s a beautiful scenario, yet it is depressing and forces me to be locked inside my room when I need to walk so I can clear my mind from any thoughts. I sneeze, my body aches. He comes close to me and kisses my forehead. ‘Why do you look through the window when it’s raining if you hate it so much?’ He asked, sitting next to me.
‘ It just feels like looking at you. I dislike it because I don’t want to get a cold, but I still think it paints a beautiful scenario and its sound is just like classical music being played.’ , I said as I looked through the window, then I stared at him. He was also looking at the rain and didn’t answer me. ‘Does it bother you? Being compared with a rainy day. Does it bother you?’ I asked, wondering if it hurted him. ‘Not really,’ he took a breath, probably thinking about the best choice of words, ‘I like rainy days. They clear my mind and help me to put things in order . I only hate it when it's too cold because it hurts my skin; see, if I get a knife right now and press it against your skin, the coldness of the blade would make you hate me for real,’ he made another pause, and, while still looking at the rain, he continued his answer. ‘Your body is warm right now, isn’t it? If the cold blade of a knife touches your warm body right now, it will make you feel annoyed and wonder why I didn't cut your skin if I’m pressing a knife against it.’
I don’t need to be scared of him, Shinya said. Because he knows it, he knows how I feel and he knows me.
‘But it is still better than just sitting here, looking through the window because I don’t want to get a cold. At least, I will feel something physical.’ I said. And pay for all of the mistakes I made. ‘Do you ever feel like you’re not yourself when you look at the mirror?’ ‘Yes. Why?’ ‘Sometimes it seems like you’re always looking at the mirror, but you can’t find yourself. And I’m worried I feel the same when I look at you. I’m still curious about you.’
‘You’ve been saying this whenever you can. What, exactly, is your curiosity?’ I asked. He wasn’t looking through the window anymore, he was staring at me and gently grabbed my face, in silence. He isn’t afraid of me and, for this reason, I shouldn’t be scared of him but just having Toshiya staring at me like this, reading me… I can’t help but feel even smaller than what I felt the first time we kissed. ‘Why are you so afraid of me?’ He asked. Somehow, his voice was quiet; he wasn’t nervous or sad at all.
Maybe I know what he was talking about when he said he wanted to try new things with someone he could understand even when we shared our silence - it was the way he found to say he genuinely likes me, he genuinely likes my presence and that’s why he is not scared of me. He knows , Kaoru said on that day. And when he said he wanted the other person to make the first move, he wasn’t talking about anything more than just accepting these feelings that live deep inside of my heart and there is no need to hide it - not from him .
‘I’m not afraid.’ I said, my heart was beating faster and faster, he smiled. Beautiful. It’s hard to believe that, once, I really wished him to kill me and that I’ve been lying about not being afraid. I’m still afraid of this same feeling that hurted me before and made me hurt anyone else who tried to get into me, to understand and love me as I am. But my feelings are here and they are as real as Toshiya, kissing me, again.
Just as the first time, Toshiya desperately kissed me and I, of course, desperately kissed him back. But, unlike the first time, I tried to embrace my feelings for him and make sure he knows it. There’s no reason to fear it, there’s no reason to hide it - not from the one I’ve been watching since the first time I saw. He sat on my lap, giving me the chance to hold his waist and move his body closer to mine - his body was warm and he was purring, almost like a kitten -; his hands, happily walking behind my t-shirt, discovering everything he could about me and grabbing the places he liked the most.
It's getting hard to breathe, but damn it, just to have the chance of kissing him is so good already. ‘I… I wish we could live like this forever.’ Toshiya nodded, flushed. My feelings are here and they are as real as Toshiya is, now, inside of me. His body is still warmer than mine, both of us equally gasping. I felt tears streaming down my face. Looking at him gives me the same feelings of rotating dollhouses, and, if I could describe him with one word, it would be ethereal.
‘Kyo…’ ‘Yes.’ ‘Thank you.’ ‘For?’ ‘Letting me in.’ He smiled. ‘ Shut up. Let’s take a shower and sleep.’ Not that I’m planning to sleep, not when I can stare at him and memorize all of his details in peace.
‘Thank you, Toshiya.’ is what I wanted to say.