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Love is a sort of betrayal. It always is.
You love a person fiercely and intensely. You give them all of yourself.
But that's not forever.
Hearts change, and break. You find a new love. You abandon the old. And yet, whatever you might gain is haunted by the specter of what was.
Those feelings you felt never fully go away. Just when you think you've truly forgotten, your song comes up when you least expect it, or you catch a scent that reignites something primal inside you. Maybe it makes you smile. Maybe it rips your heart out. Doesn't really matter. You'll never be the same.
Maybe your first love is your true love. Even then, you fail in the little moments you wonder about what else could have been. Mistakes are made—mistakes are always made—and you can never take back what's done. You can both pretend, but wrath and pettiness are always lingering in the shadows with their fingers gripped around that loose thread, eager to tug at it on a whim to unravel everything you've built.
That's how it was for me and Jesse. Not just after he became a preacher. Not just after Dallas, or even after those years with his granma in Angelville.
Jesse taught me how it felt to have my heart ripped out of my chest when I was just 8 years old. With my parents, disappointment was all I knew. Jess showed me the folks I choose to love could hurt me just as much. I learned young that love and pain go hand in hand. You endure one for a fleeting chance at the other.
I've known that all my life. Jesse would remind me over and over. It was just part of the cycle, and I'd come to accept that. And somehow, I could never guess the the greatest betrayal of all wouldn't be cheating, or lying, or distrusting. The worst thing Jesse Custer ever did was die on me.
I know he didn't choose it. That didn't take away any of the sting. He'd abandoned me again and again, but this time was the worst of them all. This was something you didn't come back from.
And then it was my turn to betray, because that's the nature of love. If it weren't, maybe I could have let Jesse go at the start of all this. I could have just fallen for Cassidy when we first met and been done with it. Of course he'd possessed everything I needed to mend my heart. That's exactly why I couldn't see it.
I can't tell you when it happened, except it was long after that first stolen kiss, long after that night in the back of my car.
Sometime after we left Annville, after we started looking for God, I began to feel this strange pull to him. But I had Jesse, and after so much time not having him, I wasn't willing to let him go for anything. I'd curse Jesse for hurting me, for being there to stop me, and then hate myself for ever thinking it. I'd find excuses to touch my lips to Cassidy's and tell him I loved him, and I think only he understood that deep down, part of me meant it.
But he never asked me about it. He already knew my answer. I would have said, "No, I love only Jesse. It'll never be you." I would have lied because that was my truth.
Logically speaking, I didn't love Cassidy. And yet, I remember waking from death to Jesse holding my hand, but it was seeing Cass over his shoulder that made me feel truly alive again. Like I'd had a reason to come back. It was then that I knew this had nothing to do with logic.
After we lost Jesse, I nearly threw myself into Cassidy's arms. I needed him so badly then. Guilt stopped me. It was too soon—but it always would be.
That wouldn't have been fair to Cass, either. How could he ever understand I wasn't coming to him this time out of pity, or loneliness, or because I just had to feel something? I didn't want to make him feel like my consolation prize. Not again.
Maybe it was already too late. Funny how it could be too soon and too late all at once.
But these last few months together, living out there in the woods, looking after that sweet, sweet imbecile Humperdoo, was the closest thing I ever had to family. Cass truly loved us, and a crack started to form in the tough shell I sheltered inside. I started to admit, even just to myself, that I truly did love him back.
He didn't ever make a move on me. He didn't take advantage of my hurt. He just did what he could to help, and he was my most trusted friend, and he knew how to make me laugh when I thought I could never smile again.
I don't know how I hadn't seen it before. I don't know how I could lie to myself well enough not to know all this time. But how could I ever let him know that for real?
When I finally gathered the courage to tell him, my timing could not have been worse. I made burgers, with blueberries. It was supposed to be a special day. But then the Grail turned up. They'd found us somehow, and they took our Humperdoo away. We fought, and we lost. It was not the right time.
We were gonna go after him, back to Masada, and it was still not the right time.
But then again, it might never be. Who were we to stop the end of the world? Chances were we'd die trying. That was okay. But I wasn't gonna do it without Cass understanding how I felt about him.
He told a joke—one that would have had me reeling under better circumstances—and I just leaned in and I kissed him. God, I'd wanted to do that for a long time.
The kiss ended, and he needed just a second to breathe before we met each other's mouths again, finally giving in to everything we'd been denying for months, refusing to embrace because guilt had its angry grip on us.
This felt good, and right, and as the impassioned kiss continued and we began to make love, all I knew was the pleasure and bliss of the present moment, pure and warm and everything I needed.
When we were finished, gazing lovingly at each other, all I could think about was our future. If I had any say, it would be long and bright and beautiful, end of the world be damned.
It was silent and motionless for a while, as if we were afraid to disturb the peace of this dream. Maybe one wrong move would shatter it.
Once upon a time, I'd thought his bleached hair looked so stupid. Now, as his soft gaze pierced me to my core, it was a halo framing his gentle face. He was my guardian angel. Maybe I'd finally earned that.
He looked at me with half a smile, mystified but at peace. I think he wondered what was going on in my head, so I told him.
"I feel okay," I said, and those words felt powerful. It'd been so long since I'd felt okay.
I'd never seen him like I did then, and I wanted to see him this way every day for the rest of my life. This was something real. He was beautiful.
I had to get up for a moment. I’d been gone barely ten seconds, but when I got back, I thought I must be hallucinating.
“Tulip?”
There Jesse was, real and looking half-alive, a black patch covering one eye. He stumbled inside, passing Cassidy as he approached me.
“I'm back,” he said.
I was so relieved I could cry. The only thing I could do was embrace him. And yet everything felt wrong. The moment I decided I could move on—that I finally allowed myself to love again—here he was to make it crystal clear I'd done the wrong thing.
I couldn’t bear the look on Cassidy’s face, then, like in single moment he’d lost everything. He laughed a single, scornful breath that cut me to the core.
Maybe I was being tested, and maybe, for once, I didn't care if I passed.
Jesse needed a moment to clean up, disappearing into the bathroom while Cass and I both sat at the edge of the bed in silence. He looked absolutely broken, and even now I didn’t have the words to tell him how I truly felt.
“Cass I…”
“You don’t need to explain, love,” he murmured. “I understand. After everythin’ you’ve been through, y’know?”
He absolutely didn’t understand. But he would.
It was quiet again until Jesse stepped out, cleansed of a layer of grime, refreshed as he could be after coming back from the dead.
I was elated and yet—I couldn't let him ruin my happiness again. I'd have to betray him one last time.
I knew it was selfish. I knew he might never forgive us, or worse. But I wasn't willing to give this up. It was too important.
"Okay, so me and Cassidy are in love," I blurted as I stood, not stopping for a single breath. "Not his fault, not mine. You were gone, so we can't feel bad about it. So you can lose your shit if you want and Word us into toads. But just do it now and get it over with."
I couldn't believe I'd said those things, and I was terrified of what might happen next, and yet I didn't regret a word of it.
Meanwhile, Cassidy looked at me with the most piercing, astounded look. He couldn't believe it either. He'd assumed I'd throw him aside. This was Jesse, after all. I'd done it before. But not this time. Not after what he'd done for me. After discovering what we felt for each other. I could never.
Jesse barely moved, or emoted, and I couldn't guess in a million years what was going to happen next.
"Thanks for tellin' me," he said, calmly. He seemed upset, but in a small, sad way, constrained by a gentleness I hadn't seen in him before.
"You're welcome," was all I could think to say, and then, "we understand if you hate us.”
"No," Jesse shook his head softly, maybe lost, but grateful for life all the same. "I love you both very much. No matter what."
"We love you too, Jesse," Cassidy reassured him, his voice a blend of sympathy but also deep love, and awe, and still, confusion.
"It's true, you know," I added, and I did still love him, whatever that meant, in my own way that wasn't about spending the rest of my life with him. That love would be with me, and probably keep on hurting me, forever. But I'd made that choice and now I'd have to live with it.
“Is that it?” he asked us, his tone still flat. “Anything else?”
“Well, we're gonna go and get Humperdoo,” Cass said, “destroy the Grail, and maybe save the world from a fiery apocalypse.”
“Only if you're up for it,” I added, truly wishing he would join us. Even now, that just felt right.
"I'd like that," Jesse answered, smiling gently. "Sure I won't be a third wheel?"
"Yeh never have to worry about that, Padre," Cass reassured him with a firm hug, which Jesse returned.
Then, in silence, the three of us geared up. It was time to break into Masada one final time.