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If it weren't for Valentina, Katya would have stayed in bed with Matthew until she died. Katya yawned. She hadn’t slept very well that night. Matt had dozed off in between sessions but she didn’t want to miss a beat. She needed to commit everything to memory. She was strong-- cheerleading was a tough sport after all-- but she couldn't compare to her linebacker boyfriend. She needed to memorize the exact thickness of his hair, the V of his hips that led down to her new favorite part of his body, the manliest pussy in existence.
Everybody knew Matthew Derringer was a man with no penis or testicles, and a few parents raised concerns through the years about him being let into the boy’s locker room, but Matt’s fellow athletes always stood up for him. Katya loved hearing about how close-knit the football players were. Sometimes she wished she’d have been born a boy so she could have joined the football team when she transferred to Overboard Park.
Thinking about it, she was starting to realize how different she wished her life was.
“Katerina Zamolodchikova, so help me God if you don’t pick up your life as you know it is over.” Katya sprang up from the bed, wincing at the soreness between her thighs. She limped in big strides as she made her way into the living room section of the suite. “You know texting is my preferred method of communication so if I’m calling you, it’s a FUCKING EMERGENCY. Pick. The fuck. Up!” Valentina’s custom ringtone chewed her out.
Katya grabbed at her phone and slammed the green button. “Ohmygod, Teen!” she gasped. “Are you dying ?!”
“What the FUCK?” Katya was very confused to hear Willam’s voice on the line.
“You know, guys, you should really be nicer to your head cheerleader,” cooed Valentina.
Katya’s racing heart plummeted. “Valentina, why the SOS?”
“Oh, just because no one was replying to the goddamn group chat, ” Valentina hissed. “Why did we even set it up if you two aren’t gonna check it?”
Katya clutched the side table, her knuckles whitening. Willam voiced her frustrations for her. “You did not fucking call us at five in the goddamn morning to complain about us not responding to a group chat at an hour when every sane person is either GETTING fucked or FUCKING ASLEEP!”
Katya pulled her ear back from her phone speaker. If she was only half awake before Willam’s tirade she was sure as hell awake now. She unlocked her phone, careful to stay on the line while she checked. “Uhm, yeah, Valentina?” Katya tried to hide just how annoyed she was with the other girl. “You sent in a message at exactly 9:31 pm. I was at the dance with Matthew until midnight. I don’t get any signal at the school and then I was…” she blushed. “Well we were occupied after that.”
“And I let your ex fuck me in my butthole for literal hours,” Willam added pridefully.
Katya heard Valentina take a deep breath on the other line. “I… I know. I just…” Katya had to strain to hear. “I wanted my friends last night is all.”
Katya’s heart released an audible crack. What kind of friends were they if they let boys get in the way when one of them needed support? “I’m really sorry, Tina,” she said earnestly.
“Yeah,” Willam conceded. “Me too.”
Katya held herself high, spurred into action but slightly impeded by lasting soreness in her junk. “You know what we should do? We should have a girl’s day.”
“I haven’t eaten real food for the past week for prom,” said Willam. “I think I could down an entire cheesecake at this point.”
“Willam, aren’t you lactose sensitive?” asked Valentina.
“Your point?”
Katya rolled her eyes. “Anyway, the Oak Park Mall opens at ten.” She shifted her weight, testing her levels of discomfort, wincing.
Again Willam said what Katya was thinking. “Yeah, no fucking way am I gonna be out of the house by ten am.”
Katya nodded, forgetting her friends couldn't see her. “And I honestly don’t know if I’ll ever be able to walk again.”
“Did you pee afterward?” asked Valentina.
Katya blinked, confused. “What?”
“You’re supposed to pee after you have sex,” Valentina explained.
“So you don’t get a UTI,” finished Willam.
Katya struggled to remember. “I think I peed a couple hours ago.”
“And did you have sex since then?” asked Willam.
Katya blushed again. She could still remember Matthew’s tongue working inside her. “Maybe.”
“Go pee right now,” Valentina said in the boss voice she used to impersonate her mom. “Willam, can you stop by the pharmacy and grab some UTI medication before you pick me up?”
“I think I have some Cipro left over from last fall. I’ll bring it with me--when are we meeting up?”
A hand appeared on Katya’s hip. She gasped and spun around. Matthew was behind her, gazing down on her with love. Katya’s tension melted as he weaved his hand into her free one.
“What is it Kat?” asked Willam.
“One sec,” Katya excused herself from the three-way conversation; she pressed her phone to her bare chest.
Katya pushed herself onto her toes to steal a quick kiss then cuddled into Matthew’s chest. “Good morning.” She sighed against his collarbone. He traced circles over her hipbone with cold fingers, sending shivers down her spine.
“Making plans with the girls?” asked Matt, his morning voice thick. Katya’s stomach jumped into her throat at his deep pitch. She gazed adoringly at her lover. The light behind his head reminded her of a halo in a Renaissance painting.
“It’s really okay.” Matthew smiled down at her, stroking up and down her back with his fingertips. “We have to be out of here by ten thirty anyway.”
Katya hummed in pleasure and blinked slowly. She lifted her phone back into place. “Earliest I can do is ten forty-five,” she told her friends, eyes fixed on Matthew’s beautiful face as he traced up and down the curve of her back. Katya wondered how much water she’d have to drink to make up for the amount of fluid she’d lost in the last ten hours. And was still losing, so long as Matthew touched her.
“Great,” said Valentina.
Matthew’s fingers traced parallel to her crack before underlining the curve of her ass. Katya shoved her face into the crook of his neck.
Valentina continued “Willam’s gonna pick me up from my house about then so we should meet at elevenish?”
“Yeah. Sounds good,” Katya’s attention span was quickly depleting. She swallowed hard. Her hand shook as she reached for the red ‘end call’ button. “See you then,” she choked as Matt just barely touched her inner thigh.
“Katya,” Willam complained. “We haven’t said where we’d meet you.”
Matthew’s cold fingers found their way to Katya’s heat, soothing the abused flesh. Katya’s nipples stood at attention. She only had enough breath to whisper desperately “I’ll find you,” and slam the red button before she threw the phone aside. Taking her lover’s waist, he ever so gently stroked her. Mixed in with the sweet sweet pleasure, stinging pain interrupted. After only a few minutes, she tapped Matthew’s arm, signaling him to stop.
He dropped his hand immediately. “What is it, Kat?”
Katya grimaced. “I’m just. Really fucking sore.” Then she cackled. “And my friends just told me I probably have a urinary tract infection on the way. They said to pee after sex but does that even apply to us? Because...” She stopped in her tracks upon seeing his expression. Katya was suddenly very afraid that she’d offended her wonderful boyfriend.
Matthew looked suddenly contemplative. “Is the peeing after sex tip really a thing?”
Katya shrugged. “Better safe than sorry, I guess. Will was miserable last semester when she had a UTI.”
The right side of Matthew’s mouth twitched up. “Isn’t Willam always miserable?”
She doubled over laughing, quickly getting ahold of herself thanks to the growing firecrotch. “Oh, fuck.” She looked up at Matthew from her strange position, half bent over as tears stung her eyes. “I’m gonna need some ice.”
…
Willam chomped her gum loudly and lay on the horn for the third time since she’d shown up at Valentina’s front door. “Hey you skinny cunt! This was your idea!” Willam honked again. This bitch made her get out of bed before noon on a goddamn Saturday and she had the gall to not be ready when Willam showed up. How she could never be even a half minute late to cheer practice and yet never on time for anything else was gonna drive the co-head-vice-captain to murder one of these days.
She blew a frustrated bubble. This bitch. Willam shifted in her seat, practicing her acting skills. Sore? Willam Belli? Never! She’d put on some of her mom’s hemorrhoid cream that morning before she left. It was kinda helping, she guessed.
Willam reached into her backseat, checking to make sure she brought the Cipro like she’d promised Katya. She was proud of her friend for finding a good guy. Those are hard to come by in Overboard Park, thought Willam somewhat bitterly, her bright pink bubble deflating. Stop, she reminded herself, I’m happy for Katya. And, eyeing herself in the rearview mirror, Willam decided she’d congratulate her friend on getting laid, like any good bestie would.
As if on cue, Valentina made her way out her front door, locked it behind her and sauntered down her driveway to jump into Willam’s convertible. “Sorry for the wait, I got bored and started practicing for our next bake sale fundraiser.”
Willam gave Valentina an incredulous look. “You made cookies and didn’t bring me any?” she remarked, referencing Valentina’s empty arms.
The head cheerleader reached for her seatbelt and tugged it around herself. “Did you want to bite into a hockey puck?”
Willam chuckled. This was the reason Phi Phi O’Hara was in charge of snacks. None of the other girls could cook for shit. Willam ended up eating the batter raw, Valentina left the stuff in the oven until it was more charcoal than pastry, and Katya tended to forget entire steps, like mixing the batter or putting it in the oven or turning the oven on to begin with.
Both Willam and Valentina’s phones buzzed. “Group chat?” asked Willam, keeping her eyes on the road.
Valentina checked. “Yeah, Katya wants us to know that she isn’t in a position to do much walking this morning.” Valentina squinted at the screen, trying to make sense of the message. “She also says her cunt could melt Iceland. Which doesn’t actually make sense because Iceland isn’t actually covered in ice right now, since it’s summer but--”
“It’s Katya, Val,” reminded Willam. “Just let the weirdness happen.”
…
The triad agreed to meet in the food court in front of the crappy indie coffee place bound for bankruptcy. Willam had the Costco-sized bottle of antibiotics clearly visible on the table. When they saw her coming, it took all the strength and self control the cheerleaders had not to bust out laughing. Willam stood up and went to her friend, arms outstretched. “Okay, Kat, I can’t let you keep going like this.”
She could see the tears threatening to break free from Katya’s eyes, in pain and embarrassed. The poor bitch. Willam told her friend to just stand still and trust her. Not having much choice, Katya obeyed and was promptly hoisted bridal-style into Willam's arms. Willam told Katya to grab onto her neck to help balance herself and Katya obeyed, surprised by her friend’s strength.
Willam trotted over to Valentina, smiling broadly against the stares of other mall-goers. Valentina held her phone in front of her face, videoing the whole ordeal. When she got Katya back to their table, Willam gently lowered her injured friend onto the dirty vinyl-covered seat.
“Thank you,” breathed Katya. “I wasn’t sure I was gonna make it.”
“Jesus, girl, you’re really fucked up!” remarked Willam, taking a sip of her ginger tea. She looked down at her drink before passing it to Katya. “Here, you need this more than I do.”
Katya took the can and eyed it cautiously.
“It’s anti-inflammatory,” explained Willam, tripping over the multi-syllabic word. “Helps with soreness and swelling and shit.”
Katya looked from Willam, to the drink and back again, her lips pursed.
“Go on, I don’t have mouth herpes,” Willam assured.
That seemed to convince Katya, who took a swig and winced at the taste, swallowing anyway. She exhaled hard afterwards, cringing. “Oh, I hope you’re right.”
“Damn, Matthew rode you hard and put you away soggy, didn’t he?” Valentina remarked, only now noticing her friend hadn’t even bothered trying to mask the dark, bruiselike half-moons under her icy blue eyes, which Valentina also noticed were bloodshot.
Katya shook her head and brought the tea to her lips again, not daring to take another sip quite yet. “He’s not doing much better. All his friends are guys--they don’t have to worry about this kind of stuff.”
“How good was the sex for you to have rubbed each other this raw?” Willam shook her head in disbelief. “You look like shit!”
Katya hung her head.
“Will,” Valentina chastised. “Katya had lots of great sex and we are not going to slut-shame her for it.” She turned back to her friend and looked straight into her face, determined not to laugh at her swollen mouth or red eyes. “Congratulations, Kat.” Valentina patted the blonde’s shoulder.
Katya smiled the littlest bit then took a tiny sip of tea. Her reaction wasn’t as bad this time, now that she knew what to expect. “Honestly, if it weren’t for the friction burn, I think we’d still be in that room,” she said wistfully. “It was. Unbelievable.”
“We’re really happy for you, Kat.” Willam rested her hand on Katya’s knee. “But maybe bring lube next time.”
After a few moments of appreciative silence, Valentina took a deep breath. “Now, ladies, I want to talk about our plan of action for taking down Ariel Versace. She humiliated me and Alaska Thunderfuck, and ALMOST forced us to form an alliance.” Valentina treated the word like it ate her baby sister and shat her out ugly. “So we need to--”
“G’day, mates!” came a voice from behind Willam that made her pupils dilate and her fists clench.
“Courtney Act,” squeaked Willam. “The fuck are you doing here?”
The exchange student in question was wearing a white denim skirt that was so tight and short Willam could tell the kind of underwear Courtney was not wearing. “Court, why the fuck are you commando in a miniskirt in a public place?” she sneered. “ There are little kids around.”
Courtney crossed one leg over the other, trying to be modest for Willam’s sake. “It was the last clean thing I owned. Would’ve worn ‘em with--how’dya say--leggings--”
“Exactly like that,” Willam muttered, already wanting to bash her brains in with a baseball bat.
“But all mine’s got full o’holes,” Courtney continued. “So I figured it was time for a shopping spree. And the local shopping centre’s the best place to do that, nar?”
Willam rubbed her forehead with her middle finger. “So, you’ve explained why you’re at the mall, but what are you doing here? Talking to me?”
Courtney pulled out the empty chair next to Valentina, who was watching the exchange silently with Katya. The Aussie leaned forward, locking eyes with Willam. She reached out to try and touch the cheerleader, only for her to scoot her chair backward. Courtney retracted her hand, accepting that Willam didn’t want to be touched right now. “I came to talk to you because I feel like we got off on the wrong foot,” said Courtney. “And I wanted to fix that. So consider this a how’d ya say-- olive branch.”
For once, Willam didn’t flinch.
Courtney took out a piece of folded up notebook paper from the side of her bra and offered it to Willam, leaving lots of space on the paper for the other girl to grab so their fingers didn’t have to touch at all. Willam took it between her thumb and forefinger, treating it like someone else’s tissue she’d found on a desk at school. Once the cheerleader had taken her peace offering, Courtney went to stand up, slowly, and exhaled like it hurt to do so.
Willam raised an eyebrow. “Walk of shame?” she assumed. Courtney blushed and looked away. Willam grinned, chuckling a little. “Join the club.”
At that, the Aussie looked up inquisitively, her eyes flickering around the group. Katya raised her hand somewhat ashamed; Willam raised hers with pride and Valentina rolled her eyes and ruefully held up hers.
It was a kind of solidarity that told Courtney that she and Willam were back to square one. That Willam didn’t hate her, and neither did the rest of the cheerleaders. The other girls' confessions imbued her with confidence. “Well then,” she smiled and stood up straight. “Congratulations to all of us, then, for having people willing to sleep with us.”
The girls nodded.
Courtney smirked. “I know that’s more than can be said for Ariel Versace.”
At the mention of the gremlin who stole her crown, Valentina sat straight up. “You know dirt on Ariel Versace?”
Courtney closed her eyes and shrugged. “I hear things.”
But before Valentina could ask for any more information, Courtney was walking away, calling out goodbye, saying something about needing thongs and was gone.
The triad looked at each other stunned for a moment, collectively recovering from Courtney’s swift appearance and disappearance. Once Valentina recovered, she said “Where was I?”
She was interrupted for the second time in five minutes by a single word drawn out to three syllables.
“Hiiiieeeee!”
Valentina closed her eyes. “Jesus, fuck, why do we have to live in such a small town?”
“Probably because you’re wanted in fifteen states for crimes of bitchcraft.” Alaska’s acrylic talons gripped Valentina’s shoulders.
The cheerleader tensed. “Get your fucking hands off me, cunt.” Valentina growled.
Alaska squeezed once more before throwing her hands in the air. “Easy there, girl, I was just playing.” Her tone was sickeningly light.
The middle Thunderfuck child rested her hands on her hips. She wore a fitted knit pink dress that showed off her every curve and accentuated her inhumanly long limbs.
“The fuck do you want, Asska?” spat Willam.
“That’s not my name!” If looks could kill, Alaska would have Willam drained of blood and roasting over a fire. Willam met the other girl’s stare with raised eyebrows and crossed arms, showing off protruding biceps as if to say ‘you wanna go bitch? You know I’m stronger than you.’
“Are we having a staring contest?” asked Katya excitedly. "I'm super good at those, I spent a whole summer once playing the staring game with my reflection. That bitch was stiff competition."
Alaska raised her voice self-importantly. “I came over to do a welfare check on you sluts. How’s everybody’s cunts doing? Willam, how’s your ass, since the whole school knows you prefer the back door.”
“You know better than to come for me, bitch,” Willam warned.
Valentina asserted herself into the conversation. “Alaska, how’s your cuntwhore sister? The folks at Planned Parenthood are really missing her.”
“Aaactuallyyyy,” Alaska drawled. “Violet’s on a cruise with her 30-year old boyfriend for his birthday. She keeps sending me snaps of his boat.” She pulled out her phone from her bra.
“We’re landlocked,” Katya said. “How are they on a boat cruise?”
Alaska smiled. “He also owns a private plane.”
Valentina shook her head and rolled her eyes.
Katya sneezed and immediately winced, hand clutching her privates.
Alaska noticed the girls struggle. “Wow, Zamo, how good did you get fucked?”
“Really fucking good, ‘Lask.” Katya choked out a dry laugh. “Really fucking good.”
Alaska thought back to her own longest session. “Like, what? Three hours good?”
Katya chuckled again, shaking her head. “Like five hours good.”
“Woah,” Alaska’s eyes went wide. She’d masturbated three times last night and she thought that was a lot. “Wow. Good for you, Katya. Good. For. You.”
The Thunderfuck girl was still shaking her head in amazement as she walked away from the cheer triad.
“Allright,” said Willam.
“Now can I finish my fucking sentence?” Valentina sneered.
“Nah, bitch. You lured me into this with the promise of Cheesecake Factory and I am fucking getting my dessert.”
Katya deflated. “That’s on the other side of the mall.”
Valentina looked down on her miserable comrade. “You know what, Kat, don’t worry. I’m gonna find you a wheelchair. If we can, one of those electric ones old people use to get around Disneyland.”
Katya looked up at her friend, hope misting her eyes.
Valentina took a power stance and practiced the assertive voice her mom had taught her. Michelle was terse, but she didn’t get to be CEO of her company by being gentle. This was how you got shit done, remembered Valentina. By making people think you and your needs are more important than their own.
One mall employee reduced to tears later, Valentina zoomed Katya through the mall in a decades-old wheelchair boasting a cracking handicapped sticker. Katya was laughing so hard she was left with no noise escaping her mouth.
At the restaurant, the three girls flirted with enough employees (including the manager) for them to get their meals discounted and Katya’s dessert free.
Afterwards, the triad raced to Willam’s convertible in the parking lot giggling. “Okay, we have approximately half an hour before lactose sensitive Willam makes our lungs implode and our noses fall off,” said Katya through hysterical laughter.
“Hey,” Willam defended, grinning evilly in the rearview mirror as she turned the keys in the ignition. “It was your hobbling ass that got me the cheesecake so whose fault is it really?”
“Valentina!” Katya screamed, pulling her seatbelt into place. “The wheelchair was her idea!”
Valentina squealed in exaggerated outrage. “How else were we gonna get you from point A to point B without you screaming in agony?”
“Willam’s butch,” Katya shrugged. “I was gonna ask her for a piggy back ride.”
Willam screamed and slammed her foot on the gas. Her friends’ heads smacked onto their headrests. The cheer triad drove off laughing and screaming, too loud to hear the foreshadowing announcement on the radio.
“Onlookers watch dumbfounded as Assyousuck city mall goes up in flames. Firefighters are doing what they can, but it’s not looking like there’s much to save of the mall at this point. No casualties have been reported, and neither has a possible cause of the fire. Local PD says they do not suspect foul play.”