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Earlier in the day, Tsumugi had asked Masumi, “Don’t you think your feelings for the director might be more-I’m not exactly sure how to word this-based on your feelings for your grandmother?”
He was silent and hadn’t got a clue how to respond. He should’ve just denied it, right? Tsumugi was wrong after all. Wasn’t he?
“Ahaha...sorry. It’s only natural for you not to be able to respond. But don’t...completely shut out the idea. Maybe you see her as a parental figure that you er- never exactly had... But I really do think that your familial relationship with your grandma could have some sort of connection to what you have with Izumi right now.
“So...think about it a little, will you?”
It’s currently around 1:00 AM and Masumi can’t get Tsumugi’s words out of his head. He’s been laying with his back against the bed for what seems like hours, and hasn’t moved an inch since he initially laid down.
He has his big bulky headphones on, which have been blasting the same 5 songs over and over.
Tsuzuru, unsurprisingly, hasn’t noticed Masumi is still awake. Which is expected; he’s busy working on the script and Masumi can practically see the gears shifting in his head.
However, about 5 minutes later, Tsuzuru finally notices that Masumi’s awake.
“M-Masumi?” He turns around in his chair, nearly falling off of it in the process. “What are- Why are you still awake?”
There’s too much going on. Tsumugi’s words are still echoing in Masumi’s head, now along with Tsuzuru’s. The music blasting in his ears is supposed to drown it all out, but it’s doing quite the opposite. Everything’s just too loud.
Why won’t Tsumugi’s words leave him already?
Izumi? A...parental figure? She could never be, right? What he felt when he first saw her was love at first sight. It couldn’t possibly be anything else.
Right?
“Masumi! You’re- You’re crying?!”
What?
Masumi jolts up at the words. Crying? Why would he be crying?
But he can feel the hot tears run down his face and watches as the sheets are stained with them. He can’t deny it now.
“Uhm- I don’t know what happened, but are you alright?” Tsuzuru immediately facepalms the moment the words leave his mouth. “I mean- Sorry, you’re obviously not okay… Did- Did something happen with Izumi? Or something…”
Masumi doesn’t answer, instead just mutters, “Why?”
It’s a quiet whisper that leaves him, and Tsuzuru nearly misses it, but manages to faintly catch it.
“Masumi…” Tsuzuru furrows his brows. “Seriously though, did something happen?”
“I don’t understand why I’m crying.” The words come out flatly, despite the tears.
Tsuzuru gives him a sympathetic look and goes, “Hey, hey… It’s okay.”
He’s reluctant at first, but places a hand on Masumi’s back to calm him down, rubbing up and down. It works—to his surprise—and soon enough it’s as if nothing ever happened.
“Masumi…if you uhm- don’t mind me asking, what’s wrong?”
“It’s nothing.”
Masumi starts taking off his headphones so he can go to sleep, but Tsuzuru grabs his wrist and goes, “Wait!”
Tsuzuru’s grip on him causes Masumi to drop his headphones, and they fall to the floor with a loud thud! It’s loud. Too loud. The world is too loud right now. Masumi doesn’t know why but he feels like he’s suffocating. At first the world was too quiet and he always wished for some sort of commotion, because everything seemed so dull, but not like this.
“Hey- Hey! Oi, Masumi, what the heck? Wh-What’s going on? Like, seriously, you alr-”
“Let go.”
Tsuzuru releases his hand and the moment he does Masumi immediately retracts his hand from him, as if Tsuzuru was contagious or something.
“Don’t touch me,” he spits out, with as venom as he can, but his voice comes out slightly shaky for whatever reason.
“Masumi-”
Before Tsuzuru gets the chance to say anything else, Masumi gets up and leaves the room, uttering a “Don’t you dare follow me” before exiting, though may as well be saying the opposite.
When Masumi sees Juza in the kitchen and realizes he isn’t alone, he feels relieved and terrified all at the same time.
He doesn’t want to be alone, can’t be alone right now. But he’s pathetic. So pathetic; what use is there showing anyone that side of him? No one, much less Juza, needs to see that.
“Masumi…?” Juza mumbles. “...I was just ‘ere for water, but what’re you doin’ here?”
“I…”
Juza really doesn’t need to see Masumi like this. Juza, who’s always so strong and and naturally reliable, someone who’s the opposite of pathetic.
“You...okay?”
Pathetic, pathetic, pathetic.
Why does he even try anymore? What’s the use? No matter what he does he will never be enough.
"Dad! Mom! Please, my teacher even said the essay's really good, you should come-"
“No. Listen to your parents. That is the only thing we ask of you. ”
Masumi is crying. He’s crying again again and can’t stop. It’s dark and it’s a sort of silent cry, so Juza almost doesn’t notice at first. Masumi was never a crier, he was never really able to. After years of neglect and feeling like trash, his emotions went numb, you could say. There were moments when he would want to cry but...nothing ever came out. Still not much tears are falling even now, but the fact that he even has the ability to cry is a wonder to himself.
“Masumi...are you crying?”
“I’m-” Masumi’s voice cracks. “I’m pathetic.”
Juza furrows his eyebrows. “You’re not. Don’t say that.”
Masumi’s legs start becoming wobbly for some reason and he nearly collapses if it isn’t for Juza catching him in his arms. Juza hugs him tight, and he can’t say he hates it. In fact, he almost sort of enjoys it. He feels...loved. When was the last time he ever felt loved?
“Why are you doing this…” Masumi knows the words that come out of his mouth aren’t at all like the usual him, but he’s stopped caring at this point. “No one asked you to be here and- and comfort me, Or anything…”
“Doesn’t mean I shouldn’t.”
“...”
Juza continues. “Is there- Is there anything I can do to help? I’m here. And I’ll listen to anything you have to say.”
“I-” Masumi takes a shaky breath. “I don’t think I’m in love with Izumi. Not in the way I thought I was at least.”
Tsumugi’s right. Tsumugi’s always been right. Masumi’s just an idiot for denying it so long until now, for never believing him and realizing until this very moment.
“I think that...what I saw in her was what I considered romantic at first because I’ve never really known what it’s like to be in love… Neither have I ever really felt familial love before. My parents; they always called me pathetic. And in their household I would never be enough. How could I love humans like those my parents, right?
I don’t where I’m going with this. Sorry...”
“You’re fine.”
“My parents never treated me like part of the family. Even if I tried to do everything I could to please them, it was never enough.
I was never enough.
Seeing Izumi the first time, putting so much effort into something, even if it was just her “hammy” acting, kinda sparked something in me. Maybe I’ve been denying all this time but when I saw her, maybe I thought ‘For once I might have a chance of finding someone that can put effort into me. That won’t treat me like a toy or puppet.’”
Masumi feels Juza hug him a little tighter, as he says, “Listen, ‘m uh- not good with words. Or anything. Like that. But even I can tell that all of your troupe-mates and just Mankai is general truly sees you as family.”
“Am I even worth anything… Without even my ‘obsession’ for Izumi, I really have nothing to offer.”
“Listen…” Juza sighs. “I don’t got a damn clue what you’re goin’ on about. The way I see it, you have everything to offer.”
Masumi doesn’t remember the last time anyone made him feel so appreciated.
“If there’s one thing I can promise you for sure,” Juza continues, “it’s that you are loved. You are loved uh- sincerely. By everyone here. And more.
You’re...You’re loved so much more than you think you are. And again, I’m really not the best with words...but I hope you realize someday how much you deserve to take up space in this world.”
It’s a lot to take in for someone like Masumi, and even harder to believe. But he gets the message. And honestly? He can’t thank Juza enough for it. He manages to whisper a quiet “Thank you…” (hoping somehow Juza will hear it), before dozing off in his arms.
Masumi opens his eyes to see Juza’s sleeping face right in front of him, and can feel Juza’s breath light on his own face. Juza looks so relaxed, Masumi would hate to disrupt it. He’s usually so tense, and keeps to himself to the point where his posture is honestly horrific.
It’s like he thinks he doesn’t deserve to take up space in the world, even though he does. Though, Masumi understands the feeling.
Masumi pushes away the thoughts for now and decides to just cuddle closer to Juza, feeling his strong arms wrap around Masumi and for once in his life he can actually feel protected; safe.
Masumi drifts off to sleep again, in Juza’s arms, and everything feels right.