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Felix was a breathless kind of beautiful. When he looks at Chan and their eyes connect, the breath filling Chan's lungs squeezes right out of his rib cage and gets caught up in his throat.
Felix’s eyes sparkled like the night sky, crinkling into perfect crescent moons when he smiled or laughed. Chan was pretty sure that Felix held the constellations on his skin and in his eyes, he wondered to himself if Felix was in control of the stars. He would believe it if he were.
There was something about the airyness of Felix’s laughter that caused Chan’s heart to beat against his chest, something about the way Felix said his name. The way Felix brushed up against him, clung to him without a second thought. There was something about Felix.
Whenever Chan found something he deemed interesting, he excitedly ran to Felix. “I saw a shooting star!” “A new video just uploaded, wanna watch it together?” “Isn’t this cute?”
There was a tenderness between the two of them that was unmatched by many. Chan was certain they shared a once in a lifetime type of relationship.
Before Chan met Felix, he spent most of his time missing people. He still misses people. It’s just that Felix gives him a sense of comfort and warmth that others can’t. There is absolutely nothing in the world like coming back home from a long day to Felix sitting on the couch, smiling up at him when he walks through the door.
That’s exactly what Felix was to Chan, home bundled up into a person.
Defining the feeling of home was something that Chan struggled with for a long time. He left his home country at a young age and since then has struggled with finding that normality. Felix was his beacon of light. He knew exactly what Chan was feeling.
No one quite understood Chan the way Felix did. Chan spent countless nights spilling his heart out to Felix, letting his stream of consciousness roll off his tongue and out of his mouth. He didn’t have to filter himself when it came to Felix, there was nothing he was afraid of. Chan knew in his heart that Felix wouldn’t judge him for anything.
Well, almost anything.
Felix was lying with his head burrowed in the crook of Chan’s neck, his breath soft and body still save for his fingers absentmindedly playing with Chan's hoodie strings. Chan was staring at the ceiling so hard he could make shapes out of the stipple. He had one arm wrapped around Felix, delicate yet firm, and the other draped across his own forehead.
It was moments like this Chan cherished yet dreaded the most. In moments like this, it’s just the two of them in their own little world. If Chan wanted to he could roll over and count the freckles painted across Felix’s face.
If Chan wanted to he could reach out and brush his thumb against Felix’s lips, kiss him soft and sweet.
“I can hear you thinking,” Felix mumbled against Chan’s neck, causing Chan to blink back to reality. “What’s on your mind?”
Felix pulled back, fingers still wound up in Chan’s hoodie strings. Chan took a few deep breaths before rolling over to face him.
“I don’t know,” He said, barely above a whisper, willing himself to focus on anywhere but Felix’s eyes. “I’m just thinking.”
“What about?” Felix asked.
“You, mostly.” Chan finally allowed himself to look into Felix’s eyes, gauging his reaction. Felix’s expression was almost unreadable, his brows knit together and his eyes innocently doe-like as they scanned Chan’s face.
“What about me? Did I do something wrong?” Felix asked. His fingers detangling from their place in Chan’s hoodie strings. Chan quickly put his hand over Felix’s, pulling it back between their bodies.
“No, no, nothing like that,” Chan rushed the words out, wrapping his fingers around Felix’s smaller hand. “I don’t know how to say what I want to.” Chan trailed off, a soft pathetic laugh escaping his throat.
Felix didn’t say anything for a while, only nuzzled closer and adjusted their hands so that their fingers interlocked .
Chan wondered whether or not what he was feeling was fair to Felix. The two of them had blurred the lines between platonic and romantic a long time ago and it wasn’t until recently that Chan picked up on it. He couldn’t figure out if Felix felt it too.
Chan blinked himself out of his stupor, bringing his right hand up to brush the bit of hair that had fallen into Felix’s face. Felix melted into his touch, smiling lazily against Chan’s calloused palm.
“Are we okay?” Felix asked, voice barely above a whisper.
Chan nodded, choosing to remain silent. He didn’t trust his voice at the moment. Of course they were okay. It was hard for things not to be okay when Felix was involved. A warmth radiated off of Felix in waves at all times. Chan had already convinced himself that Felix ruled the stars; it wouldn’t be too much of a stretch for one to say that Felix was the sun itself.
“We’re okay,” Chan said, finally finding his voice.
The two of them laid on top of the bunk bed curled together for what felt like hours. Chan watched as Felix closed his eyes, watched the flutters of his eyelashes when he blinked, as they gently found their resting spot against his cheekbones. They talked about nothing, everything, and anything in between. When it was quiet, the silence held homliness.
“Can you hold me?” Felix asked, his voice even smaller than before.
“Of course,” Chan replied, clearing his throat, wrapping his arms tightly around Felix’s lithe frame.
The familiar scent of vanilla and lavender infiltrated Chan’s senses as Felix adjusted himself. Chan pulled the blanket up and around the two of them, pulling Felix flush against himself.
Felix moved slightly, rustling the covers as he did so, “What are you thinking about now?”
“I’m thinking about you,” He paused to smile softly in an attempt to reassure him. Chan could tell just from how fidgety the younger was that he was nervous; it took all the strength in Chan’s body to stop himself from burrowing his nose into Felix’s hair and squeezing him tight. “How lucky I am to have you in my life.”
Felix wrinkled his nose, “Ah, you know I’m the lucky one.”
Chan pulled back slightly to cup Felix’s cheek once more. “I don’t think you understand how much you mean to me.”
The seriousness of his tone must have caught Felix off guard. Chan watched Felix furrow his eyebrows, watched Felix open and close his mouth only to settle on a pout.
“I don’t know what’s gotten into you,” Felix shook his head, “if you don’t think you mean just as much to me then you’ve officially lost your mind and we need to get you a doctor.”
Chan laughed, shaking his head, “I think I’m in love with you.”
Chan prided himself on being well spoken, however, he didn’t always think before he spoke. He tried his best to think when he could – actually, he was starting to wonder if he thought in general.
Chan cursed himself severely and shut his eyes tight. Shit.
“Chan?” Felix asked, but it wasn’t phrased like a question. He sounded winded. “Did you mean that?”
“Honestly, Lix,” Chan slowly opened one eye, “I didn’t mean to say it.”
“But did you mean it?” Felix was once again unreadable and that made Chan’s stomach churn.
Felix rolled his eyes and Chan answered, “Yes.”
“I love you too– I’m in love with you too.” Chan heard Felix say it but everything went a little bit fuzzy as soon as the words processed in Chan’s brain.
“Seriously?”
“I’ve been trying to tell you for months, idiot.” Felix was smiling, a big, blinding cheshire smile that stretched from ear to ear. It was a smile so blinding that it could rival the desk lamp Chan sometimes accidentally stared into while zoning out at work. A smile that could rival the sun, a smile that could rival the stars.
“I don’t understand.” Chan was slowly coming to his senses, “You like me?”
Felix fixed Chan with a look, a slight quirk in his eyebrow. “I love you.”
Chan blinked a few times, moving his hand down to hold Felix’s neck, thumb moving along his jawline. “Is this okay?” Chan asked, leaning in closer. The two of them were practically nose to nose.
“Can you kiss me?” Chan heard himself ask. “If you want to,” he added.
Felix sighed softly. Chan swiped his thumb across Felix’s lips, he may have been trembling. For the first time in a long time, Chan was nervous.
Chan was so nervous.
Underneath all those nerves was a different, bubbling kind of excitement he hadn’t felt in a long time.
Chan watched Felix’s eyes flutter shut and felt Felix grab a fistful of his hoodie.
“I’ve wanted to kiss you for a long time,” Felix whispered and Chan could feel his breath against his lips. “Are you sure?”
“Please,” Chan didn’t mean to sound as desperate as he did. It was just that he knew if he thought about it too hard, he would chicken out.
Felix didn’t need any more convincing. The miniscule gap between the pair closed instantly. Chan closed his eyes in tandem, letting out a small noise of surprise at the pressure on his lips.
Just like everything else when Felix was involved; it was warm, gentle. As a result, a warmth blossomed in Chan’s chest. Felix’s lips were soft, softer than Chan imagined they would be.
“We should–” Chan was cut off by another brief peck, “We should talk about this– later.”
Felix giggled against Chan’s lips causing Chan’s heart to do a summersault inside his chest.
“I agree,” Felix said between kisses, “later.”
Chan thought to himself, with his hands tangled up in Felix’s hair and their lips fitting together, that maybe Felix was his other half. Maybe Felix was his soulmate, an angel sent from heaven straight into his arms.
Before now, Chan wasn’t sure if he believed in soulmates. But, with Felix’s lips against his own like this, everything seemed to align.
Kissing Felix, felt like coming home each time.