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How much did one man have to screw up to cause the nicest, most understanding girl in Kamiyama High to start avoiding him like the plague? That was the question I had been asking myself for the past few days.
It was honestly quite miserable, Chitanda didn’t even want to look at me. Anytime she saw me she would immediately look away. She would conveniently be out of club meetings any time I was there. It was altogether entirely different from the ever curious, personal spacing invading Chitanda I had grown used to.
I had been trying to piece together the reason for her behavior. So far I’d come to the conclusion that her reason for avoiding me all focused around something that had happened last Friday.
When I arrived at the geology lecture room after class that day, Chitanda was already there. Satoshi had General Committee duties and Ibara had her shift at the library, so it would just be the two of us. I’d considered going home since there wouldn’t be much to do— the anthology for this year was practically already done— but knowing Chitanda she’d be there anyways. I wasn’t about to make her sit in the club room all alone.
She greeted me with a cheery smile, pushing the newest treat from her family toward me. This time it was some sort of peach candy. I sat across from her and helped myself.
“Oreki,” Chitanda spoke suddenly, “I... I never got to thank you...”
It takes me a moment to realize what she’s talking about. Right, the whole choir thing.
I’d found her in that storehouse, exactly where Yokote said she’d be. I wasn’t sure how long I’d waited for her, sitting up against the door before it opened, but by the time she came out I knew it was too late to get there in time for her solo.
I fell back and found myself face to face with Chitanda. Her eyes were red and puffy and she rubbed them as she spoke.
“I want to go home.”
I walked back to the bus with her. The rain was still going at a steady pace, so we shared the umbrella that she’d taken.
We rode back in silence. Looking back, I wish I’d said something that’d be at least a little comforting, but I had been too focused on not getting nauseous from the rocking movements of the bus.
When we got to her stop, she said she’d be fine walking home by herself. I nodded and let her go, watching as she left.
We’d seen each other a few times after that, but neither of us brought up what had happened. Maybe she’d just been waiting for a time when it could be talked about in private. Like right now.
I sallowed the candy I had in my mouth and shook my head. “I didn’t do anything.”
Apparently that wasn’t the right thing to say. Her head snaps up, she leans forward, hands slamming on the table. Surprised at the sudden outburst, I lean back. “That’s not true!” She shouts, “if it hadn’t been for you—“
She cuts herself off and clenches her hands into fists. A conflicted expression passes over her face before her shoulders relax and she hides her eyes behind her bangs. This time when she speaks her voice is barely audible. “You did more than you realize... you always do.”
The room is silent now as I blink at Chitanda, not knowing how to respond.
Everything after that is a blur. Next thing I know, I’m sitting there, completely dazed, slack jawed, mind blank. Like I had been put in a trance.
Chitanda is right in front of my face, her own is flushed. “I-I’m sorry!” She cried before running away.
I don’t snap out of my stupor until she’s already out the door. Even then I still had trouble processing what just happened.
Did I black out or something? This wasn’t like the incident with the first year, I was sure I’d actually been paying attention this time, yet my memory was still failing me.
It didn’t seem like the right move to chase after Chitanda and ask her at the time. Whatever had happened, she’d probably be too embarrassed to talk about it. I was right to assume that, as it turned out.
I had seen her only a few times in passing since then, and each time she’d avoid me. Then on Wednesday, when we were all supposed to meet together to finalize the details of what we’d bring doing for the cultural festival, Chitanda was absent. Ibara explained to me that she’d left early, but had already talked to her about her ideas.
I found it difficult to focus on the meeting. My gaze kept drifting to Chitanda’s empty chair. Ibara must have noticed my lack of focus because she closed her notebook with a huff and announced an end to the meeting.
As I was about to leave with Satoshi, Ibara stopped me. “You’re a real idiot, you know that?”
“I guess I am.”
“You know you could’ve just let her down easy instead of acting like a brick wall!”
Now I was sorely confused. “I don’t understand what you mean.”
Ibara opened her mouth and then closed it again. Her eyes went wide and she looked up at me incredulously, “do you really not get it?”
“Honestly no, I don’t even remember what happened.”
She was taken aback by that. Then her expression turned sour. “You’re an even bigger idiot than I thought!” She declared before stomping off.
While walking home with Satoshi, Ibara’s words weighed on my mind. While he prattled on about something or another, I was desperately trying to remember what I had done to hurt Chitanda.
I was brought out of my thoughts when Satoshi’s hand hit my back.
“You alright there, Houtarou? You look like you’re using up a lot of energy.”
He wasn’t wrong. Trying to remember was exhausting, but I’d rather be exhausted then leave things between me and Chitanda the way they were.
“Do you know why Chitanda is avoiding me?”
Satoshi frowned. “I think she told Mayaka, but I didn’t ask. All I know is that she’s embarrassed about something she did.”
Embarrassed. About something that she did. So it wasn’t something I had said or done, but rather something Chitanda had said or done that she was worried about my reaction to. The only thing I could think of from that day that she would be embarrassed about was her little outburst. That wasn’t enough to cause her to keep away from me as much as possible, she had to know I didn’t care about that. Something else had to have happened.
This poor memory of mine was really starting to become a detriment.
“Wow, you’re really worked up about this, too. I don’t think I’ve ever seen you like this.”
I pointedly averted my eyes. “I just don’t like to see her so upset.”
“It must have really been something big.”
“Wish I knew.”
Satoshi stopped walking. I turned back at him and saw the same incredulous look that Ibara had worn before. She must be rubbing off on him.
“Wait a second, do you not know what happened?”
I once again averted my eyes. Now I was the one who was embarrassed.
“You seriously don’t know!” He caught back up with me and started shaking my shoulders.
“I just forgot, okay?!”
“This is the incident with Oohinata all over again.”
I pushed him away. “No, it’s not. I was actually paying attention to what happened this time, I just... I can’t remember.”
“Huh,” Satoshi brought his hands up to rub his chin, “is that so...”
I start walking again and he follows. Pondering to himself quietly.
“You know, I’ve heard before that your brain will often block out traumatic memories in order to help you cope.”
I balked at that. “What in the world do you think Chitanda did to me?!”
“Hold on, I’m not saying she did anything bad. I’m just saying that whatever she did it was too much for you to handle.”
“What could she have possibly done that would cause that?”
“I don’t know, but I think there’s a way we can trigger your memory!”
Satoshi looks awfully confident. For a moment I think this memory may be best left forgotten, but then I think of Chitanda keeping her distance and avoiding me for the rest of our high school days and I reconsider. Maybe a year or so ago I would have preferred that, but now that sounded painful.
“Alright, what do you have in mind?”
That night Satoshi and I met at Akabashi bridge. It brought back memories of the time he called me to help him figure out the election scandal. I had been reluctant to help him at first, but conceded for the sake of proving someone’s innocence. Now he was willingly coming out to help me with my own mystery. Friendship is a funny thing.
It’s probably not a good idea to be out this late on a school night, but Satoshi doesn’t have any free time otherwise due to his duties as General Committee Vice President, and I'd rather get all of this resolved as soon as possible.
In the spirit of switching things up, I follow Satoshi’s lead as we walk down by the river.
“Have you eaten anything yet?”
I nod, I had eaten with my dad and sister about an half an hour before coming out to meet him.
“That’s a shame, I was thinking we could go to that ramen place again.”
Right, I had honestly forgotten about that place. Now that he mentioned it, I remember it being pretty good. I wouldn’t mind going again. “We could go if you haven’t eaten yet.”
“No, I already ate, too. I was kinda hoping you hadn’t so we’d have an excuse to go.”
I shrugged. “It’s probably for the best, we don’t want to be out too long.”
Satoshi only hummed in agreement. We walked in silence for a few minutes before he spoke again.
“So, what do you remember from that day?”
I’m careful in how I explain things to him. As far as I know, he isn’t exactly aware of what happened on the day of the Chitanda’s choir solo, just that she didn’t show up. I hadn’t told anyone about the details because it didn’t feel like it was my story to tell. Whether or not Chitanda did, I wasn’t sure. If he did know then he could fill in the gaps himself.
I told him about how we had been the only ones in the geology room that day, that I had dismissed her thanks and she got a bit upset. Then the next thing I know I’m being pulled out of a daze and Chitanda’s blushing face is inches away from mine before she stutters out an apology and runs away.
“So you don’t know what led up to her being so close to you?”
I shrugged. “It’s not exactly unusual for Chitanda to get close to me, so I didn’t think much of it.”
“But her behavior was rather strange, don’t you think?”
Perhaps. While Chitanda certainly wasn’t emotionless, she didn’t typically let herself get upset like that. Of course, she had a lot on her mind as of late, so I couldn’t really blame her.
“Also, you need to learn how to accept gratitude. The whole humbleness thing can get frustrating.”
“I don’t want to get a big head.”
“Yeah, yeah, but still, we’re all grateful for your help.”
Chitanda’s voice suddenly began echoing in my head. “You’ve always helped me so much, Oreki... I’m so grateful for you.”
My steps slowed a bit as the memory of her words came floating back to the surface. She had looked bashful when she said that, unable to meet my gaze.
“I think she said something similar.”
“Eh? Wait, did you remember something?”
Satoshi looked astonished as I nodded.
“Wow, I didn’t think it’d work that fast.”
Wasn’t he the one who said this would help? “It’s only a small memory.”
“That’s still progress!”
As we wandered down the sidewalks, Satoshi continued to grill me in an attempt to fish out any blocked memories. Unfortunately the rest didn’t come as easily and we spent a good hour walking aimlessly as Satoshi bounced off possible scenarios.
“Maybe she slapped you?”
No, I would’ve felt that.
“Maybe she tore up one of your books?”
All of my books are intact.
“Maybe she laced those candies with memory suppressants!”
That seems highly unrealistic and very unlike her.
“Maybe she hit you?”
Didn’t you just say that?
“This is starting to get unproductive,” I muttered, looking down at my watch, it was nearly 10 o’clock. “It’s getting late, we should probably head back.”
“If anything we at least got you to remember one thing, that’s a start, right?”
“I guess.” I’ll admit, I wasn’t very pleased with the results. While I hadn’t really expected much out of this, I’d at least hoped I could use this time to come to a conclusion of some kind, but nothing seemed to make sense. While realistically I knew that Chitanda wouldn’t avoid me forever, I wasn’t sure how much more of it I could take.
“Ugh, now I’ve just remember that I was supposed to work on an essay tonight.”
“Why did you agree to help me if you had school work?”
“This seemed like more fun. Besides, I can get it done in no time.”
I kinda doubted that, but for his sake I hoped it was true. I felt a tiny bit bad for pulling him from his schoolwork for something that ended up being rather useless. Though he didn’t seem too bothered by it.
“Either way, I’m glad we could spend this time together.”
Those words made every part of me come to a screeching halt. Just like that the memory of that day came flooding back to me.
Chitanda kept her head down as she expressed her gratitude. She continued speaking, circling around the table to stand beside me.
“I’ve been having to think a lot about what I’m going to do with my future now. It’s been stressful, but knowing that you’ll be there to help me brings me a lot of comfort.”
Whether I said something to that or not, it didn’t seem to matter. She still refused to look at me as she spoke.
“I feel a bit ridiculous for being so rattled by this. After all, every teenager has to think about their future.”
I must have said something nice because she finally met my eyes and a soft smile graced her lips.
“Whatever I do in the future, Oreki, I hope we can still be together.”
Even thinking of those words now made my face feel warm. It became even warmer as Chitanda’s face inched closer and closer. Any protests or reservations I may have had died when I felt her lips against mine.
Chitanda had kissed me.
And my only response I had been to just sit there, dumbly.
“I’m a real idiot.”
I didn’t tell Satoshi exactly what I had remembered, only that I had remembered something incredibly important and that I needed to talk to Chitanda as soon as possible.
After promising I’d tell him later, he helped me come up with a plan so that I could get the chance to speak with her.
I spent the whole school day feeling restless. I’d hardly been able to sleep the night before, and having not skipped out on sleep in... I can’t remember how long, I was feeling tired. I could only seem to focus on what I was going to say to her, how I would explain myself. Classes seemed to go by in a blur and then the day was over and it was time to go to the club room.
When I got to the door of the geology lecture room, I realized my hands were shaking. I was working on pure nervous energy now and it was making me jittery. I steadied my hand on my chest and took a deep breath. Then I opened the door.
Chitanda startled as soon as she saw me. “Oreki!” She averted my gaze, speaking rapidly as she gathered her things, “I thought Satoshi told me to meet with him here, I must have been mistaken.”
She tried to push past me, but I blocked her exit. “Don’t mind me! I’ll be out of your way.”
“Chitanda.” When she heard me speak, her attempts to escape stopped. “I need to talk to you.”
Eyes still turned away, she gave a small nod and walked back to her seat. I followed behind her, but didn’t sit down.
It occurred to me then that I hadn’t actually decided on how to start this conversation. “So... about last week.”
“I’m so sorry, Oreki!” Chitanda whimpered, surprising me. “That was so stupid of me.”
“Hold on, I don’t think you’re the stupid one here.”
She finally looked up at me with wide, confused eyes. Was it possible to miss the color of someone’s eyes?
“What do you mean?”
Her question brought me out of my brief reverie. “I mean that the stupid one here is me.”
“But I was the one who—“
“You didn’t do anything wrong, Chitanda. I wasn’t upset or anything. Just surprised.”
She blinked slowly at me and her brows furrowed, looking like she was processing something incomprehensible. “You aren’t mad?”
“Of course not. I don’t think I can ever really be mad at you.”
Her face flushed at that and she went back to avoiding my gaze.
“I should’ve said something to you instead of letting you come to your own conclusions,” I continued, “that was stupid of me.”
“No, you’re not stupid, Oreki! I shouldn’t have surprised you like that.”
“It's okay, I didn’t mind... once I remembered.”
She looked confused again, “wha—“
“Can I tell you what I should’ve said in the moment?”
Chitanda’s mouth shut and she nodded.
I moved to kneel down in front of her. It felt strange to be in her personal space instead of the other way around, but she didn’t seem to mind it.
“What I should’ve said is... whatever happens in the future, I hope we can still be together, too.”
Chitanda’s face scrunches up and her eyes start to water. I worry that maybe that wasn’t the right thing to say, but those thoughts are banished when her hands cup my face and pull me toward her.
This time I don’t black out, this time I don’t respond like an idiot, this time I kiss her back.
We pull apart and Chitanda smiles a big smile. That alone was worth remembering.