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P.S.: I Love You
Sirius was pacing.
Usually, he was not a pacer. James was a pacer; always walking around while ranting about schoolwork, or complaining about Snivellus, or rambling about Evans, or Quidditch, or planning a prank, or– Well, point was, James liked to pace. Sirius Black was smoother than that: when something was bothering him, he brooded.
Except for this time. She was so bloody late, he couldn’t help but pace from one side of their new tiny living room to the other. It was ‘just a reconnaissance mission,’ she said. ‘It’ll be fine,’ she said. ‘Stop being a fucking idiot, Sirius,’ she said. He’d show her who was the fucking idiot when she came back. If she came back, whispered a traitorous little piece of his mind.
Fuck.
Sirius buried his hands in his hair, pulling at it and then pushing it away from his face. It was all Moody’s fault, saying their relationship was a liability, forbidding them from going out on missions together, – which was incredibly stupid, if he was being honest. Sirius and Marlene made up one of the best teams in the Order; especially now that James had stepped away from the front lines to take care of a very pregnant Lily.
Marlene had gone on a stakeout two days ago and was supposed to be back five hours ago. He glanced at the clock again and threw the nearest thing he could reach at it. Lucky for him, it was only a cushion. Marlene would be pissed if he broke the clock, not because she cared about the ugly thing, but because her mum did, and Sirius wasn’t about to piss off both McKinnon women.
Five hours and fifteen minutes ago, Marlene should have walked through the flat’s door with an annoyed groan, loudly complaining about how exhausted she was, and how Dung was a creep and tried to pick her up again. She would’ve kicked her boots off and left her cloak on the floor, then dragged her feet to the couch, where he would have been waiting for her, and she’d straddle him and tell him how much she missed him, then they would have a fantastic shag and go to bed.
None of that happened. The hour came and went, and Marlene was nowhere to be found.
Sirius had considered asking someone about the mission, but they had to be careful with communication these days, and he didn’t want to risk not being home when Marlene finally arrived.
He stopped before the couch and stared at the door, willing it to open it.
Nothing.
“Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck!” he yelled, and immediately regretted punching the wall when his hand exploded in pain. “Fuck!”
He was too busy cradling his bruised hand and swearing to himself to hear the key turning on the door.
“To be honest, I was hoping for a warmer welcome.”
Sirius turned around so fast he almost gave himself whiplash.
There she was, Marlene McKinnon, with dry blood on her face, ragged robes covered in soot and a bit singed, her blonde hair a mess of tangles around her face, and alive. She had never looked more beautiful.
“Hi, honey. I’m home,” she shot him a quick smile that didn’t reach her tear-filled eyes. His stomach dropped, something in his chest tightened and a knot formed on his throat.
Fuck, indeed.
“Marlene,” he had barely gotten the word out before he was rushing towards her, bruised – broken? Who the fuck cares, – hand forgotten as Sirius reached his arms around her to pull her close. He felt her arms go around his neck, a hand burying itself into his hair. He felt her press her face into his throat, and then the tears, closely followed by the sobs.
Oh, no.
Whatever happened, for Marlene to be crying like this… He didn’t even want to think about it, but it’s not like he could avoid it. They were at war, people died, but hearing her loud sobs broke something inside of him. He tightened his grip on her waist, pulling her closer and digging his fingers into her torn robes.
The clock chimed the hour, and somewhere in the back of his mind, he registered he had been waiting for her for five and a half hours. It was some of the worst hours of his life.
Finally, her sobs died down, and Marlene pulled back, wiping her cheeks with her sleeves and taking deep breaths. She didn’t look at him when he tried to meet her eyes, instead walking around him to kick off her boots and pull off the tie she had tangled in her hair.
She didn’t go far, just stood with her back to him where he had been pacing for the last hundreds of years, it felt like.
“Benjy Fenwick is dead,” Marlene said to the wall, shoulders slumped. Sirius’ chest hurt, and he realized his lungs were begging for breath, so he took one, then another, both shaky. “He saved my life, you know. Threw me out of the way, he didn’t see the other Death Eater. They, –” her breathing hitched, and he stepped closer, to do what he didn’t know. “There wasn’t… there’s wasn’t anything left.”
“Marlene,” Sirius said, taking another cautious step towards her, like approaching a wounded animal. “It wasn’t your fault.”
“I know,” she twirled around to look at him, hair whipping around her face. “I know it wasn’t, I know that… but Benjy,” she cut herself off, shaking her head at loss for words, tears running down her cheeks once more.
The same traitorous piece of his brain from before whispered that he should be jealous; after all, he knew Marlene had gone out with Benjy Fenwick back on their Fifth Year. He crushed that little thought viciously, there was no point being jealous of a dead man.
Fuck.
“Kitten,” Sirius called, voice low and gentle as he pulled her from wherever her mind had taken her. “What do you need?” He took her hand in his good one and noticed how much she was shaking.
Marlene’s eyes locked with his, and he could see her steel walls coming back up. Her tears stopped running and her hand took a firmer hold of his.
“We have a mole,” she said, out of bloody nowhere, and he had all of three seconds to be completely confused before she continued. “Inside the Order, someone is giving away information.”
“No, that can’t…” Sirius started to protest, but then stopped. It made sense; so many safe houses being found out, so many missions gone wrong… “Why do you say that?” he asked, because while it made sense, there was no bloody way anyone in the Order would dare to spy for Voldemort, especially not right under Dumbledore’s nose. Maybe someone was under the Imperius Curse.
“No one knew about this mission, Sirius! We were the only ones who knew; Moody, Dorcas, Dung, Remus, Peter, Benjy, and me… and Dumbledore, but that’s it,” Marlene exclaimed, moving away from his to pace between the coffee table and the couch. “We weren’t even going to approach, the goal was to stay hidden and watch, and then suddenly we’re surrounded!” she gestured with her hands, voice growing louder with agitation. “There’s no way they could have known, no way.” She was shaking her head, and Sirius didn’t know if she was trying to convince him or herself.
“Alright, I believe you,” he stepped closer to her, but Marlene backed away.
“No, you’re just saying that.”
“I’m not. I promise: I believe you.” Finally, Sirius approached her, holding on to her shoulders and locking her eyes with his. “I do, love, but you’re exhausted and,” she scoffed, trying to pull away, but he cradled her face in his hands. “We can talk about this tomorrow, properly. It’s late and we’ll get nothing done right now. Besides, you could really use a shower,” he said, quirking the corner of his lips in a small smile when she scoffed again, this time slightly amused. He’d take it.
Marlene nodded, letting him take her hand and guide her to the bathroom. With a flicker of his wand, Sirius turned the shower on and started to help her out of her clothes. Not exactly how he had imagined they would do this when she returned, but he should’ve honestly known better by now.
He watched as she stepped under the spray, then quickly got rid of his own clothes. Stepping in behind her, Sirius could feel her muscles starting to relax as she leaned against him. The hot water soon had the bathroom filled with steam as he carefully washed away the blood on her cheeks and forehead with a cloth.
The whole time, Marlene didn’t say anything, and Sirius had never seen her so quiet. Even when she was feeling down, like that one time in Seventh Year when he found her lying, drunk, in the middle of the Quidditch Pitch, she was always talking or making any other kind of irritated noises.
When he was done cleaning off the blood, and washing away the sweat and soot, she looked up and met his eyes. Marlene had always been beautiful, from the moment he met her, even if he didn’t exactly pay much mind to girls back then. The first time they shagged was branded into his very soul, the first time he had seen her, all of her, it had taken his breath away, then again every time since.
He remembered thinking when she arrived that she had never been more beautiful, but that was obviously a lie, he realized now. He couldn’t possibly choose just one moment. She was always gorgeous to him.
Marlene raised a hand to caress his cheek, and Sirius closed his eyes. A moment later, he felt her lips brushing against his, and he kissed her back. Something soft, and sweet, and so rare between them, that made it even more special when it happened. Neither deepened the kiss.
In silence, Sirius washed her hair, and she helped him wash his.
They stepped out of the shower, and he used his wand to dry their hair, while Marlene got the towels out of the cabinet. They dried themselves, and Sirius startled when she took the wand from his hand and waved it at the other one, fixing whatever damage he had caused himself. He took her hand and led the way to their tiny new bedroom.
After putting on some pants, Sirius lied down and watched as she finished getting ready for bed, before making her way towards him and cuddling close. With another wave of his wand, the lights turned off, and in the darkness, they held each other.
“Marley?” he whispered, half expecting she was already asleep, and half hoping she wasn’t.
“Yeah?” she whispered back, and Sirius turned on his side to face her, pulling her as close as he could manage.
“I was afraid I’d never see you again,” he admitted; it was somehow much easier to confess in the dark.
Marlene’s hand caressed his cheek, and she let her fingers run the contour of his jaw, eyebrows, nose and lips. She scooted closer, so her lips would brush his as she spoke, “I’m always coming back for you.”
He had known it for a long time, of course. He had never said it, but he knew that she knew it too. He had wanted to tell her, so many times, in so many different ways, but he had always been too much of a coward. What if she didn’t feel the same? But she was the one who said it first, so he knew that wasn’t the case. What if she got tired of him? What if their fights eventually led her away? What if she gave up on him? If anything, what she just promised him was proof enough of what she felt.
What if, what if. So much for a Gryffindor.
Marlene could have died, and he would never have told her. She knew, but that wasn’t the same. She deserved to hear it. She deserved to have him say it.
“I love you,” he said, almost inaudible. He felt her stop breathing, and he desperately wished he could see her face. After a long moment of silence, he said it again, just a bit louder. “I love you.”
She remembered that night when he didn't say it back, not because he didn't feel the same, but because he couldn't. She remembered thinking about how much it meant that she was important enough that he wouldn't just throw the words around, and how good that felt. This was ten times better. Her lips crashed into his before the last word was even entirely out, and Sirius responded in kind as Marlene tried to devour him. For a moment, he let her kiss him and kissed her back, hard, tongues meeting and breaths hitching before he slowed it down.
“I love you, too,” Marlene said, out of breath, moving to bury her face against his neck.
***
Outside their flat, there was a war raging. People were disappearing and dying left and right. Everywhere he looked, there was fear and misery.
Even if it was temporary, even though he knew that in the morning they would be off to the next battle; holding Marlene in his arms that night, loving her and feeling loved in return, Sirius had never felt more at peace.