Work Text:
GADGET
Look, I can't stand the idea of not being with you.
ZERO
Five minutes ago you could.
GADGET
No, but see- the lover always comes back. Ulysses. Tristan. Romeo.
ZERO
Listen, I'm home-schooled. What's your point?
GADGET
I'd rather die than live without you.
ESPIO appears, holding a bright red apple. ZERO takes it from him, and he walks away.
ZERO
OK. Prove it.
GADGET
What?
ZERO
Prove it.
(hands him the apple and picks up a bow, as music starts)
Here.
GADGET
Where'd you-
ZERO
Put this apple on your head and go stand against the tree.
GADGET
Wait, you're gonna-?
ZERO
Uh-huh.
GADGET
You're crazy.
ZERO
And you're not crazy enough. That's the problem.
Once, I was hopeful, thought we were one.
Life, less than perfect, finally begun.
But, now I wonder, are we undone?
I wanna treasure you in death as well as life,
I wanna cut you with my love and with my knife,
But can I live as your tormentor and your man
When I am crazier than you, I'm crazier than you, and nothing up til now has proved me wrong...
I'm crazier than you; that's just the overview
So get on board or simply move along
GADGET
I'm not impulsive...
ZERO
And yet, I truly love you.
GADGET
I'm not deranged.
ZERO
I'd never ask that of you.
GADGET
But in this moment, I feel I've changed.
I wanna climb Mt. Everest, go to Mozambique,
I wanna be impulsive, want to be unique
Can you believe I mean it when you hear me shriek?
(hands ZERO the apple)
I'm crazier than you
I'm crazier than you
And now I'll prove to you exactly how
I'm crazier than you
(blindfolds himself with a scarf)
I'll do what you can do
From here on in I give my solemn vow
ZERO hands him the apple, which GADGET puts on his head.
ZERO
Pluck the arrow from its quiver, hold it in your hand, be brave.
GADGET
Pierce the apple, not the liver, or we're dancing on my grave.
ZERO
Place it in the bow and steady-
GADGET
Can't you shoot that thing already?!
ZERO
I'm gonna demonstrate that fear is my ideal...
GADGET
(aside)
Boy, believe me, fear is your appeal.
ZERO
'Cause in the moment that you're frightened, your life is real...
GADGET
Then my life must be real real!
ZERO
And in a flash, when I release and seal the deal...
GADGET
And in a flash, when you release and seal the deal...
GADGET
(rips the blindfold off)
No, no, no, wait! OK, OK! You want crazy? Here's crazy.
GADGET ties the blindfold over ZERO's eyes instead.
ZERO
OK, now it's getting interesting. Aren't you afraid?
GADGET
(a tad manic)
No! You know why? Because I will guide the arrow! I'll guide it with my love!
ZERO
How does that work exactly?
GADGET
We're connected, see? We're destined to be together! So nothing bad can happen!
ZERO
Yeah, but what if I miss?
GADGET
Then you'll be the last thing I ever see.
ZERO
That is so hot.
GADGET runs to the tree and puts the apple on his head. ZERO aims blindly. SILVER and ESPIO sneak onto the scene.
GADGET
Ready!
ZERO fires the crossbow. SILVER uses his psychic powers to deflect the arrow straight through the apple. GADGET screams.
ZERO
Oh my god!
He tears the blindfold off to see GADGET, unharmed.
GADGET
Gotcha. Now will you marry me?
ZERO
Oh, yes, Magic. A thousand times yes.
GADGET
Gadget. Gadget.
ZERO
Gotcha!
He runs, as GADGET happily chases him off.