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Walk on the Beach
“Thank you for coming,” Kathryn said as she met Chakotay outside of holodeck two.
“I wasn’t sure what to wear.” He motioned to his open collared blue shirt and brown pants.
“You’re fine.” She straightened her blue dress and then keyed in the program she wanted. “We’re just going for a walk.”
“Where to?” When the holodeck doors opened, he saw that it was a sandy beach. “Nice.”
As they walked inside, she said, “I’ve always found the sound of the ocean soothing.”
“Is this somewhere you’ve been?” He followed her lead and toed off his shoes.
“No, just a generic sandy beach. Want to roll up your pant legs?”
“Good idea,” he replied as he kneeled in the soft sand.
“My hemline might get wet, but I don’t mind. This is the most comfortable outfit I have.”
“I always enjoy seeing you in that dress. Reminds me of you and your vegetable garden.”
She looked away with a sad sigh.
“Hey,” he said as he stood up and touched her cheek. “I didn’t mean to chase away your smile.”
Blushing a little, she replied, “You didn’t. It was just a reminder of a time when I was starting to let go.”
“Let go?” he probed.
“Relax. Acknowledge that I wasn’t in control.”
He took her hand and they started walking towards the water. “Are we ever truly in control?”
“I like to think so.” She gave him a side glance. “Except when my crew mutinies.”
“Yes, well,” he tugged on his ear. “That was meant to keep you safe, not take your control away.”
She squeezed his hand before replying, “I know. Thank you for that, by the way.”
Chakotay exhaled happily as the bubbly foam washed over their feet. “I love that feeling.”
“Feels pretty real, doesn’t it?” Kathryn let her toes sink into the wet sand. “You know, when you introduced me to my spirit guide, he or she was on a beach.”
“Oh?”
“I think it was a she.” Kathryn continued, “Lying on a rock next to the ocean. It was a beach that my family took a vacation to when I was little.”
“Where was it?”
“I think around the Carolinas. I was just seven or eight, so my memory is a little foggy.”
Chakotay said, “I have memories of a lake we’d often visit. We went there so many times that it’s difficult to recall how old I was on our first visit.”
“I feel that way about Lake George. We have a cabin there. Well, at least we did four years ago.”
“What’s your earliest memory?” he asked as they began walking.
“Of Lake George?”
“Of anything.”
“Hmm,” she thought. “I think it was playing with our dog, Willow, in the backyard.”
“What kind of dog was she?”
“Golden retriever.”
“Friendly, then?”
“Oh yes, she had such a kind spirit. Always knew when I was sad, just like someone else I know,” she said as she let her shoulder bump into Chakotay’s.
“When did you get Molly?”
“I miss her so much.” Kathryn closed her eyes. “I got her in ’69, so I had her for about two years before we left. I know it doesn’t make much sense to get a dog when you’re a Starfleet officer, but I was stationed on Earth and was only going out on month-long missions.”
“Was that how Voyager was to be deployed on a regular basis?”
“Yes, diplomatic and scientific missions, reporting back to Admiral Patterson. Probably some covert ops, too.”
“Like chasing after the Maquis?” he surmised with amusement.
“We were just looking for Tuvok. Catching you was a bonus.”
“You caught me all right,” he chuckled.
“Didn’t plan to have to go quite so far to get you, though.”
“I’m glad it was you, though.” He looked at her and then down at the water rushing over their feet. “I can’t imagine this trip back with anyone else, or even on my old ship. We wouldn’t have lasted more than a few weeks.”
She clicked her tongue. “You wouldn’t have had this trip back had it not been for me.”
“That’s a fair point.”
“It is?”
“You don’t want me agree with you?” he asked.
“You usually tell me that I made the right decision.”
“Yes, I do.”
Kathryn furrowed her forehead. “Changing tactics?”
“No,” he said casually. “It’s just that I don’t think I would’ve figured out how to find B’Elanna. I wouldn’t have left her out there but might’ve died trying to find her.”
“You wouldn’t have talked to Neelix?”
“I didn’t have your patience with him. I would’ve talked to him, but you’re more gracious about giving people a chance, seeing the good in them.”
“I don’t think that’s true,” she replied.
“You do, though.”
“Yes, but I’m referring to how you found your crew. Like B’Elanna, you saw the good in her.”
“It was more like I was rescuing people and putting them to work, if they wanted.”
She nodded but didn’t say anything as they walked on.
Chakotay stopped when he saw a seashell and bent over to pick it up. “This is pretty.”
“Let’s see,” she said as she looked at the pink fan-shaped shell in his hand. “I think that’s called a calico, but I’m not sure.”
“I’d save it if it weren’t holographic.” He took a step away from Kathryn and threw the shell as far out as he could, but it plonked into the water relatively close to them.
Kathryn picked up another shell and tried the same, sending her shell much further.
“Show off,” he muttered.
“Well, try it again.”
He picked up another, dusted the sand off, and gave a good wind-up before lobbing it into the air. This time, the shell went much further than even Kathryn’s had. “That’s better.”
Kathryn reached for his hand again and they kept walking for a bit, enjoying the sound of the ocean waves. Eventually, she said, “So, after yesterday’s mutiny…”
“It wasn’t a mutiny,” he noted quietly.
“The Doctor told me to come see him.”
“Mmmhmm.”
“You knew?”
“He asked if I thought he should call you in.”
“And did you?” she asked.
“…thought it might be good to check you over. See how your neurotransmitters were doing.”
“Hmm.”
“I’m not sorry that I agreed with him.”
“I understand. I don’t like feeling this way – it’s embarrassing.”
“Would you be embarrassed if you had heart disease?”
“If it was because of poor diet.”
“You know what I mean,” he prodded.
She was quiet for a moment as they walked on. “He found a significant drop in serotonin levels.”
“And?”
“Have you received a report from him?”
Chakotay shook his head. “No, I assume there’s more or you wouldn’t be evading the issue.”
“He wants to add a psychology sub-routine so he can counsel me.”
“How do you feel about that?”
She let go of his hand and crossed her arms to hug herself. “Seems nonsensical.”
“In a way, it is. A hologram who struggles with what it means to be human, helping a human struggling with the same.”
Frowning, she asked, “You think I’m struggling with what it means to be human?”
“I do.”
“How’d you get that?”
“You’re trying to be super-human.”
“So, I should shrug off the guilt I feel for stranding us out here?”
“Yes.”
She glanced at him. “Just yes?”
“Just yes. When you’re wrapped up in your self-penance, you’re missing the joy of the journey.”
“You believe I’m punishing myself, yet I believe I’m punishing the rest of you for my decisions.”
“Yes, that is true.”
“That wasn’t a yes or no statement.”
He kicked at the waves a little as they walked. “Yes, I believe you’re punishing yourself. Yes, I believe you think this journey is a punishment for the rest of us. I’m not saying it is, I’m saying you believe it is.”
“The last five, six, months have been really rough.”
“Yes, they have.”
“We’ve been hunted, used and abused, were almost dead in space, accused of genocide, and then had to deal with that void area for months on end.”
“Hey,” he said as he paused and turned to look at her. “We’ve come through all of it just fine and we’re here now.”
She looked at the sky, trying to fight her emotions. After taking a steadying breath, Kathryn asked, “What got us through it all? I don’t think it was me.”
“Creativity, science, diplomacy, tactics, keeping our eyes and ears open, compassion…”
She looked out toward the horizon where the ocean met the sky. “The rest of the crew seems to come to you for counseling.”
“Some do, yes.”
“I don’t.”
“Don’t you?” he asked. “Seems like you’re talking to me right now.”
“Yes, but a captain shouldn’t admit to her first officer that she’s floundering.”
“I’m not just your first officer, Kathryn.”
She squeezed his fingers. “I know.”
“You seek Tuvok’s advice as well.”
“Tuvok doesn’t appreciate my emotions,” she replied.
“But he understands why it’s important for humans to feel them.”
“Yes, but I feel like he offers mere platitudes.”
“Such as?” he encouraged.
Kathryn put on a serious air as she said, “You should not feel afraid to experience human emotions. Guilt is your constant companion – let it go.”
“He has a point, in both regards.”
She rolled her eyes. “While I love talking to you, there are some things that I just shouldn’t tell you, or Tuvok, or even the Doctor.”
“Why?”
“You’d want to take my command.”
He stopped her and insisted, “Never, Kathryn.”
“But…”
“Never.” Chakotay looked deep into her eyes. “That’s a line I will not cross, and you need not fear it.”
“You can’t be afraid to cross it. That’s your duty.”
“I’m not afraid, Kathryn, but there are ways to help you without taking your command.”
Her jaw shook as she tried to look him in the eye. “Is that what you’re doing right now?”
“Yes,” he said simply.
She tried to reply but couldn’t swallow past the thickness in her throat.
“Kathryn, nothing you say is going to compromise your command.”
“It might,” she said as she looked up at the simulated clouds.
“Try me,” he dared.
A tear falling, she shook her head. “I was ready to give up.”
“I know you were,” he said as he wiped her tear away.
“I still want to,” she admitted.
“Come here,” he said as he drew her into his arms.
Kathryn relaxed against him, relishing the hug. The warmth and safety of the embrace allowed her to let go a little, and she let more tears fall.
“Let it out, Kathryn. I’m here,” he soothed as he rocked them slowly, rubbing her back and whispering, “You’re going to get through this.”
“I lost my determination.”
“I know you did.” He hugged her tighter and kissed the side of her head. “Let me help you find it again?”
“This…” she shuddered in his arms. “I don’t know how.”
“I don’t think there’s an easy fix, Kathryn. There’s just one day at a time.”
She stayed in his arms a few minutes more, accepting his comfort and strength. Her voice unbelievably small, she asked, “You’ll help me?”
“Absolutely.” He squeezed her hard and then pulled back to look at her. Taking her face in his hands, he promised, “Every day, every moment. Lean on me as much as you need.”
“Thank you,” she said with a sniff.
“Some days will be easier than others, but we’re in this together. You and me, and this whole crew.”
“I know.”
Chakotay tilted his head as he said, “You’ve been my strength when I felt like giving up, too, you know?”
“When have you ever felt like giving up?”
He dropped his hands to her shoulders and looked out at the ocean. “I was really close to throwing in the towel when we were pulled out here. Before we were taken to the array, I was just numb.”
“I understand.”
“We didn’t get the farm and the sweet corn treatment that you did.”
“What did you get?” she asked. “I can’t believe I’ve never asked you this.”
“It was a fiesta, a celebration of something although I had no idea what. Reminded me of the holidays with my mother’s family. Lots of food, lots of drink, dancing, singing.”
“You didn’t like that?”
“Like you, I knew it was fake, and the very last thing I felt like doing in that moment was having a tamale and a cerveza.”
“So how did I help?”
He gave a single laugh and took a deep breath. “Once we rescued B’Elanna and Harry, and I was back on my ship, I had a moment of realization that you were the real deal.”
Her eyebrows furrowed. “The real deal?”
“Your strength, your compassion, diplomacy… you reminded me of all the things that I joined Starfleet for in the first place. You were a breath of fresh air when I felt smothered. You see, just before we entered the badlands, we were so close to being destroyed. I thought for a moment that it wouldn’t be the worst thing.”
“I know that feeling.”
He nodded. “You gave me a reason to keep going.”
With a wry smile, she suggested, “You just like my ship better.”
He laughed and drew his hands down her arms to hold her fingers. “She’s a wonderful ship, but that’s not what I’m talking about.”
They started walking again, slower this time, their toes playing with the frothy bubbles of water as they strolled.
“In the beginning of our journey…”
“Sounds like you’re about to quote philosophy.”
“No, nothing that deep, I can assure you.” He glanced at her with a grin before continuing. “I thought of us as two captains coming together, and I felt like I finally had someone to share the burden.”
“Has it not continued to feel that way?”
“Sharing the burden, yes, but I’ve felt less like a captain, though.”
“I’m sorry,” she said.
“I don’t mean to imply that’s a bad thing. When it’s crunch time, there’s really only one person who should be making decisions.”
“True.”
“But at the same time, I believe we work well in tandem. Your diplomatic skills and scientific knowledge…”
“And your strategic thinking and battle plans…”
“Mmhmm,” he said. “You see the best in everyone and have the utmost trust in your people.”
“And you keep us organized and efficient.”
“What I’m trying to say is that if it helps, think of us as two captains who have united to create one command team.”
“I do, Chakotay. We’re definitely a team.”
“So, give me some of your burdens. I can train others to keep us organized and efficient so that I can give you more of my time.”
Hesitantly, she said, “I don’t think it’s your time that I need.”
“What do you need, then?”
She stared at the ocean as they strolled along, trying to find the words. “When the Doctor decided to become a psychologist, he guessed at what might be upsetting me.”
“And?”
“Of course, I didn’t tell him that I felt like giving up. Last thing I need is for him to put me under the microscope if I admitted something like that.”
“What did he think it was?”
“You.”
“Me?”
She glanced at him and then back out at the waves rolling in. “My feelings for you, Chakotay.”
“Your feelings for me?”
“The Doctor isn’t completely wrong. Even I can admit they’re part of the problem, and I need to get past them, but it’s so damned hard.”
He stopped her again. “What feelings? Our friendship?”
“More than that. Romantic feelings.” Wiping away the moisture that had just appeared in her eyes, she replied, “I’ve dreaded telling you because I don’t want the illusion to end. My imagination is my coping mechanism, but the more I let myself think about it, the more miserable I feel. This is what the Doctor told me to do. To tell you how I feel to get it out in the open so I can move on past the emptiness.”
He blew out a slow, steady breath as he took in what she was saying.
“I’m a big girl, Chakotay. I can take it, even if I don’t want to.”
“What do you want me to say?” he asked hesitantly.
“The truth,” she said as she looked him in the eye. “Tell me you don’t feel for me that way. Tell me that I’m like a sister to you. Tell me that you love having me as a friend. I need to face reality so I can let go and find a new coping mechanism.”
“If you want the truth,” his voice shook. “I can’t tell you any of those things.”
“You can’t?”
He shook his head. “If you need me to pretend, though…”
“I don’t want you to pretend.”
“You’re sure?” He stepped close and took her hands.
“I’m so tired of pretending.”
Chakotay gently drew her close until she settled her hands on his hips. He pressed his fingers to her face and held it as he leaned in to kiss her.
With a gasp, she accepted the kiss and returned it with intensity.
When they came up for air, they hugged tightly and swayed together in the breeze.
“Kathryn, I’m in love with you.”
Her tears dampened her shirt. “Why didn’t you tell me?”
“I thought I did.”
“I mean before now.”
He drew away so he could look her in the eye. “I thought I did.”
“How? When?”
“In everything I do, every time I look at you, I try to convey what I’m feeling. Holding your hand, hugging you? Spending our evenings together…”
She shook her head. “You told me we had plenty of time to figure it out, and then nothing. I know it’s been a rough few months...”
“I thought you didn’t want to hear it.”
Her head leaned to one side as she mused, “You know, for two people who do a hell of a good job commanding a ship together, we’re really bad at communicating.”
He laughed and pulled her into a hug again. “Considering all that we’ve been dealing with since you got that letter from Mark, it’s not too surprising.”
Kathryn squeezed him tighter. “Can we do this? You and I?”
“Absolutely. Will it be challenging? Yes, but it will be worth it. I promise.”
“How do we do this?” she looked up at him. “Take it slow? Jump right into it?”
He stroked his fingers down the side of her face. “What has your imagination come up with?”
“Every possible scenario, I can assure you.”
“Come on,” he said as he turned them to walk back, his arm around her.
“You know, this is the holodeck. We can just call for an exit.”
“I know, but I think we’re both looking a little blotchy and could use some time before we walk back to your quarters.”
“My quarters? I’ve spent enough time in my quarters lately.”
“But you have a bathtub.”
“True,” she said as she snuggled into his side. After a moment she called out, “Computer, begin a sunset.”
They received a chirp in reply as they quietly kept walking, each lost in their thoughts, glancing at each other every so often and smiling.
As the sun began to set, Chakotay said, “I don’t think this is the Carolinas.”
“Why?”
He pointed to the sun setting over the water. “If this is Earth, that’s west.”
“True, but when I mentioned the Carolinas, it was the beach where my spirit guide was. Not here.”
“That’s right.” He squeezed her to his side and kissed the top of her head.
After a few more steps, she asked, “Do we let the crew know about this?”
“I don’t think we need to make a formal announcement or anything, unless we make this formal.”
“Is that something you want?” she asked.
“To make this formal?”
“Mmhmm.”
“Are you afraid to say the word?”
“A little. Not that I’m superstitious or anything.”
“Twenty minutes ago, we didn’t even realize we were in love.”
“I know, but now my thoughts are going at warp 9.9.”
He stopped her and called out, “Computer, give us a beach blanket, two square meters.”
The requested blanket appeared and Chakotay said, “Have a seat.”
“Okay,” she hesitated but followed instructions.
Stretching out beside her, he said, “Tell me about your imagination.”
Kathryn smiled as she leaned down to kiss him. “Usually starts something like this.”
*****
A couple hours later, Kathryn woke to the sound of the ocean and saw the starlight overhead. Her lips tingled from their heavy make-out session and she felt giddy like she hadn’t since her first kiss a couple decades prior.
She turned to see Chakotay dozing beside her and wondered what time it was. Deciding that she didn’t care and whoever had the holodeck reserved next would let them know, she rolled to her side to cuddle up next to him.
He woke and asked, “Kathryn?”
“Shhh,” she said as she laid on his outstretched arm and curled into his side. “I guess no one had the holodeck reserved after us. Let’s just lie here until someone kicks us out.”
“’kay,” he replied sleepily.
“Computer?” Kathryn asked. “Add a light blanket over us and give us two pillows.”
They settled in with their new comforts and Kathryn felt a wave of peace settle over her. A warmth she hadn’t felt in a long, long time. It was more comfortable than the cotton dress she wore. Kathryn knew coming back from her latest bout of depression would take some work but lying in Chakotay’s arms assured her that she had a partner now. A partner in command, in life, and in love.
*****
Tom Paris, Harry Kim, and a few others stood outside holodeck two, annoyed that whoever was using had run over their time limit.
Tom tapped his combadge. “Computer, who’s in holodeck two?”
“Captain Janeway and Commander Chakotay are in holodeck two.”
“Oh,” Tom said as he looked at the program that was running and looked at their lifesigns to see they were sleeping on a blanket on a beach after sunset.
Jenny asked, “What are they running? Maybe we could join them?”
Tom shook his head and offered, “How about we go play cards in the messhall instead?”
Harry looked over Tom’s shoulder and saw what he was looking at. “Yeah, I think you’re right, Tom.”
Tom poked in a few commands to secure the program until mid-morning and send messages to the next few who had reservations that their command team needed the use of it.
“What are you doing?” Harry asked.
“Making sure they won’t be interrupted. They need this.” He patted the bulkhead and happily said, “That’ll do.”