Work Text:
We don't speak of names and faces
Why should we?
We don't speak of husbands or homes
Or work or wives and happy lives
Sebastian steps out of his office building, trying to decide what the rest of his night will be. The sky is already dark and snow is lightly falling, nothing too bad to walk in, but he still pulls out his gloves and hat, giving him a bit more time to think. He knows he should head home, get out of this cold and have a calm night, but by the time he’s done putting everything on, his feet have already started moving in the opposite direction of his apartment. Not that he's really surprised, despite what he tries to tell himself he already knows he won’t resist the chance of seeing him again tonight, no matter how hollow he knows he’ll when he’s back at home.
All we've got are lips on faces
Moving flawlessly
Holding secrets in our clothes
As he walks down the street, tightening his coat around himself, he thinks about what they're doing. Being with Blaine is just as amazing as he always thought it would be, the attraction between them only intensified by the circumstances, knowing any night might be their last together, trying to fit all the past years of longing and the future years of regret into the few moments they share. Keeping all the things neither of them is brave enough to say deep beneath the surface. It's just enough for him to keep hanging on to.
On the nights I catch you standing
Are you waiting for me?
At the counter of this bar Speakeasy, hole in the wall
When he reaches the bar, Sebastian steps into the room, brushing off the snow from his coat, and finally looks up. He’s never sure what he’s hoping to see when he does, part of him hoping Blaine will be there, another part thinking it would be easier for him to find it empty. Either way, that’s a question for another day, because Blaine is here today, tucked into their usual spot, already nursing his regular drink.
We minuet to cigarette and brandy
Your favorite armagnac
Prohibition but there's no harm
Sebastian knows why the only place they find each other is here, that without the alcohol and the dim lighting and the austere atmosphere this place always carries, Blaine could never go through with what they're doing. Yet they both manage to find their way back, time and again, since the first night they ran into each other here. They do the same dance each time. Have a few drinks, have a few dances, head outside to the alley for a smoke, until he finds himself pressed up against a wall, Blaine finally giving into the tension that sits between them all night. They don’t talk much, all that needs to be said he can find in the way Blaine looks at him. Hunger and desperation, but always with that hint of sadness, of emptiness in his eyes. That’s the part Sebastian can never forget when he leaves.
But when you strike your goodbye pose
Everybody knows, everybody knows
The party, well, it goes too
And damn it all, darling
The party goes with you
From the moment Sebastian met Blaine, he became the person his eyes always followed in any room he was in.The way people gravitate around him, his presence drawing them in. And it wasn’t just him, he had seen it in the way the Warblers looked at him, even the McKinley kids, who had their heads up their asses most of the time, had recognized it. It had intrigued him at the time, led to his fixation on him for nearly a year. Now, he still couldn’t let go of it, couldn’t bring himself to miss any opportunity to be around him, he would take whatever piece of himself Blaine was willing to give.
..And I'm left with all the messes
Cleaning up for vows in gold
Our fraught affair turned solitaire
Wishing to take back
Merely one of my yeses
Aching to be yours
And have my story all retold
He leans back against the wall, letting the cold air sting his face, Blaine already long gone. He should be used to this, but part of him never really gets over watching him walk away, the way he closes himself up, puts back on the mask he wears so well. Sometimes he thinks about all the ways things could have been different between them. Maybe if they had met differently, or he had tried harder to make himself an option to Blaine, at all the times he had the chance. He doesn’t allow himself to think that maybe none of it would have mattered anyways, that maybe Blaine would never have wanted more from him in any universe. He pulls himself together, and begins the walk home.
And when we're dancing nose to nose
Darling do you suppose, oh, darling do you suppose
This party could be just us two,
He knows that Blaine can tell, can see it in his eyes sometimes, how much he wants this to be real. He tries his best to hide it, but it slips through sometimes when Blaine laughs the way he does after missing a step while dancing, or in the moment just before they first kiss every night, where for a second he can imagine he see it in Blaine's eyes too, before the thoughts are wiped out of his head by the way Blaine starts moving against him fast. And if he feels Blaine hold him just a bit tighter when it happens, well, he doesn’t let himself think about that too much.
Oh, oh, the gayest party, sad but true It's true
The party goes with you
He never used to be this pathetic. Never gave this much of himself to someone who didn’t want him. Never gave this much of himself to anyone at all. But no matter what he tries, he can’t deny that it never feels the same anymore when Blaine isn’t around. So he contents himself with the moments he has, no matter how fleeting.
The life of the party
In the party of my life
He twists his key in the door of his apartment, sinking to the floor against the door as soon as he’s inside. He tells himself this is the last time he’ll do this, resolves himself to be different in the morning. He eventually gets himself up, throws off his clothes, and falls into bed. As he starts to drift off, he thinks of Blaine’s eyes, trying to bring up the brightness they used to have, so open and giving, that he never quite reaches anymore. He tries to imagine seeing something more in them, something for him. He’s asleep before he realizes he can’t.