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“You need better technique if you want to stay in the team,” The coach said, looking through his glasses at Yang Yixuan who was panting, still tired from the hard training.
“I know, but I promise I will practice more.” Yang Yixuan, in fact, had never practiced fencing before, he had fought bare handed and even tried boxing, but this was different . This was not a question of muscles, it was a combination of strategy, speed, and well, some brute force. And he could become better but it was not easy balancing studying and practising. It’s not like he was dumb, he was just easily distracted and he needed more time to study than most people, but he didn’t apply for this university for studying anyways. In fact, he had chosen this university only because of the fencing team, he didn’t care much about other things.
“If you’re not willing to train more, maybe this is not for you.” The class was long over but the coach had called Yixuan to talk about his place on the team, and of course he had agreed to stay after class. He was new at Bai Zhan University and a new addition to the team so the coach was not yet sure of his potential.
“I am willing and I will practice really really hard. I just need someone who can give me a hand with my technique. I can be very good!” Yixuan was sure. He could be very good, he was determined to be very good.
He was not brilliant or a prodigy but if one had to say his main virtue, it would be determination. If he wanted something, he would fight and practice and have it. And he wanted to be good at fencing, but the tests and assignments were in his way, so he had to get through those first. He wanted to keep his place on the team, what was he if he was not fighting?
“Maybe the captain can help you,” he said, unsure. “Do you perhaps know Liu Qingge?”
Of course he knew who Liu Qingge was. Not only one of the most popular people on campus but also a beast at fencing. He had won several national competitions while also maintaining one of the highest scores on all his tests, a genius, a prodigy. He was so good that he never trained with the team, not like he needed it since he had his time alone in the gymnasium. But he was not only smart and good at sports, he was also gorgeous. The kind that looked like an immortal, the kind of face that stopped you in your tracks, like an elegant young prince’s face, but he looked so cold and aloof that you wouldn’t even dare to disturb him. And he was like that, blunt and arrogant. His Weibo posts had hundreds of likes and many girls (and some boys) who were his fans had approached him, but he never said yes. He didn’t even accept the many gifts he received or the letters from secret admirers. It was like people did not deserve to even look at him.
And Yixuan agreed, he really was too beautiful for people to look at.
“Yes sir, but I never talked to him. He really is cool while fighting! I wish I was like him because he is also good at studying.” Yang Yixuan ranted about him until the coach looked up with a face that read “Please stop”.
Yixuan maybe, just maybe had the biggest crush on Liu Qingge. He personally thought Liu Qingge was a walking piece of art. He had watched him in the fencing championship before getting into university and he had been astonished, every movement he made was packed with grace and elegance, but they were precise and violent at the same time. He could land every hit on his opponent while holding the sabre with such delicacy. Even his false attacks to make his rivals attack him were beautiful, he was so fast he could make the other fencer jump in surprise. It made Yixuan’s eyes twinkle, amazed with the way Liu Qingge fought. It moved something deep inside him. He wanted to do that too, to feel the uncertainty of where the rival was going to attack, he wanted to strike a point that was so fast that people couldn’t see his weapon. He wanted the fast actions, the light touches, his skin burning with excitement and the thrill of waiting for the referee to start the match. He craved the feeling of victory , the one that makes you feel like you can conquer the world.
Respect, awe, admiration.
That was what Liu Qingge made him feel.
Watching the way he moved ignited something indescribable in Yang Yixuan’s heart.
But it was not only the desire to fight.
They also had broadcasted when Liu Qingge took off the mask fencers used to protect their heads and neck, revealing one of the most, if not the most , stunning face Yixuan had ever seen. He didn’t even know men could be so pretty until he saw him. He didn’t even know he liked men until he saw him. For a few moments he was taken aback, hypnotised.
And in that moment he decided that he had to meet him, someday.
But it wasn't like he got into the Bai Zhan University just to be on the same team, oh no, not at all.
“Don’t worry, give me your number and I’ll send it to him. He’s exigent, even worse than me, so be prepared.”
Yixuan swallowed down the lump in his throat, he couldn’t tell if he was more nervous because Liu Qingge was going to have his number or because he would be training with him, or maybe both. It was a dream, his dream, he wanted this since the moment he met Liu Qingge’s eyes on the screen, but he was not on his level. Yang Yixuan was not even close to being on his level.
“Yes, that’s- perfect, great!” Yixuan doubted if he sounded too excited, either way, he gave his number to the coach, but before he could keep talking (Yixuan loved talking) the coach had disappeared, so he went back to his dorm.
He pushed through into the dormitory, found his room and slammed the doors closed. For a moment, he pressed his forehead to the door, taking deep breaths as he revelled in the relative quiet of the room.
He had finally processed the words of the coach. Not only did he have to work on his technique to remain on the team, but also, his teacher was going to be Liu Qingge. He went through the conversation with the coach again in his head. He had given him his number, which meant that he would give Qingge his number, his number . Not only that, but he would also write him a message, he was going to receive a message from his biggest crush, his gay awakening, and just the most beautiful person he had ever looked at.
Yang Yixuan’s breath was stuck in his throat.
What did I get myself into?
He was dying because Qingge would have to watch him use the epée without any technique at all. But even if he fought poorly, he would actually meet Qingge, which was good and nice and made his brain feel dizzy and excited. Yixuan’s mind was falling apart, he was freaking out and it had been less than half an hour since he had that conversation with the coach.
A combination of euphoria and worry filled his chest.
He tried to calm down, taking deep breaths and trying not to think too much about it. To Qingge, he was just someone from the team who needed some help, so it wasn’t that big of a deal.
He decided to study for the test he had in a week, if he had to spend all day in the gymnasium he had to at least be sure he wouldn't fail too terribly in other subjects. So he sat down at his little desk and started to study, trying not to think about it, which was really challenging. He tried, he really tried to keep that thought away, but the image of Qingge’s face kept appearing in his mind. Well, not only his face.
And it wasn’t an unpleasant thought at all. Not at all. But his ears were getting red just from thinking about having that pretty man in front of him, correcting his posture, touching him.
Stop, he told himself. He couldn’t have these thoughts, not now. But it wasn't like his own brain listened to him anyway. He thought about his hands, would the warmth of his hands spread through to his skin even if he had the protector jacket on? Would his skin be as soft as it looked in his Weibo selfies? Would he wear the mask? He really hoped he wouldn’t, because he wanted to see his grey eyes and his high nose bridge, but if he didn’t wear it, he would notice the look of desire in Yixuan’s eyes and that wouldn’t be good.
Thinking about his senior and him… in such ways… Improper! Shameless! How outrageous!
But he won’t - he can’t - stop thinking about his fierce face or his soft lips or how those lips would part if Yang Yixuan kissed them, at first he would gasp from indignation or maybe from surprise. He wondered how Liu Qingge’s face would look when he blushed. Yang Yixuan would kiss his ears, then his collarbone - or maybe even lower and -
God, just stop. He couldn’t believe that his head was getting so worked up just about training with someone. It was not just someone but still, he had to stop or he would get a boner while fighting which would only make things even more awkward.
Since he couldn’t even study, the images that flashed in front of his eyes being too much for him, he should at least sleep so he could get up early and study in the morning. So that’s what he did, not without checking if Qingge had sent him a message. But he dispersed that thought very fast, it had only been two hours since he talked with the coach.
He closed his eyes, this time he was lying in bed, slowly breathing in and out while trying to think of anything aside from Liu Qingge.
It didn't work as effectively as he had hoped.
∘₊✧──────✧₊∘
This wasn't happening. This was not happening to him. Not now. Yixuan hadn't just woken up from a sex dream, moaning Liu Qingge's name out loud with a throbbing boner between his legs.
Thank God he had a room of his own.
To let those thoughts in the back of his head run free, it was dangerous and embarrassing. They were supposed to stay there, buried deep.
But it seems like his subconscious was not cooperating with him.
Yang Yixuan groaned and turned on his stomach, pulling a pillow over his head. He would just spend the rest of his life in this position and never look up again, he would never be able to watch Qingge’s face, neither on television nor in real life. Not even considering that he had to practice with him. He wanted the earth to engulf him whole, right there.
But his thoughts were interrupted by the “ping” of a new message on his phone. He got up from bed and decided to take a cold shower before even reading the message.
So that’s what he did, trying to let the water wash away everything but appropriate and nice thoughts about the captain of the fencing team. Just nice, good and very innocent thoughts!
He turned on the dial, cold and metallic, releasing thousands of lukewarm drops, darkening his hair and trickling down his back, calming down his feelings. Yixuan’s mind swirled and it felt like he was standing under an everlasting waterfall, but he knew he had to get out of there sometime, he had to confront his feelings.
But thinking about the state he woke up in… Maybe it would be better if he changed his number, bought a new phone, and got away from the fencing team as fast as he could. Or maybe he could buy a plane ticket to somewhere far, far away from China, and live there forever. Or he could...
Or maybe he could just try to act like he didn't have the most gigantic crush on Liu Qingge and just go and behave like a normal teammate.
After the shower was finished and he had slumped into the messy bed again, he laid there trying to calm himself. When the hotness in his body had cooled down enough, he finally searched for the phone on his desk and looked at the message. A new number had texted him.
From: New Number
Hello. I’m Liu Qingge. Coach said you need better technique. Tomorrow at 5 in the gymnasium?
Sent: Today, 7:31 AM
Of course it was going to be short and neat, nothing to get excited about. But still, finding his crush had sent him a message was still a shock for Yixuan. He had to read it again before he could type something that made sense. He added it into contacts. He finally decided to just put his name and a little heart which was better than his other ideas, such as Prettiest man on earth or Leader of my heart, it would have been very embarrassing if someone noticed he added a contact with those names. He checked the message and wrote a response;
Hi senior! I’ve been your greatest admirer since you competed against that other fencer Shen Qingqiu? Shen Jiu? I don’t remember his name but you were amazing and I’ve liked you since then…. anyways I’m excited to meet you ( ˘ ³˘)♥
He stared at it for minutes before deciding to delete it all, wasn’t it too much? He didn’t want to scare him before they even met. Yixuan typed a new message, one without excessive emojis, that didn’t use all 300 characters.
To: Liu Qingge <3
Hi senior, 5 is okay for me. Thank you for helping me! ♥’
Sent: Today, 8:11 AM
And he hit send. His hands were sweating and he wasn't really trembling but he was very close. He did just send a message to Liu Qingge, the same Liu Qingge he dreamed about, and he did not die.
He felt proud of himself! He just had to calm down and wait until tomorrow at 5.
Wait. He really was going to meet Liu Qingge, tomorrow.
And then his mind was in shambles again.
∘₊✧──────✧₊∘
Yixuan pinched the bridge of his nose in an effort to release some of the stress and anxiety building throughout his body. This, of course, did not work, and only made his temples throb even harder. Yesterday he had attended all his classes, and when he returned to his room he finally calmed down enough to study properly, but he found that he did not sleep very well because the meeting with Liu Qingge was getting closer and closer. And also because he did not want to have one of those dreams again. Not again.
He still had time to take a shower and relax before the meeting, so that’s what he did, taking his time to wash and dry his hair. He even considered putting on cologne but he decided against it in the end.
Thank God that he would be wearing fencing equipment so he did not have to think about what to wear, it would have taken him too much time and stress.
His fencing equipment was a light green, distinctive from the usual white of his teammates. The jacket was form-fitting, heavy to deflect the frequent hits he received when he trained. He wore the socks that went up to the knee, and the flat shoes. He did not put on the mask since it was uncomfortable, he carried it in his hand while walking towards the meeting point.
It was both a curse and a blessing that he was already wearing the gloves. A curse because his hands had already become sweaty while waiting for Qingge, and a blessing because Qingge would not have to directly touch his skin, which would send shivers down every part of Yixuan’s body.
He did not have to wait much since Liu Qingge was already in the gymnasium when he arrived.
He was dressed in a light blue long-sleeve shirt, tight black pants, and he was just sitting down with a notepad on his lap. He seemed to have just gotten out of class since he had a backpack near him and Yixuan could see the pen smudges on his fingers. Did he get out of class… for me? Yixuan thought. That couldn't be, Liu Qingge had perfect attendance, unless…
“Yang Yixuan, isn't it?” Liu Qingge asked, his eyes fixed on the boy who had just arrived.
“Yes, that’s me. I’m Yang Yixuan. Nice to meet you, Senior.” He only had a tiny moment to process what Qingge had asked him before answering, his husky voice had taken him out of the trance of watching him there, just a few meters between them.
Liu Qingge had long pitch-black hair tied into a high ponytail, and it seemed he had braids too but Yixuan’s eyes were fixed on his face. God, his face. Beautiful didn't quite do him justice.
His eyes were slightly narrowed, a hue so softly grey that they could have been pencil drawn, framed with long curved lashes. Yixuan could get lost in them and wouldn’t even try to save himself. A blade nose and high cheekbones. His skin looked like it was carved on cold marble and just under his right eye there was a little black mole. Yixuan would have given his soul to kiss it.
And when Yixuan thought that he couldn’t be prettier, his gaze landed upon Qingge’s lips. They had a slightly pink tint, could it be that he was wearing lip balm? he thought. If he was, then Yixuan really, really, really wanted to know the flavour. He couldn’t help but bite his lips.
“I just got out from class. Wait a minute.” Qingge got up from where he was sitting, and without looking back he went to the changing rooms to put on his equipment. Yixuan couldn’t help himself and thought that Qingge was probably naked and not too far away from him but before he could blush at that, Qingge was back.
He’d checked out men before, watched the way they walked past him, in awe as he focused on the way men’s hips swayed. But even if he was just walking towards him, Qingge was really a work of art. Every step he took, no matter how soft or hard, was covered with elegance, movement so fluid water would be jealous, and he was just walking! He would end up in ashes when he saw him fighting. He had such a nice figure, not too thin and not that bulky either, the perfect balance between slim and muscular.
Yixuan felt that he was strong enough that he could trap Qingge against the wall as they kissed until air ran out of their lungs. He also felt that his hands would fit perfectly on his petite waist.
“What are you looking at? Get on your mark,” Qingge instructed him, ignoring the way Yixuan was looking at him in awe. Yixuan nodded in response.
Concentrate.
Concentrate, Yixuan thought while getting into the starting position and putting on his mask. He took a deep breath, gripped the hilt of the practice épée tightly, and rushed towards Qingge.
Using an epée is like a game of chess. On top of the more complex rules, it also requires extremely quick reflexes and decision-making, which Yixuan lacked. Yixuan had the brute force but not the reflexes.
When your rival is approaching you, you have just a matter of milliseconds to decide what to do, to weigh up your options and choose. Just one instant to decide, should I retreat? Should I attack? That was the most exciting part for Yang Yixuan, and also the hardest.
The adrenaline hit Yang Yixuan like a rush. When he fought he felt bigger than ever, but at the same time, more exposed. Even more exposed now that his opponent was Liu Qingge. He tried to shove Qingge’s blade away the second it touched his, pressing against it with his full body weight.
Qingge chuckled, he did a little swoop underneath, knocking Yixuan off balance and making him fall into the ground. His epée touched the chest of the fallen boy beneath him. In one second, the fight was over.
Usually when the bell sounded to open each round, the gym filled with the sound of weapons clashing and the thud of feet hitting the ground. When the bell sounded again because someone scored a point, there would be a minute of relative peace, of victory for the winner, and anxiety for the loser. And then came the referee again, starting another round that launched the two rivals back into the combat.
But now, it was so fast.
“Y- you’re really fast, Senior,” Yixuan muttered under his breath. In less than a minute he had fallen into the ground, his ears burning in embarrassment, and he was thankful he hadn’t taken his mask off.
“I am. But fencing isn’t about brute strength.” He pressed the blade closer to Yixuan’s face. “Fencing is about dancing around like a mosquito on crack, trying to poke your opponent without getting poked yourself.”
If Yang Yixuan hadn’t been so concentrated on Liu Qingge’s face, he would have laughed.
Liu Qingge extended his hands, lifting Yixuan off the floor. He didn’t have to tell him to get into his marks again.
Yixuan's hands were too clammy, far too clammy. He drew a breath and composed himself, eager to try again. He wanted to show he was capable, he wanted to make Liu Qingge feel proud of him.
It was almost like a dance, the back and forth. The noises of their epées colliding. There was a rhythm to it all, with the lunging and parrying. Their blades meet and part and meet again, the light reflecting off them created bright flashes in the empty gymnasium.
Yang Yixuan thrusted his blade, extending his front leg and using a slight kicking motion, propelling his body forward with his back leg. Liu Qingge retreated, moving his epée in a circle to catch Yixuan’s tip and deflect his blade away.
Yixuan could feel the epée, heavy in his hand. He was grabbing it so strongly that Qingge couldn’t snatch it away. He could feel the ache in his wrist and also in a sharp line down his arm from shoulder to elbow. But he had no intention of complaining.
"Good," Qingge praised, and drew back. This time his blade flicked out toward Yixuan’s shoulder, and he batted it away. "Better," he said again, and his rival made another thrust for his heart.
They fell into an easy rhythm of attack and parry, blade ringing on blade. Yixuan knew Liu Qingge was not giving him his all, he would have lost many, many times if he were.
Qingge grinned, not like Yixuan would notice since he couldn't see his face, and attacked him in the shoulder. Yixuan blocked it but Qingge was too fast. Using that as a distraction, he attacked his thigh and the other boy was too slow to block it.
“Stop," he said before Yixuan could get into his marks again. He took off his mask and Yixuan imitated the action.
Liu Qingge looked unaffected, like this was just a warm up exercise for him, while Yang Yixuan already had drops of sweat on his temples.
"When your rival has just blocked a move, they're vulnerable. You should never waste that opportunity.” He demonstrated the movement he just made with Yixuan in the air, like he was fighting with an invisible rival. His epée moved so fast that Yixuan could hardly see it. Qingge moved smoothly, his arm and blade one long elegant line. His long ponytail swayed with every step he took.
“You’re amazing, Senior.” Yixuan muttered, and he meant it. He never knew he wanted to learn how to fight until he saw Qingge fighting. The way he had just spoken so passionately about fencing made him seem a lot friendlier than the man Yixuan had seen on the TV, fighting non stop.
He got into his marks again, and slowly put on his mask, but he was interrupted by Qingge’s voice. “You don’t have to put it on, I won’t attack your face.” Even before moving rapidly and fighting without stopping, he didn't even show a sign of being tired.
“I won’t attack your face either, Senior, you’re-” Yixuan was almost going to say too pretty, so I would kill myself if I hurt it but he stopped. “- you’ll surely block it anyways.” He let out a little false laugh while wondering if his senior noticed the sudden stop.
He got into his starting position but Liu Qingge frowned and walked over, putting his hands on the younger boy's waist. “You need to sink lower into it.”
“Is this better?” Yixuan asked, flexing his knees lower. His voice didn't really express how nervous he was, how overwhelmed he felt due to Liu Qingge’s touch. Even when the jacket was thick, he could swear he felt Qingge’s hands on his flesh, even if they were only there for seconds.
Before Yixuan could overthink it, Qingge was ready to start again.
Back and forth, lunging, parrying, retreating, and starting again and again. Qingge tapped the younger boy's shoulder with his epée as he took a step too close. “You’re not concentrating.”
Of course I’m not! The only line of defense I had against you was the mask, and you’re not even wearing it, and I have to see the sweat traveling down your neck and I want to lick it clean. I can see the pulse beating in your throat, just beneath your amazingly perfect skin, and I’m making the biggest effort not to wonder how it would feel to brush my fingers there, or my lips. I am really, really trying not to get a boner right now, Yixuan thought
“I’m sorry. I will try harder.” Yixuan was almost panting, but he didn’t want to let it show. He wanted to continue. Not only because he wanted to be better and stay on the team, but also because he never wanted to stop practicing with Qingge. He felt alive while fencing, the adrenaline running through his veins and making him feel like one of those warriors from the xianxia novels he used to read when he was younger.
“You’re grabbing the epée wrong.” Qingge corrected him, coming up behind him and putting his hand over Yixuan’s hands. Even through their gloves, Yixuan got chills down his spine. He really was touching Liu Qingge’s hands.
He wondered how those hands would feel on his own neck if he kissed him, but he quickly deleted that thought from his mind. He was already too embarrassed, he didn't want to also get a boner. How would he explain that?
He already knew that the chances of them dating or even meeting outside of fencing practice were slim to none, so he pushed down the disappointment and all the silly ideas and scenarios his mind was making about them.
“I had never practiced fencing before this, I’m sorry for using your time, Senior. I’m trying my best to do better. I’m just-” Yixuan quickly tried to explain, but when he looked back at Qingge, their gazes met for a moment, locked, and he suddenly found that talking was too hard. The younger’s eyes were scanning his pretty features, his eyes narrowing when he looked at Qingge's mouth.
He is beautiful, aloof, cold, and demanding but at the same time he cares for his teammates, why would he get out of class if he didn’t? I want to see those soft lips cry out my name. Yixuan had to stop there. He knew his ears were red because he could feel them tingling. Liu Qingge’s face was just a few inches away from his. He was close enough to see Yixuan’s eyes widen.
Liu Qingge finally retreated his hand, he could see the faint blush that travelled down Yixuan’s face to his neck and probably even lower, but that was covered by the fencing jacket. He didn’t think much about it. They had been training for quite a while anyways, it made sense, but his heart was beating faster and he could feel it thumping in his ears. He couldn’t find a reason why.
“The greatest key to learning swordplay is courage.” Qingge straightened his back, still intrigued by his fast beating heart and the warm feeling spreading over his body. He walked towards his starting point while talking. “Not the courage to risk taking a blow. Not the courage to strike another person. The most important thing you can have is the courage to accept that you are going to absolutely suck at it when you first start, like you at this moment.”
Qingge knew he was being too exigent. To be fair, he thought that Yixuan had at least taken one class before getting onto the team, but it seemed it was just talent. He needed to polish it. “The fact that you were even willing to pick up a sword is a good start.”
This time, when they fought Qingge attacked more fiercely. He attacked Yixuan while also retreating from the younger’s attack. He scored against Yixuan’s arm, but even when he won (again) he could feel Yixuan becoming more aware of the tactics he used, the time it took him to think about what to do next was getting shorter, his defense was getting stronger.
So Yixuan was smarter next time they started fighting, taking advantage of the extreme flexibility of the epée, he used it like a whip, bending the blade so that it curved over, and striking Qingge with the point of the blade on his wrist.
And then, Qingge laughed. It echoed in the empty gymnasium. He had a laugh like glass shattering, it was brief and sudden, but also kind of sweet. “You won.”
Yixuan was amazed. He couldn’t believe he just heard him laugh and he was the one causing his laughter. He wanted to hear it again, to make him laugh harder, to win again and make him snort and just see him smile. For a moment, he didn’t know what to say. He swore everything he knew about fencing had just gone out the window. He could feel the way his heart was beating fast, even faster than when they were fighting, seeing a soft side to him for the first time that evening. It made Yang Yixuan’s heart tingle.
“I like yo-” He almost just confessed, still numb because of the laugh that was still ringing in his ears. “Your way of teaching, Senior.”
“In your marks,” Qingge answered. He felt that Yang Yixuan’s reaction had been strangely sweet, he saw his blush darkening, was it really just from fighting? He narrowed his eyes looking directly at the boy not far away from him. It was a look with which he could make people scatter like pigeons from a fifty yard distance, but Yixuan didn’t get scared, he smiled and prepared himself to fight again. There’s definitely something wrong with this boy, Qingge thought.
While fighting, Liu Qingge had all the beauty and grace of a panther - lithe and elegant but also lethal. And yet he has all the delicacy and frailty of a hummingbird, and also their speed. The line of his body was fascinatingly fluid but the way he fought was brutal, never letting his rival breathe, always attacking his weak points. Yang Yixuan knew this because he had watched all the recordings of his matches, he knew Liu Qingge’s style. And he tried to copy it, modeling himself after him.
He did not have the smooth and dainty movements of Liu Qingge, but he tried.
This time, when they fought it was a new rhythm. Attack, parry, riposte, parry. Back and forth. But unexpectedly, when their epées clashed again, Qingge didn’t retreat, he blocked, making their blades form an X. And he stepped towards Yixuan.
They were inches away, again. The only thing between them was their blades. Both their arms were getting tired but neither of them retreated. Qingge’s gaze was intense when it enveloped the younger’s body; he couldn't help it. And then Yixuan’s boot slipped, only slightly, but Qingge, steadied him with a quick arm at his waist. Having Yixuan pressed against him was a shock to his senses. He held the position, although his shoulder ached and he knew that this was not how fencing works. They were so close Qingge could smell Yixuan’s aftershave mixed with his natural scent.
It was only a few moments, but it was enough to tilt his world on its axis. He didn't pace, didn’t huff, Yixuan was pretty sure he didn't even blink.
Inside Liu Qingge’s mind, an alarm was ringing. His heart was hammering in his chest, thudding loudly in his ears.
"Good," Qingge said, appearing unaffected, and drew back. "I should go," he said, looking at the changing room doors behind him.
“Thank you,” Yixuan steadied himself. He breathes and reorganizes his thoughts before continuing, “for taking your time to help me. It helped me a lot, Senior, I’ve always admired you.”
Liu Qingge was not really surprised, he had heard the same words of admiration coming from other fencers, but the sincerity in Yixuan’s voice was real. But he had business to do.
“You need to practice more.” He crossed the room with a swish of white. And Yixuan was left alone with his thoughts once more.
They had been so close, it would have taken just a small movement to make their mouths meet. It would have been so easy to grab the collar of the fencing jacket and just kiss him, on the mouth, his cheeks, his throat. He would leave marks, even more if they didn't have the equipment on. But the most shocking part was that Qingge could have made Yixuan fall, just like he had done when their blades met for the first time. He could have retreated, or he could have used his speed to make a point on Yixuan, but he didn’t. He didn’t.
And it was a silly thing, maybe Qingge wanted to see what Yixuan would do, maybe he had other strategies in mind. Even if that was the case, why did he step towards Yixuan? Why did he stay there for such a long moment? So the younger couldn’t help but think, what if he did it to make our gazes meet again? What if...
But Qingge had already come back from the changing rooms, wearing the same clothes from before. He turned to gather up his equipment and leave. He still wasn’t sure of what had happened, still unsure of why he held his breath or why his heart felt like that.
“Senior, are we going to practice again? I still have a lot to learn, but if Senior has exams and other things to do, I can find another partner to practice with. I will understand, don’t worry.”
“Thursday, here at the same hour. Is that okay?” Qingge said, answering Yixuan’s doubts. He did have things to do, exams to study for and other things to solve, but it had been an interesting practice. He usually didn’t do this, and when the coach told him this kid had talent, he didn’t believe him at first. But it was true. And there was also something about the way Yixuan looked at him that he couldn’t really decipher - was it only admiration?
Even if he had things to do, he made a space in his agenda to discover what the matter was with this kid. He had an idea in his mind about what that feeling was, but he hadn’t confirmed it yet. He wouldn’t say he was afraid, that would make him a coward and he is not a coward under any circumstances, but he felt nervous, nervous about the way Yixuan had acted, but also about the way he had acted.
“Yes Senior, thanks again! You are the coolest. I really wish someday I can fence just like you.” And the way Yixuan smiled broadly, showing his teeth, gave Liu Qingge all the answers he needed. A warm feeling, long forgotten and buried deep, spreading out from his chest again, the same feeling he had when he held Yixuan’s body with his arms.
Surprisingly, even though he had never had a good experience with that feeling, this time wasn't disgusted or sad, he didn't feel anything bad at all. at all. He even felt happy about it. Even when his heart had suffered long ago over the same thing. Even when he knew that liking someone meant being vulnerable and he hated being vulnerable. But...
On his way out he shot Yixuan an enigmatic grin. “Next time, don’t be a coward and ask me out.”