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soojin feels like breaking down, her heart cracking into small pieces, too hard to pick up again. her cool facade gone, she feels like shutting everyone up. this is new to them, no one has seen this side of her before. she doesn't show emotions, that isn't her- it can't be her, then why is this happening? why is she on the brink of running away; away from everyone, away from the hustle, away from the damn feelings she's been trying to hide. why does the lyrics affect her that much? it's just a song she needs to sing, why is she struggling? why are her eyes getting watery? why is her nose getting runny? and most importantly, why does she feel like the song is talking to her?
am i allowed to look at her like that?
could it be wrong
when she's just so nice to look at?
it feels so wrong, but yet so right. looking at her member, why does she have to be in love? why did she have to fall in love? she's so attractive, god, it makes her feel things, every fucking time. but why? why does she cry thinking about her, why does she cry herself to sleep every time she ignores her? why? why is she looking at a person, who wouldn't even look at her back?
and she smells like lemongrass and sleep
she tastes like apple juice and peach
oh, you would find her in a Polaroid picture
and she...
means everything to me
she scans the lyrics, processing every word. line by line, it feels like the lyrics are made just for her. the memories they shared, it rushed inside her head. slightly smiling, she reminisces every moment they shared. the cuddles they did, the constant skinship they showed, the sweet sweet words the other uttered to her. she knew it's just service, she knew it's just empty words. she captures every moment perfectly, sticking it onto her wall, their polaroid pictures scattered on her then-blank wall. she smells perfect; peaches and cream. her favorite food and sweet, isn't that ironic?
oh, oh
i'd never tell
no, i'd never say a word
and oh, it aches
but it feels oddly good to hurt
she's a coward, the biggest of them all. keeping it to herself, it hurts, she knows, but being rejected, that hurts more. she'd rather keep it to herself, than risk the little quote-on-quote relationship they have. she'd never say a word, all her sentences stuck in her throat, not wanting to be pushed out. she's comfortable for now, she likes the flow of everything. she needs to be strong, not to be a fucking weakling. confessing? not so much. she knows she'll just chicken out, then why even try?
and i'll be okay
admiring from afar
'cause even when she's next to me
we could not be more far apart
she'll be okay, she hopes she will be. even though she's admiring silently, she knows it's better than nothing. even though she's always cuddling up to her, she still feels empty. something is missing; reassurance? maybe. there's something missing. a puzzle only her can finish, but without her, everything's incomplete, messy.
she doesn't realize that her tears are already falling, wetting the paper she's holding. the other members looked at each other, weary of the situation. is soojin unnie okay? she doesn't hear a thing, her focus on the paper she's holding. soyeon furrow her eyebrows, why is the girl crying? it's just a song.
"oh my god," minnie whispers, watching her member break down in front of her. "she's actually crying!" yuqi shouts, earning a slap on the back by soyeon, "keep it down." soyeon whisper-shouts, covering yuqi's mouth from blabbering any more words.
shuhua keeps mum, staring at soojin with no emotions plastered on her face. why is soojin crying? did the song affect her that much? miyeon rolls her eyes, crouching down in front of soojin, taking the paper that's full of tears away from soojin's hold. soojin gets out of her trance, blinking her eyes. "unnie?" miyeon softly smiles at her, "are you okay, jin?" soojin feels her cheeks wet, furrowing her eyebrows, she lifts her hand to wipe it away, only to feel more dropping.
"why am i crying?" she whispers. miyeon held her hand, wiping away soojin's tears using the sleeve of her jacket, "don't cry, soojin-ah." miyeon's soft voice rings in soojin's ears, "it's just a song." it's just a song. a fucking song.
"then... why does it hurt?" she croaks out, shuhua looking away. "everyone has reasons," miyeon softly glides her thumb over soojin's cheek. she looks behind her, seeing shuhua staring at nowhere. she smiles sadly, looking back at soojin. "it's her, isn't it?" soojin nods, closing her eyes, letting the remaining tears fall. "it fucking hurts like shit." soojin swallows the lump in her throat, "i feel like my heart is broken into small pieces, so refined, it's hard to fix." she explains.
"talk to her," miyeon advices, "everything will be better, trust me." she softly sighs, standing up. "we'll leave." miyeon eyes the other members. they understand, grabbing their things, they left. miyeon was the last to exit the door, giving soojin a knowing look. shuhua was about to stand up, but miyeon slammed the door on her, hearing the handle lock, she groans.
"i guess you're stuck here with me." soojin jokes. shuhua sits back down, looking at soojin, alternating from her fingers to soojin's face. the silence was enveloping them, like a black vail, really heavy and dark. shuhua shuffles at the awkward silence, so she decided to start a conversation.
"jinjin," there it is, the damned nickname, "why were you crying?"
"i'm hurt, shuhua." soojin smiles, "it fucking hurts," she whispers, "it hurts everywhere." shuhua looks at her worriedly, "are you injured? we can go to the doctor." shuhua stands up, grabbing soojin's wrist, hoping that they can go visit the doctor.
"no one can fix it." soojin says, pulling shuhua down. shuhua stumbles a little, dropping on soojin's lap. she shrieks, feeling her bottom land on soojin's thighs. she was about to stand up, when, "stay." soojin whispers, wrapping her slender arms around shuhua's small waist.
"you're injured."
"my heart hurts," soojin looks at her, "and i'm afraid you're the only one who can fix it." shuhua doesn't register what soojin said, letting herself be wrapped in soojin's embrace. what she doesn't expect was the next words soojin uttered, though.
"i love you," soojin says in a small voice, "and i fell in love with you." she adds, "but you don't look at me the same, so just let me hold you close." soojin buries her head on shuhua's shoulder. shuhua's heart skips a beat, her face reddening.
"unnie, look at me." she lifts soojin's face up, staring at her dead in the eye. "i'm just gonna do this once, so don't make me do it again." soojin stares at her confusedly, "wha-"
shuhua pulls soojin's face closer, holding her by the chin. she softly presses her lips on hers, urging a small gasp out of soojin. it was a soft kiss, just their lips pressed together. soojin closes her eyes, savoring the moment.
shuhua pulls away, "who said i don't look at you the same way too?"