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Sirius had woken with Marlene’s screams echoing around the inside of his skull. It was his usual nightmare. He’d not been there the night that she’d been killed so his sleeping mind had taken to playing out a multitude of possibilities, each more horrific than the last. He badly wanted a drink, but after Lily had seen the state of him, he’d promised her no more. It was already four in the afternoon, he’d slept most of the day away. It had been a late one last night, he’d not returned until the early hours of the morning, he’d been tailing Bella. That was what this was…it wasn’t that he didn’t want to be awake, he’d just been tired.
He didn’t want to be awake. He didn’t want to be asleep either. He didn’t want anything anymore…
Everyday he told himself that today would be the day he returned to the flat. And everyday he backed down like a coward. He’d been at Grimmauld Place for months now, he’d never in his wildest dreams imagined that this house of horrors would be preferable, but the idea of walking around the home he had shared with Marlene was unbearable. The bed was probably still a mess from the quickie they’d had that afternoon. Her lipstick stained mug was probably still in the sink.
No. Returning to their home would destroy him…and there wasn’t enough left of him to survive it.
An unease settled in him as he walked aimlessly through the halls of Grimmauld Place, still unsure what to do with himself. An unease quite unrelated to Marlene — though as each minute dragged on, he felt as though he could feel her, standing just out of sight. Why had he promised Lily to lay off the booze? — Sirius crept past his mothers portrait and went down to the kitchen, though the unease was crushing his appetite. He supposed he could visit Moony. It was too late in the day really to visit Lily and James. They’d be annoyed if he got Harry all excited before bed. Wasn’t that the godfather’s prerogative though? Wind the child up and then give him back to his parents just in time for them to not be able to put him to bed without tantrums.
“Shoo.” He muttered to Kreacher and the elf gave a sarcastic bow and left the room — probably to go and complain once more to the portrait about his return. He didn’t want to be here…he just didn’t know where else to go. He was pretending that it was fine, when Prongs or Moony or Wormtail asked. That he didn’t mind being here alone, his parents were dead now. But he did mind. He hated this house…maybe if Marlene had lived they could have done something with it, maybe even made it a home if she’d really wanted it. She’d had the incredible ability of lighting up any room just with her smile.
“I’ll spend the rest of my life here if I can have her back.” He bargained to no one in particular. There was no response but the aching silence.
He was just so tired. And it wasn’t the kind of tired sleep could fix.
Something was wrong, he could feel it in his bones. He raked a hand through his hair and looked around the kitchen. Marlene had never felt closer, it was like she was trying to warn him about something, as though she was standing just behind him, but every time he looked over his shoulder she wasn’t there. Of course she wasn’t, “she’s dead” he told himself firmly.
Peter had seemed so off yesterday. Nervous, jumpy. More so than usual. But it was better this way. No one in their right mind would think that Lily and James would have made Peter their secret keeper. It was a stroke of genius, even if he did say so himself. The assumption would be Sirius, and Voldemort could do what ever he liked to him and he couldn’t reveal where they were…not that he would even if he could.
Even so, Peter had seemed so off. He should check on him again.
“I’m going out.” He told Kreacher. Sirius pulled on his jacket and grabbed the keys to his bike from the hallway side table. Out in the dark street he kicked it into life and shot off in the direction of Wormtail’s hiding place. He’d moved him down to London, he wanted him closer, to keep an eye on him. It wasn’t much, a ground floor bedsit. He pulled up outside and walked around the side of the building. It was dark in Peter’s place. Sirius’s unease increased, he was supposed to be here, he was supposed to let him know if he planned to go anywhere. The kitchen window was open slightly, and he pushed it the rest of the way.
“Pete!” He called. Nothing. He wouldn’t fit through as a man, so he turned into the dog and jumped through. It took him no time at all to know that Peter was gone. Something was wrong. He’d not been forced out, everything was tidy. He’d cleared out his stuff. Sirius turned back into himself and let himself out of the front door. Peter had just got scared and moved, that was all. He’d just got scared, and he scared so easily. He took off on his bike, it was dark enough to fly it to Godric’s Hollow. He had to check that Lily and James were okay. Fear was bubbling up so thick and fast that it was getting hard to squash it back down.
They were fine. He’d get there and they’d laugh at him for overreacting. Call him a worrier and have him put Harry to bed while he whined and cried that he wanted to play with the dog.
They were fine.
Even as he told himself this, fear clawed at his insides, choking him, making it hard to breath. He urged his bike faster, it protested slightly at the speed. It was bitter cold up in the air. He should have apparated, he hated the sensation, but he should have apparated.
He spotted their house as he started to descend. It was a miracle he didn’t crash.
No.
It was destroyed, the once quaint and pretty cottage was barely recognisable. Sirius staggered off his bike and gripped hold of their garden gate. He knew what he was going to find inside, it was like finding the McKinnons all over again. The front door was splintered.
No. No. No.
He could see James’s bare foot. He was in the hallway, just as Nicole had been, James’s little Nik Nak…had they both known what was awaiting them moments before it happened, or had it been a shock?
Peter had sold them out.
Sirius stumbled forwards and fell to his knees at James’s side. “James.” He groaned, gripping the front of his shirt. Not again, he couldn’t do this again. His first friend. His best friend. How was he supposed to…
He was in the doorway. He’d tried to buy Lily some time to escape, he knew it. James would trade his life for Lily and Harry without even a second's thought. Sirius straightened James’s glasses and kissed his cheek. At least he’d be back with Marley…he’d not been the same since she’d—
“Tell her I…” He started to whisper but he couldn’t bring himself to finish.
Lily and Harry.
The house was too quiet, and Sirius’s heart plummeted another thousand feet. He couldn’t face it, he couldn’t go up there. If they’d not escaped, if they were…
And then he heard Harry cry. The most beautiful sound he’d ever heard. Harry was alive. Sirius bolted up the stairs. Harry’s bedroom door was open, the room was a mess but Harry was stood up in his crib, clutching the bars. Alive. At the sight of Sirius his crying stopped.
Sirius registered Lily on the floor in front of Harry’s crib and his heart shattered — what was left of it. She’d tried to shield him. Brave and wonderful Lily. Hot tears spilled from his eyes. He picked Harry up and held him close, breathing him in. He was fine, he was perfect — except for the cut on his head — but he was okay.
“I’ve got you.” He whispered against his hair, sinking to the floor. “Sirius is here now, and I’ll never leave you.” He promised, cupping the back of his head. He hoped that he would never remember any of this. He was young, he shouldn’t do.
“I’ll keep him safe, Lily.” He murmured, reaching over to brush the hair off of her face. He hugged Harry tighter to him. “It’s going to be okay. I’ll take you home…get that horrible cut cleaned up.” Sirius didn’t know how Harry had survived but right now he didn’t care. He was alive and that was all that mattered. “It’s you and me now kid.” He could take care of him, he could raise him. He was going to give him the best life he could, and when he got a little older he’d tell him all about his parents, about how brilliant and brave they were. How deeply they had loved him.
They’d be just fine as long as they had each other.
“I just need to put you down so I can pack some things for you.” He whispered. Though he didn’t move. He wasn’t ready to put him down yet. After a few moments, though, it registered how exposed they were here, how unsafe. He set Harry back in the crib, his arms feeling painfully empty, and took a bag from the wardrobe…starting to fill it with anything Harry might need.
Sirius heard movement downstairs and drew his wand. Heart pounding he stood in front of the crib, blocking Harry from view. Had Voldemort come back to try again? One of his Death Eaters.
“Hagrid?” Sirius asked, though it was a silly question. Hagrid was unmistakable. Hagrid’s face was red with tears of his own. He seemed unable to speak. He pushed himself into the room and gripped Sirius’s shoulder. Sirius felt himself crumble. The weight of the evening, the loss of Lily and James, Peter’s betrayal, hit him. He started to sob.
“I know.” Hagrid said quietly, holding onto him as he cried. Sirius pushed away and returned to Harry’s bag.
“I’ve got to get him out of here.” He said wiping his face on his sleeve. “In case they come back.” He turned and Hagrid had picked Harry up. He was shaking his head. “Give him to me, Hagrid.” Sirius said quietly. “I’m his godfather, give him to me. I’ll take good care of him.” Hagrid was still shaking his head.
“Dumbledore is takin’ him to live with his Aunt and Uncle.”
Sirius stared at him, hardly able to believe what he’d just heard. Harry live with Lily’s bitch of a sister and her awful husband? “No.”
Lily and James weren’t even cold yet and what they wanted for their son was already being ignored. It wasn't right.
“Dumbledore’s orders.” Hagrid said simply. Sirius felt the floor disappear from beneath him. He stood no chance against Dumbledore.
He had lost everything. Marlene, James, Lily. Now, Harry.
“Please, don’t do this.” Sirius begged. “Please, just tell him that we were already gone. Tell him that you couldn’t find us. Please, Hagrid.” But it was no use, Hagrid would never lie to Dumbledore. Sirius closed the distance between them and kissed Harry’s head. “I’ll see you again.” He whispered, knowing this probably wasn’t true. “Take my bike, I won’t need it now.” Sirius muttered, finding himself unable to look at Hagrid.
“I’m sorry.” Hagrid said. Sirius didn’t respond. He couldn’t take his eyes off of Lily. She never would have wanted this. She had chosen Sirius, before Harry had even been born, they had chosen Sirius and Marlene to be his godparents. It was supposed to be him.
Maybe it was better this way. The eight Gryffindors were falling like dominos. First Marley, then Dorcas. James, then Lily. Peter would be next, as soon as he got his hands on him.
Then, how long did he have left… He’d lost everything.
He wanted to die.
It took Sirius hardly anytime to find Peter. The idiot had gone back to his mother’s. He was just walking along the high street. Plain as day, did he want Sirius to find him? Maybe the traitorous bastard had some sort of death wish.
“Hello Wormtail.” He said quietly. Blood was roaring in his ears. He wanted to kill him. He was ready to kill him. There was a small part of his mind that was trying to convince him to drag him to the Ministry. That part was getting louder and louder. He could take him in…make Dumbledore see reason about Harry. Dumbledore could be reasoned with.
“Sirius!” Peter squeaked, backing away as Sirius advanced.
“What did you do, Pete?” He asked, amazed at how calm his voice sounded. He didn’t feel calm. His heart was ready to explode with rage.
“Lily and James, Sirius! How could you?” Peter cried. Sirius stared at him, as did everyone else in the street. How could he? How could he?
What the fuck was the little rat talking about?
The explosion that ripped through the street forced Sirius back against the wall behind him, his head throbbing where it made contact with the bricks. His ears were ringing and it took a minute to open his eyes. The dust settled and Peter was gone. The bodies of the Muggles who’d been closest to them scattered around.
Sirius laughed. There was nothing funny about this, and yet…
Now that he’d started he couldn’t stop, it was a truly horrible, maniacal sound. Well played, Peter.
He had lost everything.