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Albrecht rubbed his hands together eagerly. The rubber gloves squeaked as he did so, which a part of his brain wondered if it would ruin the moment. No, it shouldn't. Still, it was time to get on with it. "Ladies and gentlemen, thank you for coming today to my demonstration!"
"You kidnapped two-thirds of this room," a bored woman's voice said from the crowd.
"Don't start with me now, Dezzie, this is important!" the wizard snapped. He gestured at the electrical apparatus around him and the corpse lying on the table connected to wires. "I'm about to prove my theory on necromantic resurrection, I won't have you ruining it."
The alchemist Dezzie looked around the dimly lit chamber at the other two people in attendance. "I'm just saying, I think they'd be more impressed if they weren't terrified. And gagged. And tied to the chairs. Is this an ego thing? I think this is an ego thing."
"Moving on!" Albrecht said, ignoring the woman he shared a business space with. It was hard to find a proper laboratory in Helter these days, and the best he'd managed was a crazy alchemist who spent at least a third of her time heckling him instead of anything useful. "Where was I?" he muttered.
"Notecards in front of you, Albrecht," Dezzie called.
"Oh. Right. Thank you. Ahem. So, as we all know, necromancy is a time tested flop. It doesn't work well, and when it does work, the damn things aren't good for much. The table the body lays on before the ritual tends to be more useful. *I* intend to prove that the problem isn't necromancy, but the process!"
Dezzie held up a hand. Albrecht stopped and stared at her. If he ever figured out how to light someone on fire with his eyes alone instead of a full spell, it would be because of her. "Yes, what is it?"
"So you're saying the problem with raising the dead is not, in fact, that you're raising the dead."
"Right!"
"Just checking. Cause that sounds like crazy talk."
"We've talked about using that word," Albrecht said sternly. "That is a very hurtful word. You know I prefer being called mad."
The alchemist shrugged. "I'm just saying as a friend, this seems like one of those intervention moments you told me you needed every now and again."
"Can I move along with the demonstration?"
Dezzie waved her hand indulgently. "Carry on."
"Thank you. Now, rather than merely using a magical ritual and the apparatus that is involved, I have decided to bring things into the modern century. Skulls, blood candles, mirrors of obsidian. Pish-tosh. All a waste of time. Although," he said hurriedly when Dezzie opened her mouth, "I will admit that they add a certain ambiance, hence why they're in here. No, I feel that the modern wizard needs to take into account *science*! And I don't mean potions, I mean real science. Like lightning! And copper wiring! So, in the culmination of six months of work-"
"Wait, you spent six months on this? No wonder you haven't been able to afford your half of the rent."
"After six months of work," he continued loudly. "I have managed to finish my process. With the assistance of magic and science, the usefulness of necromancy will finally be found, and it will revolutionize the industry!"
"What industry?"
Albrecht blinked. "I'm sorry, what now?"
"You said 'the industry'. What industry?"
"Everything!"
Dezzie gave him a look over her glasses. He hated that look. "Right."
"Now, behold as I throw the switch and prove that raising the dead is no longer the province of mere gods, but of men!" Albrecht reached over and pulled the switch dramatically. He decided that indulging in cackling was required for the moment. And then paused mid-laugh to stare at the switch. Nothing happened.
"Behold!" he cried, pulling it open and closed again. He glared at the device. "Behold? Alright, what's gone wrong this time."
"Forget something?"
"No, of course not, someone must have sabotaged the experiment. Give me a minute." Albrecht flipped the switch open and started following the trail of copper wires. There were several hundred feet of them. Nothing seemed wrong...
"I think that audience member two has a question for you," Dezzie called.
"What?!"
Dezzie pulled the gag off the man's mouth and gave him an encouraging smile. He swallowed and gestured with his head at the bottle above all the machines. "Um. You said lightning, right?"
"Of course lightning! It's vitally important to the thaumaturgic engines! It- oh." Albrecht stared at the empty bottle that should have been swimming with magical power. "Right. Um. Thank you, audience member two."
"You're welcome. Could I go home now?"
"No, no. This won't take but a moment." Albrecht climbed on top of the machines and pressed his hand against the bottle. He started muttering a spell and then gave a shout of joy as the bottle filled- or perhaps a shout of pain as he was thrown across the room by the discharge. He shook his head and body and waited for the world to stop spinning, then walked back to the switch. "Alright, try number two!"
"Five."
"Details!" He threw the switch and stared at the whole process. He'd be able to cackle next time, practical was more important now. Sadly. Magical energy discharged through the copper wiring, filling the corpse with energy and power. After a few moments, the whole assembly glowed brighter and brighter- and then the world went black.
"Was it supposed to do that?" Dezzie asked.
"Yes, of course it was. That was, um. The body drawing in all available power to start its inevitable rise to useful animation!" He snapped his fingers and the blood candles in the room relit with a simple spell. He stared at the corpse, willing the whole process to work. Nothing. "Damnation and hellfire, it didn't work."
"Next time, maybe," Dezzie said consolingly from the dark.
Albrecht opened his mouth to snap at her, then the corpse on the table stirred. And proceeded to flail wildly, stand up, and stumble drunkenly from the room. By going through the brick wall. Sparks of lightning lit off its stitched together form. "Ha! It worked!"
"And it's walking into traffic," the alchemist said.
The wizard watched with some despair as the newly resurrected zombie got hit by a passing carriage. And then a few more. He sighed. Even if the thing was still animated, now it was completely useless with all the broken bones.
"Um." That was audience member two. "Have you considered holding the body down with restraints?"
Albrecht turned to look at the man tied to the chair and blinked. "Why would I tie down a corpse?"